Paralyzed

 

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As you know, Cody and I moved into an apartment recently (as in two weeks ago). We had already been living together at my parents house for the past nine months, so living together isn’t anything new. At our new apartment it’s been hectic. I commute to the city 3 times a week for school and on my days off I babysit and my nights off he goes to parkour. He works all week. We see each other in the evening at 9 pm on weekdays. We either eat dinner and pass out when I get home or we skip dinner and pass out.

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I’ve been the one who initiates sex…like most of the time. He rarely initiates. Lately, and I assume it’s because he is tired or stressed, has not been receptive to my sexual advances. I remember him once telling me he didn’t initiate sex because of my rapes in the past and didn’t want me to feel pressured. Well, Cody let me know the other night he hates saying no to me for sex because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Now I feel as if I’ve pressured him into sex many times, and I honestly hate myself for that. He said I never pressured him because it’s not like he doesn’t want to have sex with me, it’s more of he is just too tired at that minute. But I still feel like absolute crap.

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As you might also know Cody and I have been having issues with talking and connecting. All day today between my finals, I was looking up how to deal with having a higher sex drive than your partner, or does he like me anymore, or how to be a better girlfriend (because I feel so god damn bad about sex and Cody). I’ve looked up so many things. If you went through my history on my phone alone from today it would take you awhile, not to mention the search history on my computer. It’s hard to try to put the dots together with so many different suggestions…but I decided to try some of this stuff out.

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I read that when emotional intimacy fades it’s because one partner has been in the conflict stage, thus bringing the other partner into the conflict stage, then one partner retreats into the withdrawal stage. And only when one partner (the one who is more sensitive to when the relationship is falling apart or has an issue) rises above, and sacrifices all their frustrations and chooses love and compassion can they only get back to intimacy.

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So that’s exactly what I just tried. I got off the train, went to the bar Cody and I always go to, waited for him, and for an hour and a half I let him talk about space and science. Also since the porn thing Cody lets me check his phone everyday, and today I said, “No I don’t want to,” and he opened his phone and scrolled through his history to prove to me I made the right decision to trust him. I have to admit that did make me feel better. I also decided I should really start making more of an effort to trust Cody, and maybe then…maybe…he might just actually open up to me and want to talk to me about…well his emotions and feelings and thoughts. At the bar, an hour and a half of him talking about space and science, without me getting more than a sentence in the whole time…that was …a challenge… I love him, I love that he gets so excited, but I was having trouble focusing on it all because of how over my head it all was. Plus drinking didn’t help me focus. Then he suggested we get ice cream. I said I was fine, but I would treat him to it. I got him a chocolate shake (his favorite) and we went home, played with Luvas, and then Cody actually initiated sex. Problem is, I was trying everything I could to avoid sex. Yes, me withdrawing.

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I just didn’t want to try to have sex and him see how not into it I would be. So we went to the bedroom and I decided to fuck it and give it a shot, how bad could it be, right? I also read about how to get the guy more into sex and all that. I did one of the suggestions, which was to ask about the guys deepest darkest sexual fantasy.

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I was over him making out with him, giving him a hand job, and I said, “Tell me what you want me to do.” He looked at me confused and said, “Uh…fuck me hard?” Not what I was expecting but I said okay. I continued making out, figuring he didn’t get what I was asking so I said, “What is your deepest darkest fantasy? Besides a threesome because I can’t physically pull that off right now.” (side note I would never be okay with a threesome…unless it really was the only way to save a relationship) He responded “I don’t know…” So we continued making out. Also I never really go for the balls…they just kind of freaked me out all of my sex life because I didn’t know what to do with them, but I gave it a shot, and he loved it. Now not so scared to massage them while giving a hand job. He said, “That would feel amazing while blowing me,” and I replied, “Well I was going to do that,” and he perked up and we continued kissing.  He started to go down on me, which I was not expecting at all. “What, I can tease you too,” he said. He was fine, did well, and stopped. I always feel like he doesn’t enjoy it, which makes it hard for me to enjoy it, and when I see he isn’t hard when he gets up to wash his face, that made me feel not sexy and like he didn’t enjoy it, but I tried to focus on getting turned on so I could blow him.

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He got back in the room and I blew him while massaging his balls and well…he came quite fast. Like five minutes fast. Not an issue because my jaw was killing me the whole time, but I knew that if he came it meant we didn’t have to have sex, and then he wouldn’t be able to see that I wasn’t going to be into it. He came in my mouth and it tasted terrible -he just had beer- and so I ran to the sink to spit it out. I also was quite triggered but wanted to do something nice for him, so I tried to not think about past abuse and shit and got through it.

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Let’s just say this is so not how I wanted this evening to happen. I was hoping that maybe I would surprise Cody when he got home from parkour in lingerie and high heels, hair and makeup done… I don’t know… something nice, and then show him what I wanted from him sexually. In our conversation from the other day when well…sex didn’t exactly happen…he couldn’t stay aroused…and this wasn’t the first time this past month… so that also has made me feel a bit insecure, but I’m trying to brush it off. But anyways, I told Cody that sex for the past couple times wasn’t satisfying me emotionally, which it really hasn’t (hence why I didn’t want to have sex with him this afternoon). I don’t want to have sex with him if I don’t feel close to him. I mean if he was a fuck buddy or friends with benefits, hell I wouldn’t care, I would fuck him so hard and be dirty and crazy and wild with him, but I care about him and that makes it hard to have sex with him when I feel so emotionally…distant.

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So when we went back to the bedroom after I went down on him he said, “Don’t think this is going to go unrewarded. When I get home from parkour…” and he had this look. I replied, “It’s okay you don’t have to.” He said, “Come on, I’m not going to leave you hanging.” I said, “Really I don’t care, it’s fine.” His reply was, “Unless you push my head away and say no-” and I cut him off saying, “Which is what’s going to happen.” He said, “We will see.”  I hated that he used the word “rewarded” as in sex is a commodity where you get rewarded for good behavior (getting sex or oral) or punished for bad behavior…that’s the connotation it had for me.

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We cuddled. He went to parkour. I’m here blogging, sitting in a warm bath trying to relax and figure out what the hell I’m going to do to get us back on track. But I hate that it’s my job to do this. If I didn’t…Cody and I probably wouldn’t be together because he would never mention anything. *sigh*

Hoping to figure out a solution soon!

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XOXO Anna

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