Partners Of Porn Addicts

I have redone the look of the forum and I am really glad that we have gotten new members! I hope that anyone who is struggling with porn addiction can give the forum link to their partners, and that any partners of porn addiction join as well. So far everyone on the forum is happy that it’s a safe place for partners.

XOXO Anna

Stressing The Fuck Out and Pissed

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So I am a bit pissed at Cody…We had established understandings about him going LARPing.

  1. The desks and bed frame would be taken apart before he leaves.
  2. He would text me at these intervals (when he gets there, at night, when he wakes up, and when he heads home, and gets home)

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I don’t think those are hard to follow. First off, the deal was that he had to have number 1 done to even go to LARP. It’s my fault though for not pushing him to do it, or well, I don’t know. Then this morning, he didn’t text me. So I texted him saying are you up and he said yup. Pissed as fuck at that. I just have separation anxiety and those simple texts at the intervals listed above keeps my anxiety at bay…though yesterday I did have an anxiety attack and had to talk a calm aid.

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I can’t believe this is weekend one…he has a million more of these LARPing weekends. I hate this. I hate this, I hate this. Breathe.  Sorry, I just don’t want to start crying from the stress. We are moving out TOMORROW. NOTHING is packed. I have to do this all ALONE. You know what, I could simply pack all MY things, and leave Cody to pack his things, and maybe that will teach him something? No. I know that’s petty of me to do, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to do it.

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Also fuck me…I don’t know how well eating is going to go today. Haven’t eaten yet. Planning on chewing gum. Trying not to cry. My god there is so much laundry to do… there is a cat at our house that keeps peeing on them and I want to wash ALL our clothes before we pack them to make sure they are actually clean. Then packing toiletries. I can’t evens start trying to move the bed or the desks because they ARE NOT TAKEN APART. I have to pack all the kitchen stuff.

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I hate moving. Those who know me know it’s stressful as fuck for me and I don’t handle it well. Shit, crying. Fuck. I also have finals to do and I was so anxiety ridden yesterday I couldn’t do anything and fuck I feel like everything is just too much. I hate this. Sorry for being so stressed, I just had to post this to keep me sane and to let me actually try to pack.

XOXO Anna

Social Media is Deceiving

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I love how we post constantly about our lives. We paint the perfect picture for everyone to see. We see the smiles, the hugs, the friends, and the fun. What we don’t see are the tears, the fights, the breakdowns.

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Ethan’s sister and I talked about a week ago about how bad her relationship with her boyfriend is. It is completely unhealthy. It honestly is a bit scary to hear about. Her boyfriend has thrown her mugs and punched walls when she has tried to talk to him in the past about something that wasn’t working in the relationship. They live in two different states. She is paying his rent. He is smoking weed. She has tried to end it, but that then turned into 100 texts and 40 calls later….and she is still with him.

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This topic came up because he posted a picture of them and said how much he loves and misses her and I just got so mad seeing that, and seeing people like that. I know they have no idea how bad the relationship is, but it just makes me feel like he is trying to guilt trip her into staying with him.

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Another friend that I’ve mentioned before, Serena, was supposed to break up with her boyfriend months ago, but she never did to my knowledge. There is another case of social media distorting reality. There’s tons of post of how amazing their relationship is on Facebook, but it’s not true. Serena has an amazing job right now, is continuing her education, and has everything in life going for her except for her boyfriend. She really needs to break up with him because he really is not good her her. They do hold each other back. It’s sad, because she has so much potential to have an amazing life.

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Even I am guilty of having a filter through social media. No one knows about Cody and the porn thing (besides his sister, his best friend, and my sister). Everyone who see’s posts of us through social media probably thinks we have a perfect relationship. We do have a wonderful relationship, but no one knows that we have been through some real shit together and have gotten through it.

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I just find it funny that we all have this desire to make people think we have a great life, and we may have great lives, but it’s so filtered when it’s posted on social media, that it isn’t reality anymore. It’s a snapshot, it’s a moment, it’s not life.

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Though there are people who are honest on their social media. Ethan’s brother, Spencer is one of those people and I absolutely love him for that. He posts about things not being perfect. He will post if he accomplishes something but he will also post if he is struggling with something, whether it be studying for an exam, having a failed attempt at making a friend or romantic connection, and so on. Spencer’s honesty is admirable. I love that he can do that and that his friends always comment and support him.

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I think my main frustrating is that society as a whole puts on this front, this mask, to make it seem like everything is okay. I am someone who likes honesty and deep connections and social media has made connecting to people so superficial. I find it hard to really get to know people on a deeper level these days because no one wants to be perceived as “weak”, or “crazy”, or “undesirable”, etc.

I will end this post with a quote from Shakespeare:

All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.

XOXO Anna

 

Dinner with a Surprise

My parents forced me to go out to dinner to eat because they knew I wasn’t going to eat if I didn’t join them. So we invited Cody to dinner because he was at his moms to pay a bill with her, and when we got to dinner Cody surprised me with a beautiful bracelet.

We had gone to Kohls a couple days ago and there was this gorgeous fake diamond bracelet I wanted and it was on sale for $20 and originally priced at $60.

Cody says to me, “It’s not the same one but it’s similar.” My first thought was that the one I wanted was gone, and it turns out Cody got me a bracelet that was in the glass box, meaning it was real. White Saphire. He got me a bracelet that was originally priced at $285 and he said he was willing to spend that much on me, and then it turned out it was on sale for $70.

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But dude… like what the royal fuck?! I have never ever gotten a gift that nice. No guy has ever bought me something so freaking nice and special. Like dude… I’m in awe. Like look at that bracelet! Isn’t it fucking gorgeous?

I just… I don’t know, I really wanted that $20 bracelet and I wouldn’t even buy it for myself because I didn’t think it was worth spending that money on me… but Cody was willing to spend $285 for me… like holy fuck. Jesus, I have an amazing boyfriend. I feel so fucking lucky.

XOXO Anna

One Year, School, Triggers, and Job Interview

It feels like I haven’t posted in a while. But it’s been one year since I signed up for WordPress, so I had to post. I tend to not post while trying to process through things.

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Cody and his school work… oh that’s been hard. He has a test right now. Last night we started the homework and studying. Cody got frustrated maybe a half hour into doing the work. He didn’t finish the first lesson and got frustrated when looking at the second one. I got him to watch me do some problems so he would understand how they were done. I’m hoping he does alright, but we agreed the new way to handle homework is to do some problems each night so he isn’t overwhelmed the night before it’s due. Cody texted me and since he was late and only had twenty minutes before his class ended he didn’t go. I guess cody wasn’t exaggerating when he told me how hard it was going to be to get him to do his work and pass his classes.

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Lately I’ve been triggered by Monster stuff. Monster and I got together around this time two years ago. Last year I was reporting him and waiting to hear back from my officer around this time last year. I also was kinda single and didn’t have a real, close, intimate, healthy relationship.

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I’ve been projecting things that are Monster related onto Cody, and now that I know that’s why I’ve been off it makes me feel better. This is the first guy I’ve loved since Monster, and knowing my feelings for Cody makes me realize how little I did love Monster. Blair says it best above my feelings for Cody.

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At least I now know why I’ve had irrational thoughts and feelings. But Monster and I got together around this time two years ago. I think it was on the 17th actually. Anniversaries are the worst. They always bring things up. Cody said he hadn’t noticed me being different or off. I let him know though so if it does become noticeable he will at least know why I’m off.

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My parents even have been on my case because I’ve been so angry and irritable lately. (my mom is sitting next to me and literally as I was writing that sentence asked me why I’ve been so irritable). I haven’t told them it’s because of Monster issues. I probably will tell them eventually.

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I finally have that job interview at that diner I applied to. It’s at 2:30 and I’m nervous. I hope it goes well…Only time will tell though. Hoping I get the job! Fingers crossed.

XOXO Anna

Big Date and Cody’s Surprise

This past weekend Cody and I had our fancy date at the restaurant his mom works at. I swear it was an amazing night. I wore this beautiful new dress I got while I was out of the country. Cody got all dressed up too. We took my moms Range Rover out, and Cody drove. At the restaurant we sat outside overlooking the street. The lighting, the mood, it was all perfect.

It was like being in a fairy tale. No lie. I honestly felt like a princess.

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Then on Sunday we go out to brunch, we are taking my mom’s Range Rover again. I’m driving this time. We get in the car after brunch and I turn on my camera because I know my phone is going to give away the location. Cody’s face when he heard the casino’s name was great. Of course taking Cody to a casino wasn’t the whole surprise, but he seemed pretty happy when he figured out the casino.

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When we got there I filmed again. Cody snapped at me for filming, and I felt bad, but I held my ground and told him he would have to put up with it. Like seriously, he better not be snapping at me in the future like that, it kinda hurt my feelings. But anyways, the anticipation is building as we are walking through the hotel lobby, and we are outside the hotel waiting for a car. I give him the folded paper I had with the information of what we were doing.

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He was like a little kid on Christmas! He could not believe that I got him 7 laps in a Ferrari 458 Italia (one of his dream cars). It was an early Christmas present. It was so much fun! I filmed again. He told me to stop filming him like 5 times through out that day. But it was amazing to see him so happy and full of life. He really needed it after having such a lousy week at work.

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Then my mom told me that there was a position open at her company, and Cody has an interview on thursday. I hope he gets the job because it’s better hours, better pay, and another perk to this would be that because Cody is over all the time, as in it’s kinda like he lives here, my parents said if he gets the job at their company, that they would look for an apartment for Cody and I. My mom and I talked this morning and she was like, “You’re 21, and you need your own place. Also Skyler has been living with her boyfriend since she was 19. So you deserve your own place.” Skyler is a frenemy that…well that’s a long long long story that maybe I’ll tell one day.

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But if Cody gets his job, if I get a job, then my mom said that if we found a place to move into beginning in October we could do it. I told Cody about the job and the apartment thing. When I got out of the shower last night Cody told me he had been looking at apartments. I honestly had no idea he… I don’t know. I honestly was floored when my mom said that she would find Cody and I an apartment if he started working for my parents. I was still processing. Cody seemed to be totally game for it and started actually looking. I am not going to lie, I wasn’t sure whether to mention to Cody that my parents said that because I like letting the guy take lead in the relationship, as in taking the next step and all. So me, saying that my parents were willing to find us a place was really scary and big for me. I wasn’t sure what he would think of the idea. I’m glad he was excited though. That’s always a good response. I do hope he gets the job, not because we will get to move out together, but because it’s better pay and better hours and Cody deserves it.

XOXO Anna

The Family Situation

The full story behind what’s been going on is about to be explained.

If you’ve read my past posts, you will know that my sister ran away. I gave up going to school this semester. Before my family decided to go find my sister we found out a lot. We confirmed she had been cutting. We found out she wrote a suicide note back in march. We found out why she wrote the suicide note (which I still won’t reveal because it’s her business).

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We went out of the country to the small town she was in. First day there we found the place she was staying and the post office we sent her package too. The second day we staked out the post office to see if she was going to come pick up the package, which she didn’t. We told her we were in town and that we weren’t going to leave until we saw her.

She texted back that she was on her way to the hotel. She called me and told me she only wanted to see me, and so I went down outside the hotel and saw my sister and the 18 year old guy she was staying with. She looked terrible. There were bruises on her (from a night they got black out drunk) and she looked like she lost weight too. The guy convinced her to talk to me, so we walked around the corner and I talked to her while she just stood there with no expression. I was pouring my heart out to her. I could tell at one point she was trying to hide her emotions and not cry like I was starting to do.

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I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere with her so we went back to the front of the hotel. The guy convinced her to go upstairs and talk to my parents. My dad described my sister walking into the hotel room like she was walking into an execution. We all tried talking to her. Telling her how much we loved her. She just continued to ask for money. when my dad started to say no, she bolted out the door. I ran after her and the elevator that was always slow when I needed it, well the door opened right away. I ran and got in front of her as she was pushing me, trying to get in the elevator. I held her outside of it though, and my dad walked around the corner and helped get her off me. My dad asked the guy to come in the hotel room to talk.

My sister and the guy sat on the couch as my parents talked to him. My dad asked if we could meet his mom since that’s who they were living with. He agreed.

That was an extremely hard day and that’s the day I cut.

The next day we met with him, my sister, and his mom in a mall. She honestly was such a nice woman. The meeting went well. We agreed that the next day we would go shopping so my sister would have clothes for the winter.

We went to the mall, and waited for them to arrive. While waiting I went shopping at this store to distract myself from the crazy situation we were in and found a gorgeous sexy dress, a pair of pants, and an amazing top. When they arrived my sister said she wanted me to go shopping with her and the guy. It wasn’t very successful because I do get anxiety when shopping and I only got her to agree to buy a pair of pants.

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We went back to the food court and then his mom and my mom went with my sister and the guy to shop. I stayed with my dad. After they came back with what my sister actually needed, we all went out to dinner. It was hard. There were moments where it seemed like nothing had changed and my sister and I were like we always were. Then it hit me that she was going to be staying with this family for the semester.

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When we said goodbye my sister actually hugged each of us back and said she loved us after we each told her we loved her. I cried. It was extremely hard and I cut again that night.

The next day we went home without my sister.

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It’s been really hard. The whole situation has made me beyond anxious. I have had nightmares since the first night we left the country until now. Also, because all this stuff with my sister brought up some of my own stuff, it’s been really hard. I’ve had irrational fears about Cody and I, and I’ve had more irrational thoughts regarding me and my worth and whether I am deserving of love and such.

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I had therapy today and talked about everything that this situation has brought up for me. It’s brought up all these old irrational fears and thoughts that I haven’t had since I met Cody. It’s brought up Monster stuff (rape stuff, and cheating stuff), and it’s brought up abandonment issues. It’s also brought up separation anxiety. I am also struggling with eating… so lots is going on.

I am trying my best to keep it together, and keep things as normal as possible.

XOXO Anna

Old Issues

So today is me and Cody’s three month anniversary. Just putting that out there. But anyways that’s not what I wanted to talk about on this post.

So if you’ve read my past posts you will know that Cody and I each have full access to the other’s phone. I went on his phone this morning to see if he added any gifs or images from an app called iFunny in his photo gallery. I sadly discovered something else that I honestly wish I never saw.

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As an anorexic I am hypersensitive when it comes to girls and their looks, especially models and such. I know maybe some girls are fine when their bf has naked photos of other girls on their phone but I am NOT one of those girls. To me it is just plain disrespectful to your partner. I don’t care how big that boot-ay is or if her tits are ginormous. It’s fucking disrespectful to your partner, ESPECIALLY if they’ve already told you this… like i don’t know, maybe when you first started dating?!? Yeah. I have some anger…

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I found a naked picture of a blonde with a “nice ass.” For me and my own experience with anorexia, I know that I compare myself to other girls, it’s just part of my disorder. But in past relationships when stuff like nude photos of other girls or even porn came up I compared myself to the girl the guy had on their phone and was driven to be what the girl on their phone looked like. Yeah, I know it’s probably stupid to most people reading this, but back then that is what I did.

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I know that I am good enough for Cody, but when I find a pic like that on his phone it makes me feel like I am not good enough. It makes me feel like I don’t satisfy him. It just brings up old insecurities. Now am I mad or hurt about the girl in the photo? NO. I am mad that it was on his phone. I am mad because I’ve told him ages ago, when I originally found tons of naked girls on his phone that it was an issue with me.

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It just feels like a betrayal… because he knew how I felt about that. Of course he deleted the photo and apologized and said he didn’t know why he had the picture except for that she had a nice ass.

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I am hurting…trying my best not to let it bother me, but oh does it! I mean, I guess I’m more calm than I was earlier because earlier all I could think about was how to get back at him or punish him as a way to show him every time he does that I can do something like that to hurt him back. I know that’s not healthy AT ALL. But I was thinking of it. I know exactly what to do to provoke him too. I could say every time I find a photo like that, I will dress in my “sexy” clothes and I’ll go out to a bar or dancing with people. He would hate that. He hates when I wear my sexy nice outfits out because he wants them just for himself. It’s sweet, but at the same time I’m going to wear nice clothes out no matter what.

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But anyways, there are other things I thought of that I knew he would get pissed at if I did. But again I am not the revengeful type and it’s not healthy in a relationship. So I guess we will talk about it? I don’t know. I just feel hurt, mad, betrayed, and pissed as fuck. But anger is an emotion that covers deeper emotions.

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I also bought myself red and white roses when I went to CVS this morning. Hell I thought I deserved it. I haven’t gotten myself roses since maybe the middle of the summer and after finding that photo on his phone hell of course I was going to buy flowers for myself. I can treat myself right. I can love myself and I do.

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Whatever, I am calming down…so yay, the anger is gone and just leaves the hurt. Whatever, Cody and I have a day planned and hopefully it goes well…

XOXO Anna

Distractions

With The Case going on I abso-fucking-lutely need as many distractions as possible. Cody has been a great one, and so has school.

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Though I’m not a fan of the amount of sociology reading I have. It seems endless, and it’s boring me at the moment. My abnormal psychology reading isn’t as bad because so far it’s been a refresher for me. I also have some law reading which I am nervous to even open the book for fear of finding something completely and utterly dry to read.

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Cody actually started his homework the other night! It was pretty big for him since in the past he just didn’t do his homework. My goal is that we get that one assignment finished tonight at some point. I just hope we don’t distract each other, which totally happened the other night. Though I stayed more focused than he did.

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My sister has made contact with us and she wants us to send her clothes and money. I am seriously sad and possibly very likely depressed because I feel like I’ve lost my sister. I am doing whatever I can to keep my mood up (in a healthy way, not in a bad coping skills way). But it’s been really hard. I’ve wanted to self-harm a lot since she’s been gone. But thinking of Cody and his reaction keeps me from acting on it. I hope it stays that way. I would hate to let myself and Cody down.

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I just feel like I am going stir-crazy with being in my house so much. It just reminds me of the fact that my sister isn’t here. Plus October is coming up and Halloween is my favorite holiday and it was our holiday. We would always go all out for halloween and decorating the house. I told mom to prepare for the house to be decorated but my mom doesn’t want me too, which isn’t happening. I need it to be festive around the house. I need it to seem like things are normal. We all can’t spiral down into a hole of despair and stop living our lives. We need to just keep moving forward like everything is okay.

But seriously I can’t wait to start looking for halloween decorations and to take them out from the basement and start decorating!

Okay, enough of me distracting myself with blogging. I’ve got to get back to my boring sociology reading. I’ve only got two pages left… hope everyone else is having a good start to the school year!

XOXO Anna

The Case, School, and Cody

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My family is stressing majorly. The police can’t do anything. We are trying to figure out our next move. We’ve called our family friends who are both lawyers and asked if they had anyone they knew who could help us. We still don’t have any information on the three mysterious phone numbers. My sister hasn’t used her phone very much yesterday, and its been off all day today. We are all probably losing it. My mom didn’t go to work, I took the day off from class. My dad went into work but is simultaneously working on The Case.

I didn’t go to class for a couple reasons.

  1. We have a sub today
  2. He was going to let us out early
  3. I got my period and had cramps

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Cody has been a fucking god send through all this. He is the only one that is able to ground me and make it seem like life is normal. He has been super sweet to me, like he always has been, but there have been some little things over the past week that have just stood out to me. I have told him how much I appreciate him being there.

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I still have a shit ton of work to do but I can’t find the motivation for it, which normally isn’t my problem, it’s Cody’s. I have 60 pages of Sociology reading, I have to brief a case from my Law and Evidence class, and I have to do a writing assignment for Abnormal Psychology. Then later today when Cody is off work, I have to help him with his homework. All I know is I will definitely be needing coffee or tea if I wanna stop watching Criminal Minds and actually do my work.

XOXO Anna

Working The Case

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My whole day, besides breakfast with Cody has been working on figuring out things about my sister. I then took a break to watch Criminal Minds season 10 which finally has been uploaded to Netflix. But I printed out phone records going back to a year ago, even past a year ago, and it paid off too, I think. It’s really only two to three billing cycles that have past that had information that was more informative.

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My sister still had a lot of anger towards me and my parents. She wrote some mean things. Not to fault her, because I am sure I’ve done wrong but the level of anger is what disturbs my dad. My mom said she has never seen my dad indecisive, which he has been the whole time about how to handle this. If I write about this in the future I’m going to refer to it as The Case just to keep things short.

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But there are two to three numbers that stand out in the records. We are wondering is my sister plans to just hop scotch from one person to another until she has no money, which would be pretty soon. But again, these would be people she talked to over Omegle or Kik. People she doesn’t know in real life. That’s the scariest part.

I honestly can’t understand what in the world she is thinking. Does she not know how dangerous it is what she has done? All we know is her location, and that the person she is staying with is 18 and male. We don’t know a name. We know practically nothing. I had a nightmare about my sister last night and it made my morning rough. All I do is worry about my sister 24/7, same with my parents. There isn’t a second of the day where I’m not thinking about my sister, where she is, is she safe, will she come back, etc.

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I just want her to be home and safe. I see that she is holding on to a lot of anger. My parents and I have talked and we can’t for the life of us figure out why she is so angry. Yeah, we understand her anger could be from me spending too much time with Cody and not being there for her, or that my parents weren’t going to let her go back to school, but the level is what we don’t understand. It’s extraordinary the amount of anger.

I just wish, and I never wish anything, that my sister would come home and that we as a family could talk about whatever she is going through so we can be there and help her. She is obviously going through something, but she never let anyone of us in, she never reached out and told us she needed us or that she was struggling. I mean, finding those razor blades and a kitchen knife hidden in her drawers was alarming. I mean, we don’t know if she was self-harming, but just seeing that was scary. There are so many questions that we don’t have answers too, and it’s driving us all crazy. We know certain things, but we have been struggling to tie the pieces together.

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I still have like 60 pages of homework reading to do, plus helping Cody with his work too. I just don’t have the fucking energy or drive to do it. I’ve put all my energy into trying to connect the dots and keeping things organized on The Case. But when Cody gets home we plan to go on a run, shower, then eat and do homework, so by then I hopefully will have the motivation to do my work. I have to set an example for Cody. He has one page of reading and has to summarize what he read. That’s fucking easy as shit.

I’m going to go watch more Criminal Minds before seeing if anything has updated with The Case.

Hope everyone else is having a better day than I am!

XOXO Anna

School, Run Away, Family Fight, and an Amazing Boyfriend

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I haven’t posted in a couple days because my life has been crazy. Figuring out the train and subway system in NYC for school was a challenge and my commute sucks, but my teachers and classes are so worth it. But I am crazy exhausted after I get home from NYC.

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Also for the past couple days (like since thursday) we knew my sister was planning on telling us who she was moving out with. On saturday she left the country without telling us. Long story short, she went to meet some guy she’s been talking to online. I know fucking stupid as fuck. We went to the police and the cop actually got a hold of her. She says she is safe, and she refused to tell him when or if she was coming home. My sister is royally pissed at our family and today she texted my parents to “Fuck Off.”

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As Deb said in Dexter, “You’ve always been there. I don’t know what my life looks like without you.” We basically have been keeping track of who she is talking to through myverizon online. At least we know she is using her phone, meaning she is safe and well.

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My family had a huge fight last night, like a fucking blow out, and it was right as Cody got to our house. Now no one outside the family ever see’s our family fight or fall apart. The whole time our family was fighting, knowing Cody was in the other room, I felt so uncomfortable. I was so terrified of what he could be thinking of our family or wondering if he was just going to leave and come back later or something. But the family was fighting about how to deal with my sister hoping  plane out of the country to go on some fucking adventure with some guy she talked to over what we assume is Omegle. We know she has met another guy on there, who we contacted. He has been helpful with letting us know that she is okay since she is talking to him.

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But seriously the fight was bad, like my parents mentioned divorce and moving out bad. That’s my worst fear. If you have read my blog you might have read my parents love story. They are the reason I believe in love and in marriage. Though, I posted about my feelings on marriage too. Though things from that post might be a bit outdated since maybe my opinions have changed, or maybe I’m more open to other things or whatever. But this morning my mom said my dad slept in the guest room and that they didn’t make up like each one promised me they would.

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After all that Cody and I had a great night. We had sex, I showered while he went out to get something, then we watched Dexter, and had sex again. Except the second time we had sex well it was making love. This is the third time it’s felt like this. But seriously holy fucking hell Cody completely floored me again with the fact that he was open with his emotions and how he feels about me. He said I’m the best thing that’s happened to him, and he says how much he loves me, like he’s never loved anyone like this and ah. Seriously like holy fucking hell. There was also this way that he was looking at me in the shower later that night after he said all that sweet stuff and it hit me and I was like, “Shit, you really do love me don’t you?” I usually haven’t in the past held eye contact with him, at least not for long because it’s too nerve wracking, but last night in the shower I held eye contact. Like, hell I wanted the intimacy and closeness. It wasn’t scary, for the first time. Like during sex, after, and in the shower, the whole time I wasn’t scared of intimacy. I actually wanted it.

XOXO Anna

Friend Visiting, Drunk Nights, and Jealousy

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My roommate from freshman year came to visit me this weekend. We have had so much fun catching up. I warn you guys that I’m tipsy/drunk while writing this. But last night we all went out to a bar that Cody likes. But stuff happened.

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Like…I didn’t write about this because honestly well, I just I am not one to believe in happy endings, but anyways so like a couple days ago I was late for treatment because Cody and I were talking and it was about marriage and the future and stuff. So last night I took a huge chance in talking about that,saying that on our wedding day he would be dancing with me, and Cody said something that was apparently a How I Met Your Mother reference, which I didn’t get so I got very hurt.

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I told him that he would have to dance with me on our wedding day, and he was like saying something like how his mom said that you’re not supposed to plan things if it’s longer than half your relationship or something, but it was a reference to Barney saying that to Ted or something. I didn’t get it and I was hurt. I got drunk and cried and called Hannah from treatment and talked to her before Cody got to me. Cody, my friend and I all went home. Cody and I talked and we were good.

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Tonight Cody went out to drink with his guy friends, a boys night, and yeah. I was nervous because they were doing a mile of drinking at every bar.  My friend has a boyfriend and he was being really insecure about everything, and I was like I get that. She and her boyfriend are so cute together though! My friend, she is totally into him, but he was sad because they hadn’t really seen each other all summer and he felt like she was here visiting just me instead of him. He lives like 20 min from my house, so I got to meet him. Hopefully tomorrow we all hang out before we do a double dinner date.

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But anyways, I invited Brian, that guy who Cody gets annoyed with because me and Brian like made out once two years ago. So Brian, my friend and I are hanging at my house drinking, talking and planning on watching Mission Impossible. Then Brian wanted to go out, so we went to the gay bar but because my friend wasn’t 21 we didn’t get in, so then we headed downtown and ran into Cody and the boys. Cody was not happy to see us all out. He marked his territory though (me) by kissing me and making out with me right in front of Brian. I didn’t mind it though.

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Brian, my friend and I all head back to the house and play ping pong, to which I got my ass handed to me, and then Brian went home. My friend and I stayed up talking about Cody and her BF and their issues and our issues. I texted Cody and he said he could drive himself home and didn’t need a ride, which is nice since I’m not able to drive at the moment. I am also exhausted.

Tomorrow should be a good day. Cody, my friend, me, and Cody’s friend are grabbing brunch. Then hopefully her BF can join all of us and we can do something before we all go out to dinner later.

XOXO Anna

Busy Week

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Last weekend I was working my parents show which was exhausting but fun! I really actually enjoyed working the show and was sad that I would actually continue to work the show this week because I was in treatment. Speaking of treatment, my last day is tomorrow!

I am really excited yet seriously nervous. I’m not sure if I’m ready to leave, but then again that’s always how I feel when I’m about to leave. When I asked Cody he said he wasn’t sure if I was ready to leave which was like ouch, but at the same time I feel there’s validity. I still take ensure when I’m rushing or if I’m having an off night. But that’s better than not eating at all.

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Cody signed up for his classes earlier this week which was nice to hear! Though, he is on probation and he needs to pass this math class or he can’t retake it again. So I really hope I can help Cody out with that class. I haven’t signed up for classes yet because they still are processing my transfer credits and then I’ll finally be able to have a school email and meet with my academic advisor and sign up for classes which start next thursday!

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Also so much is happening all at once. So today I am hanging with Hannah because she got a new dog and some of the other frew girls are going to go I think, and then tonight Cody and I are going out to open mic night. Tomorrow is treatment, then hanging with a friend from high school. Then Friday is probably the dentist, then maybe shopping with the frew girls and then my friend is visiting for the weekend. So these next couple days I have a lot of social things going on, and I wonder if I have the energy to do it all.

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But next week is also busy. I really need to get my hair done, and then I need to make sure I do sign up for classes and talk to an advisor, plus I want to do a couple test runs into the city to know how to get to my classes. Also Cody’s friend is having a thing on thursday night, and then his other friends have a thing on friday next week. So yeah, lots going on. I also wonder how my eating will go with this transition and with how busy my schedule is about to get.

Anxiety is a bitch.

XOXO Anna

Not Ready

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After I posted Cody and I ended up having sex. I told him to go slowly in the beginning because I was nervous, because I didn’t want it to hurt because of yesterday. Maybe that was my first clue I wasn’t ready to have sex with him. The fact that I was nervous. It didn’t hurt, which was great, and it started out nicely. Something felt off though, and I ended up having to stop. I got triggered.

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I feel like a fucking failure and I know how stupid that sounds. But PTSD is a fucking bitch. Yesterday so much happened. There were tests done that were triggering to me for my rape yesterday and with that already being an issue, plus Cody coming home drunk from guys night, driving intoxicated, that was all just too much a reminder of the past I guess. I mean, Cody and I talked before we had sex. But maybe I am just not over last night. Hopefully I feel better later today.

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Cody also said to me once again, “Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship.” I guess it’s true, but then again, how would I know that with my past being my past. I am used to being sex or money. So when I told Cody that I couldn’t continue with sex he said okay, got off, put boxers on, and just wanted to make me feel better.

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I felt bad though because I had gotten off and I had to stop before I got him there. He told me I didn’t have to feel bad and that this was his fault. I just guess I am annoyed at myself. I am annoyed because when I had sex with Cody this morning it didn’t feel right. It’s never felt like that with him, and that’s what made me so upset. In the past, there were times when I’d sleep with my boyfriend of the time and it didn’t feel as good or right and I’d just do it. But with Cody I couldn’t just do that. It didn’t feel right, and it felt like I would be doing something wrong to him if I’d let it continue. It’s not fair to him either. I mean, when we have sex it’s good, it’s making love, it’s positive, respectful, exciting, fun, playful, etc. But this time didn’t feel right and I don’t know what to think of that.

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I knew I was nervous to have sex because of the burst cyst and I wasn’t sure if there was going to be pain, but I was also nervous because I don’t know. It just… grr. I told Cody I might not be able to have sex later today, or tomorrow, or even the next day. It’s a possibility, but knowing me, I figure I’ll be fine to go again tomorrow. But I honestly don’t know. With the emotional whiplash of yesterday in the ER and the boys night fall out I just don’t know.

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Damn emotions.

XOXO Anna

Wisdom Teeth Got Pulled

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I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. Cody was awesome, he took me there and sat in the room with me while they put me under. Honestly if he didn’t go with me I would have freaked out ten times more worse. He of course took a video of me once the procedure was over. I don’t remember anything really. But Cody was AMAZING yesterday. We spent the whole day in my parents bed watching Dexter together. He took great care of me and was the best support. I’ve never had that and it really meant the world to me that he went to the dentist with me because I know how freaked out he gets about the dentist. I just feel so lucky to have him in my life.

Also the pain meds are nice. I’ve got like a super high script for ibuprofen and some hydrocodone (vicodin) which makes me really sleepy. Well, both meds make me sleepy but the hydocodone makes me very sleepy and in a strange state.

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I am basically going to try and relax and maybe nap today so when Cody gets out from work and we hang with his friend I won’t be so tired or out of it. His best friend who we’re hanging with tonight also just got his wisdom teeth out so we were planning on going to this coffee shop and then the bar after because Cody wants to go to a bar haha.

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But yeah, so I’m curled up on the downstairs couch, watching TV while wearing Cody’s hat, wrapped in his childhood blankie with his favorite stuffed animal from his childhood that he gave me named Leppy. So I am pretty damn happy and content. 🙂

Hope everyone’s having a good friday!

XOXO Anna

Progress

Progress at home has been made. Little progress, but still it’s something and it makes me happy.

Cody got to my house yesterday evening and my dad and mom sat down and talked with him and Cody said that my parents told him how much they appreciated all Cody’s done for me, and my dad said, “If you leave her, I’ll shoot you.” Apparently my mom’s dad told my dad the same thing. See, if my dad said that, then that means a lot because in the past my dad didn’t care about my boyfriends. He always knew they wouldn’t last, or didn’t really care for the guy at all and just entertained me by meeting them. It’s nice to know my dad actually likes Cody.

Anyways, it’s early and I let Cody sleep in while I get cereal before we leave for multi-family group. My mom also is coming too, so that should be quite interesting. I’m a bit nervous about it, but glad she is so she will learn a thing or two.

Hoping for a good day!

XOXO Anna

I Can’t Take This Anymore

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I am so fucking done right now. I just … I just got home from going to the grocery and jeez. I originally went to go get Cody some stuff and I picked up stuff for me too and for my sister. I bring in the grocery bags and my mom asks me why I went to get food. Ummm…..Okayyyy, what the fuck. Why would she ask me why I went? Like, that is huge progress for me! I didn’t totally get a panic thing when going, mainly because I was buying stuff for Cody and my sister. Though I didn’t realize there were different types of peanut butter. I was going to get peanut butter and jelly for when Cody comes over so he can make a PB&J for himself but I got so overwhelmed I just didn’t get it, plus Cody is picky about his food and didn’t want to risk getting it if he wasn’t going to eat it.

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Anyways, so I get home and start unpacking what I got and I tell my mom that I got my sister Nibs (twizzler candy), Mini Chocolate Chip Muffins (that she loves!), ice cream (that she ran out of), and these scent boosters for laundry (that we ran out of). My mom gets mad at me for that. She gets fucking mad!? Really? Why? Well, she was like, “Tonight isn’t about you. It isn’t a competition. We still have to talk with her, and it’s not about you. Don’t give it to her tonight.” I got defensive, as per usual, and I started talking (or screaming) back. I told her I bought this for my sister because I knew she loved all of it, we were out of it, and I figured it was a nice peace offering.

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My dad gets angry because he hears the both of us screaming at each other. I go in and explain to dad what I did, and at first dad’s on my side and thinks it’s nice, but then I don’t know how, but he ends up on my moms side. He says it was nice of me to do, but if I figured she wouldn’t care, why do it. I did almost attack my mom like the gif above, I mean I sure as shit stepped forward but stopped because I knew I wouldn’t do anything, but she needed to know how pissed I was.

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I did it because even if she doesn’t react well or at all, she at least see’s I am trying. I am trying, truly. That’s the point.

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So I am so upset again. I really… fuck, I wanna run away, or self-harm, or both! I can’t take it anymore. I can’t have them all angry at me. And, my dad was like, “Did you get smartfood?” Which I did. “Can I have some?” I gave it to him.

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I went out to get my food. My food. But I didn’t want to make matters worse, so I let him have it, and knowing him most of it will be gone. I love smartfood, and now I will run out faster and I don’t know when I’ll get the courage to go to the grocery again. Fuck.

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It’s annoying because I told my mom I was staying at Cody’s tonight, but she knew I was going to be coming home before I headed over. I don’t know, I am just not having all this shit. I seriously hate living here right now. It sucks. I rather be in GA where I could run into Owen than be in this toxic house.

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XOXO Anna

Dexter

I am really angry. I am relaxing, the whole day, watching Dexter, and I am sitting in the TV room minding my own business when my mom walks in and says, “Wow, if there was ever a double ganger of Dexter it’s Ethan.” I replied with, “I know, it’s funny that I met him after I started watching Dexter.”

My mom sits down because I invite her to sit. She starts talking and it all goes down hill from there.

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She says a comment about Ethan, one of nostalgia and I sigh knowing where this is about to go. It always goes here.

“You still love Ethan?” mom says.

“Mom, stop. I’m not getting back together with Ethan. Me and Ethan are never getting back together you need to get over that. Do I care about him? Yes. But I do not love him romantically,” I said.

“I don’t know why I think that. Why do I always go back to him?” my mom asked.

“I can’t answer that. But you do need to get over that,” I said.

“I think it’s because I got to know him and his family. There was a real connection.”

“Maybe. But seriously, you need to stop thinking about Ethan and me. It’s never going to happen.”

“I’m still not there with Cody,” mom confesses.

“Well, dad is. Why aren’t you there yet?” I ask.

“I haven’t gotten a chance to know him,” mom said.

I explained to her that she would get to know him. We talked about the one issue my dad thought could be a pitfall for Cody and I and I assured my mom I was committed. I hate that she questions me. My judgment. My choice of who I’m with. I love Cody. End of fucking story. I am doing my best with trusting Cody, letting him in, getting to know him, doing the whole relationship thing. The last thing I need is my mom putting doubts in my head! Like where does she get off with doing that?

She is more than willing to get to know Cody, and I hope to the fucking gods she does, because if I hear her get all nostalgic for Ethan I’m going to freaking scream. I hate it. I hate that she hasn’t gotten over Ethan and me. It fucking sucks. I don’t need to be reminded about how shitty Ethan and I ended the romantic relationship. I don’t need to be reminded of Ethan at all, actually. I am still trying my best to be friends with him even after that Monster comment.

I just had to vent, because yelling at my mom wouldn’t be helpful. But seriously, I want my mom to get on board with Cody. I think she will like Cody just as much as she liked Ethan, if not more, once she gets to see Cody and I interact and once she gets to know him more.

XOXO Anna

Past Demons

Yesterday was a very rough day. Lots of things were still coming up from the previous night with Cody. At treatment I had to Ensure it. I felt like a failure or disappointment. I did hang out with some of the girls after treatment though, and that was really fun.

I went to dinner with Cody and two of his friends at this place called Mecha Noodle bar. I was not a fan. I figured I wasn’t going to be eating too much if we went, but I got a Proseco which made me happy.  Then Cody had to go to Target, so me and his friends went to a bar. Once Cody got back we went back to his place so he could get things ready for LARPing. I was wearing a really hot outfit. I haven’t worn something that hot since I was back at my old school.

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Yesterday was really rough because in treatment we talked about shopping and other things and the whole day all I felt like was a sex object. That’s part of the reason I wore the outfit I did for Cody, but the other half was that I wanted him to have a good last impression of me before he went away this weekend.

Cody and I had amazing sex again last night. I got emotional…again. *sigh* I was not happy at all. It really did remind me of Deb and Rudy, though. That’s not comforting if you think about who Rudy really is. But, I think I’m getting used to whatever emotions I am feeling.

I also figured out where my anxiety was coming from this past week! See, in my past relationships, whenever one of us would go away for a weekend, or part for the summer, things either got bad between us or we ended the relationship.  That’s part of where my separation anxiety comes from. I know, Cody is not any of those guys, but because every time I’ve parted with a partner for a weekend or summer things went wrong or ended, I’ve been conditioned, in a way, to expect bad things when one partner leaves for a trip.

I do realize the irrationality of this, and that’s why I feel better right now. Plus I also told Cody to just check in with me, like a text or something. See, for me, radio silence is one of my biggest triggers, whether it triggers my restriction or self-harm.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know of all my shitty past relationships. I don’t know if I’ve written about this yet, but why not.

Radio silence sucks. It scares the hell out of me. What’s worse, is when you reach out, and you’re further ignored. Ethan and I never really had a radio silence problem, but Monster and I did.

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When I went home for winter break my sophomore year of college, Monster practically fell off the face of the earth. There I was, trying to figure out if I was going to be going to treatment the first time, and he was gone. Monster said he was going on some trip with no service. Checked Facebook, and he had service. My messages were ignored, and he never sent a message to initiate conversation. That was probably when I was my worst in my anorexia, because that silent treatment killed me. I didn’t know if he was okay or not and I knew I wasn’t okay.  I think that’s when I was eating only a snack in a day. If even that. I was at my lowest weight then, I believe. I starved myself for the two or three weeks where Monster was ignoring me.

With Captain America, who I’ve mentioned on here minimally, also gave me the silent treatment. Captain America was the guy who I used as training wheels after Monster. I knew Captain America was safe because he was Christian and a virgin. Captain America was great at spoiling me with gifts, but terrible at being there emotionally. Once summer came, it was as if I didn’t exist. He was always terrible at responding to texts, but over that summer, I swear as if I was dead to him. I would send a message and maybe get a response two days to a week later. We skyped a couple times, but only because I begged. It sucked. I felt meaningless. Captain America was triggering all those feelings that came up with Monster. Captain America and I broke up and I went back to treatment for the second time.

Right now, my sister is not exactly giving me the silent treatment, but if you’ve read some of my posts for the past month, you’ll know that we aren’t on good terms…at all. She practically pretends I’m not in the room when I’m there or ignores me when I speak, as if I don’t exist. This behavior is a more extreme version of what Monster and Captain America did, because it is triggering to me. There are times when I just want to restrict or cut or burn because it’s so overwhelmingly painful.

Today we made progress though! She acknowledged my existence again but still in a rude way. I asked her to go to the diner with me and she said, “No, fuck you.” It’s better than silence. Anything is better than silence.

Silence is deadly in relationships. I’ve stated a thousand times that communication is key and it is! The fact that my sister and I are at least having some type of dialogue is good, even if it’s rude. Ignoring someone, or just not talking never solves anything. It makes things worse.

So that’s why I told Cody to just check in with me. I know it’s just the weekend, but because I know how badly I can get triggered, I just let him know that radio silence was something that was triggering for me.

I do have a couple of things I might do this weekend though! Serena can’t hang, so I can’t hang with Brian. Or, I can, but because I know Cody is uncomfortable with it, I’m not going to hang out with Brian alone. I can see Brian on wednesday for Karaoke night at the bar with Serena and her bf. I might hang with some of Cody’s friends though! And I might go to NYC tomorrow to see a friend from my old school. I also might hang with some of the girls from treatment. Again, these are all options, and none set in stone. I also would be happy with just a weekend to myself. Me, my writing, my TV shows, and a nice long relaxing bath and a book to read.

I am an ENFJ, or and INFJ. Those are personality types. I am in the middle of introversion and extraversion. For me, I love to stay busy all the time and have plans with people. It’s just what I’m used to since college. I hate when I isolate or have no one to hang with. Of course, in college, I had a pattern of hanging out with people everyday and I was burned out by the weekend but I still went out clubbing. I did, however, take two days to myself to recharge, and that was satisfactory and could let me hang out with people nonstop for another week.

Since I’ve met Cody, it’s been go, go, go. Which I love! But, it’s nice to know that I can just choose to relax a bit if I want. I still am not sure if I am in the go, go, go mood or the “I just need to stay home” mood. Because if I’m not with Cody, I’m with Serena or some of her friends. Sometimes I just want to stay at home and watch some Grey’s and live vicariously through those characters! I know, maybe it’s lame, but it makes me happy sometimes.

This is a long post…again, I know. It’s just I’ve had so much on my mind and this past week was stressful and I barely had time to sit down to blog. I’m at the diner right now, and I’ve finished breakfast. I just got inspired to write some of my stories. I seem to always get inspired if I’m sitting in a room of crowded people. I think that’s why I like the Coffee Fox back at my old school. I would get inspired to write when I had writers block. I’ve had writers block since  a little bit before I met Cody, and for some reason I just have that urge to write something. Maybe this weekend I’ll pump out twenty new pages to one of my stories! That would be awesome.

XOXO Anna