Emotions are killing me right now. I feel like I’ve been hyper-sensitive. I probably have been. I sent Cody these two articles, 5 Ways to Be an Ally to Your Partner’s Eating Disorder Recovery (And Avoid Triggering Them) and Anorexia Nearly Killed My Wife, and that was on saturday…he still hasn’t read them and he is only reading them today because I am asking…again.
Also Cody and I made a lot of progress two days ago when we were arguing, which has been the norm lately. We realized that I have been shutting him out and he hasn’t felt as close. It’s true that I went into “take care of yourself mode”. It happened after the porn incident.
I usually go into that mode only after I’ve been hurt or betrayed by someone who was extremely important to me. For example, after Eric left me, I didn’t ask anyone for help, even when I was suicidal except for India-but she is my sister, so that’s different. It’s always been the pattern in my life that after someone leaves, or betrays me, I never go back to relying on them for anything. I tried to do that with Ethan, but he told me I couldn’t rely on him anymore, so I decided that I wouldn’t do that.
Cody wants me to talk to him and for me to let him know what’s going on with me. He wants me to open up to him again, and trust him and all that. So since he has asked, that is what I’ve been doing. It’s been hard…like really hard at times, and easy at other times. But today it was hard. I did ask for him to read the articles and I was very hurt that he didn’t. He acknowledged that he said he would read the articles but didn’t and that he was sorry. That makes me feel better because at least he acknowledged that he did break his word- hence me not being able to really trust what he says he is going to do.
But we are making progress. I am scared to do the whole rely on Cody again and open up, but I am doing it. I am letting him know if something comes up or if he says or does something that rubs me the wrong way. I feel bad though because I don’t want to hurt Cody when I tell him that something he did (or didn’t do) upset me. But the whole letting him in and being honest thing is better. I feel better. I feel like I am getting heard. I also at the same time sometimes feel selfish for expressing my opinions or something because I don’t know, was it selfish of me to want him- or expect him- to read those articles without me badgering him? I don’t know.
Sometimes I don’t know what I’m allowed to ask for. Not that I’m not allowed, to that Cody makes me feel like that…it’s just that old people in my life made me feel like I was selfish if I asked for stuff I wanted, or if I expressed me thoughts or opinions that they were irrelevant or stupid. I still am working on myself and working on getting comfortable with standing up for myself and what I want and need from a person, and also balance that with their wants and needs.