It’s been one hell of a roller coaster of emotions for both Cody and myself. I think I’ve cried about his porn addiction maybe three times since I’ve found out, not including the breakdown of finding out. When I say I’ve cried I don’t mean a full on cry more like me feeling the pain and some tears falling out and trying to talk to Cody about it.
That is something that has definitely improved though since we outed Richard (or Dick-Cody’s addiction). Our communication has been great. Cody has no trouble opening up to me anymore, and honestly we are on the same page so much that if I am thinking something he says it aloud and vice versa. It’s been kind of crazy how much we’ve been doing that since everything has been out in the open.
Today I am going into work at my parents office a little late so I can try to see how much I can tolerate before having too much anxiety take over due to separation. If you’ve read my blog, you will know I do somewhat suffer from separation anxiety, and with discovering Cody’s porn addiction, I have anxiety when he is in a different room than me if I realize I left his phone in that room.
It’s going to be a long journey to get to a place where I can trust Cody and know his addiction (Richard) will not come up and get in the way of our relationship. The one thing that sucks is that my anorexia (Ed) feeds off of Richard, no pun intended. Yesterday a porn account followed me on Instagram and it brought up a lot of old emotions, and then remembering that Cody had an addiction the whole time just made me in a very sad mood. Ed fed off of my pain and made me think that Cody never wanted me and only wants porn. Of course I told Cody and we talked and he helped me fight off Eds thoughts.
So it’s not only going to be a challenge for me to help Cody stay “sober” it will also take a lot of energy for me to fight off Ed and the irrational thoughts that he tells me. This morning for instance, as I write this, I can hear Ed whispering in the back of my head that if I don’t eat breakfast the anxiety will be less. That might be true, but I know I am hungry and plan on eating before I leave to go to the office.
I also didn’t lose my job! I am working two days this week, maybe more, not sure yet. I explained to the mom that a family member has an illness that we didn’t realize the extent of and that we’ve been having to take care of them. Because her own mother just passed, she was very understanding.
After work today Cody and I will go to his first AA meeting because there are no S-anon meetings around us except for one that is a 40 minute drive, which we agreed to do once a month on a day that worked. Cody told me is doesn’t want to go to the meeting later, not because he doesn’t want to get better, but more so of he is nervous and probably just doesn’t want to face his addiction. I told him that when I went to my first AA meeting I was terrified, and once I went I realized I wasn’t alone and found some really great people to talk to. I also found an Al-anon meeting for myself which is at 7:30 tonight and I am debating on going…but again, the anxiety of leaving Cody alone makes me hesitant.
If anyone who is reading this has any experience being the partner of an addict, in whatever form the addiction may be, can I ask, how did you get through it? I think back to when I really struggled with my anorexia and I think to now and how far I’ve come, but I didn’t have a partner during the worst of it. I remember my own recovery and see my recovery in Cody in the steps he has taken so far, which makes me proud. Then there are moments when I think about it, think about the fact that he lied for our whole relationship about this and it gets me really down. I fight off the sadness by reminding myself it’s an addiction, and addictions are hard to control and always secretive… I just… I guess I do need support or advice for myself…