The Roles I Play

I found this essay I wrote this past winter for my Acting class. I thought it was interesting to read, and figured I’d post it. It’s interesting to think about the roles you play in your life to different people.

In my life I consider myself a social chameleon. I tend to adapt to my surrounding and mimic those I’m around, all the while still being genuine to my character. There are infinite amount of roles I could list, but I’ll mention the ones that seem to affect me the most.

I am a daughter. As a daughter there are high expectations, which drives me to excel at whatever challenge is presented. Failure is not an option. Mistakes can be an option- but only if I learn and don’t repeat them. As a daughter I act like a baby. I will admit that when I am in the comfort of my home, I feel as if I am allowed to be a child. I will ask my mom to cook for me or for my dad to sit and have philosophical conversations with me because that’s when I’m most comfortable. On the other hand, I can be very serious as a daughter. I can be very hard on myself, and will try my best to make my parents proud.

I am a sister. This role can be challenging but very rewarding. As a sister I am very protective. There were times in the past, where my sister would be made fun of because of her dyslexia or some other stupid issue, and I would immediately come to defend her and make those who laughed at her apologize. Bullying is not tolerated. When it comes to being a sister, I will be either more shy, letting my younger sister take the lead because of her strong personality, or I will take lead and try to be a good role model. A lot of my behavior is situational. But I always am looking out for my sister and wanting to protect her from the bad experiences I’ve gone through.

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I am the sick one in the family. When I say that I don’t mean I am literally sick throwing up, I mean I am the one who has an anxiety disorder and Anorexia. This role for the past two years has been a dominant role, which I don’t like to play. I have gone to treatment for Anorexia twice, and I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and have been in therapy for that. This role can exhibit itself through my insecurities. With Anorexia, there is a high emphasis in my head about how I look. There were days in high school where I wouldn’t go to school because I hated my reflection and thought I was “fat” or “not pretty enough.” I remember waking up in the morning and trying on everything I had, crying and throwing my clothes around the room because nothing “looked good enough.” I still to this day, sometimes can’t go out because I am so self-conscious of how I look. Since it is a mental illness, I now realize that my own thoughts are not true, but two years ago I had no idea I had a problem, and my family didn’t understand. Since my family and I have learned what I have the whole dynamic has changed. When I’m home my mother treats me as if I am sick. And there are days that I do act sick. But there are days when I’m fine. With the PTSD my family doesn’t always realize what will trigger me into a behavior such as a flashback, or crying, or getting angry and snapping at them. As the sick one in the family the role has made me more quiet and reserved, letting everything build until I cry and tell them whats wrong. As the sick one I tend to want to be invisible and not be noticed, yet at the same time dying for someone to ask me if I’m okay. Part of me feels like I’m not allowed to show my emotions, so in response to that feeling, I hide.

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I am a friend. As a friend my role can change depending upon the person. With my guy friends, I try to be one of the guys. I will try to make jokes with them and go with the flow. With the few girl friends I have I tend to be more “girly” which is something I usually don’t show. I will gossip about boys with my girl friends and will be a shoulder to cry on. With the guys I act tough, and try to seem put together and laid back. I am also, with all friends, a confidant, someone where someone can vent to. I like to be able to have people feel comfortable enough to open up to me. I like being able to give advice whether on romance or on which homework to start on.

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I am the emotional one. One therapist once wrote a note, “Anna is the designated feeler of emotions for the family?” It’s true. My family is not very emotional. My parents are pretty much pure logic, and my sister can balance logic and emotions pretty well, but her logic side easily gets frustrated when I become “too” emotional. Due to the things that I have gone through in the past two years, I am a new person. I could say I have always been emotional, but once the PTSD set in, I was the emotional one. As the emotional one, with friends or family, I tend to express my thoughts and feelings more openly. I tend to me the empathetic one, the one with compassion and understanding. I will go out of my way to make sure people around me are doing okay, and if not, I will be there with them until they are. As the emotional one, with the PTSD, some people call me “crazy” and that is one word I hate. PTSD does not make me crazy, but it does make my emotional reactions stronger than most others. I also have a mood disorder that is on the bipolar spectrum, and that makes my emotions “volatile” as my mom describes it. I can be hypomanic and depressive within a day, which can be very confusing to the people around me. Because I can feel so strongly, that also makes me very passionate. As the emotional one I tend to get into whatever I’m doing to a strong degree, I can be a very good listener and advisor, and will always be there as a shoulder to cry on for whomever needs it.

I am the loyal and trustworthy one. To everyone I encounter I always tell them that trust and honesty are the most important things to me. As the loyal/trustworthy one my friends know that I am dependable. If they need me I am there. If there’s an issue, I will be there to take their side and support them if they’re right, or try to correct them if they’re wrong. As the loyal/trustworthy one I often get told personal things from my friends and family. They know that I am not going to judge them. Loyalty brings out protectiveness in me. Being trustworthy, I begin to open up and be honest so that the person will feel more secure in sharing what’s on their mind.

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I am the pretty one/trophy. I get this from not only guys but girls too. Because of the anorexia I don’t always see it. But on the days I do, I act ten times more confidant than usual. I will have a strong walk, hold my head up high, and act like I am great. Not to say I don’t think highly of myself, because there are days when I’m low, but I do think that I am a pretty good person. As the pretty one everyone assumes I get anything I want. I get whatever guy I want, I can get things for free etc. Because certain people see me as the pretty one, I tend to dress nicely, or sexy at times because I feel that’s what others expect of me. I put time into doing my hair, and getting my makeup correct, and choosing that right outfit for the outing. As the pretty one, there’s also this unspoken rule of acting politely and like a “woman.” As the pretty one, I am the trophy to whatever guy I have on my arm. As the pretty one I get reduced to an object and not a person, and that will reflect in how I dress or act. This role is one I have a love/hate relationship with. One the one hand, I am flattered that guys or girls think that I am physically appealing. On the other, most times that’s all they see, or care to see, and don’t look deeper and assume I’m a dumb pretty blonde- which is not me at all! When I realize that I am in the “pretty” role, I will dress provocatively or sexy and will conform with people. I like the confidence this role give me, but I hate the fact that people will reduce me to an object to please them.

Those are the most played roles in my life these days. Some of them I enjoy, while others aren’t fun and can be very difficult. I try not to define myself by these things, but end up doing just that at times. I prefer to think of myself as someone who can adapt and be flexible when needed.

So that essay was very eye opening for me to write. I know that yesterday I was feeling like a sex object/trophy and re-reading this essay today was interesting. Sometimes I forget how I feel about the roles I play in my life and what roles I want to change.

XOXO Anna

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Betrayal

So I went on Facebook, just to see what all my old friends have been up to. I saw a post from Peter, the guy who sexually assaulted me in freshman year. Also got notified by instagram that he made one and to follow him. Bleh! So I check Peter’s page, and I see the mutual friends tab, saying we have mutual friends. I knew we did because he went to my school and was in performing arts with some people I knew. I click on it and find that Eric is friends with him.

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Like what?! Why?! How can he be so indecent as to friend someone who sexually assaulted me. Eric was the one who told me I should report it back in freshman year after he read my statement. So what the hell happened? I think I posted about how Eric and his roommate dragged Ethan to a club where Peter DJ’s at and Ethan got drunk because of how pissed he was and how he wanted to beat Peter up for what he did to me. Of course, Ethan being the guy he is would never act violently, but he wanted to punch him that night when he was drunk he told me. Eric has become the biggest douche.

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Seriously how can people change so dramatically? I am at a loss…

XOXO Anna

Practiced with Quick Silver!

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So I went over to Quick Silver’s and we practiced it. He helped me get my lines down and sat patients as I rehearsed over and over. Then we went to the computer lab and I showed him my blog because I wanted to show him the new theme. Yes my blog is anonymous, but my sister knows about it, one close girl friend knows my username and everything because she helped me create it, and Quick Silver knows I have one and what it looks like, so I didn’t really give it away.

But anyways…. We were chilling outside the lab, and it was really funny, I was talking about how I had sex and feel all confident again, and I was thinking about Eric because he like lives in that building because of his major, and sure enough, like a freaking TV show, Eric swipes his card to get into the building. I didn’t even realize it was him until he walked through the door.

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My reaction? I felt SO gross. I literally was like, “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Ewww, gross, gross, bleh!” and I literally was freaking out because of how disgusted I felt to be that close to him. I’ve never reacted to a person like that before. It totally caught me off guard, but gross. I can still feel it lingering. I am so taking a shower! But Quick Silver walked me to the parking lot and we kept talking and I calmed down… but I realized that I was parked in the parking spot where I had a bad memory with Eric,and my ex Captain America. To tell you about that:

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I got fucked up at a party. Their friend picked me up and threw me in the back of the car. It triggered a flashback to when Monster put me in the back of the car before he raped me. I literally was freaking out. The friend was feeling sick in the front seat. Eric was in the back trying to calm me down while Captain America was confused as hell. We get to the parking lot, and the friend pukes half in the car and half outside. Captain America is freaking out. Pissed that his car is ruined. Eric takes the friend out of the car and I am in the back crying, thinking I’m about to get raped again. I get out of the car, I’m crying and walking all around the parking lot. Eric is trying to get me to be in the present. Captain America is being a useless fuck and just sitting down. Eric is trying to help the puking passed out friend while keeping me from getting hit by cars. Eric punched the wall out of frustration I remember. The story goes on, but that’s the main part.

So that memory came up while I was talking to Quick Silver and I had to ground myself before I got lost in that memory. Then Quick Silver mentioned that his grandmother was coming into town and that his grandma commented on a photo of Andy, asking if he was gay.

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I burst out laughing and we continued talking. Andy is very straight, as I know, as well as plenty of other girls. We eventually parted ways and, just like I always did with Ethan, I had to like ask for a hug. Ethan, after 2.5 years finally realizes that I am a hug kind of a person, and that whenever parting to give me a hug. Quick Silver is just I don’t know- Oblivious as Andy would say. Andy knows to hug me when parting ways.

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I guess some people are just more observant (?). But I had a great night practicing with Quick Silver and just talking. I could have totally lived without seeing Eric, but hey, at least I know my true reaction and feelings about him. I am so glad my reaction wasn’t crying and wondering why we weren’t friends. I am glad disgust was my reaction.

Now for a shower, and then passing out!

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XOXO Anna

Took my Detective Final!

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So it wasn’t as bad as I thought. It was easier than the midterm in a way. At least, parts were. But yay! One down! Now to focus on my acting final for tomorrow. I called my mom to act out my final to her, and she said I did a great job. Just memorizing it will be the trick. Quick Silver might be able to rehearse with me later, so I pray that he can!

XOXO Anna

Finally chose a monologue!

My acting final is tomorrow. I finally chose a monologue today. I am so fucking scared. Not even joking. I chose a monologue I know I can do, but it’s hard for me to do because it’s about love. It’s the same issue I’m having that I had with my Fault In Our Stars monologue I did in the beginning of the quarter.

This is the monologue. It’s from Grey’s Anatomy when Lexie tells Mark she loves him.

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I love you. Oh, g—Oh, my God. That just came fly-flying out of my face like it was s-s-some kind of—I-I I love you. I just—God. Did it again. [laughs] I…I-I-I-I love you. I do. I just—I love you. And I have been trying not to say it. I have been trying so hard to just mash it down and ignore it and not say it. And Jackson is a great guy. He—he is, and he—he’s gorgeous, and—and he’s younger than you, and he doesn’t have any grandkids or babies with his lesbian B.F.F.s and he’s an Avery, and—and he liked me, you know? He really liked me. But it was never gonna work out because I…I love you. I am so in love with you. And you’re—you’re in me. It’s—you’re like—it’s like you’re a disease. It’s like I am infected by Mark Sloan. [laughs] And I just can’t—I can’t think about anything or anybody, and I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe. I can’t eat. And I love you. I just—I love you all the time, just every minute of every day. And I-I-I-I I love you. God, that feels good, just to—to—say that—I feel so much better. Just…I love you. [beat] Mark?

I am crazy nervous. I first have to memorize it. Then I have to rehearse it. I need to find someone to rehearse in front of. Fuck. I think I’ll text Quick Silver or someone. I pray that my Detective final goes well later today. I also hope that my acting final goes well too.

Fuck Finals.

XOXO Anna

Planning on showing my teacher my film today

I edited it all over the weekend. I am nervous to show my teacher because I have no idea if the film is any good or not. My sister, who watches brilliant films said it was terrible. My parents said, that she was just comparing my film to those films. My parents said they liked it and thought it was good since it’s my first attempt at this. Hopefully my teacher agrees with my parents.

XOXO Anna