I have found it increasingly difficult to accept that my body is changing. I have struggled with anorexia for too many years, and now that I am pregnant, I am terrified about my body. I know I’ve gained weight and it’s probably just water retention or baby getting bigger or my boobs getting bigger and I know that I have to gain weight to have a successful pregnancy. But until there is a baby bump, I just feel fat. I don’t like these changes but know that it’s all for baby to be healthy.
It’s hard eating when you get nauseous at your favorite foods, especially when you’re already a picky eater. I just feel like I’m failing to eat enough due to food aversions and nausea and I feel terrible about it. Part of me doesn’t like the not eating because it reminds me of the days I used to restrict food.
I really want to have a healthy baby, and I know that eating right is part of that. I just hope that I can get enough food in for baby and me to be healthy.
Cody chose to go to SAA and today he told me about a link he clicked on because it was under the shopify forum about the code or something and Cody thought it would help him, and it ended up being a bikini bathing suit site and he told me about it and clicked off of it. It brought up a lot of feelings for me. I have anxiety at the moment and I feel like I’m having an emotional flashback to when I found out about his porn addiction. I haven’t really cried but some tears escaped which shocked me but I’m trying to not let the anxiety get to me…
Last night Cody and I hung out with some of his friends and then we came back home and had the most amazing sex. Cody has told me many times through out our relationship that I am sometimes too much for him to handle sexually because he is so pleasured. I always thought he was just being nice because I didn’t really get the idea of being pleasured so much that you actually couldn’t take it…that was until last night. I now understand why he says that.
I was so happy to not have any PTSD thing come up last night. We had the best time and I honestly thought sex with Cody couldn’t get better but it just keeps getting better. It’s been seven months of having amazing sex, having an amazingly supportive partner, and finally realizing what a healthy relationship is.
I can tell you that before Cody I did not have a healthy sex life at all with any of the past guys. I didn’t realize that I had it so bad until I met Cody. I never really realized how much guys manipulated or guilted me into doing things for them. I just thought, “Well, that’s how guys are, and that’s how it is.” But Cody never pressures me and he always says I can say no. He respects when I say no, and he listens if I say I want to have sex but to take it slowly because I don’t want to get triggered.
Cody works for my parents, and they had an Atlanta show last week, and this week they have their Dallas show, and next week they have their New York show. I didn’t realize they had the Dallas show this week. I’ve always had separation anxiety from my parents when they are traveling. I was really shocked to find out that my mom wasn’t coming home last night, and that my dad was leaving this morning for Dallas. I mean, it’s nice that Cody and I have the house to ourselves, but I miss my parents when they’re gone.
I called my mom this morning after my dad left because I could feel myself starting to panic and she talked me down. I told her all about how my PTSD had been acting up and how having them gone was hard. It helped though to talk to her. I know I have my issues with my mom, but one thing she is good at is getting me to calm down. It also helped that Cody went out to breakfast with me. I am having a pretty good start to the week, excluding the anxiety.
Hope everyone else is having a good monday!
So my parents are about to leave for their show, which means me and my sister will be alone while they’re gone. That means having to take care of our old dog, who we are scared will possibly die while they’re gone, and just making sure the house stays clean.
I hate it when people I love fly. I get scared. I get separation anxiety. It sucks. I always, when I know a loved one is flying, demand to know when they land to make sure they are safe. I hope that my parents show goes well! I really love what my moms designed.
Also while they’re gone I’ll be applying to the school in NYC and I’ll have to decide whether I want to do full time or part time. If I do part time then I get to work for my parents and learn the family business which I do want to know. I just have a hard time figuring out which passions I should follow. I also should be hearing back from Renfrew to know when I start. I am not used to things not being planned or set in stone. I am trying to just go with the flow but that’s not always natural for me.
I pray my parents have a safe flight to the show and when they come back!
I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and suddenly I felt a pain below my chest on the left side and it hurt to breathe in. I used to get these like three years ago back when I first was heading off to college. I stopped getting them after my freshman year. I haven’t had these in like two and a half years.
I only get them at night though. I usually am trying to fall asleep or am asleep and will wake because it hurts to breathe in. I remember getting one during the day only once. And now, it’s 3 in the afternoon and I just got a panic attack. This was really scary because I haven’t gotten them in a while. I mean, a week or so ago I was sleeping with Cody and he was cuddling with me and it reminded me of Owen after he raped me and so I freaked and got the same chest pain I got now only less severe.
Today’s was strong. I can’t really move my body because the pain in my chest will get worse so I have to stay still and try to breathe calmly until the pain goes away. Luckily my mom was near and she came in and helped me cam down. She said she thinks it’s partly anxiety over Cody and anxiety over leaving for school in the fall and going to Florida and starting over. She has said it before, but she said it again that I am more than welcome to stay home and work for her and see if I can go to school part time around here.
I remember the first time I wanted to transfer but chickened out. The top school I wanted to go to was an hour train ride from here and is one of the best criminal justice schools. But I hate the snow… but honestly if I keep getting panic attacks like this and can’t eat, and am not doing well by the end of the summer then maybe I should really think about taking it easy and doing what my mom suggested.
There really is so much anxiety about Florida. On the one hand I really love the classes that are available. On the other hand I feel like I’m not going to fit in socially. Plus its a new place with new people and I know nothing about anything around there. I have no safe people. It’s just all new.
If I were to stay here and work for my mom and somehow do part time school at least I would have people I love around here and know I’m safe. I just…I just figured I had to stay on track. By that, I mean, taking no time off school and heading to a new school and just putting my nose to the grind stone and finish up school and then get a job. No breaks. But my mom is offering me a chance to learn the family business and still go to school and pursue what I like.
I now have a lot of thinking to do about this. Probably won’t make a decision for a while. It’s just a lot to think about and take in.
So I had my outpatient group last night like I do every wednesday evening. I went in feeling not so great about my body image and since we went out to eat Pizza I left feeling pretty shitty about the way I looked.
Of course I woke up this morning and looked at my reflection and thought That’s better, but not perfect and it was stupid. I mean, no duh my stomach wasn’t going to feel okay right after I ate a pretty big meal- at least it was big for me. I still have to go through that period where I get used to eating a normal amount again, so I will be a bit bloated as I go through that process.
But because that makes me feel like I don’t look good, it makes me feel like I want to isolate and not let anyone see me- unless I look perfect. See the irrationality there? Not everyone looks perfect 24/7! I know that, I do, but it’s tough when an inner voice tells you you don’t look good and no guy would like you because you’re not skinny enough.
God the irrational voice of ED sucks. But still powering through it as best I can. I couldn’t get myself to eat a “real” breakfast so I ensured it. (For those who don’t know what Ensure is, it’s a nutrition shake that you have to drink if you can’t finish or don’t eat your meal.)
I also might go to another punk concert tonight, so I want to be able to feel confident in whatever I wear, so that is also making me nervous about eating a normal amount today…Though I might not go if none of my friends are going.
I am actually meeting one of the girls in group for lunch today, so that should go well. When I was in treatment my therapist said that lunch was key to my recovery, since I so easily could skip it. So I am trying to find a lunch buddy.
Also wanting to get back into exercise which is scary as shit! I used to be one of those who went quite overboard with exercising and also not eating and all that…so for me getting back into exercising is scary. I don’t want to get addicted again. I also have terrible anxiety about going to the gym. So I am also looking for a work out buddy who will make sure I stop after 30 minutes when I first start and then stop me after an hour once I can do 30 minutes without begging to do more.
Just trying to stay healthy and balance everything.