Stress, Cutting, and Moving Out

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It’s been a hectic couple days. Since last friday I’ve been dead tired and dizzy…all the time. I have felt like I’ve been in a dream like state, which freaks me out. Today is the first day I feel like slightly better. Then I had an exam on tuesday, so I was stressing for that. I went home early because I was so exhausted and slept the rest of that day away.

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Cody went to parkour, and my parents told me that Cody and I have to move out because India might be coming home and she refuses to come home if Cody is living there. So Cody and I have found some places we want to look at. This saturday we are going to look at a house, a house. It’s multifamily, but I think the owner lives on the first floor and then if we got the house we would get the second floor, a balcony, deck, and the attic. The description says it is a 2-3 bedroom so we would have plenty of space.

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But back to my parents telling me India might be coming home, things were stressful. See I have tried to figure out so many things I could do for Cody’s birthday and each plan keeps falling apart. So because India might come home, what I wanted to do for Cody can’t happen…at least not the way I wanted it to, and I ends dup crying over it and my dad apologized because he knows how much I’ve put into it- or was putting into it. There were some other things going on tuesday that were stressing me out, and I was extremely depressed over India possibly coming home. It’s not because I don’t want her to come home, because I miss her a lot, but because it means Cody and I have to move out within six weeks essentially. So moving, finals, and everything else…it’s just overwhelming. So I took a bath and grabbed the safety pin and cut before I even thought about what I was doing.

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When Cody got home he wasn’t happy and asked me why I did it. I explained and we talked and everything. We ended up arguing a little later but made up. I yelled at him and he made a comment about my cutting. We both did things wrong but apologized and made up.

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Cody was thinking about getting a second job possibly if need be. I personally would hate it if he had to do that, but again, Cody really wants to be able to financially support us, it’s important to him that he is capable of doing that. I don’t think I posted about Serena’s party, but it was not fun. I was exhausted. But see, Cody told me that to him, he felt like he can’t give me an engagement ring until he feels he can financially support us and that we are stable. To most women maybe it’s not romantic, but to me it was the sweetest thing to hear. I couldn’t believe he felt like he didn’t deserve to marry me if he couldn’t support us financially. I thought it was ridiculous, but I could understand where he was coming from and how he grew up. But it was super sweet because that meant he was serious about marriage and wasn’t taking it lightly. He was really thinking about the reality of it and such, which made me happy. I’ve thought about marriage in the reality way of finances, living situations, career, school etc. and how we would handle all that. I was so happy to see Cody was thinking with the same level of seriousness and maturity.

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But it’s been a stressful week. I hope that this house we see is good because it would be a freaking dream if it was good and worked out. My parents however are being… stubborn? I understand that they have been very understanding about Cody and I living in the attic of their house and financially supporting me with school and such, but they told me they wouldn’t co-sign for any place Cody and I move, and they said Cody’s dad would have to co-sign. So Cody has to mention that to his dad. I just feel like I’ll be less stressed once I know our living situation is secured. I don’t want to feel like we are going to be kicked out with no place to live.

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I feel like instead of having the time to plan our move and everything it is now rushed, which is where my stress is coming from. Before this all happened Cody and I had a plan to move out by next winter, which was nice because it meant Cody had more time to save for rent, and Cody seemed to think prices would be better in winter because no one wants to move when it’s snowing. But life threw us a curve ball, and we are handling it. Cody is completely calm and collected, and I have to say I admire him for that because I am so stressed by this. But then again that is where our personalities differ, which is fine because he keeps me relaxed but I remind him of the realities and that we need to make decisions in a timely manner. But the one thing that made me practically tear up was when Cody said that the only thing that mattered to him was that wherever we moved he wanted to make sure I was safe. He wanted to make sure that he didn’t have to worry about me if I was in the house or apartment alone without him because of crime and such. It was so sweet to hear him say that he would live in a shittier apartment if I was safe because it was a god neighborhood.

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Fingers crossed about this house this saturday, and if not this house, then one of the apartments we will see! Also at the moment I have A’s in all my classes!

XOXO Anna

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