Triggers During Pregnancy

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I was extremely worried when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared that my anorexia (ED) would take over. If you’ve read my posts, you know I refer to my anorexia as ED. I still get ED attacks every so often. Not as often as I used to when I was really sick, but still when they happen they can be extreme. I had hot chocolate for the first time in…. maybe a year the other day. I absolutely had an ED attack. ED was telling me that because I drank hot chocolate I was going to be fat, so I had to eat salads for the rest of pregnancy. I know, it sounds crazy, even as I typed it. But when ED attacked, the scary thing is it seemed logical, rational. Luckily, Cody was there and calmed me down and grounded me and we talked through the irrational thought. I challenged myself by making sure I had hot chocolate again the next day, and also today, to de-stigmatize it. I still feel guilty that I drank it, but not horrible about myself.

Another trigger has been getting the classic pregnancy round stomach. There are days where I am happy about it, and I’ll  rub my stomach and talk to our unborn son, but there are days, when I feel so crappy about my body I don’t want Cody to see me. For the most part, I think I’ve been doing an amazing job with eating when I am hungry and doing my best to stay healthy. On the other hand, I feel guilty whenever I don’t eat a balanced meal.

I am nervous about post pregnancy and dealing with my body. I know that will be a challenge, but I am hoping that I can overcome it. I am taking one day at a time, and reminding myself that I have to nourish myself so our son can be healthy.

XOXO Anna

Body Image and Pregnancy

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I have found it increasingly difficult to accept that my body is changing. I have struggled with anorexia for too many years, and now that I am pregnant, I am terrified about my body. I know I’ve gained weight and it’s probably just water retention or baby getting bigger or my boobs getting bigger and I know that I have to gain weight to have a successful pregnancy. But until there is a baby bump, I just feel fat. I don’t like these changes but know that it’s all for baby to be healthy.

It’s hard eating when you get nauseous at your favorite foods, especially when you’re already a picky eater. I just feel like I’m failing to eat enough due to food aversions and nausea and I feel terrible about it. Part of me doesn’t like the not eating because it reminds me of the days I used to restrict food.

I really want to have a healthy baby, and I know that eating right is part of that. I just hope that I can get enough food in for baby and me to be healthy.

XOXO Anna

The Flu, School, and Treatment

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I woke up this morning coughing with a runny nose and lots of nausea. I am supposed to have my treatment assessment on wednesday. I am really nervous for that. I really hate that I have been restricting. I have been eating slightly more normally but still  the anxiety is crazy.

I can’t believe this semester has been so crazy. I was doing amazing in the beginning then I was sick, and also restricting, and then I am looking into treatment then I possibly get the flu and will be starting treatment soon while being in school. I’ve never been in school and in treatment at the same time so a bit nervous. My grades already got hurt from my absences. I just hope I get through this semester without getting bad grades.

XOXO Anna

Relapse?

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I haven’t posted in a while due to the crazy amount of things going on. Cody’s Facebook post has caused insane amounts of blacklash as I mentioned. Cody feels like he fucked everything up. I have been verbally put down (not to my face) by 8 people. His sister and brother have said negative things, along with 3-4 friends. Then this past weekend both his parents accused me of writing and posting his post! His dad said I’m asking too much from him. I was so hurt and felt so betrayed. How could they think so lowly of me? It makes no sense. Anyways, I’m going to post this letter I’ve written to read to them.

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(I plan to say this and wait for their response)

Im in more pain than anyone should be. I love Cody and want to marry him, but all of you are making me feel like i should leave.

(Then after I will tell them I want to explain my side)

Cody lied and cheated on me for 365+ days and i stay. I think that says alot about how much i care and love him. When i met him i told him that the only two things i ask kf a friend or a boyfriend is honesty ans trust. I told him i would rather have him be honest and hurt me than lie to me and humiliate me.

I told him before he asked me to be his girlfriend about my anorexia and the triggers that i could not have in a relationship. One of them being porn. I told him many times through out the relationship that if he didnt want to help me or deal with the anorexia that he could leave, and there would be no ill will.

During our relationship i caught him with saved naked images or instagram naked images for the first three months of the relationship and i cried and broke down and told him that it was hurting me and was hurting my recovery. He told me he hadnt done anything else. He told my multiple times that he got rid of porn instagram accounts and didnt. He lied and loed and manipulated me so he could keep his secret.

Last Christmas eve i found a porn site on his phone and i was destroyed because by this time he was earning my trust back, and all that was shattered. Then after that he again tried and was actually earning my trust back until a month later when i found more porn. This time i broke down so hard because the amount of betrayals was getting too much. He promised me i knew everything at that point and wouldnt do it again.

I stayed and helped him and he came to the realization that he had a real problem. We were getting better and then i see porn on his work computer. Porn on a computer at work where my parents are in the next room. I kept my cool because my dad walked in right after i found it. I searched through  little more history with Cody begging me not to go further. I went home and sobbed my eyes out. I felt devastated and worthless. This man i love has destroyed me more than i could have imagined.

Cody was very sweet when he came home. He had a bouquet of flowers and promised i knew everything and it wouldnt happen again.

The next day I couldnt fight off the feeling of not knowing everything. Cody was really anxious about me looking through the history so i decided to check the history. I looked at the history from the day he met me and i was horrified. The whole time he was lying and on porn sites behind my back. He had promised me i knew everything but i didn’t even know half of it.

That night Cody and i both broke down and he begged me to stay and i stayed. I was hurt, betrayed, lied to, cheated on for over a year, and i stayed. I stayed because i accelted he had an addiction and saw that he wanted to stop hurting himself and myself.

It has been rocky. Given that i gave him my all during this relationship and he has lied, we have come to an agreement on how to earn trust back. He needs to be in recovery and completely honest. Given the gas lighting i can check his phone so i know he isnt lying. Its been 5 months since i found out everything and i think we are doing pretty damn well.

I love Cody and would never want to hurt him. The things i ask of him are honesty, trust, respect, and for him to pull his half for chores and relationship responsability. If thats too much then i dont know what a relationship is, so please inform me.


 

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So that is my letter. I honestly am baffled at how they blame the lied to and cheated on instead of the liar. I love Cody and he has an addiction. Addictions make people different than the person they really are. Cody (without actively using) is an amazing loving person. Cody (when using) is selfish and self-centered. He is not the Cody I love. So when Cody was using during our WHOLE relationship and I found out, I was broken. I’m on RebootNation and it has been the most helpful supportive place. I’ve been able to express all my feelings about this situation and have been given a lot of support and kind words through this healing.

So with all that said, with all the hate, I have fallen back into my anorexia. All I ate yesterday were two chicken tenders and coffee. Some days I’ve had a little more, but not by much.

I’ve missed school, been depressed, and was suicidal sunday night. I love Cody and am SO proud of his post, but it’s brought up a lot and has had people attack me for no reason. My professors are very understanding, and encouraged me to seek treatment. I applied to a new treatment center and am waiting to hear back from them today.

XOXO Anna

Struggling to Breath

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Yesterday was pretty intense. Cody was supposed to go to NYC with another employee to set up for my parents show in NYC. My phone, of course, was on silent, and I was asleep and missed 13 calls and a couple texts from Cody. When I woke up I immediately knew it had to be about his breathing and I called.

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Cody was having another breathing panic attack. I haven’t mentioned that he sometimes struggles with breathing because it hasn’t been too much a problem, but as of late, it’s gotten more intense. The struggle to breath in causes him to panic and thus makes it even more hard to breathe. The employee dropped Cody off at the train station to come back home. I picked him up and I was so glad to see him. I was so scared when we were on the phone earlier that morning. He got in the car and started crying. I was so scared and happy that he was there and I just tried to comfort him the best I could.

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Getting home I got him water and he napped and I canceled my therapy session to stay with him. We then went to my dentist, which Cody is terrified of, and Cody faced some of his fears. Also, the dentist asked if Cody and I were married, not just because of our rings, but because of the way we interact with each other. I was pretty flattered to have someone think that, and that hasn’t been the first time. Cody has a dentist appointment set up for them to take care of a filling that fell out. He also hasn’t seen a dentist in years because of his fear, so this is a huge step for him, and I’m really proud of him.

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After the dentist we went home, rested for a bit, and made dinner together. I made progress because I cooked along side Cody instead of letting Cody take care of making dinner by himself. I made the pasta, warmed the sauce and helped out with the chicken. Helping with the chicken was huge for me because I’ve always been squeamish about how raw meat looks, but I was cutting some of the chicken as it was cooking to see if it was ready. I know it’s small, but to me it was a big step forward. My goal is that one day I will be able to make my own chicken without freaking out or getting grossed out. But the dinner we made was fantastic! I’ve never enjoyed food so much.

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Cody and I had really had an amazing day yesterday, aside from the breathing scare. He also is going to see a doctor, my dads doctor, about his breathing and get a physical, since again Cody has not seen a doctor in years- another big step for him.

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It’s been a crazy couple of months since finding out about Cody’s porn addiction, but we have made progress as individuals and as a couple and I’m really proud of that. I know that being with someone who struggles from an addiction can be hard but if you love the person they are then it’s worth staying and getting through the struggle. Cody told me that I made him feel so loved and safe yesterday and that made me so happy to hear. He told me he now knows what I mean when I say for him to show me he loves me.

Last Week of Class

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These past five weeks I have had barely any time to relax. I have been working on the papers for my summer class, and this is my last week. My final paper is due tomorrow, so I’ll be working on that tonight. This english class has been amazing though. I have learned so much and I really like the teacher.

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Ed has also been ruling my head lately. I have had a lot of anorexia panic attacks these past two weeks, it’s exhausting. I am trying to stick to a meal plan I wrote out, and Cody is going to do it with me, but I am honestly terrified to do it. I know that if I eat balanced and exercise two times a week for 30 minutes on a treadmill I should be fine, but the irrational thoughts still are here.

XOXO Anna

Progress all around!

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My summer english class has been very interesting. My first graded paper is due this week so I am a bit nervous, but the teacher and I spoke one day after class and he said that there was something there in my writing. I told him I used to be a dramatic writing and creative writing major and minor. He said that was it, he could see that I am creative, have good grammar, and know what I am doing. I was shocked because I have never really had any teacher tell me I am good at grammar.

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Then this weekend with Cody was AMAZING. I mean, I am still in awe of how much progress he made, but also us as a couple made. Sex had been a issue for about two weeks. This weekend, well suddenly Cody wasn’t depressed any more and he wanted me. It was amazing to feel wanted. He also, when we hung out with his dad this weekend, told his dad about his porn addiction. I mean, we were sitting down at lunch with his dad, talking about  his parents divorce, and then he told his dad the reason we had been having issues in Ohio was because I had found out he was a porn addict. We explained how I have anorexia and how I told him that couldn’t be a part of the relationship from the beginning, and how he hid it from me until I found out like two months ago. His dad did not judge either of us. In fact I felt like his dad respected me more because I stayed and have been helping him get through this. But the progress we made is amazing. Personally I am really struggling with my anorexia, Ed keeps telling me I am not skinny enough, so that sucks, but I am getting through it.

Over all things are turning around!

XOXO Anna

Anorexia Progress!!

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Today I made huge steps forward in my recovery all around. Not only did I see progress with my anorexia but also progress in healing from Cody’s addiction. Today my mood was up and I finally got around to doing all the chores that are my responsibility in the relationship. I felt really good about that. Because since I found out I have been depressed and unable to do the simplest of things, yet today I ran errands, did the chores, cleaned, etc. It felt good to go back to a routine that I know. Then I went to my parents house to finish up laundry because at our apartment complex the laundry costs $3.00 and we don’t have money to spare and that’s expensive for laundry. I was looking for loose change around the house and I looked in my parents room and opened a drawer and found a safety pin. For those who don’t know, I used to cut with safety pins, so finding one was interesting. I wanted to take it, but I put it back in the drawer and closed it and walked away. Then I saw that my parents got a new scale, one that is glass and fancy and I was curious if it worked so I put some pressure down and it did. Part of me knew I shouldn’t get on the scale but I did anyways, and when I saw the number I didn’t get freaked out. It seemed to have no affect on me. I used to be controlled by that number. Now, my thought process is, “Oh that’s not bad, that’s normal.” I’ve never been able to think that before. Back when I was in my anorexia the number I saw today would have been horrifying, but I’ve been higher than the number I was today when I was in treatment, but today the number was nothing to me. So I am proud of myself for not defining myself by a stupid number. I define myself by my personality and my interests.

XOXO Anna

LARP and Recovery

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Cody went to LARP this morning. We had a really nice night last night, but we didn’t end up going to Michael’s art exhibition. I was too tired. But I might see Michael at the end of the month.

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This weekend I have tons of homework to do. But I also wanna do some personal homework. I want to actually write out the exercises from Life Without Ed. It’s truly made a difference. I do feel a slight separation from Ed. I am not my eating disorder and I’ve known that but never felt it, and now I feel it. It’s a wonderful feeling. I feel a sense of freedom.

XOXO Anna

Life Without Ed

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So I am doing a lot better than I was in my other post from the other day. My anorexic attack the other day was so strong and it lasted a lot longer than most do these days. So I ended up buying two eating disorder books. One written by a mother about her son’s anorexia, and the other which is a well known book in the eating disorder community, Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer.

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I’ve only read chapter one and I have made a lot of notes. I’ve had insights already and honestly viewing my eating disorder as an abusive relationship has helped. Cody even was saying a couple nights ago that I am cheating on him with my eating disorder. Cody is the only person who understood that. In other relationships I had felt like I was cheating on my boyfriend with my eating disorder because I was giving all my attention to my disorder and not the person I was with at the time.

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But honestly if you’re in recovery please pick this book up. I wish I’d read this much earlier. But I’m reading it now and it is helping a lot.

XOXO Anna

Anorexia is Kicking My Ass and Will be the Death of Me

Note: this post will most likely be written by my anorexic thoughts dominating over my logic.

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Right now Anorexia is winning. Last night Anorexia was winning too.I went to Marshalls while the girl I babysit was at swim practice. I tried on clothes, and I found black shorts that fit. Maybe it was the mirror but I hated myself. I hated my looks. I couldn’t stand looking at my reflection.

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At the moment I am thinking I am really fat. The logic part of my mind knows I’m not, but I’m not tone. That bothers me. I am not skinny mini model pretty. I want to be skinny again. I want to be attractive. I feel so gross. I feel like I shouldn’t eat for two weeks. If I even do eat I feel like it should be only a chicken caesar salad, or broccoli, or string beans, or an apple, or a banana. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel so down I wanna …either cut or well you know..die, but I am not stupid I wouldn’t commit suicide. Though if I did get to a certain weight I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to cope. I just wanna be sexy or hot. Which I guess I’m not. Ethan never described me as that, though Spencer told me that Hot was a demeaning term and I should be thankful Ethan described me as beautiful and attractive.

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I just never had that hot look and I guess that bothers me because I do struggle with the fact that I am not merely a sexual object for a guy and I am actually a person. I should know I’m worth more than just my looks but I guess I’m scared that without my looks I wouldn’t be loved. Or I would thus be unlovable. I know, irrational, but this is the way my anorexic mind thinks. Right now my anorexic mind is killing me. I even pulled out my Anorexic journal last night to remind myself of how to starve myself. There were some things in there that my logic brain was shocked to read, but my anorexic mind was sinking its claws into it, not letting go. All I can think about is how I am not good enough compared to other girls. I am torturing myself. I am in my own personal hell. A prisoner of my own twisted and warped mind. I wouldn’t wish Anorexia on my worst enemy. It’s a real killer.

XOXO Anna

Cheating and an Ignorant Teacher

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I found out that one of Cody’s friends, well his girlfriend cheated on him. Cody and I are very sad to hear that. We love both of them, and Cody’s friend told us not to treat her any differently. It just makes me sad because she is one of the only girls I get along with, so it hurts to hear that she would do something so low. I just wish she were more mature and had told her boyfriend that things weren’t working, or exactly what the issues were to see if maybe he could change things. This is why I say communication is key.

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*Trigger Warning for those with Eating Disorders*

Today I had abnormal psychology. My teacher…holy hell, I just got done venting to Cody, but my teacher is not cool. Today we studied Eating Disorders. Do you know how he started the class? He said, “At the end of class I want your opinions on whether or not you think this chapter should be taught.”

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As someone with anorexia that was extremely insensitive to hear. So, just because Eating Disorders are relatively a new diagnosis they should just be skipped over? I don’t think so. Then he proceeds to his slides on anorexia. First things first, he teaches us that anorexia’s key feature is extreme weight loss. That is true, but he made it seem like anorexics are all lanky skeletons that have wasted away and that is what anorexics all look like. They all have to be extremely underweight. He made it seem like if they weren’t under the BMI then they weren’t “officially” anorexics. I am sorry but I am 5′ 2 3/4″ and my lowest weight when I was in the worst of my disorder at age 18 was 110 lbs. I wasn’t a skeleton but I was sick. At an earlier age in high school I was 106 lbs. So weight is not the defining factor. Just because I am not extremely underweight, it doesn’t mean I’m not anorexic.

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Then he when talking about the subtypes of anorexics, which are restrictive and purging, he mentioned that purging was vomiting and over exercise. He neglected that laxatives and diuretics were also methods used. For me and my own anorexia, I would restrict, over exercise, and “purge” by using either laxatives or drinking excessive amounts of coffee as a form of laxative. That pissed me off.

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Then he has this BMI chart that shows what is considered underweight, normal, and overweight. I would have to weigh 100 lbs to be “underweight” which to me I know is underweight, but I would consider myself underweight if I weighed 110 lbs. I think anything below 115 lbs for me is not a healthy thing. So the chart was off and a student even said to the teacher that the chart does not consider one’s body type and physique. He admitted it was true, so he gets points for that.

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Then the percentage of suicide rates from anorexia seemed off. I can’t fully blame him, but anorexia is one of the deadliest psychological disorders because suicide is a issue. If you’ve read my blog you know I’ve had suicidal thoughts, and have come close to attempts. Anorexia is a huge component as to why I would want to end it all, it’s because I perceive myself as not pretty enough or skinny enough or good enough. The death records say suicide is cause of death, and they don’t say that anorexia is, so that is why the numbers are off, which he should have made aware. But he didn’t. I just feel like he didn’t completely get eating disorders.

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He also talked about anorexics and the fact that it’s not that they don’t still want to eat, it’s that they refuse. He didn’t make aware that hunger cues go away after an amount of time. Like I was telling Cody after class that I couldn’t feel whether I was hungry or not and wasn’t sure if I should eat, which I should. My teacher made it sound like anorexics still feel hunger, when in reality once you’ve had the disorder and restricted for a certain amount of time, your hunger cues are lost. That is why I could go two days without realizing I was hungry- because I didn’t feel it at all. I can still go a whole day forgetting to eat just because I honestly don’t feel the hunger cues. Half the time someone has to remind me. Only recently has my stomach begun to growl again on occasion, which I see as an improvement. I can’t tell you how many months it’s been since I’ve heard my stomach growl. Cody’s growls all the time, hence why we go eat. So my teacher messed that up too.

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Then talking about bulimia and binge eating disorders, he was alright with. Still messed some things up, but not as bad as the way he made the class perceive anorexia. I literally ranted to Cody for at least 20 minutes because I was so angry. I hated that be taught the class incorrectly on some key facts to each disorder.

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But yeah… It was annoying.It was also a very triggering class. I am having tea right now and I have a chocolate croissant…and I am finding it extremely difficult to even try to take a bite of it.

XOXO Anna

 

I Hate Emotions

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Emotions are killing me right now. I feel like I’ve been hyper-sensitive. I probably have been. I sent Cody these two articles, 5 Ways to Be an Ally to Your Partner’s Eating Disorder Recovery (And Avoid Triggering Them) and Anorexia Nearly Killed My Wife, and that was on saturday…he still hasn’t read them and he is only reading them today because I am asking…again.

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Also Cody and I made a lot of progress two days ago when we were arguing, which has been the norm lately. We realized that I have been shutting him out and he hasn’t felt as close. It’s true that I went into “take care of yourself mode”. It happened after the porn incident.

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I usually go into that mode only after I’ve been hurt or betrayed by someone who was extremely important to me. For example, after Eric left me, I didn’t ask anyone for help, even when I was suicidal except for India-but she is my sister, so that’s different. It’s always been the pattern in my life that after someone leaves, or betrays me, I never go back to relying on them for anything. I tried to do that with Ethan, but he told me I couldn’t rely on him anymore, so I decided that I wouldn’t do that.

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Cody wants me to talk to him and for me to let him know what’s going on with me. He wants me to open up to him again, and trust him and all that. So since he has asked, that is what I’ve been doing. It’s been hard…like really hard at times, and easy at other times. But today it was hard. I did ask for him to read the articles and I was very hurt that he didn’t. He acknowledged that he said he would read the articles but didn’t and that he was sorry. That makes me feel better because at least he acknowledged that he did break his word- hence me not being able to really trust what he says he is going to do.

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But we are making progress. I am scared to do the whole rely on Cody again and open up, but I am doing it. I am letting him know if something comes up or if he says or does something that rubs me the wrong way. I feel bad though because I don’t want to hurt Cody when I tell him that something he did (or didn’t do) upset me. But the whole letting him in and being honest thing is better. I feel better. I feel like I am getting heard. I also at the same time sometimes feel selfish for expressing my opinions or something because I don’t know, was it selfish of me to want him- or expect him- to read those articles without me badgering him? I don’t know.

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Sometimes I don’t know what I’m allowed to ask for. Not that I’m not allowed, to that Cody makes me feel like that…it’s just that old people in my life made me feel like I was selfish if I asked for stuff I wanted, or if I expressed me thoughts or opinions that they were irrelevant or stupid. I still am working on myself and working on getting comfortable with standing up for myself and what I want and need from a person, and also balance that with their wants and needs.

XOXO Anna

Sex and Anorexia

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When we are younger we grow up thinking sex is something amazing, flawless, and something you do only when you love the person. At least that’s how I was introduced to sex. Sex seemed like this special thing that happened once you were mature enough to experience it. The way society portrays sex in movies or in TV shows further pushed that message. In the movies, there are two attractive people, and the experience is perfect and amazing. In reality sex is not always so smooth. What society fails to portray is that sex can be awkward. It can be funny, it can be intimate, it can be embarrassing, it can be scary, it can be violent, and so on.

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Sex for me was awkward and pleasurable for the most part before the rapes. Sex then turned into something scary. I was terrified by intimacy and never wanted it. Anorexia also built up a wall between intimacy. I remember every time I was doing anything sexual with Ethan I was so self-conscious about my body that I couldn’t really enjoy whatever we were doing. With other guys, like one night hookups, it wasn’t as much as a problem-mainly because I was intoxicated to some degree I couldn’t be bothered to think about that. With Eric sex was intimate at times, which was new for me. It was scary.

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Sex with Cody these past eight months has been amazing. There have obviously been the ups and downs. The times were it ended because of my flashbacks, or times I would start crying in the middle of it. But besides those times, sex was something that was intimate most of the time, which I had never had. Anorexia has sometimes gotten in the way. This past week it has gotten in the way. I have been super self-conscious of my body, like insanely so that the anorexic voice in my head has been beating me all week. I’ve definitely restricted this week.

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Last night sex sucked not because Cody isn’t great at sex, but because I was so disgusted with myself and how I looked that I couldn’t get into it, thus not feeling anything. Today we had sex and I started crying a bit, and then we talked and later had amazing sex. But that amazing sex we had…I was damn exhausted. After we were done and went to clean off, I was dizzy. I still am. I’ve been doing my sociology homework, kind of. I should do my police work but I don’t know if I have the mental energy to concentrate on that podcast. Also we are going to see a movie later, so I have to get my work done now.

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I just want to sleep. But I can’t. My memory sucks right now, I’m exhausted beyond belief, my moods are everywhere, and all the other stupid anorexia stuff slowly is coming back. Anorexia is a killer.

XOXO Anna

Instagram

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I hate Instagram. I mean, I love it, but I also hate it. So if you’ve read old posts you will know about Cody and the porn thing. Instagram has tons of porn accounts. The other week it got too much so he disabled the app for a week, and it really helped. This week he has had it back, and I am driving myself crazy. I am so worried about it and it’s exhausting. I am trusting him more and more, but still I am not at the point where I feel like I can fully trust him. I hate this royally. Cody has been all excited having Instagram back and posting and being all proud of getting 20 likes and such. I feel bad that I am having such a hard time with it. We agreed it if got too much he would disable the app but I don’t want to ask him to do that again. Plus he wants me in one of his posts for his car account. We both have two accounts. He has a personal and a car account. I am just so tired of worrying. I feel like it’s pointless and I guess whatever happens will happen; but I am not the kind of person who can just be okay and then later down the line lets say I see something and then wish I’d been checking all along. So yeah. I just am really mad that I don’t trust Cody fully but I am mad that Cody gave me a reason not to trust him in the first place. I am at a loss as to how to handle this.

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My anorexia was crazy yesterday and today I am okay…but Instagram…I feel bleh. Instagram makes me feel not good enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough. How can one compare to those “fake” porn girls? And I know, the porn thing with Cody had nothing to do with me. But my anorexic mind just feeds on that and warps it into me thinking Cody wants someone else -which is not true at all. So I hate the anorexia latching onto Cody’s mistake. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle this. I know trust takes time, and it takes giving the person chances to earn back trust, but that is damn hard. I just wish things could go back to before Cody and the porn…though it was always there I guess. Maybe I wish I could go back to the time I thought of Cody as someone who wouldn’t do something that would hurt me so deeply. I don’t know…now I am rambling.

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Lately though Cody has proven to be trustworthy. I guess. He hasn’t done anything really, so yeah. I just am wondering when the day will come around where I don’t have to worry about all this bullshit; the day where I will trust Cody fully and completely and none of this stupid shit will get to me.

XOXO Anna

School and Anorexia

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I am loving my classes, especially my police class. I was really bummed when I couldn’t go to sociology on Friday because there was too much snow. The roads were dangerous, and I emailed my professor so I hope he understands why. Also Tuesday is a Friday schedule, so I have sociology on Tuesday so I’ll be able to talk to him tomorrow and hope he understands why I was absent.

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Eating has been rough though. Past couple days have been terrible with food. Only this morning did I realize it had to do with Cody and the porn thing that happened a couple weeks ago. I guess I didn’t realize how much it was bothering me until I started restricting again. I talked to Cody this morning and that helped a lot. I feel better. In fact, I am at the dinner right now getting a late breakfast. I forgot how exhausting it is to have no energy. Also Cody got a hair cut, and he looks SO different. I actually had a panic attack because I felt like I couldn’t recognize him. But he does look really handsome with shorter hair. He looks very Irish, which is totally sexy.

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I’ve got laundry and homework to do today…aren’t Mondays fun? Hope everyone is having a good Monday though!

XOXO Anna

Who Knew an Apple Could Fix It

Last night I wanted an apple because Cody and I were too tired to cook by the time he got home from Parkour. He mentioned he was going to snack on an apple and I said that I wanted one too and he changed his mind about the apple after. I told him he didn’t need to cut me up an apple. With my anorexic ways, I guess I eat apples differently. I like them cut up with no skin on them.

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Cody took out the apple and started searching for a knife to peel the skin off. I told him he really didn’t have to and that I could find something else. In my mind I didn’t want to burden him with it. I know my mom always got really annoyed when I ate apples because she didn’t like peeling them and all. So Cody found the knife and started peeling. He said he would eat the skin and peeled the whole apple and then cut it for me. He asked me if I liked them in smaller pieces and I said yes, so he cut them smaller.

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For some reason that showed me that he loved me and cared about me. It was as if I suddenly felt loved again. With what Cody did, it felt very unloving. I figured out a lot yesterday because I wrote my feelings down. I realized that what I needed from Cody was to have him show me that he does love and care about me. He had no idea that cutting the apple would have such an impact. I told him afterwards and he was shocked. Hell, I was shocked. Suddenly that seemed to fix a lot. It really made me feel loved because he took care of me. He didn’t think of it as a burden, he just wanted me to eat. It meant a lot to me that he would do that. Maybe it means so much because I know my mom would get annoyed with me asking that. But no matter the reason, the point is I feel loved again. I feel like he respects me and that he does care.

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Things are looking up for us, and hopefully with therapy later today it will just keep getting better.

XOXO Anna

Best Way To Wake Up

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This morning Cody got up at a decent time. I didn’t even have to nag him to get up. He comes back upstairs after he ate breakfast and we have a really nice talk. It started with me asking if he was really sure about me. He said yes. Then we just started talking about things that we liked about each other and how happy we made each other. Plus the kissing in between was nice. And we were playful too, and I love that about us.

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Really what got me thinking about this stuff was seeing Serena yesterday. She told me she was scrolling through Facebook and she said she commented on a picture of us to her boyfriend and said, “I bet they’re going to get married.”

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When she said that, I was like, “well…Cody did say he wanted to get me a ring when he can afford one, which would be at least six months minimum.” She was happy to hear that and told me that she wanted to be a bridesmaid. I told her of course she was going to be one. Hell it was her and one of Cody’s friends that introduced us. Without them we would have never met. But Serena was like, “The engagement better be long.” I told her if we got engaged within the next year we wouldn’t get married until we graduate college, so that’s three years from now, and she was happy with that answer.

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She realized that she wants to finally breakup with her boyfriend. There have been so many times where she will be like, “I want to break up with him” and then she never does it, but she is doing it this time. She finally realized she deserves better. Hell her boyfriend is an ass. He manipulates her into sex. She was working two jobs and had finals a couple weeks ago and she was exhausted and stressed so much that she was puking one morning at 4 AM and then the next morning her boyfriend asks her to have sex. She told him she was sick, and he said, “Oh you should go get some alkaseltzer.” He didn’t offer to get it for her and he pressured her for sex. She told me she has only had sex with him because he nags her for it. I honestly told her a while ago I wasn’t a fan of him and it was wrong of him to be constantly asking for sex when she said she doesn’t want to. I am just happy that she finally got to the place where she was ready to accept that they aren’t good for each other even if she loves him.

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But this morning was nice. I talked to Cody about the future and future possible things that could come up that could cause tension and I wanted to make sure he was thinking seriously and not totally romantically when he says he wants to be with me forever. He told me in response, “Anna, we’ve already been through a hard time.”

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He was referring to my sister and that situation. It’s true though. Cody and I have been through a really hard time, and during the beginning half of our relationship. We made it through that pretty damn well I would say. But it’s true, he has been there during my PTSD and anorexia. He was there when my family was falling a part. We’ve already been through a lot and we’ve managed to stay strong. I am confident in us.

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The one thing that I told Cody was that I am uncomfortable being comfortable. I am more comfortable when I am in pain or just in discomfort. Like, if I’m in discomfort something already isn’t going right so maybe somehow that would mean that something else can’t go wrong. I know irrational, but I guess it was the way I coped growing up. Trying to control the uncontrolable. I am not used to being happy and comfortable and for once in my life I have been since I’ve met Cody. I told him I’m still not used to it. He said I would eventually get used to it. It’s just very strange for me to have things going right. With Cody in my life, things have been going right. The only thing that I worry about sometimes is losing what I have with Cody. I truly can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t imagine us breaking up. Just thinking about it hurts. But I have met the guy of my dreams. Seriously, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be with Cody.

XOXO Anna

 

 

Damn Anorexia and PTSD

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Yesterday was an anorexic day. By that I mean that I was constantly plagued with thoughts of my body and comparing it and not wanting to eat. Then to finish the night off when Cody and I were having sex, I was on top and suddenly I was in a flashback. Cody got me grounded within 30 seconds of me starting to freak out, but it was scary. I haven’t had a flashback like that in ages! I mean, last nights sex, I could tell I was a bit dissociated, but then suddenly I felt like I wasn’t with Cody and I was with Owen or Monster or something. I got really scared until Cody got me to realize I was with him.

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Today has been better though. I haven’t had too much anorexic thoughts annoying me, and PTSD wise I haven’t had anything come up. Plus I am focusing on my writing right now and that keeps me pretty grounded and happy.

XOXO Anna

Betraying Trust

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I probably should have posted about this when it happened. I guess I thought I didn’t need to write about it to process it but I was wrong. I posted about how Cody and I had a bit of a fight but I never wrote what really happened. Well, now I am going to write about it. I need to so I can process my emotions.

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If you’ve read my blog you will know that I struggle with anorexia. That doesn’t just include thinking I don’t have a good body, it also includes being majorly threatened by other girls. I have really disliked having girlfriends since I was six years old. That is because of Skyler, a girl friend of mine who was basically the definition of Mean Girls. I felt like I lived that movie. She told me that no guy would like me unless it was for my body. I really internalized that message growing up. I also learned from a very early age that, or was taught to think that, guys want sex. That’s all they want.

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Now that you know that about me, I will proceed. Cody, his dad, sister, brother, uncle, grandfather, and grandmother and me were all sitting down to dinner in this Chinese restaurant. Cody pulled out his phone and was about to search something. I saw porn on his history. I know that to maybe most girls that’s fine. To me it tore me apart. See, Cody knows about my body image issues, plus he knows about my ex who was addicted to porn. We agreed early in the relationship he wouldn’t look at porn.

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So seeing that on his phone, I felt utterly and completely devastated and betrayed. Cody took me outside and we kinda fought. I told him I couldn’t handle it. Cody said that because he was staying at his house and living his old life, he did it out of habit. For him it would be a habit, probably one that’s hard to break, because he used to get off twice a day with porn before he met me for about 14 years. So yeah it’s a bad habit. He didn’t watch it though. He just typed it into his phone, and then realized that he would be hurting me and exited the page. So yay for that. But I just feel…well not good enough.

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Cody has explained that him doing that has nothing to do with me. My anorexia sunk it’s teeth into this one and has it’s jaw locked though. I have been eating though…but every time I think about it I feel not good enough. I know the irrationality there. Cody promised me that he would never do it again. I want to trust him. But I feel like some trust has been broken.

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To me him doing that meant I wasn’t good enough. Or that he wants something/someone else. Of course Cody has already told me that’s not the case. I can’t help that I feel that way though. I am hurting. I don’t know how to get over it. I know it was a reflex to an old habit… but the fact that he had the urge to do that hurt. My anorexia really locked onto this. That anorexic voice in my head is killing me.

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How does one move past a betrayal of trust, big or small? I’ve never been in a long-term healthy relationship. This is my first. I know relationships go through ups and downs. Cody offered to give me his phone while I will be at my house tonight, that way I would know he wouldn’t be betraying my trust. I took the first step in trusting him though. I said he could keep his phone and that I am trying to trust him again by letting him have it.

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So yeah. Is that how you get trust back? By slowly giving them chances to prove themselves to you? I love Cody beyond comprehension, and I thought he wouldn’t do something to hurt me like that. I guess I am just in shock too. Cody always was this guy who, yes had his flaws, but wouldn’t do anything that would hurt me. He is human though. People hurt people.

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After Monster, I made a three strikes rule. Three strikes and you’re out. Three makes a pattern. With Cody if he were to hit strike three, I honestly don’t think I would walk away. I couldn’t. I mean, this porn thing was his second offense. Early in the relationship I found a pic of a naked girl on his phone. He also at that time knew that would hurt me, but again, it’s a bad habit. So with that and the porn thing, it just made me feel insecure.

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I wrote in a past post about consistency. Consistency is key with me. Especially after going through a string of abusive relationships. I’ve described myself as an abused dog in a shelter before. See, Cody has given me consistency with his word and the fact that he is trustworthy. But since this was not consistent with his behavior it has shaken me. I guess once he is consistent again I’ll trust again.

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Also Cody and I leave for GA this sunday! I am excited about that. He will get to meet all my friends and I’ll show him all of the places I would hang out. I’ve missed GA so much! Super excited to be going back for a week as a birthday present from my parents!

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But any comments with advice would be greatly appreciated. Again, first real, serious, longterm, healthy relationship. Kinda clueless at times about all this. Thanks for reading.

XOXO Anna