About To Find Out The Truth

tumblr_ns0s0obxmw1r5uoxco1_500

Cody and I agreed recovery would be number one. He is about to be put to the test. I have stopped parenting him and have realized that he is in charge of his own recovery and it’s not my place to decide things.

tumblr_nrxwhw5PHF1tq4of6o1_400

His dad invited us to go to a concert tomorrow night, which also happens to be the only night where there is an SAA meeting in our area, every thursday at 8:00 pm. I am very nervous to hear what Cody decides. Go see a band he saw four years ago and loved and has the chance to see again, or choose recovery… I can honestly tell you I have no idea what he is going to choose. Only time will tell. Has anyone else ever had a partner that was an addict (doesn’t matter what the addiction is) and had to step back and see if their partner was serious about recovery? And if so, how did you handle it if they chose something besides recovery? I just want to be prepared for whatever Cody chooses.

tumblr_mtfwifo4yD1sayodwo1_500

I don’t want to tell him to go to the SAA meeting because it doesn’t matter unless he chooses it. Recovery works only when the person needing recovery wants to recover. I can’t force recovery on him. I am nervous about his decision though. We agreed recovery would be number one, which again, I can’t trust that because it’s easy to agree to something when there’s nothing getting in the way of recovery. The true test is when you have to choose recovery over something you would rather do. That shows the seriousness and stuff. I mean, he said he would do anything to show me he is serious about recovery, and I know you can never trust an addict with his words, but with his actions… so I am nervous about finding out if I really do matter. I personally feel like if he meant he loved me and all the promises he has made he will choose recovery. In the end let’s think, is it worth going to a concert to lose the progress he has shown me he has made and show me what is serious in his life, or is it worth it to skip a concert of a band you’ve seen before and prove to your partner how serious you are about being in recovery and proving you love them?

tumblr_nesiztHcP11rhn1o8o1_500

For me, when I went to AA back in GA I knew the only way I was going to get better was to get distance from my friends and not party. It was extremely hard, I went through a phase of not having any friends because I just couldn’t be in that environment that they all loved. Eventually I got to a place where I could go to a party and either not drink or have just one, but it took a while to get there. I don’t know, I know Cody and I are two very different people, with different personalities. I am serious and determined and ambitious. Cody is a dreamer, lazy, and laid back. I can be lazy too, but when push comes to shove I step up. That’s where I think Cody and I are different. I don’t have much hope for Cody making his decision, really because it’s the first time he is being tested in his recovery…but I just am trying to prepare myself to be okay with whatever he decides…

XOXO Anna

Up and Down Cycle

tumblr_nsctxjw5Ax1uuvhcio1_250

I am fine one minute and then depressed the next when I think about Cody. I was babysitting today and when he got back to work he texted me (we switched phones, he has mine and I have his because Richard would never use my phone for porn) that when he got back to the office after lunch, that seeing my picture as my screen saver made him “think of you 😉 “…to me that was kinda nice and a turn on to hear, so I figured maybe take that and turn it into a sexy thing and build the anticipation until we get home and can have sex (or as Cody has been referring to it lately, making love). I replied, “Oh…did it now? ;P” he said, “yep” and I replied when he obviously didn’t get that I was trying to get some dirty sexy talk in, “What did it make you think about?” He replied, “You doing stuff to me, me doing stuff to you. Going from behind, stuff like that ;)”

tumblr_nbyyz2rYjR1twg6vao1_500

Sorry but that was the lamest dirty talk ever. A turn off, not a turn on. Ever since then (which was around 3 pm) I’ve been a bit on the low end. Either Cody knows nothing of what he personally likes or turns him on sexually (which isn’t fully the case) or I felt like Richard came in and got in the way of Cody and I trying to bond and get back to a good place. I’ve had sexier dirty talk from tinder guys… I don’t know. I feel stupid and sad. I think about the past year and all the stuff I’ve done compared to him and fuck. I’ve spent so much money, put so much time and effort into making sure he was happy, and the whole time he was being selfish and stuck in his own addiction (which he didn’t realize was an addiction).

tumblr_n1x85hTt161qczcixo1_500

I had the urge to drink on the way home and wanted to stop by our favorite bar, but I knew I had to go get pet food and litter, which by the way, I pay for. I have paid for most of Luvas and Emily’s things (vet and pet store). Derpy. Anyways, I got them their stuff, and I’m at home, not drinking. Blogging, and a bit down. I started over thinking on the way home too. I was thinking about how can I ever know if Cody is telling the truth…couldn’t he simply just go back to his addiction and erase the history? Again, over thinking, but then that made me depressed, and that made me want to be dressed all sexy and go to a bar and talk to other guys, dance, get wild and crazy and forget. See what else is out there. But in reality nothing better is probably out there. I rather stay with Cody and suffer as we get through this problem then go with some new guy and have that new guy hurt me a million times more.

tumblr_o2crizvYd51uw8pwzo1_500

Fucking A…I hate emotions.

XOXO Anna

Cody’s Recovery…Day 7

tumblr_nrtercyf4W1r5uoxco1_500

Yesterday we went to that AA meeting and it helped Cody a lot. It even helped me. Though we went to a car after to get drinks, I know, it was strange. Cody told me that if he was ever seen by an AA member drinking he would confess to them that his addiction is porn and that he goes to the meetings because they help him and there are no s-anon meetings in our area. I on the other hand drank two prosecco’s and got tipsy/drunk. Cody wasn’t happy, nor was I. Didn’t mean for that to happen. Not sure if we are going to AA later today or not, but I think I should if I can. Cody and I agreed that he and I will go together 3 times a week, plus our once a week couples therapy, and then after we go to the Ohio wedding at the end of the month we will get him an individual therapist.

tumblr_ns0s0obxmw1r5uoxco1_500

Cody so far has been honest with me, shown that he does want to get better, and hasn’t fought me on the recovery plan. So far things are looking good. I pray they stay that way…

XOXO Anna

Cody’s Recovery…Day 6

tumblr_n7cujrgOsw1smcbm7o1_500

It’s been one hell of a roller coaster of emotions for both Cody and myself. I think I’ve cried about his porn addiction maybe three times since I’ve found out, not including the breakdown of finding out. When I say I’ve cried I don’t mean a full on cry more like me feeling the pain and some tears falling out and trying to talk to Cody about it.

tumblr_o3dkl7FN4X1uv46wpo1_500

That is something that has definitely improved though since we outed Richard (or Dick-Cody’s addiction). Our communication has been great. Cody has no trouble opening up to me anymore, and honestly we are on the same page so much that if I am thinking something he says it aloud and vice versa. It’s been kind of crazy how much we’ve been doing that since everything has been out in the open.

tumblr_nh8857vkqM1twyshko1_500

Today I am going into work at my parents office a little late so I can try to see how much I can tolerate before having too much anxiety take over due to separation. If you’ve read my blog, you will know I do somewhat suffer from separation anxiety, and with discovering Cody’s porn addiction, I have anxiety when he is in a different room than me if I realize I left his phone in that room.

tumblr_nzdrhuV4oQ1uy399ao1_500

It’s going to be a long journey to get to a place where I can trust Cody and know his addiction (Richard) will not come up and get in the way of our relationship. The one thing that sucks is that my anorexia (Ed) feeds off of Richard, no pun intended. Yesterday a porn account followed me on Instagram and it brought up a lot of old emotions, and then remembering that Cody had an addiction the whole time just made me in a very sad mood. Ed fed off of my pain and made me think that Cody never wanted me and only wants porn. Of course I told Cody and we talked and he helped me fight off Eds thoughts.

tumblr_nlolnjacrp1qj4315o1_500

So it’s not only going to be a challenge for me to help Cody stay “sober” it will also take a lot of energy for me to fight off Ed and the irrational thoughts that he tells me. This morning for instance, as I write this, I can hear Ed whispering in the back of my head that if I don’t eat breakfast the anxiety will be less. That might be true, but I know I am hungry and plan on eating before I leave to go to the office.

tumblr_nxm9vpAZ081uhmuomo1_500

I also didn’t lose my job! I am working two days this week, maybe more, not sure yet. I explained to the mom that a family member has an illness that we didn’t realize the extent of and that we’ve been having to take care of them. Because her own mother just passed, she was very understanding.

tumblr_nrxwhw5PHF1tq4of6o1_400

After work today Cody and I will go to his first AA meeting because there are no S-anon meetings around us except for one that is a 40 minute drive, which we agreed to do once a month on a day that worked. Cody told me is doesn’t want to go to the meeting later, not because he doesn’t want to get better, but more so of he is nervous and probably just doesn’t want to face his addiction. I told him that when I went to my first AA meeting I was terrified, and once I went I realized I wasn’t alone and found some really great people to talk to. I also found an Al-anon meeting for myself which is at 7:30 tonight and I am debating on going…but again, the anxiety of leaving Cody alone makes me hesitant.

tumblr_nb6127Uv1C1t37guro1_500

If anyone who is reading this has any experience being the partner of an addict, in whatever form the addiction may be, can I ask, how did you get through it? I think back to when I really struggled with my anorexia and I think to now and how far I’ve come, but I didn’t have a partner during the worst of it. I remember my own recovery and see my recovery in Cody in the steps he has taken so far, which makes me proud. Then there are moments when I think about it, think about the fact that he lied for our whole relationship about this and it gets me really down. I fight off the sadness by reminding myself it’s an addiction, and addictions are hard to control and always secretive… I just… I guess I do need support or advice for myself…

XOXO Anna

Talked

valentine-silhouette-clipart-1.jpg

I am calmer, and I wrote Cody a letter. Cody just left, and he came home for his lunch break and we talked. Cody mainly cried. He walked through the door with a bouquet of red and white roses (my favorite) and he didn’t even get a sentence out before he started crying and he pulled out replacement ring set for the one he got since the black was coming off, and we wanted them to stay nice for fancy occasions. I saw how upset he was and he admitted he had a problem and really wanted help this time. The “porn” he looked at wasn’t actual girls which I was thankful for but like star wars or animated stuff… which was strange to see and honestly obviously less threatening. But still doesn’t make up for him lying.

tumblr_nrxwhw5PHF1tq4of6o1_400

One reader, Jeff, has commented on many of my posts and has given great advice and feedback, and I decided that Cody and I should go to an AA meeting since there is no S-Anon meetings in our area. I told Cody that when he said alcohol at the meetings he would in his head be saying porn. I think it might help him to go and talk and it will help me too. My drinking has honestly been really good lately, I haven’t even wanted alcohol for the past couple weeks. I rather have tea or coffee.

But I’ll post the letter I wrote to Cody just so you guys understand what was said from my half.

Dear Jerk, oh whoops, I meant Cody,

So much for you being different than the other shitty guys I’ve had. I really thought you were different. My bad. Maybe I was too naive and hopeful, thinking I could get a happy ending. Let’s be real, my life was shit, it’s shit now, and my future will be shit as well. Doesn’t matter if I stay with you or find someone else, it’s still shit. See this is why I was going to have my life with me, my child, and my dog all alone. No one could hurt me then. If my life got fucked it was because of me. Not because of some random asshole who comes into my life and tears it a part.

Sorry, had to get that anger out. Anyways, back to the real point. You are a liar. The one thing I don’t tolerate and the thing I hate. Fuck. That police class didn’t do shit. I couldn’t fucking tell that you were lying to me for a month. Guess it’s a good thing I’m not going to be a police officer.

I think the worst part is you were actually convincing me to trust you again. Why do you think I still jump on you every time something happens? It’s because deep down I figured it would happen and if I jumped on you enough then maybe it wouldn’t happen. Maybe, just maybe, you would care. You wouldn’t be selfish. You would actually care about me. Care about my feelings. Care that when you look up porn it literally shreds my heart into a million pieces that I then have to pick up and tape back together. I still only had maybe half of my heart rebuilt. Now my heart is completely re-torn apart and the pieces that were already torn apart aren’t even salvageable anymore it seems.

Why. Why oh why oh why do you lie? Do you like hurting me? Are you secretly another sociopath that loves to reek havoc in my life? Are you a wolf in sheeps clothing? Have I been deceived for a whole year? Or is this just you being a generic asshole of a guy who is too selfish to care about anything but his own needs and feelings? To me, right now, you are looking pretty damn bad to me. You’re lucky we’ve had so many good times or I’d be gone right now, hell I would have been gone after the first time.

Why do I stay with you you asked at work? I stay because real relationships are not perfect and you don’t bail on those you love, you don’t bail on family. Sadly that’s what I’ve come to think of you as. Family. Which makes this all the more painful. I rather have those asshole guys from Savannah hurt me again because it wouldn’t be half as bad as the way you’ve made me feel when you betray me with lie after lie. You know Rachael told me I should leave you. I told her I couldn’t. She said I could and I wasn’t trapped. It’s true though. I could leave right now, and never turn back, start fucking any guy who shows interest and go on the path I was going on before I met you. But you see that doesn’t seem right.

Cody, we have built a life together. A life together. I would never risk losing it, yet here you are, a year in and still willing to risk everything…for what? For what, Cody? For some fake chick with huge tits and a big ass? Do you see why I continue to want surgery? Do you see why I continue to be with Ed. Ed is safer than you. That’s what I feel. That’s why I haven’t given Ed up. He keeps me from being with someone who will hurt me. Who does hurt me. Ed can be irrational, and very stupid, but at the end of the day he looks out for me and protects me from getting too close and getting hurt. That’s why he hates you. He hates you because you hurt me. He hates you because you’re trying to take him away from me. He doesn’t like that you’ve hurt me, and is trying to save me from a life I will regret. That is why Ed is still here.

Cody, I love you, I do. It’s just so simple. You don’t love me. You don’t even care about me. I feel so stupid and blind. I’ve spent at least $1,000 on you, and I do everything I can to make you happy. Yet here you are, forgetting about me, forgetting promises, forgetting presents for anniversaries, forgetting to have foreplay, and it goes on and on. I think you’re actually quite selfish. I think you’re a nice guy, to a degree, but you are selfish and that is one of your worst qualities. If we are ever going to make this work, you need to stop being selfish and be honest.

Do you see why I haven’t believed you when you say we’ve made progress, or we’ve come so far, or you love me, or things are different. Things aren’t different. We are back in January and December. We just lost all that progress we, or I, worked for. Yes I. I worked for us. You didn’t. You’re complacent. Or, you just think you can get away with treating me like crap because I’m nice and won’t leave. Well Cody, let me tell you this, I will leave. I will leave you if you lie to me again. I don’t want to. It will kill me to leave you and the life we’ve built. You’re not only killing me, but hurting Luvas, and now our baby Emily. She loves you so much and now… if you lie again you lose us all. You’ll never see us again. So if porn is worth more than three lives… well then that answers that. We mean nothing to you. That’s how I feel right now. I feel meaningless and worthless. I feel stupid. I feel angry. I feel like I want to get you back. I want to cheat or cut or burn or drink. But I’m better than that. I will stay strong because I am just that good. I care about myself and I care about our babies. I won’t let them have two parents that fail them. I will be strong and I will be great. I am great. Hell you are god damn lucky to have me. You’re also lucky I gave you so many chances. Cody, you’re not a cat and you don’t have nine lives. You’re running out of chances.

There are options right now.

  1. We go to therapy and continue living together and working on trust.
  2. I leave and go to my parents for the next two weeks and we go to therapy and we continue to trust each other.
  3. The one I really don’t want to do, which is breakup.

So I really want you to think. You need to think about whether you love me. Whether you want me. Whether you want a serious relationship. Whether you’re ready for a serious relationship. Because Cody I deserve much better than this. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be loved and cared about. Do you want to be the single guy who tries to hit every girl. If that’s what you want let me know, we can live here in our apartment and we can move your shitty mattress from your dad’s and you can have the living room and I’ll take the bed room and we will live civilly together but single since we are locked in this lease.

So Cody, you have some thinking to do. I hope you’ll let me know if you want to be with me or if you love me, or if you’ve been playing me the whole time. All I want at this point is some honesty and if you can’t give me that then it’s obvious that we’re done.

tumblr_o1fafdceJ01rydd85o1_500

Cody, before I read this letter, was crying and was very upset. Once I read the letter he went numb. I told him obviously feelings from when I wrote the letter changed but I wanted to read it to him so he knew how hurt I was and would be if this kept happening with no effort to change or be honest with me.

tumblr_nlolnjacrp1qj4315o1_500

tumblr_o3m9742KwF1tjnx8lo1_500

Out of the three options obviously Cody wants number one. I was thinking about number 2 because in my head number 3 isn’t an option. I believe that Cody and I have worked too hard to give up on us. Plus, if we were married what would we do? Divorce? No. So I am treating this relationship seriously because it is a serious relationship. If Cody was just a fling I would have left ages ago but Cody isn’t just a fling. He is the one and will always be the one. Plus I know addiction. I burned myself only once before our friend called me and talked to me after I texted her what happened. Addiction is strong and honestly I know that giving up and walking away from someone with an addiction is the worst thing you can do. That’s another reason why I am staying, because you need a support system with addictions, and it’s not like Cody has told his friends he has an addiction to porn, nor would they understand. His guy friends would say it’s not a problem and that it’s fine.

tumblr_nt2u3r6eoR1uxwdv0o1_400

But after reading the letter I got Cody to talk to me a bit and then he started crying again and wouldn’t let me hug him or touch him because he thought he didn’t deserve it. I told him that was nonsense and hugged him. I told him that he should say out loud any thought that crossed his mind while he was crying and when he spoke I was shocked.

tumblr_nnab8hqfX31u8hb0vo1_500

He really hasn’t forgiven himself for any of the missteps or incidents and he is very unforgiving on himself for any hurt he has caused me. He said some things that were very sad for me to hear, because I hated hearing him so depressed and hating on himself. I know everyone makes mistakes and that addictions are hard to get through, and I know what he is feeling because I’ve been there. He reminded me so much of myself a couple years ago when I was crying because I hurt someone because of my addiction. Of course I didn’t have anyone who really stuck around and helped me through it, which made my addiction so much worse. It was only when I was about to lose someone from my addiction that I got help and changed everything, so I’m hoping that Cody is going to do the same.

XOXO Anna

3 Year Anniversary

tumblr_myukpbFU5f1t37guro1_500

Two nights ago I drank a lot and was black out drunk. I was really down, like suicidal down. I was thinking about Peter, and that just got to me. Cody told me not to keep drinking but I didn’t listen. I regret it because Cody filled me in on all the blanks and it wasn’t good. Apparently I grabbed a kitchen knife, threatening to cut. But that’s what I wanted before I drank, I wanted to cut or do worse. I also, when completely intoxicated, ask for sex and say that “I’ll do whatever you want.” I only know this because Cody videoed some of it. He videoed me because he wanted for me to know what it was like when I got drunk and had flashbacks and stuff. It was very rough to watch. I told Cody to delete the video. He did. I didn’t go to school today. Since two nights ago I’ve been incredibly down. I think, or I know, that I am going to go back to AA for a bit so I can remind myself why drinking doesn’t solve anything. Peter sexually assaulted me on February 26th and it was a tuesday night. So, though the date anniversary is friday, to me it’s today. Cody and I are going to cuddle and watch TV when he gets home and have a relaxing night, and on wednesday he said he would go with me to an AA meeting because I am too scared to go on my own. How did I get so lucky to find a guy who not only takes care of me when drunk and doesn’t do anything sexual to me, but will go to an AA meeting, or goes to eating disorder treatment with me? Again, he is a unicorn, and I am damn lucky to have him.

XOXO Anna

Blackout Drunk

tumblr_nywd6iAZ5A1rg5e4mo1_400

I got blackout drunk last night and I am very upset at myself. I felt invisible with Cody and his friend and let them have their night, but Owen stuff was coming up for me since I was raped last year on the 18th.Cody filled me in this morning on what happened last night. Once his friend went home he came to check on me and I started breaking down crying. I also after that apparently wanted sex. He of course didn’t have sex with me. I remember that. I also told him to leave me. The truth is I have been trying to push him away, since last week. I have been doing that because I felt like pushing him away during my trauma stuff would be better, that way he didn’t have to deal with it. But as Cody has told me a million times, he wants to help me and be there for me.

tumblr_mzs0b7pBvh1rvq9xoo1_500

I apologized for getting drunk, and for trying to push him away. He said he understood and wasn’t mad at me. He said he just wanted to help. Jeez, he is seriously so good. I honestly don’t understand how he can love me so much…through it all. It’s pretty amazing though. I feel extremely lucky to be with him.

tumblr_n7mcohFRGk1tryedao1_500

Tonight is date night. We are going to this movie theatre where you can bring your own alcohol. I am not drinking, but he will be. You can even have ice cream at this theatre. And they have reclining chairs. It’s going to be a fun night.

XOXO Anna

Drunk and Hurt

tumblr_n9qcxarnGE1rlnbkeo1_250

tumblr_muu0ctUjXs1swfctgo1_250

So I am drunk. I know I said I got through Monsters anniversary… but I saw Ethan wish Monster a happy birthday on the 10th. It really hurt me beyond belief. I wrote out a note to get out my feelings. Part of me wants to post it and part of me is hesitant. I am not sure what I’m going to do, but I want to be understood. I want someone to understand the pain that Ethan has caused by staying by my rapists side.

XOXO Anna

Suicide Medicine

I found that song on my sister’s computer and now it’s one of my songs I listen to when depressed.

tumblr_nqkc3odEAO1u1b4vlo1_500

I am low. I cut again tonight. I snuck into my dads bag and found a sewing kit and found a safety pin. I took that into my shower and I tried cutting over my XO but since I fucked it up the other night I just couldn’t get it right and it just hurt too much before I drew any little amount of blood so I gave up. Also Cody asked to Skype and I told him, and he let me go to finish cutting while he skyped his friend while gaming or something.

I tried to go over my XO but it just was getting me more frustrated and wasn’t serving my need. I ended up going below my tattoo on my wrist and starting a new, smaller, XO. I got that right and got to see minimal blood. Scratching yourself with a safety pin and making an XO is actually time consuming. It takes time to scratch in an XO. Maybe my sister and other cutters have it right with using razor blades so it’s quick. I just can’t use anything too sharp for fear of doing real damage. I rather be in as much control with my self harm as I can. I don’t want to go deep and I don’t want to kill myself, or have that risk while self-harming.

tumblr_newatwWtwT1sbxkwko1_500

I like being in control and just scratching to the point where blood is starting. Then I stop. Though I’ll admit I had a hard time stopping tonight. I got to where I wanted. A new XO is on my wrist. It had it’s minimal blood showing but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t get further with that though, so I cut lines under it because all the other space on my arm between the top XO and the bottom XO was taken.

tumblr_njy3ul4wLe1re7kzxo1_500

I lied to my parents tonight. My dad had to come into the bathroom once and I said I was relaxing. My mom came in to brush her teeth and asked if I was self-harming and I said no, just taking a bath. I haven’t self-harmed, and lied about it in what seems like ages.

tumblr_mnboipO5Cf1rf6k3to1_500

Today would have marked seven months clean of self-harming. Also my three month anniversary with Cody also marks my one year since I stopped getting drunk. AA back in GA called me today asking if I still went and if they were going to need to make my one year chip with my name on it, but I told them I moved out of GA. You guys have no idea how much I wish I could be getting that chip. I honestly haven’t lost myself in drinking since I went to AA. I mean I’ve definitely drank and gotten drunk, but I haven’t been as bad as I was before AA. I mean, I used to get drunk every thursday, friday, and saturday night back in my fall quarter in my sophomore year. Until I got with Monster. Eric and Ethan made sure I didn’t keep drinking.

tumblr_nf7ileJNQQ1teiswao1_500

But I hate how much has changed. So much is going on. With my sister running away, and staying here and not coming home with us, it kills me. It kills me to know what she went through, the pain she is suffering, and what she is or was doing to herself. But hey, I self harmed the other day and today so I can’t judge, but then again my self harm is quite minimal compared to others.

tumblr_n1vs6gSqIM1s9prw9o5_250

I know I haven’t told you all about what’s going on with my sister and my family and the situation we are in, and I can’t reveal that until maybe another day or two, but it is a very difficult situation. I cried when I had to say goodbye to her today.

tumblr_n9qcxarnGE1rlnbkeo1_250

Hell we had dinner with her and the people she was staying with and at the end I excused myself to get some air and the thought of running away or just walking into traffic crossed my mind. And when my and my mom and dad went to a bar after that thought of walking into traffic plagued my mind.

tumblr_nm638jlghe1u70q2yo1_500

So I did the lesser of two evils. I cut. But that doesn’t mean that suicide has left my mind. I know I’m writing about it and I am sorry if it worries anyone. I have said it in past posts that I would never commit suicide, but I do need to talk about it. I need to say that I am suffering right now. I am going through a lot and so many things are going on and I am not sure how I am going to get through it all.

tumblr_no2h9ro65F1s9rs2wo2_500

  1. My sister ran away, wrote of suicide, admitted to something I can’t reveal, and self harms and my family is completely helpless and can’t do anything about it because she is 18.
  2. It’s that time of year. Eric and I were together last year around this time. I also reported Monster just about now last year. Eric dumped me and I dealt with Monster getting away with rape by myself.
  3. November 7th will be coming up, which is the anniversary of Monster raping me.
  4. I am not going to school this semester because of my sister. School was the only thing that was making things better and keeping me grounded and made me have a purpose. I was heading towards my goals and now I am stuck with nothing. I feel useless and purposeless.

tumblr_nesj0v4u4j1rhn1o8o1_500

So things aren’t looking too good right now. I mean, hey I’ll try to stay positive and not completely lose myself in a pit of depression and self hatred. I know I am not being super positive right now but I just have been so strong for everyone else while this whole situation has been going on, and seeing my sister is what made me crack, what made me brake.

tumblr_ndwgij92V81tq4of6o1_500

Also I know how stupid this is but Cody is playing games and wanted me to Skype with him and his friend he is playing with but why in the god fuck would I Skype with a stranger while I am this depressed and just self harmed? Like if anything I want to Skype with Cody just so I can talk to JUST HIM so I can not feel as bad as I am feeling now. I obviously suck at hinting over FB message that I … it doesn’t matter.

I am just so low so why bring anyone else down with me right? No Cody would absolutely hate me if I… but I can’t ruin his fun.

tumblr_nc5mh8q4ym1tq4of6o1_500

I feel like a loser and a failure and gross and meaningless and worthless and undeserving and fuck. I just have no self esteem right now. I have no motivation and I have no confidence what so fucking ever. I want to talk to someone. I want to reach out for help but I can’t. I have to be strong or appear strong for my parents. I don’t want to burden anyone either. I feel so bad right now. And I’ve been writing notes down on my phone of my feelings from the past couple days and fuck. I scare myself with what I feel. I haven’t felt this kind of depression in a while. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel so fucking bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to ask for help, or even deserve help even if I ask. Fuck I am back to where I was before college. Back to my secrecy and self hatred. Unless I get the courage to let someone know how I am truly feeling…

tumblr_npltnpJT621sasc57o1_500

tumblr_mvgl5lLCST1qb3dq0o4_250

tumblr_mj452hkHV91rng8zfo1_500

tumblr_mjewj5790S1rng8zfo1_500

tumblr_mw21zugHYm1s0krrio1_500

tumblr_ndhkqbexIk1u19673o1_500

tumblr_mjdiu2b4dX1qdgumpo1_500

XOXO Anna

One Day At A Time

tumblr_m9wns6JKBt1rq7lvzo1_500

I feel like I am on a tight rope, and I am trying to get across to the other side, but things keep coming up that make me lose my balance, and I almost fall. That’s how I feel. I feel like I am trying so hard to stay on track, but things are coming up and each one is like a gust of wind that makes me lose balance.

After Cody left for work my dad yelled at me about the kitchen. That really got to me. I mean, I was already having an emotional morning, fucking PMS, and yelling is really triggering I guess. I finished cleaning the kitchen and I went to my room and blasted sad music. Literally as the first tears began to fall, the cleaners got here. I get up, and decide I’m going to take a drive because the urge to self-harm is too intense.

tumblr_nf7ileJNQQ1teiswao1_500

I’m blasting sad music, and driving- at a safe speed. Just making that clear because I do have a tendency to speed when I am upset. I know that I want to go to a certain gas station that has those certain lighters…but this self harm mood wants safety pins. I drive and am coming up on CVS where I planned to stop and buy a pack. But, Cody works right across the street. As I am driving up I look across the street and see his car. I look back to CVS and I pass by it. I couldn’t do it. I freaking couldn’t do it.

I really was almost going to do it. I wanted to SO freaking badly. Damn addictions. If I’m not restricting, it turns into self-harm, and if not either of those two it’s drinking. So fuck. I am trying my best to eat and I haven’t drank in a week, so I assume that’s why the urge to self-harm has been SO freaking intense.

tumblr_mnboipO5Cf1rf6k3to1_500

The urge has passed, or is at least manageable. But I am seriously annoyed because of how close I came. I gave my lighters and safety pins to Quick Silver on Valentine’s day. I’ve gone six months without self-harming. I can keep going. I want to keep going. It’s just this thing with my sister is…it’s depressing my whole family.

tumblr_mzs59yUZYj1qb3dq0o6_250

Also, Serena texted me the other day asking if I could model for her. I said sure, and then she described what she wanted. She wants me in a “very very sheer dress” and wants me to wear a nude thong and no bra or a nude one and wants it to be at the train station downtown at either sunrise or sunset. That’s when I was like “uhhhhh” yeah no. I mean, I told her I would think about it, but I would rather wear something else. Cody was there when I got that text and he was not happy with it. So, see if I cut, then it would leave a mark, and then if I had to go over to see Serena and try on clothes, she would see it. I wouldn’t want her to see that. Though, she probably has seen my cuts before… don’t remember. But still, I don’t need anyone thinking I’m struggling. I also wouldn’t need Serena’s possible judgment.

There are many reasons I am staying strong and not self-harming.

 tumblr_mjpyqeqRHP1s8unaco1_250

  1. This one may be stupid, but how awesome would it be if I could say I gave up self-harming on Valentine’s day? Valentine’s is about celebrating love, so why can’t it be self-love?
  2. I know how disappointed Quick Silver would be.
  3. Cody. I know he would be upset. I don’t want to upset him. I also don’t want him to think less of me or badly of me or rethink being with me (and I know those are irrational thoughts but can’t help it)
  4. It’s been six months! I want to keep it up and say I’ve gone seven months, or eight months, or a year without it.

tumblr_nc5mh8q4ym1tq4of6o1_500

I am hoping the rest of my day gets better. I think the cleaners are gone now, which means my parents are supposed to be talking to my sister when they get back from lunch. I pray to the gods that goes well. I am going to make a snack or try to, or eat something… I am hungry. I mean, I honestly need to get better at meeting my exchanges. I am not doing it. I need to get better at it.

Hoping everyone else’s day is going better than mine!

XOXO Anna

Drinking, Feelings, and Relationships

tumblr_nn87tn9xVK1tv3dejo1_500

Yesterday was a very interesting day. I woke up with Cody and we went out to brunch. I knew there was nothing for me to eat there. I got a drink, as in alcoholic, and then another and had a bit of Cody’s friends salad.

We all then went to the bar Cody likes and I got two more drinks. One while Cody was there, and another when his friend took him to get his car. Not a good choice on my part with little food in my stomach. I don’t really remember leaving the bar. The fact that I drank so much that I don’t remember or that it is so fuzzy I need someone to tell me worried me.

So I have decided to cut back on drinking, like a lot. I’m going to see if I can find a good AA meeting around me. I really miss the ones back at my school in GA. They had a great one! I went on days I didn’t even have the urge to drink because the people were so friendly.

Last night when Cody was over I told him I was going to be cutting back and I would possibly need his help, especially if we are in that kind of environment where everyone is drinking. There’s a reason I had to give up the party life while I started going to AA. I honestly wasn’t ready to be around people drinking at that point because it was too tempting for me to drink.

I then was trying to figure out why I was drinking so much. Things are pretty good right now, so why the drinking? Well, I think a lot has to do with the little things just building up. For one, a new relationship. Being in a relationship can be stressful to anyone, but for me, because of my past it takes more adjusting. Then my sister hates me. My mom isn’t helping when it comes to my eating disorder. My dad was in the hospital. Also, I am trying my best to eat! That means I have taken away not eating as a coping skill. As they say you trade one addiction for another. I used to trade my anorexia for cutting or drinking. I can’t cut. So I guess I turned to drinking. Also, I am doing EMDR so that brings up a lot of crap.

Today I have a therapy session and I am going to ask if we can start up EMDR again. See, we do a couple EMDR sessions and then take a break for a couple sessions because of how intense it can get.

tumblr_nk0bt2HZQk1uo5qwxo1_500

But anyways! Last night Cody was freaking amazing. Like I was super stressing because my mom and I just talked and she said a comment about treatment and I was done. She was like, “I don’t care if you go back tomorrow or ever. You don’t need treatment. You use it as a crutch.” Sorry but …holy fucking crap. She is wrong. See, there are times I can handle it without treatment, but the thing is, once I stop eating for enough days, that’s when I need the help. If I catch it early, I can get back on track. But once it becomes a pattern or “normal” then I can’t get back to eating on my own. That’s what happened this time round.

I was trying to eat on my own, couldn’t. My sister and I started doing a meal plan thing, it was hard. I got eight days of following it, and then I started having a social life and my eating fell to shit. I needed Renfrew at that point because no amount of having someone sit me down to eat was going to make me eat.

tumblr_mbci6sXJiw1qcldlc

tumblr_m70jssYQu91qgxuf5o3_250

Anyways, so Cody was awesome, he gave me this fucking to die for back massage. It really relaxed me because I was so wound up. Like Jesus! So fucking amazing. Then Cody and I were talking more, and he was just telling me all the sweetest things. Like there was a point at which I was honestly speechless and had no idea what to say. He was saying things like how beautiful I am, and how pretty my face is and how there are just things I do that make me adorable. Like he says it’s the little things about me that he loves. Also! Oh my god, there are times when Cody and I are talking and he just says things in the most poetic way. I can’t even handle it. Last night he was explaining how again, I am separate from my problems. That he knows me, and when I’m breaking down, it’s not me. He said, “When I see you crying like that, it’s not Anna in front of me, and all I want to do is get Anna back.” I like died a little inside. It is also true. Now, if I ever breakdown or have a flashback I’ll be thinking about that comment.

Cody is one of the first people who actually seems to…I don’t know. Like, okay, here is how I can explain this. I have a healthy part of my mind, the logic side, and then I have the unhealthy part of my mind, which encompasses all my ED thoughts and other things. It’s as if Cody is like the logic side of my head if my logic were a human. I know that sounds really strange. But see, the things he says to me, I already know to some degree, and the fact that another person see’s that, makes me believe it more.

tumblr_npqyopbnE71skotc5o1_500

The things Cody says to me at times, and the way he explains things to me, makes so much sense. It’s like when he says it, I hear it and I understand it. It clicks. That really doesn’t happen to me. My dad is very logic and analytical and intellectual and I am sure my dad has said things that Cody has told me, but there’s a difference. My dad is family so I feel like it’s not as real when he says things that Cody’s told me. Also, my dad doesn’t explain it in the exact way that Cody does. See, Ethan and my dad have very similar logical minds, and they both would tell me the things Cody’s told me, but there was always something missing. You know what that was? Emotion. My dad and Ethan, when they would explain it, it was logical, detached. When Cody tells me these things, I see the emotion behind it. I also like the way he breaks it all down and explains it step by step. I’ve never met anyone like him.

Cody said there are times that I blow him away. I laughed. I honestly am not sure how I do that, but I’ll take it. I mean, he mentions my looks a lot, which is nice, but at the same time I’d like to hear more about how me as a person is what also makes him love me. I mean, he says, I love you for you and who you are.

I feel so lucky to have met Cody. Truly, lucky. I am very happy that I’ve met him. We, personality wise, get along very well, and that’s very important. I think part of why we get along well is because we are similar in many ways and we can see where each other is coming from when an issue comes up. It makes it easier to understand and reassure the other when that happens. I also love our differences too. It makes for a good balance.

In relationships there are stages. Because I’ve taken psychology and learned so much from my experiences in GA, I feel like I know a lot. I know what to possibly expect and can prepare myself. See, even from my past relationships I’ve learned a lot. Though I used to be very emotionally driven, throughout my experience I’ve become more logically driven, more like Ethan and my dad, but I haven’t lost the emotional side.

Cody says I am perfect for him. I like the way he phrases that because I am not perfect. Maybe for him, but I am not perfect for most people. I have my little quirks and character flaws like everyone else. That’s one thing that is important in a relationship, is to acknowledge the other person has flaws and is human. In the honeymoon stage everything seems perfect and like a dream. There’s a reason most relationships end after that stage. People often “wake up” and are shocked at who they’re in a relationship with. The things they thought were once cute, now annoy them. I’ve gotten only to stage two in relationships. Here, for those who don’t know them, I’ll list them.

  1. The Honeymoon stage (romantic, drug induced phase)
  2. The Power Struggle phase (where most couples breakup)
  3. The Stability Stage
  4. The Commitment Stage
  5. The Bliss/Co-creation Stage

tumblr_mnmwirj6W21qd0tcho1_500

I think I got to stage two with Ethan and Eric. Ethan and I only made it to stage two because of what happened with Peter. Ethan and I tried to overcome that. We maybe almost got to stage three, but ended up breaking up. Eric and I were just entering the power struggle phase when Eric bailed. I think he didn’t like that he didn’t have all the power.  See stage two is about compromise and understanding. That is key. It’s about understanding that there are going to be differences, and there are going to be things that come up, but you have to know which battle to fight and what to let go. I think that’s why Eric and I ended. He just figured things weren’t like they were, which was the honeymoon stage. He didn’t like that I was hanging out with guy friends and became more controlling. The thing is I was aware of what was happening, where he wasn’t. I think that’s what went wrong. The power struggle phase is difficult. It’s the stage where you feel betrayed because things aren’t like they were, or you think to yourself who is this person, or you want to run, etc. I knew it was stage two because I wanted to run. I knew I shouldn’t though, because I was aware of what was happening. It is a natural part of a relationship when you start to argue or things change. Change is inevitable. It’s the only way to move forward.

I am glad that Cody has actually had a longer term relationship than me, I feel like because he has that experience, it will be easier to navigate now. I mean, for me, knowing about the honeymoon stage and everything, I try my best to not be blindsided. I am trying to see Cody as a person with amazing traits and some flaws. I see both the good and bad. I accept both. It’s not even good or bad, it’s more like his strengths and weaknesses. Cody has so many strengths that I don’t have and that makes him extremely attractive to me. Like very fucking attractive. I like it when my partner has strengths where I myself am weak. It gives me the opportunity to learn from my partner, and I’ve mentioned before that I love learning from my partner.

tumblr_naea5riKuf1r13y9eo1_500

We do both have some similar weaknesses, such as our issues with jealousy. We both get jealous. But, seeing him get jealous, and me knowing there’s nothing to be jealous about, helps me with my own jealousy, because I realize that it’s the same situation for him. He may get jealous of one of my guy friends, but they are just my friends. So when I get jealous of one of his girl friends, I just think to myself they are the equivalent to one of my guy friends. It doesn’t always work, but for the most part it kills the jealousy.

tumblr_nnfobmFOtc1utyo96o1_500

But yeah, totally going all psych here today. I guess I really just want school to start. I am truly excited! I honestly can’t freaking wait! Hope everyone’s having a good day!

XOXO Anna

Movie Date, Family Drama, and Anorexia

I’m going to start off by discussing what happened during the day before Cody and I went out on a date. This could potentially be a longer post than normal. So for those of you who’ve read my past posts you know that my family right now is not at its best. My parents have their Dallas show coming up and my sister ….well no one knows why my sister is angry at all of us. Yes, all of us, not just me anymore.

Last night I thought we were all going to be having the family talk that has been needed. But mom got annoyed at me and dad and mom started fighting and mom said I was the reason my dad and her fought and I got in between them. That hurt. It also hurt that when talking about Cody and my past and everything she was like “we are the ones who have to pick up all the pieces” aka meaning I’m a burden. That just made me super angry. I also can’t stand yelling, hearing two people scream at each other makes me very nervous. I just grabbed my car keys and booked it out of the house and went to the graveyard near my house.

I am not sure if I’ve mentioned that I go to the graveyard when things get tough but I do. Most people go to church and pray to a God they believe in. I go to a graveyard and hope that their are lingering souls who’ve maybe gone through similar struggles. I go there, drive through the graveyard and talk. Yesterday I talked about all the stress I’m going through and I kinda cried at the graveyard. I haven’t gone there and cried in a long time.

tumblr_no2h9ro65F1s9rs2wo2_500

When I got home I sat down in the TV room with dad and we started talking and Cody came up and he misunderstood what I was saying and we got in a fight. I sadly have to say I was so overwhelmed I went to the fridge grabbed a tall glass and started pouring my dad’s vodka in it. Mom told me to stop and I yelled at her to back off and my dad yelled at me and then I said that I just wanted to drink myself to death and ran upstairs and put on my mad/sad/suicidal playlist and cried in my room.

You guys must be wondering why I was so emotional? Well, I had therapy yesterday and did EMDR on Owen. That was extremely painful. I cried throughout each set. I guess it wasn’t as bad as the first time I did EMDR for Owen, but damn. In therapy we talked about Cody too, and comparing how he treats me to all the over guys I’ve been with and how fucking different it is. I never really knew just how fucking controlling Eric was or how ridiculous some of the other guys behaviors until I saw what I was supposed to be treated like.

tumblr_lsglm4KpNZ1qc382yo1_500

Anyways, so my dad came upstairs and I turned my music off and I cried and tried explaining to him that I am making progress and it’s hard and it’s really hard when I am trying so hard and everyone is against it. My dad assured me I was loved, not a burden, and that I was strong. I know I’m strong. If you’ve been reading my posts for a while, you guys know the battles I’ve gone through.

So then I go out with Cody. We had a lot of fun watching Jurassic World. I liked the movie. Then we went back to his place and we made out and fooled around a bit and I went home. I was supposed to take my sister to her first photography class this morning but because she is so pissed at me and my dad she didn’t go. My dads mad because he, as he said, “just pissed away $380” on a summer class.

Then this morning I woke up and my mom called to let me know I’m going to the doctors today…meaning getting my blood drawn. I have to go alone which sucks but I’ll survive. Then later today we are going to be having that family talk so I’m really nervous about that. I don’t want to be verbally attacked. I hate fighting. I hate conflict. I do whatever I can to avoid it.

Looking at Body

Also I’ve been body checking like crazy. Like this morning before going into the shower I looked in the mirror, examining myself trying to see any change. Of course I see one. A “good” one. I know how bad anorexia is. I know that I’ve ben strong with it and have done my best to keep eating but damn! Because I have been really actually legitimately restricting for the past week or so, I feel like I can’t stop. I know not eating is not the solution to numb out all the crazy emotions going on right now, and nor is drinking or any other bad behavior, but not eating just feels so good.

tumblr_n6ho59jGd81ts4xrso1_500

It’s funny though, just a couple days ago I told my mom that it had been so long since I’ve been really into my anorexia that I couldn’t remember how I originally did it because it really sucked. At first I was nauseous, and now, I am sitting here writing this post, knowing I’m hungry. I’m not nauseous and I know I should eat, but because I’ve gotten used to not eating it is like ten times harder to kick my ass and get food.

Confession, I miss being able to see my ribs stick out, my pelvis bones stick out, and just having my stomach be “inverted” as Ethan and Serena have told me at times. I just told Serena I was going back and she was like, “fun”. Jesus, I don’t know what’s going on between us but we still are not okay. Like dammit! Whatever, we will solve it…eventually.

tumblr_neop03JBJ51s6hha7o1_500

Praying that everything works itself out!

XOXO Anna

A PTSD Day

tumblr_ngzfhz5HMj1u0nn1fo1_500

I woke up this morning from a bad dream with Owen in it. It really got me down all day. I did go to my Acting class. We watched our comedy scenes. I then went to the crisis center. I then got my computer fixed, and then watched TV and then this evening went to AA.

Earlier today, I got a text from Ethan asking to hang. I told him that I was too busy today. I’m shocked he even reached out. I’m a little impressed- which is sad to say, but yeah.

Strange day…

XOXO Anna

My Journey Thus Far… (summary)

I have had so many memories at my current college. Good and bad. Happy and sad. Exciting and boring.

tumblr_mtwq9eruxv1rz1tv9o1_500

First going off to college I was a nervous wreck. I couldn’t eat for the first month, and not because of the eating disorder. It was simply because I was so nervous that I felt like I was going to be sick if I tried to really actually eat. My freshman year I had my roommate who was also my best friend leave second quarter. I had to move into a new room with new roommates and they didn’t really like me. It sucked. But I met Ethan and we got together and I spent a lot of time with him.

tumblr_nbfrsrSpYX1tq4of6o1_500We had so many good memories. I got Ethan into my friend group. We played soccer, and had 4 AM philosophical talks. We went to movies, and I met Ethan’s group of friends too. Everything was pretty great. I mean, it was both of our first relationships, so there were all those awkward moments of not knowing what to do. Then I got sexually assaulted by my classmate Peter. My anorexia got bad after that, and so did my relationship with Ethan.

tumblr_nesj0v4u4j1rhn1o8o1_500Ethan and I broke up at the end of freshman year. It was really hard on me. He was my first love, the person I would remember for my life. The person I would inevitably compare every other guy to. He set a lot of the standards I have. If I see a guy, and he does not live up to the positive qualities I admired in Ethan, then I get a bit turned off. But if the guy has the qualities that Ethan lacked, that I needed, then it gives them brownie points.

tumblr_nesfgbMzlK1u2hfx2o1_500

It’s true, there is a difference between the right love and a great love. Ethan was not the right love but a great one. He was and forever will be in my thoughts. When I think of love, I will think back to those moments. I still do think back to the moments when I knew I loved Ethan to figure out if I love another guy. I am still looking for that right love, and it will come with time. Monster was the second guy and last guy I’ve fallen in love with. I never told Monster I fell in love with him, but I felt safe saying I did here.

tumblr_nel912E1aT1tyfq97o1_500

Chuck said it best. The world really is a screwed up place. Monster ended up raping me. That act shattered my world and sense of trust. For a while I doubted even Ethan and Eric, who were my best friends at the time. It took me months to admit what happened to me. I didn’t want to think of Monster in that way, because I loved him. In hindsight, he has made me a stronger person. I personally believe everything happens for a reason, and you can learn something from every experience you encounter if you are open to learning.

tumblr_mw123mPGy01qf9mevo1_500

After Monster and going into treatment for my eating disorder in the winter of my sophomore year of college, I was very cynical and jaded towards love and men in general. I felt disgusted and fear every time I saw a man. In fact, after I admitted to myself that Monster raped me, I was suicidal. It was the only time I was actually going to go take pills to end it all before Ethan skyped me, essentially saving me. It took me a long time to have any sort of crush on a guy. But I did! While in treatment, I went to Barnes & Noble often because I felt safe there and comforted. There was this barista who worked the Starbucks in the shop. He was the first guy I found attractive and talked to often after the rape.

tumblr_n4js3zN7RU1r62mtoo1_500

When I got back for my spring quarter after treatment I was doing a lot better. I actually ended up getting a christian boyfriend. We will call him Captain America. He was sweet and innocent and exactly what I needed. He learned a lot from me and we had a really sweet time together. Though when summer came we fell a part and broke up. It hit me hard and I went back to treatment for my anorexia because I started to stop eating again. tumblr_nesgcgeoNQ1u2hfx2o1_500

Eric and I started hanging out right as I got into treatment. It was hard to be back in treatment. I wasn’t happy about it. Eric helped me though, and we started to fool around and became girlfriend and boyfriend. Eric was safe, someone secure. He and I were so close before we got together and when we were together it was the best. It was definitely the healthiest relationship I had been in up to that point. That is until I decided to report Monster. Our relationship began to falter during that and coming back to school for our junior year. We broke up and he never really spoke to me again.tumblr_nes94rptae1s6hha7o1_500

Losing Eric as a friend killed me. I didn’t truly care about the breakup, yeah it hurt, but not as much as him dumping me as a friend. Nothing compares to the pain of losing your best friend, someone you considered family. Ethan also wasn’t much help during this period because this is when he asked me if Monster really raped me, creating a fissure in our friendship. Though before Eric stopped talking to me he did get me to go to AA which saved me.

tumblr_nep9pzDpaZ1tg1n4to1_500

After losing my two best friends things were pretty rough. I couldn’t understand why Eric and Ethan abandoned me. It killed me. And losing them meant I lost all my other friends. I was completely alone for a while. I did meet Owen, and we dated. I also met Quick Silver and Andy that quarter and we became friends too. Though, Andy and I ended up sleeping together one night when I got a concussion at a punk concert.

tumblr_neop03JBJ51s6hha7o1_500

I had no one to talk to that quarter besides therapists. I think I called my sister almost every day that quarter. I however devoted myself to my work. I did everything I could to stay busy and forget that I was in the middle of an investigation and that I’d lost my two best friends.

tumblr_neoov9gCP71s6hha7o1_500

That quarter in the end, I did know how to be alone and enjoy it. I had movie nights with myself, or stayed in and read a good book. I wrote in my journal, I wrote on this blog. I did whatever I could to keep my head above the water and be okay.

tumblr_nem1hvs3gN1twuv7fo1_500

After losing Eric, my sense of trust had vanished. Knowing Quick Silver and Andy and hanging out with them didn’t make me trust them at all. Being with Owen and dating him, I didn’t truly trust him, hence why I didn’t get in a relationship with him. I wasn’t ready at that point in time. Winter break came and I didn’t really talk to anyone from school. I didn’t text Owen much, trying to give him space, plus he said we were just friends before I left…So I went out with this guy Shaggy and that was a whole mess of a mistake! tumblr_nesezjXNsU1u2hfx2o1_500

It really did feel as though I couldn’t do anything right. I couldn’t get romance right. I couldn’t get a job. I couldn’t really socialize over break. All I did was write and become introverted and more cynical and detached.tumblr_nes9cdA8xh1s6hha7o1_500

Before winter break happened, at the end of fall quarter Ethan got in a relationship. That was hard. I had met his girlfriend and to be honest I wasn’t a fan. Not because she was his object of desire, but I just didn’t like her personality and didn’t see them lasting. But during winter quarter it was hard knowing that Ethan had lost his virginity to her. Did he love her? Did he not love me? Those were the questions going in my head. He had rejected me for sex when we were together and that confused me to no end while we were together.tumblr_neopwhNHnY1svy70xo1_500

Truth be told I missed Ethan and Eric during this winter quarter. It was hard as hell. But Quick Silver and Andy were amazing. Owen raped me at the beginning of this quarter and I haven’t been the same since. I was and sometimes am suicidal. I breakdown all the time. I am scared all the time. I began to isolate. But Quick Silver and Andy were there through it all, not giving up on me, and showing me they care about me and would do what it takes to keep me alive in those dark times. Quick Silver once stayed the night to make sure I was going to be okay. That is true and real friendship and dedication. Quick Silver even got me to delete Eric and Ethan from my life.

tumblr_neqljigLHa1s2db3co1_500tumblr_neqilsMRO71s9fb0co1_500tumblr_neqgm88uGB1s0ti8uo1_500Though, it’s hard to truly delete someone from your life these days with social media. To this day social media has kept me connected to Ethan and Eric. Part of me is wondering about just deleting them from EVERYTHING- including Facebook. tumblr_nedsrcFLAE1qjzvcco1_500tumblr_mpzsroHGu21qi3w4eo4_r2_500

It’s truly sad to think that at the beginning of this quarter I tried talking to Ethan to repair our friendship yet he still remained indifferent. But he is living in denial. Denial that his friend could rape someone. Ethan isn’t ready to see the truth and admit it happened and that people you know are capable of doing such things. Ethan and I can never be friends until he can admit to himself this stuff. tumblr_ndeb9l8tRx1tcpj6do1_500

I started watching Onision video’s again, some of my favorites when my eating started to get bad again or I felt like no one would understand or be compassionate when I would tell them I was raped again. But Quick Silver, Andy and Ramone were great. Quick Silver got me through the first week after it happened and Ramone went with me to report it.

 tumblr_mj65jgcKOA1qe52v7o1_1280It was extremely hard for me to ask for Quick Silver and Andy’s help through out this winter quarter. I felt like such a burden every time I broke down. It was so hard for me to reach out and admit I needed help and support. But I did, and I am thankful because in doing so, I learned that Quick Silver and Andy really are my friends. There was even a moment when I broke down, and Quick Silver was holding me, I swear he was going to kiss me. It was the strangest feeling ever, of course it didn’t happen.

tumblr_ltvs95i6Sh1qm6oc3o1_500
tumblr_nebmid151r1tzmenpo1_500

Sometimes being a good friend means putting emotions aside and being tough. My suicidal friend, who we will call Richard, is stubborn. When I went over that first night I had to yell at him and give him the tough reality of his situation about being dependent upon drugs and alcohol to keep him happy.

I guess the rest I have to say can be expressed in these gifs regarding leaving and heading on to my new adventure.
tumblr_neptakVeR01tltbz1o1_500

To Ethan:

tumblr_n0m7n5r3ia1tq4of6o1_500tumblr_m8djq7IVtg1qdd7ono13_r1_250tumblr_mp8wyhT2oz1ram1ilo8_r1_250tumblr_ma1lntpibY1rub8j2o1_500tumblr_nenbssyHXN1rvpt2oo1_500

To Eric:

tumblr_n5sd8oIJil1rwa9boo2_r1_500tumblr_lydj71yW8t1qiz7f9o1_250tumblr_n6a512Vhch1tq4of6o1_400tumblr_m08cgrO2ow1robcgeo1_500

To Andy:

tumblr_mtp2zhmwR61s9prw9o1_250

To Quick Silver:

tumblr_mtp2zhmwR61s9prw9o3_250

I am personally super excited and nervous for the next chapter in my life. I plan to really take advantage of this new start. I can’t wait to go to a new school and learn what I’m passionate about. I can’t wait to live it up without worrying about my safety. I can’t wait to just be free to be me without knowing people see me in a certain way and expect me to act that way.

To the future!tumblr_nekuoqL1Fa1tk9p3yo4_500tumblr_nesiztHcP11rhn1o8o1_500                                                          tumblr_m8ef29e3dK1qzi3tko4_250

XOXO Anna

Roller Coaster with AA to save the day!

So in my fiction class I had the same guy with the backwards hat trigger me. That wasn’t fun. Then when everyone was leaving class, Christian boy came up behind me and I got so freaked. I like jumped. Damn PTSD. But it’s not like Christian boy would know I have PTSD. But anyways, he said, “Take care sweetheart” again.

I then went to AA tonight. Not the young people’s AA but the original place I went for my first meeting. I like going to those meetings better because those are the people I met on the first day or the first week. I’ve bonded with them.

I’ve mentioned one guy in AA who I look up to in a past post. He really is sweet. We talked today and hugged and caught up. After the meeting everyone hung out and smoked outside and talked. The guy I look up to, who we will call Derek, is a member of that group and he was staying for the 8 o’clock. He asked if I was staying and I said I should probably eat since I’m anorexic. He was like, “oh yeah do what you have to do. You look great by the way.” Gave me a hug and kiss on the head and said “take care.” I can’t think of a nickname to give him. He wears these cool black spiral earrings that make him seem punk. He dresses like he has a job in business. First time I met him he was riding his bike home.

Overall a very unusual day. It’s Monster’s birthday by the way. So I think it somehow was triggering.

Right now, Quick Silver is about to come over because I gave him a ride home from a film set last night and he said he would give me gas money so maybe he will stay over and we might watch Breaking Bad together…

Anyways, signing off to make dinner!

XOXO Anna

One Year

November 7th. That’s today. It marks one year since Monster raped me. A lot of emotions are going on. I am not sure how to deal or feel. I broke down in the shower this morning, just to get it out. I should be fine all day…but it’s the night I am worried about.

I have no idea how I will react. I know I want to stay distracted. I know I don’t want to be alone. But I don’t know what friend I could call to hang out with. I don’t want them knowing why I don’t want to be alone. I was wondering if I could text Cute AA guy – who by the way is acting in my film for my class- and see if I could hang at his place after AA tonight, which I might go to that.

I just know that I am going to the school counseling session today, which I go to every friday, and will talk about it there. I just want to be prepared to any trigger that might come up or any reaction I might have. I just don’t want to burden any of my friends and let them know that today is a bit of a struggle for me.

XOXO Anna

It’s Halloween!!! :D

Halloween is the best holiday ever! Currently throwing a dinner party with all my friends. Ethan is here… and it’s okay. Seems normal between us but I know that we will have to talk eventually. I’ll tell him on another day. Don’t want to ruin Halloween. Also Monster is in town and that scared the mother fucking shit out of me.

But I went to counseling today to deal with Monster issues. I had a nightmare about him the other night. But PTSD symptoms are not so bad. Next week marks one year. Nervous about that. Plus I am going to be filming my film with all my classmates so the pressure to be perfect and on my game is intense.

Last night I hung out with this cute guy- we will call him Quick Silver since that’s his halloween costume. I’m hanging with him and his friends tonight. I think Quick Silver is completely oblivious that I think he is cute.  His friend caught on last night and asked me if I was into him. I told him that I thought Quick Silver was cute but couldn’t say if I liked him or not since I don’t know him yet.

Also Cute AA guy might hang out with me again this weekend! =D Hopefully Cute AA guy makes a move … but I doubt it.

Overall Halloween is awesome this year! Much better than last year’s.

Happy Halloween everyone!!! Have an awesome night!

XOXO Anna

Strange Trigger

So I went to a psychological horror film last night for class, and for some reason there were two scenes that triggered some Monster, Ethan,and Eric feelings. After the film I drove back to my apartment and broke down in my car for about a half hour before getting myself together. I called my sister once in my apartment because I started to have a flashback to Monster and also texted the Cute AA guy. My sister got me calm and then I went over to the Cute AA guys place because I told him I watched a scary film and didn’t want to be alone.

I ended up spending the night. Nothing happened, and I doubt anything will ever happen with him. But it was nice to know I had someone to call when things got tough because Eric isn’t around anymore and I couldn’t call Ethan because I was upset about Ethan.

Today I am doing well. Yet again a very busy day and won’t be done until 8. Then tomorrow I don’t have one free second at all.

All I can say is I pray I don’t get triggered again this week or next week though November 7th is the one year anniversary to Monster…so that could be why my emotions are heightened.

XOXO Anna

AA Fun!

So yesterday I got to hang out with the cute guy from AA. We ended up going back to my place and playing pool and then jumping in the freezing pool at my apartment. It was all really fun. I got to know him a bit better and I enjoyed his company.

We then met up at AA that night and me, him, and another AA friend went to IHOP for dinner. I personally was caught up in the past. It was very hard for me to stay present. But over all the dinner was chill. Cute AA guy paid for my meal in the end which was really nice.

And today, probably soon, we are both going to Kroger’s since we both have to do food shopping and I told him how hard it was for me to do that on my own. So that should be interesting.

Honestly I’m actually kinda nervous about it. Shopping for food. With a cute guy. I didn’t think this through. All I can say is I hope he doesn’t judge what I get, and I hope that I can stay strong enough to actually buy things I like and need.

XOXO Anna