Cody and I had a really great weekend. We went to the mall which was nerve wracking. I got this t-shirt that said, “Unicorns are real” as an inside joke between Cody and I because I told him when we first met he was a unicorn because guys like him didn’t exist. But last night I had a dream. I don’t know if I blogged about how Siena texted Cody about two weeks ago, but she did. If you haven’t read my blog, here is the post about Siena and how she got really annoying to my relationship with Cody. That will fill you in. Siena is Cody’s ex who is still in love with him and wants me and Cody to be broken up. It’s obnoxious and sad.
Anyways, my dream was about Siena. It’s hard to write about dreams in detail but I will do my best. In the dream I was in a dorm room at the college she went to with a girl, who was friends with Siena. Siena walked in with another girl trashing me, until she realized I was in that room. She was all decked out in a sequin dress, and makeup to perfection. In the dream she was actually pretty. I was sitting there in my normal clothes and my eyeliner. She radiated this aura of power and confidence, and I felt very weak, and submissive. In the dream she knew damn well she could take Cody from me. I wanted to punch her, but one girl said that Siena could beat my ass if I tried anything, so I didn’t do anything. I just sat there and took being submissive to her. I went into the bathroom to change and I chose the unicorn shirt I got at the mall. For some reason a cop came in and was trying to help me win and be able to keep Cody, or stop Siena from trying to take him from me or something. (don’t ask why a cop, I have no idea) Anyways, then later in the dream I was running down a side walk and Cody was chasing after me, but he could never get to me. He kept asking why I was running away and I told him it was because of Siena and I knew that I wouldn’t win. Then I woke up.
In therapy we went into more detail and took apart the dream. I’m not one to really believe that dreams can be accurate to what’s going on but there was a lot of insight I got from that dream. In real life I am not only threatened by Siena but I am over protective of her. See, Siena, as Cody describes, is an innocent sheltered girl who doesn’t know anything about the real world. In therapy we figured out that I get so angry about Siena and if she will try crossing a line because I am trying to protect everyone involved. See all of us get hurt if she crosses a line (i.e. suggesting to hang out or something like that, or just continuously not giving up on getting Cody).
Let me explain. If Cody is nice to her she gets the message that she still has a chance. How do I figure this? Because it was the same way with Ethan and me. If Ethan showed any kindness or interest in talking to me or hanging out, I immediately thought I had a chance to get back together with him. So that’s why I know that communication between ex’s can be misunderstood. So if Siena thinks she has a chance and then figures out she never did, she gets hurt. Cody then is hurt because he hurt her and he believes she a fucking fragile china doll that will break with the slightest breeze, which is bullshit. Then I’m hurt because I feel like he didn’t care about the boundaries that were supposed to be set, and I feel like he cares more about her feelings than mine. Plus I don’t wanna lose my temper on Siena because Cody failed to do his job. So you see, I just am trying to avoid all of us getting hurt. I don’t want any confusion. Siena needs to know she has NO chance with Cody nor will she EVER have a chance. I also believe that she needs some tough love so she can grow up.
I used to be exactly like her, but once I went through some shit I grew up and wasn’t as “breakable”. So the only way she is going to grow up is to stop thinking Cody will be there for her when things aren’t going right. I used to do the same thing with Ethan. Every time I had an issue I would always go to him, mistakenly thinking that, “oh he was there for me during our relationship, so he will be there for me now because he still cares like that.” Not the case. Does Ethan still care about me? Yes, but not in that way. Ethan even said that I shouldn’t be going to him because that’s not his role anymore. He laid down the law, and our friendship was saved. I learned that I was going to him because I was used to that dynamic and I was treating him as if we were still together. Hence why I see what Siena is doing. So, to end this, I just want to keep everyone okay and boundaries clear. And because Siena is very much like I used to be, I want to save her from all the mistakes and pain I’ve gone through. I just don’t want her to get hurt…I just she doesn’t deserve it, and I want to save her from unnecessary pain.
Now, Siena hasn’t texted him since two weeks ago, so do I think she is a problem right now? No. If she starts texting again, Cody and I already agreed he would set her straight. So I just had to vent about all this and get it out.
But on the plus side, Cody and I found an apartment, we are just waiting for his dad to sign the co-sign, and then hopefully we are approved and we move out.