Cody’s friend, who I’ve mentioned in this blog before without a code name being applied, hung out with me yesterday because he knows the situation with Cody.We will call him Cap because he is a capricorn. So Cap and I got a drink and I talked forever about Cody. I talked about all the frustrations I’ve been having and all the progress too, but I just was glad someone could understand my pain. He is still dealing with his ex that cheated on him and he was telling me about that. So we could relate and he said that Cody was somewhat similar to his ex in certain ways. Mainly just when asking them a question, they both tend to either not answer or say something that isn’t answering the question. Cap gets quite frustrated with his ex when she does that because he knows she is lying or doesn’t want to answer whatever he asked her.
Cody and I have come up with boundaries until he has earned some trust back. We came up with them right after I found out about his addiction. Cody kind of, well he did, not listen to those boundaries yesterday…twice… so I was upset, hence why talking with Cap was helpful.
Here are the boundaries:
- At work, he sends me his search history every hour
- He can “fuck off” at work by going to CarId, Autotrader, or listening to Neil Degrasse Tyson or other relevant scientist youtube videos.
- He calls me if he has an urge
- He, if wanting to look at anything else, but the stated sites above, asks me before doing so.
- No video games – i.e. don’t talk to me about video games, don’t play video games, and don’t buy video games unless you ask to buy or play them. (computer and xbox)
Last week he slipped up on number 4 once and I told him fair, and gave him a warning and explained why I wanted him to do so. Yesterday he slipped up on number 4 again, while I was with Cap. Cap said it was fine if I called him and I did and I was very annoyed and angry. He has slipped up now with that one 3 times so I just didn’t understand why. I told him that him asking before searching something helps me trust him and build some small trust back. But him searching stuff (like cars or science, which is totally innocent) without asking me still hurts me because I put those boundaries in place so we could start building trust, yet he keeps “forgetting” or getting “caught up” in searching car stuff. I know he said his thought process is, “It’s cars, that’s no big deal, that’s normal, so I can search it.”
Yes that is innocent, but it’s not about that, it’s about the building of trust, and I am not sure he totally comprehends what I’m getting at. Maybe he does after we talked last night but I’m not sure. Once Cody is out of work we hang out get dinner with my sister, and go home. I was in the bathroom and I get back to the living room and Cody tells me he bought a free game. I was shocked and I tried to stay calm because he again just did what he wanted without letting me know before he did it… I reminded him about the video game boundary I set, and also just because video games are going to be a distraction from all this, and I just felt so stupid. Cody has even admitted to me in the past he would use video games as an escape, same thing with porn. So if he is truly going to fight his porn addiction, he can’t turn to another thing that will allow him to escape all the unpleasant emotions. Recovery is about dealing and facing the emotions that are uncomfortable. So I asked Cody if he forgot our conversation from earlier today about not doing something technology/internet related without asking first, and he did. He said it was a free game that he couldn’t pass up and he was going to do it anyways. I was calm with him until he told me he was going to do it anyways, as in even if I said no he would do it…
At that point I kind of gave up and became submissive. I obviously told him why that was upsetting me, it made me feel like he wasn’t respecting the boundaries I set for rebuilding trust, and that the small amount of trust we built was now not as strong because he did it that night after we had already talked at lunch about it… We kept talking and talking until we made up. He agreed to be more, well, I guess he agreed to actually stick to the boundaries I’ve set…but I honestly don’t know if I can trust him when he says that… I don’t know, I’ll try, obviously.
Also I’ve read plenty of articles about women and men and sex. In most articles I found that women don’t want to have sex if there’s an argument going on, where as guys think that sex will fix the problem. I don’t know if that’s true. But for me, once an argument is done and we’ve made up usually I want to feel closer to the person…and that means for me I want to usually have sex to feel loved and cared about and that the person and me truly have made up and are good. Cody doesn’t seem to want that ever. If we’ve made up he is content to sit on the couch with me and watch Netflix or something. So that makes me feel like we still aren’t okay, or even if we made up it’s not like he wants to be with me, or whatever.
I am the type of person who likes sex because I like feeling close to someone, and if you’ve been reading my blog for the past year you will know I was terrified of intimacy when Cody and I were first together, and sex and the closeness scared me. Now, I crave that closeness, especially because the past year I realize how not close we were at all… I sometimes feel worlds away from Cody. I mean, even when I didn’t know about his addiction I always felt this wall….something keeping us from being close. Now I know what that was, but even with everything in the open…I still want that closeness. That feeling of being loved and cared about. That feeling of this person is safe and loving and is here… I don’t know. I mean, when Cody first admitted to me everything I felt close because he was opening up to me, that lasted the first couple days after and then life gets in the way and we don’t talk as much.
Sure he goes to the AA meetings with me, and does couples counseling, but I still feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me, and it’s not because he is hiding anything this time, more of I think it’s because he feels really bad about what he has done so it’s making it harder for him to open up to me.
I mean he keeps telling me he doesn’t deserve me and I deserve better and I should breakup with him and go see if I find any other guy who I like and if not then I can come back to Cody because he thinks then I will really know if I want to be with him. I told him not to say that anymore because I want to be with Cody and for Cody to basically treat himself as if he is an option is really sad. If I left Cody I wouldn’t have the right to have him back. That to me isn’t an option. So I think Cody is struggling with low self-esteem right now, and slight depression at times, and just not wanting to talk to me because he feels so bad about everything.
I’m hoping that Cody talks to me without me asking him to, or without it being like puling teeth. I guess it would be nice if I weren’t always the one trying to work on the relationship, like if he took initiative sometimes. He mentioned something that I can’t know, I assume a surprise or something… so that will be nice hopefully. I mean if he is doing something for me than that means he is trying and putting in effort. Effort into making the relationship better romantically.
Only time will tell…