Struggling

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I am really struggling. I have been since Cody betrayed me. I love him. I just am still hurting over it. How do I move on? That is what I am constantly asking myself? And how do I trust him again? What can we do to build trust?

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I guess for me, it was as if Cody was a totally different person once it happened again. I just felt like suddenly I didn’t know him anymore. I just felt as if the rug was pulled out from under me. I felt like nothing was certain. I felt like I had no control. I felt like he had all control. It’s scary to know your partner knows the one thing that can really hurt you. It’s scary to know they have the capability to hurt you. I guess I was just hit with reality, harsh reality.

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Cody and I are good and the fact that he has been so good to me, like no one has before, the thought of him doing something that could hurt me so deeply…I just didn’t think he would ever do anything like that. So I think it’s me just getting over the shock. I think I am still in shock that he could and would do that. Maybe once I’m over the shock things will be smoother…
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I just have never done this. You know, try and trust someone after they hurt and betray you. For me, I never forget and I usually don’t let go of the fact that someone hurt me…like with Ethan. Everything changed after he made that comment about Monster and whether he really raped me. In that moment everything I knew and thought about Ethan changed. I never trusted Ethan again after that, not really. I still care about him, but it was never the same as before. That’s also probably because Ethan still sticks to that comment, and doesn’t see that it hurt me.

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At least with Cody he realizes he hurt me and that it really does a lot of harm. I am still trying to understand it has nothing to do with me…but to me it feels like I’ve been cheated on. Like there’s another woman in the relationship. I think that’s why I am still struggling with it. I think I feel like there’s something in the way of Cody and me reconnecting. I don’t know how to reconnect…. I mean, Cody and I still have fun, and enjoy each other’s company. But when it comes time to be intimate…sometimes I am totally game and I feel connected, and other times though its physically is pleasing, it is emotionally empty. I think it just has to do with me feeling like I wasn’t enough. I know he says I am. I just don’t know how to feel like I am after what happened.

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I feel like I am at a loss as to what to do. How to move forward. I mean, I had a panic attack yesterday about Cody and me before class. It sucked. I still sometimes get really anxious when I think about Cody and I, which is so strange, because he is the one I call when I need comfort. I just am really confused right now about how to get through this.

XOXO Anna

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