Grey’s Anatomy

I have loved watching Grey’s Anatomy. The ups and the downs have been intense over the years. Many people have posted and have talked about the loss of Derek Shepard. The past three weeks, the episodes have been excruciatingly painful. I cried my heart out each time. My mom was worried about me continuing to watch Grey’s because of how worked up I’ve gotten over the past couple episodes.


These episodes have hit me hard because as I posted a while ago, our family went through a loss. Our family friends, their family lost their husband and father to lung cancer. That family was so full of life- they were the life of the party. They are like a second family to me, and as I watched Grey’s over the past couple weeks, I cried because I imagined our friends and what they went through right after his death. I’m going to give our family friends a name on here. I’m going to call them the Delairs. The husband who died was an amazing man. His wife an amazing woman. Seeing Meredith mourn over Derek’s death is the way I imagine Mrs. Delair did. My parents had lunch with her the other day, which made me happy. She did what Meredith did and she left. She went on vacation for a while and shut certain people out. I can understand why she did that. I’m just glad she is letting my family back in. I miss her and her children. I wish I could have seen her the other day, but I’ll be seeing her and her family later this summer.

Seeing Meredith go through Derek’s death was very hard and I know a lot of fans were upset. As crushed as I am to see Derek leave, I think it’s really good writing. It’s real. In real life you can’t control when someone dies or how they die. In Grey’s Anatomy they did the unthinkable – killed off one of the most important characters. Then we as the audience get to see the aftermath. The real, raw, emotions of loss. I congratulate the show for being so daring and real. I as a fan am devastated about the loss of Derek, but there’s a certain peace I feel in knowing that it emulates real life to a certain degree.


I also love how there’s going to be a season 12. It will show life post-derek. It will show Meredith’s journey back into living a life without Derek.


Shot my monologue today!

So my scene partner Gus had to leave early to get to something else, so he was the first to go, and I followed after. My scene took maybe 4-6 takes. She took me outside and told me to focus on a time when I had to disappoint my sister, or confess something to her, since she is the person I would hate to disappoint the most. Then after that take my teacher asked me to talk about what was going through my head.

“I am sorry Gus, I know you have somewhere to be,” I said and started crying. My teacher cleared the room so it was her, Gus, and me, and told me to continue speaking my thoughts. Once I was really emotional, she rolled the camera, and told me to do my monologue. I ended up doing a great take, and by the end when she called cut I couldn’t stop crying, and was crying for real. I was partially humiliated, but Gus gave me a hug and so did the teacher. I was allowed to go home after that because of how emotional the scene made me.


It was strange because I really held eye contact for most of my monologue with Gus. I even held eye contact for when I said, “I love you so much.”

That line was very hard for me to say because I made a promise to myself that I would never say “I love you” in a serious romantic way again unless the guy said it. Now I know it was my character saying it, but I haven’t said the words “I love you” in a long time. So for me to say those words in a serious way for the first time since my freshman year of college was extremely hard. I remember thinking about how awkward I felt saying “I love you” to this classmate who is playing a character. It just seemed strange, but Gus was a good scene partner to play off of. I swear if I had a different scene partner it would have been so much more difficult.

But honestly I think I couldn’t really cry and get into the scene because I was in my head saying there are classmates watching you, and crying is a sign of weakness. Because once the room was clear and it was only Gus, the teacher, and me, I let myself feel and be true. I do still feel “weak” about crying for real after the scene ended in front of Gus. I don’t think he would judge me for that but I still feel awkward. I barely know this guy, and I’ve cried real tears in front of him. I couldn’t even cry in front of Quick Silver when I was cutting Ethan out of my life, and god, did I want to cry. I don’t ever want to cry in front of Quick Silver or Andy. I don’t want them to see me as weak or emotional. But anyways, I was debating on texting Gus and saying sorry about crying but I felt that was also stupid. I’m just going to let it slide, and when I see him next in class I’ll thank him for staying and apologize for actually losing it.


It’s been a hectic week!

This week started off decently, and then quickly everything seemed to pile on top of each other. My sister is back in town, can’t remember if I mentioned that, but she is back until sunday. She loves Luvas! She thinks he is the most adorable cat, which he kind of is! 😛

But I am skipping my classes today. Why, you may ask?

  1. My eating fell apart this week, and I haven’t had one day this week where I get two good meals in a day. So today I am taking off classes to get back on a normal eating schedule to refuel.
  2. The amount of homework I have has made me overwhelmed. I haven’t even done the reading for my detective class later, so I am spending the day doing my reading. Rehearsing my monologue and memorizing it, and then hopefully more brainstorming on a we series I need to come up with for my preproduction class.

Then tomorrow we are having Acting 1, when normally fridays our school has no classes. We are doing our make up class for Martin Luther King day tomorrow instead of next friday. So that’s why I have to have my monologue memorized, because we are shooting it tomorrow.

Then after my class tomorrow, because I was assigned to Practicum, which is something for theatre kids, I have to go to a mandatory training I missed last week because of the funeral. I was assigned paint crew, and have to train tomorrow and I can’t remember how long it is, but I think it’s long. So my whole friday was eaten up by unexpected classes and training.

Also, Quick Silver came over last night to see Luvas. It was hysterical! I had no idea Quick Silver wasn’t much of a cat person, and his facial expressions when Luvas would get close to him were priceless!

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Quick Silver is also taking Acting for Camera 1 but with a different teacher later on the same day I have Acting for Camera 1. So I rehearsed my monologue in front of him and my sister, and for some reason I couldn’t cry when rehearsing it. Quick Silver said I didn’t have to cry, but I was angry because earlier in class yesterday I killed it! My teacher said I did an amazing job, and we didn’t much work and could have filmed it. My scene partner couldn’t rehearse yesterday so that’s why I was so desperate to rehearse it when Quick Silver came over.

Owen texted me last night when Quick Silver was over, and I told him I got a cat, and he told me he was allergic. That was awkward because I told him to come over to see Luvas. I also printed out a certificate for Luvas saying he is an Emotional Support Animal, so I have to turn that in today.

I just want everything to calm down. Maybe it’s because school has just started and my sister has been in and out of town, and I just got a cat…idk.

Oh! Quick Silver helped me get rid of Ethan on other social media things. Even though I deleted Ethan’s number, he still was snap chatting me, and liking my instagram posts. So Quick Silver figured out how to get Ethan off of snap chat for me, and I unfollowed Ethan on instagram. I didn’t realize how hard it was to cut someone out of your life. But truly it is hard.

And what got me to cry during the monologue- which is The Fault in Our Stars, when Hazel is giving Augustus his eulogy at his fake funeral- when the script says “I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity” that’s when I think about me and Ethan and our wonderful time together in the past, and I think about how I have now lost Ethan or the Ethan I knew and how heart breaking it is for me. I also think about our family friend who died from cancer during this monologue, and that gets me to cry too.



Funerals are very hard. Harder than I remember. Yesterday I didn’t post. I was so preoccupied with getting ready for the funeral, then being there, then just living with the fact that our family friend is gone.

My dad wrote one of the Eulogy’s and everyone loved it. My sister started crying during the service, especially when my dad read his eulogy. I surprisingly didn’t really cry at all during the service. Sure my eyes watered in and out, but not full on crying.

After the service there was a reception at our family friends house. I saw everyone who would normally be at the Thanksgiving parties they would throw, and more. There had to be anywhere from 200-500 people there. My dad, sister, and I walked around in the beginning, saying “hi” to the people we haven’t seen in at least a year, and updating them on our lives. Eventually I found one of the guys who was a year older than me, and I stuck with him for the rest of the night.

During the reception I had started with a beer until I heard they had champagne, so I had that, then finished my beer, and ended up having another beer. There were so many emotions not being shown at the service. It was very painful, so I thought if I were tipsy it wouldn’t be as hard. Which it wasn’t. It ended up keeping me from crying. There were toasts through out the night, and it really would have been a party that our friend who passed away would have loved or thrown himself.

By 6:30 we had to leave. I was slightly drunk. We ended up going to a restaurant because I had failed to remember that I only had a bowl of cereal, which was why the alcohol hit me harder.

At the restaurant we ordered our usual, and I ended up eating all of my food, which was impressive for me. Not going to lie, but whenever i’m tipsy/drunk I tend to eat like a normal person with no voice in my head telling me I can’t or shouldn’t eat.

Near the end of dinner, dad mentioned the friend and I was tearing up, then started crying, and by the time we got home I was balling my eyes out for at least an hour. These were full on sobs, crying so hard you can’t breathe sometimes and your body physically hurts from it. I remember asking why my dad wasn’t crying and he said, “It seems like you’re crying for all of us combined.”

I’m an empath, and so naturally I guess I hooked onto others emotions through out the night. But I can’t even remember a time I’ve cried this hard. This was probably one of my most intense breakdowns of my life. I think it made my sister nervous because she kept asking if there was anything she could do. She ran me a bath and made me tea and I was still balling my eyes out in the bath.

There was probably an hour and a half total of crying my eyes out. It hit me that I would never see him again because he is gone. There wouldn’t be another time where my family would walk through their door and he would complain that we forgot to give him a hug. There wouldn’t be a time where I could tell him that I have this wonderful memory of him. My mom did see him while he was sick and told him my most fond memory, and that makes me feel better that he knew that before he passed.

This mourning and grieving process is hard. How does one deal with death? I know I’ve asked this before but I just don’t know how to feel or act. It’s the strangest thing to be in their house without him there.


Woke up sad this morning

This morning I woke up and was in a low mood. I guess I was thinking about our family friend who passed. The service is on Saturday, and me and my sister fly back home for that on friday. Being back at school I was having a great time until a friend of mine posted on Facebook that their friend had died, reminding me of what had just happened in my families life. Death is a very hard thing to process. Part of me still thinks our family friend is out there okay and living, but I know he is gone and that really hurts.


A not so Merry Christmas after all…

So later today we found out that our family friend who is sick might not make it through the day. This is the family friend who has cancer.

I cried, my mom cried. My dad was asked to write a eulogy. I didn’t see my sister cry, but she was visibly upset. How does one deal with death? My only experience with death was when I graduated eighth grade and during that summer my grandma and my uncle died within a month of each other. I went to my grandma’s funeral, but my mother wouldn’t let me and my sister go to our uncle’s because of how close the deaths were.

I haven’t experienced a close death since I was fourteen. I am now almost twenty-one. Even writing this brings up a lot of emotions. I know there are the five stages of grief.

  1. Denial/Isolation
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

Those are what have been told to me. I can understand the denial and isolation. I for one, though I knew he had cancer, was in complete denial that he was going to die. I also went through some isolation during that. Hearing that he might not make it through today made me incredibly sad. I still am very sad. I feel as though I will be sad about this for a long time. I also feel like this isn’t real. This person was someone who seemed to be able to do anything. Like he could conquer the world. He was so full of life…it’s just incomprehensible to think that he is or will be gone.

I just don’t understand I guess. I don’t know how to deal with loss. All I know is I hate loss whether it’s a death or just losing someone in my life due to other reasons.

I don’t even know what to say to his family when I see them at the service, which is supposed to be in a couple days. I just feel like I don’t know how to act. I feel as though I’m supposed to be strong and not show too much emotion. But in reality I feel a lot of emotion.

I know death is natural and all apart of the circle of life, but how does one deal with it? Is there a right way? I’m at a loss as to what to do, say, and feel…