I Hate Emotions

tumblr_n8x6rtd8ia1qft49to1_500

Emotions are killing me right now. I feel like I’ve been hyper-sensitive. I probably have been. I sent Cody these two articles, 5 Ways to Be an Ally to Your Partner’s Eating Disorder Recovery (And Avoid Triggering Them) and Anorexia Nearly Killed My Wife, and that was on saturday…he still hasn’t read them and he is only reading them today because I am asking…again.

tumblr_n88gaxyuMI1r13y9eo1_500

Also Cody and I made a lot of progress two days ago when we were arguing, which has been the norm lately. We realized that I have been shutting him out and he hasn’t felt as close. It’s true that I went into “take care of yourself mode”. It happened after the porn incident.

tumblr_n7acygdk321rlpwk5o1_500

I usually go into that mode only after I’ve been hurt or betrayed by someone who was extremely important to me. For example, after Eric left me, I didn’t ask anyone for help, even when I was suicidal except for India-but she is my sister, so that’s different. It’s always been the pattern in my life that after someone leaves, or betrays me, I never go back to relying on them for anything. I tried to do that with Ethan, but he told me I couldn’t rely on him anymore, so I decided that I wouldn’t do that.

tumblr_nc5mh8q4ym1tq4of6o1_500

Cody wants me to talk to him and for me to let him know what’s going on with me. He wants me to open up to him again, and trust him and all that. So since he has asked, that is what I’ve been doing. It’s been hard…like really hard at times, and easy at other times. But today it was hard. I did ask for him to read the articles and I was very hurt that he didn’t. He acknowledged that he said he would read the articles but didn’t and that he was sorry. That makes me feel better because at least he acknowledged that he did break his word- hence me not being able to really trust what he says he is going to do.

tumblr_n8bl6aTv6i1syvv1do6_250

But we are making progress. I am scared to do the whole rely on Cody again and open up, but I am doing it. I am letting him know if something comes up or if he says or does something that rubs me the wrong way. I feel bad though because I don’t want to hurt Cody when I tell him that something he did (or didn’t do) upset me. But the whole letting him in and being honest thing is better. I feel better. I feel like I am getting heard. I also at the same time sometimes feel selfish for expressing my opinions or something because I don’t know, was it selfish of me to want him- or expect him- to read those articles without me badgering him? I don’t know.

tumblr_ny4a8neIHB1tza91io1_250

Sometimes I don’t know what I’m allowed to ask for. Not that I’m not allowed, to that Cody makes me feel like that…it’s just that old people in my life made me feel like I was selfish if I asked for stuff I wanted, or if I expressed me thoughts or opinions that they were irrelevant or stupid. I still am working on myself and working on getting comfortable with standing up for myself and what I want and need from a person, and also balance that with their wants and needs.

XOXO Anna

Sex and Anorexia

tumblr_ndc2fpC0BK1u0nn1fo1_500

When we are younger we grow up thinking sex is something amazing, flawless, and something you do only when you love the person. At least that’s how I was introduced to sex. Sex seemed like this special thing that happened once you were mature enough to experience it. The way society portrays sex in movies or in TV shows further pushed that message. In the movies, there are two attractive people, and the experience is perfect and amazing. In reality sex is not always so smooth. What society fails to portray is that sex can be awkward. It can be funny, it can be intimate, it can be embarrassing, it can be scary, it can be violent, and so on.

images

Sex for me was awkward and pleasurable for the most part before the rapes. Sex then turned into something scary. I was terrified by intimacy and never wanted it. Anorexia also built up a wall between intimacy. I remember every time I was doing anything sexual with Ethan I was so self-conscious about my body that I couldn’t really enjoy whatever we were doing. With other guys, like one night hookups, it wasn’t as much as a problem-mainly because I was intoxicated to some degree I couldn’t be bothered to think about that. With Eric sex was intimate at times, which was new for me. It was scary.

tumblr_nhq02rro5f1rge4fho1_500

Sex with Cody these past eight months has been amazing. There have obviously been the ups and downs. The times were it ended because of my flashbacks, or times I would start crying in the middle of it. But besides those times, sex was something that was intimate most of the time, which I had never had. Anorexia has sometimes gotten in the way. This past week it has gotten in the way. I have been super self-conscious of my body, like insanely so that the anorexic voice in my head has been beating me all week. I’ve definitely restricted this week.

tumblr_nt22aikynb1u97q5ro1_500

Last night sex sucked not because Cody isn’t great at sex, but because I was so disgusted with myself and how I looked that I couldn’t get into it, thus not feeling anything. Today we had sex and I started crying a bit, and then we talked and later had amazing sex. But that amazing sex we had…I was damn exhausted. After we were done and went to clean off, I was dizzy. I still am. I’ve been doing my sociology homework, kind of. I should do my police work but I don’t know if I have the mental energy to concentrate on that podcast. Also we are going to see a movie later, so I have to get my work done now.

tumblr_nnab8hqfX31u8hb0vo1_500

I just want to sleep. But I can’t. My memory sucks right now, I’m exhausted beyond belief, my moods are everywhere, and all the other stupid anorexia stuff slowly is coming back. Anorexia is a killer.

XOXO Anna

Satisfaction and It’s My Birthday!

tumblr_ny7ugix52N1uch1hio1_500

Yesterday was fun again. Cody and I had amazing sex again. We met up with more friends and drank and got a nice dinner. My favorite part of yesterday was going into the club that Eric works at as a bartender now. I was wearing this skin tight blue dress, that Eric once told me I looked amazing in right after our breakup. Cody and I walk in, we sit down and I turn my head up when Eric comes over and his face was priceless.

tumblr_mny1ogZMDX1sskqzho1_500

He looked so petrified and literally if you could imagine the word “Fuck” across someone’s face that what he looked like. I wish I had a picture!

So he asks “what do you want to drink?”

I say, “Shocktop.”

He says, “we don’t have that.”

I say, “well, what do you have that’s similar?”

He doesn’t respond.

“You have beer right?” I asked.

He nods, “Yeah we have beer.”

“Okay so what do you have that’s like Shocktop,” I reply.

He starts listing some things I’ve hear and I reject each one. He goes away for a second and talks to his bosses and comes back saying that they have Bluemoon.

Cody and I nod and Eric goes to get our drinks. He brings back one Bluemoon and a Cors Light and goes to serve other people. I tell Cody that Eric brought me the wrong beer. Cody told me to tell Eric. When Eric came back to our side I caught his attention and turned the beer to him to show him the label.

“Looks like someone doesn’t know how to stock,” Eric said nervously.

Yeah I did give him some attitude but it was funny to watch Eric’s response. Then after he gave me the correct beer Eric totally started to try to show off with his bar “skills” with flipping bottles and dancing and stuff. It was actually kind of sad. But Cody and I had a great time and kissed and talked and made out and talked.

I wanted to go into that bar the night before but chickened out, so I am really proud I had the courage to go in and show Eric that I was doing great. He hurt me badly and I am not one for revenge or any of that, but going into that bar and seeing his face was priceless.

tumblr_nxt42xGa4m1s82japo1_250

When Cody and I got back to the hotel we had an amazing talk about our feelings and how we are so happy together.

tumblr_nwhhdu088I1uc4xwdo1_250

Today is my birthday and I am 22! Tonight I am doing a birthday dinner with Cody, Quick Silver, and Andy at my favorite restaurant and then we are all going back to Andy’s afterwards. Hoping I have a great birthday this year!

XOXO Anna

P.S. sorry about the lack of gifs from posts during my trip here. Internet crazy slow meaning the gifs take over an hour to load…

Figured It Out

tumblr_mvgl5lLCST1qb3dq0o4_250

I’ve written about how things have been hectic with my sister running away, but until today I never knew why everything about it was bothering me so much.

tumblr_muvoo6N5MZ1qch21xo1_r1_250

Ever since she has left it’s as if my family has been slowly falling a part. There has been no constant. By that I mean, no person who is constantly there or reliable. Besides Cody. My sister used to be my constant. I knew that no matter what happened or how far away we were if I really needed her she would be there for me. But given everything that’s happened she obviously isn’t my constant anymore.

tumblr_mjewj5790S1rng8zfo1_500

My parents never were constants. I am not saying that they are bad or anything but my mom, well, I never know if she is going to have my back or criticize me first. My dad is better though, for the most part I know that he will be there, but will mention some criticism. But my sister…she never judged or criticized me when I went to her with things.

tumblr_mpztze2ZEX1rzxc18o1_500

But she’s gone now. I mean, she’s alive and all, but it honestly feels as if she is dead. I feel like I am mourning her, and have been for the past couple months. Maybe, to those who’ve been reading my posts, you realized that I was mourning her, but that’s not what I’ve figured out. I partly already knew that, but didn’t want to admit it.

tumblr_nk2td60Pdo1rc3z3ro1_1280

What I figured out, was going through all this, having my parents be on her side and me being kinda out of the loop with this… it really does feel like our family is falling a part. It feels as if I don’t have a family right now, and that is really sad.

tumblr_nwlis6LFfV1tw3kd8o1_500

My therapist said to me today if anything about my adoption had come up, and it has. This whole family mess that we are going through has definitely brought up my feelings from being adopted. I feel so many things right now.

tumblr_nrhq12L0Gl1upoxhuo1_500

I feel terrified that everything is truly going to fall apart. I feel scared that everyone is going to leave me (whether it actually be physically or emotionally or mentally). I know Cody says he is going to stay by my side and we are going to get through all this together… and it’s nice to hear, but part of me feels scared. Scared because Cody in a way has taken my sister’s place…as in he is my constant. I’ve had multiple people be my constants throughout the past couple years, Ethan, Eric, my sister, and some others but every one of them left or betrayed me. Part of me is dead terrified to think what would happen if Cody and I broke up because reality is I know exactly what I would do if Cody and I ever break up…and that’s whats scary. I know how deeply I would feel that pain. Just as deeply as I am feeling the pain that’s come from my sister leaving me.

tumblr_n8z0vbsHYi1t9jkyqo1_500

My parents are out of town right now. My sister doesn’t answer my texts. I am spending Thanksgiving with Cody and his family. I don’t know if this is strange to say but growing up, because my parents were busy with work, my sister and I would usually be with friends and their families a lot. I know that I can think of two families from my childhood who still feel like they are family to me. I feel like if I needed I could call them up and ask if I could come over to visit and talk and maybe just stay the night if things ever got bad and I needed to escape.

tumblr_mtfwifo4yD1sayodwo1_500

I grew up knowing I was adopted and I knew that blood did not make a family. Because I didn’t really attach to my mom, I seemed to attach to my friends moms easily. I love my mom, I do, but part of me doesn’t understand her at times. We just don’t connect because we can be very different when emotions come up. She handles it by not talking about whatever is going on. If the topic is brought up she would tell us to stop talking about it. That’s how she handles things and for me, when I try to come to her with emotional things, it must bring up stuff for her, because she dismisses my feelings or thoughts at times. It hurts.

tumblr_nxt42xGa4m1s82japo1_250

I feel very disconnected from my family right now. The only person I feel close to right now is Cody, and that scares me. I mean, yay whoopee I am close to my boyfriend which is kind of how it’s supposed to be in a relationship- but- it’s scary because I feel as if I have no one else.

tumblr_n4i3n97nQS1s3x4bho1_500

I want to feel like I have my parents. I want to feel like I have my sister. I want to feel as if I had my family. I mean, is it sad to feel like your boyfriends family is more accepting of you and wants to spend time with you than your own family?

tumblr_nxgobsJyGT1utdf6go1_500

tumblr_n9ivutZkZI1t9jkyqo1_500

So much adoption stuff is going on in my head. I’ve been thinking about it all day ever since I got out of therapy. I even took a nap to try to just turn my mind off for a bit.But I am awake and thinking about how this family situation is making me feel alone. I feel so alone and scared it’s not even funny. I feel like I have no family, and my whole life family has been the most important thing to me. I don’t know what to do with my feelings, or what I am supposed to get from all this, but at least I figured out why I’ve been so upset. It makes a lot more sense now.

XOXO Anna

Stress, PTSD, Adoption

tumblr_nn87tn9xVK1tv3dejo1_500

Yesterday I had my job interview, I personally have no idea on how it went. But with my cynical personality I tend to think that maybe I won’t get the job….but who knows! Anyways, I talked to my sister yesterday and it sucked. It really made me depressed (and that was after me being sad about the job interview). I went home and finished watching some chick flick and had two glasses of prosecco. Cody came home as the movie was finishing. I was not happy. I thought he wouldn’t be home that soon so he caught me watching a chick flick and drinking.

tumblr_n92pgvpgnb1s8c6bfo1_500

Chick flicks aren’t my thing, unless I’m sad and feeling romantic. I watch chick flicks when I feel like I have no real romantic future for myself, so why not lose myself in a stupid movie that makes it seem like people can get happy endings. As I stated before, I was having a very low day yesterday.

Cody ended up cheering me up. I was jealous that he went to hang with his brother. I mean, great for him, go do that. Hell, I wish I could do that with my sister. But my sister and I are still not on the best of terms I guess. I’m happy that Cody got to hang with his brother but it made me realize how much I miss hanging with my sister.

tumblr_nv1jqliarQ1t8xdr4o1_500

tumblr_nrhndgP6pC1u1i4bqo5_r1_250

At the moment I have Cody and Serena as my options for people to hang out with. Cody has all his friends. Like he is hanging with one of his friends tomorrow, and I’m happy that he is doing that but it makes me wish I had some friends around me to hang out with. Maybe I’ll text Ethan, or other people from GA and see if they are free to Skype around the time that Cody will be hanging with his friend. I just don’t think anyone will be free to Skype with me… but I’ll try.

tumblr_ncg5597ZhT1qgjzaqo1_500

I guess since I hadn’t blogged in a while nor have I written in my journal, I didn’t realize how much Monster stuff, sister stuff, and school stuff was affecting me. I looked up classes for spring semester today and I am excited for the classes I want to take but it reminded me that I am not in school right now and it sucks. I love being in school. I know I may sound like a nerd but I love to learn.

tumblr_npulqimPP41thkttwo1_400

My sister being distant has been hard. I just wish we could make up and talk about everything and she would let me in and I could help. I want to go back to the days of us in the TV room, watching shows together while eating our smart food and drinking tea and coffee. It was our thing and we haven’t done that in ages. Now I just watch TV by myself, and sometimes I turn my head to make a comment but my sister isn’t there. It’s sad.

tumblr_mrr0klfsyy1r8cniio1_500

tumblr_mvr1zcaST11s63dczo1_500

tumblr_n0bkawNLwt1s4ip2qo1_500

Monster stuff has been coming up for a while without me realizing it until a couple days ago. But watching that chick flick yesterday just made me think of Monster, and watching the movie with the couple that got the happy ending of being together despite the struggles they had made me feel like I would never get the happily ever after. I know I may sound like a kid with a dream, but that’s okay. Everyone has dreams. My dream is to have a family and career. Peter, Monster, and Owen took that dream from me. Though even before them, when I was with Ethan, he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for a real commitment.

tumblr_nh1lo36apV1titzlso1_500

Ethan saw this gif, and I said that was so mean, and he said “yeah, I am going to do that for someone someday, it will be funny.” Note how he said someone. I guess I never got the message from anyone that I was long term material. I know that most guys see me as short term because they see me as a hot fuck. Which sucks. But whatever.

tumblr_mjpyqeqRHP1s8unaco1_250

Before I met Cody, I envisioned my future as someone who had only their career and their pet. No husband or boyfriend, no real friends, and no kids. The best possible scenario I envisioned was me adopting and being a single mom. That was my happy ending that I saw after my trauma’s, and the single mom thing was if I was lucky. I know that when Cody heard me say that to him once he was sad that I thought of my future like that.

tumblr_n1yiojsQ591ro7kx2o1_500

Now I actually do see a real possibility for a normal future. The one I dreamt of. But at the same time, with Monster stuff coming up, it threatens that dream of mine. It makes me feel like even though Cody and I are good, and he loves me and sees a future with me, I somehow think it’s going to disappear or be taken away. I know it’s irrational, but I just can’t help it I guess. I don’t think that all the time, it’s only when I feel vulnerable or down or some other emotion that is accosted with something negative. That’s why yesterday was so hard on me. I felt the job interview didn’t go so well, so I felt like a failure or rejected which brings out my trauma feelings, hence why I started thinking that I don’t get to have the future I dreamed of.

tumblr_nfz4fvOxZL1qatd7ho1_500

I am trying to figure out what I can do to make me feel better. I know being social could potentially make me feel better, but who the hell am I supposed to be social with?! I don’t want to hang with Serena again, I just hung out with her the other day. I just wish I had my guy friends around. I wanna hang with them. I want to feel like I actually do have friends and am not some loner loser. I know I am being quite harsh with my words towards myself. It’s just this is how I felt back in high school. I was a loner in high school. I had my small group of friends, but other than that I was a loner.

tumblr_nsii16vpDO1ubj5mao1_400

Cody seems to have so many friends and right now I feel like I have none. It’s a bit hard. Especially because of the fact that right now Monster stuff is coming up, I know I am not supposed to isolate or hide. I am supposed to try to go out and have fun.

tumblr_nq25qfg3IR1spa26ao1_500

But how am I supposed to have fun? Please tell me because for me, and my past, fun meant getting drunk and finding a guy to go home with to forget the fact that I went through the trauma’s. And right now, realizing that Monster stuff is coming up makes me want to avoid and hide. I want to pretend that all of it never happened to me.

tumblr_n3lotad26q1smcbm7o1_250

I definitely am starting to struggle with my PTSD again…yay me for being not strong enough or something. I know that in my PTSD book it says that when symptoms come up it doesn’t mean you’re a failure, but right now I feel so angry. Angry at myself and angry at Monster. I know Cody says that my PTSD and anorexia and other stuff isn’t who I am, but it is part of me. I know that he says I make him happy and he loves me, but the part of me that was violated by these guys doesn’t comprehend that still.

tumblr_nlxb735SP11tg49y0o1_400

People say experience is one of life’s best teachers. In my experience people eventually bail because of my PTSD. Cody says he isn’t going to bail. I’ve heard that before. I know he is different than the other people and I shouldn’t compare…but I am a bit scared. Hell, Eric was there for three years and then suddenly walks away as if I meant nothing to him. It seemed so easy for him to leave…after THREE FUCKING YEARS! Yeah, I’m angry. So much for best friends and being family, it obviously meant nothing. But see, it took Eric three years to leave me but he left. The others seem to come and go. They are there for me and then they will leave when things get tough, and somehow we come back together and the cycle repeats. There’s a reason I fear abandonment. I know my abandonment issues go way beyond these past couple years. It honestly, in my opinion, stems from my adoption. I am not sure if I’ve talked about my adoption on here yet, but I am now.

tumblr_ndo3n4Ecsk1tysr3vo1_500

I’ve talked with my parents multiple times about my adoption. I think that me feeling unlovable and unworthy and undeserving all stems from my adoption. In my mind, I honestly don’t know how a parent could give up their child. I am not judging those who have, that’s your choice. For me, I think back and imagine having my parents give me away. Maybe it was hard for them, maybe it wasn’t their choice, maybe other things were at play. But at the end of the day, my thoughts on my adoption are that I was unwanted. If my own biological parents didn’t want me then why the hell would anyone else want me? I know, I’m being a little cynical and depressing, but it’s how I feel at times. But I know that my real parents want me and love me. I know that some stupid people who are my biological parents shouldn’t define whether I am good enough, lovable, wanted, and so on. They truly are just meaningless. The only thing they were good for was creating me, so why should I put so much weight into them? Who cares if they gave me away? Maybe it’s not me who isn’t deserving but it’s them? Because even though I’ve gone through a lot, I think I am deserving of lots of things. I think I am deserving of love and respect. I think I am worthy…as long as I don’t think about my adoption and trauma’s that is. So I am a fucking work in progress, which I will always be.

tumblr_nerchqYNhw1twuv7fo1_500

I guess I have to be okay with the fact that I am human and I am not perfect.

XOXO Anna

Suicide Medicine

I found that song on my sister’s computer and now it’s one of my songs I listen to when depressed.

tumblr_nqkc3odEAO1u1b4vlo1_500

I am low. I cut again tonight. I snuck into my dads bag and found a sewing kit and found a safety pin. I took that into my shower and I tried cutting over my XO but since I fucked it up the other night I just couldn’t get it right and it just hurt too much before I drew any little amount of blood so I gave up. Also Cody asked to Skype and I told him, and he let me go to finish cutting while he skyped his friend while gaming or something.

I tried to go over my XO but it just was getting me more frustrated and wasn’t serving my need. I ended up going below my tattoo on my wrist and starting a new, smaller, XO. I got that right and got to see minimal blood. Scratching yourself with a safety pin and making an XO is actually time consuming. It takes time to scratch in an XO. Maybe my sister and other cutters have it right with using razor blades so it’s quick. I just can’t use anything too sharp for fear of doing real damage. I rather be in as much control with my self harm as I can. I don’t want to go deep and I don’t want to kill myself, or have that risk while self-harming.

tumblr_newatwWtwT1sbxkwko1_500

I like being in control and just scratching to the point where blood is starting. Then I stop. Though I’ll admit I had a hard time stopping tonight. I got to where I wanted. A new XO is on my wrist. It had it’s minimal blood showing but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t get further with that though, so I cut lines under it because all the other space on my arm between the top XO and the bottom XO was taken.

tumblr_njy3ul4wLe1re7kzxo1_500

I lied to my parents tonight. My dad had to come into the bathroom once and I said I was relaxing. My mom came in to brush her teeth and asked if I was self-harming and I said no, just taking a bath. I haven’t self-harmed, and lied about it in what seems like ages.

tumblr_mnboipO5Cf1rf6k3to1_500

Today would have marked seven months clean of self-harming. Also my three month anniversary with Cody also marks my one year since I stopped getting drunk. AA back in GA called me today asking if I still went and if they were going to need to make my one year chip with my name on it, but I told them I moved out of GA. You guys have no idea how much I wish I could be getting that chip. I honestly haven’t lost myself in drinking since I went to AA. I mean I’ve definitely drank and gotten drunk, but I haven’t been as bad as I was before AA. I mean, I used to get drunk every thursday, friday, and saturday night back in my fall quarter in my sophomore year. Until I got with Monster. Eric and Ethan made sure I didn’t keep drinking.

tumblr_nf7ileJNQQ1teiswao1_500

But I hate how much has changed. So much is going on. With my sister running away, and staying here and not coming home with us, it kills me. It kills me to know what she went through, the pain she is suffering, and what she is or was doing to herself. But hey, I self harmed the other day and today so I can’t judge, but then again my self harm is quite minimal compared to others.

tumblr_n1vs6gSqIM1s9prw9o5_250

I know I haven’t told you all about what’s going on with my sister and my family and the situation we are in, and I can’t reveal that until maybe another day or two, but it is a very difficult situation. I cried when I had to say goodbye to her today.

tumblr_n9qcxarnGE1rlnbkeo1_250

Hell we had dinner with her and the people she was staying with and at the end I excused myself to get some air and the thought of running away or just walking into traffic crossed my mind. And when my and my mom and dad went to a bar after that thought of walking into traffic plagued my mind.

tumblr_nm638jlghe1u70q2yo1_500

So I did the lesser of two evils. I cut. But that doesn’t mean that suicide has left my mind. I know I’m writing about it and I am sorry if it worries anyone. I have said it in past posts that I would never commit suicide, but I do need to talk about it. I need to say that I am suffering right now. I am going through a lot and so many things are going on and I am not sure how I am going to get through it all.

tumblr_no2h9ro65F1s9rs2wo2_500

  1. My sister ran away, wrote of suicide, admitted to something I can’t reveal, and self harms and my family is completely helpless and can’t do anything about it because she is 18.
  2. It’s that time of year. Eric and I were together last year around this time. I also reported Monster just about now last year. Eric dumped me and I dealt with Monster getting away with rape by myself.
  3. November 7th will be coming up, which is the anniversary of Monster raping me.
  4. I am not going to school this semester because of my sister. School was the only thing that was making things better and keeping me grounded and made me have a purpose. I was heading towards my goals and now I am stuck with nothing. I feel useless and purposeless.

tumblr_nesj0v4u4j1rhn1o8o1_500

So things aren’t looking too good right now. I mean, hey I’ll try to stay positive and not completely lose myself in a pit of depression and self hatred. I know I am not being super positive right now but I just have been so strong for everyone else while this whole situation has been going on, and seeing my sister is what made me crack, what made me brake.

tumblr_ndwgij92V81tq4of6o1_500

Also I know how stupid this is but Cody is playing games and wanted me to Skype with him and his friend he is playing with but why in the god fuck would I Skype with a stranger while I am this depressed and just self harmed? Like if anything I want to Skype with Cody just so I can talk to JUST HIM so I can not feel as bad as I am feeling now. I obviously suck at hinting over FB message that I … it doesn’t matter.

I am just so low so why bring anyone else down with me right? No Cody would absolutely hate me if I… but I can’t ruin his fun.

tumblr_nc5mh8q4ym1tq4of6o1_500

I feel like a loser and a failure and gross and meaningless and worthless and undeserving and fuck. I just have no self esteem right now. I have no motivation and I have no confidence what so fucking ever. I want to talk to someone. I want to reach out for help but I can’t. I have to be strong or appear strong for my parents. I don’t want to burden anyone either. I feel so bad right now. And I’ve been writing notes down on my phone of my feelings from the past couple days and fuck. I scare myself with what I feel. I haven’t felt this kind of depression in a while. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel so fucking bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to ask for help, or even deserve help even if I ask. Fuck I am back to where I was before college. Back to my secrecy and self hatred. Unless I get the courage to let someone know how I am truly feeling…

tumblr_npltnpJT621sasc57o1_500

tumblr_mvgl5lLCST1qb3dq0o4_250

tumblr_mj452hkHV91rng8zfo1_500

tumblr_mjewj5790S1rng8zfo1_500

tumblr_mw21zugHYm1s0krrio1_500

tumblr_ndhkqbexIk1u19673o1_500

tumblr_mjdiu2b4dX1qdgumpo1_500

XOXO Anna

Letter Of Anger

tumblr_n25usnuvf31rbgp12o1_500

So in treatment today we all wrote letters to people we were angry at. I decided to share because I had been wanting to be able to share but was too scared until now. The response was so positive. They told me I should share what I wrote, so here it goes.

Dear Peter, fuck you. You took my first sexual experience from me.

Dear Monster, what is wrong with you? I was your girlfriend, I lost my virginity to you, and then you end up raping me? Are you fucking kidding me? You betrayed me in the worst way possible.

Dear Eric, I hate you for abandoning me. We promised no matter what, we’d always be friends. You turned into everything you never wanted to me. I’ll never understand your betrayal. Fuck you.

Dear Owen, what the hell is wrong with you? We were dating, making progress, and you rape me? What is your problem? Were you really that insecure? Seriously?

Because of you guys I left GA, my school, my old life. The Anna I once was is dead and gone. I’ve lost so much because of these trauma’s. But I’m not letting you guys win. I am going to NYC, studying psychology and criminology, and one day I’ll be putting people like you behind bars.

After I spoke that aloud, they all clapped. They said it was an empowering and inspiring letter. One girl even said I was her hero. Another said it sounded like slam poetry. So I decided to share.

XOXO Anna

Therapy, A Trip To The ER, and Intoxication

On Monday I had therapy. I bailed on treatment because I was feeling sick and my mouth were still hurting like a bitch. When I went to therapy I had no idea how much was really going on in my head until I sat down and started talking. There was so fucking much! I mean for god’s sake I couldn’t even shut my mouth for a second at times. There were so many topics that we covered. We talked about my family life at home, we talked about Cody, we talked about Eric and Monster.

tumblr_mjegu2Thrx1rw6xfho1_500

See for the past week or so I’ve been seriously nostalgic. I have been thinking about Eric- a lot. That really annoyed me, because why in hell should I be here missing that douche bag? So we talked about it. It was around this time last year that Eric and I were together and getting closer than ever. That all fell a part when we went back to school and I reported Monster. I hate transitions. Transitions usually mean loss or breakups or just bad things in general. I hated how most of the session focused on my life back in GA. But, then again, I really miss GA, but I’m better off here. I want my friends. I want it to be a year ago, before all the bad things happened. Well, a year ago I had still gone through bad things, but me, Eric, and Ethan were still a family.

I want the three musketeers back. That’s never going to happen. It sucks. At least Ethan is still in my life in the way of us texting occasionally about our writing and stories. Eric is gone. Completely fucking erased from my life. That’s hard. In the past year I’ve lost the three closet people to me, Ethan, Eric, and my sister. I guess I didn’t realize how hard it was on me until we talked in therapy about it.

We also talked a lot about Cody, and how to handle the transition back to school, and being able to help Cody with his work and make sure he doesn’t fall behind. But after therapy on Monday I felt a lot better. I felt like I understood why I was so “off”.

Monday evening after Cody and I had had sex for the second time that night, I went to the shower and I suddenly had a pain in my lower abdomen. It became excruciating quite quickly, and it felt like something had or was going to burst. Cody begged to take me to the ER but I refused and said that we should wait. The pain dulled after a couple minutes but I was still having jabbing pains all night. In the morning I told my parents and they told me I should have gone to the ER last night or woken them up. So yesterday Cody drove me to the ER.

tumblr_n6gk0zF1vT1sdyulzo2_250

Let’s just say that Cody was fucking AMAZING. Like holy fucking hell, what a fucking trooper he has been. He hates the dentist, but last thursday he took me and was there with me when they put me under. Now, he goes to the ER with me, even though he hates hospitals, and he stays with me until I was discharged. Like, dude, no one’s ever been so kind or sweet to me. As Cody and I later discussed that evening, I guess I have a warped idea of what a boyfriend is and isn’t. Cody said that he is my boyfriend and that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship. When he said that it kinda hit me.

tumblr_no6guqQS9e1sjrk2fo1_400

In the past, my relationships were very….superficial I guess you could say. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Ethan and I were emotionally close and stuff, but just because you’re emotionally close to someone doesn’t mean… I don’t know. Just, in my past relationships, aside from Ethan since we never had sex, my relationships with my ex’s were mainly based on sex and me buying them things. With Monster, sure he seemed to “care” but honestly when push came to shove he would never take me to the dentist if I needed. Same with Eric. They would probably both find me a nuisance in asking, let alone them actually having to do that.

So Cody made me realize how bad I’ve had it. Or how shitty it’s been. It’s nice to have something different, someone who actually gives a flying fuck about me, you know? Like I actually felt genuinely loved and cared about yesterday. Not to say Cody hasn’t made me feel that before, but yesterday it just really sunk in. Yesterday I felt things shift, in a good way. It was change, progress within our relationship.

tumblr_n3lotad26q1smcbm7o1_250

I felt terrible about Cody having to be stuck with me at the hospital while they did all these tests, but he said he didn’t mind. He said he wanted to be there. He even said to me, “I don’t think you understand how much I love you.” I replied “I guess not, or I won’t let myself understand that.”

tumblr_npab3yJNdj1uodbvyo1_500

It probably is true though, I don’t know if I have let myself understand that. Or acknowledge or believe or whatever word you want to use. Yesterday kind of proved something to me, that Cody really fucking must love me if he fucking stayed by my side in a hospital for 5 hours. Like, my mind tries to rationalize things away, even good things, or minimize the good things, or try to put them into perspective. It’s a defense mechanism I’ve picked up since my first trauma. But yesterday in the ER with Cody holding my hand through some tests that I was not happy to have done to me, something just clicked and my defense mechanism couldn’t fight it. This boy must really fucking care about me. It’s very strange. In the best way possible though. And when I was discharged, I had a co-pay of $200 and Cody said he would pay it. I told him he was crazy, but he paid it. He fucking spent $200 on me. I mean, I’ve spent a little more on him for this surprise thing I’m doing for him, but I’m used to being the one in the relationship who spends money on the other person, not the other way around. Like again, can we say that he is like a fucking prince or knight in shining armor?

Anyways, it turned out that I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured. All I have to do is follow up with my OBGYN and take it easy I guess until the pain is fully gone.

Cody got asked out to a boys night. We got home and I told him to go. He fucking deserved it after all for being such a fucking prince. Like jeez. So we went home, had some food and watched Pulp Fiction and cuddled which was really nice. So afterwards he was leaving for boys night. Cody proved something to me that day, spending it with me in the ER, and it made me trust him more, feel more… I don’t know, like it was an actual real relationship. Because I felt that things had progressed or I felt that sense of security or safety or whatever, I didn’t mind letting him go out for boys night.

tumblr_mz3c33DHa61s729t6o1_500

Now, for me, in the past, boys night, with my past boyfriends was dangerous territory. With Monster… well, it meant the potential for cheating. With Eric, it meant drinking to excess and possible mistakes being made or just really bad decisions. See because of my past, and my ex’s, I guess I do have warped ideas about certain things, but that’s only because that’s all I’ve known. Monster, I hated that he would drink and get drunk, or get high in front of me. It sucked. I hated that Eric would, before we dated, be so controlling of me and my drinking. I hated that all he thought about was what girl he could lay the night we went out to some party. Then when we were together, when we got back to school, he was invited to this party and wasn’t allowed to take me. Bull fucking shit. He just didn’t want me to go, and I figured it was because he was starting to look for someone else. I mean, he broke up with me a week or so after, so hey, what can I say?

So as you see, boys night, or drinking and getting drunk, for me, leads to bad things. It brings up a lot of bad emotions. But I told Cody I trusted him, to go out with the guys and have a couple drinks. I spent the evening watching TV and trying to not fall asleep. By 10:30 I was exhausted and went to bed. It’s funny though, as I was getting dressed for bed and grabbed Cody’s boxers to wear I had this bad feeling in my stomach, one feeling I know all too well.

See, in the past, I’ve tried to stay on the positive side with my ex’s going out and having fun or other things, but there were those days where I got that feeling and things weren’t good.

tumblr_mnmwirj6W21qd0tcho1_500

I decided to put Cody’s boxers on and ignore the bad feeling and just toss it off as me being worried or paranoid. I couldn’t shake the feeling though, so I didn’t do what I normally did for comfort when Cody isn’t there to sleep with me. I usually spray his axe on the pillow next to me so it’s as if he is there, at least scent wise. I didn’t do that last night though, because I felt this bad feeling and I just didn’t want to be let down.

I fall asleep. I don’t know what time it is, but I’m woken up and Cody is there in my room, drunk. I swear the front door was locked when I went upstairs, he says it was unlocked and that’s how he got in. I knew he was coming over, but I did not expect this. It’s not fun to be woken up and realize your boyfriend is drunk and he drove home like that.

tumblr_n25usnuvf31rbgp12o1_500

I was so angry. I had to write out a letter of all my feelings so I wouldn’t explode on him because he didn’t need that. I didn’t want to over react or yell. I wanted to process my feelings and talk in a healthy way. It’s been a goal of mine to take a minute before talking when angry, that way real communication and progress can take place. Cody got back from the bathroom and saw the note. “Can I read this in the bathroom? I don’t want you to see me crying.” He said that and I was shocked. I had no idea he would cry. I mean, he knew I was not happy at all with him, but that was a shock. I let him have the letter.

tumblr_mzolmiHDpc1qgtf8yo1_500

He came back and he laid on the bed and started crying, like for real crying, like a real fucking cry. He kept saying how sorry he was. I was so shocked I had no idea what to do for a second. I told him I knew he was sorry and that he just can’t ever get that drunk again or drive like that again. We did end up talking about it once he calmed down. I told him why I got so angry (Eric and Monster issues) and I know he is not the cheating type, but the thing that worried me was the driving home drunk part. Cody and I made a deal that neither of us would ever drive intoxicated. That’s why I was so mad. He broke our deal, that’s what hurt. If anything had happened to him last night I would have felt like it was my fault because I told him to go have a boys night. Hell, if… I don’t even want to think about it, but I don’t know what I would have done if anything had happened. He told me not to let him go over three drinks, and to not let him drive if he ever did get over three drinks, and I told him I would do that for him.

So my anger and hurt came from a place of caring. I care about him so much which was why I was so mad and couldn’t believe it. It was like he was a different person. I don’t know, it’s just last night shook me. I felt like we had made so much progress that day in the ER and it felt like it all was lost or came crumbling down, and that’s why I was sad when I woke up this morning.

Hopefully everyone else is having a good day!

XOXO Anna

Drinking, Feelings, and Relationships

tumblr_nn87tn9xVK1tv3dejo1_500

Yesterday was a very interesting day. I woke up with Cody and we went out to brunch. I knew there was nothing for me to eat there. I got a drink, as in alcoholic, and then another and had a bit of Cody’s friends salad.

We all then went to the bar Cody likes and I got two more drinks. One while Cody was there, and another when his friend took him to get his car. Not a good choice on my part with little food in my stomach. I don’t really remember leaving the bar. The fact that I drank so much that I don’t remember or that it is so fuzzy I need someone to tell me worried me.

So I have decided to cut back on drinking, like a lot. I’m going to see if I can find a good AA meeting around me. I really miss the ones back at my school in GA. They had a great one! I went on days I didn’t even have the urge to drink because the people were so friendly.

Last night when Cody was over I told him I was going to be cutting back and I would possibly need his help, especially if we are in that kind of environment where everyone is drinking. There’s a reason I had to give up the party life while I started going to AA. I honestly wasn’t ready to be around people drinking at that point because it was too tempting for me to drink.

I then was trying to figure out why I was drinking so much. Things are pretty good right now, so why the drinking? Well, I think a lot has to do with the little things just building up. For one, a new relationship. Being in a relationship can be stressful to anyone, but for me, because of my past it takes more adjusting. Then my sister hates me. My mom isn’t helping when it comes to my eating disorder. My dad was in the hospital. Also, I am trying my best to eat! That means I have taken away not eating as a coping skill. As they say you trade one addiction for another. I used to trade my anorexia for cutting or drinking. I can’t cut. So I guess I turned to drinking. Also, I am doing EMDR so that brings up a lot of crap.

Today I have a therapy session and I am going to ask if we can start up EMDR again. See, we do a couple EMDR sessions and then take a break for a couple sessions because of how intense it can get.

tumblr_nk0bt2HZQk1uo5qwxo1_500

But anyways! Last night Cody was freaking amazing. Like I was super stressing because my mom and I just talked and she said a comment about treatment and I was done. She was like, “I don’t care if you go back tomorrow or ever. You don’t need treatment. You use it as a crutch.” Sorry but …holy fucking crap. She is wrong. See, there are times I can handle it without treatment, but the thing is, once I stop eating for enough days, that’s when I need the help. If I catch it early, I can get back on track. But once it becomes a pattern or “normal” then I can’t get back to eating on my own. That’s what happened this time round.

I was trying to eat on my own, couldn’t. My sister and I started doing a meal plan thing, it was hard. I got eight days of following it, and then I started having a social life and my eating fell to shit. I needed Renfrew at that point because no amount of having someone sit me down to eat was going to make me eat.

tumblr_mbci6sXJiw1qcldlc

tumblr_m70jssYQu91qgxuf5o3_250

Anyways, so Cody was awesome, he gave me this fucking to die for back massage. It really relaxed me because I was so wound up. Like Jesus! So fucking amazing. Then Cody and I were talking more, and he was just telling me all the sweetest things. Like there was a point at which I was honestly speechless and had no idea what to say. He was saying things like how beautiful I am, and how pretty my face is and how there are just things I do that make me adorable. Like he says it’s the little things about me that he loves. Also! Oh my god, there are times when Cody and I are talking and he just says things in the most poetic way. I can’t even handle it. Last night he was explaining how again, I am separate from my problems. That he knows me, and when I’m breaking down, it’s not me. He said, “When I see you crying like that, it’s not Anna in front of me, and all I want to do is get Anna back.” I like died a little inside. It is also true. Now, if I ever breakdown or have a flashback I’ll be thinking about that comment.

Cody is one of the first people who actually seems to…I don’t know. Like, okay, here is how I can explain this. I have a healthy part of my mind, the logic side, and then I have the unhealthy part of my mind, which encompasses all my ED thoughts and other things. It’s as if Cody is like the logic side of my head if my logic were a human. I know that sounds really strange. But see, the things he says to me, I already know to some degree, and the fact that another person see’s that, makes me believe it more.

tumblr_npqyopbnE71skotc5o1_500

The things Cody says to me at times, and the way he explains things to me, makes so much sense. It’s like when he says it, I hear it and I understand it. It clicks. That really doesn’t happen to me. My dad is very logic and analytical and intellectual and I am sure my dad has said things that Cody has told me, but there’s a difference. My dad is family so I feel like it’s not as real when he says things that Cody’s told me. Also, my dad doesn’t explain it in the exact way that Cody does. See, Ethan and my dad have very similar logical minds, and they both would tell me the things Cody’s told me, but there was always something missing. You know what that was? Emotion. My dad and Ethan, when they would explain it, it was logical, detached. When Cody tells me these things, I see the emotion behind it. I also like the way he breaks it all down and explains it step by step. I’ve never met anyone like him.

Cody said there are times that I blow him away. I laughed. I honestly am not sure how I do that, but I’ll take it. I mean, he mentions my looks a lot, which is nice, but at the same time I’d like to hear more about how me as a person is what also makes him love me. I mean, he says, I love you for you and who you are.

I feel so lucky to have met Cody. Truly, lucky. I am very happy that I’ve met him. We, personality wise, get along very well, and that’s very important. I think part of why we get along well is because we are similar in many ways and we can see where each other is coming from when an issue comes up. It makes it easier to understand and reassure the other when that happens. I also love our differences too. It makes for a good balance.

In relationships there are stages. Because I’ve taken psychology and learned so much from my experiences in GA, I feel like I know a lot. I know what to possibly expect and can prepare myself. See, even from my past relationships I’ve learned a lot. Though I used to be very emotionally driven, throughout my experience I’ve become more logically driven, more like Ethan and my dad, but I haven’t lost the emotional side.

Cody says I am perfect for him. I like the way he phrases that because I am not perfect. Maybe for him, but I am not perfect for most people. I have my little quirks and character flaws like everyone else. That’s one thing that is important in a relationship, is to acknowledge the other person has flaws and is human. In the honeymoon stage everything seems perfect and like a dream. There’s a reason most relationships end after that stage. People often “wake up” and are shocked at who they’re in a relationship with. The things they thought were once cute, now annoy them. I’ve gotten only to stage two in relationships. Here, for those who don’t know them, I’ll list them.

  1. The Honeymoon stage (romantic, drug induced phase)
  2. The Power Struggle phase (where most couples breakup)
  3. The Stability Stage
  4. The Commitment Stage
  5. The Bliss/Co-creation Stage

tumblr_mnmwirj6W21qd0tcho1_500

I think I got to stage two with Ethan and Eric. Ethan and I only made it to stage two because of what happened with Peter. Ethan and I tried to overcome that. We maybe almost got to stage three, but ended up breaking up. Eric and I were just entering the power struggle phase when Eric bailed. I think he didn’t like that he didn’t have all the power.  See stage two is about compromise and understanding. That is key. It’s about understanding that there are going to be differences, and there are going to be things that come up, but you have to know which battle to fight and what to let go. I think that’s why Eric and I ended. He just figured things weren’t like they were, which was the honeymoon stage. He didn’t like that I was hanging out with guy friends and became more controlling. The thing is I was aware of what was happening, where he wasn’t. I think that’s what went wrong. The power struggle phase is difficult. It’s the stage where you feel betrayed because things aren’t like they were, or you think to yourself who is this person, or you want to run, etc. I knew it was stage two because I wanted to run. I knew I shouldn’t though, because I was aware of what was happening. It is a natural part of a relationship when you start to argue or things change. Change is inevitable. It’s the only way to move forward.

I am glad that Cody has actually had a longer term relationship than me, I feel like because he has that experience, it will be easier to navigate now. I mean, for me, knowing about the honeymoon stage and everything, I try my best to not be blindsided. I am trying to see Cody as a person with amazing traits and some flaws. I see both the good and bad. I accept both. It’s not even good or bad, it’s more like his strengths and weaknesses. Cody has so many strengths that I don’t have and that makes him extremely attractive to me. Like very fucking attractive. I like it when my partner has strengths where I myself am weak. It gives me the opportunity to learn from my partner, and I’ve mentioned before that I love learning from my partner.

tumblr_naea5riKuf1r13y9eo1_500

We do both have some similar weaknesses, such as our issues with jealousy. We both get jealous. But, seeing him get jealous, and me knowing there’s nothing to be jealous about, helps me with my own jealousy, because I realize that it’s the same situation for him. He may get jealous of one of my guy friends, but they are just my friends. So when I get jealous of one of his girl friends, I just think to myself they are the equivalent to one of my guy friends. It doesn’t always work, but for the most part it kills the jealousy.

tumblr_nnfobmFOtc1utyo96o1_500

But yeah, totally going all psych here today. I guess I really just want school to start. I am truly excited! I honestly can’t freaking wait! Hope everyone’s having a good day!

XOXO Anna

Bad Body Image, Jealousy, and Self-Harm

Looking at Body

Yesterday was a terrible body image day. I tried on shorts and couldn’t stand myself in them. I also had ice cream after me and one of the girls from treatment went for a walk. I felt bad about it later. I also just had other body image things going on.

Cody and I hung out later that day and went to open mic night. We saw his friends and hung out. I was supposed to get dinner but didn’t. I called Ethan because I was struggling with a lot. I was already feeling like crap because of my body image issues. Like I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. Also the girl I can get jealous of was there and there were things that kinda just made the jealousy come up. Like I know that my jealousy isn’t because I’m afraid she likes him, it comes from the fear that he likes her. She likes girls, so that alone reassured me. But yeah. Stupid emotions. But because I was already having a shitty day and super low self-confidence, that’s why it got to me so bad, and that’s when I called Ethan.

I talked to him and he reassured me there was nothing to worry about and I tried to explain that I was having issues with eating. He said to just eat and I laughed telling him it’s more complicated than that, and he sure as shit knows that. He is very out of practice when it comes to helping me with my eating. But I don’t know I’m just bleh.

I’m in treatment while writing this, and we just did Body Image. I talked about my jealousy and how that affected my view of myself and my image. See, I hate jealousy. To me, being jealous is a sign of weakness, or not being good enough. To me, being jealous is fucking humiliating and I hate that feeling. That’s why I had such issues last night and I know that. I HATE admitting it, but it is important for me to admit and acknowledge. Lying does nothing good.

But I am so annoyed at myself for being jealous, I am kicking my self way harder than I should. I think that because when I was with Ethan and I did get jealous and there was a bad reaction to that, every time I do get jealous I just feel all those old feelings again. That’s also why I think talking to Ethan wasn’t as helpful, because he just doesn’t get the whole jealousy thing. He said that he also was jealous when we were together but like he never seemed to show it. I always, while with him, felt so insecure and I hated that about us. I guess last night just reminded me of a time when I felt weak and not good enough and that’s why I couldn’t eat or couldn’t bare to look at myself in the mirror without cringing or starting to hate on myself. There are days when I know I’m sexy. Then there are days like yesterday where I couldn’t stand my reflection.

***

I’m out of treatment now. I’ve been writing this post through out the day. I feel much better than when I started writing this post. I talked to one of the therapists after Body Image and talked about Cody, the jealousy, my sister, and my parents. The jealousy thing was easily settled. Then the main conversation was about my family, and how the situation with my sister has been stressing me out and making me have extremely strong self-harm urges. It’s not only just my sister, but its the whole family situation at home.

I went home to drop something off after treatment, then left to go to Starbucks to get coffee before Cody and I hang out. The family situation is so uncomfortable I rather sit in my car in the parking lot and blog instead of sitting in my room to blog. You’re probably asking why is she in her car instead of in Starbucks. To answer the question, I have like a couple minutes before heading over to get Cody so I just made my coffee and quickly pulled out my laptop.

But in all seriousness, my family needs to talk. We ALL need to sit down and talk about each of our concerns and talk about what everyone needs and is feeling. This not talking isn’t helping any of us. I know we are all stressing. My mom hates the situation between my sister and I. Same with my dad. Plus,tomorrow my dad is getting his pacemaker in. That’s another thing that’s going on, that we as a family need to be together for. We need to support each other.

***

tumblr_mw21zugHYm1s0krrio1_500

I talked to my sister this evening, and let her know everything on my mind. I kinda cried a bit while opening up to her. I am angry because I, earlier went to my moms closet to get a safety pin from her sowing box. I didn’t. But now I did. The thing that stopped me was thinking of Quick Silver and Cody and their reaction if I did go through with the self-harm. I don’t know if I ever wrote this when I was with Eric, but he once told me he understood the urges and how it builds and sometimes you just need that release. He once told me that I was allowed to self-harm as long as he was there to make sure I didn’t hurt myself too much. Not that I would. I mean, I use a safety pin and scratch until blood is there. I don’t and wouldn’t ever use anything but a safety pin because to me I can control a safety pin and the damage. Anything else is too risky and scary. But the urge has passed. I just wish things at home would get better…

XOXO Anna

Negativity and a Half Way Fun Night

tumblr_nnswtyAvJR1uudmm2o1_250

Fuck everyone right now. The negativity is drowning and suffocating me. Last night one of my friends from my old life, who we’ll call Gabby, came from NYC to visit me. We went out to a Japanese restaurant that I love! I ate though before she got there, so I didn’t eat at the restaurant. We talked a lot. Ethan was a hot topic of conversation. More like, Ethan and me. I had just had this conversation with my mom and I was a bit annoyed. 

tumblr_mv330uOkeM1qi3w4eo1_400

Gabby thinks in 10 years Ethan and I would still be a possibility. I laughed. She says there’s always that possibility because nothing is set in stone right now. She also told me that Spring Quarter he was dating this tinder girl who was my exact look alike. She said something subconscious had to be going on there, because she and Dean both mentioned it to him and he didn’t even realize it. I thought that was funny!

Eric has been dumped by Ethan, Gabby, and Dean and the gang. That makes me happy! Also Eric’s life has gone downhill which makes me oh so fucking happy! He deserves shit! Sorry, a bit of anger coming out. But Gabby was telling me about the fact that she thinks that Cody and I won’t last. I was pissed…to say the least. I was telling her all about him, and how he said I love you and how he thinks longterm with me and she was like, “I give it six months.”

I was not happy. I was trying to remain calm. “So did you and Ethan and Dean all bet on Cody and I like you did with Eric?”

tumblr_my5670cpFt1sxerwdo1_500

They didn’t bet, but they all were shitting on Cody. They all said I could do better which angered me… I was very angry. Like… it just was bad. I took Gabby’s phone from her when she was texting Ethan about Cody and stuff, and I like told Ethan off. Ethan replied with he wasn’t shitting on Cody but just made a comment. Like, Gabby told Ethan that my mom was saying how she thinks Ethan and I aren’t like over. I was so angry that she told Ethan that! Totally humiliated beyond belief because we are and I don’t want Ethan thinking about all that. Gabby also told Ethan that Cody is the nicest guy I’ve met since Ethan, and that Cody is good for me. Ethan was glad to be remembered as the nice guy and not a push over.

tumblr_mzs59yUZYj1qb3dq0o6_250

Gabby and I also talked about Ethan and my relationship and how if Peter, the guy who sexually assaulted me, didn’t happen, Ethan and I could have still been together. I am not so sure about that though. With everything I’ve been through, I realize that yes, Ethan was a good guy, but I wouldn’t be able to be with him like that. Ethan is way better as a friend. Romantically he…has a lot to learn and can’t meet my emotional needs. Even as a friend sometimes Ethan can’t meet the emotional need. It’s nothing against him, it’s just Ethan is like Dexter. Emotionally challenged.

tumblr_mzy9dgR46e1tq4of6o1_250

But then Gabby and I went to the bar, and we ran into one of Cody’s friends on the way and he said he was going to join us in a bit. Gabby and I continued talking. I kept defending Cody. We then went to the coffee shop and chilled until Serena was going to get there. I invited Brian to join also. Figured the more people the better.

But as we left the bar to go to the coffee shop there were these two guys outside and we were just walking and then one of them is following us and getting our attention. He tries to ask where the good locations around here are for fun. I said the bar we were just at and two other places. He then proceeded to ask for our numbers, and wanted to know what we were doing and join us. I was totally fucking creeped out. Terrified. The guy, noticing we didn’t really know how to respond asked if Gabby and I were together, which Gabby jumped on and said we were a couple. The guy apologized and told Gabby she had a gorgeous girlfriend.

This is the second time Gabby and I have had to pretend we are a couple. The first time was back at school at this bar. I was underage at the time, and we got in. There was this way older guy, maybe Owen’s age. I think he had to be thirty. Anyways, so he talks to me, and offers to get me a drink in exchange for a dance. I agree. Gabby is still on the dance floor and I’m at the bar with the guy. He gets me a drink and he starts talking to me and wanting to dance. Gabby comes over and grabs my hand and pulls me away. We went to the other side of the place and Gabby was like, “I was just talking to that girl over there. She’s an undercover cop and told me to get you away from that guy because there have been guys going here and spiking girls drinks. I told her we were a couple. So just let’s dance and stay away from those guys over there.”

Whenever Gabby and I hang out I never get into trouble. That’s always nice, so it was cool knowing that she was there last night and I felt confident nothing bad would happen to us.

tumblr_mimywwFwWL1qe1upro1_400

But we went back to the bar and those creepy guys were there and we got our drinks and sat with Serena and her friend. Brian didn’t know where the bar was so I told him I’d meet him at the coffee shop when he got there. So the conversation consisted of more shitting on Cody. I was fuming at this point. I couldn’t believe how fucking bullshit the night started. I was texting Cody’s best friend and telling him I just needed to talk to him once we got to the gay bar later. Serena was telling Gabby how controlling and possessive Cody was. Serena hates the fact that Cody just takes my phone to look at a conversation I’m having or brought up old stuff. Cody and I have an agreement that if either one of us is jealous or uncomfortable that we can look at the conversation. I don’t mind that Cody takes my phone to look at the conversation. I want to let him know there’s nothing to hide, and that everything is okay.

tumblr_nqu3sjzQDS1uvf8tso1_500

Serena is just so not into Cody and I. Her friend even was jumping in and commenting. Gabby was commenting. I was pissed. I was defending Cody, telling them that I’ve talked to him about the jealousy thing and we are handling it. They weren’t satisfied. Luckily Brian texted me so I said I had to go get him.

tumblr_mtcyvpRUuu1rijmvyo1_500

I saw Brian outside the coffee shop and told him how shitty my nights been and Brian was saying sorry and that he can’t speak about Cody because he’s only spent time with him twice. See! That’s what you’re supposed to say! Hold judgements until you get to know a person! For fucks sake.

tumblr_n91wtn63Mb1tq4of6o1_500

We get back to the bar, continue drinking and then we all head over to the gay bar. I see all of Cody’s friends and great them and make small talk. We go inside and Serena wants us to do shots. I did two shots of fireball within five minutes. Then later I got another. We all hit the dance floor. Cody’s best friend got there. I mentioned the jealousy thing and he assured me it would blow over with time, which I already figured. But yeah, so Cody’s best friend and I danced and Serena made a comment to me once we were all outside taking a breather.

“Dude, he was handsy with you,” Serena said.

“Um, he is Cody’s best friend, the only guy Cody trusts. Just because me and him danced, and he put his hands on my hips, doesn’t mean shit. Again, only reason I’m dancing with him is because that is the only guy Cody trusts,” I explained.

tumblr_mrdltl3Fv11rzog68o1_500

Serena didn’t like it. She also commented on my outfit earlier in the night and was like, “I’ve never seen you wear such little clothing, you’re not wearing anything.”

That made me feel shitty and slutty. I hate that. I, since my old life, haven’t had the confidence to dress up like that. Owen kind of took that away from me. I was happy that I had my confidence back in how fucking awesome I look. She made me feel like crap about that…

tumblr_n9qcxarnGE1rlnbkeo1_250

But yeah Serena royally pissed me the fuck off last night. Like I am so fucking pissed. She can’t comment on Cody and my relationship. It’s not her place. It’s between Cody and I. Me and Cody are handling things. Yes Cody gets jealous, who the fuck doesn’t???? Like seriously! Just because him reading my conversations occasionally makes her uncomfortable doesn’t mean it makes me uncomfortable. Again, Cody and I made an agreement. If Cody was taking my phone without that agreement, then yeah, I’d be pissed and take note of that. But we have an agreement, so there’s not a fucking problem.

tumblr_mxjwioqFfx1s9prw9o1_500

Serena was also shitting on how Cody said that he loves me and she was like “it’s too short a time” and bullshit like that. I haven’t told her I love him too because I don’t need to get verbally attacked too. It’s just not positive or helpful at all.

tumblr_lic062ODSA1qdnz18

But once we were all at the gay bar, I did have fun dancing my sexy ass off on that pole. Cody’s best friend was also dancing on the pole which was so funny. But seriously we all had fun. Serena is just… I don’t know. I told my mom about it and she was like, “Serena is becoming toxic for you.”

tumblr_nc5mcfIZWr1tq4of6o1_500

That sucks to hear, but again, like she is totally out of line. Also my mom was telling me to ignore all my friends because she was like, “Listen to Cody’s friends. They are the ones who really know him. They all tell you that they haven’t seen him this happy, and that you two are good. Listen to them, not your friends who barely know Cody.”

That was nice to hear. Finally something positive! But just… I’m angry. Angry that people aren’t having faith in Cody and me as a couple. I am doing my best to have faith and it’s hard when people are telling you otherwise.

Also now I know how Captain America must have felt when he was with me. See, when we were together, all his friends hated me. So I get now how he must have felt and it’s shitty.

tumblr_n1vs6gSqIM1s9prw9o1_250

But seriously, as Debra once said, “What the fuck is going on today?” I am serious like what the fucking hell is going on with everyone?! Like why are they bringing up Ethan and me? Like why?!?!?! It’s been over for two and a half to three years for fucks sake! I am just pissed that Gabby, every time we talk about Ethan, she’s like, “You never know. Ten years down the line you two could work.” Like no! Fuck that for fucks sake Jesus fucking fuck! Sorry I just…Ethan can be a sensitive topic to say the fucking least for me. Our history is quite… complicated. Like Gabby, Ethan, and the gang, I love them all and miss them. I honestly am so sad that I’m not going to be back at my old school just for the fact that I won’t be seeing them everyday.

tumblr_muu0ctUjXs1swfctgo1_250

But honestly, my mom and Gabby need to drop their delusional thoughts on Ethan and me. Like don’t they get how badly Ethan hurt me? That’s not even including Ethan questioning whether Monster raped me. I’m just talking about the god damn fucking break up! I know that Peter fucked Ethan up mentally. I get that Ethan couldn’t get past that, but for fucks sake it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t like one of the worst and most painful times in my life. I would NEVER get back together with Ethan, ever! Like there’s too much history. How do I forgive Ethan for some of the things? I can’t. I don’t think of Ethan in that way. It sucks that others just can’t get over it. Like seriously move on because I moved on like a hell of a while ago bitches.

tumblr_nrkdveDqTV1rumchmo1_400

I just want it to be tomorrow afternoon so Cody is back. I just want to hug him. I know, lame, but I just want to be with him and cuddle or something…I just want some fucking positivity. Cody has been amazing. I don’t see where all the hate is coming from. Without Cody I would still be housebound, scared of every guy I see, having no hope for my future,  still being heartless and super cynical, and just not moving forward. I’d be stuck in the past with Owen. Cody has been amazing. He makes me happy, and he makes me feel safe, and he makes me feel loved! I haven’t had those in the longest time and I am so fucking thankful to have him in my life, so those haters out there can go fuck themselves.

Sorry for the long post, but I NEEDED to vent! I have no one to talk to about this since most people are being shit heads right now.

XOXO Anna

Secret Letters

tumblr_n25usnuvf31rbgp12o1_500

In my room I have one of those fake books. I have all these secret letters and notes that I’ve written over the years. I was downstairs in the kitchen with my mom, drinking a celebratory glass of Proseco, when she pulled out a note and I recognized it. It wasn’t a suicide note, per se, but a goodbye note in case anything happened to me. It’s dated 12/17/13. I remember writing it.

I thought that I’d gotten rid of all goodbye/suicide notes because Eric told me to get rid of them all because it wasn’t good to have around. I just went back to my secret book and found the second draft of the letter that my mom had found. She found the first draft, and yes I’ve written multiple drafts before to get it right. I mean, if I was writing a goodbye letter I had to make sure I didn’t leave anything out.

tumblr_nc5mh8q4ym1tq4of6o1_500

Reading it makes me sad. I wrote to my sister, “What can I say…Thank you. Thank you for being there when no one else was. You are the reason I keep going. So thank you for being so un-judgmental and loving. I couldn’t have asked for a better sister. I love you with ever fiber in my bone.”

tumblr_mi23h8NoER1rngqxeo1_500

I wrote this letter before I admitted what Monster had done to me and it makes me sad to see what I wrote to him. To know that I was trying so hard to stay in denial really makes me sad.

tumblr_myrzsfybTP1rg59zao1_500

I did get rid of the suicide letters for sure. But then again, there is a suicide letter on my computer. It was written for a class assignment. I originally wrote it when things were really bad with Ethan over the past year. I changed things of course and made it fictional for my assignment but it was inspired from true feelings. My teacher loved that I chose to write a letter for the word count. We could only write up to 500 words and a letter was a good way to meet that requirement he said.

Looking through my secret letters it’s kind of funny. Some are about how frustrated I was with Ethan during our relationship. I swear there are so many “fucks” in the letter I can’t believe I got a sentence out. I also found a note that I wrote when Ethan and I were first getting together and all my worries and Ethan’s friend Dean (who I’ve mentioned before, and that we have a rocky history) helped me that night to fight my irrational thoughts.

tumblr_ltvs95i6Sh1qm6oc3o1_500

I also found a note from my first kiss! It’s dated November 29th, 2008. Reading it was really funny to see how nervous I was. I remember my first kiss and I am so annoyed with it. I wish I hadn’t been so nervous or just wish it hadn’t been on a dare in front of everyone. I really liked this guy too, but I didn’t want him to know. Then I had to kiss one of the other guys that night, that I had had a crush on in the past, and I described it as kissing a stuffed animal. It’s cute to read some of these notes and see the innocence I used to have.

I also found a note to this guy I met in Australia. We still Skype every couple of months, which is awesome. It’s been like five years and we still talk! Speaking of which, I need to Skype him soon so I can update him on all of the things that have happened!

In all honesty, I kind of wish I didn’t throw those suicide notes away. It expressed all my pain once I realized what Monster did to me. I do have my journals though, and damn. I’ve tried to go back and read those and it’s really hard. I mean, I am a very sentimental person and also with the PTSD and trauma my memory isn’t too sharp. I like to occasionally refresh my memory of how I felt or what I was going through.

I might just skim through my journals… I kind of want to know what I wrote about Monster once I realized what he had done.

XOXO Anna

Fucking Accomplished!

tumblr_nesjvfrTuc1shqzgvo1_500

Last night I made so much progress both physically and emotionally!! I finally went down on Cody, and well let’s just say I’m good at it. I mean I knew that I was good at that but after Eric forced me to go down on him I just wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do it well again. But I rocked it! And as proud as I am for that, I am more proud of the fact that I stood up for myself.

That girl that I mentioned I was jealous of a bit… Well I never told you guys Cody was planning on moving in with her and another guy friend of theirs.

That brought up a lot of uncomfortable emotions when I first found out that was potentially happening. Last night I told Cody that I was kinda uncomfortable with it but I’d been trying to deal on my own with it.

That’s when he said that it was now only going to be him and her moving in together. I was like okay that crosses a line for me I draw the line there I am not okay with that. Cody respected that.

I actually for once in my life stood up for what I wanted, didn’t want, was okay with, and not okay with. It took all I had to stand up for what I was and wasn’t okay with.

It’s just that this brought up a lot of Owen things because he had a girl roommate which made me uncomfortable. Difference in these situations is that Owen was living with her before I knew him and we weren’t serious. So it wasn’t as bad.

But yeah anyways just super proud of myself. Never did I think I was going to be able to do both those things in one night!

XOXO Anna

A Sexy Surprise After A Tough Week

My family had to put our dog down yesterday, and this morning we put down Cody’s dog. Rough couple of days. But! Cody apparently got me this nerdy star wars shirt, and he got himself some star wars socks, and then got something for us as a surprise. I also want to surprise Cody, and I am so nervous for it.

I’ve stated before that I always believed that I thought guys liked girls bodies rather than the person.So when I was with Ethan, my first ever boyfriend, I thought I could surprise him with lingerie. Let’s just say that was the worst experience ever and ever since then I’ve had severe anxiety regarding getting lingerie.

When buying lingerie for Ethan I got this black sexy dress kind of lingerie because I knew his taste in lingerie was not promiscuous. Ethan’s response to when I told him I got lingerie was, “Why? I’m just going to take it off.”

So since that experience I’ve been very nervous about the whole lingerie thing. I did eventually buy lingerie again, the summer before sophomore year of college. It was sexy, lacy pink and black see through corset like lingerie and the guy loved it. I think I wore that for Eric too. But I really never bought any more after that. Plus my chest size has grown so now I had to buy new stuff.

I bought lingerie today, which brought up a lot of anxiety. I want to surprise Cody and I know he’ll love it…or I hope he does 😛 because I love the whole pink and black lace thing!

Screen Shot 2015-07-09 at 2.42.39 PM

It’s so fucking sexy. I love it, even if he doesn’t, I would totally walk around the house in it in heels if I was ever having a shit day because I think I look so good in it and it makes me feel good. Like it’s not just a bra and panties, it’s like this see through cover thing too, and I don’t know….

But I am so fucking nervous to do this!!! Like I don’t know how to wear the thing I got under clothing… So I am going to have to be creative or cliche with the whole “I got to go to the bathroom” then come back in lingerie. I would rather us be making out and him start taking off my clothes and be surprised that way… I guess I’ll figure it out!

Super freaking out and excited and nervous! Hopefully this experience with lingerie goes better than my first! Fingers crossed!

XOXO Anna

I Love You

Last night Cody and I went to his friends birthday party. We sat in the hot tub, talked to his friends had a great time. Cody took a hit off his friends cigarette which was an issue for me. He apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again. I am a very tolerant person, as you can guess with the shit I’ve put up with in the past, but smoking crosses the line for me. We made up quickly, because in all honesty it was so hard for me to be upset with him.

blair-chuck-bass-dan-ed-westwick-Favim.com-912014

So later we all played a game of pool. His best friend and I talked and I told him what Cody said to me. His friend assured me that if Cody said he loved me then he meant it. I told his friend that I was going to wait until this date we had in the works to tell Cody that I love him. His friend promised to keep his mouth shut. Yes, you read that right. I love Cody. I love him, and knowing that, and feeling it…I just want to scream it. There’s so much relief and peace in knowing that I do love him and that I can admit it and feel it again. It shows me I am still human and capable of caring that deeply for a person.

I love Cody. I can write it a thousand times on here and it wouldn’t be enough for me.

tumblr_nkux7oajdo1qc354ro5_r1_250

Anyways, so Cody and I went home and he was saying all these romantic and sweet things to me in the car. It was so sweet I almost cried. When we got in my house and went to my bed room Cody started teasing me and I mentioned my past and how Eric would tease me to the point where I would just cave and stuff. Cody asked if he was doing that and I got shy. He got of immediately and just laid next to me. That act, that act of respecting me as a person was …amazing. I started to cry, and then I cried because of how sad I was that Eric had teased me to the point of me just giving in because I couldn’t take it anymore, not that I wanted to sleep with him. It hurt to think that Eric was so…bad to me. I never while I was with him thought it was bad. Sure I was annoyed and frustrated that he did that, but I never knew how disrespectful it was for him to do that to me, let alone how selfish it was.

Cody was amazing. He held me, said everything was okay, wiped away my tears and wiped my nose and just…took care of me. That was when I realized how much I actually do love him. I am the queen of denial and yesterdays posts…I was trying to convince myself I wasn’t there yet. I didn’t want to be but after last night… I knew I was there and I couldn’t deny it anymore.

When I turned off the lights to go to bed and Cody said, “Goodnight, I love you,” I replied with, “I love you too.” Cody sat up and was like, “What did you just say?” I replied, “I love you too.” Cody’s reaction was priceless. He got so giddy and happy and just had this childlike innocence to him after I said it. I didn’t realize how happy he would be when I said it.

tumblr_lsglm4KpNZ1qc382yo1_500

I just…I am so happy. I am happy that I have the capability to love again. I know it’s been a short time, but since we’ve spent every day together for the past three weeks, I’ve gotten to know him. The more I get to know the more I love him and care. I honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have met him and have him love me. It’s honestly probably the greatest gift in the world. I feel like it’s christmas everyday when I’m with him. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Even with Ethan or Monster, I didn’t have this exact feeling. Sure I loved them, but not like this. This is much different. Much better. More meaningful and real. Not to say my feelings weren’t real for the other two, but because of the respect Cody gives me, and the fact that I feel like an equal, it makes it ….more… strong.

tumblr_nesiztHcP11rhn1o8o1_500

I love Cody. I love him. I never thought I’d be able to tell someone that again, but I just can’t help but love him. I spent the first two weeks trying to not feel much, but this past week has been amazing and last night was… it showed me how much Cody cared. I mean, while I was crying and explaining all the bad things that past guys did to me, he teared up. That showed me how much he must care and love me. That’s when I knew I couldn’t not say it. I couldn’t wait. I had to tell him or I’d explode.

I am a little tipsy while writing this, but everything I’ve written here is true. Plus, they say words spoken when drunk is the truth revealed. But seriously, I love him. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone so amazing and good in my life, but I am just so grateful I met him and have him in my life. He has set some very high standards. Standards I probably should have had the whole time, but I guess I didn’t think I deserved it. Now I know I deserve to be treated with respect. Cody has shown me that. I have learned so much from him in these past three weeks. I’ve learned things I could never learn with just therapy. Though he isn’t the classic intellectual, he has taught me so much and still I have so much to learn from him. That’s one thing I really love, is that he can teach me so much. I always love when I can learn from another person.

I love Cody. I really do. I am so proud of myself that I am capable of saying it and feeling it. This is amazing progress for me.

XOXO Anna

Facebook Official!!!

tumblr_n3erp5drwB1smcbm7o1_500

Okay so as some of you may know, Facebook Official in my past relationships has been a rocky subject. Ethan and me were fine. Monster refused to put it on Facebook which made me hurt. Then Captain America refused that too. Eric did it because he knew how much that meant to me since my past boyfriends refused.

Cody had no idea about how I felt about Facebook official, and when I go to see my phone I see that there was a request for a relationship on Facebook! Plus Cody doesn’t really use Facebook, so yeah, so I’m happy like super hypomanic happy right now, like I was jumping up and down happy. Yeah kinda really hypomanic and need to calm down but it was just such a fucking surprise. A brilliant one. Like holy fuck. Fucking happy right now. I just can’t stop smiling damn it.

I’m supposed to head over to Cody’s in fifteen. But stupid Facebook isn’t like letting me accept his request, so it shows up on his Facebook in his status but it won’t in mine because when I click accept request it says error has occurred. Fuck my life. But still….Cody fucking sent a fucking relationship request. I just….he has no idea what that means to me with not knowing my past experiences with the whole Facebook official shit.

So fucking happy. Best like gift/surprise ever! 😀

XOXO Anna

Fun Lunch, Hindsight, and Love

I went to CVS which is across the street from where Cody works and he asked me to drop by, so I did and we went out to Panera for his break. I am SO happy we did that because I honestly was not going to be eating a decent lunch today. I feel ten times better now that I have food in my system.

tumblr_n53c22V1Zt1smcbm7o1_500

We talked a lot during lunch. We talked about our sisters. He really does not like his sister. I love mine. He apologized for me seeing his “dark” side. Honestly though it was his “dark” side it was nice to see. It makes him more human. I think I’ve mentioned this on my blog before, but I tend to like people for their flaws, not their perfections. I personally love seeing others flaws, I think because it makes them more relatable. I am glad Cody did open up about his feelings for his sister. He apologized after, but that was important for me to know and see. I told him that when in a relationship, you are getting to know a person, the good and the bad. If you are to truly accept someone in your life, you accept the good and the bad.

James Michael Sama has been one blog that I love to read! I love his posts about relationships and though there are posts I can disagree with, he makes tons of good points in some posts. I remember each time I was in a relationship, I would read his posts and think to myself, “Why doesn’t the guy I’m with do this or know this?”

10 Tiny Things In A Relationship That Are Literally A Big Deal is a really good post that I can agree with. Those things mentioned in the article are true. In past relationships there were many times where those key things were missing.

tumblr_n25usnuvf31rbgp12o1_500

Love notes, James explains it as something as simple as an “I miss you” and it can be that simple. I know that in past relationships maybe…okay, Monster, Eric, and Owen were the only ones to have ever texted me I miss you. Sadly those were the worst of my past. I am excellent at letting people know my feelings for them through writing. I used to express to Ethan what was on my mind through notes. I never wrote a love note, except for Eric for his birthday. After Eric though I honestly am not sure I could write another “love note” like that unless I really trusted them. Ethan was a great listener and so was Eric. Monster had psychological insight which was nice when I talked. Captain America however was very immature and couldn’t really listen or understand my emotions. Good morning texts are always nice for sure. I think Monster was the one who texted me good morning.

Reliability! That is huge! Ethan was never reliable, making it hard to trust him. Monster was decently reliable. The others not so much. But that is a huge thing in relationships is being reliable. If you say you’re going to do something then do it. If you say you’re going to be there be there. Patience is also important in a relationship. Ethan was the person who taught me patience at first because as most people know I am not always a patient person. But patience really does go a long way when in a relationship. Honesty, that is the biggest one for me. I am a very honest person and I’ve had to deal with lots of liars and that is the one thing I won’t accept. Lies. I used to tell people, whether a friend or romantic interest, in the beginning that honesty and trust are the most important things to me, so if you lie to me you’re out of my life. I really have issues with people who lie to me. It’s completely disrespectful. Making your partner feel safe is another big one. Honestly if I feel safe with a guy then that’s all that matters. With Owen I never felt truly safe with him. That was a huge reason as to why I never got attached or took it too seriously. Compromise, that’s another big one. In the past compromise was pretty nonexistent for me.

Reading most of James’ posts I look back and wish I had spoken up to the guys I was with because there were so many flaws. So many red flags that I just ignored because I thought I didn’t deserve better. I also have to say loyalty should be added to that list because loyalty is very important.

tumblr_npqyopbnE71skotc5o1_500

With Cody I feel safe, like genuinely safe. That’s new for me. I like it though, I really do. Cody also seems to be reliable which is also very nice. Looking back I see a lot of differences in Cody from the others. Good differences.

Then James posts about love a lot. I have many opinions on love and the concept of love, but that all depends on how cynical I’m feeling that day 😛

tumblr_no6guqQS9e1sjrk2fo1_400

Two of my posts that talk about love are The Psychology of Love and The 5 Languages of Love. Those are very important posts. In my psychology class back when I was with Ethan, my teacher taught us about love. It is very true that society portrays love in a false way. To say “I love you” to someone is a big thing. To say that to someone means that you accept them for who they are, faults and all. It means that you will be there for that person no matter what happens. Most people think they love someone but end up realizing they don’t. Why do people do this? Because of the chemicals! In the psychology of love post it explains it clearly why and how people fall in and out of love. I hate that. I hate the concept of falling in love. Falling in love is superficial and doesn’t mean anything. Falling in Love should be renamed Falling in Lust. Loving someone means something. “In Love” is the stage of a relationship where you see the other person as perfect. If you think the person is perfect you don’t love them. You love what you think you see and know.

Yes, there is a process to loving someone, and part of it is going through that phase of everything is perfect, but what really counts is when you see the person you’re with, and you know the good and bad, and you still feel that way. You still can say to yourself I love that person. That’s real true love. My teacher and all the classmates agreed that society portrays love in a false and damaging way.

tumblr_mw123mPGy01qf9mevo1_500

I’ve mentioned before that the only two people I loved or “fallen in love with” were Ethan and Monster. The Ethan experience was shit, and I vowed I’d never utter those words to a guy unless he said it first, and after Monster I vowed I’d never “fall in love” again. Of course those vows won’t last forever, but it gave me a feeling of control. The truth is, when it comes to emotions and love, there is no control. It happens or it doesn’t. Trust me, I’ve tried to keep myself from loving someone because for me, my experiences with love have been painful and terrible. The only thing I know from love is being hurt and dissapointed.

tumblr_n3lotad26q1smcbm7o1_250

Love is a choice. To love someone is a big choice. It’s easy to be attracted to someone but it’s hard to love someone. Loving someone isn’t easy and fun like they show you in the movies. Loving someone is a wonderful thing, but it also means you are there during the difficult times, you stick it out through the 2 AM fights, and that you try you’re best to compromise on issues the two of you have. Falling in love is easy, but loving someone, truly loving someone is hard.

But then, people say if it’s easy then what’s the point? I can tell you first hand how hard it is and was to love Ethan. I love him as a friend today, and you know why? Because once you love someone, or choose to love them, truly love them you don’t stop. Sure the way you love a person can change, but you always love them. Am I still not fully okay with Ethan? Yeah. But as my psychology teacher said, “You don’t have to like someone to love them.” That really spoke to me, because I don’t like Ethan very much anymore. He has changed from the person I used to love (romantically speaking). But I can’t stop loving him (as a friend). And Monster? How twisted is it to say I love him (as a person)? It’s fucked up, like way fucked up. But again, I “fell in love” with him and though he raped me, I will always care for him. I know you must think I’m crazy, but with all Monsters faults, I still care.

tumblr_nes1aeX1Df1u2hfx2o1_500

It takes time to love someone for who they truly are. Sometimes a person can fall fast and hard for someone, or sometimes it takes time. But you always can know whether you’re going to fall. The sad thing is you can’t stop it once it’s started. That’s the scariest and most exciting thing about love I would say. Love is an adventure. One with ups and downs, laughter and tears. Love is one hell of an adventure. If you’ve never “fallen in love” or loved someone, then when you do it will sweep you off your feet. It is one hell of an experience. An experience worth living for, really. What’s life without love? A boring one.

What are your thoughts on love?

XOXO Anna

It’s Official!

Yesterday Cody and I were hanging out downtown after he got off work. We went back to his place and chilled for a bit and talked. Cody said, “I really wanna ask you something but I don’t know if it’s too soon….” I played dumb. I kinda knew what he was going to ask me, but I didn’t want him to feel pressured to ask. So the conversation dropped after a while so I figured he was going to wait a little longer to ask.

tumblr_n3erp5drwB1smcbm7o1_500

We went downtown to open mic night for a bit and then to dinner. After dinner he took my hand and said, “You know how I wanted to ask you something earlier?” I nodded. “Do you wanna be my girlfriend?” I can’t remember if I said yes or just kissed him but he knew I wanted it. I honestly was happy. I mean, yeah it seems soon, I can totally admit that but we’ve spent so much time together. I, of course, had my hesitations for saying yes because of past relationships, but I honestly wanted to take the leap since he is a really great guy. I am happy. He was definitely happy with my reaction of not being able to stop smiling. I felt so stupid but happy.

tumblr_nem1hvs3gN1twuv7fo1_500

Owen stuff came up a bit later when we were outside the coffee shop with his friends. The memory of Owen asking me to be his girlfriend kept playing over and over and over. It wouldn’t stop. When Owen asked me to be his girlfriend I think it was within the first two weeks and we’d hung out like three times. Plus each hang out was like fooling around with each other so I couldn’t possibly say that I wanted to be his girlfriend because I didn’t.

Cody and I went back to his place and I talked to him and I told him not to feel bad because there was no way I could have foreseen that as a trigger to thinking about Owen. We watched some Criminal Minds and he made this comment that kinda got me upset but it wasn’t too big an issue. We started fooling around and I asked, “What if I wanna try?” and he just looked at me confused. “You know, like sex?” I said spelling it out. I was fucking terrified he was going to say no.

tumblr_ltvs95i6Sh1qm6oc3o1_500

His reaction was interesting. He said that he didn’t want to make me triggered or feel bad and didn’t want to try if I wasn’t ready. I had to explain to him that whether we had sex that night or the next night or a week from now there would always be that chance of me having a bad reaction. He almost said no but we did have sex! I was totally nervous, like way nervous but also comfortable. We took it slow in the beginning. It was good that he went slowly because if he had gone quickly I would have had a bad reaction and that I can say for sure. Because when Owen raped me, he was kissing the left side of my neck passionately and then just entered and thrusted so fast, so I knew that it had to be taken slowly if there was any chance of it going well.

tumblr_npfjk7jg3C1r6qw24o1_500

Cody was super respectful the whole time. There were times when I had to tell him to stop and pull out and he listened. Each time I had to stop was either because I started to feel pain or that I was getting emotionally overwhelmed. There was one point where I thought I was nauseous but it passed really quickly. But I caught it each time before I was truly triggered. That made me feel confident that I could stay that in control I guess.

We started with missionary and went to doggy style and well…. second position was very good and I was glad it wasn’t triggering. Once Owen and I did it doggy style and I told him I wanted to be on top and he ignored me and continued to pound into me until he came. Cody was respectful and stopped when I said stop so that really makes me feel like I can trust him in that sense. It wasn’t the longest time I’ve had but that’s fine. In all honesty it probably was good that it didn’t last an hour or so because I, emotionally, would not have been able to handle that much time. The duration of sex was good for the first time. It was just enough to give me a taste of how good it can be when I’m ready to go for longer.

I am super happy that it went well. Afterwards, though Cody was tired, he stayed up to talk to me because he knows that I like talking after sex because I kind of need to process it. That really meant a lot because, in all honesty, it kinda sometimes triggers me when the guy falls asleep right after sex because…well to me it feels like I don’t know, that you know he got what he wanted and then he doesn’t like care to check in on the girl. Like I know that guys and girls experience sex differently. For the most part girls get emotional, or sex is emotional, whereas for guys I’ve heard that it isn’t as emotional… I mean everyone is different. I’ve definitely had emotionless sex (which is the worst kind) but sex is good when you respect and genuinely care about the other person.

Sex has always been confusing for me. I grew up in a middle school where the principal was catholic so for the longest time I thought sex was bad and wasn’t supposed to be done because of the way we were taught about it in our school. Then I got to college and learned that sex wasn’t a bad act. Or, it shouldn’t be.

tumblr_mrfr2okWb21qer69wo2_500

I guess I like to talk after sex because it makes me feel like I am a person and not just an object to get off too because my whole life before college I believed that I was just an object. Ethan told me that wasn’t true though. That was the first guy who told me I was a person. I remember he told me he liked me for my mind when we met. That was what always reassured me I was a person to him. With the other guys well… I didn’t have that reassurance. I knew they liked my looks…and I had to look perfect. The pressure was ridiculous. I hated comparing myself to other girls and being compared to other girls (such as models). What sucked was when whoever I was dating or was with would openly say that they think some girl is hot when I was right there. It was as if they… I don’t know it just hurt and made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.

I do have to say that I had one good memory of Eric. Though Eric is a fucking prick douchebag dumbass of the century, he knew I had an issue with his porn addiction so he stopped watching porn for me. That was I think the nicest thing he did for me… and I don’t know if that’s sad…but yeah.

Anyways the sex with Cody was really good. I explained to him when he asked me to compare him to my other experiences that there were lots of different types of sex. Sure, I’ve had really meaningful sex with one of my boyfriends, or had a meaningless hot one night stand…. you can get either of those experiences anywhere. What I never had was the respect and caring aspect with sex, and Cody gave that to me last night. That’s why the experience with him was really good. I felt like a person during sex which I often times don’t feel like. Even with Eric, though we had some good times, most often I didn’t feel like a person… I didn’t tell him that though. So, me feeling like a human being and being treated with respect during sex…well damn. That means a lot to me.

In the morning I went home and told my mom about sex and the bf/gf thing. She surprisingly was okay with it. Maybe because I told her about my attached/detached issue from PTSD but I don’t know. I am just glad my mom is finally on board with Cody and me! I told my dad about the bf/gf thing and he said congrats.

tumblr_n26q9z1cQg1six0yvo6_500

Things are slowly turning around for me… it’s strange. Things are good romantically speaking. It kind of is freaking me out because well, for those of you who’ve read all or most of my posts, you know when romance enters the picture things tend to not end up well for me. But I am taking a leap of faith and making progress. I have to learn and be okay with the fact that I can’t control everything.

XOXO Anna

Movie Date, Family Drama, and Anorexia

I’m going to start off by discussing what happened during the day before Cody and I went out on a date. This could potentially be a longer post than normal. So for those of you who’ve read my past posts you know that my family right now is not at its best. My parents have their Dallas show coming up and my sister ….well no one knows why my sister is angry at all of us. Yes, all of us, not just me anymore.

Last night I thought we were all going to be having the family talk that has been needed. But mom got annoyed at me and dad and mom started fighting and mom said I was the reason my dad and her fought and I got in between them. That hurt. It also hurt that when talking about Cody and my past and everything she was like “we are the ones who have to pick up all the pieces” aka meaning I’m a burden. That just made me super angry. I also can’t stand yelling, hearing two people scream at each other makes me very nervous. I just grabbed my car keys and booked it out of the house and went to the graveyard near my house.

I am not sure if I’ve mentioned that I go to the graveyard when things get tough but I do. Most people go to church and pray to a God they believe in. I go to a graveyard and hope that their are lingering souls who’ve maybe gone through similar struggles. I go there, drive through the graveyard and talk. Yesterday I talked about all the stress I’m going through and I kinda cried at the graveyard. I haven’t gone there and cried in a long time.

tumblr_no2h9ro65F1s9rs2wo2_500

When I got home I sat down in the TV room with dad and we started talking and Cody came up and he misunderstood what I was saying and we got in a fight. I sadly have to say I was so overwhelmed I went to the fridge grabbed a tall glass and started pouring my dad’s vodka in it. Mom told me to stop and I yelled at her to back off and my dad yelled at me and then I said that I just wanted to drink myself to death and ran upstairs and put on my mad/sad/suicidal playlist and cried in my room.

You guys must be wondering why I was so emotional? Well, I had therapy yesterday and did EMDR on Owen. That was extremely painful. I cried throughout each set. I guess it wasn’t as bad as the first time I did EMDR for Owen, but damn. In therapy we talked about Cody too, and comparing how he treats me to all the over guys I’ve been with and how fucking different it is. I never really knew just how fucking controlling Eric was or how ridiculous some of the other guys behaviors until I saw what I was supposed to be treated like.

tumblr_lsglm4KpNZ1qc382yo1_500

Anyways, so my dad came upstairs and I turned my music off and I cried and tried explaining to him that I am making progress and it’s hard and it’s really hard when I am trying so hard and everyone is against it. My dad assured me I was loved, not a burden, and that I was strong. I know I’m strong. If you’ve been reading my posts for a while, you guys know the battles I’ve gone through.

So then I go out with Cody. We had a lot of fun watching Jurassic World. I liked the movie. Then we went back to his place and we made out and fooled around a bit and I went home. I was supposed to take my sister to her first photography class this morning but because she is so pissed at me and my dad she didn’t go. My dads mad because he, as he said, “just pissed away $380” on a summer class.

Then this morning I woke up and my mom called to let me know I’m going to the doctors today…meaning getting my blood drawn. I have to go alone which sucks but I’ll survive. Then later today we are going to be having that family talk so I’m really nervous about that. I don’t want to be verbally attacked. I hate fighting. I hate conflict. I do whatever I can to avoid it.

Looking at Body

Also I’ve been body checking like crazy. Like this morning before going into the shower I looked in the mirror, examining myself trying to see any change. Of course I see one. A “good” one. I know how bad anorexia is. I know that I’ve ben strong with it and have done my best to keep eating but damn! Because I have been really actually legitimately restricting for the past week or so, I feel like I can’t stop. I know not eating is not the solution to numb out all the crazy emotions going on right now, and nor is drinking or any other bad behavior, but not eating just feels so good.

tumblr_n6ho59jGd81ts4xrso1_500

It’s funny though, just a couple days ago I told my mom that it had been so long since I’ve been really into my anorexia that I couldn’t remember how I originally did it because it really sucked. At first I was nauseous, and now, I am sitting here writing this post, knowing I’m hungry. I’m not nauseous and I know I should eat, but because I’ve gotten used to not eating it is like ten times harder to kick my ass and get food.

Confession, I miss being able to see my ribs stick out, my pelvis bones stick out, and just having my stomach be “inverted” as Ethan and Serena have told me at times. I just told Serena I was going back and she was like, “fun”. Jesus, I don’t know what’s going on between us but we still are not okay. Like dammit! Whatever, we will solve it…eventually.

tumblr_neop03JBJ51s6hha7o1_500

Praying that everything works itself out!

XOXO Anna

Hung out with Cody and Met His Mom

Yesterday Cody asked me to hang in the evening and I met him at the bar and met his friends. One of his girl friends is really nice! I really like her, and that’s saying something since I don’t like most girls. She’s really cool! So sitting in the bar, we were talking and I was asking Cody about my Verizon data and stuff since he works at Verizon. He was looking through my phone and the app wasn’t working so he went on the internet. Luckily I saw him and snatched my phone from him. There were tabs about rape and recovery and having sex after rape, so you could see the word rape or domestic violence in the like heading, and I almost had a heart attack. I was so scared that he had seen it, but luckily what caught his eye was the FBI tabs I had. Scariest thing so far. He asked me what that was about but I said I’d tell him eventually.

Anyways so Cody, me and his friends all went to this private pool club to play pool. Cody and I got there before his friends and I met his mom. She was really nice too. Then Cody, me and the friends went upstairs to play pool. Andy was texting me the whole time though.

tumblr_neopwhNHnY1svy70xo1_500

He is behind on rent and asked if I could lend a hand and well after all Andy and I have been through, and him being there to help me through Owen, of course I was going to help! Then somehow we got on the conversation of that one night we had together and about if we would want to do it again. I told Andy that I’ll have to drive through where he is to get to Florida so it could happen if I’m single. I would only possibly sleep with him again because I trust him and I would want to know where I sexually stand in my PTSD symptoms. Also I told Andy something I didn’t ever tell anyone about Eric… Like this one time, when we were back at school and I was in the middle of reporting Monster, when Eric and I were trying to be intimate he kinda manipulated/forced me to give him blow jobs…. like I told him I didn’t want to but he just teased me and said if I didn’t do it he would just tease me and then leave and stuff and it was really annoying.  He like would say, “blow me” and then I’d be hesitant and he’d kinda push my head down and I eventually did it, and after like 30 seconds he’d bring me up to make out so he could tease me, and repeat. Andy told me that was really messed up. So yeah… but it’s whatever, I’ve been through worse as most of you know.

Anyways, so as Cody, me and his friends were playing pool I talked to that girl I liked and mentioned the whole Andy situation when Cody was out of the room and how Andy brought up that one night we had together. Also when Cody was in the room but not near us I was telling her about how Andy needed money and I felt bad and stuff and she was like well if he is really a good friend than do it, but don’t do it if you feel obligated or something. I told her that he was willing to shoot someone (Owen) for me, so I told her that I owed him and didn’t mind. Cody came over at the last part and asked, “What about shooting?” I told him, “Nothing.”

His mom eventually came up and she helped me learn some tricks to playing pool. It was so funny she was trying to teach me how the correct way to hit the ball was and whispered in my ear, “Keep the stick straight…think blowing a cock.” It was so funny I burst out laughing and was so embarrassed but I got the point. Cody and all his friends were asking what his mom said to me and omg it was so funny. His mom is really cool haha.

At the end of the night Cody and I went back to my house and we watched Dexter in my bed and made out and stuff. It was fun. Then I can’t remember how my anorexia came up, but it did and he wanted to help so I got my treatment binder and gave him a sheet of things that could help. Not all applied, but he texted me today to send him pics so he would remember. Last night he was like, “Whenever we’re together if you’re hungry let me know and I’ll buy you whatever you want, seriously.”

IMG_1049 IMG_1050

So yeah then we continued making out more and watching more Dexter. Eventually we just were talking a bit. That’s when things got more anxiety provoking for me. He asked me if I liked giving blow jobs. I honestly didn’t know how to answer that. I am an honest person and hate lying, but I was not ready to reveal my stupid back luck sexual history. I eventually said I am not sure anymore. He accepted that but could tell I was still off. He asked, “Are you worried I don’t like you?” and I shrugged. I don’t know, I just don’t always accept the idea of a guy liking me, especially someone who is so nice. I usually accept guys liking me for my body and guys who treat me like shit. “I like you. This isn’t just a thing. Like, I like you,” he said. That made me smile. We eventually went to bed at like 4 AM. But I was triggered by something as simple as a cuddle.

So after Owen raped me and I knew I had to stay the night with him, he cuddled me all night, I think to make sure I didn’t leave in the night to report the rape.

tumblr_n5xde76wB61tt3ixlo4_250

So when Cody was cuddling and holding me the same way Owen did I got triggered. I half way knew where I was but half of me felt like I was back in Owen’s room. Images of Owen, over me, in me, kept flashing in my head. I was trying not to cry, but tears definitely fell. My breathing was erratic. Like I’d breathe normal and then a flashback would hit and I would like gasp. Eventually I had chest pains and sat up and just tried to breathe normally. Cody asked if I was okay and I told him it was chest pains. He rubbed my back and I got up to write it in my phone so I wouldn’t forget to mention it in therapy. He went back to bed and I eventually went to bed too.

In the morning he asked me if I was okay after last night. I told him I was. He made out a bit more and he pet Luvas a lot when Luvas jumped on the bed. On the way out my dad was working on this old stick shift Volvo that we call Black Beauty, and he met Cody. I kinda panicked once I realized my dad was going to have to meet Cody. Especially after yesterday when my family was kinda arguing over the conditions of Cody coming over and stuff. My dad said that he didn’t want to meet Cody, my mom said she did want to meet Cody and my sister was indifferent. My dad said he didn’t want to meet Cody I presume because he’s met past guys in my life and it hasn’t worked out, but he also mentioned he had no idea why I wanted him to meet my past boyfriends after he met one. He told me he didn’t think it mattered.

But anyways, so Cody was checking out Black Beauty as I was asking dad if he could reteach me how to drive her. Then as Cody and I were walking to his car my dad asked Cody about our phone plan and usage and stuff and Cody said he could help, and yeah, they had a short conversation.

Later this morning when I sat down with mom and dad, mom told me dad said he met Cody. Dad said that Cody seemed really nice, was friendly, and thought Cody was handsome. That was not what I was expecting but yay I guess haha. Cody, me and his friends might all go bowling later tonight after I have a family friends dinner.

XOXO Anna