…I Love Him Too Much

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If you read my post yesterday you will see I love Cody. If you’ve read my blog you will know a lot about our relationship. You will know that Cody was the first to say I love you. You will know we’ve been through ups and downs. You will know that I gave him a promise ring not too long ago. You will know that Cody was the first one to mention marriage and all that crap.

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I’ve posted before about this, but here I go again. I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw an article that was titled something like Successful Relationships or Successful Marriages have these 9 things. I was curious to see if Cody and I had those things. Out of the things that were applicable we had them. There was one on marriage and it said to put the marriage first instead of the kids. It doesn’t mean you choose your marriage versus choosing the kids. It means being able to make time for your marriage while you have kids instead of focusing just on kids and letting your marriage fall apart in the process.

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I (stupidly) asked Cody that when we have kids would he put the marriage first or the kids. I was curious. When I explained it wasn’t either or, he was like, “of course I would make time for us. But we don’t have to talk about this now.” or something like that. I felt completely shattered in that. I left the room and came back in and he knew something was up and asked if it was the marriage thing. I said yeah. He said, “It’s been mentioned a lot lately and why do we have to talk about that now when it won’t happen for a long time.” I said sorry and that I wouldn’t mention it again.

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I feel like super stupid. I got comfortable. Its the one thing I try not to do. Stupidly I’ve been with Cody so long that I’ve become comfortable. The idea of us being together and getting married is the norm. I guess I shouldn’t have believed that Cody… I don’t know. I wasn’t even the one to mention marriage first! I was NEVER going to mention that in the relationship. But Cody did mention it months ago, and he mentions it sometimes. I just thought if he mentions it, or mentions the future, then it was okay, or he was okay with it, or wanted it or whatever.

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Whatever, lets just go back to being cynical. The sad thing is once you fall in love or you love someone you can’t go back, so you’re going to get hurt. All I know is that I am NEVER mentioning marriage or the future again. I can’t take thinking that we are going to be together and then Cody getting all weird. It sends mixed signals like he doesn’t want to be with me or something so I am just going to suck it up and try to not think about the future. I mean it’s true though. Anything could happen. Cody could leave me, or I could leave Cody. So why should I think (or hope) that we would be together in the long run? It was stupid and naive. It was me being a stupid pathetic romantic who actually hoped and wanted a “happy ending.”

XOXO Anna

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