Cody’s Recovery…Day 7

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Yesterday we went to that AA meeting and it helped Cody a lot. It even helped me. Though we went to a car after to get drinks, I know, it was strange. Cody told me that if he was ever seen by an AA member drinking he would confess to them that his addiction is porn and that he goes to the meetings because they help him and there are no s-anon meetings in our area. I on the other hand drank two prosecco’s and got tipsy/drunk. Cody wasn’t happy, nor was I. Didn’t mean for that to happen. Not sure if we are going to AA later today or not, but I think I should if I can. Cody and I agreed that he and I will go together 3 times a week, plus our once a week couples therapy, and then after we go to the Ohio wedding at the end of the month we will get him an individual therapist.

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Cody so far has been honest with me, shown that he does want to get better, and hasn’t fought me on the recovery plan. So far things are looking good. I pray they stay that way…

XOXO Anna

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Talked

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I am calmer, and I wrote Cody a letter. Cody just left, and he came home for his lunch break and we talked. Cody mainly cried. He walked through the door with a bouquet of red and white roses (my favorite) and he didn’t even get a sentence out before he started crying and he pulled out replacement ring set for the one he got since the black was coming off, and we wanted them to stay nice for fancy occasions. I saw how upset he was and he admitted he had a problem and really wanted help this time. The “porn” he looked at wasn’t actual girls which I was thankful for but like star wars or animated stuff… which was strange to see and honestly obviously less threatening. But still doesn’t make up for him lying.

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One reader, Jeff, has commented on many of my posts and has given great advice and feedback, and I decided that Cody and I should go to an AA meeting since there is no S-Anon meetings in our area. I told Cody that when he said alcohol at the meetings he would in his head be saying porn. I think it might help him to go and talk and it will help me too. My drinking has honestly been really good lately, I haven’t even wanted alcohol for the past couple weeks. I rather have tea or coffee.

But I’ll post the letter I wrote to Cody just so you guys understand what was said from my half.

Dear Jerk, oh whoops, I meant Cody,

So much for you being different than the other shitty guys I’ve had. I really thought you were different. My bad. Maybe I was too naive and hopeful, thinking I could get a happy ending. Let’s be real, my life was shit, it’s shit now, and my future will be shit as well. Doesn’t matter if I stay with you or find someone else, it’s still shit. See this is why I was going to have my life with me, my child, and my dog all alone. No one could hurt me then. If my life got fucked it was because of me. Not because of some random asshole who comes into my life and tears it a part.

Sorry, had to get that anger out. Anyways, back to the real point. You are a liar. The one thing I don’t tolerate and the thing I hate. Fuck. That police class didn’t do shit. I couldn’t fucking tell that you were lying to me for a month. Guess it’s a good thing I’m not going to be a police officer.

I think the worst part is you were actually convincing me to trust you again. Why do you think I still jump on you every time something happens? It’s because deep down I figured it would happen and if I jumped on you enough then maybe it wouldn’t happen. Maybe, just maybe, you would care. You wouldn’t be selfish. You would actually care about me. Care about my feelings. Care that when you look up porn it literally shreds my heart into a million pieces that I then have to pick up and tape back together. I still only had maybe half of my heart rebuilt. Now my heart is completely re-torn apart and the pieces that were already torn apart aren’t even salvageable anymore it seems.

Why. Why oh why oh why do you lie? Do you like hurting me? Are you secretly another sociopath that loves to reek havoc in my life? Are you a wolf in sheeps clothing? Have I been deceived for a whole year? Or is this just you being a generic asshole of a guy who is too selfish to care about anything but his own needs and feelings? To me, right now, you are looking pretty damn bad to me. You’re lucky we’ve had so many good times or I’d be gone right now, hell I would have been gone after the first time.

Why do I stay with you you asked at work? I stay because real relationships are not perfect and you don’t bail on those you love, you don’t bail on family. Sadly that’s what I’ve come to think of you as. Family. Which makes this all the more painful. I rather have those asshole guys from Savannah hurt me again because it wouldn’t be half as bad as the way you’ve made me feel when you betray me with lie after lie. You know Rachael told me I should leave you. I told her I couldn’t. She said I could and I wasn’t trapped. It’s true though. I could leave right now, and never turn back, start fucking any guy who shows interest and go on the path I was going on before I met you. But you see that doesn’t seem right.

Cody, we have built a life together. A life together. I would never risk losing it, yet here you are, a year in and still willing to risk everything…for what? For what, Cody? For some fake chick with huge tits and a big ass? Do you see why I continue to want surgery? Do you see why I continue to be with Ed. Ed is safer than you. That’s what I feel. That’s why I haven’t given Ed up. He keeps me from being with someone who will hurt me. Who does hurt me. Ed can be irrational, and very stupid, but at the end of the day he looks out for me and protects me from getting too close and getting hurt. That’s why he hates you. He hates you because you hurt me. He hates you because you’re trying to take him away from me. He doesn’t like that you’ve hurt me, and is trying to save me from a life I will regret. That is why Ed is still here.

Cody, I love you, I do. It’s just so simple. You don’t love me. You don’t even care about me. I feel so stupid and blind. I’ve spent at least $1,000 on you, and I do everything I can to make you happy. Yet here you are, forgetting about me, forgetting promises, forgetting presents for anniversaries, forgetting to have foreplay, and it goes on and on. I think you’re actually quite selfish. I think you’re a nice guy, to a degree, but you are selfish and that is one of your worst qualities. If we are ever going to make this work, you need to stop being selfish and be honest.

Do you see why I haven’t believed you when you say we’ve made progress, or we’ve come so far, or you love me, or things are different. Things aren’t different. We are back in January and December. We just lost all that progress we, or I, worked for. Yes I. I worked for us. You didn’t. You’re complacent. Or, you just think you can get away with treating me like crap because I’m nice and won’t leave. Well Cody, let me tell you this, I will leave. I will leave you if you lie to me again. I don’t want to. It will kill me to leave you and the life we’ve built. You’re not only killing me, but hurting Luvas, and now our baby Emily. She loves you so much and now… if you lie again you lose us all. You’ll never see us again. So if porn is worth more than three lives… well then that answers that. We mean nothing to you. That’s how I feel right now. I feel meaningless and worthless. I feel stupid. I feel angry. I feel like I want to get you back. I want to cheat or cut or burn or drink. But I’m better than that. I will stay strong because I am just that good. I care about myself and I care about our babies. I won’t let them have two parents that fail them. I will be strong and I will be great. I am great. Hell you are god damn lucky to have me. You’re also lucky I gave you so many chances. Cody, you’re not a cat and you don’t have nine lives. You’re running out of chances.

There are options right now.

  1. We go to therapy and continue living together and working on trust.
  2. I leave and go to my parents for the next two weeks and we go to therapy and we continue to trust each other.
  3. The one I really don’t want to do, which is breakup.

So I really want you to think. You need to think about whether you love me. Whether you want me. Whether you want a serious relationship. Whether you’re ready for a serious relationship. Because Cody I deserve much better than this. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be loved and cared about. Do you want to be the single guy who tries to hit every girl. If that’s what you want let me know, we can live here in our apartment and we can move your shitty mattress from your dad’s and you can have the living room and I’ll take the bed room and we will live civilly together but single since we are locked in this lease.

So Cody, you have some thinking to do. I hope you’ll let me know if you want to be with me or if you love me, or if you’ve been playing me the whole time. All I want at this point is some honesty and if you can’t give me that then it’s obvious that we’re done.

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Cody, before I read this letter, was crying and was very upset. Once I read the letter he went numb. I told him obviously feelings from when I wrote the letter changed but I wanted to read it to him so he knew how hurt I was and would be if this kept happening with no effort to change or be honest with me.

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Out of the three options obviously Cody wants number one. I was thinking about number 2 because in my head number 3 isn’t an option. I believe that Cody and I have worked too hard to give up on us. Plus, if we were married what would we do? Divorce? No. So I am treating this relationship seriously because it is a serious relationship. If Cody was just a fling I would have left ages ago but Cody isn’t just a fling. He is the one and will always be the one. Plus I know addiction. I burned myself only once before our friend called me and talked to me after I texted her what happened. Addiction is strong and honestly I know that giving up and walking away from someone with an addiction is the worst thing you can do. That’s another reason why I am staying, because you need a support system with addictions, and it’s not like Cody has told his friends he has an addiction to porn, nor would they understand. His guy friends would say it’s not a problem and that it’s fine.

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But after reading the letter I got Cody to talk to me a bit and then he started crying again and wouldn’t let me hug him or touch him because he thought he didn’t deserve it. I told him that was nonsense and hugged him. I told him that he should say out loud any thought that crossed his mind while he was crying and when he spoke I was shocked.

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He really hasn’t forgiven himself for any of the missteps or incidents and he is very unforgiving on himself for any hurt he has caused me. He said some things that were very sad for me to hear, because I hated hearing him so depressed and hating on himself. I know everyone makes mistakes and that addictions are hard to get through, and I know what he is feeling because I’ve been there. He reminded me so much of myself a couple years ago when I was crying because I hurt someone because of my addiction. Of course I didn’t have anyone who really stuck around and helped me through it, which made my addiction so much worse. It was only when I was about to lose someone from my addiction that I got help and changed everything, so I’m hoping that Cody is going to do the same.

XOXO Anna

3 Year Anniversary

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Two nights ago I drank a lot and was black out drunk. I was really down, like suicidal down. I was thinking about Peter, and that just got to me. Cody told me not to keep drinking but I didn’t listen. I regret it because Cody filled me in on all the blanks and it wasn’t good. Apparently I grabbed a kitchen knife, threatening to cut. But that’s what I wanted before I drank, I wanted to cut or do worse. I also, when completely intoxicated, ask for sex and say that “I’ll do whatever you want.” I only know this because Cody videoed some of it. He videoed me because he wanted for me to know what it was like when I got drunk and had flashbacks and stuff. It was very rough to watch. I told Cody to delete the video. He did. I didn’t go to school today. Since two nights ago I’ve been incredibly down. I think, or I know, that I am going to go back to AA for a bit so I can remind myself why drinking doesn’t solve anything. Peter sexually assaulted me on February 26th and it was a tuesday night. So, though the date anniversary is friday, to me it’s today. Cody and I are going to cuddle and watch TV when he gets home and have a relaxing night, and on wednesday he said he would go with me to an AA meeting because I am too scared to go on my own. How did I get so lucky to find a guy who not only takes care of me when drunk and doesn’t do anything sexual to me, but will go to an AA meeting, or goes to eating disorder treatment with me? Again, he is a unicorn, and I am damn lucky to have him.

XOXO Anna

Drinking, Feelings, and Relationships

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Yesterday was a very interesting day. I woke up with Cody and we went out to brunch. I knew there was nothing for me to eat there. I got a drink, as in alcoholic, and then another and had a bit of Cody’s friends salad.

We all then went to the bar Cody likes and I got two more drinks. One while Cody was there, and another when his friend took him to get his car. Not a good choice on my part with little food in my stomach. I don’t really remember leaving the bar. The fact that I drank so much that I don’t remember or that it is so fuzzy I need someone to tell me worried me.

So I have decided to cut back on drinking, like a lot. I’m going to see if I can find a good AA meeting around me. I really miss the ones back at my school in GA. They had a great one! I went on days I didn’t even have the urge to drink because the people were so friendly.

Last night when Cody was over I told him I was going to be cutting back and I would possibly need his help, especially if we are in that kind of environment where everyone is drinking. There’s a reason I had to give up the party life while I started going to AA. I honestly wasn’t ready to be around people drinking at that point because it was too tempting for me to drink.

I then was trying to figure out why I was drinking so much. Things are pretty good right now, so why the drinking? Well, I think a lot has to do with the little things just building up. For one, a new relationship. Being in a relationship can be stressful to anyone, but for me, because of my past it takes more adjusting. Then my sister hates me. My mom isn’t helping when it comes to my eating disorder. My dad was in the hospital. Also, I am trying my best to eat! That means I have taken away not eating as a coping skill. As they say you trade one addiction for another. I used to trade my anorexia for cutting or drinking. I can’t cut. So I guess I turned to drinking. Also, I am doing EMDR so that brings up a lot of crap.

Today I have a therapy session and I am going to ask if we can start up EMDR again. See, we do a couple EMDR sessions and then take a break for a couple sessions because of how intense it can get.

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But anyways! Last night Cody was freaking amazing. Like I was super stressing because my mom and I just talked and she said a comment about treatment and I was done. She was like, “I don’t care if you go back tomorrow or ever. You don’t need treatment. You use it as a crutch.” Sorry but …holy fucking crap. She is wrong. See, there are times I can handle it without treatment, but the thing is, once I stop eating for enough days, that’s when I need the help. If I catch it early, I can get back on track. But once it becomes a pattern or “normal” then I can’t get back to eating on my own. That’s what happened this time round.

I was trying to eat on my own, couldn’t. My sister and I started doing a meal plan thing, it was hard. I got eight days of following it, and then I started having a social life and my eating fell to shit. I needed Renfrew at that point because no amount of having someone sit me down to eat was going to make me eat.

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Anyways, so Cody was awesome, he gave me this fucking to die for back massage. It really relaxed me because I was so wound up. Like Jesus! So fucking amazing. Then Cody and I were talking more, and he was just telling me all the sweetest things. Like there was a point at which I was honestly speechless and had no idea what to say. He was saying things like how beautiful I am, and how pretty my face is and how there are just things I do that make me adorable. Like he says it’s the little things about me that he loves. Also! Oh my god, there are times when Cody and I are talking and he just says things in the most poetic way. I can’t even handle it. Last night he was explaining how again, I am separate from my problems. That he knows me, and when I’m breaking down, it’s not me. He said, “When I see you crying like that, it’s not Anna in front of me, and all I want to do is get Anna back.” I like died a little inside. It is also true. Now, if I ever breakdown or have a flashback I’ll be thinking about that comment.

Cody is one of the first people who actually seems to…I don’t know. Like, okay, here is how I can explain this. I have a healthy part of my mind, the logic side, and then I have the unhealthy part of my mind, which encompasses all my ED thoughts and other things. It’s as if Cody is like the logic side of my head if my logic were a human. I know that sounds really strange. But see, the things he says to me, I already know to some degree, and the fact that another person see’s that, makes me believe it more.

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The things Cody says to me at times, and the way he explains things to me, makes so much sense. It’s like when he says it, I hear it and I understand it. It clicks. That really doesn’t happen to me. My dad is very logic and analytical and intellectual and I am sure my dad has said things that Cody has told me, but there’s a difference. My dad is family so I feel like it’s not as real when he says things that Cody’s told me. Also, my dad doesn’t explain it in the exact way that Cody does. See, Ethan and my dad have very similar logical minds, and they both would tell me the things Cody’s told me, but there was always something missing. You know what that was? Emotion. My dad and Ethan, when they would explain it, it was logical, detached. When Cody tells me these things, I see the emotion behind it. I also like the way he breaks it all down and explains it step by step. I’ve never met anyone like him.

Cody said there are times that I blow him away. I laughed. I honestly am not sure how I do that, but I’ll take it. I mean, he mentions my looks a lot, which is nice, but at the same time I’d like to hear more about how me as a person is what also makes him love me. I mean, he says, I love you for you and who you are.

I feel so lucky to have met Cody. Truly, lucky. I am very happy that I’ve met him. We, personality wise, get along very well, and that’s very important. I think part of why we get along well is because we are similar in many ways and we can see where each other is coming from when an issue comes up. It makes it easier to understand and reassure the other when that happens. I also love our differences too. It makes for a good balance.

In relationships there are stages. Because I’ve taken psychology and learned so much from my experiences in GA, I feel like I know a lot. I know what to possibly expect and can prepare myself. See, even from my past relationships I’ve learned a lot. Though I used to be very emotionally driven, throughout my experience I’ve become more logically driven, more like Ethan and my dad, but I haven’t lost the emotional side.

Cody says I am perfect for him. I like the way he phrases that because I am not perfect. Maybe for him, but I am not perfect for most people. I have my little quirks and character flaws like everyone else. That’s one thing that is important in a relationship, is to acknowledge the other person has flaws and is human. In the honeymoon stage everything seems perfect and like a dream. There’s a reason most relationships end after that stage. People often “wake up” and are shocked at who they’re in a relationship with. The things they thought were once cute, now annoy them. I’ve gotten only to stage two in relationships. Here, for those who don’t know them, I’ll list them.

  1. The Honeymoon stage (romantic, drug induced phase)
  2. The Power Struggle phase (where most couples breakup)
  3. The Stability Stage
  4. The Commitment Stage
  5. The Bliss/Co-creation Stage

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I think I got to stage two with Ethan and Eric. Ethan and I only made it to stage two because of what happened with Peter. Ethan and I tried to overcome that. We maybe almost got to stage three, but ended up breaking up. Eric and I were just entering the power struggle phase when Eric bailed. I think he didn’t like that he didn’t have all the power.  See stage two is about compromise and understanding. That is key. It’s about understanding that there are going to be differences, and there are going to be things that come up, but you have to know which battle to fight and what to let go. I think that’s why Eric and I ended. He just figured things weren’t like they were, which was the honeymoon stage. He didn’t like that I was hanging out with guy friends and became more controlling. The thing is I was aware of what was happening, where he wasn’t. I think that’s what went wrong. The power struggle phase is difficult. It’s the stage where you feel betrayed because things aren’t like they were, or you think to yourself who is this person, or you want to run, etc. I knew it was stage two because I wanted to run. I knew I shouldn’t though, because I was aware of what was happening. It is a natural part of a relationship when you start to argue or things change. Change is inevitable. It’s the only way to move forward.

I am glad that Cody has actually had a longer term relationship than me, I feel like because he has that experience, it will be easier to navigate now. I mean, for me, knowing about the honeymoon stage and everything, I try my best to not be blindsided. I am trying to see Cody as a person with amazing traits and some flaws. I see both the good and bad. I accept both. It’s not even good or bad, it’s more like his strengths and weaknesses. Cody has so many strengths that I don’t have and that makes him extremely attractive to me. Like very fucking attractive. I like it when my partner has strengths where I myself am weak. It gives me the opportunity to learn from my partner, and I’ve mentioned before that I love learning from my partner.

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We do both have some similar weaknesses, such as our issues with jealousy. We both get jealous. But, seeing him get jealous, and me knowing there’s nothing to be jealous about, helps me with my own jealousy, because I realize that it’s the same situation for him. He may get jealous of one of my guy friends, but they are just my friends. So when I get jealous of one of his girl friends, I just think to myself they are the equivalent to one of my guy friends. It doesn’t always work, but for the most part it kills the jealousy.

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But yeah, totally going all psych here today. I guess I really just want school to start. I am truly excited! I honestly can’t freaking wait! Hope everyone’s having a good day!

XOXO Anna

Made a New Page

Hey guys, so I figured since new people subscribe as time passes, that I should make a page that has posts that people commented on, liked, or just seemed relevant to the new people who might be checking out my blog. The page is supposed to give new subscribers an idea of what this blog is about.

Check it out!

XOXO Anna

Roller Coaster with AA to save the day!

So in my fiction class I had the same guy with the backwards hat trigger me. That wasn’t fun. Then when everyone was leaving class, Christian boy came up behind me and I got so freaked. I like jumped. Damn PTSD. But it’s not like Christian boy would know I have PTSD. But anyways, he said, “Take care sweetheart” again.

I then went to AA tonight. Not the young people’s AA but the original place I went for my first meeting. I like going to those meetings better because those are the people I met on the first day or the first week. I’ve bonded with them.

I’ve mentioned one guy in AA who I look up to in a past post. He really is sweet. We talked today and hugged and caught up. After the meeting everyone hung out and smoked outside and talked. The guy I look up to, who we will call Derek, is a member of that group and he was staying for the 8 o’clock. He asked if I was staying and I said I should probably eat since I’m anorexic. He was like, “oh yeah do what you have to do. You look great by the way.” Gave me a hug and kiss on the head and said “take care.” I can’t think of a nickname to give him. He wears these cool black spiral earrings that make him seem punk. He dresses like he has a job in business. First time I met him he was riding his bike home.

Overall a very unusual day. It’s Monster’s birthday by the way. So I think it somehow was triggering.

Right now, Quick Silver is about to come over because I gave him a ride home from a film set last night and he said he would give me gas money so maybe he will stay over and we might watch Breaking Bad together…

Anyways, signing off to make dinner!

XOXO Anna