A Present for India

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I got India a ring from that Jeulia site too. I ended up following the company’s instagram and to my dismay some customers didn’t have a great experience. Some loved their rings while others complained. So hopefully the ring set Cody got me doesn’t chip like some customers said the black rings did. Some customers complained of getting the rings weeks late too. So fingers crossed that everything works out in the end…I mean those rings they designed are beautiful so it would be a shame if there were issues.

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Also haven’t done my police homework yet, and my class is at 2:50 pm. I am super stressing about finals. Also I have an OBGYN appointment on monday, which is the day Cody and I are moving. See I’ve been bleeding a bit since my period ended so we are worried. Not about pregnancy but that something isn’t right? I’ve never really had this issue but I’m sure everything’s okay. It’s just annoying that we have to do that on the day we are moving :/

XOXO Anna

Stressed to the Max

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It’s spring break and I finished my rough draft of my Sociology paper, which I chose to write as a blog post, which I want to post once I edit it. Then I still have my police paper to write, but I have to finish listening to Serial Podcast and then I can start trying to write it. I then am meeting the child I am going to hopefully babysit on saturday. It’s not really a babysitter since she is 11, but its more of just watching her and taking her to her activities. It will help bring in some extra money, which Cody and I will need.

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I’ve mentioned that Cody and I are trying to move out. Well, it’s been hectic. Last week we saw the apartment, we LOVED it. We got the application, we filled everything out, we worked out a budget (I even am getting a part-time babysitting job)…everything is done except for his dad signing the cosign for the application. This is the application! Not even the lease. I’m scared that we are going to lose our hold on this apartment. I am praying to the gods that by the time Cody gets his dad to do the paper work and us turning it in that the apartment is still available…Fingers crossed!

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Also I’ve tried talking to India, and she is very upset. She feels our parents love me more simply because they are giving me more money for the apartment than they give her. I explained that Cody, mom, dad, and I all sat down and came up with the budget based on our spending and we even cut the budget down by $200 working with them. So I just hope India and I are okay. Cody and I are moving out simply so India can come home over the summer. She refuses to come home if Cody is here, so we are moving out for India. Don’t get me wrong, Cody and I want to move out, we just didn’t expect to be moving out this soon. We wanted to save more before doing this.

Hope everything works out though!

XOXO Anna

Stress, Cutting, and Moving Out

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It’s been a hectic couple days. Since last friday I’ve been dead tired and dizzy…all the time. I have felt like I’ve been in a dream like state, which freaks me out. Today is the first day I feel like slightly better. Then I had an exam on tuesday, so I was stressing for that. I went home early because I was so exhausted and slept the rest of that day away.

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Cody went to parkour, and my parents told me that Cody and I have to move out because India might be coming home and she refuses to come home if Cody is living there. So Cody and I have found some places we want to look at. This saturday we are going to look at a house, a house. It’s multifamily, but I think the owner lives on the first floor and then if we got the house we would get the second floor, a balcony, deck, and the attic. The description says it is a 2-3 bedroom so we would have plenty of space.

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But back to my parents telling me India might be coming home, things were stressful. See I have tried to figure out so many things I could do for Cody’s birthday and each plan keeps falling apart. So because India might come home, what I wanted to do for Cody can’t happen…at least not the way I wanted it to, and I ends dup crying over it and my dad apologized because he knows how much I’ve put into it- or was putting into it. There were some other things going on tuesday that were stressing me out, and I was extremely depressed over India possibly coming home. It’s not because I don’t want her to come home, because I miss her a lot, but because it means Cody and I have to move out within six weeks essentially. So moving, finals, and everything else…it’s just overwhelming. So I took a bath and grabbed the safety pin and cut before I even thought about what I was doing.

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When Cody got home he wasn’t happy and asked me why I did it. I explained and we talked and everything. We ended up arguing a little later but made up. I yelled at him and he made a comment about my cutting. We both did things wrong but apologized and made up.

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Cody was thinking about getting a second job possibly if need be. I personally would hate it if he had to do that, but again, Cody really wants to be able to financially support us, it’s important to him that he is capable of doing that. I don’t think I posted about Serena’s party, but it was not fun. I was exhausted. But see, Cody told me that to him, he felt like he can’t give me an engagement ring until he feels he can financially support us and that we are stable. To most women maybe it’s not romantic, but to me it was the sweetest thing to hear. I couldn’t believe he felt like he didn’t deserve to marry me if he couldn’t support us financially. I thought it was ridiculous, but I could understand where he was coming from and how he grew up. But it was super sweet because that meant he was serious about marriage and wasn’t taking it lightly. He was really thinking about the reality of it and such, which made me happy. I’ve thought about marriage in the reality way of finances, living situations, career, school etc. and how we would handle all that. I was so happy to see Cody was thinking with the same level of seriousness and maturity.

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But it’s been a stressful week. I hope that this house we see is good because it would be a freaking dream if it was good and worked out. My parents however are being… stubborn? I understand that they have been very understanding about Cody and I living in the attic of their house and financially supporting me with school and such, but they told me they wouldn’t co-sign for any place Cody and I move, and they said Cody’s dad would have to co-sign. So Cody has to mention that to his dad. I just feel like I’ll be less stressed once I know our living situation is secured. I don’t want to feel like we are going to be kicked out with no place to live.

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I feel like instead of having the time to plan our move and everything it is now rushed, which is where my stress is coming from. Before this all happened Cody and I had a plan to move out by next winter, which was nice because it meant Cody had more time to save for rent, and Cody seemed to think prices would be better in winter because no one wants to move when it’s snowing. But life threw us a curve ball, and we are handling it. Cody is completely calm and collected, and I have to say I admire him for that because I am so stressed by this. But then again that is where our personalities differ, which is fine because he keeps me relaxed but I remind him of the realities and that we need to make decisions in a timely manner. But the one thing that made me practically tear up was when Cody said that the only thing that mattered to him was that wherever we moved he wanted to make sure I was safe. He wanted to make sure that he didn’t have to worry about me if I was in the house or apartment alone without him because of crime and such. It was so sweet to hear him say that he would live in a shittier apartment if I was safe because it was a god neighborhood.

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Fingers crossed about this house this saturday, and if not this house, then one of the apartments we will see! Also at the moment I have A’s in all my classes!

XOXO Anna

Improvement, Cody’s Friends, and Sister Drama

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Cody and I had a serious talk as I mentioned and honestly it helped. Cody didn’t go LARPing last weekend. He stayed with me when I asked him to stay. I honestly wasn’t okay, and am so thankful for him to be here. Cody really showed me he was putting in the effort and cared about me by skipping LARP. It really means the world to me. We also had an amazing night going to Stop n Shop together and cooking last weekend. We cuddled, watched TV, and had an amazing time. We also didn’t have sex that weekend but we did other stuff and honestly I felt better doing that than sex at that moment.

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I saw some of Cody’s friends last Saturday. I can’t explain now but I will explain down the line why I was with them. But it was awesome to see them. Things are turning around. I honestly really do have hope about Cody and I getting better now. Him skipping LARP showed me that he really does care and love me.

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This whole week Cody has been amazing in showing me he loves me by just grabbing ginger ale if we are out or giving me a massage surprisingly, or us having sex when I didn’t even expect it which was nice. Cody and I are really actually finally in a good place.

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I am also seeing more of Cody’s friends today, again it’s the thing I can’t mention yet, but then later tonight Cody and I have to go to Serena’s birthday dinner bar hopping thing. Not looking forward to that because we have to drive a half hour to go do that.

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So India and I talked yesterday and she said that since Christmas our whole relationship had been fake. That hurt, because I’ve honestly been trying to show her I care and love her by calling or texting every week and talking about her life and such. It really hurt and I had the urge to cut but I didn’t. I just hope that India and I do actually make up.

XOXO Anna

Breakdown, a Call from my Sister, and Tough Love

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Last night was bad. Really bad. I broke down and it was extremely painful. I was really triggered. Cody and I were getting a drink before we headed home when he picked me up from the station, and I don’t know how but we got onto the topic of sex and blow jobs. Cody got turned on. We went home and I knew he wanted one, and he told me so many times that they weren’t important to him, that I shouldn’t ever give one if I don’t want to ( and he has said all this before, almost every time it’s mentioned) but I felt like I had to. Not because of him, but because of my past. So I gave one to him. When I stopped he knew right away from the look on my face I hadn’t wanted to do it and he got upset because he knew I wasn’t okay.

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I told him I was, he went to parkour, and I had a huge breakdown. I went to the shower to feel clean and I cried. I cried and cried. I screamed a horribly painful scream, that if one heard, they would think that person is in severe pain or being tortured. My screams even scared me. I texted Cody that I wasn’t okay. I eventually called my sister when I got out of the shower because all I wanted to do was self-harm or end it all because I didn’t want to feel all the feelings of abuse from the past.

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My sister had to talk to me, and I could tell something was off. I explained that Cody had told me not to if I didn’t want to, but because of my past I did it anyway. I then told her about Eric and how he shoved my head down and forced me to do that to him, and I think that’s when I could tell something was off with my sister. Eventually I told her I was okay (meaning I wasn’t going to end it all) and I went back to the bath with a safety pin and just cried again, not doing anything to hurt myself but crying. Cody came home and grabbed the safety pin, I screamed because I didn’t realize he was home.

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We ended up talking. My sister texted me for Cody’s number so she could call him and say things she figured I would never say to Cody, and she said she wasn’t going to yell at him. I stupidly believed her. Cody called India and took it in the game room while I sat in the bedroom still trying to calm down from the intense breakdown. At first I thought it was going okay and then I heard Cody say, “Of course I love her. I would never do anything to hurt her, I just want to protect her.” I knew it was going downhill from there. I didn’t hear everything but I was outside the door by the end of the conversation and Cody called me in.

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I sat on his lap and he said, “You’re sister really hates me. She hates me so much that she either wants me to leave you or for me to die.” Cody looked shattered. I know India can be very mean when she is angry. Cody said that from the conversation he had with her, he thinks that a guy forced her to go down on him. It’s true, out of all the times I’ve called her crying because of a trigger she has never called or wanted to talk to Cody until now. So maybe that is what happened. I don’t know, but it’s a suspicion. Cody and I are still shaken by what India said to him, including that he is a terrible human being who is breaking another human being (referring to me) and all this other shit, and saying that he doesn’t deserve me and that he should leave me, or that she thinks I want to leave him but wouldn’t and such. It was a really really intense bad conversation.

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This morning I had another talk with Cody. What my sister said really did hit me. I told Cody that he needed to put more effort in. I told him that if things keep going the way they are now, we really are not going to make it and won’t have a future together. I said that I deserve to be treated with respect, love, and care. I told him I don’t want to leave him, I love him, but I refuse to be with someone who does not respect me or care or love me (not that he doesn’t, he does, he just isn’t or hasn’t been showing it at all.)

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Cody agreed he got complacent, and he isn’t sure what happened or why, but he has promised that he will make the effort. I gave simple examples to him from the beginning of the relationship to now, like how if something was wrong, it didn’t matter what time it was he would be up and talking to me to make sure I didn’t go to bed crying. These days he says he is tired and goes to bed, and I sometimes cry myself to sleep a bit. Cody hated knowing that. That example made it clear to him that he really has gotten lazy with our relationship and he promised me he would do better.

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I really hope he keeps this promise, because I love him, and I would do anything for him, and I just hope he can do the same for me.

XOXO Anna

Family Friend Dinner, Best Boyfriend, and Easter

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Yesterday Cody shocked me. We had sex and I had came and then he was okay stopping. He was exhausted but he didn’t mind not coming, and if you’ve read my posts you will know my history with guys has been the opposite. It’s always the guy coming and me being unsatisfied.

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We then had a family friend dinner that night. He was finally meeting our family friends after like nine months. I was so excited. Cody was nervous. It honestly went really well. The one thing that really got me angry though was that my mom didn’t make me anything for dinner. If our family friends didn’t make a caesar salad I wouldn’t have eaten last night. My mom, as always, didn’t really make carbs. It just reminded me of all the dinners before that we’ve had with them, and my sister and I would get upset because mom wouldn’t make food for me, and I would always end up cooking for myself either right before we all sat down for dinner or when they were all eating.

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After dinner we played Celebrity. It’s a really fun game that we’ve been playing since we were kids with them. We each write down 5 celebrity names and have to end up guessing them with the hints we give. Cody got to play last night. I totally dominated, as always. But I guess I was a little too aggressive and competitive. So I felt bad about it. Even the family friends said I should calm down. Cody also said I was too intense.

*Trigger Warning to those with eating disorders for the paragraph below*

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The reason I got so annoyed during the game was because he wrote down Scarlett Johansson, which is the one actress I’ve had issues with. I have had multiple people tell me I look like her, which is a huge compliment, but I also feel insecure with that. I feel like she is a movie star, model, who is drop dead gorgeous, and here I am a normal girl. When Cody went out to stop n shop after dinner I ended up looking up pictures of her to torture myself and compare myself. I then looked up her measurements because I wanted to torture myself further, but it completely backfired. I have the same measurements as her pretty much. Same height, she weighs more than me, but we have the same bust and hop ratio and our waist ratio is off by one. One friend told me that the ideal women’s measurements were 36-24-36 (Bust, Waist, Hip ratio). I am 36-26-36. I am two inches off from that. Scarlett is 36-25-36. So this actress I’ve been comparing myself to, for years, I have found out we have almost the same measurements. I felt pretty stupid when I found that out, but at the same time a bit relieved. I guess I really do have an almost ideal hourglass figure, which to my anorexic mind, makes me feel better. Cody came home and found me with a ruler and string. I explained to him and he felt bad but at the same time was glad it backfired. He hates when I torture myself with comparing myself to other women.

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Then this morning I woke up to find a bouquet of flowers with an easter basket on our table. I knew Cody was getting something for me last night. It was sweet to wake up to that. We went out to brunch and that was nice. One of the family friends commented on a photo I posted and said, “Don’t know if you deserve it after last night :P” as a joke but then Cody said, “Yeah you don’t deserve it.” Probably as a joke, but I still feel really bad. I know it’s stupid, but now I really feel like I don’t deserve the roses (which I’ve told Cody I love as a random surprise) and the easter basket…

Hope everyone is having a great Easter Sunday though! 🙂

XOXO Anna

Dinner with Mom

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Last night’s dinner was hell. I haven’t had time to post for the past couple days and finally I have time. My parents have been on my ass to get either a job or internship this summer once school gets out. Also because my parents have been constantly criticizing Cody and me we wanted to move out. I don’t know where Cody and I stand on that at the moment, but I personally think I still want to move out. I just can’t take my parents treating me like I’m in high school. I’m 22 years old and I should be able to make my own decisions.

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But last night at dinner Cody, me, and my mom were drinking and eating while talking about me. Talking about how my mom thinks I am weak, a child, and dependent. It’s true that I am financially dependent on them. But to call me a child and weak? I feel like that was uncalled for. Also she said my life is a mess right now and I need to get my shit together.

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If you’ve been reading my blog, you will know that right now my life is the most together it’s been in over three years. I am going to school and am in a healthy relationship. Back at my old school I was dealing with my trauma’s and stuff. I was not in a good place. But I finally am. I haven’t self harmed in almost six months. I’ve basically stopped drinking aside from the occasional drink with dinner, and I am going to school. I feel like my life is pretty together at the moment.

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Cody couldn’t believe that my mom didn’t pick up on my sarcastic acting last night. I basically just agreed with everything my mom said to please her and she loved it. She loved the me I was faking. She said, “Where did this Anna go? I’m glad she is back.” That implies that I used to be a kiss ass. Which I wasn’t. I am raging pissed because now my mom and dad are going to be infuriated if I don’t find a job or internship for the summer. Their definition of an acceptable job for me is being a waitress where I make $300-$400 a night in tips. That’s not possible for me to do.

I just hope that when I tell my mom last night was a huge lie she doesn’t freak on me. There’s just all this pressure and I feel like I’m drowning in it.

 

XOXO Anna

Sui Died …

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For those of you who have been reading my blog for over a year, you probably know that I have, or had, a fish named Sui. I don’t get attached to fish usually, but Sui really got me. Yesterday my mom changed his tank, and yesterday he seemed so happy. He was swimming up to the top and then diving in the helmet and being really playful.

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This morning when Cody and I came downstairs, my mom asked me if Sui usually would wrap himself around the filter, to which I said no. I put the net in to see if he would move, and when he didn’t my heart dropped. I got Sui away from the filter and he sunk to the bottom, lifeless. Cody saw I was getting really upset so he pulled me away from the tank and hugged me as I proceeded to shed some tears. I couldn’t really lose it because we were going to breakfast, so I kept myself together but I was very sad.

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I decided that I was going to get a new fish. I couldn’t stand the thought of Sui’s nice tank being empty. Plus I just got him a new filter and heater because the old ones broke, hence why we changed the tank. So Cody and I went to get a new fish after breakfast. We haven’t named him yet, I still want to see what his personality is like. But here is a picture.

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Not the best pictures. He won’t stay still. He really likes the tank though. He won’t stop swimming long enough for me to really get a picture. But I am still trying to figure out what to name him. My sister said she thought he should be named Envy because he has a green tint. I personally think he would have to be a darker colored fish to be called that. I’ll eventually come up with a name. And yes, I really am writing a post about a fish.

XOXO Anna

Trying To Be Strong

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I am giving it my all. I am really trying to move forward with Cody and I know it’s going to take time to get that trust back, but it’s killing me in the meantime. I have to be strong first though. I need to help Cody then I’ll let myself deal. This song helps me though. I love Cody and I know that when in a relationship there is the potential to get hurt. I am not stupid, but I am shocked.

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This morning the urge to cut was so strong. I called my sister and she helped me through it. I was kinda crying on the phone with her. I felt so bad about wanting to cut knowing if I did others would get hurt. Then we continued talking for the next hour about our lives and I told her about the surprise for Cody on saturday and she was happy for me. I even told her that he said he wanted to go ring shopping before the 14th. Don’t worry he is so not proposing by Valentine’s Day. He probably wants to see what rings I like across the board and maybe he will get me something nice for Valentine’s I think. Though I could totally be off base. Maybe he will get me roses and candy which is fine. I don’t need too much to be happy. I just need honesty, trust, support, patience, understanding, and someone who is going to be there.

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Last night Cody and I made a lot of progress though. We had sex twice. First time I had to stop and talk to him because I kept thinking about what he did. After talking we had the most intimate sex of my life. Then later that night we had very hot sex. We’ve taken preventative measures. His phone screen saver is a picture of me, that way if he did get the urge, he would see my face before he did anything. Also the hot sex from last night gave him lots to think about if he does get the urge to masturbate. I am really trying my best to help him understand this. It’s hard on me though. But apparently he said last week he had been thinking about Savannah and the guys that are my friends a lot. He also said maybe he felt slightly not as close, and maybe that’s why the slip-up happened but he doesn’t really know.

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I love him to death but I just at times am overwhelmed with extreme pain and sadness. I still am trying to process and understand how he could do that to me. I know no one is perfect but it’s just difficult. I understand addiction, and that’s why I think I am doing such a great job at helping him and staying strong and not being stupid and retaliate. I just don’t know how to move past this. I am hoping tomorrows therapy session will help a lot.

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I’m just trying to keep it together for Cody’s sake. I won’t give up on him. He feels like crap anytime he sees me depressed. I can’t imagine what he would do if I ended up cutting. I just have to breathe, have faith, and pray that he doesn’t break my heart again.

XOXO Anna

Promise Me This…

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This is the surprise that I mentioned that I’m doing for Cody. I hope that everything gets here by saturday because I told him that on saturday we are going to have the perfect day. I got him all these things on a website called ThinkGeek that he has wanted, and I got him like five watches that he wants. My plan is that through out the day, with each thing we do I’ll give him a present. But if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, I got these rings specifically because he got the necklace version when we first started dating and I thought these rings were fitting.

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He knows that there is a surprise and he helped me plan the day. We are going to our favorite diner in the morning, so I’ll give him a gift then. Then depending on what time we are done either we will go home and play chess or we will go to that theatre with the reclining chairs and I’ll give him another gift. Then, again deepening on the time, we will go to our favorite bar for happy hour and again, I’ll give another gift. We will go home and play Yugioh cards because he wants to, and I’ll give him a gift. Then dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, and I’ll give him a gift.

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That is all I have planned so far. I don’t know how or when I’m going to give him the ring, but there is a speech I wrote to go along with it. I am still trying to decide whether I want to do it at dinner or when we get home. I also am super nervous! But here is the speech. If you would like to comment below on your thoughts I would appreciate that immensely!

P.S. The unicorn comment is an inside joke.

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Cody, meeting you has been the best thing to have happened to me. I know maybe to most people seven months isn’t a long time to know if you love someone and want to marry them, but I know. People are going to have their judgements, but that doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me is having you by my side through thick and thin.

Life is going to throw us curveballs, and things won’t always be easy. There have definitely been times where things were rocky, but when we were at our worst, all I wanted to do was stay and fix things. That is what gives me the confidence to know that I want to marry you. Through all the ups and downs, I still love you and always will.

I love you for you. You are fun, smart, respectful, sensitive, open, understanding, patient, loving…a unicorn. I could keep going on and on but I’ll try to keep this somewhat short. My love for you is unconditional. I love you no matter what and I want you to know that. You’re not only my life partner but my best friend. We can laugh at anything and enjoy each other’s company. I spend so much time with you and all I want is to spend even more time with you. With you I feel safe enough to be me, flaws and all. I know in my heart that you accept me for me. That is why I am now asking you to promise me this.

Promise me you’ll be honest. Promise me you’ll be faithful. Promise me you’ll love me no matter what. Promise me that we can get through anything together. But most of all, promise me that by accepting and wearing this ring, that one day you will marry me.

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So that’s what I have written. It’s a first draft. I am not sure if it could be worded better but I think it’s really sweet so far. I really hope that things go well and that the rings actually get here by saturday. I ordered them last night, so hopefully they’ll get here later this week.

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But I honestly feel a bit crazy doing this. I mean, Cody’s sister liked the idea because she thought it was funny that the stereotypical roles were reversed. She wondered why I was doing this. She thought it was for Valentine’s day. I told her what happened between Cody and I last night and I told her it just made it crystal clear that he was it for me. Not that I didn’t already know it, but it gave me the courage to actually get the ring and all that shit. I told her that this is the only thing I can do to show my commitment on that level because I know that Cody wants to be the one to propose to me and he even said if I try to eventually propose he would say no and then propose to me sometime later because he has a proposal plan he’s been working on. So I am hoping Cody says yes to the promise ring.

XOXO Anna

Can It Get Any Better?

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I thought sex with Cody couldn’t get better, but it has. Is that normal in a relationship, that as time goes on the sex gets better? It’s just so amazing. I’ve never felt anything like it, and I’m not just talking about physical pleasure, I am talking about the emotional connection too.

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But going back to my post from yesterday, I talked to Cody and he assured me it was just because he had to get back to work. He said we would obviously ask both of our parents to see what role they wished to play with the marriage. I personally am not sure if my parents would want to pay for it. I mean, they got married at City Hall and made a day of it together in NYC. That is really sweet. I personally don’t care about how fancy a wedding is. The simpler the better. Just close family and friends, and a nice dress, a decent venue and good photographers/videographers. Simple and sweet.

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We also woke up to a winter wonderland. We knew the storm was coming but damn. It is snowing like crazy. We are doing a day in with movies, coffee, hot chocolate, writing and gaming, and cuddling.

XOXO Anna

Mind Blowing Sex and Separation Anxiety

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Last night Cody and I hung out with some of his friends and then we came back home and had the most amazing sex. Cody has told me many times through out our relationship that I am sometimes too much for him to handle sexually because he is so pleasured. I always thought he was just being nice because I didn’t really get the idea of being pleasured so much that you actually couldn’t take it…that was until last night. I now understand why he says that.

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I was so happy to not have any PTSD thing come up last night. We had the best time and I honestly thought sex with Cody couldn’t get better but it just keeps getting better. It’s been seven months of having amazing sex, having an amazingly supportive partner, and finally realizing what a healthy relationship is.

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I can tell you that before Cody I did not have a healthy sex life at all with any of the past guys. I didn’t realize that I had it so bad until I met Cody. I never really realized how much guys manipulated or guilted me into doing things for them. I just thought, “Well, that’s how guys are, and that’s how it is.” But Cody never pressures me and he always says I can say no. He respects when I say no, and he listens if I say I want to have sex but to take it slowly because I don’t want to get triggered.

Cody works for my parents, and they had an Atlanta show last week, and this week they have their Dallas show, and next week they have their New York show. I didn’t realize they had the Dallas show this week. I’ve always had separation anxiety from my parents when they are traveling. I was really shocked to find out that my mom wasn’t coming home last night, and that my dad was leaving this morning for Dallas. I mean, it’s nice that Cody and I have the house to ourselves, but I miss my parents when they’re gone.

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I called my mom this morning after my dad left because I could feel myself starting to panic and she talked me down. I told her all about how my PTSD had been acting up and how having them gone was hard. It helped though to talk to her. I know I have my issues with my mom, but one thing she is good at is getting me to calm down. It also helped that Cody went out to breakfast with me. I am having a pretty good start to the week, excluding the anxiety. 

Hope everyone else is having a good monday!

XOXO Anna

Best Way To Wake Up

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This morning Cody got up at a decent time. I didn’t even have to nag him to get up. He comes back upstairs after he ate breakfast and we have a really nice talk. It started with me asking if he was really sure about me. He said yes. Then we just started talking about things that we liked about each other and how happy we made each other. Plus the kissing in between was nice. And we were playful too, and I love that about us.

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Really what got me thinking about this stuff was seeing Serena yesterday. She told me she was scrolling through Facebook and she said she commented on a picture of us to her boyfriend and said, “I bet they’re going to get married.”

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When she said that, I was like, “well…Cody did say he wanted to get me a ring when he can afford one, which would be at least six months minimum.” She was happy to hear that and told me that she wanted to be a bridesmaid. I told her of course she was going to be one. Hell it was her and one of Cody’s friends that introduced us. Without them we would have never met. But Serena was like, “The engagement better be long.” I told her if we got engaged within the next year we wouldn’t get married until we graduate college, so that’s three years from now, and she was happy with that answer.

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She realized that she wants to finally breakup with her boyfriend. There have been so many times where she will be like, “I want to break up with him” and then she never does it, but she is doing it this time. She finally realized she deserves better. Hell her boyfriend is an ass. He manipulates her into sex. She was working two jobs and had finals a couple weeks ago and she was exhausted and stressed so much that she was puking one morning at 4 AM and then the next morning her boyfriend asks her to have sex. She told him she was sick, and he said, “Oh you should go get some alkaseltzer.” He didn’t offer to get it for her and he pressured her for sex. She told me she has only had sex with him because he nags her for it. I honestly told her a while ago I wasn’t a fan of him and it was wrong of him to be constantly asking for sex when she said she doesn’t want to. I am just happy that she finally got to the place where she was ready to accept that they aren’t good for each other even if she loves him.

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But this morning was nice. I talked to Cody about the future and future possible things that could come up that could cause tension and I wanted to make sure he was thinking seriously and not totally romantically when he says he wants to be with me forever. He told me in response, “Anna, we’ve already been through a hard time.”

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He was referring to my sister and that situation. It’s true though. Cody and I have been through a really hard time, and during the beginning half of our relationship. We made it through that pretty damn well I would say. But it’s true, he has been there during my PTSD and anorexia. He was there when my family was falling a part. We’ve already been through a lot and we’ve managed to stay strong. I am confident in us.

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The one thing that I told Cody was that I am uncomfortable being comfortable. I am more comfortable when I am in pain or just in discomfort. Like, if I’m in discomfort something already isn’t going right so maybe somehow that would mean that something else can’t go wrong. I know irrational, but I guess it was the way I coped growing up. Trying to control the uncontrolable. I am not used to being happy and comfortable and for once in my life I have been since I’ve met Cody. I told him I’m still not used to it. He said I would eventually get used to it. It’s just very strange for me to have things going right. With Cody in my life, things have been going right. The only thing that I worry about sometimes is losing what I have with Cody. I truly can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t imagine us breaking up. Just thinking about it hurts. But I have met the guy of my dreams. Seriously, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be with Cody.

XOXO Anna

 

 

Going Back to GA on Sunday

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I am totally excited about GA! I am so happy to being Quick Silver and Andy! I’ve missed them like crazy. I’ll also be seeing Ethan…so that will be interesting. I am excited to show Cody everything and show him off to my friends.

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The only thing is I am crazy anxious about being triggered. What if I see Owen? What if I see Peter DJing some club? I doubt Monster would be there, but still.

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I hate that the place I love and miss brings such anxiety. I have been going through my blog and editing each and every post so it’s in categories, which was something I should have done ages ago. And re-reading some of my old posts made me sad. I read a post where I was talking about being freaked out about being hit on in Panera.

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I just hope that when Cody and I get to Savannah I don’t freak. I want to enjoy this vacation and not have to worry about my safety or being triggered, and more to the point, Cody shouldn’t have to worry about me being triggered. It’s not his job.

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It’s sweet that he wants to take care of me and all, but I am used to being in Savannah and dealing with it on my own unless I ask for help. Cody helps even when not asked, which I am not used to. It’s sweet, but sometimes I just feel so bad because I do feel like I’m a burden or it’s too much even if he doesn’t. Like I don’t want to be a downer.

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I want to be able for Cody not to worry. Like even tonight he was worried about me because Jack Daniels is kind of a trigger for me so he lied about it and when we got to his house I saw a bottle that he dad got. He said he lied because he was worried it would make me want to drink or something. I really hate that he worried about me. It’s sweet, but I can handle myself. Or if I can’t, then let me drown myself in my destruction until I get through it on my own. Yeah, I know self-destruction is not good, but sometimes I just want to do what I want even if it’s not the healthiest.

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But Cody loves me so much that he won’t let me self-destruct, which I am thankful for. But damn do I feel guilty about still wanting to at times. And yeah, I really don’t feel like I deserve someone as good as Cody. I mean, why do I deserve someone like Cody? I’ve been treated like crap by every guy…so why do I deserve the good treatment? I am not used to it at all, even after six months.

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Also India and her boyfriend left this morning, so it’s been strange to not have her around. I really wanted to breakdown this morning at 5:30 AM when I said goodbye. I haven’t cried yet, but it’s only a matter of time before I cry.

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I just am going into the new year hoping that things with my sister continue to get better, that Cody and I still remain good and happy, and that college goes well. If all that happens I will consider myself lucky.

Hope everyone has a good new year!

XOXO Anna

Betraying Trust

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I probably should have posted about this when it happened. I guess I thought I didn’t need to write about it to process it but I was wrong. I posted about how Cody and I had a bit of a fight but I never wrote what really happened. Well, now I am going to write about it. I need to so I can process my emotions.

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If you’ve read my blog you will know that I struggle with anorexia. That doesn’t just include thinking I don’t have a good body, it also includes being majorly threatened by other girls. I have really disliked having girlfriends since I was six years old. That is because of Skyler, a girl friend of mine who was basically the definition of Mean Girls. I felt like I lived that movie. She told me that no guy would like me unless it was for my body. I really internalized that message growing up. I also learned from a very early age that, or was taught to think that, guys want sex. That’s all they want.

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Now that you know that about me, I will proceed. Cody, his dad, sister, brother, uncle, grandfather, and grandmother and me were all sitting down to dinner in this Chinese restaurant. Cody pulled out his phone and was about to search something. I saw porn on his history. I know that to maybe most girls that’s fine. To me it tore me apart. See, Cody knows about my body image issues, plus he knows about my ex who was addicted to porn. We agreed early in the relationship he wouldn’t look at porn.

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So seeing that on his phone, I felt utterly and completely devastated and betrayed. Cody took me outside and we kinda fought. I told him I couldn’t handle it. Cody said that because he was staying at his house and living his old life, he did it out of habit. For him it would be a habit, probably one that’s hard to break, because he used to get off twice a day with porn before he met me for about 14 years. So yeah it’s a bad habit. He didn’t watch it though. He just typed it into his phone, and then realized that he would be hurting me and exited the page. So yay for that. But I just feel…well not good enough.

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Cody has explained that him doing that has nothing to do with me. My anorexia sunk it’s teeth into this one and has it’s jaw locked though. I have been eating though…but every time I think about it I feel not good enough. I know the irrationality there. Cody promised me that he would never do it again. I want to trust him. But I feel like some trust has been broken.

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To me him doing that meant I wasn’t good enough. Or that he wants something/someone else. Of course Cody has already told me that’s not the case. I can’t help that I feel that way though. I am hurting. I don’t know how to get over it. I know it was a reflex to an old habit… but the fact that he had the urge to do that hurt. My anorexia really locked onto this. That anorexic voice in my head is killing me.

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How does one move past a betrayal of trust, big or small? I’ve never been in a long-term healthy relationship. This is my first. I know relationships go through ups and downs. Cody offered to give me his phone while I will be at my house tonight, that way I would know he wouldn’t be betraying my trust. I took the first step in trusting him though. I said he could keep his phone and that I am trying to trust him again by letting him have it.

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So yeah. Is that how you get trust back? By slowly giving them chances to prove themselves to you? I love Cody beyond comprehension, and I thought he wouldn’t do something to hurt me like that. I guess I am just in shock too. Cody always was this guy who, yes had his flaws, but wouldn’t do anything that would hurt me. He is human though. People hurt people.

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After Monster, I made a three strikes rule. Three strikes and you’re out. Three makes a pattern. With Cody if he were to hit strike three, I honestly don’t think I would walk away. I couldn’t. I mean, this porn thing was his second offense. Early in the relationship I found a pic of a naked girl on his phone. He also at that time knew that would hurt me, but again, it’s a bad habit. So with that and the porn thing, it just made me feel insecure.

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I wrote in a past post about consistency. Consistency is key with me. Especially after going through a string of abusive relationships. I’ve described myself as an abused dog in a shelter before. See, Cody has given me consistency with his word and the fact that he is trustworthy. But since this was not consistent with his behavior it has shaken me. I guess once he is consistent again I’ll trust again.

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Also Cody and I leave for GA this sunday! I am excited about that. He will get to meet all my friends and I’ll show him all of the places I would hang out. I’ve missed GA so much! Super excited to be going back for a week as a birthday present from my parents!

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But any comments with advice would be greatly appreciated. Again, first real, serious, longterm, healthy relationship. Kinda clueless at times about all this. Thanks for reading.

XOXO Anna

Day 8

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India is mad at me. The past couple days I’ve given her space, as in trying not to be at the house. She is mad because I haven’t been around. I only did that because she was crying the other night and really upset at dad and me.

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No matter what I do, it’s wrong. I don’t know how I can please her, or make her understand that I love her and care about her. Our family friend just arrived and now India is hanging out with her.

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There’s only two days left with India in town and I don’t know what to do to make things right before she leaves.

XOXO Anna

Day 6

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Lots has happened since I last posted. After I posted last I broke down completely. India came up to the attic to check on me. I poured my heart out to her and we seemed to be in a better place after that.

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I spent Christmas eve with Cody and his family. I met his grandparents. Dinner sucked though. Cody and I got into…or well Cody did something that hurt me but no worries we are good now. But I really wasn’t sure for a while. I really wanted to self harm but I couldn’t because I was at the dinner table when it all went down. I started using my wrist band and snapping it against my wrist just so I could focus on that so I wouldn’t break down at the dinner table. After a while that didn’t cut it and I held the band tightly against my skin and rubbed it back and forth on my wrist. I did it too much and broke skin. My wrist still hurts which sucks, but whatever at least I didn’t “really” self-harm.

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Anyways, Christmas was good. I woke up and spent the first half at my house with my family and then went to Cody’s house to spend the rest of Christmas with his family. Christmas morning I talked to my dad about what happened with Cody and he is the one who helped me get over it or at least be okay about it. India bought Cody a present and she even wrote him a note. That was huge for her. When my dad was wrapping Cody’s gift he asked if he should write from “the in-laws” which I said I think Cody would like. That’s my dad’s sense of humor for you.

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Christmas at Cody’s was amazing. His family rocks. I met his aunts, uncles, and cousins. He has a big family and half of them weren’t even at the Christmas dinner. I loved my Christmas with them. I even ate normally! It was amazing. Like, growing up, I always wanted a big family and never had one and last night I knew what it was like to have a big family so to speak and it was really fun.

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I got home today and things went back to hell. See, tonight was supposed to be hibachi with India, her boyfriend and me. But this morning before I got home my mom called me and said that Cody, me, them, and my granddad were going out to dinner. I assumed that my mom had spoken to my sister. But then I got a text from India asking me to make reservations for us tonight because she, her boyfriend, and friend were joining dinner with us.

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My sister is not ready to be in a room with Cody so I figured some miscommunications had happened. Getting home I said, “there’s been miscommunication.” I talked to my parents in the upstairs TV room, and my sister’s room is down the hall so she heard everything. She got the impression that I wanted to have dinner with Cody more than with her. She was crying and I went to her room to talk to her and she was yelling at me. My dad intervened and said some stuff that I personally knew was probably the wrong thing to say in the situation. My sister got really hurt when he said that we were all on pins and needles since she’s gotten home.

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It’s true though, we all don’t know what will make her explode. She all have tried to be cautious with our actions and words. Though I’ve mentioned Cody a lot and that’s only to get her to be desensitized, which I explained to her days ago.

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So today’s plans have totally fallen apart. My sister, her boyfriend, and friend are doing hibachi without me. My parents cancelled our dinner so Cody and I are back at his house now and his dad is going to make us dinner.

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It’s crazy how something as simple as miscommunications about plans made us loose the progress we’ve made over the past 6 days. I honestly thought I was getting my sister back. I actually had hope. Now… everything feels crushed. My family is hoping that she calms down by tomorrow and that we can all be peaceful again.

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Cody and I might have a poker night, finally, but not sure yet. Hopefully the rest of today goes well…

XOXO Anna

Day 3

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I got home around 11 and saw India and her boyfriend in the kitchen. After I came down from showering India said she and him were going Christmas shopping for all of us. I told her what I knew no one had gotten me yet and what was already bought for our parents.

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I went to my parents office for their Christmas party and saw Cody. While we were there India called me and asked me about what Cody would want as a Christmas gift. Now if you’ve read some of my posts about what’s been going on in our family with India, you will know that she really dislikes Cody, with a burning passion it seems. So when she called to ask what he would want for Christmas, I was floored! Maybe it’s because she saw the present he got her, and she liked it until I told her it was from him. I don’t know, but it’s progress.

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Tonight we have a family friends dinner and I am hoping that goes well. Cody is Christmas shopping today and after I blog I might go upstairs and use the xbox one that Cody and I got together and play GTA. I am a complete noob when it comes to gaming, so hopefully I can figure it out on my own.

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Maybe I’ll post later if things change, but I am probably staying at Cody’s house again. Hoping everyone is having a great holiday season!

XOXO Anna

Day 2

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Last night was pretty bad after I posted. I almost self-harmed and India said she wanted a flight out of here. I went over to Cody’s and it saved me. I felt safe and loved.

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Cody was so happy to see me. We cuddled and talked and he gave me the twin mattress and he slept on the floor. Today has been better though.

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When I got home from therapy I talked to India. We had a real conversation about her feelings and everything that happened. She still didn’t answer all my questions. I told her half the things I wrote in the letter to her. I gave the letter to her boyfriend this morning and told him to read it and to give it to her when he thinks she is ready to read it.

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Then after India and I talked she wanted to re-dye her hair and we did that together. It was so nice because that is our thing and we did it and we talked a lot. She told me all about her new life and the people she has met. I told her that all that I cared about was that she was happy.

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Things are looking up for day 2! My granddad will arrive within the hour. I’ll spend time with the family before I go to parkour with Cody, and then if things are still good I will probably sleep at my house tonight. I’m hoping that I keep making progress with India through this trip because I’ve gotten some of those old moments back with her today and it felt great.

XOXO Anna

My Sisters Home

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Cody was leaving just as my dad pulled in the driveway with my sister and her boyfriend. I don’t even remember if I said “I love you” to Cody before he left. He was really nervous when leaving too. I’ve never seen him like that. I was nervous also. The condition for my sister to come home was that Cody had to move out of our house while she was here.

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I tried saying “hi” to my sister and she old her boyfriend, “I just can’t deal with her right now” in an angry/annoyed tone. That hurt. It took me a while to be able to enter the kitchen where everyone was eating dinner. I finally entered and when mom was going to make me food I said I might just go out to eat. Mom told me I’m not allowed to leave the house. My sister was like, “Please let her go. That would be great.” That also hurt. I am not being acknowledged by her. She tried petting Luvas and playing with him but he is nervous around her. The only people he loves and is okay around is Cody and me.

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I decided to stay in for dinner. Probably not going to eat much… not in the mood to eat though I’m starving. It was also surreal to see my sister drinking beer at dinner. I remember how she used to be so against drinking and drugs and all that stuff. I really want a drink right now, hence why I wanted to go out to dinner. There’s no alcohol at the house I want to drink. But knowing how much of a light weight I am I wouldn’t be able to drive home after having a glass or two of proseco for a while. I didn’t want to go out to eat alone and sit at a restaurant alone waiting for the alcohol to subside.

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It’s day one. Nine more days to survive. I want to be able to give my sister this letter I wrote her. I hope I get the chance to, and I hope she actually reads it and doesn’t tear it into pieces.

Dear India,

I am sorry for making you feel abandoned. At least that’s what I am assuming you felt. If I made you feel that way I cannot tell you enough how terribly sorry I am. I know you say words are meaningless from me, but I hope that you can see that I am writing from my heart.

I am sorry that when I met Cody I wasn’t there for you. I am sorry I didn’t see the signs. I want you to know that I am here for you if you do ever want to talk. I know you have people for that, but if you ever do want to, I am here. If not, then that’s okay too.

I don’t know how I can make any of this right, but I want to try to make it right with you, if you want to. I am ready when you are. If you’re not ready to talk to me right now then that’s okay. I’ll be here when you are ready. And if you’re not ready to read this, then feel free to stop right now and put this away for another day when you might want to read this.

I want you to know how proud of you I am though. You have been so strong, and have been an inspiration. Sometimes I wish I had the courage that you have, especially when it comes to mom and dad. I know we aren’t on good terms right now but I want to tell you how amazing it has been to have you as my sister.

For one thing you are the funniest person I know. You always make me and people around you laugh and that’s one of my favorite things about you. You know I am not funny, and I have always envied how you seem to just do it so naturally. Honestly it’s a great quality and I hope you are still making everyone in your life laugh, including yourself.

You are always there. Ever since my trauma’s and my anorexia, when I asked for help or just needed someone to talk to you were there without judgement. You told me that everything was okay and what I was feeling was valid. That was exactly what I needed to hear since everyone else was telling me otherwise. I know that if you’re there for me like that that your friends are some of the luckiest people. Having someone who is so caring in their lives is amazing. If you treat them anything like you treat me when I am down then they have the best thing in the world- someone who genuinely cares and is patient and understanding.

Another thing I love about you is that you know what you want and you won’t let anyone else change your mind. I personally am easily swayed sometimes when people comment on my decisions, but you don’t let others opinions change anything. I like that you are that confident in yourself and your decisions. Your confidence is great and I hope you are keeping that up.

You don’t judge when someone opens up to you. I know many times I’ve been scared to open up because I am terrified that someone will judge what I am thinking or feeling, but you don’t. You can be very understanding and create a comforting environment where I feel safe enough to open up. Most people I know don’t know how to create that environment or even that kind of relationship with another person where the other feels safe enough to do so.

I am so lucky to have had you in my life. You’ve made me a better person through knowing you. You call me on my bullshit and that is another great quality. You have been a huge influence. Sometimes I think to myself “What would India do” or “How would India feel” when I am trying to decide something and get stuck. Your opinions and thoughts matter a lot to me. Maybe this is all one sided, but I wanted to let you know all this in case things between us don’t get better down the road. I miss you and love you so much. I really wish I could go back in time and change things. I know that’s not a possibility so I am going to focus on changing the future, our future.

I want to be someone worthy of having you in my life. In the past my actions might have made you feel taken for granted and if that’s the case I apologize. You are one of the most important people in my life and I want you to know that. I don’t know what actions I have to take to show that to you, but I won’t stop trying. If I fail to show you then I will try something else until I find something that works.

I’ve never been good at knowing what to do in situations where there’s conflict. The one thing I know I am good at is writing letters from my heart. This is my attempt to show you how much I care and love you. If this doesn’t work I will try something else. I just hope one day we can get on better terms.

If we don’t get past this then these past twenty years with you have been a privilege. It’s been a fun ride with great memories and stories that I’ll never forget and I’ll smile at when remembering them. If you want to talk I’m always here even if it’s twenty years down the line, I’ll always be here, waiting for you.

I love you with all my heart,

Anna

I hope she does end up reading it if I give it to her.

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Sitting alone at the dinner table now, waiting for dinner. The pain I feel sucks. The feeling of being alone also sucks. The feeling of being scared in your own house sucks. I hate walking on egg shells in my house. I hate the fact that I want to hide in the attic and am scared to leave it because my sister and her boyfriend are here. I hate feeling scared in this house again. It’s been at least five years since I’ve felt scared in my house, and it’s been great to not be scared. I feel like an outsider in this house right now. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like it would be best if I left. But it’s day one. I have to stay. I have to try. I have to push through all this bullshit.

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My sister came in and was asking mom to make tea, and mom told her she could do it and I asked for some too. I told my sister she didn’t have to make me any but she did. She actually responded to a question I asked her. Improvement.

XOXO Anna