Anorexia is Kicking My Ass and Will be the Death of Me

Note: this post will most likely be written by my anorexic thoughts dominating over my logic.

tumblr_nwlpst63fa1t60kw2o1_500

Right now Anorexia is winning. Last night Anorexia was winning too.I went to Marshalls while the girl I babysit was at swim practice. I tried on clothes, and I found black shorts that fit. Maybe it was the mirror but I hated myself. I hated my looks. I couldn’t stand looking at my reflection.

tumblr_n0f68pYwNx1ro1t6ho1_500

At the moment I am thinking I am really fat. The logic part of my mind knows I’m not, but I’m not tone. That bothers me. I am not skinny mini model pretty. I want to be skinny again. I want to be attractive. I feel so gross. I feel like I shouldn’t eat for two weeks. If I even do eat I feel like it should be only a chicken caesar salad, or broccoli, or string beans, or an apple, or a banana. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel so down I wanna …either cut or well you know..die, but I am not stupid I wouldn’t commit suicide. Though if I did get to a certain weight I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to cope. I just wanna be sexy or hot. Which I guess I’m not. Ethan never described me as that, though Spencer told me that Hot was a demeaning term and I should be thankful Ethan described me as beautiful and attractive.

tumblr_newatwWtwT1sbxkwko1_500

I just never had that hot look and I guess that bothers me because I do struggle with the fact that I am not merely a sexual object for a guy and I am actually a person. I should know I’m worth more than just my looks but I guess I’m scared that without my looks I wouldn’t be loved. Or I would thus be unlovable. I know, irrational, but this is the way my anorexic mind thinks. Right now my anorexic mind is killing me. I even pulled out my Anorexic journal last night to remind myself of how to starve myself. There were some things in there that my logic brain was shocked to read, but my anorexic mind was sinking its claws into it, not letting go. All I can think about is how I am not good enough compared to other girls. I am torturing myself. I am in my own personal hell. A prisoner of my own twisted and warped mind. I wouldn’t wish Anorexia on my worst enemy. It’s a real killer.

XOXO Anna

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Anorexia is Kicking My Ass and Will be the Death of Me

  1. Your anorexia mind tells you the same things my depressive one tells me. Must be they are in cahoots with each other. And it does seem as though knowledge itself doesn’t help as much as I’d like it to. But hang in there. Like a thunderstorm on a spring day that spends itself out, so will your current state when the multiple stresses of family, school, relationship, moves, etc stop ganging up on you.

    keep plugging along sister šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Life Without Ed | Undiscovered and Exposed

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s