When we are younger we grow up thinking sex is something amazing, flawless, and something you do only when you love the person. At least that’s how I was introduced to sex. Sex seemed like this special thing that happened once you were mature enough to experience it. The way society portrays sex in movies or in TV shows further pushed that message. In the movies, there are two attractive people, and the experience is perfect and amazing. In reality sex is not always so smooth. What society fails to portray is that sex can be awkward. It can be funny, it can be intimate, it can be embarrassing, it can be scary, it can be violent, and so on.
Sex for me was awkward and pleasurable for the most part before the rapes. Sex then turned into something scary. I was terrified by intimacy and never wanted it. Anorexia also built up a wall between intimacy. I remember every time I was doing anything sexual with Ethan I was so self-conscious about my body that I couldn’t really enjoy whatever we were doing. With other guys, like one night hookups, it wasn’t as much as a problem-mainly because I was intoxicated to some degree I couldn’t be bothered to think about that. With Eric sex was intimate at times, which was new for me. It was scary.
Sex with Cody these past eight months has been amazing. There have obviously been the ups and downs. The times were it ended because of my flashbacks, or times I would start crying in the middle of it. But besides those times, sex was something that was intimate most of the time, which I had never had. Anorexia has sometimes gotten in the way. This past week it has gotten in the way. I have been super self-conscious of my body, like insanely so that the anorexic voice in my head has been beating me all week. I’ve definitely restricted this week.
Last night sex sucked not because Cody isn’t great at sex, but because I was so disgusted with myself and how I looked that I couldn’t get into it, thus not feeling anything. Today we had sex and I started crying a bit, and then we talked and later had amazing sex. But that amazing sex we had…I was damn exhausted. After we were done and went to clean off, I was dizzy. I still am. I’ve been doing my sociology homework, kind of. I should do my police work but I don’t know if I have the mental energy to concentrate on that podcast. Also we are going to see a movie later, so I have to get my work done now.
I just want to sleep. But I can’t. My memory sucks right now, I’m exhausted beyond belief, my moods are everywhere, and all the other stupid anorexia stuff slowly is coming back. Anorexia is a killer.