Yesterday was a very interesting day. I woke up with Cody and we went out to brunch. I knew there was nothing for me to eat there. I got a drink, as in alcoholic, and then another and had a bit of Cody’s friends salad.
We all then went to the bar Cody likes and I got two more drinks. One while Cody was there, and another when his friend took him to get his car. Not a good choice on my part with little food in my stomach. I don’t really remember leaving the bar. The fact that I drank so much that I don’t remember or that it is so fuzzy I need someone to tell me worried me.
So I have decided to cut back on drinking, like a lot. I’m going to see if I can find a good AA meeting around me. I really miss the ones back at my school in GA. They had a great one! I went on days I didn’t even have the urge to drink because the people were so friendly.
Last night when Cody was over I told him I was going to be cutting back and I would possibly need his help, especially if we are in that kind of environment where everyone is drinking. There’s a reason I had to give up the party life while I started going to AA. I honestly wasn’t ready to be around people drinking at that point because it was too tempting for me to drink.
I then was trying to figure out why I was drinking so much. Things are pretty good right now, so why the drinking? Well, I think a lot has to do with the little things just building up. For one, a new relationship. Being in a relationship can be stressful to anyone, but for me, because of my past it takes more adjusting. Then my sister hates me. My mom isn’t helping when it comes to my eating disorder. My dad was in the hospital. Also, I am trying my best to eat! That means I have taken away not eating as a coping skill. As they say you trade one addiction for another. I used to trade my anorexia for cutting or drinking. I can’t cut. So I guess I turned to drinking. Also, I am doing EMDR so that brings up a lot of crap.
Today I have a therapy session and I am going to ask if we can start up EMDR again. See, we do a couple EMDR sessions and then take a break for a couple sessions because of how intense it can get.
But anyways! Last night Cody was freaking amazing. Like I was super stressing because my mom and I just talked and she said a comment about treatment and I was done. She was like, “I don’t care if you go back tomorrow or ever. You don’t need treatment. You use it as a crutch.” Sorry but …holy fucking crap. She is wrong. See, there are times I can handle it without treatment, but the thing is, once I stop eating for enough days, that’s when I need the help. If I catch it early, I can get back on track. But once it becomes a pattern or “normal” then I can’t get back to eating on my own. That’s what happened this time round.
I was trying to eat on my own, couldn’t. My sister and I started doing a meal plan thing, it was hard. I got eight days of following it, and then I started having a social life and my eating fell to shit. I needed Renfrew at that point because no amount of having someone sit me down to eat was going to make me eat.
Anyways, so Cody was awesome, he gave me this fucking to die for back massage. It really relaxed me because I was so wound up. Like Jesus! So fucking amazing. Then Cody and I were talking more, and he was just telling me all the sweetest things. Like there was a point at which I was honestly speechless and had no idea what to say. He was saying things like how beautiful I am, and how pretty my face is and how there are just things I do that make me adorable. Like he says it’s the little things about me that he loves. Also! Oh my god, there are times when Cody and I are talking and he just says things in the most poetic way. I can’t even handle it. Last night he was explaining how again, I am separate from my problems. That he knows me, and when I’m breaking down, it’s not me. He said, “When I see you crying like that, it’s not Anna in front of me, and all I want to do is get Anna back.” I like died a little inside. It is also true. Now, if I ever breakdown or have a flashback I’ll be thinking about that comment.
Cody is one of the first people who actually seems to…I don’t know. Like, okay, here is how I can explain this. I have a healthy part of my mind, the logic side, and then I have the unhealthy part of my mind, which encompasses all my ED thoughts and other things. It’s as if Cody is like the logic side of my head if my logic were a human. I know that sounds really strange. But see, the things he says to me, I already know to some degree, and the fact that another person see’s that, makes me believe it more.
The things Cody says to me at times, and the way he explains things to me, makes so much sense. It’s like when he says it, I hear it and I understand it. It clicks. That really doesn’t happen to me. My dad is very logic and analytical and intellectual and I am sure my dad has said things that Cody has told me, but there’s a difference. My dad is family so I feel like it’s not as real when he says things that Cody’s told me. Also, my dad doesn’t explain it in the exact way that Cody does. See, Ethan and my dad have very similar logical minds, and they both would tell me the things Cody’s told me, but there was always something missing. You know what that was? Emotion. My dad and Ethan, when they would explain it, it was logical, detached. When Cody tells me these things, I see the emotion behind it. I also like the way he breaks it all down and explains it step by step. I’ve never met anyone like him.
Cody said there are times that I blow him away. I laughed. I honestly am not sure how I do that, but I’ll take it. I mean, he mentions my looks a lot, which is nice, but at the same time I’d like to hear more about how me as a person is what also makes him love me. I mean, he says, I love you for you and who you are.
I feel so lucky to have met Cody. Truly, lucky. I am very happy that I’ve met him. We, personality wise, get along very well, and that’s very important. I think part of why we get along well is because we are similar in many ways and we can see where each other is coming from when an issue comes up. It makes it easier to understand and reassure the other when that happens. I also love our differences too. It makes for a good balance.
In relationships there are stages. Because I’ve taken psychology and learned so much from my experiences in GA, I feel like I know a lot. I know what to possibly expect and can prepare myself. See, even from my past relationships I’ve learned a lot. Though I used to be very emotionally driven, throughout my experience I’ve become more logically driven, more like Ethan and my dad, but I haven’t lost the emotional side.
Cody says I am perfect for him. I like the way he phrases that because I am not perfect. Maybe for him, but I am not perfect for most people. I have my little quirks and character flaws like everyone else. That’s one thing that is important in a relationship, is to acknowledge the other person has flaws and is human. In the honeymoon stage everything seems perfect and like a dream. There’s a reason most relationships end after that stage. People often “wake up” and are shocked at who they’re in a relationship with. The things they thought were once cute, now annoy them. I’ve gotten only to stage two in relationships. Here, for those who don’t know them, I’ll list them.
- The Honeymoon stage (romantic, drug induced phase)
- The Power Struggle phase (where most couples breakup)
- The Stability Stage
- The Commitment Stage
- The Bliss/Co-creation Stage
I think I got to stage two with Ethan and Eric. Ethan and I only made it to stage two because of what happened with Peter. Ethan and I tried to overcome that. We maybe almost got to stage three, but ended up breaking up. Eric and I were just entering the power struggle phase when Eric bailed. I think he didn’t like that he didn’t have all the power. See stage two is about compromise and understanding. That is key. It’s about understanding that there are going to be differences, and there are going to be things that come up, but you have to know which battle to fight and what to let go. I think that’s why Eric and I ended. He just figured things weren’t like they were, which was the honeymoon stage. He didn’t like that I was hanging out with guy friends and became more controlling. The thing is I was aware of what was happening, where he wasn’t. I think that’s what went wrong. The power struggle phase is difficult. It’s the stage where you feel betrayed because things aren’t like they were, or you think to yourself who is this person, or you want to run, etc. I knew it was stage two because I wanted to run. I knew I shouldn’t though, because I was aware of what was happening. It is a natural part of a relationship when you start to argue or things change. Change is inevitable. It’s the only way to move forward.
I am glad that Cody has actually had a longer term relationship than me, I feel like because he has that experience, it will be easier to navigate now. I mean, for me, knowing about the honeymoon stage and everything, I try my best to not be blindsided. I am trying to see Cody as a person with amazing traits and some flaws. I see both the good and bad. I accept both. It’s not even good or bad, it’s more like his strengths and weaknesses. Cody has so many strengths that I don’t have and that makes him extremely attractive to me. Like very fucking attractive. I like it when my partner has strengths where I myself am weak. It gives me the opportunity to learn from my partner, and I’ve mentioned before that I love learning from my partner.
We do both have some similar weaknesses, such as our issues with jealousy. We both get jealous. But, seeing him get jealous, and me knowing there’s nothing to be jealous about, helps me with my own jealousy, because I realize that it’s the same situation for him. He may get jealous of one of my guy friends, but they are just my friends. So when I get jealous of one of his girl friends, I just think to myself they are the equivalent to one of my guy friends. It doesn’t always work, but for the most part it kills the jealousy.
But yeah, totally going all psych here today. I guess I really just want school to start. I am truly excited! I honestly can’t freaking wait! Hope everyone’s having a good day!