Relapse?

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I haven’t posted in a while due to the crazy amount of things going on. Cody’s Facebook post has caused insane amounts of blacklash as I mentioned. Cody feels like he fucked everything up. I have been verbally put down (not to my face) by 8 people. His sister and brother have said negative things, along with 3-4 friends. Then this past weekend both his parents accused me of writing and posting his post! His dad said I’m asking too much from him. I was so hurt and felt so betrayed. How could they think so lowly of me? It makes no sense. Anyways, I’m going to post this letter I’ve written to read to them.

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(I plan to say this and wait for their response)

Im in more pain than anyone should be. I love Cody and want to marry him, but all of you are making me feel like i should leave.

(Then after I will tell them I want to explain my side)

Cody lied and cheated on me for 365+ days and i stay. I think that says alot about how much i care and love him. When i met him i told him that the only two things i ask kf a friend or a boyfriend is honesty ans trust. I told him i would rather have him be honest and hurt me than lie to me and humiliate me.

I told him before he asked me to be his girlfriend about my anorexia and the triggers that i could not have in a relationship. One of them being porn. I told him many times through out the relationship that if he didnt want to help me or deal with the anorexia that he could leave, and there would be no ill will.

During our relationship i caught him with saved naked images or instagram naked images for the first three months of the relationship and i cried and broke down and told him that it was hurting me and was hurting my recovery. He told me he hadnt done anything else. He told my multiple times that he got rid of porn instagram accounts and didnt. He lied and loed and manipulated me so he could keep his secret.

Last Christmas eve i found a porn site on his phone and i was destroyed because by this time he was earning my trust back, and all that was shattered. Then after that he again tried and was actually earning my trust back until a month later when i found more porn. This time i broke down so hard because the amount of betrayals was getting too much. He promised me i knew everything at that point and wouldnt do it again.

I stayed and helped him and he came to the realization that he had a real problem. We were getting better and then i see porn on his work computer. Porn on a computer at work where my parents are in the next room. I kept my cool because my dad walked in right after i found it. I searched through  little more history with Cody begging me not to go further. I went home and sobbed my eyes out. I felt devastated and worthless. This man i love has destroyed me more than i could have imagined.

Cody was very sweet when he came home. He had a bouquet of flowers and promised i knew everything and it wouldnt happen again.

The next day I couldnt fight off the feeling of not knowing everything. Cody was really anxious about me looking through the history so i decided to check the history. I looked at the history from the day he met me and i was horrified. The whole time he was lying and on porn sites behind my back. He had promised me i knew everything but i didn’t even know half of it.

That night Cody and i both broke down and he begged me to stay and i stayed. I was hurt, betrayed, lied to, cheated on for over a year, and i stayed. I stayed because i accelted he had an addiction and saw that he wanted to stop hurting himself and myself.

It has been rocky. Given that i gave him my all during this relationship and he has lied, we have come to an agreement on how to earn trust back. He needs to be in recovery and completely honest. Given the gas lighting i can check his phone so i know he isnt lying. Its been 5 months since i found out everything and i think we are doing pretty damn well.

I love Cody and would never want to hurt him. The things i ask of him are honesty, trust, respect, and for him to pull his half for chores and relationship responsability. If thats too much then i dont know what a relationship is, so please inform me.


 

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So that is my letter. I honestly am baffled at how they blame the lied to and cheated on instead of the liar. I love Cody and he has an addiction. Addictions make people different than the person they really are. Cody (without actively using) is an amazing loving person. Cody (when using) is selfish and self-centered. He is not the Cody I love. So when Cody was using during our WHOLE relationship and I found out, I was broken. I’m on RebootNation and it has been the most helpful supportive place. I’ve been able to express all my feelings about this situation and have been given a lot of support and kind words through this healing.

So with all that said, with all the hate, I have fallen back into my anorexia. All I ate yesterday were two chicken tenders and coffee. Some days I’ve had a little more, but not by much.

I’ve missed school, been depressed, and was suicidal sunday night. I love Cody and am SO proud of his post, but it’s brought up a lot and has had people attack me for no reason. My professors are very understanding, and encouraged me to seek treatment. I applied to a new treatment center and am waiting to hear back from them today.

XOXO Anna

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2 thoughts on “Relapse?

  1. I”m sorry to hear about the relapse, and about all the backlash. I”ve been worried about the lack of posts, and hoped it was just school. I’m sorry it wasn’t just school.

    Perhaps you should view it as a slip, and not a relapse. A slip says ‘oops, I’ve lost my balance for a moment, but I’ve got it again”. A relapse says “I’ve opted to forgo the path I know is good”. I hope you have only slipped, that you’ll get back on your healthier path, the one you know is good for you, and that Cody is able to stay strong in the face of attacks too.
    Isn’t it odd how doing better, doing good, gets attacked. Isn’t it sad too.
    Hang on sister. And have some lunch today 🙂 (attempt at upbeat ending on my part…hopefully!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I guess it’s a slip, but one that needs to be taken care of. I seem to be able to eat (with anxiety) when Cody is there, but if I’m alone I can’t eat. We actually spoke to his dad yesterday and it went AMAZING! I read him the letter and the dad apologized, thanked me for reading the letter and said he had no idea what I was going through or the extent of Cody’s behavior. When I said the part about Cody doing it at work, the dad said that was unfair to me (I got him the job at my parents, so that would make me look really bad).

      Liked by 1 person

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