Body Image and Pregnancy


I have found it increasingly difficult to accept that my body is changing. I have struggled with anorexia for too many years, and now that I am pregnant, I am terrified about my body. I know I’ve gained weight and it’s probably just water retention or baby getting bigger or my boobs getting bigger and I know that I have to gain weight to have a successful pregnancy. But until there is a baby bump, I just feel fat. I don’t like these changes but know that it’s all for baby to be healthy.

It’s hard eating when you get nauseous at your favorite foods, especially when you’re already a picky eater. I just feel like I’m failing to eat enough due to food aversions and nausea and I feel terrible about it. Part of me doesn’t like the not eating because it reminds me of the days I used to restrict food.

I really want to have a healthy baby, and I know that eating right is part of that. I just hope that I can get enough food in for baby and me to be healthy.



Kind Of Used Symptoms…


So if you read my previous post, you’ll know that I have anxiety about the whole bathing suit thing. I went and jogged on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Well, I jogged straight for 10 minutes, which is a huge improvement from two weeks ago. Then the rest of the time I switched between walk breaks and jogging and finished with a sprint. Warning this next sentence could be triggering.

I, in the end, burned 182 calories and ran a total of 1.6 miles. I know I need to get fit. I am not a runner, never was. I hate running actually, but we have a nice treadmill at home and I needed to feel like I had some kind of control over all this bullshit.

I know 182 is like having two bananas, but still I feel good about exercising. I think the fact that Cody and I have been having a lot of sex is what got me to be able to jog for 10 minutes straight. Sex is a good work out itself. But yeah, I went on the treadmill for the wrong reasons, but half way through I just let myself go at my own pace instead of pushing myself too hard.


I kind of feel guilty about exercising, but at the same time I didn’t over do it. I just had the intense urge to exercise so I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself and my body image. I don’t know if I did the wrong thing by exercising… I also know I am not supposed to be counting calories. I am not counting food calories I’ve had, but knowing the amount of calories I’ve burned is also not good. I also want to weigh myself but if I do, I’ll stop eating then and there if the number isn’t what I want. Is it right for me to feel guilty over exercising? Or was it okay because it was a normal amount and I didn’t over do it?


Back On Track!

So last week I totally started restricting. On purpose too. So my family and I talked about going back to treatment. I personally do not want to go back to treatment. I think I can handle getting back on track by myself since I’ve been to treatment twice. So I made a deal with my dad that if I could go two weeks eating normally then I wouldn’t have to go back to treatment, as long as I continued to obviously eat healthy and don’t over do the exercise. I am trying to get in 30 minutes a day of exercise on the treadmill.

So I came up with this plan to write down the meals I would be eating for the week. So far it’s been a good system. I’m going on day three of this system. The main reasons I started this board was because:

  1. I don’t want to go back to treatment
  2. I think I am strong enough to follow the board
  3. One day, when restricting, I went on the treadmill and after only eight minutes I almost puked and passed out which scared me.

I also am trying to have a high protein/veggie/fruit meal plan because in the past I’ve lacked on those foods. As I learned in treatment, “everything is healthy in balance.”


So the picture above is what I’ve eaten and plan to eat for the rest of this weekend. Of course I didn’t write down snacks on the board because I left those “open” so I can feel free to choose whatever I might be in the mood for. Other than that or if something says “open” on the board I follow what I’ve written down. It’s also been helpful because my sister is following the board too, except since she is vegetarian she eats a vegetarian protein option instead of chicken. I am really thankful she is doing this with me because it makes it easier to follow when there’s someone else doing it with you.

Anyways hope you all are having a great weekend! I know I am 🙂



I’ve been struggling with my anorexia a bit for the past couple weeks, and last night I had a really bad night. Terrible body image as of late which makes it a huge struggle to eat…I have been eating but probably not enough. Okay, not even probably, I haven’t been.


I finally got my parents attention and told them how much I was struggling and why.It’s a mix of things. I am struggling because of:


B) Going to florida in the fall where everyone looks perfect 

C) not having a schedule.

So I told my mom that I need to start working on making a schedule that I can stick to. She woke me up at 10 this morning and I feel very tired right now, although I am so glad she woke me up because someone in my dream dumped a bucket of spiders on me. So I am very happy I woke up from that terrible dream 😛

Last time I did EMDR I was in treatment for my anorexia for the first time. That was over a year ago. So I guess I didn’t anticipate how hard the EMDR would be without being in a treatment setting for the eating disorder. Also I want to go to a gym. Don’t freak out on me, I know I have to tread carefully. I am going to go to a gym twice a week and do a specific workout with a trainer, that way I can’t overdo it.


As I’ve stated before, I logically know I am not not pretty, but because in Florida all of the girls and guys are oh so fit and oh so perfect I feel like I can’t even compare. That feeling has definitely led me to restrict a bit. But that stops here. I will do my best to not restrict, have a healthy amount of exercise and keep my mind positive.

My sister will be home next week which means that the eating thing will be easier. I’ll have someone else who’s eating with me. I’ll have someone to go out with, etc.


Beach Body Ready!

So there’s been a lot of talk about this ad from protein world. I’ve read people defending it on Facebook. I personally after reading a lot have my opinion formed. But before I offer my opinion, I will share the opinion of some of my friends on Facebook.

Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 12.05.47 PM

Comments to that post:Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 12First comment was by the person who posted and the second by Ethan.

The picture that the poster put was a cropped image of just the body, not the whole ad, where it says, “Meal replacement.” Because it says meal replacement and supplement in the ad, I personally am against it because I know what it’s like to starve myself to “perfection”. It sucks. Eating disorders and body image issues are terrible, and a lot of people suffer from them. Ad’s like the ones Protein World put out there make it harder for people with those issues. Most people do not have the body type that society “idolizes” and says people “should be.”

I consider myself average. I work hard to accept myself the way I am. If I get “in shape” meaning fit, meaning building muscle, I could achieve a body that I do want. I can honestly say I should exercise and get in shape, not to be an idealized body type, but for my own health. Yes, there’s room for improvement for everyone, but when society throws ads out that portray only one body type, and when ads talk about meal replacement, that’s when it becomes harmful.

Beach Body Ready

What are your opinions on this ad? Do you think it’s harmful? Do you like the ad?


Had a blast last night with friends!


Last night I hung out with a couple of my guy friends. I’ve mentioned two of the three on here. It was Arrow, Richard and another friend. Me and this other friend go to group together so we grabbed lunch after that and then later we headed downtown to meet Arrow and Richard. I got dressed up, makeup and all, and had a blast. Of course, if I hadn’t had guy friends with me I wouldn’t have gone out nor dressed up. But I wanted to dress up. We were going to my favorite place for dinner. It’s a hibachi place and the food is amazing there!

Then today me and the friend that goes to group went to see Kingsman. There was some camera stuff I didn’t like, but as a writer, I liked certain things. There were moments were it seemed a bit childish, but then there were more serious moments. Overall a pretty good film. Definitely entertaining!

Having a great weekend so far! Now time to do homework :/



The First Step

Last night I was contacted by Andy’s old roommate at 11:30 PM who I knew through the parties they had at their place. Andy moved out and is at a new place now. But this guy who we’ll call, Adam, invited me over to watch movies. Now, this guy is open emotionally. It’s very different than what I’m used to. So in the car, he just started asking questions right off the bat, of course I dodged some of them.

When we got back to his place we watched the movie and talked. He kept asking me if I were comfortable and making sure I was okay. I guess he knew I was a bit nervous or tense. We cuddled and watched the movie and talked. He wants to pursue being a professional masseur after he graduates here. He gave me a massage, and he is pretty good. We continued talking and watching the movie.

I told him he had to open up first and we would go in baby steps. We did. He opened up, I revealed my anorexia. Then he opened up again, I revealed my self harm. He opened up. I revealed other things that I haven’t revealed here, nor wish to. We finally got down to the rape. Turns out he knows someone who was raped and all that.

He was very kind to me even though he called himself a player. He is not the normal player or does he define himself by being a player. He says he is honest about his sexuality, which is him not wanting a relationship but being fine with sleeping with people because he is leaving in a year and doesn’t want to get attached to anyone romantically.

He ended up kissing me, which hell I was scared but excited. I don’t like him, but ever since Owen I have been terrified of that first step back into normalcy with a guy. So last night we made out. He respected my boundaries, and he took me home when I asked. I originally felt really guilty after we made out because everyone kept telling me that if I stayed away from guys then all my problems would be solved. As if, keeping away from guys means I can’t get raped or something.

But this morning I don’t feel guilty. I feel unsure. I wasn’t really turned on at all throughout the making out and stuff, and it was because I was constantly on guard, a bit fearful, actually planning out how to defend myself if anything went wrong. I feel stupid, because Adam is pretty nice and did respect every time I said no. I am cynical, jaded, and cautious. I don’t trust Adam. I don’t expect anything from Adam.

I am glad, however, that I got that first step out of the way. Just kissing/making out with a guy. Figure out what it feels like now, and if anything about what I like and don’t like has changed. Because after the sexual assault, things I liked/disliked changed. Same after Monster. Now, I can’t really tell because of how hesitant I was and how I drew the line at making out. But I know that I am more hesitant. I know that I am not ready for any intimacy romantically. But I know that it is possible for a guy to think I’m attractive even though they know I’ve been raped. I know it’s possible for a guy to be respectful of my wishes.

Since Adam is the type to just be casual about his sexuality I think what turned me off most about last night was knowing it meant nothing, it was meaningless, and supposed to just be fun. To me, it wasn’t meaningless in the way that it was the first step. That’s what it meant, the first step to regaining any sexual confidence. So for that I am thankful I got that “first” experience out of the way now so I wouldn’t build it up in my head any more than I did- hence me being so scared and not being able to enjoy anything last night.