Last night was bad. Really bad. I broke down and it was extremely painful. I was really triggered. Cody and I were getting a drink before we headed home when he picked me up from the station, and I don’t know how but we got onto the topic of sex and blow jobs. Cody got turned on. We went home and I knew he wanted one, and he told me so many times that they weren’t important to him, that I shouldn’t ever give one if I don’t want to ( and he has said all this before, almost every time it’s mentioned) but I felt like I had to. Not because of him, but because of my past. So I gave one to him. When I stopped he knew right away from the look on my face I hadn’t wanted to do it and he got upset because he knew I wasn’t okay.
I told him I was, he went to parkour, and I had a huge breakdown. I went to the shower to feel clean and I cried. I cried and cried. I screamed a horribly painful scream, that if one heard, they would think that person is in severe pain or being tortured. My screams even scared me. I texted Cody that I wasn’t okay. I eventually called my sister when I got out of the shower because all I wanted to do was self-harm or end it all because I didn’t want to feel all the feelings of abuse from the past.
My sister had to talk to me, and I could tell something was off. I explained that Cody had told me not to if I didn’t want to, but because of my past I did it anyway. I then told her about Eric and how he shoved my head down and forced me to do that to him, and I think that’s when I could tell something was off with my sister. Eventually I told her I was okay (meaning I wasn’t going to end it all) and I went back to the bath with a safety pin and just cried again, not doing anything to hurt myself but crying. Cody came home and grabbed the safety pin, I screamed because I didn’t realize he was home.
We ended up talking. My sister texted me for Cody’s number so she could call him and say things she figured I would never say to Cody, and she said she wasn’t going to yell at him. I stupidly believed her. Cody called India and took it in the game room while I sat in the bedroom still trying to calm down from the intense breakdown. At first I thought it was going okay and then I heard Cody say, “Of course I love her. I would never do anything to hurt her, I just want to protect her.” I knew it was going downhill from there. I didn’t hear everything but I was outside the door by the end of the conversation and Cody called me in.
I sat on his lap and he said, “You’re sister really hates me. She hates me so much that she either wants me to leave you or for me to die.” Cody looked shattered. I know India can be very mean when she is angry. Cody said that from the conversation he had with her, he thinks that a guy forced her to go down on him. It’s true, out of all the times I’ve called her crying because of a trigger she has never called or wanted to talk to Cody until now. So maybe that is what happened. I don’t know, but it’s a suspicion. Cody and I are still shaken by what India said to him, including that he is a terrible human being who is breaking another human being (referring to me) and all this other shit, and saying that he doesn’t deserve me and that he should leave me, or that she thinks I want to leave him but wouldn’t and such. It was a really really intense bad conversation.
This morning I had another talk with Cody. What my sister said really did hit me. I told Cody that he needed to put more effort in. I told him that if things keep going the way they are now, we really are not going to make it and won’t have a future together. I said that I deserve to be treated with respect, love, and care. I told him I don’t want to leave him, I love him, but I refuse to be with someone who does not respect me or care or love me (not that he doesn’t, he does, he just isn’t or hasn’t been showing it at all.)
Cody agreed he got complacent, and he isn’t sure what happened or why, but he has promised that he will make the effort. I gave simple examples to him from the beginning of the relationship to now, like how if something was wrong, it didn’t matter what time it was he would be up and talking to me to make sure I didn’t go to bed crying. These days he says he is tired and goes to bed, and I sometimes cry myself to sleep a bit. Cody hated knowing that. That example made it clear to him that he really has gotten lazy with our relationship and he promised me he would do better.
I really hope he keeps this promise, because I love him, and I would do anything for him, and I just hope he can do the same for me.