We made the drive in one day and arrived around 8 pm sunday night. I was so happy to be back in Savannah. It felt like home. I can’t believe I ever left…but then again as I’ve walked around a bit yesterday morning I remember why I left.
The first night Cody kind of panicked. I felt bad. He has separation anxiety about his home. He doesn’t like being far from home, so I gave him a calm aid that night when he panicked and that helped. I felt really bad though.
Yesterday we went downtown and sat in my favorite coffee shop. I used to blog here all the time. It brought back memories. Good and bad. I spent a lot of time in this coffee shop with either friends or dates. Cody was a bit anxious again, but he was working on coffee shop ideas while I blogged.
Someone from my acting for camera class came. I’ve been seeing some familiar faces yesterday. Though I was looking around a lot and couldn’t keep still/calm. Damn hyper vigilance. And this was why I left. I couldn’t stay calm. I was always scared I would run into Owen after the rape. It’s bittersweet being here. I LOVE it and at the same time I am nervous. Stupid PTSD and stupid rapes. I am going to do my best to ignore the PTSD and just enjoy myself. Things have changed a lot since I’ve been here. Hell, I’ve changed a lot since I’ve been here.
Part of me feels strange to be here. I feel like this is my old life, and it is, so it’s weird being back. It’s nostalgic for sure, it just feels like I’ve moved on from this place…but I also love and miss it.
We hung out with a lot of friends yesterday. We spent hours with Quick Silver and Andy! I was SO FUCKING HAPPY to see them. Like they had their whole bickering dynamic going the whole time. They were the Quick Silver and Andy that I missed. They haven’t changed in any bad ways. They stayed the same with minor improvements. But I missed them SO MUCH. Honestly we spent like three hours with them, and when Cody got tired, I really didn’t want to leave. Hell I could have spent the rest of the day with them and have been on cloud 9. Honestly that is why I came back to Savannah. I really wanted to see Quick Silver and Andy.
Then Cody and I went back to the hotel. We started fooling around and had sex. Showered. Then headed back out to go have dinner with Ethan and his brothers. We then went to one of the popular bars on River Street. Wet Willies is this bar that has alcoholic slushies. It really makes it hard to figure out how drunk you are though. I didn’t finish my drink because I was tired. I also realized that I didn’t want that lifestyle anymore.
That lifestyle refers to the old days where I would dress sexy and go out drinking to a lot of different bars. With Cody I am happy and over it. I didn’t realize it though until I was here…and tried to go back to that lifestyle.
Earlier yesterday I really thought I wanted to dress sexy and go bar hopping like my old life, but when we actually went to Wet Willies, I realized I was SO over that life.
I absolutely LOVE my life with Cody. I love that we go to coffee shops, and go to our favorite bar/restaurant and see friends and hang out. I love having a laid back life style instead of constantly being on the go and looking amazing all the time and focusing so much on my image. I like being relaxed, and I am never relaxed. Until I met Cody and built that life with him I didn’t know what relaxed even was. I used to always dress fancy and nice and worry about my image, and it was just so much energy wasted.
Last night Ethan told me that he punched Monster. I said, “Because he raped me?” and Ethan said, “No, and I don’t know if he did because I don’t know the facts and I wasn’t there. I punched him because he was being a dick about relationships. He mentioned when you two were together and he knew it was a sore point with us. He knows that because we were together and that you two were together… he just was being an ass so I punched him.”
I was happy that Ethan punched Monster, but it felt like I had been stabbed when Ethan still said he didn’t believe me about Monster raping me. It honestly killed me. But why should I have expected ANYTHING from him?!? Like seriously, all Ethan has ever done is let me down. He constantly disappoints me.
Cody was really nice and was like, “Ethan peeked with you. He will never have anyone as good as you, and he was an idiot for fucking that up. I don’t even know how he got you in the first place.”
Hearing that made me feel good. I mean, Ethan… he has changed a lot. And you know what was so fucking strange? Ethan said when we were all at Panera getting dinner, when I didn’t want to eat anymore salad, Ethan said, “We do this because we love you.”
Ethan said that! Ethan has never been able to say the whole “love” thing that easily. Hell when I left Savannah, and we had our goodbye I said, “I love you.” Ethan said, “Me too.”
So… yeah, and Ethan was a bit flirty too I think. Like when he joked around with me he like was bumping up against me and stuff. So out of character for Ethan.
Today we are hanging out in another popular coffee shop and Cody is working on his coffee shop ideas. We are then going to get food and I’ll then take him to the shelter where I got Luvas! Also Cody isn’t anxious today! He is actually relaxed and calm.