Recovery Progress

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Cody chose to go to SAA and today he told me about a link he clicked on  because it was under the shopify forum about the code or something and Cody thought it would help him, and it ended up being a bikini bathing suit site and he told me about it and clicked off of it. It brought up a lot of feelings for me. I have anxiety at the moment and I feel like I’m having an emotional flashback to when I found out about his porn addiction. I haven’t really cried but some tears escaped which shocked me but I’m trying to not let the anxiety get to me…

XOXO Anna

About To Find Out The Truth

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Cody and I agreed recovery would be number one. He is about to be put to the test. I have stopped parenting him and have realized that he is in charge of his own recovery and it’s not my place to decide things.

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His dad invited us to go to a concert tomorrow night, which also happens to be the only night where there is an SAA meeting in our area, every thursday at 8:00 pm. I am very nervous to hear what Cody decides. Go see a band he saw four years ago and loved and has the chance to see again, or choose recovery… I can honestly tell you I have no idea what he is going to choose. Only time will tell. Has anyone else ever had a partner that was an addict (doesn’t matter what the addiction is) and had to step back and see if their partner was serious about recovery? And if so, how did you handle it if they chose something besides recovery? I just want to be prepared for whatever Cody chooses.

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I don’t want to tell him to go to the SAA meeting because it doesn’t matter unless he chooses it. Recovery works only when the person needing recovery wants to recover. I can’t force recovery on him. I am nervous about his decision though. We agreed recovery would be number one, which again, I can’t trust that because it’s easy to agree to something when there’s nothing getting in the way of recovery. The true test is when you have to choose recovery over something you would rather do. That shows the seriousness and stuff. I mean, he said he would do anything to show me he is serious about recovery, and I know you can never trust an addict with his words, but with his actions… so I am nervous about finding out if I really do matter. I personally feel like if he meant he loved me and all the promises he has made he will choose recovery. In the end let’s think, is it worth going to a concert to lose the progress he has shown me he has made and show me what is serious in his life, or is it worth it to skip a concert of a band you’ve seen before and prove to your partner how serious you are about being in recovery and proving you love them?

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For me, when I went to AA back in GA I knew the only way I was going to get better was to get distance from my friends and not party. It was extremely hard, I went through a phase of not having any friends because I just couldn’t be in that environment that they all loved. Eventually I got to a place where I could go to a party and either not drink or have just one, but it took a while to get there. I don’t know, I know Cody and I are two very different people, with different personalities. I am serious and determined and ambitious. Cody is a dreamer, lazy, and laid back. I can be lazy too, but when push comes to shove I step up. That’s where I think Cody and I are different. I don’t have much hope for Cody making his decision, really because it’s the first time he is being tested in his recovery…but I just am trying to prepare myself to be okay with whatever he decides…

XOXO Anna

Wedding and Re-Promise Proposal

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We went to Ohio this past weekend for Cody’s cousins wedding. She is 21, so a year younger than us. Her story of meeting her fiancé was crazy. She hated dating sites and she lost a bet and made a Tinder account and within ten minutes of making it her fiancé was her first match! I never thought Tinder would work, but I just saw a wedding that proves that Tinder might actually have hope for finding a real relationship haha.

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Anyways Cody and I really had a wonderful weekend. We made a lot of progress with communication, respect, and compromising. Then last night we got back and I was tired and Ed (my anorexia) got the better of me and I freaked out after I ate about my body and not being good enough and stuff. Cody got frustrated because he felt I would never feel good enough for him because of his porn addiction. He told me to sit on the couch and stay there.

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He came back and got down on one knee and kinda pre-proposed. It was the most adorable thing in the world. First off, he held the wrong hand as he started to pre-propose, and I told him and he grabbed my left hand and started over again, and was like, “Shit I don’t know what I’m doing.” It was adorable how nervous he was. He basically in the end said, “Anna, will you marry me when I’m ready, meaning once I feel like I am over my addiction or feel like I won’t relapse, and have the money for a real ring?” I was kinda speechless because I wasn’t sure if he was just fucking with me.

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It took me the rest of the night to process it, but he basically wanted to redo our promise to each other now that everything was out in the open, and he wanted to know that I would marry him after all this. I guess he doubted that I would say yes still, but that was cute. I love him so much, and I still can’t get over how cute he was. He was ridiculously nervous and was that cute awkward when he was down on one knee trying to pre-propose “correctly” but I will cherish that memory forever.

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Cody and I have made a lot of improvements this past month. This weekend accelerated our progress, and Cody has earned a bit of trust back. We were in a book store and there were a bunch of sex position books and there were ones that were pornographic with real couples and there was some with drawings. I handed Cody the one with the drawings, and then he turned the page and saw a real couple and slammed the book shut and literally threw it down on the book shelf. He looked so shocked and uneasy. I could tell that his reaction was real and he didn’t just shut the book and put it down because of me and the porn thing. He did it because he didn’t want to see that stuff. He wanted to be sober and in recovery. That is why he has earned some trust back. I am very proud of him, and I felt bad because I had handed him that book thinking it was just drawings… but he handled the situation so well. Cody has made me very proud of him these past few days and has given me faith in him and earned some trust back.

XOXO Anna

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

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Yesterday Cody was great when I picked up India to hangout last night. He was going to watch Scrubs, and when I came back with my sister, he was reading his book. I was impressed and he said something that he wasn’t sure if I would be okay with on the screen came up so he stopped the show and turned it off and told me about it. He then allowed me to watch the scene, and I was happy he stopped it out of respect for the boundaries I set and I was so proud of him! I mean I was proud, like I couldn’t believe he actually did that. I wasn’t sure if he was capable of doing it, honestly. The fact that he did that blew me away. It gave me a small piece of trust and faith back.

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This morning I sleep in for the first time! Mainly because I was so exhausted and I figured I would try to sleep in because this time because there would be less chance of anxiety and panic attacks. I slept right through Cody showering (which used to be when he would do porn behind my back) and I was so proud of myself for actually sleeping in for the first time since I’ve found out.

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This morning I choose to continue to sleep in when Cody leaves for work, and I remind him about the drill, text me when he gets to work, history, ask, the whole bang, and he says he knows and kissed me goodbye with an “I love you.” I wake up an hour later from an obnoxious noise outside and a terrible nightmare of Cody and I breaking up because he confessed to me that he loves his best girl friend and has been in love with her forever. Terrible dream! I thought, what better way to reassure myself that to see if Cody texted me that he got to work and the history.

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Checked the phone and there was nothing. I was pissed. I called him and I asked him and I got the same answers of him being forgetful. I told him just because I slept in does not mean he can stop doing the agreement. He said he knew that. He sends me the history later after a lot of talking and hanging up and talking again, and I see he looked up something that was not under the agreements, and if not under that, he is supposed to ask. Well, yet again, not asking me…

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I text his friend Cap because at this point I am exhausted. Cap said his answer to Cody’s “forgetfulness” was sticky notes. I even suggested that to Cody! I told him if he was sick of me getting upset he could have thought of ways to fix the issue, but Cody didn’t put any thought into how to fix his forgetfulness, I think he thinks it’s a fine excuse and nothing needs to be done about it. Cap and I continued talking, and Cap really wants to talk to Cody because he says he has no idea what’s going on with Cody.

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I told Cap what happened, and that I didn’t think Cody took the sticky note idea seriously. Cap said, “Damn…I thought sticky notes was the best idea in the world, honestly I feel bad because I’m vouching for Cody, and he’s letting me down too. I’m sorry you keep getting let down chance after chance.” I reply to Cap and we keep talking, and Cap really just wonders whats going on with Cody, and eventually asks me, “Do you think he lacks remorse?” I explained I’d been with sociopathic people in the past and Cody doesn’t have the characteristics of a sociopath, but god damn if Cody were one I wouldn’t survive it. Cap just told me to hang in there and he would talk to Cody on Tuesday.

Praying things turn around!

XOXO Anna

Drinks with a Friend, Cody, and Emotions

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Cody’s friend, who I’ve mentioned in this blog before without a code name being applied, hung out with me yesterday because he knows the situation with Cody.We will call him Cap because he is a capricorn. So Cap and I got a drink and I talked forever about Cody. I talked about all the frustrations I’ve been having and all the progress too, but I just was glad someone could understand my pain. He is still dealing with his ex that cheated on him and he was telling me about that. So we could relate and he said that Cody was somewhat similar to his ex in certain ways. Mainly just when asking them a question, they both tend to either not answer or say something that isn’t answering the question. Cap gets quite frustrated with his ex when she does that because he knows she is lying or doesn’t want to answer whatever he asked her.

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Cody and I have come up with boundaries until he has earned some trust back. We came up with them right after I found out about his addiction. Cody kind of, well he did, not listen to those boundaries yesterday…twice… so I was upset, hence why talking with Cap was helpful.

Here are the boundaries:

  1. At work, he sends me his search history every hour
  2. He can “fuck off” at work by going to CarId, Autotrader, or listening to Neil Degrasse Tyson or other relevant scientist youtube videos.
  3. He calls me if he has an urge
  4. He, if wanting to look at anything else, but the stated sites above, asks me before doing so.
  5. No video games – i.e. don’t talk to me about video games, don’t play video games, and don’t buy video games unless you ask to buy or play them. (computer  and xbox)

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Last week he slipped up on number 4 once and I told him fair, and gave him a warning and explained why I wanted him to do so. Yesterday he slipped up on number 4 again, while I was with Cap. Cap said it was fine if I called him and I did and I was very annoyed and angry. He has slipped up now with that one 3 times so I just didn’t understand why. I told him that him asking before searching something helps me trust him and build some small trust back. But him searching stuff (like cars or science, which is totally innocent) without asking me still hurts me because I put those boundaries in place so we could start building trust, yet he keeps “forgetting” or getting “caught up” in searching car stuff. I know he said his thought process is, “It’s cars, that’s no big deal, that’s normal, so I can search it.”

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Yes that is innocent, but it’s not about that, it’s about the building of trust, and I am not sure he totally comprehends what I’m getting at. Maybe he does after we talked last night but I’m not sure. Once Cody is out of work we hang out get dinner with my sister, and go home. I was in the bathroom and I get back to the living room and Cody tells me he bought a free game. I was shocked and I tried to stay calm because he again just did what he wanted without letting me know before he did it… I reminded him about the video game boundary I set, and also just because video games are going to be a distraction from all this, and I just felt so stupid. Cody has even admitted to me in the past he would use video games as an escape, same thing with porn. So if he is truly going to fight his porn addiction, he can’t turn to another thing that will allow him to escape all the unpleasant emotions. Recovery is about dealing and facing the emotions that are uncomfortable. So I asked Cody if he forgot our conversation from earlier today about not doing something technology/internet related without asking first, and he did. He said it was a free game that he couldn’t pass up and he was going to do it anyways. I was calm with him until he told me he was going to do it anyways, as in even if I said no he would do it…

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At that point I kind of gave up and became submissive. I obviously told him why that was upsetting me, it made me feel like he wasn’t respecting the boundaries I set for rebuilding trust, and that the small amount of trust we built was now not as strong because he did it that night after we had already talked at lunch about it… We kept talking and talking until we made up. He agreed to be more, well, I guess he agreed to actually stick to the boundaries I’ve set…but I honestly don’t know if I can trust him when he says that… I don’t know, I’ll try, obviously.

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Also I’ve read plenty of articles about women and men and sex. In most articles I found that women don’t want to have sex if there’s an argument going on, where as guys think that sex will fix the problem. I don’t know if that’s true. But for me, once an argument is done and we’ve made up usually I want to feel closer to the person…and that means for me I want to usually have sex to feel loved and cared about and that the person and me truly have made up and are good. Cody doesn’t seem to want that ever. If we’ve made up he is content to sit on the couch with me and watch Netflix or something. So that makes me feel like we still aren’t okay, or even if we made up it’s not like he wants to be with me, or whatever.

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I am the type of person who likes sex because I like feeling close to someone, and if you’ve been reading my blog for the past year you will know I was terrified of intimacy when Cody and I were first together, and sex and the closeness scared me. Now, I crave that closeness, especially because the past year I realize how not close we were at all… I sometimes feel worlds away from Cody. I mean, even when I didn’t know about his addiction I always felt this wall….something keeping us from being close. Now I know what that was, but even with everything in the open…I still want that closeness. That feeling of being loved and cared about. That feeling of this person is safe and loving and is here… I don’t know. I mean, when Cody first admitted to me everything I felt close because he was opening up to me, that lasted the first couple days after and then life gets in the way and we don’t talk as much.

Sure he goes to the AA meetings with me, and does couples counseling, but I still feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me, and it’s not because he is hiding anything this time, more of  I think it’s because he feels really bad about what he has done so it’s making it harder for him to open up to me.

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I mean he keeps telling me he doesn’t deserve me and I deserve better and I should breakup with him and go see if I find any other guy who I like and if not then I can come back to Cody because he thinks then I will really know if I want to be with him. I told him not to say that anymore because I want to be with Cody and for Cody to basically treat himself as if he is an option is really sad. If I left Cody I wouldn’t have the right to have him back. That to me isn’t an option. So I think Cody is struggling with low self-esteem right now, and slight depression at times, and just not wanting to talk to me because he feels so bad about everything.

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I’m hoping that Cody talks to me without me asking him to, or without it being like puling teeth. I guess it would be nice if I weren’t always the one trying to work on the relationship, like if he took initiative sometimes. He mentioned something that I can’t know, I assume a surprise or something… so that will be nice hopefully. I mean if he is doing something for me than that means he is trying and putting in effort. Effort into making the relationship better romantically.

Only time will tell…

XOXO Anna

Couples Therapy

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Cody and I talked a lot yesterday before couples therapy. At work I installed a web browser blocker and blocked a lot of porn sites and words that could bring up porn, and the funny thing is that when one searches a term that is blocked it redirects to another page, that you can set…so I set it to redirect to the picture of Cody and I in the beginning of our relationship, we were kissing in a coffee shop, and it’s really a sweet picture. So I feel a bit better about Cody going to work now, though I still have anxiety.

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We switched phones at the beginning of this week since it was his phone and the work computer he used for his addiction. I haven’t yet found something to block sites and words for his phone, so that has been a bummer for both of us. I know Cody wants his phone back but I need to have a certain level of trust gained back before I give him his phone, which he used to feed his addiction.

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In therapy we made a lot of progress. We talked about a lot of things, like the things we’ve progressed on and the things that I personally am still trying to work to get over. My goal is to obviously be able to forgive Cody and look back at the past without feeling pain. I’m not there yet but I’m working on it. I also am working on trying to understand how Cody could have let us sign a year lease together, knowing that if I found out about his addiction there was a possibility of me leaving. Cody and I have talked about it, and we talked in therapy about it, and the therapist helped me understand a bit more.

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Also surprise! My sister is back in town and no one told me. Yesterday my mom texted me that she was arriving late last night and I was completely thrown off guard. If you’ve read my blog you will know that things have been tense with my sister. If not,this can give you an idea of what happened. So I am not only trying to stay strong and keep Cody going in recovery, but now I have to make sure I am there enough for my sister while she is here too. I’m a bit stressed to say the least…

XOXO Anna

What’s wrong with me?

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I know I have been posting a lot, and frequently. It’s mainly because I need a place to vent because I have no one to talk to at the moment. But Cody read my post and he said I shouldn’t feel stupid about the marriage and wedding thing. I explained that I shouldn’t have even entertained the idea. He asked why and I explained, and he said, “No, you’ve just been thinking about it with the wrong people…it’s not stupid that you’ve been thinking of it though.” I said, “Really, why?”

He said, “Cause it’s plausible with anyone and something that is extremely common.”

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Well thank you for the obvious Cody. The answer I was hoping for was, “It’s not stupid to think about marriage or a wedding because I want it too.” Fuck me. Does Cody not realize that he hurt me to my core and I need to know that he wants to be with me? I logically know he wants to be with me, but can he show me or tell me?

XOXO Anna

Future and Stupid Feelings

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I feel stupid. Well, if you’ve been reading my posts for the past week, you will knowhow stupid I feel by realizing Cody lied to me for a year about his porn addiction. I’m stupid right. Should have known…

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But this morning we were talking about the two weddings we have to go to that were coming up. For me, even though I didn’t care about Cody’s cousin, or the other wedding, the idea of going to a wedding (the first technical one I would be going to in my life) I liked it. I wanted to see what all that was about. I also liked fantasizing about Cody and I in the audience with all those warm and loving feelings thinking about when that would one day be us up there saying “I do” to each other. I thought that Cody might like to think of that too…but he doesn’t. He doesn’t think about the wedding we would have but more of the marriage with the house and kids and that stuff apparently.

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I feel really stupid though. Every day I keep feeling more stupid. Cody said he doesn’t fantasize about us getting married, that he actually agrees with my dad and said that weddings are stupid and he doesn’t need one. My dad doesn’t believe in marriage, or the social concept of it. I’ve posted about his views before but couldn’t find the post. Anyways, he believes a piece of paper doesn’t define how much he loves someone and is committed. Cody has taken on my dad’s views… great.

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I understand where my dad is coming from, and at some level I agree, but then…I stupidly do want a wedding someday…and I feel bad that I want one. I honestly can’t remember fantasizing about a wedding, ever, unless it was when I was like five and didn’t understand the concept of marriage. But once I realized what marriage and all that meant, I never fantasized about a wedding because I felt that I would never have one (because at that time no guys had liked me). In my mind I figured why think about something you’ll never have if it’s going to depress you. Well…things changed when I met Cody.

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Once Cody and I got more serious I did think about a long term future with him, I thought about marriage and all that and I did actually fantasize about a wedding. I even looked at wedding dresses at some point just to see what people wore because I know you wear a white dress, but since I made weddings something I never looked at or thought about I didn’t really know what kind of dress is good for a wedding. I feel stupid though.

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Cody and I have talked about marriage before, many times, and we’ve agreed we would want a intimate wedding that was simple with only those closest to us. But Cody said that he wouldn’t want to spend more than we make in a month… if that were true then we should just go to City Hall like my parents did and get married there with one witness. Together Cody and I make about $2,400 a month, so I don’t really know anything about weddings but I’m sure that that might be a bit low to actually book a ballroom for the after party and the food, and the music, and the suit, and the dress, the rings, and all the other things I still don’t know about weddings. I know that by the time marriage would come around we might have a higher income, but still, it’s not going to be by too much I would assume. I’ve seen wedding dresses that range from $100-$2,000. The one thing I really always wanted for my wedding was to be wearing the perfect dress, have my hair and make up done and well just look perfect, and I know that’s partly my anorexia talking but…I just wanted to look and feel perfect and happy. And with my taste and style the dress I would want would be well more expensive…I don’t know, it’s stupid.

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I am the type who likes to be practical, and I know it’s not practical to spend over $500 on a dress you will wear one time in your life, but I want the memory of being in a beautiful dress. I kinda feel stupid for even fantasizing about a wedding in the first place. I remember the first time I did fantasize about marrying Cody, I felt so guilty. I felt like I shouldn’t be thinking about that because I don’t deserve something so nice. I don’t know. I have conflicted feelings about weddings and marriages, maybe because I haven’t actually explored my feelings about them, but instead just pushed them all away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them. And through all the struggles we’ve been through I still (stupidly? irrationally?) want to marry Cody. Am I crazy?

XOXO Anna

 

Cody’s Recovery…Day 8

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Yesterday Cody and I ended up talking which was obviously very helpful. Cody worded something very strangely and we talked about it this morning too. He said that he wanted to know if there was a chance that we were going to break up because if there was he would want to know because he said he thought that if he thought we were fine then he wouldn’t put the effort in as much, like getting me roses, or doing the little things. So you can see why the way he worded it made me…confused. We talked about it and he said he didn’t know why he said that, but he knew he should be putting in effort regardless.

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Cody has been honest with me since I found out everything, and we’ve been talking, trying to have fun, and trying to have a sex life where one of us isn’t “off” which would make it not work. Like last night we were going to get each other off in the shower after we had sex, but for me I couldn’t do it because my thoughts were wrapped up in the past to the times that he would get off to porn in the shower behind my back. Hell I can’t get off even if I’m alone in the shower… so that makes me upset. I’m sure with time that will change, but at the moment it kind of sucks.

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We have couples therapy tomorrow, which I am looking forward too. I need guidance. I need to know that we are making progress. And yes I need to hear it from a professional, I can’t trust Cody and I can’t trust myself to know that Cody is being honest. That’s something I hate, not even being able to trust my own intuition. I mean, I knew something was off with Cody and me over this past year, I just couldn’t put the pieces together. At the moment I am feeling like something small is off between Cody and I, and maybe it’s just because we both are going from happy to depressed which makes things confusing. I feel lost at times and then at other times I know exactly where Cody and I are going.

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Richard didn’t show up yesterday at all, which made me happy, and I can only pray that today will be the same. Also praying that rebuilding trust will be easier than my pessimistic personality anticipates it to be…

XOXO Anna

Up and Down Cycle

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I am fine one minute and then depressed the next when I think about Cody. I was babysitting today and when he got back to work he texted me (we switched phones, he has mine and I have his because Richard would never use my phone for porn) that when he got back to the office after lunch, that seeing my picture as my screen saver made him “think of you 😉 “…to me that was kinda nice and a turn on to hear, so I figured maybe take that and turn it into a sexy thing and build the anticipation until we get home and can have sex (or as Cody has been referring to it lately, making love). I replied, “Oh…did it now? ;P” he said, “yep” and I replied when he obviously didn’t get that I was trying to get some dirty sexy talk in, “What did it make you think about?” He replied, “You doing stuff to me, me doing stuff to you. Going from behind, stuff like that ;)”

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Sorry but that was the lamest dirty talk ever. A turn off, not a turn on. Ever since then (which was around 3 pm) I’ve been a bit on the low end. Either Cody knows nothing of what he personally likes or turns him on sexually (which isn’t fully the case) or I felt like Richard came in and got in the way of Cody and I trying to bond and get back to a good place. I’ve had sexier dirty talk from tinder guys… I don’t know. I feel stupid and sad. I think about the past year and all the stuff I’ve done compared to him and fuck. I’ve spent so much money, put so much time and effort into making sure he was happy, and the whole time he was being selfish and stuck in his own addiction (which he didn’t realize was an addiction).

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I had the urge to drink on the way home and wanted to stop by our favorite bar, but I knew I had to go get pet food and litter, which by the way, I pay for. I have paid for most of Luvas and Emily’s things (vet and pet store). Derpy. Anyways, I got them their stuff, and I’m at home, not drinking. Blogging, and a bit down. I started over thinking on the way home too. I was thinking about how can I ever know if Cody is telling the truth…couldn’t he simply just go back to his addiction and erase the history? Again, over thinking, but then that made me depressed, and that made me want to be dressed all sexy and go to a bar and talk to other guys, dance, get wild and crazy and forget. See what else is out there. But in reality nothing better is probably out there. I rather stay with Cody and suffer as we get through this problem then go with some new guy and have that new guy hurt me a million times more.

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Fucking A…I hate emotions.

XOXO Anna

Cody’s Recovery…Day 7

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Yesterday we went to that AA meeting and it helped Cody a lot. It even helped me. Though we went to a car after to get drinks, I know, it was strange. Cody told me that if he was ever seen by an AA member drinking he would confess to them that his addiction is porn and that he goes to the meetings because they help him and there are no s-anon meetings in our area. I on the other hand drank two prosecco’s and got tipsy/drunk. Cody wasn’t happy, nor was I. Didn’t mean for that to happen. Not sure if we are going to AA later today or not, but I think I should if I can. Cody and I agreed that he and I will go together 3 times a week, plus our once a week couples therapy, and then after we go to the Ohio wedding at the end of the month we will get him an individual therapist.

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Cody so far has been honest with me, shown that he does want to get better, and hasn’t fought me on the recovery plan. So far things are looking good. I pray they stay that way…

XOXO Anna

Cody’s Recovery…Day 6

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It’s been one hell of a roller coaster of emotions for both Cody and myself. I think I’ve cried about his porn addiction maybe three times since I’ve found out, not including the breakdown of finding out. When I say I’ve cried I don’t mean a full on cry more like me feeling the pain and some tears falling out and trying to talk to Cody about it.

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That is something that has definitely improved though since we outed Richard (or Dick-Cody’s addiction). Our communication has been great. Cody has no trouble opening up to me anymore, and honestly we are on the same page so much that if I am thinking something he says it aloud and vice versa. It’s been kind of crazy how much we’ve been doing that since everything has been out in the open.

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Today I am going into work at my parents office a little late so I can try to see how much I can tolerate before having too much anxiety take over due to separation. If you’ve read my blog, you will know I do somewhat suffer from separation anxiety, and with discovering Cody’s porn addiction, I have anxiety when he is in a different room than me if I realize I left his phone in that room.

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It’s going to be a long journey to get to a place where I can trust Cody and know his addiction (Richard) will not come up and get in the way of our relationship. The one thing that sucks is that my anorexia (Ed) feeds off of Richard, no pun intended. Yesterday a porn account followed me on Instagram and it brought up a lot of old emotions, and then remembering that Cody had an addiction the whole time just made me in a very sad mood. Ed fed off of my pain and made me think that Cody never wanted me and only wants porn. Of course I told Cody and we talked and he helped me fight off Eds thoughts.

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So it’s not only going to be a challenge for me to help Cody stay “sober” it will also take a lot of energy for me to fight off Ed and the irrational thoughts that he tells me. This morning for instance, as I write this, I can hear Ed whispering in the back of my head that if I don’t eat breakfast the anxiety will be less. That might be true, but I know I am hungry and plan on eating before I leave to go to the office.

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I also didn’t lose my job! I am working two days this week, maybe more, not sure yet. I explained to the mom that a family member has an illness that we didn’t realize the extent of and that we’ve been having to take care of them. Because her own mother just passed, she was very understanding.

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After work today Cody and I will go to his first AA meeting because there are no S-anon meetings around us except for one that is a 40 minute drive, which we agreed to do once a month on a day that worked. Cody told me is doesn’t want to go to the meeting later, not because he doesn’t want to get better, but more so of he is nervous and probably just doesn’t want to face his addiction. I told him that when I went to my first AA meeting I was terrified, and once I went I realized I wasn’t alone and found some really great people to talk to. I also found an Al-anon meeting for myself which is at 7:30 tonight and I am debating on going…but again, the anxiety of leaving Cody alone makes me hesitant.

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If anyone who is reading this has any experience being the partner of an addict, in whatever form the addiction may be, can I ask, how did you get through it? I think back to when I really struggled with my anorexia and I think to now and how far I’ve come, but I didn’t have a partner during the worst of it. I remember my own recovery and see my recovery in Cody in the steps he has taken so far, which makes me proud. Then there are moments when I think about it, think about the fact that he lied for our whole relationship about this and it gets me really down. I fight off the sadness by reminding myself it’s an addiction, and addictions are hard to control and always secretive… I just… I guess I do need support or advice for myself…

XOXO Anna

Lies, Truth, Addiction, and a Plan

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My last post revealed one of Cody’s lies… Well yesterday afternoon/evening I went through all of the search history since our relationship began…. Cody lied to me this whole time. I really don’t want to get into how many times he went to porn and stuff but when we first met, there was nothing really, and then a moderate amount in october, a lot in november and december. January was when I caught the suicide girls on his history and that’s when we had that break down. That’s when he promised he wouldn’t do it anymore…but he did… only a couple times, much less. April 18th I showed him that article, and that really changed a lot, and he had the half misstep that I mentioned in my post from yesterday.

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It’s the lies that hurt the most. We both broke down yesterday. I mean a full on mental break down, Cody even had to be in the bathroom because he thought he was going to puke. But everything is out in the open, no more secrets.

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Cody and I worked out a plan on how to handle this. No I am not leaving him, but that doesn’t mean if he doesn’t get his act together that I will stay. I’ve let him know what I am willing to deal with and what are official deal breakers with his addiction. He took a sick day at work. I already took monday off and was exhausted today, and had Cody come with me to babysit so he could drive because I was too tired and didn’t want to drive if I wasn’t at my best with a kid in the car. The mom wasn’t happy and now I don’t know if I have that job anymore…

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Things are very stressful right now, but Cody and I are trying to stay strong, and he is getting help and starting recovery. One thing that made me see that he is ready is that when I showed him today a picture of a specific girl he looked up months and months ago, he told me later when we were discussing aspects of addiction, that seeing the picture triggered him. Also, with my anorexia I refer to it as Ed, a separate person from me. With Cody’s addiction we call him Dick. So Cody said that Dick was telling him that he should look at the girl and watch video’s but Cody fought off the thought. But the thing that matters is that Cody told me about it the second he realized he had that thought. He was honest for the first time and that gives me hope.

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Anyways…praying that I don’t lose my job and that Cody stays honest and that things work out…

XOXO Anna

Talked

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I am calmer, and I wrote Cody a letter. Cody just left, and he came home for his lunch break and we talked. Cody mainly cried. He walked through the door with a bouquet of red and white roses (my favorite) and he didn’t even get a sentence out before he started crying and he pulled out replacement ring set for the one he got since the black was coming off, and we wanted them to stay nice for fancy occasions. I saw how upset he was and he admitted he had a problem and really wanted help this time. The “porn” he looked at wasn’t actual girls which I was thankful for but like star wars or animated stuff… which was strange to see and honestly obviously less threatening. But still doesn’t make up for him lying.

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One reader, Jeff, has commented on many of my posts and has given great advice and feedback, and I decided that Cody and I should go to an AA meeting since there is no S-Anon meetings in our area. I told Cody that when he said alcohol at the meetings he would in his head be saying porn. I think it might help him to go and talk and it will help me too. My drinking has honestly been really good lately, I haven’t even wanted alcohol for the past couple weeks. I rather have tea or coffee.

But I’ll post the letter I wrote to Cody just so you guys understand what was said from my half.

Dear Jerk, oh whoops, I meant Cody,

So much for you being different than the other shitty guys I’ve had. I really thought you were different. My bad. Maybe I was too naive and hopeful, thinking I could get a happy ending. Let’s be real, my life was shit, it’s shit now, and my future will be shit as well. Doesn’t matter if I stay with you or find someone else, it’s still shit. See this is why I was going to have my life with me, my child, and my dog all alone. No one could hurt me then. If my life got fucked it was because of me. Not because of some random asshole who comes into my life and tears it a part.

Sorry, had to get that anger out. Anyways, back to the real point. You are a liar. The one thing I don’t tolerate and the thing I hate. Fuck. That police class didn’t do shit. I couldn’t fucking tell that you were lying to me for a month. Guess it’s a good thing I’m not going to be a police officer.

I think the worst part is you were actually convincing me to trust you again. Why do you think I still jump on you every time something happens? It’s because deep down I figured it would happen and if I jumped on you enough then maybe it wouldn’t happen. Maybe, just maybe, you would care. You wouldn’t be selfish. You would actually care about me. Care about my feelings. Care that when you look up porn it literally shreds my heart into a million pieces that I then have to pick up and tape back together. I still only had maybe half of my heart rebuilt. Now my heart is completely re-torn apart and the pieces that were already torn apart aren’t even salvageable anymore it seems.

Why. Why oh why oh why do you lie? Do you like hurting me? Are you secretly another sociopath that loves to reek havoc in my life? Are you a wolf in sheeps clothing? Have I been deceived for a whole year? Or is this just you being a generic asshole of a guy who is too selfish to care about anything but his own needs and feelings? To me, right now, you are looking pretty damn bad to me. You’re lucky we’ve had so many good times or I’d be gone right now, hell I would have been gone after the first time.

Why do I stay with you you asked at work? I stay because real relationships are not perfect and you don’t bail on those you love, you don’t bail on family. Sadly that’s what I’ve come to think of you as. Family. Which makes this all the more painful. I rather have those asshole guys from Savannah hurt me again because it wouldn’t be half as bad as the way you’ve made me feel when you betray me with lie after lie. You know Rachael told me I should leave you. I told her I couldn’t. She said I could and I wasn’t trapped. It’s true though. I could leave right now, and never turn back, start fucking any guy who shows interest and go on the path I was going on before I met you. But you see that doesn’t seem right.

Cody, we have built a life together. A life together. I would never risk losing it, yet here you are, a year in and still willing to risk everything…for what? For what, Cody? For some fake chick with huge tits and a big ass? Do you see why I continue to want surgery? Do you see why I continue to be with Ed. Ed is safer than you. That’s what I feel. That’s why I haven’t given Ed up. He keeps me from being with someone who will hurt me. Who does hurt me. Ed can be irrational, and very stupid, but at the end of the day he looks out for me and protects me from getting too close and getting hurt. That’s why he hates you. He hates you because you hurt me. He hates you because you’re trying to take him away from me. He doesn’t like that you’ve hurt me, and is trying to save me from a life I will regret. That is why Ed is still here.

Cody, I love you, I do. It’s just so simple. You don’t love me. You don’t even care about me. I feel so stupid and blind. I’ve spent at least $1,000 on you, and I do everything I can to make you happy. Yet here you are, forgetting about me, forgetting promises, forgetting presents for anniversaries, forgetting to have foreplay, and it goes on and on. I think you’re actually quite selfish. I think you’re a nice guy, to a degree, but you are selfish and that is one of your worst qualities. If we are ever going to make this work, you need to stop being selfish and be honest.

Do you see why I haven’t believed you when you say we’ve made progress, or we’ve come so far, or you love me, or things are different. Things aren’t different. We are back in January and December. We just lost all that progress we, or I, worked for. Yes I. I worked for us. You didn’t. You’re complacent. Or, you just think you can get away with treating me like crap because I’m nice and won’t leave. Well Cody, let me tell you this, I will leave. I will leave you if you lie to me again. I don’t want to. It will kill me to leave you and the life we’ve built. You’re not only killing me, but hurting Luvas, and now our baby Emily. She loves you so much and now… if you lie again you lose us all. You’ll never see us again. So if porn is worth more than three lives… well then that answers that. We mean nothing to you. That’s how I feel right now. I feel meaningless and worthless. I feel stupid. I feel angry. I feel like I want to get you back. I want to cheat or cut or burn or drink. But I’m better than that. I will stay strong because I am just that good. I care about myself and I care about our babies. I won’t let them have two parents that fail them. I will be strong and I will be great. I am great. Hell you are god damn lucky to have me. You’re also lucky I gave you so many chances. Cody, you’re not a cat and you don’t have nine lives. You’re running out of chances.

There are options right now.

  1. We go to therapy and continue living together and working on trust.
  2. I leave and go to my parents for the next two weeks and we go to therapy and we continue to trust each other.
  3. The one I really don’t want to do, which is breakup.

So I really want you to think. You need to think about whether you love me. Whether you want me. Whether you want a serious relationship. Whether you’re ready for a serious relationship. Because Cody I deserve much better than this. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be loved and cared about. Do you want to be the single guy who tries to hit every girl. If that’s what you want let me know, we can live here in our apartment and we can move your shitty mattress from your dad’s and you can have the living room and I’ll take the bed room and we will live civilly together but single since we are locked in this lease.

So Cody, you have some thinking to do. I hope you’ll let me know if you want to be with me or if you love me, or if you’ve been playing me the whole time. All I want at this point is some honesty and if you can’t give me that then it’s obvious that we’re done.

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Cody, before I read this letter, was crying and was very upset. Once I read the letter he went numb. I told him obviously feelings from when I wrote the letter changed but I wanted to read it to him so he knew how hurt I was and would be if this kept happening with no effort to change or be honest with me.

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Out of the three options obviously Cody wants number one. I was thinking about number 2 because in my head number 3 isn’t an option. I believe that Cody and I have worked too hard to give up on us. Plus, if we were married what would we do? Divorce? No. So I am treating this relationship seriously because it is a serious relationship. If Cody was just a fling I would have left ages ago but Cody isn’t just a fling. He is the one and will always be the one. Plus I know addiction. I burned myself only once before our friend called me and talked to me after I texted her what happened. Addiction is strong and honestly I know that giving up and walking away from someone with an addiction is the worst thing you can do. That’s another reason why I am staying, because you need a support system with addictions, and it’s not like Cody has told his friends he has an addiction to porn, nor would they understand. His guy friends would say it’s not a problem and that it’s fine.

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But after reading the letter I got Cody to talk to me a bit and then he started crying again and wouldn’t let me hug him or touch him because he thought he didn’t deserve it. I told him that was nonsense and hugged him. I told him that he should say out loud any thought that crossed his mind while he was crying and when he spoke I was shocked.

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He really hasn’t forgiven himself for any of the missteps or incidents and he is very unforgiving on himself for any hurt he has caused me. He said some things that were very sad for me to hear, because I hated hearing him so depressed and hating on himself. I know everyone makes mistakes and that addictions are hard to get through, and I know what he is feeling because I’ve been there. He reminded me so much of myself a couple years ago when I was crying because I hurt someone because of my addiction. Of course I didn’t have anyone who really stuck around and helped me through it, which made my addiction so much worse. It was only when I was about to lose someone from my addiction that I got help and changed everything, so I’m hoping that Cody is going to do the same.

XOXO Anna

I Hate Liars

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I can’t post right now, I’m too emotional and thinking it better to wait until I calm down. But I’ll give you a hint as to what I’ll post about later. Cody and his porn. May 10th. Lied for a god damn fucking month to me. How did I find out? Work computer history. It’s not the worst offense with the exact porn, but it’s the lying that is killing me. Lie after lie after lie. This is why I am a cynical fuck and don’t trust anyone. Maybe it would have been better to be single forever.

XOXO Anna

Therapy and Healing

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Cody and I went to therapy on friday to talk about all the things we either weren’t talking about or had miscommunications about. It helped for sure. We have a check up session in two 2 weeks. We also had amazing sex last night at my parents house in my bedroom. It brought back a lot of memories of when we were first together. Tomorrow marks a year of us meeting and then the 18th is when he asked me to be his girlfriend. We are trading gifts, but Cody hasn’t gotten his yet. I already have one of the two that I’m giving him. We also were going to get matching tattoo’s with our initial’s in the tattoo, like the one I got with my sister, but at the moment money is really tight, so we are putting that off until the end of the month or beginning of next month when we have the money, so that’s a gift we are getting together.

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Tomorrow I have to take Emily and Luvas to the vet, which is going to cost a lot, and then I’m baby-sitting that afternoon into the evening,and Cody and I will trade our first gift tomorrow night, and then the other on the 18th. But things are turning around for Cody and me.

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Also we’ve figured out I am better at finances than he is, since that is where most of the stress has been coming from. He just isn’t as organized as I am so I got this app Wally, which is a great app, and have folders and am keeping everything organized. This month so far we’ve spent more than normal because of getting gifts and other finances (like parking tickets) and stuff. Overall living together in our own place was originally strange, but I think we are getting used to the place and getting used to our new routine and communicating a lot better lately which is really helping. Seriously glad things are turning around for us!

XOXO Anna

Memorial Day Weekend

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I haven’t posted since last week and that is because last week was finals, a friend visited for the weekend, and I gave Cody a surprise birthday party. I know three weeks after his birthday, which is why he never saw it coming.

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But the weekend was eventful. It was nice having my friend visit. Cody loved his party. We had been arguing a lot last week and we figured out what was going on with us. It was money stress. We both had been stressed because our rent was coming up, which we paid yesterday. But Cody and I talked! We talked about it, and later that night we talked about other things that were on our minds. The fact that we talked made me feel so good.

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Oh! Also we got a kitten, her name is Emily. Luvas before we got her was crying a lot and seemed lonely. We got a kitten and he originally hid under the bed for the first few days but now, a week since we’ve gotten her, and they can sit on the couch together. Luvas does need his space from her at times (like at night) but he doesn’t mind being in the same room as her or her following him around (with a couple feet in between of course). But it takes cats a while to get used to each other. That’s another thing. Cody and I have been like parents since we moved out.

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Luvas, before we got Emily kept us up all night every night crying because we wouldn’t give him attention. Now Emily sometimes keeps us up, or Luvas will if Emily is causing him stress. Since I am officially out of school, and Cody still have work in the morning, I do the “night-shift” with our cats. I’ve been up since 3:30 am. I eventually got out of bed at 5:30 am and started organizing our finances and looking over bank stuff while keeping the cats occupied so Cody could sleep. I’m crazy exhausted, but at least I can nap at some point in the day so I can feel rested.

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Also I got grades back! I got an A in my abnormal psych class and my police class. I am still waiting to hear from sociology, but I think I got an A…and if I did then I will have gotten straight A’s, and have a 4.0 GPA which I’ve never accomplished. So fingers crossed I got an A in sociology!

Cody just came stumbling out of the bedroom wondering why I was up…he is so cute!

XOXO Anna