Best Way To Wake Up

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This morning Cody got up at a decent time. I didn’t even have to nag him to get up. He comes back upstairs after he ate breakfast and we have a really nice talk. It started with me asking if he was really sure about me. He said yes. Then we just started talking about things that we liked about each other and how happy we made each other. Plus the kissing in between was nice. And we were playful too, and I love that about us.

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Really what got me thinking about this stuff was seeing Serena yesterday. She told me she was scrolling through Facebook and she said she commented on a picture of us to her boyfriend and said, “I bet they’re going to get married.”

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When she said that, I was like, “well…Cody did say he wanted to get me a ring when he can afford one, which would be at least six months minimum.” She was happy to hear that and told me that she wanted to be a bridesmaid. I told her of course she was going to be one. Hell it was her and one of Cody’s friends that introduced us. Without them we would have never met. But Serena was like, “The engagement better be long.” I told her if we got engaged within the next year we wouldn’t get married until we graduate college, so that’s three years from now, and she was happy with that answer.

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She realized that she wants to finally breakup with her boyfriend. There have been so many times where she will be like, “I want to break up with him” and then she never does it, but she is doing it this time. She finally realized she deserves better. Hell her boyfriend is an ass. He manipulates her into sex. She was working two jobs and had finals a couple weeks ago and she was exhausted and stressed so much that she was puking one morning at 4 AM and then the next morning her boyfriend asks her to have sex. She told him she was sick, and he said, “Oh you should go get some alkaseltzer.” He didn’t offer to get it for her and he pressured her for sex. She told me she has only had sex with him because he nags her for it. I honestly told her a while ago I wasn’t a fan of him and it was wrong of him to be constantly asking for sex when she said she doesn’t want to. I am just happy that she finally got to the place where she was ready to accept that they aren’t good for each other even if she loves him.

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But this morning was nice. I talked to Cody about the future and future possible things that could come up that could cause tension and I wanted to make sure he was thinking seriously and not totally romantically when he says he wants to be with me forever. He told me in response, “Anna, we’ve already been through a hard time.”

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He was referring to my sister and that situation. It’s true though. Cody and I have been through a really hard time, and during the beginning half of our relationship. We made it through that pretty damn well I would say. But it’s true, he has been there during my PTSD and anorexia. He was there when my family was falling a part. We’ve already been through a lot and we’ve managed to stay strong. I am confident in us.

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The one thing that I told Cody was that I am uncomfortable being comfortable. I am more comfortable when I am in pain or just in discomfort. Like, if I’m in discomfort something already isn’t going right so maybe somehow that would mean that something else can’t go wrong. I know irrational, but I guess it was the way I coped growing up. Trying to control the uncontrolable. I am not used to being happy and comfortable and for once in my life I have been since I’ve met Cody. I told him I’m still not used to it. He said I would eventually get used to it. It’s just very strange for me to have things going right. With Cody in my life, things have been going right. The only thing that I worry about sometimes is losing what I have with Cody. I truly can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t imagine us breaking up. Just thinking about it hurts. But I have met the guy of my dreams. Seriously, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be with Cody.

XOXO Anna

 

 

Day 8

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India is mad at me. The past couple days I’ve given her space, as in trying not to be at the house. She is mad because I haven’t been around. I only did that because she was crying the other night and really upset at dad and me.

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No matter what I do, it’s wrong. I don’t know how I can please her, or make her understand that I love her and care about her. Our family friend just arrived and now India is hanging out with her.

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There’s only two days left with India in town and I don’t know what to do to make things right before she leaves.

XOXO Anna

Day 6

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Lots has happened since I last posted. After I posted last I broke down completely. India came up to the attic to check on me. I poured my heart out to her and we seemed to be in a better place after that.

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I spent Christmas eve with Cody and his family. I met his grandparents. Dinner sucked though. Cody and I got into…or well Cody did something that hurt me but no worries we are good now. But I really wasn’t sure for a while. I really wanted to self harm but I couldn’t because I was at the dinner table when it all went down. I started using my wrist band and snapping it against my wrist just so I could focus on that so I wouldn’t break down at the dinner table. After a while that didn’t cut it and I held the band tightly against my skin and rubbed it back and forth on my wrist. I did it too much and broke skin. My wrist still hurts which sucks, but whatever at least I didn’t “really” self-harm.

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Anyways, Christmas was good. I woke up and spent the first half at my house with my family and then went to Cody’s house to spend the rest of Christmas with his family. Christmas morning I talked to my dad about what happened with Cody and he is the one who helped me get over it or at least be okay about it. India bought Cody a present and she even wrote him a note. That was huge for her. When my dad was wrapping Cody’s gift he asked if he should write from “the in-laws” which I said I think Cody would like. That’s my dad’s sense of humor for you.

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Christmas at Cody’s was amazing. His family rocks. I met his aunts, uncles, and cousins. He has a big family and half of them weren’t even at the Christmas dinner. I loved my Christmas with them. I even ate normally! It was amazing. Like, growing up, I always wanted a big family and never had one and last night I knew what it was like to have a big family so to speak and it was really fun.

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I got home today and things went back to hell. See, tonight was supposed to be hibachi with India, her boyfriend and me. But this morning before I got home my mom called me and said that Cody, me, them, and my granddad were going out to dinner. I assumed that my mom had spoken to my sister. But then I got a text from India asking me to make reservations for us tonight because she, her boyfriend, and friend were joining dinner with us.

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My sister is not ready to be in a room with Cody so I figured some miscommunications had happened. Getting home I said, “there’s been miscommunication.” I talked to my parents in the upstairs TV room, and my sister’s room is down the hall so she heard everything. She got the impression that I wanted to have dinner with Cody more than with her. She was crying and I went to her room to talk to her and she was yelling at me. My dad intervened and said some stuff that I personally knew was probably the wrong thing to say in the situation. My sister got really hurt when he said that we were all on pins and needles since she’s gotten home.

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It’s true though, we all don’t know what will make her explode. She all have tried to be cautious with our actions and words. Though I’ve mentioned Cody a lot and that’s only to get her to be desensitized, which I explained to her days ago.

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So today’s plans have totally fallen apart. My sister, her boyfriend, and friend are doing hibachi without me. My parents cancelled our dinner so Cody and I are back at his house now and his dad is going to make us dinner.

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It’s crazy how something as simple as miscommunications about plans made us loose the progress we’ve made over the past 6 days. I honestly thought I was getting my sister back. I actually had hope. Now… everything feels crushed. My family is hoping that she calms down by tomorrow and that we can all be peaceful again.

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Cody and I might have a poker night, finally, but not sure yet. Hopefully the rest of today goes well…

XOXO Anna

Day 3

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I got home around 11 and saw India and her boyfriend in the kitchen. After I came down from showering India said she and him were going Christmas shopping for all of us. I told her what I knew no one had gotten me yet and what was already bought for our parents.

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I went to my parents office for their Christmas party and saw Cody. While we were there India called me and asked me about what Cody would want as a Christmas gift. Now if you’ve read some of my posts about what’s been going on in our family with India, you will know that she really dislikes Cody, with a burning passion it seems. So when she called to ask what he would want for Christmas, I was floored! Maybe it’s because she saw the present he got her, and she liked it until I told her it was from him. I don’t know, but it’s progress.

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Tonight we have a family friends dinner and I am hoping that goes well. Cody is Christmas shopping today and after I blog I might go upstairs and use the xbox one that Cody and I got together and play GTA. I am a complete noob when it comes to gaming, so hopefully I can figure it out on my own.

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Maybe I’ll post later if things change, but I am probably staying at Cody’s house again. Hoping everyone is having a great holiday season!

XOXO Anna

Day 2

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Last night was pretty bad after I posted. I almost self-harmed and India said she wanted a flight out of here. I went over to Cody’s and it saved me. I felt safe and loved.

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Cody was so happy to see me. We cuddled and talked and he gave me the twin mattress and he slept on the floor. Today has been better though.

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When I got home from therapy I talked to India. We had a real conversation about her feelings and everything that happened. She still didn’t answer all my questions. I told her half the things I wrote in the letter to her. I gave the letter to her boyfriend this morning and told him to read it and to give it to her when he thinks she is ready to read it.

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Then after India and I talked she wanted to re-dye her hair and we did that together. It was so nice because that is our thing and we did it and we talked a lot. She told me all about her new life and the people she has met. I told her that all that I cared about was that she was happy.

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Things are looking up for day 2! My granddad will arrive within the hour. I’ll spend time with the family before I go to parkour with Cody, and then if things are still good I will probably sleep at my house tonight. I’m hoping that I keep making progress with India through this trip because I’ve gotten some of those old moments back with her today and it felt great.

XOXO Anna

My Sisters Home

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Cody was leaving just as my dad pulled in the driveway with my sister and her boyfriend. I don’t even remember if I said “I love you” to Cody before he left. He was really nervous when leaving too. I’ve never seen him like that. I was nervous also. The condition for my sister to come home was that Cody had to move out of our house while she was here.

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I tried saying “hi” to my sister and she old her boyfriend, “I just can’t deal with her right now” in an angry/annoyed tone. That hurt. It took me a while to be able to enter the kitchen where everyone was eating dinner. I finally entered and when mom was going to make me food I said I might just go out to eat. Mom told me I’m not allowed to leave the house. My sister was like, “Please let her go. That would be great.” That also hurt. I am not being acknowledged by her. She tried petting Luvas and playing with him but he is nervous around her. The only people he loves and is okay around is Cody and me.

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I decided to stay in for dinner. Probably not going to eat much… not in the mood to eat though I’m starving. It was also surreal to see my sister drinking beer at dinner. I remember how she used to be so against drinking and drugs and all that stuff. I really want a drink right now, hence why I wanted to go out to dinner. There’s no alcohol at the house I want to drink. But knowing how much of a light weight I am I wouldn’t be able to drive home after having a glass or two of proseco for a while. I didn’t want to go out to eat alone and sit at a restaurant alone waiting for the alcohol to subside.

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It’s day one. Nine more days to survive. I want to be able to give my sister this letter I wrote her. I hope I get the chance to, and I hope she actually reads it and doesn’t tear it into pieces.

Dear India,

I am sorry for making you feel abandoned. At least that’s what I am assuming you felt. If I made you feel that way I cannot tell you enough how terribly sorry I am. I know you say words are meaningless from me, but I hope that you can see that I am writing from my heart.

I am sorry that when I met Cody I wasn’t there for you. I am sorry I didn’t see the signs. I want you to know that I am here for you if you do ever want to talk. I know you have people for that, but if you ever do want to, I am here. If not, then that’s okay too.

I don’t know how I can make any of this right, but I want to try to make it right with you, if you want to. I am ready when you are. If you’re not ready to talk to me right now then that’s okay. I’ll be here when you are ready. And if you’re not ready to read this, then feel free to stop right now and put this away for another day when you might want to read this.

I want you to know how proud of you I am though. You have been so strong, and have been an inspiration. Sometimes I wish I had the courage that you have, especially when it comes to mom and dad. I know we aren’t on good terms right now but I want to tell you how amazing it has been to have you as my sister.

For one thing you are the funniest person I know. You always make me and people around you laugh and that’s one of my favorite things about you. You know I am not funny, and I have always envied how you seem to just do it so naturally. Honestly it’s a great quality and I hope you are still making everyone in your life laugh, including yourself.

You are always there. Ever since my trauma’s and my anorexia, when I asked for help or just needed someone to talk to you were there without judgement. You told me that everything was okay and what I was feeling was valid. That was exactly what I needed to hear since everyone else was telling me otherwise. I know that if you’re there for me like that that your friends are some of the luckiest people. Having someone who is so caring in their lives is amazing. If you treat them anything like you treat me when I am down then they have the best thing in the world- someone who genuinely cares and is patient and understanding.

Another thing I love about you is that you know what you want and you won’t let anyone else change your mind. I personally am easily swayed sometimes when people comment on my decisions, but you don’t let others opinions change anything. I like that you are that confident in yourself and your decisions. Your confidence is great and I hope you are keeping that up.

You don’t judge when someone opens up to you. I know many times I’ve been scared to open up because I am terrified that someone will judge what I am thinking or feeling, but you don’t. You can be very understanding and create a comforting environment where I feel safe enough to open up. Most people I know don’t know how to create that environment or even that kind of relationship with another person where the other feels safe enough to do so.

I am so lucky to have had you in my life. You’ve made me a better person through knowing you. You call me on my bullshit and that is another great quality. You have been a huge influence. Sometimes I think to myself “What would India do” or “How would India feel” when I am trying to decide something and get stuck. Your opinions and thoughts matter a lot to me. Maybe this is all one sided, but I wanted to let you know all this in case things between us don’t get better down the road. I miss you and love you so much. I really wish I could go back in time and change things. I know that’s not a possibility so I am going to focus on changing the future, our future.

I want to be someone worthy of having you in my life. In the past my actions might have made you feel taken for granted and if that’s the case I apologize. You are one of the most important people in my life and I want you to know that. I don’t know what actions I have to take to show that to you, but I won’t stop trying. If I fail to show you then I will try something else until I find something that works.

I’ve never been good at knowing what to do in situations where there’s conflict. The one thing I know I am good at is writing letters from my heart. This is my attempt to show you how much I care and love you. If this doesn’t work I will try something else. I just hope one day we can get on better terms.

If we don’t get past this then these past twenty years with you have been a privilege. It’s been a fun ride with great memories and stories that I’ll never forget and I’ll smile at when remembering them. If you want to talk I’m always here even if it’s twenty years down the line, I’ll always be here, waiting for you.

I love you with all my heart,

Anna

I hope she does end up reading it if I give it to her.

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Sitting alone at the dinner table now, waiting for dinner. The pain I feel sucks. The feeling of being alone also sucks. The feeling of being scared in your own house sucks. I hate walking on egg shells in my house. I hate the fact that I want to hide in the attic and am scared to leave it because my sister and her boyfriend are here. I hate feeling scared in this house again. It’s been at least five years since I’ve felt scared in my house, and it’s been great to not be scared. I feel like an outsider in this house right now. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like it would be best if I left. But it’s day one. I have to stay. I have to try. I have to push through all this bullshit.

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My sister came in and was asking mom to make tea, and mom told her she could do it and I asked for some too. I told my sister she didn’t have to make me any but she did. She actually responded to a question I asked her. Improvement.

XOXO Anna

Holiday Anxieties

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Holidays are a great time of year where family gets together and celebrates, but this year for my family it’s tough. I haven’t really talked to my parents about their opinion and thoughts on my sister coming home with her boyfriend after running away.

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I know I’ve written a bit about this, but my anxieties are getting overwhelming. She arrives on the 21st, so I’ve got basically a week before she is home and Cody is kicked out. Part of me is so happy that she will be home, and part of me is terrified.

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I miss her SO much and being able to see her will be one of the best Christmas presents I could ask for. I figure she will be ignoring me for the first few days and I know that will be torture, not like all of this hasn’t already been torture, but at least it’s been torture from a far so it hasn’t had the worst affects on me. I just want to be able to talk to her and have a real conversation. I hope that she is civil with all of us.

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We as a family know that we all failed her in our own way and all we want to do is make it up to her. We want her to know that we are here for her no matter what and we love her so much. We just hope that she gives us the chance to prove that to her.

She is one of the most stubborn people I know, and being stubborn isn’t a bad quality necessarily, but she has taken it to a whole new level. Almost half a year has gone by…. it’s insane when I think about it. Not being able to talk to her and hang out with her for that long…it’s painful.

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Emotional pain is much worse than physical pain in my opinion, or at least it can be. I rather have broken my leg than go through this. Being in such intense emotional pain for this long is devastating. Cody has been amazing through all of this. He is understanding and patient. There are days where I’ve been suicidal, there have been days where all I wanted to do was cut, and there have been days where all I wanted to do was cry all day because of this thing with my sister. Six months of that is a lot.Of course it’s not everyday I feel those things but if I added up the days it would at least be three weeks of it.

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I constantly feel guilty. I feel like if only I saw the signs earlier or if I had really pushed my sister to talk maybe I could have helped or she would have opened up. But my sister is a closed book. She has walls sky high, and when she thinks someone is trying to help her she shuts as tight as a clam would. She puts up this impenetrable force to keep everyone out. I refuse to give up trying to make things better with her. I don’t care how much of a wall she puts up I won’t stop trying to help her and be there for her when she is ready to accept it. That’s the key though, I have to try and fail over and over until she one day is ready to let me in.

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I think my worst fear is losing her forever. I honestly don’t know how to live without her. She has been a huge part of my life. She has been my person. She has been the ONE person who never made me feel bad about my anorexia or PTSD or any of my issues. I just don’t know what to do to fix all of this. I’ve thought about it so many times. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am always doing the wrong thing. Not talking to her would be wrong, but then texting her with her ignoring me also feels wrong. I can’t figure out if she wants me to keep trying or if I should just leave her alone. If it were me I would want the person to keep trying to show me that they care, so that’s why I continue to text her. I want her to know I care.

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I don’t know what to do or how to handle her coming home at all. I am at a complete loss. I feel like I am blind and any move I make could be fatal. But I keep trying because I care, and I want her to know that I do. I feel like there’s nothing I can do at the moment to get through to her and that’s one of the hardest things.

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I also feel guilty because I feel like maybe she ran away because of how close Cody and I got in the beginning of our relationship and how I kinda totally ditched her. She keeps thinking I was choosing between Cody and her but she is wrong. I was choosing between myself and her. I never put myself first, and I finally did when I met Cody because I knew there was something special about him, and I wanted to give myself a chance at real true happiness. I feel terrible that me putting myself first hurt my sister so deeply. I don’t know how I can explain it to her or how she can forgive me. I don’t know how to forgive myself I think.

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Sorry that it’s such a long post, I just had to get my thoughts out so I could understand them better. I think I just have to give her space for the first couple days and then continue to try to see if she is willing to talk to me, let alone be in the same room as me. I know that healing and forgiveness can be a long process and I know that her coming home for Christmas doesn’t mean everything will go back to the way things used to be, but maybe it will be a step in the right direction.

XOXO Anna