I’ve never been one to trust people. Trust doesn’t come easy, it’s not natural for me. I learned from a young age not to trust people. So when people betrayed or hurt me, I held on to it for a long time. I wasn’t one to forgive and forget. That was years ago. I’ve come a long way since then. These days I have learned to forgive and I’ve learned that people who make mistakes aren’t bad. There are levels of betrayal and depending on how severe the betrayal was is what determines how fast I get over it.
Forgiveness is not an emotion but a decision. Without forgiveness one can not move forward. Without compassion and understanding you’ll get nowhere. With Cody and our situation, I have been working on forgiving him. I have been working on seeing that he is still the good person I love. I do see it. But then I think about what he did and I’m hurt all over again. I don’t know how to get past that. I think what helps me is talking about it whenever it comes up. Also cuddling with Cody and being close to him makes me feel better.
I am trying really hard to not make this harder for Cody. He is taking all of this really hard. He is being self punitive and says that I am the one who he should be getting punishment from. That’s not healthy though. I don’t want to punish Cody for what he did, but rather be there and help him through this addiction of his. It’s an addiction to masturbation and porn is the thing he used to go to when he had the urge to get off. The fact that he has only gotten the urges two to three times since meeting me is a good sign I guess. It means it’s not a serious addiction, but it still needs to be addressed. I really am hoping that going to therapy with him this week will help him understand more about it. He needs insight into the whys.
I need the insight into the whys as well. I love that Cody said that he wants to stop. He really doesn’t want to do that. I am glad that he does feel shame and embarrassment an guilt…to me it’s good that those emotions are associated with it. For me, cutting was an addiction, and it was farther along that Cody’s, and the thing that killed me was the guilt. I stopped cutting because I couldn’t take the guilt and I couldn’t take hurting those around me. So it’s now my job to help Cody through his own struggle. It’s my turn to teach him how to be strong and to get through the urges. I love Cody and I want to be there for him. I am not going to lie, because honesty is the most important thing with me, but helping Cody is very hard for me. In one way it’s easy because I love him. But it’s hard for me because it’s porn. If he was addicted to cigarettes this would be so much easier. I am the one who has to be able to check his history daily and see if I can block the page on his phone and stuff. It’s hard to be the strong one, but I don’t mind. I want to help Cody get through this, because if I didn’t help him, I don’t know what our relationship would look like.
Cody means the world to me. It pains me to see how much pain he is in because of what he did and how it hurt me. He really hates himself right now, and I don’t like that. I just want to see him be okay again. I want us to get closer and build that trust up again. I feel like helping him and him talking to me will build that trust. I really am not sure how one is supposed to handle situations like these, but I am doing the best that I can.