If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know the things I’ve been through since I went to college. It’s been over three years since my first sexual assault, over two years since my first rape, and over a year since my second rape. Going through that, I honestly thought my life was pretty much over. At least romantically… even friendships seemed too hard to have.
This past year, being with Cody, he has taught me so much. I honestly never thought I would be “over” what happened to me. I live with it everyday, but it’s not as bad as it once was. Sure I have my off days where I will blame myself, or hate myself, or tell myself I deserved to be treated that way, but there are days where I know that it wasn’t my fault, and I love myself, and I know that I should be treated with respect.
The progress I’ve made…I never thought I would get to such a good place, especially in the after math of it happening. Especially with friends either blaming me, taking the rapists side, or leaving me. I didn’t think I could heal. But I did. I have, and am still healing every day.
There are days where I want to still curl up under the covers and cry because when I think back to it or if I have flashbacks -which rarely happen these days- I feel unsafe and scared. But those days are rare now. They are not my everyday experience. It’s taken a long time to heal, to really think that I can be loved after what I’ve been through. To believe that I should be treated with respect. For me to be able to believe that…it’s huge.
Because of what I’ve gone through it’s made me want to do something. Do something to help other survivors, and yes if you’ve been through this or any type of trauma you are a survivor. It takes an enormous amount of strength to get through a trauma. Be proud of how strong you are. Acknowledge it. I did. That is probably one of my favorite things about me, is how resilient I am and how strong I am. I wouldn’t change a thing about what I’ve been through. It’s shaped me into the person I am today. I am strong, determined, resilient, brave, courageous, and I don’t back down and cower. For me, going through those trauma’s really in the end made me a better person. It took time to understand that though.
After my trauma’s I hated myself, thought I was worthless, and wanted to kill myself at times. It’s taken a long time to get to this point of self-love, and acceptance. I still struggle, but for the most part I am okay.
I am still not at the point where I feel I can be “out” about it, but I’ve made a lot of progress with it. I am pursuing a career in justice because of what I’ve gone through, and because of what almost every one of my girlfriends tell me they’ve gone through. I want to help the survivors and stop the perpetrators. I want things to change. I want there to be better sex education in schools. I think that over the past couple years, that there have been a lot of steps forward regarding rape issues, and talking about it. Rape used to never be talked about. Now it’s everywhere.
In my police class, my professor when talking about rape, I could see how disgusted he was. He hated how hard it was to convict a rapist, and he really was upset that rape is the only crime where the victim is accused. I personally didn’t have the best experience with the police and my rapes, but just seeing my professor be so affected helped.
I know I can’t be a cop, due to my anorexia, and I don’t know if I could cut it as a lawyer. I do want to pursue my forensic psychology studies, but I also want to be a therapist. I have helped a lot of my friends, and even my own therapist said I would be a good therapist. That meant a lot to me. She was the therapist I saw for my traumas, and I worked with her until maybe a month ago.
I want to be able to help survivors in some way. Whether it’s helping them through therapy, or emails and talking to them, or being a volunteer at a shelter. To me, helping others is the best thing I could do with my life. I love when I can really help a person, and keep them from making mistakes I’ve made or I know others have made. I like seeing other people succeed. That is what brings me the greatest happiness. With going through what I’ve been through, it just made it so much more clear that’s where I want my life to go; to helping others.
Hopefully through some of my blog posts I’ve helped people or at least they’ve learned through my own mistakes. If anyone ever wants to reach out, or even just ask me a question that you would want me to post about, or have a topic you want me to write about, email me and I would love to. I want to be able to write about things you guys want to read about.
(anything emailed to me will stay private if you want me to answer a type of question. I will just say Reader X asked this. As you know by my blog I like to keep things anonymous because it is safer and a more open environment)