Pregnancy is daunting

I am completely not used to this. I am almost 10 weeks and I am always tired. Plus commuting to NYC for two hours twice a week doesn’t help the exhaustion. I am really excited about this, but at the same time have worries like any other first-time parent. May 5th we are going to be having a consultation for possible genetic testing. I know I am 23 years old but given that I am adopted and really know nothing about my medical or genetic history scares me, especially being pregnant. On May 5th we will discuss finance, the tests, and options. If we decide to go ahead we would get an NT and the blood test that also tells gender.

All this pregnancy stuff is so new and unknown at times it seems so daunting. Especially the body changes. Given the history of anorexia and the fact I got out of treatment in the beginning of January, I am anxious about how I will handle the body changes mentally. I know there’s lots of bloating and water retention in the first trimester and I’ve been dealing with that to the best of my ability.

Also, I don’t know how to announce the pregnancy. I’ve told some close friends, including Quick Silver, and our families know, including extended family. But announcing the pregnancy to our friends is something I am unsure of how to do. I feel like my friend Serena, who I have known since kindergarten might be a bit judgemental. I want to tell her soon but just hope she can have a positive reaction, like the other people I’ve told. Everyone has been positive, happy and supportive. I just hope our friends can be the same.



Feeling Like Crap


So one of Cody’s friends said to him a while ago no one wants to hang out with him anymore because we fight sometimes and stuff. Then last night when I asked one of his friends why they didn’t invite Cody, he replied with “why is his vagina hurt?”

I was insulted that his friend insulted Cody but also the way he was insulting Cody, by using a women’s body part as if that’s something bad. So I stood up for Cody and said that it was a misogynistic to say that and said he would lose his girlfriend if he used language and insults like that.


His friend then came back and said some really mean stuff to me, Cody defended me. The thing is, when I met Cody, he couldn’t identify feelings, used language like: cunt, whore, bitch, slut, and he was very immature. Cody has matured, doesn’t use degrading language like that anymore, and actually wants to talk about real issues, and his friend says he can’t recognize Cody anymore. That I’ve “warped his mind,” and that I’m, “crazy.”


I talked to Quick Silver yesterday about Cody’s sister. But then last night texted him about how I really needed to talk to him about last night with Cody’s friend. So today I’ll be calling Quick Silver. I really miss Quick Silver. He has always been a really good friend, and sometimes it sucks that he is in GA and I’m not.

So it’s been damn stressful this week with people. I seriously feel like crap and that I’m the reason people don’t like Cody.


The Hunting Ground


I just watched the documentary The Hunting Ground on Netflix and it was amazing. As someone who has been sexually assaulted, and raped twice, it really hit home for me. Honestly watching the documentary was terrifying. Terrifying because of how rampant a problem it is, not that I didn’t know, but hearing their stories, and seeing how poorly College Universities handled it was sickening. It makes me not want my kids to go to a college one day, because I would hate for my kid to have the same fate as me.


I went to the Savannah College of Art and Design in Savannah, Georgia and I somewhat reported what Peter did to me. I talked to a therapist who was extremely helpful to me through the situation, and when going to the person who handles reports, she explained to me what would happen if I ended up reporting through the school or through the police. I know that if you report through SCAD it protects them, and when if reporting to the police I believe they don’t reveal that the student went to SCAD because it’s a private college. Personally I think that’s stupid. I went to SCAD and yes, it was a SCAD senior at the time who sexually assaulted me, but it wasn’t on campus but at his apartment. I ended up not reporting Peter, as you know if you’ve read my blog.


I did end up reporting Monster, the boyfriend who raped me, a year after it happened. He went to GCSU (Georgia College and State University) in Milledgeville, GA. I remember reporting was not fun. The police officer was a man, and I could tell how skeptical he was of me reporting. He asked why I waited and I told him it was because I thought no one would support me, and at the time I didn’t have anyone who would come with me to do it. Milledgeville is a three hour drive from Savannah, so it’s a long trek to go alone, especially when I could have run into Monster… In the room was the officer, myself, and a person from the university who handles cases within the university. In the end the police didn’t convict. They said they didn’t have sufficient evidence. The school however said they were still looking into it. I remember, and still have, the letter I got from the school saying they didn’t find sufficient evidence. I do have to wonder if they talked to any of Monsters friends who were there that night who witnessed how drunk I was and the fact that I had a flashback and I couldn’t walk…


When I reported Owen to the Savannah Chatham County Police, that was a completely different experience. I remember going there with Ramone and the woman at the desk was very supportive as I was breaking down crying waiting to talk to an officer. Ramone explained to the desk officer why I was breaking down, because my parents told me not to report. The woman told me I was doing the right thing. Eventually we saw an officer and he took down my statement and said he would pass it onto the sexual assault officer and I eventually got a call from that officer a couple days later. He again took my statement and worked with me. We did a recorded phone call and of course Owen had known I reported and played as if nothing happened that night. The officer told me he would do what he could and still investigate after that. He called the Rape Crisis in Savannah since I was in a suicidal state after that phone call. I went to Andy’s apartment where Quick Silver was also at. That night was terrifying and sad. Andy and Quick Silver kept me from doing anything to myself and helped me through the night.


The officer lied to me, I believe. My police professor at the college I go to now told me that a recorded phone call, if the perp denies anything happened then the case is ended. So I was pissed to know that my officer gave me false hope. I wish he was straight with me and told me there was nothing else he could do.


I obviously am being more open about my experience with my assaults in this post, and that’s because I want to be. Before I was scared. I mean, why do you think my blog is anonymous. I fear the repercussions of standing up for myself against these men. I fear what people will think of me if they knew who I really was.


Cody, India, Ramone, Quick Silver, and Andy are the only ones who gave me the reaction I was hoping for after telling them. My sister obviously told me it wasn’t my fault. Cody said the same thing and cried with me and held me and told me he couldn’t believe anyone could do such terrible things to me and that he wished he could hurt them in my defense. Ramone was horrified when I told him and he took me to the station, gave me the courage and support I needed to be able to report. Quick Silver told me that Owen raped me and reporting was my choice. Andy got angry and was about to go defend my honor. No one had shown anger for me when I told them except for Andy and Cody. Most just blamed me or asked why I did what I did, or what could I have done differently, or was I sure it was rape. Those were people I thought were my friends.


For those who are reading this and have been through similar situations I am sorry. I wish that rape and assault could end and not exist. It is so prominent in our culture and it makes me angry. That is why I am posting and being open. This documentary made me so angry to see all these women and hear their stories and know how terribly the colleges handled it. If anyone ever needs to reach out or talk, I’m here to listen. Seriously, my email is on the side of my site, feel free to shoot me an email if you need someone to talk to. I know how crappy and terrible it is to go through such a scary experience. I know how scary PTSD can be. I’ve been through it and still sometimes suffer from it. But there is hope and recovery is possible. Also, I’ve written this before, but those of you have gone through this…you are not a victim but a survivor. It takes tremendous courage and strength to keep going after such a traumatic violation. Especially when people turn on you. So know that you are not alone and you are strong. I believe in all of you and know that you can get through this.


Satisfaction and It’s My Birthday!


Yesterday was fun again. Cody and I had amazing sex again. We met up with more friends and drank and got a nice dinner. My favorite part of yesterday was going into the club that Eric works at as a bartender now. I was wearing this skin tight blue dress, that Eric once told me I looked amazing in right after our breakup. Cody and I walk in, we sit down and I turn my head up when Eric comes over and his face was priceless.


He looked so petrified and literally if you could imagine the word “Fuck” across someone’s face that what he looked like. I wish I had a picture!

So he asks “what do you want to drink?”

I say, “Shocktop.”

He says, “we don’t have that.”

I say, “well, what do you have that’s similar?”

He doesn’t respond.

“You have beer right?” I asked.

He nods, “Yeah we have beer.”

“Okay so what do you have that’s like Shocktop,” I reply.

He starts listing some things I’ve hear and I reject each one. He goes away for a second and talks to his bosses and comes back saying that they have Bluemoon.

Cody and I nod and Eric goes to get our drinks. He brings back one Bluemoon and a Cors Light and goes to serve other people. I tell Cody that Eric brought me the wrong beer. Cody told me to tell Eric. When Eric came back to our side I caught his attention and turned the beer to him to show him the label.

“Looks like someone doesn’t know how to stock,” Eric said nervously.

Yeah I did give him some attitude but it was funny to watch Eric’s response. Then after he gave me the correct beer Eric totally started to try to show off with his bar “skills” with flipping bottles and dancing and stuff. It was actually kind of sad. But Cody and I had a great time and kissed and talked and made out and talked.

I wanted to go into that bar the night before but chickened out, so I am really proud I had the courage to go in and show Eric that I was doing great. He hurt me badly and I am not one for revenge or any of that, but going into that bar and seeing his face was priceless.


When Cody and I got back to the hotel we had an amazing talk about our feelings and how we are so happy together.


Today is my birthday and I am 22! Tonight I am doing a birthday dinner with Cody, Quick Silver, and Andy at my favorite restaurant and then we are all going back to Andy’s afterwards. Hoping I have a great birthday this year!


P.S. sorry about the lack of gifs from posts during my trip here. Internet crazy slow meaning the gifs take over an hour to load…

Poker Night


Yesterday was awesome! By the time we got back to the hotel, I wanted to shower and I knew I was kind of crunched for time. Quick Silver and Andy got there 15 minutes early and I was just getting out of the shower. Cody talked to them while I finished getting ready. Andy was wearing a really nice black suit because he was doing business deals before he came over. We talked for a while and took photos, even though all the guys hated it. We then played poker. I assumed Andy and Cody would be the ones in the end battling for the chips but Cody was out first, then Andy, leaving it to Quick Silver and me. In the end I won! I won…which was a huge shock!


Also Andy did the whole threat thing with Cody…Andy was like, “If you hurt her…” I was scared Cody would react badly, but he didn’t and understood it was just what Andy did.


After Quick Silver and Andy left, once I was sober Cody and I had amazing sex, like love making sex. It was mind glowingly intimate and amazing. Plus we talked marriage again and Cody said the least amount he would feel comfortable spending on a ring would be $3,000… but he preferably wants to spend $3,500. That is woah.


Today has been nice too. Cody and I went to get lunch and then I ran into someone I knew and I’ll see them tomorrow. We are currently hanging out at a coffee shop. Then Cody and I are going to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner at seven. After that we are meeting Quick Silver and Andy at one of Andy’s favorite bars. Excited to be hanging with Quick Silver and Andy again!


We also saw Ethan’s sister. She was there when Ethan punched Monster. She told me Monster seemed like a hot mess, like manic depressive, and all over the place. Monster also told Ethan that he deserved to be punched. That was nice to hear.

Overall Cody and I are having a really nice trip!



We made the drive in one day and arrived around 8 pm sunday night. I was so happy to be back in Savannah. It felt like home. I can’t believe I ever left…but then again as I’ve walked around a bit yesterday morning I remember why I left.

The first night Cody kind of panicked. I felt bad. He has separation anxiety about his home. He doesn’t like being far from home, so I gave him a calm aid that night when he panicked and that helped. I felt really bad though.

Yesterday we went downtown and sat in my favorite coffee shop. I used to blog here all the time. It brought back memories. Good and bad. I spent a lot of time in this coffee shop with either friends or dates. Cody was a bit anxious again, but he was working on coffee shop ideas while I blogged.

Someone from my acting for camera class came. I’ve been seeing some familiar faces yesterday. Though I was looking around a lot and couldn’t keep still/calm. Damn hyper vigilance. And this was why I left. I couldn’t stay calm. I was always scared I would run into Owen after the rape. It’s bittersweet being here. I LOVE it and at the same time I am nervous. Stupid PTSD and stupid rapes. I am going to do my best to ignore the PTSD and just enjoy myself. Things have changed a lot since I’ve been here. Hell, I’ve changed a lot since I’ve been here.

Part of me feels strange to be here. I feel like this is my old life, and it is, so it’s weird being back. It’s nostalgic for sure, it just feels like I’ve moved on from this place…but I also love and miss it.

We hung out with a lot of friends yesterday. We spent hours with Quick Silver and Andy! I was SO FUCKING HAPPY to see them. Like they had their whole bickering dynamic going the whole time. They were the Quick Silver and Andy that I missed. They haven’t changed in any bad ways. They stayed the same with minor improvements. But I missed them SO MUCH. Honestly we spent like three hours with them, and when Cody got tired, I really didn’t want to leave. Hell I could have spent the rest of the day with them and have been on cloud 9. Honestly that is why I came back to Savannah. I really wanted to see Quick Silver and Andy.

Then Cody and I went back to the hotel. We started fooling around and had sex. Showered. Then headed back out to go have dinner with Ethan and his brothers. We then went to one of the popular bars on River Street. Wet Willies is this bar that has alcoholic slushies. It really makes it hard to figure out how drunk you are though. I didn’t finish my drink because I was tired. I also realized that I didn’t want that lifestyle anymore.

That lifestyle refers to the old days where I would dress sexy and go out drinking to a lot of different bars. With Cody I am happy and over it. I didn’t realize it though until I was here…and tried to go back to that lifestyle.

Earlier yesterday I really thought I wanted to dress sexy and go bar hopping like my old life, but when we actually went to Wet Willies, I realized I was SO over that life.

I absolutely LOVE my life with Cody. I love that we go to coffee shops, and go to our favorite bar/restaurant and see friends and hang out. I love having a laid back life style instead of constantly being on the go and looking amazing all the time and focusing so much on my image. I like being relaxed, and I am never relaxed. Until I met Cody and built that life with him I didn’t know what relaxed even was. I used to always dress fancy and nice and worry about my image, and it was just so much energy wasted.

Last night Ethan told me that he punched Monster. I said, “Because he raped me?” and Ethan said, “No, and I don’t know if he did because I don’t know the facts and I wasn’t there. I punched him because he was being a dick about relationships. He mentioned when you two were together and he knew it was a sore point with us. He knows that because we were together and that you two were together… he just was being an ass so I punched him.”

I was happy that Ethan punched Monster, but it felt like I had been stabbed when Ethan still said he didn’t believe me about Monster raping me. It honestly killed me. But why should I have expected ANYTHING from him?!? Like seriously, all Ethan has ever done is let me down. He constantly disappoints me.

Cody was really nice and was like, “Ethan peeked with you. He will never have anyone as good as you, and he was an idiot for fucking that up. I don’t even know how he got you in the first place.”

Hearing that made me feel good. I mean, Ethan… he has changed a lot. And you know what was so fucking strange? Ethan said when we were all at Panera getting dinner, when I didn’t want to eat anymore salad, Ethan said, “We do this because we love you.”

Ethan said that! Ethan has never been able to say the whole “love” thing that easily. Hell when I left Savannah, and we had our goodbye I said, “I love you.” Ethan said, “Me too.”

So… yeah, and Ethan was a bit flirty too I think. Like when he joked around with me he like was bumping up against me and stuff. So out of character for Ethan.

Today we are hanging out in another popular coffee shop and Cody is working on his coffee shop ideas. We are then going to get food and I’ll then take him to the shelter where I got Luvas! Also Cody isn’t anxious today! He is actually relaxed and calm.


Coffee Shops


Cody, his dad and I are going to be going to see coffee shops around us because Cody has this idea of opening a coffee shop with his brother sometime in the future. The area we live in really does need a coffee shop though. All we have is Starbucks and one local non-chain coffee shop, which I personally don’t like. The surrounding towns have okay-ish coffee shops, but Cody has a lot of ideas that would be really great for where we are.


I also got my period today, so woke up and have been cramping since. It was sweet though, Cody stayed with me while I was cramping. I told him he could go do his own thing instead of sit by my side while I am in pain, but he stayed. I also rather it have happened today rather than tomorrow when Cody and I will be driving all the way down to Savannah. It will be an all day drive if we don’t hit traffic. After coffee shops, we’ll come home and I’ll be doing laundry and packing while Cody video games since he won’t be able to game for a week.


I am definitely feeling more excited about Savannah now! I also send out a group message on Facebook and got a poker night going. Quick Silver and Andy are going to be there, and Ethan I think. Not sure about the rest, but still it’s going to be fun!