Tired and Want To Cry

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I am so tired right now, I can’t focus, and I feel like I’m about to pass out. Luvas kept Cody and I up all night last night. We also moved into our apartment yesterday. Luvas was crying because he was in an unfamiliar place, and he was extremely cuddley and affectionate.

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Also some stuff is going on with Cody. So if you’ve read my blog you know about his misstep or betrayal. Due to that, and wanting to rebuild trust and intimacy there are certain rules or understandings. If you read my post about his LARPing you will know some of those rules. So the other one is to tell me who he is hanging out with. There was this girl that was a friend of his friends. She friend requested him on Facebook. Cody and her barely know each other, besides in game(where they are characters) and so with my separation anxiety and Cody’s history I was annoyed that Cody didn’t tell me about this. More like hurt. If he had told me, there would have been no issues, I wouldn’t have thought too much of it, but it was the fact that I found out when checking his phone that was the trigger. It brought back all those memories from the past and feelings from the past. Our deal was total honesty and openness. Not omitting (which is a form of lying). I just …I can’t wrap my head around it. I think about it and make excuses for Cody to not have told me, but then I go back and realize there was no excuse. Then I’m hurt and mad.

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Actions like these make me feel like I’m in this alone- that Cody doesn’t care to keep us moving forward from the misstep. And I’ve been making steps forward. The other week a porn thing came on with a show we watch and because of everything he usually turns his head away for those scenes, but this time he didn’t and I didn’t say anything. That was me trying to move past it but I eventually broke down and said I couldn’t handle it and needed more time. I also accepted he was going LARPing, which causes anxiety. Then the LARPing girl thing happened and it made me feel like I just was right to be worried.

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If Cody didn’t have his history, if I was never with Monster who I really think was cheating on me during our long distance relationship, him going LARPing wouldn’t be an issue except for the missing him (which is normal). So yeah. I don’t know, I am so sleep deprived and cranky and upset right now. I can barely concentrate or think.

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All I know is that I’ve shown Cody articles on how most couples rebuild trust and there are certain things we have done and moved on from, but then there are key things that Cody keeps tripping up on, meaning I start worrying and getting anxious again, and it’s like we are back to the beginning. Also Cody is the first person I’ve ever tried to rebuild trust with. I’ve never done this before. It’s incredibly challenging. In the past, before Cody, if someone fucked me over there was no going back from that. That person was either out of my life, or if they were in my life it was never the same. Ethan for example. If you’ve read my blog you will know that our friendship was forever changed when he asked if Monster really raped me. After that we were never as close. It was because only one of us cared. I cared and wanted to have that friendship, but Ethan obviously didn’t care. So I want to know Cody cares, and if he does he will follow through with that we decided on. That is very important. Keeping his word is key to healing. It builds trust and assurance and a sense of reliability.

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Cody and I have been talking on the phone and I haven’t eaten at all today but he helped me distinguish that Ed was the one who didn’t want me to eat, and that I did want to eat. So I am happy he helped me with that. See, that, that act showed me he cares. That changed my mood by a lot. Even Cody being at our apartment right now to check on Luvas means something. Knowing that he is actually moving Luvas’s water and food into our bedroom and Luvas’s litter is something that makes me happy. I know it’s small and simple but it means everything. It shows me that Cody cares. He didn’t have to go home to check on Luvas during his lunch break, but I asked Cody to, and he did it. That is him keeping his word. That is an action that makes me feel like I can trust him. If he keeps that kind of stuff up we will be fine.

But I am hungry and I’m guna go get food.

XOXO Anna

 

Anorexia is Kicking My Ass and Will be the Death of Me

Note: this post will most likely be written by my anorexic thoughts dominating over my logic.

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Right now Anorexia is winning. Last night Anorexia was winning too.I went to Marshalls while the girl I babysit was at swim practice. I tried on clothes, and I found black shorts that fit. Maybe it was the mirror but I hated myself. I hated my looks. I couldn’t stand looking at my reflection.

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At the moment I am thinking I am really fat. The logic part of my mind knows I’m not, but I’m not tone. That bothers me. I am not skinny mini model pretty. I want to be skinny again. I want to be attractive. I feel so gross. I feel like I shouldn’t eat for two weeks. If I even do eat I feel like it should be only a chicken caesar salad, or broccoli, or string beans, or an apple, or a banana. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel so down I wanna …either cut or well you know..die, but I am not stupid I wouldn’t commit suicide. Though if I did get to a certain weight I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to cope. I just wanna be sexy or hot. Which I guess I’m not. Ethan never described me as that, though Spencer told me that Hot was a demeaning term and I should be thankful Ethan described me as beautiful and attractive.

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I just never had that hot look and I guess that bothers me because I do struggle with the fact that I am not merely a sexual object for a guy and I am actually a person. I should know I’m worth more than just my looks but I guess I’m scared that without my looks I wouldn’t be loved. Or I would thus be unlovable. I know, irrational, but this is the way my anorexic mind thinks. Right now my anorexic mind is killing me. I even pulled out my Anorexic journal last night to remind myself of how to starve myself. There were some things in there that my logic brain was shocked to read, but my anorexic mind was sinking its claws into it, not letting go. All I can think about is how I am not good enough compared to other girls. I am torturing myself. I am in my own personal hell. A prisoner of my own twisted and warped mind. I wouldn’t wish Anorexia on my worst enemy. It’s a real killer.

XOXO Anna

Dreams and Therapy

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Cody and I had a really great weekend. We went to the mall which was nerve wracking. I got this t-shirt that said, “Unicorns are real” as an inside joke between Cody and I because I told him when we first met he was a unicorn because guys like him didn’t exist. But last night I had a dream. I don’t know if I blogged about how Siena texted Cody about two weeks ago, but she did. If you haven’t read my blog, here is the post about Siena and how she got really annoying to my relationship with Cody. That will fill you in. Siena is Cody’s ex who is still in love with him and wants me and Cody to be broken up. It’s obnoxious and sad.

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Anyways, my dream was about Siena. It’s hard to write about dreams in detail but I will do my best. In the dream I was in a dorm room at the college she went to with a girl, who was friends with Siena. Siena walked in with another girl trashing me, until she realized I was in that room. She was all decked out in a sequin dress, and makeup to perfection. In the dream she was actually pretty. I was sitting there in my normal clothes and my eyeliner. She radiated this aura of power and confidence, and I felt very weak, and submissive. In the dream she knew damn well she could take Cody from me. I wanted to punch her, but one girl said that Siena could beat my ass if I tried anything, so I didn’t do anything. I just sat there and took being submissive to her. I went into the bathroom to change and I chose the unicorn shirt I got at the mall. For some reason a cop came in and was trying to help me win and be able to keep Cody, or stop Siena from trying to take him from me or something. (don’t ask why a cop, I have no idea) Anyways, then later in the dream I was running down a side walk and Cody was chasing after me, but he could never get to me. He kept asking why I was running away and I told him it was because of Siena and I knew that I wouldn’t win. Then I woke up.

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In therapy we went into more detail and took apart the dream. I’m not one to really believe that dreams can be accurate to what’s going on but there was a lot of insight I got from that dream. In real life I am not only threatened by Siena but I am over protective of her. See, Siena, as Cody describes, is an innocent sheltered girl who doesn’t know anything about the real world. In therapy we figured out that I get so angry about Siena and if she will try crossing a line because I am trying to protect everyone involved. See all of us get hurt if she crosses a line (i.e. suggesting to hang out or something like that, or just continuously not giving up on getting Cody).

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Let me explain. If Cody is nice to her she gets the message that she still has a chance. How do I figure this? Because it was the same way with Ethan and me. If Ethan showed any kindness or interest in talking to me or hanging out, I immediately thought I had a chance to get back together with him. So that’s why I know that communication between ex’s can be misunderstood. So if Siena thinks she has a chance and then figures out she never did, she gets hurt. Cody then is hurt because he hurt her and he believes she a fucking fragile china doll that will break with the slightest breeze, which is bullshit. Then I’m hurt because I feel like he didn’t care about the boundaries that were supposed to be set, and I feel like he cares more about her feelings than mine. Plus I don’t wanna lose my temper on Siena because Cody failed to do his job. So you see, I just am trying to avoid all of us getting hurt. I don’t want any confusion. Siena needs to know she has NO chance with Cody nor will she EVER have a chance. I also believe that she needs some tough love so she can grow up.

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I used to be exactly like her, but once I went through some shit I grew up and wasn’t as “breakable”. So the only way she is going to grow up is to stop thinking Cody will be there for her when things aren’t going right. I used to do the same thing with Ethan. Every time I had an issue I would always go to him, mistakenly thinking that, “oh he was there for me during our relationship, so he will be there for me now because he still cares like that.” Not the case. Does Ethan still care about me? Yes, but not in that way. Ethan even said that I shouldn’t be going to him because that’s not his role anymore. He laid down the law, and our friendship was saved. I learned that I was going to him because I was used to that dynamic and I was treating him as if we were still together. Hence why I see what Siena is doing. So, to end this, I just want to keep everyone okay and boundaries clear. And because Siena is very much like I used to be, I want to save her from all the mistakes and pain I’ve gone through. I just don’t want her to get hurt…I just she doesn’t deserve it, and I want to save her from unnecessary pain.

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Now, Siena hasn’t texted him since two weeks ago, so do I think she is a problem right now? No. If she starts texting again, Cody and I already agreed he would set her straight. So I just had to vent about all this and get it out.

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But on the plus side, Cody and I found an apartment, we are just waiting for his dad to sign the co-sign, and then hopefully we are approved and we move out.

XOXO Anna

Social Media is Deceiving

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I love how we post constantly about our lives. We paint the perfect picture for everyone to see. We see the smiles, the hugs, the friends, and the fun. What we don’t see are the tears, the fights, the breakdowns.

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Ethan’s sister and I talked about a week ago about how bad her relationship with her boyfriend is. It is completely unhealthy. It honestly is a bit scary to hear about. Her boyfriend has thrown her mugs and punched walls when she has tried to talk to him in the past about something that wasn’t working in the relationship. They live in two different states. She is paying his rent. He is smoking weed. She has tried to end it, but that then turned into 100 texts and 40 calls later….and she is still with him.

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This topic came up because he posted a picture of them and said how much he loves and misses her and I just got so mad seeing that, and seeing people like that. I know they have no idea how bad the relationship is, but it just makes me feel like he is trying to guilt trip her into staying with him.

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Another friend that I’ve mentioned before, Serena, was supposed to break up with her boyfriend months ago, but she never did to my knowledge. There is another case of social media distorting reality. There’s tons of post of how amazing their relationship is on Facebook, but it’s not true. Serena has an amazing job right now, is continuing her education, and has everything in life going for her except for her boyfriend. She really needs to break up with him because he really is not good her her. They do hold each other back. It’s sad, because she has so much potential to have an amazing life.

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Even I am guilty of having a filter through social media. No one knows about Cody and the porn thing (besides his sister, his best friend, and my sister). Everyone who see’s posts of us through social media probably thinks we have a perfect relationship. We do have a wonderful relationship, but no one knows that we have been through some real shit together and have gotten through it.

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I just find it funny that we all have this desire to make people think we have a great life, and we may have great lives, but it’s so filtered when it’s posted on social media, that it isn’t reality anymore. It’s a snapshot, it’s a moment, it’s not life.

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Though there are people who are honest on their social media. Ethan’s brother, Spencer is one of those people and I absolutely love him for that. He posts about things not being perfect. He will post if he accomplishes something but he will also post if he is struggling with something, whether it be studying for an exam, having a failed attempt at making a friend or romantic connection, and so on. Spencer’s honesty is admirable. I love that he can do that and that his friends always comment and support him.

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I think my main frustrating is that society as a whole puts on this front, this mask, to make it seem like everything is okay. I am someone who likes honesty and deep connections and social media has made connecting to people so superficial. I find it hard to really get to know people on a deeper level these days because no one wants to be perceived as “weak”, or “crazy”, or “undesirable”, etc.

I will end this post with a quote from Shakespeare:

All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.

XOXO Anna

 

I Hate Emotions

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Emotions are killing me right now. I feel like I’ve been hyper-sensitive. I probably have been. I sent Cody these two articles, 5 Ways to Be an Ally to Your Partner’s Eating Disorder Recovery (And Avoid Triggering Them) and Anorexia Nearly Killed My Wife, and that was on saturday…he still hasn’t read them and he is only reading them today because I am asking…again.

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Also Cody and I made a lot of progress two days ago when we were arguing, which has been the norm lately. We realized that I have been shutting him out and he hasn’t felt as close. It’s true that I went into “take care of yourself mode”. It happened after the porn incident.

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I usually go into that mode only after I’ve been hurt or betrayed by someone who was extremely important to me. For example, after Eric left me, I didn’t ask anyone for help, even when I was suicidal except for India-but she is my sister, so that’s different. It’s always been the pattern in my life that after someone leaves, or betrays me, I never go back to relying on them for anything. I tried to do that with Ethan, but he told me I couldn’t rely on him anymore, so I decided that I wouldn’t do that.

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Cody wants me to talk to him and for me to let him know what’s going on with me. He wants me to open up to him again, and trust him and all that. So since he has asked, that is what I’ve been doing. It’s been hard…like really hard at times, and easy at other times. But today it was hard. I did ask for him to read the articles and I was very hurt that he didn’t. He acknowledged that he said he would read the articles but didn’t and that he was sorry. That makes me feel better because at least he acknowledged that he did break his word- hence me not being able to really trust what he says he is going to do.

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But we are making progress. I am scared to do the whole rely on Cody again and open up, but I am doing it. I am letting him know if something comes up or if he says or does something that rubs me the wrong way. I feel bad though because I don’t want to hurt Cody when I tell him that something he did (or didn’t do) upset me. But the whole letting him in and being honest thing is better. I feel better. I feel like I am getting heard. I also at the same time sometimes feel selfish for expressing my opinions or something because I don’t know, was it selfish of me to want him- or expect him- to read those articles without me badgering him? I don’t know.

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Sometimes I don’t know what I’m allowed to ask for. Not that I’m not allowed, to that Cody makes me feel like that…it’s just that old people in my life made me feel like I was selfish if I asked for stuff I wanted, or if I expressed me thoughts or opinions that they were irrelevant or stupid. I still am working on myself and working on getting comfortable with standing up for myself and what I want and need from a person, and also balance that with their wants and needs.

XOXO Anna

Sex and Anorexia

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When we are younger we grow up thinking sex is something amazing, flawless, and something you do only when you love the person. At least that’s how I was introduced to sex. Sex seemed like this special thing that happened once you were mature enough to experience it. The way society portrays sex in movies or in TV shows further pushed that message. In the movies, there are two attractive people, and the experience is perfect and amazing. In reality sex is not always so smooth. What society fails to portray is that sex can be awkward. It can be funny, it can be intimate, it can be embarrassing, it can be scary, it can be violent, and so on.

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Sex for me was awkward and pleasurable for the most part before the rapes. Sex then turned into something scary. I was terrified by intimacy and never wanted it. Anorexia also built up a wall between intimacy. I remember every time I was doing anything sexual with Ethan I was so self-conscious about my body that I couldn’t really enjoy whatever we were doing. With other guys, like one night hookups, it wasn’t as much as a problem-mainly because I was intoxicated to some degree I couldn’t be bothered to think about that. With Eric sex was intimate at times, which was new for me. It was scary.

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Sex with Cody these past eight months has been amazing. There have obviously been the ups and downs. The times were it ended because of my flashbacks, or times I would start crying in the middle of it. But besides those times, sex was something that was intimate most of the time, which I had never had. Anorexia has sometimes gotten in the way. This past week it has gotten in the way. I have been super self-conscious of my body, like insanely so that the anorexic voice in my head has been beating me all week. I’ve definitely restricted this week.

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Last night sex sucked not because Cody isn’t great at sex, but because I was so disgusted with myself and how I looked that I couldn’t get into it, thus not feeling anything. Today we had sex and I started crying a bit, and then we talked and later had amazing sex. But that amazing sex we had…I was damn exhausted. After we were done and went to clean off, I was dizzy. I still am. I’ve been doing my sociology homework, kind of. I should do my police work but I don’t know if I have the mental energy to concentrate on that podcast. Also we are going to see a movie later, so I have to get my work done now.

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I just want to sleep. But I can’t. My memory sucks right now, I’m exhausted beyond belief, my moods are everywhere, and all the other stupid anorexia stuff slowly is coming back. Anorexia is a killer.

XOXO Anna

The Story with Peter

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I never really have talked about Peter on here. I’ve mentioned him sometimes, but never really talked about what happened to me. He is why my life took an unimaginable turn. I never thought that anything bad could really happen to me, not like sexual assault. When I went off to college I was optimistic and hopeful. I thought I would maybe finally get a boyfriend and enjoy my classes. I never imagined that the happy, innocent, good girl I was would be taken away from me. I will never be able to get that girl back, and that’s okay. I’ve improved over the past three years. I’ve also changed in many ways that I have wanted to.

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I’ve written about Monster and Owen, but not about Peter. I think it’s because I have the most shame and guilt surrounding him. I have tried to tell Cody about what Peter did and what happened, but Cody stops me before I get five minutes into it because he can’t hear it. It hurts him too much to think that Peter assaulted me from midnight until eight in the morning. I have wanted to talk about Peter and what happened for a while now, but never had the courage. I don’t blame Cody for not being able to hear my story, but I would still like to tell it, and this is the only way I know how.

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So warning, this could be triggering. If you’re not comfortable hearing this, then stop reading. If you’re okay with reading about this, then continue.

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February 26th, 2013

That day I went to Intro to Dramatic Writing. I talked to Peter about the movies that were on his computer and how I hadn’t seen any of them. He said I could come over to his place that night to watch them. He also said there would probably be weed and alcohol. I thanked him for the warning and said it would be fine.

I went back to the dorms and asked Ethan if I could go. It was our one month anniversary, and I really hoped that he would say no and want to spend time with me. He had work to do though, like always, and said that I could go as long as Peter knew I had a boyfriend. I texted Peter and told him, and he said, no problem because he had a girlfriend.

Peter was an hour late. I had been hanging out in Ethan’s room until Peter got there. I remember Ethan thinking it was douchey of him to be late. I remember my stomach growling as I walked to Peter’s car. I hadn’t really eaten that day. When I get to the car there’s another guy in there. It’s Peter’s roommate. I sit in the back seat in the middle. I remember not knowing where we were driving because it was dark and I didn’t know the town well.

We got to Peter’s apartment. He set up the movie on the TV and his roommate gets the weed ready to smoke. His roommate takes a hit, and passes it to Peter. Peter takes a hit and passes it to me. I didn’t know what to do, so Peter instructed me. I didn’t get much of the hit I tried. Peter lit the lighter the second time, and he told me to inhale, inhale, hold, hold, hold…and breathe. I got a real big hit off that. I was never one to relax. I didn’t really feel the affects during the first movie we watched which was Rise of the Guardians. Near the end Peter helped me take another hit. I was feeling the affects near the end of the movie. A friend of theirs came over at the end of that movie. I can’t remember his name, but if I saw him I would recognize him. They put on The Hobbit. I was so high I couldn’t really pay attention to the movie. Alcohol was mentioned, and they were out. I got excited about that. I wanted some alcohol, I wanted to feel cool. Peter started getting ready to go out. I sat there, and Peter asked, “Well aren’t you going to put on your boots?” I put them on and we headed to the car.

We stopped for gas at Parkers gas station on MLK. We then went to Parker’s Market on Drayton to get the alcohol. We stopped. We passed a police officer I remember, because I knew we were high and it was illegal, and that made me nervous as we walked in the store. We browsed, and Peter was looking around at the beer and asked what I liked. I told him I hadn’t drank anything except for Budlight at a senior high school party. Peter got Miller’s lite for me, and I can’t remember what he got for himself, but it was stronger. I mentioned I was hungry and Peter said I could grab something if I wanted. I grabbed Nacho Dorito’s. Peter paid, and I carried the bag to the car.

I opened the Dorito’s and Peter took some and we drove back to his place. The friend was gone, The Hobbit still playing, and the roommate saying he was going to bed because he had an 8 AM. I also had an 8 AM and it was midnight. I knew I wasn’t going to be going to that class. So we put on Hotel Transylvania and I tried Peter’s beer and decided to go with the Miller Lite. Maybe we took another hit, I can’t remember. But I finished one beer and so did Peter. He got up for another, I asked for another. I was sitting on a couch and didn’t know I was already drunk. I drank the second and so did Peter. He got another, and we split it.

Some how relationships were mentioned. I told Peter that Ethan was my first relationship and I had no idea what I was doing or if I was doing anything right. Peter asked me further about it and I told him Ethan never wanted to do anything and Peter couldn’t believe that. He told me I was pretty, and cute, and sexy. I had never been told that by a guy and couldn’t believe an older cuter guy was saying that about me. Ethan said I was pretty but sexy? No. I told Peter I was clueless and I started feeling spinny and I couldn’t really comprehend what Peter was telling me. Like part of me knew what he was saying but I wasn’t in the mind set to interpret what he was saying. He was telling me that I should bite Ethan’s lip when we kiss, and I didn’t really get that. Peter demonstrated on me. I was shocked but I was like okay…

Peter then told me to do it to him. I was shy and said I couldn’t. Peter said I could, and put his hand on my face and kissed me, and so I bite his lip and Peter said, “Good, you got it.”

We continued talking. I told him I didn’t really feel anything with Ethan when I was on top making out. Peter said it was because I was a Sub. He said he was a Dom. I didn’t understand those terms back then. He said I was submissive and that was why I wasn’t getting anything out of making out with Ethan. Peter got on me and kissed me. I felt something. Peter said, “yeah you’re a submissive.” Peter said something about choking and I didn’t get it so he put his hand out to demonstrate and I remember squirming, but Peter said, “Stay still I am not going to hurt you.” He put his hand around my neck and gently tightened a bit. I kind of liked that. So Peter got on me again, and kissed me and “choked” me. He then bit my ear. That was interesting…

I knew this all was not supposed to be happening. I couldn’t believe this older guy thought I was cute. He even told me, “If you were my girlfriend I would make time for you.” Peter was over me and pinned me down, and I liked that and he was saying I was definitely a submissive. He continued demonstrating. He said I was wet when he felt my body up and down. I got nervous and felt embarrassed about that I remember. Peter said it was good, it meant I was enjoying myself or something like that. Peter then asked, “Has anyone ever gone down on you?” I replied, “No” shyly. He unzipped my shorts and said “is this okay?” and I shrugged nervously and pulled them off. He came back up and was kissing me while feeling me down there. He was getting hard. He slipped his finger in my underwear and fingered me. It kinda hurt at first but then felt good. He then went down on me. I had never felt anything like that. It was strange, I was nervous and scared. I remember he looked up at me while doing it. “I want to try some things to see if you like them,” he said and he did a lot of things down there. I won’t go into detail because I personally don’t want to recount that. He put my underwear back on. We continued watching the movie. I asked to be pinned down again to see if I did really actually like it. He did. He said he could “pin me against a wall to see if I liked that” and I said “I don’t know.” He continued making out with me and he then put on Brave when Hotel Transylvania ended. Eventually I was pinned against the wall. I felt like I was on a storming ship, everything was spinning even though I couldn’t move my arms or legs because Peter’s arms and body held me tight against the wall. I was so out of it. I remember wondering if I was going to puke.

We eventually went back to the couch, and I was falling asleep or so out of it I don’t really remember anything. Peter was hard, and he was like, “You’re doing that to me.” I couldn’t believe that. He felt my underwear again and was like, “You’re so wet.” He liked that. Then more stuff happened, like making out. He showed me different positions, and I only remember that because I remember being upside down at one point but I barely remember that. He asked if I had ever seen a penis before. I hadn’t. He pulled his out and was stroking it. He asked if I had ever given a hand job and I said no. He said it was easy and I was like I don’t know. He grabbed my hand and put it on his penis and put his hand over mine, guiding it. He eventually took his hand away and I stopped and was going to pull my hand away but he said to continue. I did for a second and stopped. He asked if I’d ever given a blow job, and I said no. He asked if I wanted to, and I said no. He said, “Okay, but if you ever want lessons, just call me and I’ll show you everything you need to know.”

Eventually we went to his room. I laid in his bed. He started kissing me again. I remember him having his shirt off and having a tattoo of a tiger head on the back of his right shoulder. He went down on me again in the bed room. He took my shirt off. Kissed my neck and chest. He said, “I want to see something,” and he pulled my bra down and sucked my nipple, and said, “Yeah yours are sensitive too.” I remember feeling very violated after that. He continued doing stuff. Eventually we passed out at 8 AM. I didn’t wake up until like 4 PM.

I told Ethan that stuff happened with Peter when I saw him later that evening. Ethan thought I cheated. I thought I cheated. At the time I didn’t know what sexual assault or rape was. Only when I told a friend what happened did he tell me I was sexually assaulted. That was hard to hear. Peter forever changed my life. I was always the good girl. I was into relationships, not smoking, not drinking, not partying. After Peter I felt tainted, like trash, I felt disgusted and ashamed with myself. It took me months to understand that I didn’t want Peter to do that even thought it felt physically pleasuring. I was so confused by that. I felt guilty. Ethan and I eventually broke up.

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The reason I was so hesitant to share this was because I’ve already gotten so many opinions and comments from people about what I’ve gone through. I’ve gotten blamed, and had people say not so great things about me. But I am sharing this because I believe what happened to me was wrong. Peter was older and knew what he was doing. I even remember having one of the doctors at the school health clinic warn me that older guys loved to take advantage of the freshman girls. I remember thinking that it couldn’t happen to me. But it did. It changed my life forever.

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I started drinking, and partying and hooking up thinking I wasn’t worth anything but sex. I wasn’t anything but an object. I still think of myself like that sometimes, but it’s not as often. It will be three years since Peter assaulted me this February 26th. I’ve come so far since that incident. I never thought I would be going to a Criminal Justice school. I never thought I would be in a healthy relationship. I never thought anyone could love me. I didn’t think I was ever going to be okay. But three years later and I’m doing much better. Yes I was raped by Monster and raped by Owen, but I am doing alright given all that I’ve been through.

XOXO Anna