Christmas, Finances, and Marriage

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I don’t know about any of you, but honestly, this Christmas has pretty much hit us hard. We are going to have to recover from our spending. I know that we want to get everyone things they really love, but sometimes those things are out of our price range. I know that we still haven’t gotten my parents or his parents and siblings gifts. I hope that us bringing something like food or maybe a homemade gift will be okay because we just don’t have the money to spend.

I got Cody some stuff, we both got Baby A some stuff, Cody got me something, and yeah. The holidays are really hard, not only because of potential family stress but financially they are really hard on families with low income. Or, well, in our situation our families are financially comfortable, whereas we are financially scraping by. I guess it just sucks that there is a huge gap between where we are and where our parents are financially. It’s to be expected with this economy and having a kid so young, but it still really sucks.

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I hope that our presence and maybe us bringing food or stockings will be sufficient. I’ve never been in a situation like this where our finances were so tight that it was suffocatingly tight. I am really good and smart with money and Cody … isn’t. But I think he is trying to get better with money. Money has been one of those contention points for us. I am all about Delayed Gratification and Cody is very Instant Gratification. Cody wants his coffee, now. I am fine to just use a Keurig cup and not go out to get The Best coffee. That is just one example, but we have tried to come to compromises. So far we are still trying to figure it out…

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Sadly Cody doesn’t always have the best attitude about the money stuff. And I get it, it’s VERY stressful. But we are parents, which means money goes to Baby A first and foremost, and then survival needs, and anything extra we can put away into savings or something. I think Cody is finally getting on board that he will have to give up some little luxuries so we can save and get by. Plus we want to save to get our own place… that isn’t going to happen if we never put money into savings.

I am hoping after the holidays/New Year that we can actually start saving more, and we can really come up with a solid game plan about finances that makes both of us happy.

Anyone got any great financial/budgeting advice?

XOXO Anna

 

Soccer, in the Basement, with a Tennis Ball

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So Cody had a brilliant idea of playing soccer in the basement with a tennis ball and empty diaper boxes as goals last week. Tonight we ended up playing again. Baby A absolutely loves it when we play. He gets so excited and follows whoever is running. Parenting can be really fun. Family moments like these are the best. We don’t always get time to just relax and have fun.

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Mainly we are living “real life” with real-life responsibilities and such. We don’t make enough time for fun. Honestly, I hope we do this at least once a week. With how competitive Cody and I are with each other it really does make for a great night together. Cody ended up winning, which was a shock. He couldn’t aim at all, and his shots were way off base at least 70% of the time. I was on the floor dying of laughter at points. It’s been a while since I’ve laughed like that.

What are some fun things you do with your significant other?

XOXO Anna

What is the Disconnect???

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Obviously Undiscovered and Exposed has been around for a while, since 2014 actually, which to me, is crazy to think about! My other company/site has been around technically since August 2017 but I moved it to my own domain in Jan 2018.

On here I have 4x the amount of people following me, and I get more responses, likes, comments, etc. on here… so I wonder, what is the disconnect?

Am I just better at being anonymous? haha …Or, is it that because it’s anonymous I don’t hold back on here and I am less professional with my writing? Is it because it’s journal-style rather than educational? Or, is it because this entire blog here is a story, and it’s fun to follow a story and see where the story goes?

I guess I am just wondering how I can bring a little Anonymous Anna to my company… Maybe I’ll write a post from the perspective of Anonymous Anna and see how that goes.

I am not sure what to think though about that…but I’ll try it!

But I have to say, it’s nice to be back, here. I think I needed space to think, to get clarity without sharing everyone in an online blog. I definitely have clarity and a direction now. I know where I am going, my goals, and have learned so much in just one year.

I definitely want to write about what I’ve learned from being the partner of a porn addict, about porn addiction, betrayal trauma, and obviously about the first year of marriage with a kid as well. Those will be separate posts.

Anyways, I hope you all are doing well, and I appreciate the likes yesterday. I didn’t actually know if anyone would even remember this blog or me.

XOXO Anna

Been MIA… Might Be Back.

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That’s Us…Now.

Hey guys, so it’s been a hell of a long time since I’ve posted. Lots has happened, changed, and progressed. I checked back in here a couple weeks ago, shocked to find that people still come to this site and are reading.

I stepped away from this for various reasons. I have a kid, Baby A. I am finishing school (only classes away from graduation!!). I have an internship. I also started a business. Plus, marriage and all the ups and downs. It’s been crazy, to be honest.

After getting married and having Baby A, I honestly… was overwhelmed. Let’s just say childbirth was extremely traumatic for me. I still can’t watch those hospital shows with women giving birth I get nauseous at the thought of ever becoming pregnant again.

I love Baby A, but it’s a challenge. Being 24 with a baby is a balancing act. Also being married to a recovering porn addict has been a challenge. I can say that Cody is 2.5 years clean today! It’s been a long and amazing journey.

If anyone is interested in knowing more, given the whole anonymity here… you can email me at anonymousannaxo@gmail.com. My business is Relationship Coaching and I have another site. I am super excited. I have some beta clients right now, and they’ve already mentioned how much they like my programs and the benefit they’ve gotten (and they’re only halfway through the program!).

I have to say that it feels strange being back here. I have come so far. I’ve read some of my old content and I am thinking, “No, that was me?!” It’s funny. I have changed so much. More stable, mature, serious. I still can be fun, but with a one-year-old, responsibilities first, am I right?

Anyways, just am back to check-in…maybe I’ll post more. Not sure. But I hope all of you guys are doing well.

XOXO Anna

 

We Are Having A….

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Boy! We found out yesterday, and we couldn’t be more excited! I can tell you that  I was honestly terrified about if we were having a boy or girl. There are different fears that come with each sex. Honestly, my reasons for being scared of having a daughter are because of the things I, and many other women have been through. The over-sexualization of women, the rapes, the body- image issues, and so on. I know men get raped too, and that there are objectification’s of men, but as a woman, I can say that because of my gender it automatically means that it’s dangerous to be me. Just being a woman is scary these days. Growing up, I didn’t know the realities of the world. Once high school hit, I saw them more, and college was a full on wake up call.

I am excited to have a boy for many reasons but one reason is that I want to do my very best to teach him about the issues of today’s societies with gender. There are issues on both sides, and I just want to teach my son to be a gentleman. I know that our culture is one of hook-ups and one-night stands, but I feel society has lost the art of romance. Where is the courtship?

These days it seems our society is sex obsessed. There is so much more to life than sex. What about careers, education, and building a relationship with another person?

I can say that learning about Cody’s porn addiction has been eye opening to me. I never knew that kids as young as 9 could get their hands on porn. Honestly, before Cody, I barely even thought about porn. I honestly thought most guys grew out of watching porn after middle school experimentation and curiosity and would rather have a relationship with a real woman.

I just hope I can instill good morals in our son. I want to teach him respect, kindness, love, courage, honesty, etc. I know all parents want to have their kid be the best and have access to the best. I know that we may not have the best financial situation, so we can’t buy our son endless amounts of toys, or go out every week to a museum, or the movies, but I know between Cody and me we can give our son a loving and safe environment, with lots of knowledge (both street smarts and book smarts). We want to teach our son about science, both the hard science and soft science. Given that I study psychology I hope that our son can be very psychologically intelligent. I know that a lot of people grow up not being fully aware of themselves, their desires, wants, behaviors, but I hope that we can teach our son to be aware.

Society teaches men to repress their feelings and not to cry, but I want to teach my son that crying is okay and more importantly that feelings are okay and welcomed. I want him to be able to say, “I feel X, Y, Z.” I want him to have the best and I hope that Cody and I can give him the very best.

November 17th… I am almost half way through the pregnancy (18.5 weeks) and I just want November to be here. I never knew how excited I would be when becoming a parent, especially at 23 when it wasn’t expected. I know our son isn’t here yet, but I already feel such excitement, and love, and joy at the anticipation of his arrival. I guess it’s true when they say becoming a parent changes things, lots of things and that sometimes you just can’t understand until you’re a parent. I know my parents told me that one day when I was a parent I would understand.

I now understand a lot of their decisions and their intentions. They always wanted the best for me. Always tried to give me the best. For that I am thankful. I hope that I can emulate the things that I think my parents did well with, and hope to improve on the aspects I think they faltered with.

I know I haven’t been on as much as I used to, and I think it’s partly due to how busy my schedule has gotten, but also because these past couple months, I’ve been processing my feelings. I wasn’t sure of my feelings and thoughts about being a parent. But last night, during the ultrasound when I saw our son’s arms moving around inside me, something changed. Maybe it became more real? But something changed and suddenly I am aware of how I feel about this pregnancy, about parenting, about having a son. I feel so blessed to have Cody and to be having our son. Besides my career, I feel like my life is amazing. I am going to have a husband and a son. Both of us will be finishing school and starting our careers, but aside from that things are amazing.

Life is very unexpected and throws so many curve balls. I have to say, I think I’ve managed a lot of the curve balls well -the anorexia, the rapes, transferring school, dealing with a partner with addiction, and this pregnancy. Through all those issues I never gave up and kept persevering. I know being 23 and having a baby is going to be tough, but I know I will persevere.

XOXO Anna

Recovery

Cody and I have been doing very well for the past month. We started couples therapy, EFT specifically and it has been one of the best decisions we’ve made in our recovery as a couple together!

In a couple days, it will be a year of Cody being clean and in recovery. It’s crazy to think a year has gone by since I found out about his addiction, but we have made so much progress, both as individuals and as a couple. Cody even got an A- in Statistics! He hasn’t gotten an A in almost four years! He really has made so many improvements to his work and educational life. I still have plenty of triggers, but some triggers aren’t as bad anymore, and 95% of the time I realize his addiction has nothing to do with me. Only if it’s a day full of triggers do I get those thoughts of not being good enough.

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Cody asked me out on a date for Saturday, which was cute! I can’t wait to go on a date, we haven’t been on a date in about a month or so. So, it will be very nice to just go out, have dinner, talk, and go to the beach where we met almost 2 years ago.

Also, everything is good with the baby. We have an appointment in a week and a half and then near the end of June, we are going to find out the gender!! We can’t wait!

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Overall, it seems like things are going much better these past couple months. I am very happy about the progress and honestly, lately, it seems like we are finding “our love” again. It’s been very nice to hang out with him and just have fun. Back in the first couple months after I found out I couldn’t have fun with him, let alone be alone with him without being in pain. These days I enjoy his company much more. I think it’s because we have been talking a lot with each other, about a variety of subjects, but we’ve talked about the addiction a bit more and I think it’s been helping me process, and be able to move forward more.

XOXO Anna

Becoming a Parent

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I never thought I would be becoming a parent before I turn 24. My mom always had this vision for me. She knocked into my head, school, career, marriage, kids. I am currently close to getting my bachelors, only 9 classes left after I take 2 summer classes. I also want to possibly do volunteer work at a rape crisis center or the center for family justice in my county. Of course, I would have to wait a year or so to do that. Hopefully, I’d be able to do that while getting my Masters in Counseling, though I really have no idea what my life is going to be like at that point.

I am 14 weeks pregnant, and though the changes in my body make me squirm with discomfort on those days I feel insecure, the days I feel excited I see my body as something that protects my unborn child. I can’t wait until I have that ever so popularly known baby belly and can feel the baby kick. I think that will make it “more real” in my head. Not that I don’t think it’s not happening, it’s just there’s no obvious sign I’m pregnant. I’ve been lucky with minimal nausea and no vomiting, and some light cramping that probably is due to the uterus growing. Other than those discomforts and no period, my life hasn’t changed that dramatically.

We did pick out names! Cody and I liked Xander for a boy and Violet for a girl. I can definitely say that I didn’t expect to have a kid so young, mainly because I wanted to be financially secure and in my career beforehand. I am coming to the acceptance that I have to be flexible and rework the plan I had in my head for myself.

I cannot tell you how ridiculously excited I am to actually be a mother. I honestly wasn’t sure when I would feel the excitement but over the past week or so I’ve been having more exciting moments than anxious moments. The thought of seeing my baby and bonding with the baby just makes me smile. I plan to love this kid with all my heart. I only want the best for my kid, and for my kid to have good values, and be a kind person. I know that my kid won’t have all the newest and nicest toys or electronics, but I would hope that the love that Cody and I provide will outweigh the desire for the new things.

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The one thing I am struggling with is giving all the love I can to this child and balancing school. Also if I want to volunteer at a center (it’s only 2 shifts per month) I would have to make sure that Cody, my parents, or a babysitter could look after the child. Is it possible to do it all? Finish a bachelors, start a masters, be a mom, and possibly volunteer, and be a wife? And yes, I caught Cody buying the ring, and also know that he has the ring somewhere hidden in his car.

I know that being a parent means sacrifice and that it means putting your child first. I also know that I want to help people, hence being a counselor and wanting to be a volunteer at a crisis center. I just don’t know how to balance those two things. I also know that I want Cody to not feel like I’m giving the baby all of the attention, I’ve read that some husbands feel neglected when a baby is first in the house because the baby does need a lot of attention. I know Cody and I will work something out.

I guess it’s the perfectionist in me worrying about doing or being it all. I don’t want to let anyone down – Cody, the baby, my parents, or myself- and that’s what I am struggling with.

Any moms want to comment and share how they handled juggling the many demands of life?

XOXO Anna