I’ve Been MIA

tumblr_n5g5h3xI1u1rzgy8no1_500

I know I’ve been MIA. I haven’t been on for many reasons. One being school, and the second reason I will reveal next week. School has been keeping me quite busy. I am writing a paper on Rape for my Psychology and Law class. I am writing about how rape is one of the most challenging crimes to prosecute in today’s society. I am very excited and passionate about my paper.

Through doing research and reading articles for my paper I feel much more informed than I was when I was sexually assaulted and then raped two times. I truly wish I had the knowledge I have now, so I could go back and make sure I didn’t shower, or wait too long to report. I also have gotten quite angry, thinking back to when I did report. I could tell the officer who was taking down my statement and interviewing me for Monster didn’t take anything I said seriously or thought I was lying. I hated that feeling. The worst part was weeks later when he called me to tell me the DA didn’t want to take my case, and that Monster said he didn’t rape me. As if my rapist saying he didn’t rape me equivalated his innocence. That officer took my rapist’s side. The second rape that I reported was for Owen. The initial report wasn’t with the officer who I would be getting a formal interview from, but the first officer wanted to take down as much information to pass along to the officer I would be meeting with. The officer I eventually met with seemed kind, sensitive, and understanding. I really had hope. This officer seemed to, at the beginning, want to investigate the case. Of course, once we did the recorded phone call, and Owen denied everything and attempted to gaslight me, the officer said he would call me with more information. He never called. I called, he said he didn’t have anything and that he would call me. Again, he never called back. Another officer lets me down. I only hope that my rapists don’t go on to rape other women. I hope my sexual assaulter, Peter, doesn’t go on to assault other women, though I would think that Peter would be. I regret not reporting Peter because I personally feel like he had done that before to other women and that I wasn’t the first.

The first part of my paper I am addressing the problems that make rape difficult to prosecute, such as different definitions in each state for rape and sexual assault, the fact that victims are the ones that are often questioned on their character rather than the suspect, and the lack of physical evidence in rape cases. The second half of the paper is on trying to offer solutions to the issues. I think rape should have a universal definition across the country, and sexual assault should have a universal definition across the country. There should be education at a younger age about rape. I think the first time rape was really talked about and explained was in college, possibly high school. When kids have sex-ed they should also learn about consent and rape. Then, police should be trained, or have a forensic psychologist or neuropsychologist present in interviews so that the psychologist can explain the victim’s behavior instead of the cops just assuming the victim is lying.

I’ve only gotten my introduction done so far, but next week is spring break and I will be working on the paper all week.

XOXO Anna

It’s Been 2 Years…

tumblr_n7mcohFRGk1tryedao1_500

Yesterday marks two years since Owen raped me. I didn’t blog yesterday because I ended up being busy. In fact, I forgot about the rape because Cody and I were doing so well. Cody gave me the perfect night last night and didn’t even realize it was the anniversary of one of my rapes.

It’s honestly crazy to think two years have passed since I went to SCAD. Time seems to have flown by. I definitely believe everything happens for a reason. I know that if Owen hadn’t have raped me, I wouldn’t have left Savannah and moved back home, and then I’d never have met Cody.

Having gone through a sexual assault and two rapes in the course of three years completely changed the way I viewed myself. The aftermath of those trauma’s was me thinking I was trash, worthless, an object, and unlovable.

tumblr_n3lotad26q1smcbm7o1_250

Though Cody had his own issues he brought into our relationship, Cody has given me the gift of knowing I am lovable. The guys I dated bailed on me with time due to the PTSD I had. Cody never even thought to leave when I had flashbacks. He held me and reminded me where I was. I never thought I would have come to the day where I forgot I was raped. In the past  each anniversary had so much hold over me.

I have grown so much over the past couple years, and I am so proud of myself for doing all the hard work of recovery. I do still on rare occasions have flashbacks, or relive feelings from the trauma’s, but they don’t disable me the way they used to. I used to feel handicapped every day. I feel much more free and confident these days. I know that I am worth more than sex, I am a human being that deserves respect. It took a while to get here, but I am glad I’ve gotten here.

XOXO Anna

The Hunting Ground

tumblr_netc663ndi1rehglfo4_250

I just watched the documentary The Hunting Ground on Netflix and it was amazing. As someone who has been sexually assaulted, and raped twice, it really hit home for me. Honestly watching the documentary was terrifying. Terrifying because of how rampant a problem it is, not that I didn’t know, but hearing their stories, and seeing how poorly College Universities handled it was sickening. It makes me not want my kids to go to a college one day, because I would hate for my kid to have the same fate as me.

tumblr_ndt318Sh0v1tiwptko1_500

I went to the Savannah College of Art and Design in Savannah, Georgia and I somewhat reported what Peter did to me. I talked to a therapist who was extremely helpful to me through the situation, and when going to the person who handles reports, she explained to me what would happen if I ended up reporting through the school or through the police. I know that if you report through SCAD it protects them, and when if reporting to the police I believe they don’t reveal that the student went to SCAD because it’s a private college. Personally I think that’s stupid. I went to SCAD and yes, it was a SCAD senior at the time who sexually assaulted me, but it wasn’t on campus but at his apartment. I ended up not reporting Peter, as you know if you’ve read my blog.

tumblr_nvaj55OMeL1u68mfwo1_500

I did end up reporting Monster, the boyfriend who raped me, a year after it happened. He went to GCSU (Georgia College and State University) in Milledgeville, GA. I remember reporting was not fun. The police officer was a man, and I could tell how skeptical he was of me reporting. He asked why I waited and I told him it was because I thought no one would support me, and at the time I didn’t have anyone who would come with me to do it. Milledgeville is a three hour drive from Savannah, so it’s a long trek to go alone, especially when I could have run into Monster… In the room was the officer, myself, and a person from the university who handles cases within the university. In the end the police didn’t convict. They said they didn’t have sufficient evidence. The school however said they were still looking into it. I remember, and still have, the letter I got from the school saying they didn’t find sufficient evidence. I do have to wonder if they talked to any of Monsters friends who were there that night who witnessed how drunk I was and the fact that I had a flashback and I couldn’t walk…

tumblr_nr74ygs7NG1taqdcyo1_500

When I reported Owen to the Savannah Chatham County Police, that was a completely different experience. I remember going there with Ramone and the woman at the desk was very supportive as I was breaking down crying waiting to talk to an officer. Ramone explained to the desk officer why I was breaking down, because my parents told me not to report. The woman told me I was doing the right thing. Eventually we saw an officer and he took down my statement and said he would pass it onto the sexual assault officer and I eventually got a call from that officer a couple days later. He again took my statement and worked with me. We did a recorded phone call and of course Owen had known I reported and played as if nothing happened that night. The officer told me he would do what he could and still investigate after that. He called the Rape Crisis in Savannah since I was in a suicidal state after that phone call. I went to Andy’s apartment where Quick Silver was also at. That night was terrifying and sad. Andy and Quick Silver kept me from doing anything to myself and helped me through the night.

tumblr_n15j2vao4H1rncdgao1_500

The officer lied to me, I believe. My police professor at the college I go to now told me that a recorded phone call, if the perp denies anything happened then the case is ended. So I was pissed to know that my officer gave me false hope. I wish he was straight with me and told me there was nothing else he could do.

tumblr_nmk34cU6I81r13y9eo1_500

I obviously am being more open about my experience with my assaults in this post, and that’s because I want to be. Before I was scared. I mean, why do you think my blog is anonymous. I fear the repercussions of standing up for myself against these men. I fear what people will think of me if they knew who I really was.

tumblr_n6603pxlrY1tzdi6bo1_500

Cody, India, Ramone, Quick Silver, and Andy are the only ones who gave me the reaction I was hoping for after telling them. My sister obviously told me it wasn’t my fault. Cody said the same thing and cried with me and held me and told me he couldn’t believe anyone could do such terrible things to me and that he wished he could hurt them in my defense. Ramone was horrified when I told him and he took me to the station, gave me the courage and support I needed to be able to report. Quick Silver told me that Owen raped me and reporting was my choice. Andy got angry and was about to go defend my honor. No one had shown anger for me when I told them except for Andy and Cody. Most just blamed me or asked why I did what I did, or what could I have done differently, or was I sure it was rape. Those were people I thought were my friends.

tumblr_nel912E1aT1tyfq97o1_500

For those who are reading this and have been through similar situations I am sorry. I wish that rape and assault could end and not exist. It is so prominent in our culture and it makes me angry. That is why I am posting and being open. This documentary made me so angry to see all these women and hear their stories and know how terribly the colleges handled it. If anyone ever needs to reach out or talk, I’m here to listen. Seriously, my email is on the side of my site, feel free to shoot me an email if you need someone to talk to. I know how crappy and terrible it is to go through such a scary experience. I know how scary PTSD can be. I’ve been through it and still sometimes suffer from it. But there is hope and recovery is possible. Also, I’ve written this before, but those of you have gone through this…you are not a victim but a survivor. It takes tremendous courage and strength to keep going after such a traumatic violation. Especially when people turn on you. So know that you are not alone and you are strong. I believe in all of you and know that you can get through this.

XOXO Anna

The Story with Peter

tumblr_nslf6bszgc1uynswzo1_500

I never really have talked about Peter on here. I’ve mentioned him sometimes, but never really talked about what happened to me. He is why my life took an unimaginable turn. I never thought that anything bad could really happen to me, not like sexual assault. When I went off to college I was optimistic and hopeful. I thought I would maybe finally get a boyfriend and enjoy my classes. I never imagined that the happy, innocent, good girl I was would be taken away from me. I will never be able to get that girl back, and that’s okay. I’ve improved over the past three years. I’ve also changed in many ways that I have wanted to.

tumblr_nrdpkqlxyI1ts7f01o1_500

I’ve written about Monster and Owen, but not about Peter. I think it’s because I have the most shame and guilt surrounding him. I have tried to tell Cody about what Peter did and what happened, but Cody stops me before I get five minutes into it because he can’t hear it. It hurts him too much to think that Peter assaulted me from midnight until eight in the morning. I have wanted to talk about Peter and what happened for a while now, but never had the courage. I don’t blame Cody for not being able to hear my story, but I would still like to tell it, and this is the only way I know how.

tumblr_n5835lgOsS1syeot2o1_500

So warning, this could be triggering. If you’re not comfortable hearing this, then stop reading. If you’re okay with reading about this, then continue.

tumblr_msrx65bvf21rovk31o1_500

tumblr_nzsgetPUAR1uzjoilo1_500

February 26th, 2013

That day I went to Intro to Dramatic Writing. I talked to Peter about the movies that were on his computer and how I hadn’t seen any of them. He said I could come over to his place that night to watch them. He also said there would probably be weed and alcohol. I thanked him for the warning and said it would be fine.

I went back to the dorms and asked Ethan if I could go. It was our one month anniversary, and I really hoped that he would say no and want to spend time with me. He had work to do though, like always, and said that I could go as long as Peter knew I had a boyfriend. I texted Peter and told him, and he said, no problem because he had a girlfriend.

Peter was an hour late. I had been hanging out in Ethan’s room until Peter got there. I remember Ethan thinking it was douchey of him to be late. I remember my stomach growling as I walked to Peter’s car. I hadn’t really eaten that day. When I get to the car there’s another guy in there. It’s Peter’s roommate. I sit in the back seat in the middle. I remember not knowing where we were driving because it was dark and I didn’t know the town well.

We got to Peter’s apartment. He set up the movie on the TV and his roommate gets the weed ready to smoke. His roommate takes a hit, and passes it to Peter. Peter takes a hit and passes it to me. I didn’t know what to do, so Peter instructed me. I didn’t get much of the hit I tried. Peter lit the lighter the second time, and he told me to inhale, inhale, hold, hold, hold…and breathe. I got a real big hit off that. I was never one to relax. I didn’t really feel the affects during the first movie we watched which was Rise of the Guardians. Near the end Peter helped me take another hit. I was feeling the affects near the end of the movie. A friend of theirs came over at the end of that movie. I can’t remember his name, but if I saw him I would recognize him. They put on The Hobbit. I was so high I couldn’t really pay attention to the movie. Alcohol was mentioned, and they were out. I got excited about that. I wanted some alcohol, I wanted to feel cool. Peter started getting ready to go out. I sat there, and Peter asked, “Well aren’t you going to put on your boots?” I put them on and we headed to the car.

We stopped for gas at Parkers gas station on MLK. We then went to Parker’s Market on Drayton to get the alcohol. We stopped. We passed a police officer I remember, because I knew we were high and it was illegal, and that made me nervous as we walked in the store. We browsed, and Peter was looking around at the beer and asked what I liked. I told him I hadn’t drank anything except for Budlight at a senior high school party. Peter got Miller’s lite for me, and I can’t remember what he got for himself, but it was stronger. I mentioned I was hungry and Peter said I could grab something if I wanted. I grabbed Nacho Dorito’s. Peter paid, and I carried the bag to the car.

I opened the Dorito’s and Peter took some and we drove back to his place. The friend was gone, The Hobbit still playing, and the roommate saying he was going to bed because he had an 8 AM. I also had an 8 AM and it was midnight. I knew I wasn’t going to be going to that class. So we put on Hotel Transylvania and I tried Peter’s beer and decided to go with the Miller Lite. Maybe we took another hit, I can’t remember. But I finished one beer and so did Peter. He got up for another, I asked for another. I was sitting on a couch and didn’t know I was already drunk. I drank the second and so did Peter. He got another, and we split it.

Some how relationships were mentioned. I told Peter that Ethan was my first relationship and I had no idea what I was doing or if I was doing anything right. Peter asked me further about it and I told him Ethan never wanted to do anything and Peter couldn’t believe that. He told me I was pretty, and cute, and sexy. I had never been told that by a guy and couldn’t believe an older cuter guy was saying that about me. Ethan said I was pretty but sexy? No. I told Peter I was clueless and I started feeling spinny and I couldn’t really comprehend what Peter was telling me. Like part of me knew what he was saying but I wasn’t in the mind set to interpret what he was saying. He was telling me that I should bite Ethan’s lip when we kiss, and I didn’t really get that. Peter demonstrated on me. I was shocked but I was like okay…

Peter then told me to do it to him. I was shy and said I couldn’t. Peter said I could, and put his hand on my face and kissed me, and so I bite his lip and Peter said, “Good, you got it.”

We continued talking. I told him I didn’t really feel anything with Ethan when I was on top making out. Peter said it was because I was a Sub. He said he was a Dom. I didn’t understand those terms back then. He said I was submissive and that was why I wasn’t getting anything out of making out with Ethan. Peter got on me and kissed me. I felt something. Peter said, “yeah you’re a submissive.” Peter said something about choking and I didn’t get it so he put his hand out to demonstrate and I remember squirming, but Peter said, “Stay still I am not going to hurt you.” He put his hand around my neck and gently tightened a bit. I kind of liked that. So Peter got on me again, and kissed me and “choked” me. He then bit my ear. That was interesting…

I knew this all was not supposed to be happening. I couldn’t believe this older guy thought I was cute. He even told me, “If you were my girlfriend I would make time for you.” Peter was over me and pinned me down, and I liked that and he was saying I was definitely a submissive. He continued demonstrating. He said I was wet when he felt my body up and down. I got nervous and felt embarrassed about that I remember. Peter said it was good, it meant I was enjoying myself or something like that. Peter then asked, “Has anyone ever gone down on you?” I replied, “No” shyly. He unzipped my shorts and said “is this okay?” and I shrugged nervously and pulled them off. He came back up and was kissing me while feeling me down there. He was getting hard. He slipped his finger in my underwear and fingered me. It kinda hurt at first but then felt good. He then went down on me. I had never felt anything like that. It was strange, I was nervous and scared. I remember he looked up at me while doing it. “I want to try some things to see if you like them,” he said and he did a lot of things down there. I won’t go into detail because I personally don’t want to recount that. He put my underwear back on. We continued watching the movie. I asked to be pinned down again to see if I did really actually like it. He did. He said he could “pin me against a wall to see if I liked that” and I said “I don’t know.” He continued making out with me and he then put on Brave when Hotel Transylvania ended. Eventually I was pinned against the wall. I felt like I was on a storming ship, everything was spinning even though I couldn’t move my arms or legs because Peter’s arms and body held me tight against the wall. I was so out of it. I remember wondering if I was going to puke.

We eventually went back to the couch, and I was falling asleep or so out of it I don’t really remember anything. Peter was hard, and he was like, “You’re doing that to me.” I couldn’t believe that. He felt my underwear again and was like, “You’re so wet.” He liked that. Then more stuff happened, like making out. He showed me different positions, and I only remember that because I remember being upside down at one point but I barely remember that. He asked if I had ever seen a penis before. I hadn’t. He pulled his out and was stroking it. He asked if I had ever given a hand job and I said no. He said it was easy and I was like I don’t know. He grabbed my hand and put it on his penis and put his hand over mine, guiding it. He eventually took his hand away and I stopped and was going to pull my hand away but he said to continue. I did for a second and stopped. He asked if I’d ever given a blow job, and I said no. He asked if I wanted to, and I said no. He said, “Okay, but if you ever want lessons, just call me and I’ll show you everything you need to know.”

Eventually we went to his room. I laid in his bed. He started kissing me again. I remember him having his shirt off and having a tattoo of a tiger head on the back of his right shoulder. He went down on me again in the bed room. He took my shirt off. Kissed my neck and chest. He said, “I want to see something,” and he pulled my bra down and sucked my nipple, and said, “Yeah yours are sensitive too.” I remember feeling very violated after that. He continued doing stuff. Eventually we passed out at 8 AM. I didn’t wake up until like 4 PM.

I told Ethan that stuff happened with Peter when I saw him later that evening. Ethan thought I cheated. I thought I cheated. At the time I didn’t know what sexual assault or rape was. Only when I told a friend what happened did he tell me I was sexually assaulted. That was hard to hear. Peter forever changed my life. I was always the good girl. I was into relationships, not smoking, not drinking, not partying. After Peter I felt tainted, like trash, I felt disgusted and ashamed with myself. It took me months to understand that I didn’t want Peter to do that even thought it felt physically pleasuring. I was so confused by that. I felt guilty. Ethan and I eventually broke up.

tumblr_ns00tiaf2J1uynswzo1_500

The reason I was so hesitant to share this was because I’ve already gotten so many opinions and comments from people about what I’ve gone through. I’ve gotten blamed, and had people say not so great things about me. But I am sharing this because I believe what happened to me was wrong. Peter was older and knew what he was doing. I even remember having one of the doctors at the school health clinic warn me that older guys loved to take advantage of the freshman girls. I remember thinking that it couldn’t happen to me. But it did. It changed my life forever.

tumblr_mm1i42GkjH1so57qzo1_500

I started drinking, and partying and hooking up thinking I wasn’t worth anything but sex. I wasn’t anything but an object. I still think of myself like that sometimes, but it’s not as often. It will be three years since Peter assaulted me this February 26th. I’ve come so far since that incident. I never thought I would be going to a Criminal Justice school. I never thought I would be in a healthy relationship. I never thought anyone could love me. I didn’t think I was ever going to be okay. But three years later and I’m doing much better. Yes I was raped by Monster and raped by Owen, but I am doing alright given all that I’ve been through.

XOXO Anna

Blackout Drunk

tumblr_nywd6iAZ5A1rg5e4mo1_400

I got blackout drunk last night and I am very upset at myself. I felt invisible with Cody and his friend and let them have their night, but Owen stuff was coming up for me since I was raped last year on the 18th.Cody filled me in this morning on what happened last night. Once his friend went home he came to check on me and I started breaking down crying. I also after that apparently wanted sex. He of course didn’t have sex with me. I remember that. I also told him to leave me. The truth is I have been trying to push him away, since last week. I have been doing that because I felt like pushing him away during my trauma stuff would be better, that way he didn’t have to deal with it. But as Cody has told me a million times, he wants to help me and be there for me.

tumblr_mzs0b7pBvh1rvq9xoo1_500

I apologized for getting drunk, and for trying to push him away. He said he understood and wasn’t mad at me. He said he just wanted to help. Jeez, he is seriously so good. I honestly don’t understand how he can love me so much…through it all. It’s pretty amazing though. I feel extremely lucky to be with him.

tumblr_n7mcohFRGk1tryedao1_500

Tonight is date night. We are going to this movie theatre where you can bring your own alcohol. I am not drinking, but he will be. You can even have ice cream at this theatre. And they have reclining chairs. It’s going to be a fun night.

XOXO Anna

What do I do?

tumblr_myukpbFU5f1t37guro1_500

It’s officially one year since Owen raped me.

tumblr_nslf6bszgc1uynswzo1_500

I’m drunk, I’m crying. I’m not coping at all. I don’t know what to do to get through this. I am sorry but I am stressing majorly. I don’t want to remember it. I don’t  want to remember him at all… I know drinking doesn’t solve shit but I don’t know what to do.

tumblr_n42ydwAEfu1sfdkkto1_500

I am feeling like crap. I hate that I got raped. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

tumblr_n0j9bcTsQy1qjnqapo1_500

I don’t know how I could be so stupid as to trusting a guy 10 years older than me… I hate it. I hate the memory. I hate him. I hate it all… How could I be so stupid?

XOXO Anna

Dying Hair and One Year

tumblr_n4cf6ltT0B1sawmpoo1_500

Serena came over and dyed my hair for me. The color looks really nice! I absolutely love my new dark brown hair. We then went to her house and I got some of her clothes that she didn’t fit in anymore. She did my makeup and I did her hair and we went out to a bar to meet some of her friends. Cody was meeting us there. Before he got there some guys were trying to talk and dance with me and that made me uncomfortable. I didn’t think the bar we were going to would be as packed as it was last night, and it was nerve wracking.

tumblr_n5xde76wB61tt3ixlo4_250

I didn’t really want to be there once I realized how packed it was. I mean, though I got raped on the 18th, it happened on a saturday night to sunday morning. I was already hoping not to be triggered but being at a bar that had a club environment in the back room was anxiety provoking. I had a drink before Cody got there but once Cody got there and I stuck to him like glue. We got a drink and we danced and went home. I knew I was drunk but I wanted to have sex and I hid the fact that I was drunk from Cody. We had sex, and I got very triggered after it. I had a flashback right after sex and it was very intense. It took Cody a while to get me to calm down. To me it felt like hours, but it probably was just third minutes. I was terrified though during my flashback. Cody did an amazing job to keep me as grounded as possible.

Cody’s making french toast right now. We are doing brunch in this weekend because we are trying to save money. I hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

XOXO Anna