Up and Down Cycle

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I am fine one minute and then depressed the next when I think about Cody. I was babysitting today and when he got back to work he texted me (we switched phones, he has mine and I have his because Richard would never use my phone for porn) that when he got back to the office after lunch, that seeing my picture as my screen saver made him “think of you 😉 “…to me that was kinda nice and a turn on to hear, so I figured maybe take that and turn it into a sexy thing and build the anticipation until we get home and can have sex (or as Cody has been referring to it lately, making love). I replied, “Oh…did it now? ;P” he said, “yep” and I replied when he obviously didn’t get that I was trying to get some dirty sexy talk in, “What did it make you think about?” He replied, “You doing stuff to me, me doing stuff to you. Going from behind, stuff like that ;)”

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Sorry but that was the lamest dirty talk ever. A turn off, not a turn on. Ever since then (which was around 3 pm) I’ve been a bit on the low end. Either Cody knows nothing of what he personally likes or turns him on sexually (which isn’t fully the case) or I felt like Richard came in and got in the way of Cody and I trying to bond and get back to a good place. I’ve had sexier dirty talk from tinder guys… I don’t know. I feel stupid and sad. I think about the past year and all the stuff I’ve done compared to him and fuck. I’ve spent so much money, put so much time and effort into making sure he was happy, and the whole time he was being selfish and stuck in his own addiction (which he didn’t realize was an addiction).

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I had the urge to drink on the way home and wanted to stop by our favorite bar, but I knew I had to go get pet food and litter, which by the way, I pay for. I have paid for most of Luvas and Emily’s things (vet and pet store). Derpy. Anyways, I got them their stuff, and I’m at home, not drinking. Blogging, and a bit down. I started over thinking on the way home too. I was thinking about how can I ever know if Cody is telling the truth…couldn’t he simply just go back to his addiction and erase the history? Again, over thinking, but then that made me depressed, and that made me want to be dressed all sexy and go to a bar and talk to other guys, dance, get wild and crazy and forget. See what else is out there. But in reality nothing better is probably out there. I rather stay with Cody and suffer as we get through this problem then go with some new guy and have that new guy hurt me a million times more.

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Fucking A…I hate emotions.

XOXO Anna

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