Grey’s Anatomy

I have loved watching Grey’s Anatomy. The ups and the downs have been intense over the years. Many people have posted and have talked about the loss of Derek Shepard. The past three weeks, the episodes have been excruciatingly painful. I cried my heart out each time. My mom was worried about me continuing to watch Grey’s because of how worked up I’ve gotten over the past couple episodes.

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These episodes have hit me hard because as I posted a while ago, our family went through a loss. Our family friends, their family lost their husband and father to lung cancer. That family was so full of life- they were the life of the party. They are like a second family to me, and as I watched Grey’s over the past couple weeks, I cried because I imagined our friends and what they went through right after his death. I’m going to give our family friends a name on here. I’m going to call them the Delairs. The husband who died was an amazing man. His wife an amazing woman. Seeing Meredith mourn over Derek’s death is the way I imagine Mrs. Delair did. My parents had lunch with her the other day, which made me happy. She did what Meredith did and she left. She went on vacation for a while and shut certain people out. I can understand why she did that. I’m just glad she is letting my family back in. I miss her and her children. I wish I could have seen her the other day, but I’ll be seeing her and her family later this summer.

Seeing Meredith go through Derek’s death was very hard and I know a lot of fans were upset. As crushed as I am to see Derek leave, I think it’s really good writing. It’s real. In real life you can’t control when someone dies or how they die. In Grey’s Anatomy they did the unthinkable – killed off one of the most important characters. Then we as the audience get to see the aftermath. The real, raw, emotions of loss. I congratulate the show for being so daring and real. I as a fan am devastated about the loss of Derek, but there’s a certain peace I feel in knowing that it emulates real life to a certain degree.

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I also love how there’s going to be a season 12. It will show life post-derek. It will show Meredith’s journey back into living a life without Derek.

XOXO Anna

Shot my monologue today!

So my scene partner Gus had to leave early to get to something else, so he was the first to go, and I followed after. My scene took maybe 4-6 takes. She took me outside and told me to focus on a time when I had to disappoint my sister, or confess something to her, since she is the person I would hate to disappoint the most. Then after that take my teacher asked me to talk about what was going through my head.

“I am sorry Gus, I know you have somewhere to be,” I said and started crying. My teacher cleared the room so it was her, Gus, and me, and told me to continue speaking my thoughts. Once I was really emotional, she rolled the camera, and told me to do my monologue. I ended up doing a great take, and by the end when she called cut I couldn’t stop crying, and was crying for real. I was partially humiliated, but Gus gave me a hug and so did the teacher. I was allowed to go home after that because of how emotional the scene made me.

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It was strange because I really held eye contact for most of my monologue with Gus. I even held eye contact for when I said, “I love you so much.”

That line was very hard for me to say because I made a promise to myself that I would never say “I love you” in a serious romantic way again unless the guy said it. Now I know it was my character saying it, but I haven’t said the words “I love you” in a long time. So for me to say those words in a serious way for the first time since my freshman year of college was extremely hard. I remember thinking about how awkward I felt saying “I love you” to this classmate who is playing a character. It just seemed strange, but Gus was a good scene partner to play off of. I swear if I had a different scene partner it would have been so much more difficult.

But honestly I think I couldn’t really cry and get into the scene because I was in my head saying there are classmates watching you, and crying is a sign of weakness. Because once the room was clear and it was only Gus, the teacher, and me, I let myself feel and be true. I do still feel “weak” about crying for real after the scene ended in front of Gus. I don’t think he would judge me for that but I still feel awkward. I barely know this guy, and I’ve cried real tears in front of him. I couldn’t even cry in front of Quick Silver when I was cutting Ethan out of my life, and god, did I want to cry. I don’t ever want to cry in front of Quick Silver or Andy. I don’t want them to see me as weak or emotional. But anyways, I was debating on texting Gus and saying sorry about crying but I felt that was also stupid. I’m just going to let it slide, and when I see him next in class I’ll thank him for staying and apologize for actually losing it.

XOXO Anna

It’s been a hectic week!

This week started off decently, and then quickly everything seemed to pile on top of each other. My sister is back in town, can’t remember if I mentioned that, but she is back until sunday. She loves Luvas! She thinks he is the most adorable cat, which he kind of is! 😛

But I am skipping my classes today. Why, you may ask?

  1. My eating fell apart this week, and I haven’t had one day this week where I get two good meals in a day. So today I am taking off classes to get back on a normal eating schedule to refuel.
  2. The amount of homework I have has made me overwhelmed. I haven’t even done the reading for my detective class later, so I am spending the day doing my reading. Rehearsing my monologue and memorizing it, and then hopefully more brainstorming on a we series I need to come up with for my preproduction class.

Then tomorrow we are having Acting 1, when normally fridays our school has no classes. We are doing our make up class for Martin Luther King day tomorrow instead of next friday. So that’s why I have to have my monologue memorized, because we are shooting it tomorrow.

Then after my class tomorrow, because I was assigned to Practicum, which is something for theatre kids, I have to go to a mandatory training I missed last week because of the funeral. I was assigned paint crew, and have to train tomorrow and I can’t remember how long it is, but I think it’s long. So my whole friday was eaten up by unexpected classes and training.

Also, Quick Silver came over last night to see Luvas. It was hysterical! I had no idea Quick Silver wasn’t much of a cat person, and his facial expressions when Luvas would get close to him were priceless!

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Quick Silver is also taking Acting for Camera 1 but with a different teacher later on the same day I have Acting for Camera 1. So I rehearsed my monologue in front of him and my sister, and for some reason I couldn’t cry when rehearsing it. Quick Silver said I didn’t have to cry, but I was angry because earlier in class yesterday I killed it! My teacher said I did an amazing job, and we didn’t much work and could have filmed it. My scene partner couldn’t rehearse yesterday so that’s why I was so desperate to rehearse it when Quick Silver came over.

Owen texted me last night when Quick Silver was over, and I told him I got a cat, and he told me he was allergic. That was awkward because I told him to come over to see Luvas. I also printed out a certificate for Luvas saying he is an Emotional Support Animal, so I have to turn that in today.

I just want everything to calm down. Maybe it’s because school has just started and my sister has been in and out of town, and I just got a cat…idk.

Oh! Quick Silver helped me get rid of Ethan on other social media things. Even though I deleted Ethan’s number, he still was snap chatting me, and liking my instagram posts. So Quick Silver figured out how to get Ethan off of snap chat for me, and I unfollowed Ethan on instagram. I didn’t realize how hard it was to cut someone out of your life. But truly it is hard.

And what got me to cry during the monologue- which is The Fault in Our Stars, when Hazel is giving Augustus his eulogy at his fake funeral- when the script says “I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity” that’s when I think about me and Ethan and our wonderful time together in the past, and I think about how I have now lost Ethan or the Ethan I knew and how heart breaking it is for me. I also think about our family friend who died from cancer during this monologue, and that gets me to cry too.

XOXO Anna

Funeral

Funerals are very hard. Harder than I remember. Yesterday I didn’t post. I was so preoccupied with getting ready for the funeral, then being there, then just living with the fact that our family friend is gone.

My dad wrote one of the Eulogy’s and everyone loved it. My sister started crying during the service, especially when my dad read his eulogy. I surprisingly didn’t really cry at all during the service. Sure my eyes watered in and out, but not full on crying.

After the service there was a reception at our family friends house. I saw everyone who would normally be at the Thanksgiving parties they would throw, and more. There had to be anywhere from 200-500 people there. My dad, sister, and I walked around in the beginning, saying “hi” to the people we haven’t seen in at least a year, and updating them on our lives. Eventually I found one of the guys who was a year older than me, and I stuck with him for the rest of the night.

During the reception I had started with a beer until I heard they had champagne, so I had that, then finished my beer, and ended up having another beer. There were so many emotions not being shown at the service. It was very painful, so I thought if I were tipsy it wouldn’t be as hard. Which it wasn’t. It ended up keeping me from crying. There were toasts through out the night, and it really would have been a party that our friend who passed away would have loved or thrown himself.

By 6:30 we had to leave. I was slightly drunk. We ended up going to a restaurant because I had failed to remember that I only had a bowl of cereal, which was why the alcohol hit me harder.

At the restaurant we ordered our usual, and I ended up eating all of my food, which was impressive for me. Not going to lie, but whenever i’m tipsy/drunk I tend to eat like a normal person with no voice in my head telling me I can’t or shouldn’t eat.

Near the end of dinner, dad mentioned the friend and I was tearing up, then started crying, and by the time we got home I was balling my eyes out for at least an hour. These were full on sobs, crying so hard you can’t breathe sometimes and your body physically hurts from it. I remember asking why my dad wasn’t crying and he said, “It seems like you’re crying for all of us combined.”

I’m an empath, and so naturally I guess I hooked onto others emotions through out the night. But I can’t even remember a time I’ve cried this hard. This was probably one of my most intense breakdowns of my life. I think it made my sister nervous because she kept asking if there was anything she could do. She ran me a bath and made me tea and I was still balling my eyes out in the bath.

There was probably an hour and a half total of crying my eyes out. It hit me that I would never see him again because he is gone. There wouldn’t be another time where my family would walk through their door and he would complain that we forgot to give him a hug. There wouldn’t be a time where I could tell him that I have this wonderful memory of him. My mom did see him while he was sick and told him my most fond memory, and that makes me feel better that he knew that before he passed.

This mourning and grieving process is hard. How does one deal with death? I know I’ve asked this before but I just don’t know how to feel or act. It’s the strangest thing to be in their house without him there.

XOXO Anna

Woke up sad this morning

This morning I woke up and was in a low mood. I guess I was thinking about our family friend who passed. The service is on Saturday, and me and my sister fly back home for that on friday. Being back at school I was having a great time until a friend of mine posted on Facebook that their friend had died, reminding me of what had just happened in my families life. Death is a very hard thing to process. Part of me still thinks our family friend is out there okay and living, but I know he is gone and that really hurts.

XOXO Anna

A not so Merry Christmas after all…

So later today we found out that our family friend who is sick might not make it through the day. This is the family friend who has cancer.

I cried, my mom cried. My dad was asked to write a eulogy. I didn’t see my sister cry, but she was visibly upset. How does one deal with death? My only experience with death was when I graduated eighth grade and during that summer my grandma and my uncle died within a month of each other. I went to my grandma’s funeral, but my mother wouldn’t let me and my sister go to our uncle’s because of how close the deaths were.

I haven’t experienced a close death since I was fourteen. I am now almost twenty-one. Even writing this brings up a lot of emotions. I know there are the five stages of grief.

  1. Denial/Isolation
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

Those are what have been told to me. I can understand the denial and isolation. I for one, though I knew he had cancer, was in complete denial that he was going to die. I also went through some isolation during that. Hearing that he might not make it through today made me incredibly sad. I still am very sad. I feel as though I will be sad about this for a long time. I also feel like this isn’t real. This person was someone who seemed to be able to do anything. Like he could conquer the world. He was so full of life…it’s just incomprehensible to think that he is or will be gone.

I just don’t understand I guess. I don’t know how to deal with loss. All I know is I hate loss whether it’s a death or just losing someone in my life due to other reasons.

I don’t even know what to say to his family when I see them at the service, which is supposed to be in a couple days. I just feel like I don’t know how to act. I feel as though I’m supposed to be strong and not show too much emotion. But in reality I feel a lot of emotion.

I know death is natural and all apart of the circle of life, but how does one deal with it? Is there a right way? I’m at a loss as to what to do, say, and feel…

XOXO Anna

Dear Eric…

Dear Eric,

I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while, but have been way too scared. But seeing you the other day made me realize I need to talk to you. I feel like there was miscommunication or misunderstandings after we broke up. So I am here to clarify and talk about it from my point of view.

Pre Breakup:           

With everything that happened this summer, I initially was worried about Ethan’s feelings, but I was also dead terrified of losing you as a friend, and that’s why I was hesitant throughout everything. Part of me obviously had feelings for you, strong ones, but at the same time there was a part of me that always thought of you as just my best friend. And as things got hectic for me with the case I couldn’t really be there romantically. It was hard for me, and I was going to end it because it wasn’t working. I also told you that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and honestly at this moment I am so happy to be single. That was my reasoning behind it.

Post Breakup:

Though I also wanted to breakup, it didn’t mean it was incredibly hard and painful to do and go through. For me, if you know me at all, you know I don’t like pain and will do whatever I can to avoid it because it’s too overwhelming- hence the getting drunk that night and cutting.

Then as I mentioned to you before we even made it official between us, we promised no matter what happened that we would always be friends, and I told you if we broke up I do a 30 day cleanse so I can no longer have feelings for the person I was with. That’s why I haven’t contacted you. And that was one of the hardest things for me to do, was to not talk to you, or call you or text you when I wanted to catch up, or when some pretty bad things were happening. It killed me.

But I stayed strong and didn’t reach out, because I knew we both needed time for our feelings to subside. And for me, the best way I can kill my feelings for a person is to find a new person that I could think of as cute or have an innocent crush on. For me I went out on dates- dinner, talking and not seeing them again. Simple. I ended up dating someone for more than one date but I ended it after a while. So I’m single and happy. I dated, and tried to find guys who I could like purposely so I could kill my feelings for you so that we could be friends again faster. My whole goal through post breakup had been to be able to have you back as one of my best friends, my family.

But seeing you the other day it dawned on me that maybe you weren’t the person I thought you were for the past two years. This is where the letter goes two different ways.

Hypothetical 1: (positive)

You were truly my best friend for two years and actually cared/care about me, and you’re just hurting from the breakup and can’t bear to talk to me or see me because it makes you (insert feelings here), and you were waiting for those feelings to leave so we could once again be friends.

Hypothetical 2: (negative)

This was a masterpiece plan. That you becoming my friend and gaining my trust and my complete confidence in you would one day pay off. With your master manipulation skills, you easily read me and figured out how to make me feel safe around you and trust you, so that one day when you made your move on me, I wouldn’t be able to say no. And then once getting in my pants and winning, you could end it and leave me to pick up the broken pieces. If this is the situation that happened, let me applaud you. You outdid The Monster! The Monster wasn’t able to infiltrate my home life with my family and closest friends I’ve known my whole life. You not only hurt and abandoned me, but you hurt my family too! My family feels utterly betrayed by you. In fact, I’m not allowed to introduce them to another boyfriend unless I’ve been with the guy for over a year! I wasn’t the only one who trusted you. My mom and dad trusted you and believed that you would respect me and care about me. Let me tell you they were shocked to hear the news, and so were my family friends, who also loved you, Robin and Jerry. Congratulations man. With these skills, you can really do great things and get far in life- but remember, that at the end of the day you will have no one, and that sucks. I mean, you’re family life isn’t good, and here you have this friend who lives an hour from you who tells you that you have a safe place to go if things get tough at home, and you hurt them. This is where your master plan falls to pieces. This is where a better manipulator would have known to avoid this pitfall, so that no matter what he had all that he wanted. But let me say if this was the true situation, you my dear have dedication! That’s something that isn’t always there with people who manipulate. They don’t have the patience to get the reward they want.

Comments:

Now that we have the two hypothetical situations that I think could have happened out there, I personally want to believe in situation one- because I figured I knew you. But with recent events I have to doubt myself and my trust in you, which is where hypothetical situation 2 comes in. One of the counselors I saw was the one who really made scenerio 2 a possibility in my head. She said, “Well, what if you’re seeing who he really is for the first time in two years. I know it’s hard to hear, but what if this is him and he just put on a show for you.”

If you are the master manipulator, you could easily turn this around on me, saying “How dare you say that about me! You don’t even know me, this proves I shouldn’t have you as a friend.” But since I am well versed in manipulative behaviors I’m not falling for that.

The only reason I think scenerio 2 exists is because you did leave me as a friend too. Now I understand that there needs to be space after a breakup, but you knew damn well what I was going through. I had the The Monster case going on, and my family friend who is dying of stage 4 lung cancer. I had to deal with that all on my own. Of course when things got out of hand I reached out to Ethan.

I also want to ask why are you upset and mad with me post breakup when you ended it? Why that instead of what I’m trying to do now, which is get us to a better place? I mean, if you’re still working through romantic feelings I understand that you would not want to be friends. I mean, it took me a while to be able to be friends with Ethan again, so I can understand if that’s where you’re coming from.

I want to also say that I was extremely hurt by what you said to someone about me. Just because I went out on dates, doesn’t mean I’m a slut. I asked if I could go out to dinner with that guy friend from freshman year, and you gave me permission. In no way would I have ever cheated on you if that’s what you were worried about. But you saying “she is a slut and I’m glad to be done with her” killed me. I rather you hit me than say something so nasty. Of course, I can understand that you said that out of anger and pain, because I’ve said things out of anger and pain that I didn’t mean.

As much as I am hurt that I feel like you abandoned me, I will thank you, because you made me that much stronger. With each person who hurts me, they don’t break me- they make me stronger.

So right now, I am not sure if I want to be friends with you. In a perfect world, I really do want you around as my friend and have it be like old times with you me and Ethan being a family. But with my pain that I’ve felt from you (has nothing to do with the breakup, it’s just the friends thing) I don’t know if I can, until I hear your side of the story. I really do want to hear your side of the story and what it has been like for you. Because as I said a million times communication is key to any relationship whether romantic or not. I feel like you might be upset with some things I’ve said in here, but I wanted to be completely honest with everything that has entered my head, because without honesty we won’t get anywhere.

Let me say on a final note, thank you. No matter which scenario is real, thank you. Because without you I would have had a really hard time getting through the rough patches over the past two years. So thank you for being there in the past. Also thank you for giving me the tough love I needed and kicking my ass and getting me to go to AA. It’s changed my life, and I forever thank you for that. Even if you and I are going our separate ways, as painful as that is, thank you for letting me have so many good memories with you.

Thanks for listening, Anna

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That’s the letter I plan to read Eric when I actually see him…which the idea of even seeing him scares me because I don’t want to be rejected. But c’est la vie! All I can do is be honest and hope for the best.

XOXO Anna

Worst day ever…

So I heard back from the DA and I’m pissed as shit! Cops and the law suck! If you couldn’t guess Monster gets away with it. There wasn’t enough evidence to continue. So that happened.

Also saw Eric walking out of his apartment today and I swear I almost got in a car accident because of it.

Then during the 15 minute break in class I call my parents to get an update on a family friend who was recently diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. They said it wasn’t looking good but they wouldn’t be able to tell until the second round of chemo to know for sure. I also feel terribly guilty because last thanksgiving our family friend throws a party every year to celebrate, and I stayed with Monster and his family over thanksgiving instead of going home to celebrate with my family and our friend.

Then my officer calls me in class so I leave class to take it and he explained further why the DA couldn’t move the case forward and what Monster’s statement was. It felt like my officer was on Monster’s side too, which hurt. My officer said I could drive back to the place it happened (because it happened out of town) and meet with the DA and give another statement to see if that changed anything. But I can’t. I have no support system now, so I’m not moving forward with this. I’m going to let sleeping dogs lie. Monster will get away with rape, but if he ever does this to another girl at least I will have shown a pattern.

That’s what I have to remember. If this happens to another girl, the fact that I reported Monster shows a pattern, and Monster would be more likely convicted.

With all that’s going on, I told my family I wanted to go home for the weekend. Especially with the chance of Monster being in town this weekend, I don’t want to run the risk of seeing him or him finding me or something.

Hopefully something positive happens later today…

XOXO Anna