Building Trust

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I’ve never been one to trust people. Trust doesn’t come easy, it’s not natural for me. I learned from a young age not to trust people. So when people betrayed or hurt me, I held on to it for a long time. I wasn’t one to forgive and forget. That was years ago. I’ve come a long way since then. These days I have learned to forgive and I’ve learned that people who make mistakes aren’t bad. There are levels of betrayal and depending on how severe the betrayal was is what determines how fast I get over it.

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Forgiveness is not an emotion but a decision. Without forgiveness one can not move forward. Without compassion and understanding you’ll get nowhere. With Cody and our situation, I have been working on forgiving him. I have been working on seeing that he is still the good person I love. I do see it. But then I think about what he did and I’m hurt all over again. I don’t know how to get past that. I think what helps me is talking about it whenever it comes up. Also cuddling with Cody and being close to him makes me feel better.

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I am trying really hard to not make this harder for Cody. He is taking all of this really hard. He is being self punitive and says that I am the one who he should be getting punishment from. That’s not healthy though. I don’t want to punish Cody for what he did, but rather be there and help him through this addiction of his. It’s an addiction to masturbation and porn is the thing he used to go to when he had the urge to get off. The fact that he has only gotten the urges two to three times since meeting me is a good sign I guess. It means it’s not a serious addiction, but it still needs to be addressed. I really am hoping that going to therapy with him this week will help him understand more about it. He needs insight into the whys.

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I need the insight into the whys as well. I love that Cody said that he wants to stop. He really doesn’t want to do that. I am glad that he does feel shame and embarrassment an guilt…to me it’s good that those emotions are associated with it. For me, cutting was an addiction, and it was farther along that Cody’s, and the thing that killed me was the guilt. I stopped cutting because I couldn’t take the guilt and I couldn’t take hurting those around me. So it’s now my job to help Cody through his own struggle. It’s my turn to teach him how to be strong and to get through the urges. I love Cody and I want to be there for him. I am not going to lie, because honesty is the most important thing with me, but helping Cody is very hard for me. In one way it’s easy because I love him. But it’s hard for me because it’s porn. If he was addicted to cigarettes this would be so much easier. I am the one who has to be able to check his history daily and see if I can block the page on his phone and stuff. It’s hard to be the strong one, but I don’t mind. I want to help Cody get through this, because if I didn’t help him, I don’t know what our relationship would look like.

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Cody means the world to me. It pains me to see how much pain he is in because of what he did and how it hurt me. He really hates himself right now, and I don’t like that. I just want to see him be okay again. I want us to get closer and build that trust up again. I feel like helping him and him talking to me will build that trust. I really am not sure how one is supposed to handle situations like these, but I am doing the best that I can.

XOXO Anna

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5 thoughts on “Building Trust

  1. Honey, pretty much every guy Cody’s age masturbates and much of it is to porn. I mean, if he was turning down making love so he could go hide in the bathroom to have at himself with porn on his phone that’s another thing but what he did sounds very normal to me. I get that you don’t like it but being glad that he feels guilty about it isn’t fair to him. It sounds like you’ve made him feel terrible about something that is fairly normal for a guy his age. I don’t think you want him to feel terrible but your issues shouldn’t dictate his behaviour. You know?

    I know it’s hard to deal with, but try to remember that forcing someone to change through guilt will often backfire in the end.

    I mean no offence at all by this comment and hope you take it as constructive criticism where you are able.

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    • I completely understand that most guys do that. But here is the thing, I am not okay with it due to many reasons. If you’ve read some of my older posts about Skyler she contributed to a lot of body image issues for me, and I was bullied a lot. Also I have anorexia and I compare myself to other women all the time. I can’t help it. In a relationship, at least one that means something, if a partner expresses that they are uncomfortable with something their partner is doing, then the partner should stop the behavior that is making the partner uncomfortable.
      I am not forcing him to stop his behavior, I am saying to him that it makes me extremely uncomfortable and it triggers my own anorexic behaviors. If he wishes to continue to be with me, then he can stop that behavior. If he wants to continue that behavior and date someone else that is also fine. He knows he has options. He chose to stay and wants to stop the behavior that is very harming to our relationship and trust. It’s the fact that he lied to me that is the problem. I don’t tolerate lying in relationships, or in any healthy relationships. I do understand your points though. I have been working a lot on my anorexia and how I compare myself and such. It’s a long way until I get to a place where I am okay with my body, but I am working on that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hear you loud and clear and I do understand your points, I truly do. I’ve just been in a similar place and my situation ended up badly because of completely unintentional resentment that built over years. Eventually he felt like I had taken something from him and grew to resent it. Maybe you’re right though, it was probably not meant to be between us and what we had was two people trying to fit into a place we didn’t belong.

        I’m sorry if I upset you. It wasn’t my intention. I’m older than you by quite a bit and am looking through a different lens. Just be careful with guilt. It doesn’t go away…is all I’m saying.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hey I just had an idea. I know you trust Cody very much … Maybe if you took a few sexy photos for him you could give him something to look at that isn’t another woman? I understand your body issues but is there a way you could just let him take them and not see them yourself? He obviously finds you beautiful, body and soul, so I’ll bet he’d love to have them. It’s a compromise, anyway. Maybe not easy for you though. I just remembered doing that for my hubs, who has been the light of my life for 15 years.

        Peace. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for your comments. Trust me I made it clear to Cody that he has to forgive himself and that we can move past this. I’ve already taken them. The way he explained it is that porn was just associated with it so he didn’t think of the photos I’d taken because he doesn’t think of my photos in that way. But last night Cody and I made a lot of progress. He just has to download the rest of the photos onto his phone and we are using that as another buffer.

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