More Progress! Getting Impressed!

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Last night we went to SAA and I was extremely uncomfortable for the first twenty minutes. I could feel my body completely tense and anxious. But honestly by the end of the meeting I felt myself relating to the things some of them shared, about their feelings, about how they wished to stay open and honest with their wives and so much more. They told us the Saturday meetings had more people, and people in recovery with a lot more sobriety. We are going to go to a saturday meeting, or maybe just Cody will, and I really hope Cody finds some people he can talk to, and hopefully, even a sponsor if he chooses that.

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Before we went to SAA last night Cody emailed a therapist! I was so freaking proud of him. He wrote the email, and sent it. Later that night the therapist replied that she wasn’t taking any new clients but referred him to another therapist in the building who knew about addiction. So I asked Cody to copy and paste the email he sent to the first therapist and send it to the recommended one today… so fingers crossed he does it/doesn’t forget!

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Cody is making so much progress with his recovery, and I feel stuck in mine. I’ve moved forward since I first found out. I’ve even mentioned key moments where Cody has showed me he is trustworthy, and has earned a small bit of trust back, and has given me faith and hope that he can do this. He has shown me in small moments through out this month he is serious, is being honest, and is recovering.

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For me, I’ve made progress by being able to now get off in the shower, which was something I couldn’t do because that’s where Cody would do it behind my back in the early morning. So that was a huge step forward for me. I keep getting stuck on the being “human” or “imperfect” thing. I am really feeling down because I got my period the other day which reminded me that in porn girls never get their period. Just another way I “suck” and can’t compete, at least that’s the emotional part of my brain, or even Ed talking to me. Yesterday Cody and I didn’t have sex. I kinda sadly wanted to, but I didn’t mention it because I really don’t want to get rejected. I still feel totally vulnerable and very scared around sex.

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For me, now I am constantly in my head thinking about how imperfect I am, or if what I’m doing is porn-like, or if it’s good enough, or if I’m sexy enough, etc. It’s draining to think like that. I logically know that I…am better than porn. And damn that sentence was really hard to write, because part of me still thinks I’m not… but anyways! I give Cody a lot more than some girl on a screen, right? I can give him support, cheer him on, love him, comfort him, be his best friend, etc… I’m sure there’s more…

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I mean, there are times when I think back to what happened and the times he did all that behind my back and sometimes, sometimes, I don’t feel the pain, and other times it consumes me. I’m obviously still working through the stages of grief… But I’m getting through it slowly. The main thing I need to focus on is rebuilding my own confidence, inside and outside of the bedroom. My confidence has been stomped on with the discovery of Cody’s porn addiction. Suddenly everything I thought was real or true just isn’t. There are obviously things that I realize are true, but then there are things that I am still working on in that manner.

Looking at Body

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Ed is loving this, he wants to feed off of this situation and I’ve been doing my best to not let Ed take over. He wants to tell me I’m not good enough and I never will be. He has told me that, even before I knew all this, those were my daily thoughts, but since finding out Ed has been laughing at me because he tells me he was right the whole time and Cody doing that proves that I am not good enough in any way. Of course, I am doing my best to fight off the irrational thoughts.

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Another thing is I haven’t found much support for partners of sex and porn addicts… Most sites I find for sex and porn addicts are connected to religion, which I think is stupid. I am not religious and I do not believe that sex and porn addiction be strictly tied with religion. I don’t believe porn is wrong because “God” says it is. I believe porn is wrong because it harms human beings. It is harmful to those being filmed, it is harmful to the people who watch it, and it is harmful to the partners. That’s why I believe it’s wrong. I even, finally, found a website that is against porn that is not religious!

Fight The New Drug is the site, and there is a lot of GREAT information. Check it out if you’re a partner or an addict yourself.

But anyways, just trying to stay strong through all this!

XOXO Anna

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4 thoughts on “More Progress! Getting Impressed!

  1. What an amazing post, thanks so much for your honesty. I wanted to give a few thoughts on some of the points in your post if that’s ok!

    Cody is so lucky to have someone as supportive as you. Many addicts don’t have anyone as supportive as you are in their lives, especially not as their partner. On behalf of all addicts out there, thank you for being amazing. You may not realise how powerful you and your support is, but it really is a truly wonderful thing.

    SAA and therapy both featured early on when I decided to take recovery from porn addiction seriously. Both are really powerful and important, but in very different ways, and I’m sure Cody will reap the benefits of taking such courageous steps, with you by his side.

    One way therapy was important to me was that no matter how loving a partner is, there is a limit to their involvement in recovery. My wife, while being incredibly supportive, is never going to want to (or should have to) hear the dirty details, or be my accountability partner. She is too deeply intertwined in my life to be an impartial motivator in my recovery, so someone else is also needed, and that’s part of the role the therapist plays. In addition, my therapist is able to see my life from a different perspective than me, and is able to point out things I may never have thought of. My therapist has helped me so much, simply by helping me ask questions and think about areas of my life.

    One piece of advice I would give to Cody is that he should allow himself to decide whether he feels comfortable, in his gut, with his therapist. It took me a while, but I realised that my first therapist just wasn’t working for me, so I ended things and found a new one, who was far better. All therapists are different, so don’t be disappointed if the first one doesn’t work out and don’t be afraid to try another one.

    I really feel your pain when you talk about how much trust has been lost and how much your self-confidence has been affected. It is so sad to hear about how an addiction can do this to another partner. You must know that a porn addict is not addicted to porn because real life sex isn’t good enough – it is far more complex than that. Porn addiction, like many other addictions, is a coping mechanism, to deal with various emotions, many of which may not even be known to the addict. Childhood trauma, abuse, parenting troubles, self-esteem issues, stress, tiredness, boredom, loneliness… these are all things that porn addiction can be used to deal with. It is escapism. Porn is addictive, and for some it becomes the only coping mechanism they know. Two years into recovery and I’m still finding out new aspects of myself that I’m using porn to compensate for.

    None of this is to say that your sexual relationship may not be being harmed by the addiction, but perhaps not in the way you think – it has nothing to do with your physical attractiveness compared to those on a screen. I appreciate words alone will hardly convince you of this, but simply put your self-esteem should not be tied to the actions of actors and the immoral production companies that they work for.

    In terms of support for partners, I think it is a really healthy thing to explore. Clearly you are hurt by this experience and you need to deal with that as much as Cody does. Cody is getting support from you, and from SAA, and from professionals, so you should think about who is going to support you. Perhaps there is a trusted friend or family member you could confide in, with Cody’s blessing? Or if you find a support network online I’m sure that would be helpful too. You need to take care of yourself as well as Cody.

    I hope I haven’t overstepped the mark with anything I’ve said. I look forward to reading more about your journey and I think you are doing an amazing thing sticking with him.

    If you, or Cody, ever need someone to talk to who has gone through / is going through a similar thing, feel free to email me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This comment brought tears to my eyes with how much I appreciated this. Telling me that Cody is lucky to have someone like me supporting him was amazing to hear. It makes me feel much better about everything. Cody did find a therapist who is VERY well known in the community for helping with this addiction, and he is going to set up an appointment. I do know there are boundaries and Cody sees that too. I really don’t want to go to another SAA meeting only because even if I realize things in it, it is also so painful for me to hear. He knows that too which is great because he saw how hard it was for me to be there. I am trying to figure out who I can use as support but my main worry is that either they won’t understand (like my sister doesn’t) and say it’s not an addiction, or the person will think there’s something wrong with me sexually that led Cody to do this… Honestly thank you so much for the comment! It really made my day. 🙂 And thanks, I am sure I might email you or even have Cody email you if he needs to talk or has a question about recovery. Truly, thank you!

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      • I would say that SAA is probably not something you should try to use for your own journey. Go once, max twice, to show support for Cody, but then he should go alone, as you want him to be able to completely open up, which will be impossible when the person he’s hurting the most with this addiction is sitting right next to him.

        Telling other people is tough, and indeed scary as there is always the worry about how they might react, but in my experience and from what I’ve heard from others, these fears are usually in our heads and most people are really supportive. Still, you can’t un-say it, so make sure you trust that person and they are true friend.

        It is really great to hear about your story, thanks so much for sharing!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah I might go to a Saturday meeting with him just to see if Cody likes those better so we can choose a day that works for him. But I know that individual therapy and being not with your partner in a group setting like that will allow him to open up and talk. I do feel like he will talk if I’m not there. I am still trying to decide who to tell, I do want to make sure that they will be supportive and non judge mental. Thanks for commenting!

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