One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

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Yesterday Cody was great when I picked up India to hangout last night. He was going to watch Scrubs, and when I came back with my sister, he was reading his book. I was impressed and he said something that he wasn’t sure if I would be okay with on the screen came up so he stopped the show and turned it off and told me about it. He then allowed me to watch the scene, and I was happy he stopped it out of respect for the boundaries I set and I was so proud of him!ย I mean I was proud, like I couldn’t believe he actually did that. I wasn’t sure if he was capable of doing it, honestly. The fact that he did that blew me away. It gave me a small piece of trust and faith back.

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This morning I sleep in for the first time! Mainly because I was so exhausted and I figured I would try to sleep in because this time because there would be less chance of anxiety and panic attacks. I slept right through Cody showering (which used to be when he would do porn behind my back) and I was so proud of myself for actually sleeping in for the first time since I’ve found out.

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This morning I choose to continue to sleep in when Cody leaves for work, and I remind him about the drill, text me when he gets to work, history, ask, the whole bang, and he says he knows and kissed me goodbye with an “I love you.”ย I wake up an hour later from an obnoxious noise outside and a terrible nightmare of Cody and I breaking up because he confessed to me that he loves his best girl friend and has been in love with her forever. Terrible dream! I thought, what better way to reassure myself that to see if Cody texted me that he got to work and the history.

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Checked the phone and there was nothing. I was pissed. I called him and I asked him and I got the same answers of him being forgetful. I told him just because I slept in does not mean he can stop doing the agreement. He said he knew that. He sends me the history later after a lot of talking and hanging up and talking again, and I see he looked up something that was not under the agreements, and if not under that, he is supposed to ask. Well, yet again, not asking me…

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I text his friend Cap because at this point I am exhausted. Cap said his answer to Cody’s “forgetfulness” was sticky notes. I even suggested that to Cody! I told him if he was sick of me getting upset he could have thought of ways to fix the issue, but Cody didn’t put any thought into how to fix his forgetfulness, I think he thinks it’s a fine excuse and nothing needs to be done about it. Cap and I continued talking, and Cap really wants to talk to Cody because he says he has no idea what’s going on with Cody.

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I told Cap what happened, and that I didn’t think Cody took the sticky note idea seriously. Cap said, “Damn…I thought sticky notes was the best idea in the world, honestly I feel bad because I’m vouching for Cody, and he’s letting me down too. I’m sorry you keep getting let down chance after chance.” I reply to Cap and we keep talking, and Cap really just wonders whats going on with Cody, and eventually asks me, “Do you think he lacks remorse?” I explained I’d been with sociopathic people in the past and Cody doesn’t have the characteristics of a sociopath, but god damn if Cody were one I wouldn’t survive it. Cap just told me to hang in there and he would talk to Cody on Tuesday.

Praying things turn around!

XOXO Anna

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2 thoughts on “One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

  1. I’ve been thinking about this and offer a couple of thoughts and opinions…and remember, opinions are like body orifices, everyone has several ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Is it good for you or Cody or your relationship for you to be his accountability partner? This will take him some time, and until he gets new habits and practices, there will be slips. Having to report them to you only makes him feel worse about slips, and opens your wounds more. Maybe Cap or someone you both trust and can talk to about this would be better.

    Have you looked at software apps where they block certain sites, or only allow certain sites? That would help relieve you of the need to monitor and help him when he does slip (and, btw, some/most of those slips are likely inadvertent on his part, because it’s a radically different way of using the phone/computer than previously)

    Similar, this is where Al-Anon would help you. It helps the co-sufferer understand that this isn’t about them, and that they can’t control the addiction. The user eventually has to give it up to his Higher Power, and no amount of nagging, watching, shaming, etc. will do it. It might even help you with handling your anxiety/fears about his use.

    And finally, I wonder if the restrictions are too tight and unforgiving. If you two want to prohibit porn and game sites, fine. Maybe it would help if you had to write down why we went to any particular site, what he was thinking when he did. It would allow for following threads, or allow a car site when he doesn’t want to handle his feelings, but would prod him to at least realize when it’s his feelings or what are his feelings when he does it

    This will take time. I don’t know (or at least remember) how old Cody is, but access to porn was probably something that he has had from day one on the computer and phone. He didn’t start off thinking “Oh, I think I’ll become a porn addict, that’ll be good for my life” He started with some pain, some insecurity, some thought in his head— and the porn acted as a hammer to pound that image/ that action into his head with chemically released pleasure sensations. It’ll take time to undo that. Dumping Ed wasn’t quick and easy for you, dumping Richard will be just as difficult with him.

    Praying for you both ๐Ÿ™‚ Hope the weekend goes well both with him and India. And I hope my thoughts haven’t crossed a line. Remember, I’m not an expert- I just slept in a holiday inn express one night ๐Ÿ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

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