I hate Instagram. I mean, I love it, but I also hate it. So if you’ve read old posts you will know about Cody and the porn thing. Instagram has tons of porn accounts. The other week it got too much so he disabled the app for a week, and it really helped. This week he has had it back, and I am driving myself crazy. I am so worried about it and it’s exhausting. I am trusting him more and more, but still I am not at the point where I feel like I can fully trust him. I hate this royally. Cody has been all excited having Instagram back and posting and being all proud of getting 20 likes and such. I feel bad that I am having such a hard time with it. We agreed it if got too much he would disable the app but I don’t want to ask him to do that again. Plus he wants me in one of his posts for his car account. We both have two accounts. He has a personal and a car account. I am just so tired of worrying. I feel like it’s pointless and I guess whatever happens will happen; but I am not the kind of person who can just be okay and then later down the line lets say I see something and then wish I’d been checking all along. So yeah. I just am really mad that I don’t trust Cody fully but I am mad that Cody gave me a reason not to trust him in the first place. I am at a loss as to how to handle this.
My anorexia was crazy yesterday and today I am okay…but Instagram…I feel bleh. Instagram makes me feel not good enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough. How can one compare to those “fake” porn girls? And I know, the porn thing with Cody had nothing to do with me. But my anorexic mind just feeds on that and warps it into me thinking Cody wants someone else -which is not true at all. So I hate the anorexia latching onto Cody’s mistake. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle this. I know trust takes time, and it takes giving the person chances to earn back trust, but that is damn hard. I just wish things could go back to before Cody and the porn…though it was always there I guess. Maybe I wish I could go back to the time I thought of Cody as someone who wouldn’t do something that would hurt me so deeply. I don’t know…now I am rambling.
Lately though Cody has proven to be trustworthy. I guess. He hasn’t done anything really, so yeah. I just am wondering when the day will come around where I don’t have to worry about all this bullshit; the day where I will trust Cody fully and completely and none of this stupid shit will get to me.