Pregnancy is daunting

I am completely not used to this. I am almost 10 weeks and I am always tired. Plus commuting to NYC for two hours twice a week doesn’t help the exhaustion. I am really excited about this, but at the same time have worries like any other first-time parent. May 5th we are going to be having a consultation for possible genetic testing. I know I am 23 years old but given that I am adopted and really know nothing about my medical or genetic history scares me, especially being pregnant. On May 5th we will discuss finance, the tests, and options. If we decide to go ahead we would get an NT and the blood test that also tells gender.

All this pregnancy stuff is so new and unknown at times it seems so daunting. Especially the body changes. Given the history of anorexia and the fact I got out of treatment in the beginning of January, I am anxious about how I will handle the body changes mentally. I know there’s lots of bloating and water retention in the first trimester and I’ve been dealing with that to the best of my ability.

Also, I don’t know how to announce the pregnancy. I’ve told some close friends, including Quick Silver, and our families know, including extended family. But announcing the pregnancy to our friends is something I am unsure of how to do. I feel like my friend Serena, who I have known since kindergarten might be a bit judgemental. I want to tell her soon but just hope she can have a positive reaction, like the other people I’ve told. Everyone has been positive, happy and supportive. I just hope our friends can be the same.

XOXO Anna

 

Relapse?

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I haven’t posted in a while due to the crazy amount of things going on. Cody’s Facebook post has caused insane amounts of blacklash as I mentioned. Cody feels like he fucked everything up. I have been verbally put down (not to my face) by 8 people. His sister and brother have said negative things, along with 3-4 friends. Then this past weekend both his parents accused me of writing and posting his post! His dad said I’m asking too much from him. I was so hurt and felt so betrayed. How could they think so lowly of me? It makes no sense. Anyways, I’m going to post this letter I’ve written to read to them.

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(I plan to say this and wait for their response)

Im in more pain than anyone should be. I love Cody and want to marry him, but all of you are making me feel like i should leave.

(Then after I will tell them I want to explain my side)

Cody lied and cheated on me for 365+ days and i stay. I think that says alot about how much i care and love him. When i met him i told him that the only two things i ask kf a friend or a boyfriend is honesty ans trust. I told him i would rather have him be honest and hurt me than lie to me and humiliate me.

I told him before he asked me to be his girlfriend about my anorexia and the triggers that i could not have in a relationship. One of them being porn. I told him many times through out the relationship that if he didnt want to help me or deal with the anorexia that he could leave, and there would be no ill will.

During our relationship i caught him with saved naked images or instagram naked images for the first three months of the relationship and i cried and broke down and told him that it was hurting me and was hurting my recovery. He told me he hadnt done anything else. He told my multiple times that he got rid of porn instagram accounts and didnt. He lied and loed and manipulated me so he could keep his secret.

Last Christmas eve i found a porn site on his phone and i was destroyed because by this time he was earning my trust back, and all that was shattered. Then after that he again tried and was actually earning my trust back until a month later when i found more porn. This time i broke down so hard because the amount of betrayals was getting too much. He promised me i knew everything at that point and wouldnt do it again.

I stayed and helped him and he came to the realization that he had a real problem. We were getting better and then i see porn on his work computer. Porn on a computer at work where my parents are in the next room. I kept my cool because my dad walked in right after i found it. I searched through  little more history with Cody begging me not to go further. I went home and sobbed my eyes out. I felt devastated and worthless. This man i love has destroyed me more than i could have imagined.

Cody was very sweet when he came home. He had a bouquet of flowers and promised i knew everything and it wouldnt happen again.

The next day I couldnt fight off the feeling of not knowing everything. Cody was really anxious about me looking through the history so i decided to check the history. I looked at the history from the day he met me and i was horrified. The whole time he was lying and on porn sites behind my back. He had promised me i knew everything but i didn’t even know half of it.

That night Cody and i both broke down and he begged me to stay and i stayed. I was hurt, betrayed, lied to, cheated on for over a year, and i stayed. I stayed because i accelted he had an addiction and saw that he wanted to stop hurting himself and myself.

It has been rocky. Given that i gave him my all during this relationship and he has lied, we have come to an agreement on how to earn trust back. He needs to be in recovery and completely honest. Given the gas lighting i can check his phone so i know he isnt lying. Its been 5 months since i found out everything and i think we are doing pretty damn well.

I love Cody and would never want to hurt him. The things i ask of him are honesty, trust, respect, and for him to pull his half for chores and relationship responsability. If thats too much then i dont know what a relationship is, so please inform me.


 

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So that is my letter. I honestly am baffled at how they blame the lied to and cheated on instead of the liar. I love Cody and he has an addiction. Addictions make people different than the person they really are. Cody (without actively using) is an amazing loving person. Cody (when using) is selfish and self-centered. He is not the Cody I love. So when Cody was using during our WHOLE relationship and I found out, I was broken. I’m on RebootNation and it has been the most helpful supportive place. I’ve been able to express all my feelings about this situation and have been given a lot of support and kind words through this healing.

So with all that said, with all the hate, I have fallen back into my anorexia. All I ate yesterday were two chicken tenders and coffee. Some days I’ve had a little more, but not by much.

I’ve missed school, been depressed, and was suicidal sunday night. I love Cody and am SO proud of his post, but it’s brought up a lot and has had people attack me for no reason. My professors are very understanding, and encouraged me to seek treatment. I applied to a new treatment center and am waiting to hear back from them today.

XOXO Anna

Improvement, Cody’s Friends, and Sister Drama

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Cody and I had a serious talk as I mentioned and honestly it helped. Cody didn’t go LARPing last weekend. He stayed with me when I asked him to stay. I honestly wasn’t okay, and am so thankful for him to be here. Cody really showed me he was putting in the effort and cared about me by skipping LARP. It really means the world to me. We also had an amazing night going to Stop n Shop together and cooking last weekend. We cuddled, watched TV, and had an amazing time. We also didn’t have sex that weekend but we did other stuff and honestly I felt better doing that than sex at that moment.

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I saw some of Cody’s friends last Saturday. I can’t explain now but I will explain down the line why I was with them. But it was awesome to see them. Things are turning around. I honestly really do have hope about Cody and I getting better now. Him skipping LARP showed me that he really does care and love me.

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This whole week Cody has been amazing in showing me he loves me by just grabbing ginger ale if we are out or giving me a massage surprisingly, or us having sex when I didn’t even expect it which was nice. Cody and I are really actually finally in a good place.

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I am also seeing more of Cody’s friends today, again it’s the thing I can’t mention yet, but then later tonight Cody and I have to go to Serena’s birthday dinner bar hopping thing. Not looking forward to that because we have to drive a half hour to go do that.

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So India and I talked yesterday and she said that since Christmas our whole relationship had been fake. That hurt, because I’ve honestly been trying to show her I care and love her by calling or texting every week and talking about her life and such. It really hurt and I had the urge to cut but I didn’t. I just hope that India and I do actually make up.

XOXO Anna

Family Dinner, Hot Temper, and Critisisms

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Monday night Cody and I went to his sister birthday dinner. Their mom and grandparents were there. On the way to dinner Cody and I got in a fight about his driving. Then at dinner Cody was still angry and when he passed my phone to me his sister had texted me. She said something that shocked me and I couldn’t believe she said that so I laughed. Cody thought I was laughing at him, and he knocked my phone out of my hand. Everyone at the table was shocked.

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I was not happy about Cody’s temper. Yesterday when I got back from the city we went to our favorite bar and we talked about his temper and why he lost it. I had to play therapist because if I asked him why he got mad he would shrug. I had to ask questions that made him think deeper than the superficial level. I am not trying to say Cody cannot get to a deeper level of realization, I’m just saying he needs a push to get there.

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I also had my police and abnormal psych exams yesterday. When I told my dad that I had to guess on five questions my dad said, “Why didn’t you know the answers? You need to study harder.” I studied a lot. Cody did end up helping me monday night with studying which I appreciated, because in my last post I was writing about how he didn’t help me.

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Then yesterday I told Cody that Serena wanted to hang out with me soon. I said possibly it would be friday. I’ve let him have two guys nights where I stay in and do my own thing while he enjoys his friends. I got annoyed and upset when he said he would go out with his friends that night then too. I got annoyed because I already have issues with guys nights, because of past experiences, and it took  a lot for me to give him two guys nights within a short time period. I told him I just don’t want to be anxious while I’m out with Serena, which he understood. But before he got to the understanding point, he called me controlling and said he didn’t have any freedom. That comment has stuck with me, and I feel like shit.

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I know I should trust him, but there are times where my mind is very irrational and I worry. I worry about him either drinking too much or cheating (which I know he wouldn’t do). But I just… bleh. That comment really hurt me. So from now on I am going to do my best to just not worry about that. I am going to let him go out with his friends for guys night whenever. Even if I’m not totally okay with it I want to be able to let him go out. I don’t want to come off as controlling. Cody did apologize for saying that and said he didn’t mean it, but I feel like he secretly did mean it.

XOXO Anna

Social Media is Deceiving

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I love how we post constantly about our lives. We paint the perfect picture for everyone to see. We see the smiles, the hugs, the friends, and the fun. What we don’t see are the tears, the fights, the breakdowns.

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Ethan’s sister and I talked about a week ago about how bad her relationship with her boyfriend is. It is completely unhealthy. It honestly is a bit scary to hear about. Her boyfriend has thrown her mugs and punched walls when she has tried to talk to him in the past about something that wasn’t working in the relationship. They live in two different states. She is paying his rent. He is smoking weed. She has tried to end it, but that then turned into 100 texts and 40 calls later….and she is still with him.

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This topic came up because he posted a picture of them and said how much he loves and misses her and I just got so mad seeing that, and seeing people like that. I know they have no idea how bad the relationship is, but it just makes me feel like he is trying to guilt trip her into staying with him.

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Another friend that I’ve mentioned before, Serena, was supposed to break up with her boyfriend months ago, but she never did to my knowledge. There is another case of social media distorting reality. There’s tons of post of how amazing their relationship is on Facebook, but it’s not true. Serena has an amazing job right now, is continuing her education, and has everything in life going for her except for her boyfriend. She really needs to break up with him because he really is not good her her. They do hold each other back. It’s sad, because she has so much potential to have an amazing life.

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Even I am guilty of having a filter through social media. No one knows about Cody and the porn thing (besides his sister, his best friend, and my sister). Everyone who see’s posts of us through social media probably thinks we have a perfect relationship. We do have a wonderful relationship, but no one knows that we have been through some real shit together and have gotten through it.

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I just find it funny that we all have this desire to make people think we have a great life, and we may have great lives, but it’s so filtered when it’s posted on social media, that it isn’t reality anymore. It’s a snapshot, it’s a moment, it’s not life.

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Though there are people who are honest on their social media. Ethan’s brother, Spencer is one of those people and I absolutely love him for that. He posts about things not being perfect. He will post if he accomplishes something but he will also post if he is struggling with something, whether it be studying for an exam, having a failed attempt at making a friend or romantic connection, and so on. Spencer’s honesty is admirable. I love that he can do that and that his friends always comment and support him.

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I think my main frustrating is that society as a whole puts on this front, this mask, to make it seem like everything is okay. I am someone who likes honesty and deep connections and social media has made connecting to people so superficial. I find it hard to really get to know people on a deeper level these days because no one wants to be perceived as “weak”, or “crazy”, or “undesirable”, etc.

I will end this post with a quote from Shakespeare:

All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.

XOXO Anna

 

Dying Hair and One Year

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Serena came over and dyed my hair for me. The color looks really nice! I absolutely love my new dark brown hair. We then went to her house and I got some of her clothes that she didn’t fit in anymore. She did my makeup and I did her hair and we went out to a bar to meet some of her friends. Cody was meeting us there. Before he got there some guys were trying to talk and dance with me and that made me uncomfortable. I didn’t think the bar we were going to would be as packed as it was last night, and it was nerve wracking.

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I didn’t really want to be there once I realized how packed it was. I mean, though I got raped on the 18th, it happened on a saturday night to sunday morning. I was already hoping not to be triggered but being at a bar that had a club environment in the back room was anxiety provoking. I had a drink before Cody got there but once Cody got there and I stuck to him like glue. We got a drink and we danced and went home. I knew I was drunk but I wanted to have sex and I hid the fact that I was drunk from Cody. We had sex, and I got very triggered after it. I had a flashback right after sex and it was very intense. It took Cody a while to get me to calm down. To me it felt like hours, but it probably was just third minutes. I was terrified though during my flashback. Cody did an amazing job to keep me as grounded as possible.

Cody’s making french toast right now. We are doing brunch in this weekend because we are trying to save money. I hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

XOXO Anna

Got Grilled

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Yesterday I hung out with one of my gay best friends. He is amazing with shopping and my mom told him that we could spend $2,000 on a new wardrobe for me. Because of my anorexia I have issues with shopping and getting clothes, especially if they aren’t fitted. So we got lunch before shopping, and I told him about Cody and I, and how serious we were. The second I mentioned marriage I got grilled beyond belief. I told him why I wanted to marry Cody one day and my friend accepted the answer after my explanation. In the  end my friend said that someone had to grill me to make sure I was sure about Cody and my future.

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I’m actually siting on Cody’s lap right now… he wanted to spend more time with me before he went to game. It’s really sweet, and I like having him here while I blog and write. I now understand why he loves it when I go to check up on him when he is gaming. I like having him here, just his presence is calming.

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Tonight I think I’m hanging out with Serena and she is going to give me her clothes that she has outgrown. Then she is going to help me dye my hair brown again. It’s been fading to like a dirty blonde and I want it back to the color when I met Cody. Plus school starts on the 29th and I want my hair to be brown again before I start there.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend so far!

XOXO Anna