For the past couple of days, maybe a week or so, sex has been…difficult. I love Cody, and for me, sex is something that I use to feel closer to him through all this, but at the same time it can be triggering. It brings out all my insecurities.
Sex doesn’t suck because Cody is bad at sex, that is very far from the truth. He is great, and pleases me, even though he confessed to me he doesn’t think he can anymore. Sex sucks because all I can do is compare myself to porn stars in my head while I’m having sex to see if I am good enough. I don’t initiate anymore, and well…in the past I usually would have to initiate…which I hate. So now I’ll give hints that I want sex and Cody knows it and doesn’t do anything. He then confessed to me last night that he thinks that he will disappoint me. Lately he has been pretty quick to cumming, and I guess he feels bad because he will have to cum either before I’ve gotten there or it will be in the middle and he will have to pull out to finish himself. I get that he feels bad, but what’s worse is feeling unwanted.
I already feel unwanted. Obviously I feel that way since for a year he had his porn and his addiction wanted that more than me… at least that’s the way I view it. Cody says he loves me and wants me and all that, but I don’t fully feel it yet. I logically know he is saying the truth, but emotionally it’s still disconnected.
What’s worse is that I have it in my head that I have to do porn to be “worthy” of being wanted by Cody, which he has said many times to me is not what he wants. I just feel like I have to be porn, whether it’s posting sexy photos on Instagram or social media, or taking more sexy pics for just him…but I know that doesn’t work either. I’ve taken pictures of myself in lingerie and given them to him, that was part of his christmas gift. But that didn’t work. He explained it to me that Richard (his sex addiction) doesn’t think of girlfriends as porn, thus he would not use my photos in that way. I gave those to him to keep him from looking at other girls because I thought if he really needed to look and watch naked girls, then if I gave him some pictures of me (the person who he claims he wants to be with) then that would be sufficient. I guess that still hurts, knowing that I wasn’t enough in those photo’s. I know, I know, it’s his addiction and it has nothing to do with me, but I just am struggling so much with that idea.
Cody and I talked before he left for work because I felt shitty this morning because he was turned on and made me aware of it, and then I try to follow his lead and I hint that we could go to the shower and do stuff, but he was so tired he just passed out again. I was confused and annoyed and felt rejected. Why would he make me aware of his boner, make me feel it, and then just ignore that I said we could do stuff in the shower. I get it though, he is exhausted, which is fine. It’s the teasing that wasn’t. I’m extremely sensitive to any sexual rejection, and to me I felt rejected because I got on him and tried kissing him and stuff, and well…I failed at getting him to want to go to the shower with me. I told him that in the future I would appreciate that he doesn’t have to let me know he has a boner unless he actually wants to do something.
Today I am going to be reading the book called, Facing Heartbreak Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts and I am rewatching Dexter season 7 when Deb finds out about Dexter. I also wanted to watch another documentary on porn too. Idk, feeling overwhelmed.