After I posted that vent yesterday and went home, Cody and I talked. We talked for a long time about everything. Honestly it was scary because it was a big talk and lots happened. I really don’t want to get into details about it, but let’s just say I think it was a wake up call for Cody.
He did agree that he got complacent. He said he didn’t know what to do exactly to make me feel loved. I started giving him examples of the things I’ve done for him over the past nine months, i.e. the Ferrari, the christmas presents that he specifically asked for, the book I made him, getting his favorite candies spontaneously, and then of course…the big one…the promise ring.
I told him I guess I didn’t realize how disappointed I was for Valentine’s day, because we had gone ring shopping a couple weeks prior so Cody could get an idea of engagement rings and just rings in general that I would like. After the promise ring I gave him he told me he was going to surprise me one random day with something special. That never happened if my memory is correct. He also hinted that, or implied, he was going to get me a ring for Valentine’s. On Valentine’s he told me at dinner he didn’t get me a ring because he didn’t have the money to get one. I told him that was fine, but I’ll be honest I was disappointed. I mean, here two weeks prior to Valentine’s I give him a promise ring with a speech, basically saying we promised to be honest, faithful, etc, stating in the end that we would get married one day. Promising each other that. Now, why did I do something so romantic and for *no reason at all?* (Cody if you’re reading this, know if you give me a ring it doesn’t have to be tied to something special) Well the reason behind it was to show Cody I was committed to him. I did the ring because:
- I love him
- I wanted to apologize for making him think I was going to leave him
- I wanted to assure him that I was never going to leave him
- It was romantic and sweet, and it made Cody happy. Happier than I’ve seen him for most things.
- It was spontaneous and loving and exciting and passionate
I wanted to make Cody well aware that I was not going to leave him if he did screw up again. Giving Cody that ring was very special. It was a big moment for me. It meant I was committed, even though not engaged. Engagement is still at least a year away. That’s fine. Commitment is what is important. Not important…essential for our relationship. Commitment is everything in a relationship, it really is the determining factor of whether two people will be together or give up. It meant I take our relationship seriously. It meant I see us as partners and equals. So when Cody hinted he was going to get me a ring and never got one, I guess I subconsciously took it as him not wanting to be that committed to me, or that I wasn’t deserving or that level of commitment, etc. Cody said that was not it. Which I know. But still, I felt that way.
I have told Cody some things that he could do that would make me feel loved again. Honestly since that porn misstep, it’s been hard work to keep this relationship going. It’s also been hard feeling like I was the only one trying. I am not saying that’s bad, all relationships require constant work. Once effort stops the relationship essentially stops. I felt like after the misstep Cody kind of gave up because he felt he messed up so bad that nothing he did could make up for it, which in turn made me feel worse that he didn’t do anything. I have worked hard to try and trust Cody again, and with some minor things that have happened since the misstep it makes it harder and harder to getting to the place where I completely trust him again. I guess I took Cody’s empty promises and words to mean that I should stay quiet about my needs and desires because even if I said them and he said he would do it, it wouldn’t happen. I guess I gave up in a way. I gave up trying to tell Cody what it is that I needed and wanted. I was honestly just trying to avoid as much disappointment as possible. I hate being disappointed, and I’m sure most people do, so I tried to avoid it.
Cody and I made a new promise to each other: I will be honest about my feelings and needs and wants if he starts to put effort in to show me he loves me and pulls his weight with household chores. I think that is a really good start for us to work with, and from there we can keep going. I know my vent post could be taken as harsh, but honestly I think it just saved our relationship. I had no idea I was holding half of those emotions in until I vented yesterday. And how can people communicate if they are unaware of either the problem or why one is behaving in a certain way?
I have hope again, which is a bit scary. I really don’t want to be let down again. I really don’t. But I have hope that our relationship is going to improve a lot because we talked yesterday. I do still fear that Cody’s words are empty, but I am doing my best to have faith in him and believe that his words actually mean something this time round.