Relationship With Mom

Since I got out of treatment, my mom and I have been working on our relationship. I honestly thought this time was different. I am not sure how much I’ve really mentioned my relationship with my mother on this blog, but it has been superficial.

I love my mom. I want my mom. I know, I am 23 but I still need her. I think I’ll always want her, but I don’t know if I’ll ever really have her. I don’t think I’ve ever “really” had her. I know that she cares, I just think she might not be capable of showing it in the ways mothers usually show they care.

In treatment, we had family sessions each week. In those sessions, my mother and I addressed many issues and topics that were keeping our relationship in a tense place. My mother expressed that she mothered the way she thought was best. She thought signing me up for as many activities as possible was showing her care because she never had that growing up. I think she showed her love through money. I don’t want to sound harsh, but I think she didn’t realize the emotional needs of a child after the age of seven, or she just worked too much.

I know these days women work just as much as men, and that is great. I just don’t think my parents anticipated how much their new company would consume them. I want to make clear that I am not blaming my parents in any way. I am just giving my opinion. I know they did the best they could.

I just wonder why my mom can’t be emotional. I know her parents were distant, and she grew up to be independent, strong, and tough. Not everyone has that personality, though, especially not my sister and me. Not to say we don’t have those qualities, but we are sensitive as well. I am closer to my dad than my mom, and my sister is as well. My sister once told me that she doesn’t have a chance at having a relationship with mom, but she saw that I had a chance. She told me to fight for that relationship. Since she told me that I have fought. I have tried my hardest to have a relationship with my mom, but some days I am not sure it’s possible. Other days I think it is. The worst part in all this is the back and forth, the uncertainty, which leaves an emotionally unsafe place to be in.

Last week I went over to my parents to cook with my mom because that was part of the bonding we thought would be good, and it’s good for my recovery to learn how to cook. When I walked through the door in sweat pants and Cody’s t-shirt my mom instantly criticized the way I looked. She then commented on my hair after insulting the outfit. I was very hurt and felt self-conscious but paused. I didn’t yell or explode, instead, I told her I felt like she was projecting and asked what was going on in her life. She admitted to projecting and talked about the stress. That was something we have never done. That was huge progress. It made me hopeful. She also really wanted me to join her gym and go with her twice a week. I’ll admit I was nervous because that’s a commitment. I wasn’t sure whether our new relationship was going to last, but because she was so confident in her decision I started to hope.

Yesterday I talked to my mom about many things and got to the topic of buying books for class. My dad was being strange about it, so she said she would chip in to help me afford it. I was thinking, “wow, my mom really cares and is stepping up her game.” She asks when she can give me the money, and I said that since we had therapy she could give it to me then. She said she couldn’t make therapy (she also canceled last week’s therapy session). I said that was okay. I also asked if she knew if a dietician was in our insurance plan because I need one. She replies, “You don’t need a dietician Anna, please you are fine. You can do this yourself.” I don’t fight her on that, even though I was crushed and hurt. I then continue the conversation of therapy and when she can come. She, in the end, said she could maybe do therapy once a month but said she feels we don’t need it. Meanwhile, before we talked about therapy, she was asking me to come to work today to help out, and when I asked about being paid she said she shouldn’t be paying me because I am family. In the end when she said she thinks we don’t need therapy I told her I wasn’t coming into work and hung up.

After that conversation, I was broken. I felt scared, abandoned and family-less. I’ve already pretty much lost India since she never replies to me, my mom and I were trying to work it out and I feel as if I’ve lost that, and if I lose mom then I, in turn, lose my dad who will be on her side.

I have given my mother many chances to be there emotionally for me, to be closer, to help, and so on. It’s been three years of chances. I really thought this time was going to be different, and maybe it will turn out to be okay…but I feel hopeless right now since she just lost the trust that was slowly being earned.

I am not someone who trusts easily. Sadly, I trusted my mom and that she wanted a relationship (that’s deeper than a kiddie pool). I am not sure if my mom is just scared of having a relationship or what, but I do know that her actions have been quite hurtful and now I feel scared. I am scared to talk to my mom, scared to hang out with her, and scared to try again. I’ll get over it, but I hate feeling scared. I am sure if she knew any of what I was feeling she would apologize, but I don’t know if she would change her mind about therapy or about a dietician. She always “knows” what I “need” and don’t “need.” When I ask for something and she dismisses it, like she has done for as long as I can remember, I doubt myself and knowing what I need. I just want this cycle to end.

If I could have a relationship with my mom it would be both of us communicating honestly, and openly -no secrets. It would be us being able to say what we each need, and both of us accepting those needs. I guess it comes down to being supportive and accepting. I hope one day we can get there…

XOXO Anna

 

The Holidays

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This year was the first year that I celebrated Christmas without my sister. If you’ve read my blog, you will know that my sister ran away a little over a year ago. Of course, we ended up finding her and she is safe, but the relationship with her is still fragile. This Christmas was very hard on my parents and granddad. Apparently my granddad cried himself to sleep a couple nights before Christmas because my sister wasn’t here.

I know I’ve been off this holiday season as well. I’ve definitely been sad because my sister isn’t here and that last christmas eve was when I was starting to really see that Cody had a porn problem.

Even with all that sadness, I think I had a pretty good holiday season over all. Cody and I spent time with my parents and granddad, and we spent time with Cody’s family.

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Family. That word has always been so loaded for me. I am adopted and I haven’t really thought much of it. At least not until my sister ran away. I’ve definitely thought about it over the years at different times, but lately, I’ve felt out of place even more so than I ever have. I guess with India gone it seems so lonely. To me, India and I were always more of a family than India, me, and my parents together. Maybe because we both bonded over being adopted and felt closer to each other because of that.

I was talking with Cody about family, and how I feel so out of place. I guess I’ve noticed it more now that I’ve been in a serious relationship where family dinners and gatherings happen and I will go to them. This year Cody’s grandparents got me a Christmas present, and that means something. This year Cody’s dad and siblings got me a present that only family members get every year -socks. It’s a joke because every year the dad gets the kids socks along with other gifts, so they got me socks and other things. That moment made me feel so part of the family. And lately these days I feel more accepted by Cody’s family, not that they ever made me not feel accepted, but I feel more a part of them.

The moms side of the family had a get together yesterday and everyone on that side was there. They did a family photo thing, and one of the aunts asked me to take the family picture. That made me feel so out of place. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there, or that I was just an outsider. Of course, Cody’s mom said I was a part of the family and to not dwell on that. But I guess I was shocked at myself for being sensitive to that. I never expected myself to be sensitive to that, but I was. I think I was sensitive because Cody lately has felt like the closest thing to family that I have. With India gone, and my parents relationship being up and down, Cody has been my constant. He has been stable, and also his dad has been stable. So I guess I felt thrown when I was taking the family photo. I mean, Cody’s moms boyfriend was in the picture, and they aren’t married. I know that the boyfriend has been her boyfriend since Cody’s parents divorce, but I just felt so…rejected maybe?

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But besides that, the holidays have been nice. I know that New Years is coming up and that means more family get togethers and get togethers with friends, so I will prepare myself for any emotional stuff that might be brought up. I think I also want to maybe address my adoption in therapy more. I honestly haven’t thought about the fact that I am adopted until a couple weeks ago, and I actually sat down to think about how adoption has affected my life. It’s not been a bad thing at all. It’s just being adopted has always made me have a different perspective on family. Family isn’t made from blood but by people that you love.

XOXO Anna

Couples Therapy

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Cody and I talked a lot yesterday before couples therapy. At work I installed a web browser blocker and blocked a lot of porn sites and words that could bring up porn, and the funny thing is that when one searches a term that is blocked it redirects to another page, that you can set…so I set it to redirect to the picture of Cody and I in the beginning of our relationship, we were kissing in a coffee shop, and it’s really a sweet picture. So I feel a bit better about Cody going to work now, though I still have anxiety.

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We switched phones at the beginning of this week since it was his phone and the work computer he used for his addiction. I haven’t yet found something to block sites and words for his phone, so that has been a bummer for both of us. I know Cody wants his phone back but I need to have a certain level of trust gained back before I give him his phone, which he used to feed his addiction.

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In therapy we made a lot of progress. We talked about a lot of things, like the things we’ve progressed on and the things that I personally am still trying to work to get over. My goal is to obviously be able to forgive Cody and look back at the past without feeling pain. I’m not there yet but I’m working on it. I also am working on trying to understand how Cody could have let us sign a year lease together, knowing that if I found out about his addiction there was a possibility of me leaving. Cody and I have talked about it, and we talked in therapy about it, and the therapist helped me understand a bit more.

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Also surprise! My sister is back in town and no one told me. Yesterday my mom texted me that she was arriving late last night and I was completely thrown off guard. If you’ve read my blog you will know that things have been tense with my sister. If not,this can give you an idea of what happened. So I am not only trying to stay strong and keep Cody going in recovery, but now I have to make sure I am there enough for my sister while she is here too. I’m a bit stressed to say the least…

XOXO Anna

A Present for India

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I got India a ring from that Jeulia site too. I ended up following the company’s instagram and to my dismay some customers didn’t have a great experience. Some loved their rings while others complained. So hopefully the ring set Cody got me doesn’t chip like some customers said the black rings did. Some customers complained of getting the rings weeks late too. So fingers crossed that everything works out in the end…I mean those rings they designed are beautiful so it would be a shame if there were issues.

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Also haven’t done my police homework yet, and my class is at 2:50 pm. I am super stressing about finals. Also I have an OBGYN appointment on monday, which is the day Cody and I are moving. See I’ve been bleeding a bit since my period ended so we are worried. Not about pregnancy but that something isn’t right? I’ve never really had this issue but I’m sure everything’s okay. It’s just annoying that we have to do that on the day we are moving :/

XOXO Anna

Stressed to the Max

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It’s spring break and I finished my rough draft of my Sociology paper, which I chose to write as a blog post, which I want to post once I edit it. Then I still have my police paper to write, but I have to finish listening to Serial Podcast and then I can start trying to write it. I then am meeting the child I am going to hopefully babysit on saturday. It’s not really a babysitter since she is 11, but its more of just watching her and taking her to her activities. It will help bring in some extra money, which Cody and I will need.

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I’ve mentioned that Cody and I are trying to move out. Well, it’s been hectic. Last week we saw the apartment, we LOVED it. We got the application, we filled everything out, we worked out a budget (I even am getting a part-time babysitting job)…everything is done except for his dad signing the cosign for the application. This is the application! Not even the lease. I’m scared that we are going to lose our hold on this apartment. I am praying to the gods that by the time Cody gets his dad to do the paper work and us turning it in that the apartment is still available…Fingers crossed!

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Also I’ve tried talking to India, and she is very upset. She feels our parents love me more simply because they are giving me more money for the apartment than they give her. I explained that Cody, mom, dad, and I all sat down and came up with the budget based on our spending and we even cut the budget down by $200 working with them. So I just hope India and I are okay. Cody and I are moving out simply so India can come home over the summer. She refuses to come home if Cody is here, so we are moving out for India. Don’t get me wrong, Cody and I want to move out, we just didn’t expect to be moving out this soon. We wanted to save more before doing this.

Hope everything works out though!

XOXO Anna

Stress, Cutting, and Moving Out

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It’s been a hectic couple days. Since last friday I’ve been dead tired and dizzy…all the time. I have felt like I’ve been in a dream like state, which freaks me out. Today is the first day I feel like slightly better. Then I had an exam on tuesday, so I was stressing for that. I went home early because I was so exhausted and slept the rest of that day away.

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Cody went to parkour, and my parents told me that Cody and I have to move out because India might be coming home and she refuses to come home if Cody is living there. So Cody and I have found some places we want to look at. This saturday we are going to look at a house, a house. It’s multifamily, but I think the owner lives on the first floor and then if we got the house we would get the second floor, a balcony, deck, and the attic. The description says it is a 2-3 bedroom so we would have plenty of space.

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But back to my parents telling me India might be coming home, things were stressful. See I have tried to figure out so many things I could do for Cody’s birthday and each plan keeps falling apart. So because India might come home, what I wanted to do for Cody can’t happen…at least not the way I wanted it to, and I ends dup crying over it and my dad apologized because he knows how much I’ve put into it- or was putting into it. There were some other things going on tuesday that were stressing me out, and I was extremely depressed over India possibly coming home. It’s not because I don’t want her to come home, because I miss her a lot, but because it means Cody and I have to move out within six weeks essentially. So moving, finals, and everything else…it’s just overwhelming. So I took a bath and grabbed the safety pin and cut before I even thought about what I was doing.

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When Cody got home he wasn’t happy and asked me why I did it. I explained and we talked and everything. We ended up arguing a little later but made up. I yelled at him and he made a comment about my cutting. We both did things wrong but apologized and made up.

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Cody was thinking about getting a second job possibly if need be. I personally would hate it if he had to do that, but again, Cody really wants to be able to financially support us, it’s important to him that he is capable of doing that. I don’t think I posted about Serena’s party, but it was not fun. I was exhausted. But see, Cody told me that to him, he felt like he can’t give me an engagement ring until he feels he can financially support us and that we are stable. To most women maybe it’s not romantic, but to me it was the sweetest thing to hear. I couldn’t believe he felt like he didn’t deserve to marry me if he couldn’t support us financially. I thought it was ridiculous, but I could understand where he was coming from and how he grew up. But it was super sweet because that meant he was serious about marriage and wasn’t taking it lightly. He was really thinking about the reality of it and such, which made me happy. I’ve thought about marriage in the reality way of finances, living situations, career, school etc. and how we would handle all that. I was so happy to see Cody was thinking with the same level of seriousness and maturity.

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But it’s been a stressful week. I hope that this house we see is good because it would be a freaking dream if it was good and worked out. My parents however are being… stubborn? I understand that they have been very understanding about Cody and I living in the attic of their house and financially supporting me with school and such, but they told me they wouldn’t co-sign for any place Cody and I move, and they said Cody’s dad would have to co-sign. So Cody has to mention that to his dad. I just feel like I’ll be less stressed once I know our living situation is secured. I don’t want to feel like we are going to be kicked out with no place to live.

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I feel like instead of having the time to plan our move and everything it is now rushed, which is where my stress is coming from. Before this all happened Cody and I had a plan to move out by next winter, which was nice because it meant Cody had more time to save for rent, and Cody seemed to think prices would be better in winter because no one wants to move when it’s snowing. But life threw us a curve ball, and we are handling it. Cody is completely calm and collected, and I have to say I admire him for that because I am so stressed by this. But then again that is where our personalities differ, which is fine because he keeps me relaxed but I remind him of the realities and that we need to make decisions in a timely manner. But the one thing that made me practically tear up was when Cody said that the only thing that mattered to him was that wherever we moved he wanted to make sure I was safe. He wanted to make sure that he didn’t have to worry about me if I was in the house or apartment alone without him because of crime and such. It was so sweet to hear him say that he would live in a shittier apartment if I was safe because it was a god neighborhood.

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Fingers crossed about this house this saturday, and if not this house, then one of the apartments we will see! Also at the moment I have A’s in all my classes!

XOXO Anna

Improvement, Cody’s Friends, and Sister Drama

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Cody and I had a serious talk as I mentioned and honestly it helped. Cody didn’t go LARPing last weekend. He stayed with me when I asked him to stay. I honestly wasn’t okay, and am so thankful for him to be here. Cody really showed me he was putting in the effort and cared about me by skipping LARP. It really means the world to me. We also had an amazing night going to Stop n Shop together and cooking last weekend. We cuddled, watched TV, and had an amazing time. We also didn’t have sex that weekend but we did other stuff and honestly I felt better doing that than sex at that moment.

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I saw some of Cody’s friends last Saturday. I can’t explain now but I will explain down the line why I was with them. But it was awesome to see them. Things are turning around. I honestly really do have hope about Cody and I getting better now. Him skipping LARP showed me that he really does care and love me.

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This whole week Cody has been amazing in showing me he loves me by just grabbing ginger ale if we are out or giving me a massage surprisingly, or us having sex when I didn’t even expect it which was nice. Cody and I are really actually finally in a good place.

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I am also seeing more of Cody’s friends today, again it’s the thing I can’t mention yet, but then later tonight Cody and I have to go to Serena’s birthday dinner bar hopping thing. Not looking forward to that because we have to drive a half hour to go do that.

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So India and I talked yesterday and she said that since Christmas our whole relationship had been fake. That hurt, because I’ve honestly been trying to show her I care and love her by calling or texting every week and talking about her life and such. It really hurt and I had the urge to cut but I didn’t. I just hope that India and I do actually make up.

XOXO Anna

Breakdown, a Call from my Sister, and Tough Love

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Last night was bad. Really bad. I broke down and it was extremely painful. I was really triggered. Cody and I were getting a drink before we headed home when he picked me up from the station, and I don’t know how but we got onto the topic of sex and blow jobs. Cody got turned on. We went home and I knew he wanted one, and he told me so many times that they weren’t important to him, that I shouldn’t ever give one if I don’t want to ( and he has said all this before, almost every time it’s mentioned) but I felt like I had to. Not because of him, but because of my past. So I gave one to him. When I stopped he knew right away from the look on my face I hadn’t wanted to do it and he got upset because he knew I wasn’t okay.

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I told him I was, he went to parkour, and I had a huge breakdown. I went to the shower to feel clean and I cried. I cried and cried. I screamed a horribly painful scream, that if one heard, they would think that person is in severe pain or being tortured. My screams even scared me. I texted Cody that I wasn’t okay. I eventually called my sister when I got out of the shower because all I wanted to do was self-harm or end it all because I didn’t want to feel all the feelings of abuse from the past.

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My sister had to talk to me, and I could tell something was off. I explained that Cody had told me not to if I didn’t want to, but because of my past I did it anyway. I then told her about Eric and how he shoved my head down and forced me to do that to him, and I think that’s when I could tell something was off with my sister. Eventually I told her I was okay (meaning I wasn’t going to end it all) and I went back to the bath with a safety pin and just cried again, not doing anything to hurt myself but crying. Cody came home and grabbed the safety pin, I screamed because I didn’t realize he was home.

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We ended up talking. My sister texted me for Cody’s number so she could call him and say things she figured I would never say to Cody, and she said she wasn’t going to yell at him. I stupidly believed her. Cody called India and took it in the game room while I sat in the bedroom still trying to calm down from the intense breakdown. At first I thought it was going okay and then I heard Cody say, “Of course I love her. I would never do anything to hurt her, I just want to protect her.” I knew it was going downhill from there. I didn’t hear everything but I was outside the door by the end of the conversation and Cody called me in.

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I sat on his lap and he said, “You’re sister really hates me. She hates me so much that she either wants me to leave you or for me to die.” Cody looked shattered. I know India can be very mean when she is angry. Cody said that from the conversation he had with her, he thinks that a guy forced her to go down on him. It’s true, out of all the times I’ve called her crying because of a trigger she has never called or wanted to talk to Cody until now. So maybe that is what happened. I don’t know, but it’s a suspicion. Cody and I are still shaken by what India said to him, including that he is a terrible human being who is breaking another human being (referring to me) and all this other shit, and saying that he doesn’t deserve me and that he should leave me, or that she thinks I want to leave him but wouldn’t and such. It was a really really intense bad conversation.

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This morning I had another talk with Cody. What my sister said really did hit me. I told Cody that he needed to put more effort in. I told him that if things keep going the way they are now, we really are not going to make it and won’t have a future together. I said that I deserve to be treated with respect, love, and care. I told him I don’t want to leave him, I love him, but I refuse to be with someone who does not respect me or care or love me (not that he doesn’t, he does, he just isn’t or hasn’t been showing it at all.)

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Cody agreed he got complacent, and he isn’t sure what happened or why, but he has promised that he will make the effort. I gave simple examples to him from the beginning of the relationship to now, like how if something was wrong, it didn’t matter what time it was he would be up and talking to me to make sure I didn’t go to bed crying. These days he says he is tired and goes to bed, and I sometimes cry myself to sleep a bit. Cody hated knowing that. That example made it clear to him that he really has gotten lazy with our relationship and he promised me he would do better.

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I really hope he keeps this promise, because I love him, and I would do anything for him, and I just hope he can do the same for me.

XOXO Anna

Trying To Be Strong

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I am giving it my all. I am really trying to move forward with Cody and I know it’s going to take time to get that trust back, but it’s killing me in the meantime. I have to be strong first though. I need to help Cody then I’ll let myself deal. This song helps me though. I love Cody and I know that when in a relationship there is the potential to get hurt. I am not stupid, but I am shocked.

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This morning the urge to cut was so strong. I called my sister and she helped me through it. I was kinda crying on the phone with her. I felt so bad about wanting to cut knowing if I did others would get hurt. Then we continued talking for the next hour about our lives and I told her about the surprise for Cody on saturday and she was happy for me. I even told her that he said he wanted to go ring shopping before the 14th. Don’t worry he is so not proposing by Valentine’s Day. He probably wants to see what rings I like across the board and maybe he will get me something nice for Valentine’s I think. Though I could totally be off base. Maybe he will get me roses and candy which is fine. I don’t need too much to be happy. I just need honesty, trust, support, patience, understanding, and someone who is going to be there.

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Last night Cody and I made a lot of progress though. We had sex twice. First time I had to stop and talk to him because I kept thinking about what he did. After talking we had the most intimate sex of my life. Then later that night we had very hot sex. We’ve taken preventative measures. His phone screen saver is a picture of me, that way if he did get the urge, he would see my face before he did anything. Also the hot sex from last night gave him lots to think about if he does get the urge to masturbate. I am really trying my best to help him understand this. It’s hard on me though. But apparently he said last week he had been thinking about Savannah and the guys that are my friends a lot. He also said maybe he felt slightly not as close, and maybe that’s why the slip-up happened but he doesn’t really know.

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I love him to death but I just at times am overwhelmed with extreme pain and sadness. I still am trying to process and understand how he could do that to me. I know no one is perfect but it’s just difficult. I understand addiction, and that’s why I think I am doing such a great job at helping him and staying strong and not being stupid and retaliate. I just don’t know how to move past this. I am hoping tomorrows therapy session will help a lot.

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I’m just trying to keep it together for Cody’s sake. I won’t give up on him. He feels like crap anytime he sees me depressed. I can’t imagine what he would do if I ended up cutting. I just have to breathe, have faith, and pray that he doesn’t break my heart again.

XOXO Anna

Best Way To Wake Up

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This morning Cody got up at a decent time. I didn’t even have to nag him to get up. He comes back upstairs after he ate breakfast and we have a really nice talk. It started with me asking if he was really sure about me. He said yes. Then we just started talking about things that we liked about each other and how happy we made each other. Plus the kissing in between was nice. And we were playful too, and I love that about us.

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Really what got me thinking about this stuff was seeing Serena yesterday. She told me she was scrolling through Facebook and she said she commented on a picture of us to her boyfriend and said, “I bet they’re going to get married.”

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When she said that, I was like, “well…Cody did say he wanted to get me a ring when he can afford one, which would be at least six months minimum.” She was happy to hear that and told me that she wanted to be a bridesmaid. I told her of course she was going to be one. Hell it was her and one of Cody’s friends that introduced us. Without them we would have never met. But Serena was like, “The engagement better be long.” I told her if we got engaged within the next year we wouldn’t get married until we graduate college, so that’s three years from now, and she was happy with that answer.

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She realized that she wants to finally breakup with her boyfriend. There have been so many times where she will be like, “I want to break up with him” and then she never does it, but she is doing it this time. She finally realized she deserves better. Hell her boyfriend is an ass. He manipulates her into sex. She was working two jobs and had finals a couple weeks ago and she was exhausted and stressed so much that she was puking one morning at 4 AM and then the next morning her boyfriend asks her to have sex. She told him she was sick, and he said, “Oh you should go get some alkaseltzer.” He didn’t offer to get it for her and he pressured her for sex. She told me she has only had sex with him because he nags her for it. I honestly told her a while ago I wasn’t a fan of him and it was wrong of him to be constantly asking for sex when she said she doesn’t want to. I am just happy that she finally got to the place where she was ready to accept that they aren’t good for each other even if she loves him.

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But this morning was nice. I talked to Cody about the future and future possible things that could come up that could cause tension and I wanted to make sure he was thinking seriously and not totally romantically when he says he wants to be with me forever. He told me in response, “Anna, we’ve already been through a hard time.”

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He was referring to my sister and that situation. It’s true though. Cody and I have been through a really hard time, and during the beginning half of our relationship. We made it through that pretty damn well I would say. But it’s true, he has been there during my PTSD and anorexia. He was there when my family was falling a part. We’ve already been through a lot and we’ve managed to stay strong. I am confident in us.

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The one thing that I told Cody was that I am uncomfortable being comfortable. I am more comfortable when I am in pain or just in discomfort. Like, if I’m in discomfort something already isn’t going right so maybe somehow that would mean that something else can’t go wrong. I know irrational, but I guess it was the way I coped growing up. Trying to control the uncontrolable. I am not used to being happy and comfortable and for once in my life I have been since I’ve met Cody. I told him I’m still not used to it. He said I would eventually get used to it. It’s just very strange for me to have things going right. With Cody in my life, things have been going right. The only thing that I worry about sometimes is losing what I have with Cody. I truly can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t imagine us breaking up. Just thinking about it hurts. But I have met the guy of my dreams. Seriously, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be with Cody.

XOXO Anna

 

 

Going Back to GA on Sunday

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I am totally excited about GA! I am so happy to being Quick Silver and Andy! I’ve missed them like crazy. I’ll also be seeing Ethan…so that will be interesting. I am excited to show Cody everything and show him off to my friends.

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The only thing is I am crazy anxious about being triggered. What if I see Owen? What if I see Peter DJing some club? I doubt Monster would be there, but still.

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I hate that the place I love and miss brings such anxiety. I have been going through my blog and editing each and every post so it’s in categories, which was something I should have done ages ago. And re-reading some of my old posts made me sad. I read a post where I was talking about being freaked out about being hit on in Panera.

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I just hope that when Cody and I get to Savannah I don’t freak. I want to enjoy this vacation and not have to worry about my safety or being triggered, and more to the point, Cody shouldn’t have to worry about me being triggered. It’s not his job.

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It’s sweet that he wants to take care of me and all, but I am used to being in Savannah and dealing with it on my own unless I ask for help. Cody helps even when not asked, which I am not used to. It’s sweet, but sometimes I just feel so bad because I do feel like I’m a burden or it’s too much even if he doesn’t. Like I don’t want to be a downer.

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I want to be able for Cody not to worry. Like even tonight he was worried about me because Jack Daniels is kind of a trigger for me so he lied about it and when we got to his house I saw a bottle that he dad got. He said he lied because he was worried it would make me want to drink or something. I really hate that he worried about me. It’s sweet, but I can handle myself. Or if I can’t, then let me drown myself in my destruction until I get through it on my own. Yeah, I know self-destruction is not good, but sometimes I just want to do what I want even if it’s not the healthiest.

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But Cody loves me so much that he won’t let me self-destruct, which I am thankful for. But damn do I feel guilty about still wanting to at times. And yeah, I really don’t feel like I deserve someone as good as Cody. I mean, why do I deserve someone like Cody? I’ve been treated like crap by every guy…so why do I deserve the good treatment? I am not used to it at all, even after six months.

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Also India and her boyfriend left this morning, so it’s been strange to not have her around. I really wanted to breakdown this morning at 5:30 AM when I said goodbye. I haven’t cried yet, but it’s only a matter of time before I cry.

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I just am going into the new year hoping that things with my sister continue to get better, that Cody and I still remain good and happy, and that college goes well. If all that happens I will consider myself lucky.

Hope everyone has a good new year!

XOXO Anna

Day 8

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India is mad at me. The past couple days I’ve given her space, as in trying not to be at the house. She is mad because I haven’t been around. I only did that because she was crying the other night and really upset at dad and me.

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No matter what I do, it’s wrong. I don’t know how I can please her, or make her understand that I love her and care about her. Our family friend just arrived and now India is hanging out with her.

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There’s only two days left with India in town and I don’t know what to do to make things right before she leaves.

XOXO Anna

Day 6

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Lots has happened since I last posted. After I posted last I broke down completely. India came up to the attic to check on me. I poured my heart out to her and we seemed to be in a better place after that.

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I spent Christmas eve with Cody and his family. I met his grandparents. Dinner sucked though. Cody and I got into…or well Cody did something that hurt me but no worries we are good now. But I really wasn’t sure for a while. I really wanted to self harm but I couldn’t because I was at the dinner table when it all went down. I started using my wrist band and snapping it against my wrist just so I could focus on that so I wouldn’t break down at the dinner table. After a while that didn’t cut it and I held the band tightly against my skin and rubbed it back and forth on my wrist. I did it too much and broke skin. My wrist still hurts which sucks, but whatever at least I didn’t “really” self-harm.

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Anyways, Christmas was good. I woke up and spent the first half at my house with my family and then went to Cody’s house to spend the rest of Christmas with his family. Christmas morning I talked to my dad about what happened with Cody and he is the one who helped me get over it or at least be okay about it. India bought Cody a present and she even wrote him a note. That was huge for her. When my dad was wrapping Cody’s gift he asked if he should write from “the in-laws” which I said I think Cody would like. That’s my dad’s sense of humor for you.

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Christmas at Cody’s was amazing. His family rocks. I met his aunts, uncles, and cousins. He has a big family and half of them weren’t even at the Christmas dinner. I loved my Christmas with them. I even ate normally! It was amazing. Like, growing up, I always wanted a big family and never had one and last night I knew what it was like to have a big family so to speak and it was really fun.

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I got home today and things went back to hell. See, tonight was supposed to be hibachi with India, her boyfriend and me. But this morning before I got home my mom called me and said that Cody, me, them, and my granddad were going out to dinner. I assumed that my mom had spoken to my sister. But then I got a text from India asking me to make reservations for us tonight because she, her boyfriend, and friend were joining dinner with us.

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My sister is not ready to be in a room with Cody so I figured some miscommunications had happened. Getting home I said, “there’s been miscommunication.” I talked to my parents in the upstairs TV room, and my sister’s room is down the hall so she heard everything. She got the impression that I wanted to have dinner with Cody more than with her. She was crying and I went to her room to talk to her and she was yelling at me. My dad intervened and said some stuff that I personally knew was probably the wrong thing to say in the situation. My sister got really hurt when he said that we were all on pins and needles since she’s gotten home.

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It’s true though, we all don’t know what will make her explode. She all have tried to be cautious with our actions and words. Though I’ve mentioned Cody a lot and that’s only to get her to be desensitized, which I explained to her days ago.

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So today’s plans have totally fallen apart. My sister, her boyfriend, and friend are doing hibachi without me. My parents cancelled our dinner so Cody and I are back at his house now and his dad is going to make us dinner.

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It’s crazy how something as simple as miscommunications about plans made us loose the progress we’ve made over the past 6 days. I honestly thought I was getting my sister back. I actually had hope. Now… everything feels crushed. My family is hoping that she calms down by tomorrow and that we can all be peaceful again.

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Cody and I might have a poker night, finally, but not sure yet. Hopefully the rest of today goes well…

XOXO Anna

Day 3

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I got home around 11 and saw India and her boyfriend in the kitchen. After I came down from showering India said she and him were going Christmas shopping for all of us. I told her what I knew no one had gotten me yet and what was already bought for our parents.

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I went to my parents office for their Christmas party and saw Cody. While we were there India called me and asked me about what Cody would want as a Christmas gift. Now if you’ve read some of my posts about what’s been going on in our family with India, you will know that she really dislikes Cody, with a burning passion it seems. So when she called to ask what he would want for Christmas, I was floored! Maybe it’s because she saw the present he got her, and she liked it until I told her it was from him. I don’t know, but it’s progress.

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Tonight we have a family friends dinner and I am hoping that goes well. Cody is Christmas shopping today and after I blog I might go upstairs and use the xbox one that Cody and I got together and play GTA. I am a complete noob when it comes to gaming, so hopefully I can figure it out on my own.

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Maybe I’ll post later if things change, but I am probably staying at Cody’s house again. Hoping everyone is having a great holiday season!

XOXO Anna

Day 2

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Last night was pretty bad after I posted. I almost self-harmed and India said she wanted a flight out of here. I went over to Cody’s and it saved me. I felt safe and loved.

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Cody was so happy to see me. We cuddled and talked and he gave me the twin mattress and he slept on the floor. Today has been better though.

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When I got home from therapy I talked to India. We had a real conversation about her feelings and everything that happened. She still didn’t answer all my questions. I told her half the things I wrote in the letter to her. I gave the letter to her boyfriend this morning and told him to read it and to give it to her when he thinks she is ready to read it.

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Then after India and I talked she wanted to re-dye her hair and we did that together. It was so nice because that is our thing and we did it and we talked a lot. She told me all about her new life and the people she has met. I told her that all that I cared about was that she was happy.

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Things are looking up for day 2! My granddad will arrive within the hour. I’ll spend time with the family before I go to parkour with Cody, and then if things are still good I will probably sleep at my house tonight. I’m hoping that I keep making progress with India through this trip because I’ve gotten some of those old moments back with her today and it felt great.

XOXO Anna

My Sisters Home

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Cody was leaving just as my dad pulled in the driveway with my sister and her boyfriend. I don’t even remember if I said “I love you” to Cody before he left. He was really nervous when leaving too. I’ve never seen him like that. I was nervous also. The condition for my sister to come home was that Cody had to move out of our house while she was here.

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I tried saying “hi” to my sister and she old her boyfriend, “I just can’t deal with her right now” in an angry/annoyed tone. That hurt. It took me a while to be able to enter the kitchen where everyone was eating dinner. I finally entered and when mom was going to make me food I said I might just go out to eat. Mom told me I’m not allowed to leave the house. My sister was like, “Please let her go. That would be great.” That also hurt. I am not being acknowledged by her. She tried petting Luvas and playing with him but he is nervous around her. The only people he loves and is okay around is Cody and me.

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I decided to stay in for dinner. Probably not going to eat much… not in the mood to eat though I’m starving. It was also surreal to see my sister drinking beer at dinner. I remember how she used to be so against drinking and drugs and all that stuff. I really want a drink right now, hence why I wanted to go out to dinner. There’s no alcohol at the house I want to drink. But knowing how much of a light weight I am I wouldn’t be able to drive home after having a glass or two of proseco for a while. I didn’t want to go out to eat alone and sit at a restaurant alone waiting for the alcohol to subside.

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It’s day one. Nine more days to survive. I want to be able to give my sister this letter I wrote her. I hope I get the chance to, and I hope she actually reads it and doesn’t tear it into pieces.

Dear India,

I am sorry for making you feel abandoned. At least that’s what I am assuming you felt. If I made you feel that way I cannot tell you enough how terribly sorry I am. I know you say words are meaningless from me, but I hope that you can see that I am writing from my heart.

I am sorry that when I met Cody I wasn’t there for you. I am sorry I didn’t see the signs. I want you to know that I am here for you if you do ever want to talk. I know you have people for that, but if you ever do want to, I am here. If not, then that’s okay too.

I don’t know how I can make any of this right, but I want to try to make it right with you, if you want to. I am ready when you are. If you’re not ready to talk to me right now then that’s okay. I’ll be here when you are ready. And if you’re not ready to read this, then feel free to stop right now and put this away for another day when you might want to read this.

I want you to know how proud of you I am though. You have been so strong, and have been an inspiration. Sometimes I wish I had the courage that you have, especially when it comes to mom and dad. I know we aren’t on good terms right now but I want to tell you how amazing it has been to have you as my sister.

For one thing you are the funniest person I know. You always make me and people around you laugh and that’s one of my favorite things about you. You know I am not funny, and I have always envied how you seem to just do it so naturally. Honestly it’s a great quality and I hope you are still making everyone in your life laugh, including yourself.

You are always there. Ever since my trauma’s and my anorexia, when I asked for help or just needed someone to talk to you were there without judgement. You told me that everything was okay and what I was feeling was valid. That was exactly what I needed to hear since everyone else was telling me otherwise. I know that if you’re there for me like that that your friends are some of the luckiest people. Having someone who is so caring in their lives is amazing. If you treat them anything like you treat me when I am down then they have the best thing in the world- someone who genuinely cares and is patient and understanding.

Another thing I love about you is that you know what you want and you won’t let anyone else change your mind. I personally am easily swayed sometimes when people comment on my decisions, but you don’t let others opinions change anything. I like that you are that confident in yourself and your decisions. Your confidence is great and I hope you are keeping that up.

You don’t judge when someone opens up to you. I know many times I’ve been scared to open up because I am terrified that someone will judge what I am thinking or feeling, but you don’t. You can be very understanding and create a comforting environment where I feel safe enough to open up. Most people I know don’t know how to create that environment or even that kind of relationship with another person where the other feels safe enough to do so.

I am so lucky to have had you in my life. You’ve made me a better person through knowing you. You call me on my bullshit and that is another great quality. You have been a huge influence. Sometimes I think to myself “What would India do” or “How would India feel” when I am trying to decide something and get stuck. Your opinions and thoughts matter a lot to me. Maybe this is all one sided, but I wanted to let you know all this in case things between us don’t get better down the road. I miss you and love you so much. I really wish I could go back in time and change things. I know that’s not a possibility so I am going to focus on changing the future, our future.

I want to be someone worthy of having you in my life. In the past my actions might have made you feel taken for granted and if that’s the case I apologize. You are one of the most important people in my life and I want you to know that. I don’t know what actions I have to take to show that to you, but I won’t stop trying. If I fail to show you then I will try something else until I find something that works.

I’ve never been good at knowing what to do in situations where there’s conflict. The one thing I know I am good at is writing letters from my heart. This is my attempt to show you how much I care and love you. If this doesn’t work I will try something else. I just hope one day we can get on better terms.

If we don’t get past this then these past twenty years with you have been a privilege. It’s been a fun ride with great memories and stories that I’ll never forget and I’ll smile at when remembering them. If you want to talk I’m always here even if it’s twenty years down the line, I’ll always be here, waiting for you.

I love you with all my heart,

Anna

I hope she does end up reading it if I give it to her.

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Sitting alone at the dinner table now, waiting for dinner. The pain I feel sucks. The feeling of being alone also sucks. The feeling of being scared in your own house sucks. I hate walking on egg shells in my house. I hate the fact that I want to hide in the attic and am scared to leave it because my sister and her boyfriend are here. I hate feeling scared in this house again. It’s been at least five years since I’ve felt scared in my house, and it’s been great to not be scared. I feel like an outsider in this house right now. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like it would be best if I left. But it’s day one. I have to stay. I have to try. I have to push through all this bullshit.

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My sister came in and was asking mom to make tea, and mom told her she could do it and I asked for some too. I told my sister she didn’t have to make me any but she did. She actually responded to a question I asked her. Improvement.

XOXO Anna

Holiday Anxieties

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Holidays are a great time of year where family gets together and celebrates, but this year for my family it’s tough. I haven’t really talked to my parents about their opinion and thoughts on my sister coming home with her boyfriend after running away.

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I know I’ve written a bit about this, but my anxieties are getting overwhelming. She arrives on the 21st, so I’ve got basically a week before she is home and Cody is kicked out. Part of me is so happy that she will be home, and part of me is terrified.

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I miss her SO much and being able to see her will be one of the best Christmas presents I could ask for. I figure she will be ignoring me for the first few days and I know that will be torture, not like all of this hasn’t already been torture, but at least it’s been torture from a far so it hasn’t had the worst affects on me. I just want to be able to talk to her and have a real conversation. I hope that she is civil with all of us.

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We as a family know that we all failed her in our own way and all we want to do is make it up to her. We want her to know that we are here for her no matter what and we love her so much. We just hope that she gives us the chance to prove that to her.

She is one of the most stubborn people I know, and being stubborn isn’t a bad quality necessarily, but she has taken it to a whole new level. Almost half a year has gone by…. it’s insane when I think about it. Not being able to talk to her and hang out with her for that long…it’s painful.

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Emotional pain is much worse than physical pain in my opinion, or at least it can be. I rather have broken my leg than go through this. Being in such intense emotional pain for this long is devastating. Cody has been amazing through all of this. He is understanding and patient. There are days where I’ve been suicidal, there have been days where all I wanted to do was cut, and there have been days where all I wanted to do was cry all day because of this thing with my sister. Six months of that is a lot.Of course it’s not everyday I feel those things but if I added up the days it would at least be three weeks of it.

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I constantly feel guilty. I feel like if only I saw the signs earlier or if I had really pushed my sister to talk maybe I could have helped or she would have opened up. But my sister is a closed book. She has walls sky high, and when she thinks someone is trying to help her she shuts as tight as a clam would. She puts up this impenetrable force to keep everyone out. I refuse to give up trying to make things better with her. I don’t care how much of a wall she puts up I won’t stop trying to help her and be there for her when she is ready to accept it. That’s the key though, I have to try and fail over and over until she one day is ready to let me in.

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I think my worst fear is losing her forever. I honestly don’t know how to live without her. She has been a huge part of my life. She has been my person. She has been the ONE person who never made me feel bad about my anorexia or PTSD or any of my issues. I just don’t know what to do to fix all of this. I’ve thought about it so many times. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am always doing the wrong thing. Not talking to her would be wrong, but then texting her with her ignoring me also feels wrong. I can’t figure out if she wants me to keep trying or if I should just leave her alone. If it were me I would want the person to keep trying to show me that they care, so that’s why I continue to text her. I want her to know I care.

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I don’t know what to do or how to handle her coming home at all. I am at a complete loss. I feel like I am blind and any move I make could be fatal. But I keep trying because I care, and I want her to know that I do. I feel like there’s nothing I can do at the moment to get through to her and that’s one of the hardest things.

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I also feel guilty because I feel like maybe she ran away because of how close Cody and I got in the beginning of our relationship and how I kinda totally ditched her. She keeps thinking I was choosing between Cody and her but she is wrong. I was choosing between myself and her. I never put myself first, and I finally did when I met Cody because I knew there was something special about him, and I wanted to give myself a chance at real true happiness. I feel terrible that me putting myself first hurt my sister so deeply. I don’t know how I can explain it to her or how she can forgive me. I don’t know how to forgive myself I think.

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Sorry that it’s such a long post, I just had to get my thoughts out so I could understand them better. I think I just have to give her space for the first couple days and then continue to try to see if she is willing to talk to me, let alone be in the same room as me. I know that healing and forgiveness can be a long process and I know that her coming home for Christmas doesn’t mean everything will go back to the way things used to be, but maybe it will be a step in the right direction.

XOXO Anna

Food, Family, and Luvas

I called Renfrew today to let them know I’m not coming back. I left a voicemail so I’ll get a call later today from them asking for an explanation probably.

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Also last night sucked. I asked my mom to make me pasta, and well she made dinner for everyone else but me. Cody had to make me pasta after he found me crying. I also called my sister last night, and that was bad. See when growing up my mom would often forget to feed me, especially the carb part of the dinner. And once I knew I had anorexia my sister really stood up to my mom and told her that I needed carbs as much as any other food.

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So I called her and asked how she was doing but she could tell I was crying and I told her mom was being mom. I proceeded to ask again what was going on with her. She then said the only reason she answered my call was to make sure no one died in my family and hung up on me.

That’s when I really cried and Cody came over and he made me food after I told him what happened.

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Today has been better. I went to therapy and talked about it. When I got home I found out that Luvas got outside and I almost had a panic attack. He has gotten outside before and will often just hide in the bushes near the door and cry until I pick him up by the scruff and put him back in, but he had gotten out while I was out. My mom and I went outside and searched around the house. He was in the backyard hiding in the bushes near the bird feeder. When he heard me calling his name he started crying and that’s how I found him.

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I was so scared. I noticed when he was inside that his eye was irritated because he kept it more shut than the other. Now I am hoping that he doesn’t have an infection or something. Luvas is supposed to be an indoor cat because I know I’m not going to be living in my parents house forever with a nice yard. When Cody and I move out to an apartment Luvas won’t be able to go outside because we won’t have a yard, not until Cody and I move into a house or something which would be years down the line, so I don’t want Luvas getting used to going outside when I know he won’t be able to when Cody and I eventually move out.

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I am hoping that the rest of the week isn’t too hectic. We ended up having brunch yesterday with Cody’s dad, sister, and brother. That was really nice and tomorrow Cody and me are meeting his mom for happy hour. I’m really excited about that because I really like Cody’s mom!

Hope everyone has a good week! 🙂

XOXO Anna

 

 

 

It’s December!

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Happy Holidays to everyone! I know it’s early but I am actually excited for Christmas this year. If you’ve read my blog, you would know that Halloween is my favorite holiday. I am not the biggest fan of Christmas. I love that it brings family together but this year my Christmas is going to be different.

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For one thing I am using the money I earned to buy my gifts for people. I always used my parents money to buy gifts because I had none of my own, and honestly it feels really good to use my own money to buy things for others. I have gotten Cody three things so far. I got his sister and dad a gift  also. I still need to get his brother his gift, and Cody and I will do a combined gift for his mom. I have to get my granddad, mom, dad, and sister a present too.

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I am excited because on Christmas morning after I open presents at my house, I’ll be heading to Cody’s house to spend the rest of Christmas with his family and open and give presents over there. I am nervous about my Christmas because my sister will be coming home.

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If you’ve read my blog you know the situation with my sister, if not, read this. That is the first post I made about the situation with my sister. Lots has happened since that first post. My sister is finally coming home with that guy that she met online and stayed with. Also they are a couple now. So that’s new. She won’t talk to me still. Ignores all my texts. So I am terrified for her to come home. I just hope she doesn’t ignore me.

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Cody has to stay at his house while she is here. That was her condition for coming home. If things get too hectic at my house I’m going to stay with Cody at his house while she is here. Cody is more than welcome to come over whenever my sister and her boyfriend go to NYC for the day. I am excited for Cody to meet my granddad. I hope they like each other.

I am not very materialistic and the things I would like for Christmas are probably near impossible to have. I miss my sister and I miss our relationship and how things used to be. All I want for Christmas is for me and my sister to be on better terms.

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I am truly excited though to be spending Christmas with Cody’s family. It will be so nice to just be with Cody on Christmas 🙂

XOXO Anna

Figured It Out

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I’ve written about how things have been hectic with my sister running away, but until today I never knew why everything about it was bothering me so much.

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Ever since she has left it’s as if my family has been slowly falling a part. There has been no constant. By that I mean, no person who is constantly there or reliable. Besides Cody. My sister used to be my constant. I knew that no matter what happened or how far away we were if I really needed her she would be there for me. But given everything that’s happened she obviously isn’t my constant anymore.

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My parents never were constants. I am not saying that they are bad or anything but my mom, well, I never know if she is going to have my back or criticize me first. My dad is better though, for the most part I know that he will be there, but will mention some criticism. But my sister…she never judged or criticized me when I went to her with things.

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But she’s gone now. I mean, she’s alive and all, but it honestly feels as if she is dead. I feel like I am mourning her, and have been for the past couple months. Maybe, to those who’ve been reading my posts, you realized that I was mourning her, but that’s not what I’ve figured out. I partly already knew that, but didn’t want to admit it.

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What I figured out, was going through all this, having my parents be on her side and me being kinda out of the loop with this… it really does feel like our family is falling a part. It feels as if I don’t have a family right now, and that is really sad.

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My therapist said to me today if anything about my adoption had come up, and it has. This whole family mess that we are going through has definitely brought up my feelings from being adopted. I feel so many things right now.

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I feel terrified that everything is truly going to fall apart. I feel scared that everyone is going to leave me (whether it actually be physically or emotionally or mentally). I know Cody says he is going to stay by my side and we are going to get through all this together… and it’s nice to hear, but part of me feels scared. Scared because Cody in a way has taken my sister’s place…as in he is my constant. I’ve had multiple people be my constants throughout the past couple years, Ethan, Eric, my sister, and some others but every one of them left or betrayed me. Part of me is dead terrified to think what would happen if Cody and I broke up because reality is I know exactly what I would do if Cody and I ever break up…and that’s whats scary. I know how deeply I would feel that pain. Just as deeply as I am feeling the pain that’s come from my sister leaving me.

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My parents are out of town right now. My sister doesn’t answer my texts. I am spending Thanksgiving with Cody and his family. I don’t know if this is strange to say but growing up, because my parents were busy with work, my sister and I would usually be with friends and their families a lot. I know that I can think of two families from my childhood who still feel like they are family to me. I feel like if I needed I could call them up and ask if I could come over to visit and talk and maybe just stay the night if things ever got bad and I needed to escape.

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I grew up knowing I was adopted and I knew that blood did not make a family. Because I didn’t really attach to my mom, I seemed to attach to my friends moms easily. I love my mom, I do, but part of me doesn’t understand her at times. We just don’t connect because we can be very different when emotions come up. She handles it by not talking about whatever is going on. If the topic is brought up she would tell us to stop talking about it. That’s how she handles things and for me, when I try to come to her with emotional things, it must bring up stuff for her, because she dismisses my feelings or thoughts at times. It hurts.

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I feel very disconnected from my family right now. The only person I feel close to right now is Cody, and that scares me. I mean, yay whoopee I am close to my boyfriend which is kind of how it’s supposed to be in a relationship- but- it’s scary because I feel as if I have no one else.

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I want to feel like I have my parents. I want to feel like I have my sister. I want to feel as if I had my family. I mean, is it sad to feel like your boyfriends family is more accepting of you and wants to spend time with you than your own family?

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So much adoption stuff is going on in my head. I’ve been thinking about it all day ever since I got out of therapy. I even took a nap to try to just turn my mind off for a bit.But I am awake and thinking about how this family situation is making me feel alone. I feel so alone and scared it’s not even funny. I feel like I have no family, and my whole life family has been the most important thing to me. I don’t know what to do with my feelings, or what I am supposed to get from all this, but at least I figured out why I’ve been so upset. It makes a lot more sense now.

XOXO Anna