Recovery Progress

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Cody chose to go to SAA and today he told me about a link he clicked on  because it was under the shopify forum about the code or something and Cody thought it would help him, and it ended up being a bikini bathing suit site and he told me about it and clicked off of it. It brought up a lot of feelings for me. I have anxiety at the moment and I feel like I’m having an emotional flashback to when I found out about his porn addiction. I haven’t really cried but some tears escaped which shocked me but I’m trying to not let the anxiety get to me…

XOXO Anna

About To Find Out The Truth

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Cody and I agreed recovery would be number one. He is about to be put to the test. I have stopped parenting him and have realized that he is in charge of his own recovery and it’s not my place to decide things.

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His dad invited us to go to a concert tomorrow night, which also happens to be the only night where there is an SAA meeting in our area, every thursday at 8:00 pm. I am very nervous to hear what Cody decides. Go see a band he saw four years ago and loved and has the chance to see again, or choose recovery… I can honestly tell you I have no idea what he is going to choose. Only time will tell. Has anyone else ever had a partner that was an addict (doesn’t matter what the addiction is) and had to step back and see if their partner was serious about recovery? And if so, how did you handle it if they chose something besides recovery? I just want to be prepared for whatever Cody chooses.

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I don’t want to tell him to go to the SAA meeting because it doesn’t matter unless he chooses it. Recovery works only when the person needing recovery wants to recover. I can’t force recovery on him. I am nervous about his decision though. We agreed recovery would be number one, which again, I can’t trust that because it’s easy to agree to something when there’s nothing getting in the way of recovery. The true test is when you have to choose recovery over something you would rather do. That shows the seriousness and stuff. I mean, he said he would do anything to show me he is serious about recovery, and I know you can never trust an addict with his words, but with his actions… so I am nervous about finding out if I really do matter. I personally feel like if he meant he loved me and all the promises he has made he will choose recovery. In the end let’s think, is it worth going to a concert to lose the progress he has shown me he has made and show me what is serious in his life, or is it worth it to skip a concert of a band you’ve seen before and prove to your partner how serious you are about being in recovery and proving you love them?

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For me, when I went to AA back in GA I knew the only way I was going to get better was to get distance from my friends and not party. It was extremely hard, I went through a phase of not having any friends because I just couldn’t be in that environment that they all loved. Eventually I got to a place where I could go to a party and either not drink or have just one, but it took a while to get there. I don’t know, I know Cody and I are two very different people, with different personalities. I am serious and determined and ambitious. Cody is a dreamer, lazy, and laid back. I can be lazy too, but when push comes to shove I step up. That’s where I think Cody and I are different. I don’t have much hope for Cody making his decision, really because it’s the first time he is being tested in his recovery…but I just am trying to prepare myself to be okay with whatever he decides…

XOXO Anna

Wedding and Re-Promise Proposal

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We went to Ohio this past weekend for Cody’s cousins wedding. She is 21, so a year younger than us. Her story of meeting her fiancé was crazy. She hated dating sites and she lost a bet and made a Tinder account and within ten minutes of making it her fiancé was her first match! I never thought Tinder would work, but I just saw a wedding that proves that Tinder might actually have hope for finding a real relationship haha.

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Anyways Cody and I really had a wonderful weekend. We made a lot of progress with communication, respect, and compromising. Then last night we got back and I was tired and Ed (my anorexia) got the better of me and I freaked out after I ate about my body and not being good enough and stuff. Cody got frustrated because he felt I would never feel good enough for him because of his porn addiction. He told me to sit on the couch and stay there.

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He came back and got down on one knee and kinda pre-proposed. It was the most adorable thing in the world. First off, he held the wrong hand as he started to pre-propose, and I told him and he grabbed my left hand and started over again, and was like, “Shit I don’t know what I’m doing.” It was adorable how nervous he was. He basically in the end said, “Anna, will you marry me when I’m ready, meaning once I feel like I am over my addiction or feel like I won’t relapse, and have the money for a real ring?” I was kinda speechless because I wasn’t sure if he was just fucking with me.

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It took me the rest of the night to process it, but he basically wanted to redo our promise to each other now that everything was out in the open, and he wanted to know that I would marry him after all this. I guess he doubted that I would say yes still, but that was cute. I love him so much, and I still can’t get over how cute he was. He was ridiculously nervous and was that cute awkward when he was down on one knee trying to pre-propose “correctly” but I will cherish that memory forever.

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Cody and I have made a lot of improvements this past month. This weekend accelerated our progress, and Cody has earned a bit of trust back. We were in a book store and there were a bunch of sex position books and there were ones that were pornographic with real couples and there was some with drawings. I handed Cody the one with the drawings, and then he turned the page and saw a real couple and slammed the book shut and literally threw it down on the book shelf. He looked so shocked and uneasy. I could tell that his reaction was real and he didn’t just shut the book and put it down because of me and the porn thing. He did it because he didn’t want to see that stuff. He wanted to be sober and in recovery. That is why he has earned some trust back. I am very proud of him, and I felt bad because I had handed him that book thinking it was just drawings… but he handled the situation so well. Cody has made me very proud of him these past few days and has given me faith in him and earned some trust back.

XOXO Anna

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

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Yesterday Cody was great when I picked up India to hangout last night. He was going to watch Scrubs, and when I came back with my sister, he was reading his book. I was impressed and he said something that he wasn’t sure if I would be okay with on the screen came up so he stopped the show and turned it off and told me about it. He then allowed me to watch the scene, and I was happy he stopped it out of respect for the boundaries I set and I was so proud of him! I mean I was proud, like I couldn’t believe he actually did that. I wasn’t sure if he was capable of doing it, honestly. The fact that he did that blew me away. It gave me a small piece of trust and faith back.

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This morning I sleep in for the first time! Mainly because I was so exhausted and I figured I would try to sleep in because this time because there would be less chance of anxiety and panic attacks. I slept right through Cody showering (which used to be when he would do porn behind my back) and I was so proud of myself for actually sleeping in for the first time since I’ve found out.

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This morning I choose to continue to sleep in when Cody leaves for work, and I remind him about the drill, text me when he gets to work, history, ask, the whole bang, and he says he knows and kissed me goodbye with an “I love you.” I wake up an hour later from an obnoxious noise outside and a terrible nightmare of Cody and I breaking up because he confessed to me that he loves his best girl friend and has been in love with her forever. Terrible dream! I thought, what better way to reassure myself that to see if Cody texted me that he got to work and the history.

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Checked the phone and there was nothing. I was pissed. I called him and I asked him and I got the same answers of him being forgetful. I told him just because I slept in does not mean he can stop doing the agreement. He said he knew that. He sends me the history later after a lot of talking and hanging up and talking again, and I see he looked up something that was not under the agreements, and if not under that, he is supposed to ask. Well, yet again, not asking me…

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I text his friend Cap because at this point I am exhausted. Cap said his answer to Cody’s “forgetfulness” was sticky notes. I even suggested that to Cody! I told him if he was sick of me getting upset he could have thought of ways to fix the issue, but Cody didn’t put any thought into how to fix his forgetfulness, I think he thinks it’s a fine excuse and nothing needs to be done about it. Cap and I continued talking, and Cap really wants to talk to Cody because he says he has no idea what’s going on with Cody.

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I told Cap what happened, and that I didn’t think Cody took the sticky note idea seriously. Cap said, “Damn…I thought sticky notes was the best idea in the world, honestly I feel bad because I’m vouching for Cody, and he’s letting me down too. I’m sorry you keep getting let down chance after chance.” I reply to Cap and we keep talking, and Cap really just wonders whats going on with Cody, and eventually asks me, “Do you think he lacks remorse?” I explained I’d been with sociopathic people in the past and Cody doesn’t have the characteristics of a sociopath, but god damn if Cody were one I wouldn’t survive it. Cap just told me to hang in there and he would talk to Cody on Tuesday.

Praying things turn around!

XOXO Anna

Drinks with a Friend, Cody, and Emotions

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Cody’s friend, who I’ve mentioned in this blog before without a code name being applied, hung out with me yesterday because he knows the situation with Cody.We will call him Cap because he is a capricorn. So Cap and I got a drink and I talked forever about Cody. I talked about all the frustrations I’ve been having and all the progress too, but I just was glad someone could understand my pain. He is still dealing with his ex that cheated on him and he was telling me about that. So we could relate and he said that Cody was somewhat similar to his ex in certain ways. Mainly just when asking them a question, they both tend to either not answer or say something that isn’t answering the question. Cap gets quite frustrated with his ex when she does that because he knows she is lying or doesn’t want to answer whatever he asked her.

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Cody and I have come up with boundaries until he has earned some trust back. We came up with them right after I found out about his addiction. Cody kind of, well he did, not listen to those boundaries yesterday…twice… so I was upset, hence why talking with Cap was helpful.

Here are the boundaries:

  1. At work, he sends me his search history every hour
  2. He can “fuck off” at work by going to CarId, Autotrader, or listening to Neil Degrasse Tyson or other relevant scientist youtube videos.
  3. He calls me if he has an urge
  4. He, if wanting to look at anything else, but the stated sites above, asks me before doing so.
  5. No video games – i.e. don’t talk to me about video games, don’t play video games, and don’t buy video games unless you ask to buy or play them. (computer  and xbox)

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Last week he slipped up on number 4 once and I told him fair, and gave him a warning and explained why I wanted him to do so. Yesterday he slipped up on number 4 again, while I was with Cap. Cap said it was fine if I called him and I did and I was very annoyed and angry. He has slipped up now with that one 3 times so I just didn’t understand why. I told him that him asking before searching something helps me trust him and build some small trust back. But him searching stuff (like cars or science, which is totally innocent) without asking me still hurts me because I put those boundaries in place so we could start building trust, yet he keeps “forgetting” or getting “caught up” in searching car stuff. I know he said his thought process is, “It’s cars, that’s no big deal, that’s normal, so I can search it.”

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Yes that is innocent, but it’s not about that, it’s about the building of trust, and I am not sure he totally comprehends what I’m getting at. Maybe he does after we talked last night but I’m not sure. Once Cody is out of work we hang out get dinner with my sister, and go home. I was in the bathroom and I get back to the living room and Cody tells me he bought a free game. I was shocked and I tried to stay calm because he again just did what he wanted without letting me know before he did it… I reminded him about the video game boundary I set, and also just because video games are going to be a distraction from all this, and I just felt so stupid. Cody has even admitted to me in the past he would use video games as an escape, same thing with porn. So if he is truly going to fight his porn addiction, he can’t turn to another thing that will allow him to escape all the unpleasant emotions. Recovery is about dealing and facing the emotions that are uncomfortable. So I asked Cody if he forgot our conversation from earlier today about not doing something technology/internet related without asking first, and he did. He said it was a free game that he couldn’t pass up and he was going to do it anyways. I was calm with him until he told me he was going to do it anyways, as in even if I said no he would do it…

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At that point I kind of gave up and became submissive. I obviously told him why that was upsetting me, it made me feel like he wasn’t respecting the boundaries I set for rebuilding trust, and that the small amount of trust we built was now not as strong because he did it that night after we had already talked at lunch about it… We kept talking and talking until we made up. He agreed to be more, well, I guess he agreed to actually stick to the boundaries I’ve set…but I honestly don’t know if I can trust him when he says that… I don’t know, I’ll try, obviously.

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Also I’ve read plenty of articles about women and men and sex. In most articles I found that women don’t want to have sex if there’s an argument going on, where as guys think that sex will fix the problem. I don’t know if that’s true. But for me, once an argument is done and we’ve made up usually I want to feel closer to the person…and that means for me I want to usually have sex to feel loved and cared about and that the person and me truly have made up and are good. Cody doesn’t seem to want that ever. If we’ve made up he is content to sit on the couch with me and watch Netflix or something. So that makes me feel like we still aren’t okay, or even if we made up it’s not like he wants to be with me, or whatever.

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I am the type of person who likes sex because I like feeling close to someone, and if you’ve been reading my blog for the past year you will know I was terrified of intimacy when Cody and I were first together, and sex and the closeness scared me. Now, I crave that closeness, especially because the past year I realize how not close we were at all… I sometimes feel worlds away from Cody. I mean, even when I didn’t know about his addiction I always felt this wall….something keeping us from being close. Now I know what that was, but even with everything in the open…I still want that closeness. That feeling of being loved and cared about. That feeling of this person is safe and loving and is here… I don’t know. I mean, when Cody first admitted to me everything I felt close because he was opening up to me, that lasted the first couple days after and then life gets in the way and we don’t talk as much.

Sure he goes to the AA meetings with me, and does couples counseling, but I still feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me, and it’s not because he is hiding anything this time, more of  I think it’s because he feels really bad about what he has done so it’s making it harder for him to open up to me.

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I mean he keeps telling me he doesn’t deserve me and I deserve better and I should breakup with him and go see if I find any other guy who I like and if not then I can come back to Cody because he thinks then I will really know if I want to be with him. I told him not to say that anymore because I want to be with Cody and for Cody to basically treat himself as if he is an option is really sad. If I left Cody I wouldn’t have the right to have him back. That to me isn’t an option. So I think Cody is struggling with low self-esteem right now, and slight depression at times, and just not wanting to talk to me because he feels so bad about everything.

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I’m hoping that Cody talks to me without me asking him to, or without it being like puling teeth. I guess it would be nice if I weren’t always the one trying to work on the relationship, like if he took initiative sometimes. He mentioned something that I can’t know, I assume a surprise or something… so that will be nice hopefully. I mean if he is doing something for me than that means he is trying and putting in effort. Effort into making the relationship better romantically.

Only time will tell…

XOXO Anna

Couples Therapy

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Cody and I talked a lot yesterday before couples therapy. At work I installed a web browser blocker and blocked a lot of porn sites and words that could bring up porn, and the funny thing is that when one searches a term that is blocked it redirects to another page, that you can set…so I set it to redirect to the picture of Cody and I in the beginning of our relationship, we were kissing in a coffee shop, and it’s really a sweet picture. So I feel a bit better about Cody going to work now, though I still have anxiety.

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We switched phones at the beginning of this week since it was his phone and the work computer he used for his addiction. I haven’t yet found something to block sites and words for his phone, so that has been a bummer for both of us. I know Cody wants his phone back but I need to have a certain level of trust gained back before I give him his phone, which he used to feed his addiction.

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In therapy we made a lot of progress. We talked about a lot of things, like the things we’ve progressed on and the things that I personally am still trying to work to get over. My goal is to obviously be able to forgive Cody and look back at the past without feeling pain. I’m not there yet but I’m working on it. I also am working on trying to understand how Cody could have let us sign a year lease together, knowing that if I found out about his addiction there was a possibility of me leaving. Cody and I have talked about it, and we talked in therapy about it, and the therapist helped me understand a bit more.

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Also surprise! My sister is back in town and no one told me. Yesterday my mom texted me that she was arriving late last night and I was completely thrown off guard. If you’ve read my blog you will know that things have been tense with my sister. If not,this can give you an idea of what happened. So I am not only trying to stay strong and keep Cody going in recovery, but now I have to make sure I am there enough for my sister while she is here too. I’m a bit stressed to say the least…

XOXO Anna

What’s wrong with me?

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I know I have been posting a lot, and frequently. It’s mainly because I need a place to vent because I have no one to talk to at the moment. But Cody read my post and he said I shouldn’t feel stupid about the marriage and wedding thing. I explained that I shouldn’t have even entertained the idea. He asked why and I explained, and he said, “No, you’ve just been thinking about it with the wrong people…it’s not stupid that you’ve been thinking of it though.” I said, “Really, why?”

He said, “Cause it’s plausible with anyone and something that is extremely common.”

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Well thank you for the obvious Cody. The answer I was hoping for was, “It’s not stupid to think about marriage or a wedding because I want it too.” Fuck me. Does Cody not realize that he hurt me to my core and I need to know that he wants to be with me? I logically know he wants to be with me, but can he show me or tell me?

XOXO Anna