Finals and Broken Trust

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School is making me feel like I am drowning. I honestly haven’t had time to sit down on my computer in what seems like weeks. The only reason I am on how is because I didn’t go to school today.

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Cody lied to me. Not about porn, but about something else that was small. But he lied. I am devastated. I am honestly feeling so low. I had a complete mental breakdown last night. I cried and screamed in pain for an hour…and Cody just sat and listened. I was glad he let me cry. But I was devastated because I actually started trusting him. He hasn’t lied up until this one. I told him once I found out everything that I rather him be honest and hurt me than lie to keep me happy.

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I have praised him every time that he has “screwed up” or faltered with little things I’ve asked because he told me right after. He was honest and that meant EVERYTHING. These things weren’t porn related but were things to build trust. I.e. tell me when you get to work and leave. Let me know what you search before you do it. Or ask if you can go on a certain site. etc.

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So last week sometime, possibly last monday, he searched a song on spotify. It was innocent, it was a song from sky fall. No bad cover or anything. But because he searched it, forgetting to ask or tell me, he decided to lie and not tell me. Of course, I went on his spotify yesterday and saw that. I asked him about it and he confessed.

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I was horrified BECAUSE HE LIED. I couldn’t care less about what he searched, it’s the fact that he lied about it.

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I am honestly destroyed and soul crushed right now. It’s been 6 months since I found out everything and now, once I’ve begun to trust him again, he lies, destroying the trust that took so long to be built. And this trust wasn’t full trust it was the first steps to bigger trusts. Like I trusted him not to act out if I am at treatment. Or I trust that he is where he says he is. Those were big steps for me to trust him.

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I personally wasn’t even sure if I was capable of trusting someone after betrayal because I’ve never done that before. So with him, I stayed and tried. I learned that I am capable of trusting again, to a degree. But I am just honestly shocked that he lied, and about something so small.

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He told me he was ashamed and embarrassed about searching it without asking and said that he didn’t want to lose all the progress he had made, and was ashamed that “something so small” could destroy all that.

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Personally I don’t think that him searching without asking destroys progress, I would have told him i would appreciate in the future if he asks or lets me know he is doing that, and tell him I am proud that he was honest. And the thing is this has happened before over the course of the six months. He has searched things without asking or letting me know, and then he would tell me, and I would be thankful he told me….which built trust.

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Now, he has lied. And I don’t know why… and I didn’t even go to school today because I got 3 hours of sleep. I was and am so distraught. I know that it could be worse, but I am in pain right now… and I am just trying to wrap my head around why, after we have been making so much progress together and individually, he would lie….

XOXO Anna

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5 thoughts on “Finals and Broken Trust

  1. Try reading Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff. It’s about marriage but relationships in general and it might help. It talks about two people who have had a decently happy marriage, but when you begin to read the perspectives of both of the partners, you realize how much the other does not know. At first, I was shocked and thought it was horrible to how many things they hid/lied but in the end I realized that some were not intentional and others were intentional but kept the peace and happiness. No matter how close you are to another and wish to be they also have a whole life we don’t know about because we can’t be with them 24/7. All we can do is love them, be their companion, and hope they respect us as we do them. In the end the couple was happy within all the stuff unsaid. Shouldn’t that be the most important?

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’ll give it a read. I guess for me, it’s the constant lying with his addiction that was the hardest part. And since he stopped using, and was being honest, it was such a shock that he lied after all the progress we were making. But I’ll definitely read that!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’d been wondering what happened to you. I was even thinking of emailing you if I didnt’ see a post by this weekend. So I’m glad you’re still around 🙂

    More thoughts later, after I’ve thought through some of my initial ones.

    Liked by 1 person

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