Yesterday Cody and I ended up talking which was obviously very helpful. Cody worded something very strangely and we talked about it this morning too. He said that he wanted to know if there was a chance that we were going to break up because if there was he would want to know because he said he thought that if he thought we were fine then he wouldn’t put the effort in as much, like getting me roses, or doing the little things. So you can see why the way he worded it made me…confused. We talked about it and he said he didn’t know why he said that, but he knew he should be putting in effort regardless.
Cody has been honest with me since I found out everything, and we’ve been talking, trying to have fun, and trying to have a sex life where one of us isn’t “off” which would make it not work. Like last night we were going to get each other off in the shower after we had sex, but for me I couldn’t do it because my thoughts were wrapped up in the past to the times that he would get off to porn in the shower behind my back. Hell I can’t get off even if I’m alone in the shower… so that makes me upset. I’m sure with time that will change, but at the moment it kind of sucks.
We have couples therapy tomorrow, which I am looking forward too. I need guidance. I need to know that we are making progress. And yes I need to hear it from a professional, I can’t trust Cody and I can’t trust myself to know that Cody is being honest. That’s something I hate, not even being able to trust my own intuition. I mean, I knew something was off with Cody and me over this past year, I just couldn’t put the pieces together. At the moment I am feeling like something small is off between Cody and I, and maybe it’s just because we both are going from happy to depressed which makes things confusing. I feel lost at times and then at other times I know exactly where Cody and I are going.
Richard didn’t show up yesterday at all, which made me happy, and I can only pray that today will be the same. Also praying that rebuilding trust will be easier than my pessimistic personality anticipates it to be…