Partners Of Porn Addicts

I have redone the look of the forum and I am really glad that we have gotten new members! I hope that anyone who is struggling with porn addiction can give the forum link to their partners, and that any partners of porn addiction join as well. So far everyone on the forum is happy that it’s a safe place for partners.

XOXO Anna

Stressing The Fuck Out and Pissed

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So I am a bit pissed at Cody…We had established understandings about him going LARPing.

  1. The desks and bed frame would be taken apart before he leaves.
  2. He would text me at these intervals (when he gets there, at night, when he wakes up, and when he heads home, and gets home)

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I don’t think those are hard to follow. First off, the deal was that he had to have number 1 done to even go to LARP. It’s my fault though for not pushing him to do it, or well, I don’t know. Then this morning, he didn’t text me. So I texted him saying are you up and he said yup. Pissed as fuck at that. I just have separation anxiety and those simple texts at the intervals listed above keeps my anxiety at bay…though yesterday I did have an anxiety attack and had to talk a calm aid.

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I can’t believe this is weekend one…he has a million more of these LARPing weekends. I hate this. I hate this, I hate this. Breathe.  Sorry, I just don’t want to start crying from the stress. We are moving out TOMORROW. NOTHING is packed. I have to do this all ALONE. You know what, I could simply pack all MY things, and leave Cody to pack his things, and maybe that will teach him something? No. I know that’s petty of me to do, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to do it.

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Also fuck me…I don’t know how well eating is going to go today. Haven’t eaten yet. Planning on chewing gum. Trying not to cry. My god there is so much laundry to do… there is a cat at our house that keeps peeing on them and I want to wash ALL our clothes before we pack them to make sure they are actually clean. Then packing toiletries. I can’t evens start trying to move the bed or the desks because they ARE NOT TAKEN APART. I have to pack all the kitchen stuff.

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I hate moving. Those who know me know it’s stressful as fuck for me and I don’t handle it well. Shit, crying. Fuck. I also have finals to do and I was so anxiety ridden yesterday I couldn’t do anything and fuck I feel like everything is just too much. I hate this. Sorry for being so stressed, I just had to post this to keep me sane and to let me actually try to pack.

XOXO Anna

Social Media is Deceiving

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I love how we post constantly about our lives. We paint the perfect picture for everyone to see. We see the smiles, the hugs, the friends, and the fun. What we don’t see are the tears, the fights, the breakdowns.

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Ethan’s sister and I talked about a week ago about how bad her relationship with her boyfriend is. It is completely unhealthy. It honestly is a bit scary to hear about. Her boyfriend has thrown her mugs and punched walls when she has tried to talk to him in the past about something that wasn’t working in the relationship. They live in two different states. She is paying his rent. He is smoking weed. She has tried to end it, but that then turned into 100 texts and 40 calls later….and she is still with him.

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This topic came up because he posted a picture of them and said how much he loves and misses her and I just got so mad seeing that, and seeing people like that. I know they have no idea how bad the relationship is, but it just makes me feel like he is trying to guilt trip her into staying with him.

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Another friend that I’ve mentioned before, Serena, was supposed to break up with her boyfriend months ago, but she never did to my knowledge. There is another case of social media distorting reality. There’s tons of post of how amazing their relationship is on Facebook, but it’s not true. Serena has an amazing job right now, is continuing her education, and has everything in life going for her except for her boyfriend. She really needs to break up with him because he really is not good her her. They do hold each other back. It’s sad, because she has so much potential to have an amazing life.

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Even I am guilty of having a filter through social media. No one knows about Cody and the porn thing (besides his sister, his best friend, and my sister). Everyone who see’s posts of us through social media probably thinks we have a perfect relationship. We do have a wonderful relationship, but no one knows that we have been through some real shit together and have gotten through it.

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I just find it funny that we all have this desire to make people think we have a great life, and we may have great lives, but it’s so filtered when it’s posted on social media, that it isn’t reality anymore. It’s a snapshot, it’s a moment, it’s not life.

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Though there are people who are honest on their social media. Ethan’s brother, Spencer is one of those people and I absolutely love him for that. He posts about things not being perfect. He will post if he accomplishes something but he will also post if he is struggling with something, whether it be studying for an exam, having a failed attempt at making a friend or romantic connection, and so on. Spencer’s honesty is admirable. I love that he can do that and that his friends always comment and support him.

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I think my main frustrating is that society as a whole puts on this front, this mask, to make it seem like everything is okay. I am someone who likes honesty and deep connections and social media has made connecting to people so superficial. I find it hard to really get to know people on a deeper level these days because no one wants to be perceived as “weak”, or “crazy”, or “undesirable”, etc.

I will end this post with a quote from Shakespeare:

All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.

XOXO Anna

 

Dinner with a Surprise

My parents forced me to go out to dinner to eat because they knew I wasn’t going to eat if I didn’t join them. So we invited Cody to dinner because he was at his moms to pay a bill with her, and when we got to dinner Cody surprised me with a beautiful bracelet.

We had gone to Kohls a couple days ago and there was this gorgeous fake diamond bracelet I wanted and it was on sale for $20 and originally priced at $60.

Cody says to me, “It’s not the same one but it’s similar.” My first thought was that the one I wanted was gone, and it turns out Cody got me a bracelet that was in the glass box, meaning it was real. White Saphire. He got me a bracelet that was originally priced at $285 and he said he was willing to spend that much on me, and then it turned out it was on sale for $70.

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But dude… like what the royal fuck?! I have never ever gotten a gift that nice. No guy has ever bought me something so freaking nice and special. Like dude… I’m in awe. Like look at that bracelet! Isn’t it fucking gorgeous?

I just… I don’t know, I really wanted that $20 bracelet and I wouldn’t even buy it for myself because I didn’t think it was worth spending that money on me… but Cody was willing to spend $285 for me… like holy fuck. Jesus, I have an amazing boyfriend. I feel so fucking lucky.

XOXO Anna

One Year, School, Triggers, and Job Interview

It feels like I haven’t posted in a while. But it’s been one year since I signed up for WordPress, so I had to post. I tend to not post while trying to process through things.

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Cody and his school work… oh that’s been hard. He has a test right now. Last night we started the homework and studying. Cody got frustrated maybe a half hour into doing the work. He didn’t finish the first lesson and got frustrated when looking at the second one. I got him to watch me do some problems so he would understand how they were done. I’m hoping he does alright, but we agreed the new way to handle homework is to do some problems each night so he isn’t overwhelmed the night before it’s due. Cody texted me and since he was late and only had twenty minutes before his class ended he didn’t go. I guess cody wasn’t exaggerating when he told me how hard it was going to be to get him to do his work and pass his classes.

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Lately I’ve been triggered by Monster stuff. Monster and I got together around this time two years ago. Last year I was reporting him and waiting to hear back from my officer around this time last year. I also was kinda single and didn’t have a real, close, intimate, healthy relationship.

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I’ve been projecting things that are Monster related onto Cody, and now that I know that’s why I’ve been off it makes me feel better. This is the first guy I’ve loved since Monster, and knowing my feelings for Cody makes me realize how little I did love Monster. Blair says it best above my feelings for Cody.

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At least I now know why I’ve had irrational thoughts and feelings. But Monster and I got together around this time two years ago. I think it was on the 17th actually. Anniversaries are the worst. They always bring things up. Cody said he hadn’t noticed me being different or off. I let him know though so if it does become noticeable he will at least know why I’m off.

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My parents even have been on my case because I’ve been so angry and irritable lately. (my mom is sitting next to me and literally as I was writing that sentence asked me why I’ve been so irritable). I haven’t told them it’s because of Monster issues. I probably will tell them eventually.

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I finally have that job interview at that diner I applied to. It’s at 2:30 and I’m nervous. I hope it goes well…Only time will tell though. Hoping I get the job! Fingers crossed.

XOXO Anna

Big Date and Cody’s Surprise

This past weekend Cody and I had our fancy date at the restaurant his mom works at. I swear it was an amazing night. I wore this beautiful new dress I got while I was out of the country. Cody got all dressed up too. We took my moms Range Rover out, and Cody drove. At the restaurant we sat outside overlooking the street. The lighting, the mood, it was all perfect.

It was like being in a fairy tale. No lie. I honestly felt like a princess.

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Then on Sunday we go out to brunch, we are taking my mom’s Range Rover again. I’m driving this time. We get in the car after brunch and I turn on my camera because I know my phone is going to give away the location. Cody’s face when he heard the casino’s name was great. Of course taking Cody to a casino wasn’t the whole surprise, but he seemed pretty happy when he figured out the casino.

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When we got there I filmed again. Cody snapped at me for filming, and I felt bad, but I held my ground and told him he would have to put up with it. Like seriously, he better not be snapping at me in the future like that, it kinda hurt my feelings. But anyways, the anticipation is building as we are walking through the hotel lobby, and we are outside the hotel waiting for a car. I give him the folded paper I had with the information of what we were doing.

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He was like a little kid on Christmas! He could not believe that I got him 7 laps in a Ferrari 458 Italia (one of his dream cars). It was an early Christmas present. It was so much fun! I filmed again. He told me to stop filming him like 5 times through out that day. But it was amazing to see him so happy and full of life. He really needed it after having such a lousy week at work.

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Then my mom told me that there was a position open at her company, and Cody has an interview on thursday. I hope he gets the job because it’s better hours, better pay, and another perk to this would be that because Cody is over all the time, as in it’s kinda like he lives here, my parents said if he gets the job at their company, that they would look for an apartment for Cody and I. My mom and I talked this morning and she was like, “You’re 21, and you need your own place. Also Skyler has been living with her boyfriend since she was 19. So you deserve your own place.” Skyler is a frenemy that…well that’s a long long long story that maybe I’ll tell one day.

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But if Cody gets his job, if I get a job, then my mom said that if we found a place to move into beginning in October we could do it. I told Cody about the job and the apartment thing. When I got out of the shower last night Cody told me he had been looking at apartments. I honestly had no idea he… I don’t know. I honestly was floored when my mom said that she would find Cody and I an apartment if he started working for my parents. I was still processing. Cody seemed to be totally game for it and started actually looking. I am not going to lie, I wasn’t sure whether to mention to Cody that my parents said that because I like letting the guy take lead in the relationship, as in taking the next step and all. So me, saying that my parents were willing to find us a place was really scary and big for me. I wasn’t sure what he would think of the idea. I’m glad he was excited though. That’s always a good response. I do hope he gets the job, not because we will get to move out together, but because it’s better pay and better hours and Cody deserves it.

XOXO Anna

The Family Situation

The full story behind what’s been going on is about to be explained.

If you’ve read my past posts, you will know that my sister ran away. I gave up going to school this semester. Before my family decided to go find my sister we found out a lot. We confirmed she had been cutting. We found out she wrote a suicide note back in march. We found out why she wrote the suicide note (which I still won’t reveal because it’s her business).

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We went out of the country to the small town she was in. First day there we found the place she was staying and the post office we sent her package too. The second day we staked out the post office to see if she was going to come pick up the package, which she didn’t. We told her we were in town and that we weren’t going to leave until we saw her.

She texted back that she was on her way to the hotel. She called me and told me she only wanted to see me, and so I went down outside the hotel and saw my sister and the 18 year old guy she was staying with. She looked terrible. There were bruises on her (from a night they got black out drunk) and she looked like she lost weight too. The guy convinced her to talk to me, so we walked around the corner and I talked to her while she just stood there with no expression. I was pouring my heart out to her. I could tell at one point she was trying to hide her emotions and not cry like I was starting to do.

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I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere with her so we went back to the front of the hotel. The guy convinced her to go upstairs and talk to my parents. My dad described my sister walking into the hotel room like she was walking into an execution. We all tried talking to her. Telling her how much we loved her. She just continued to ask for money. when my dad started to say no, she bolted out the door. I ran after her and the elevator that was always slow when I needed it, well the door opened right away. I ran and got in front of her as she was pushing me, trying to get in the elevator. I held her outside of it though, and my dad walked around the corner and helped get her off me. My dad asked the guy to come in the hotel room to talk.

My sister and the guy sat on the couch as my parents talked to him. My dad asked if we could meet his mom since that’s who they were living with. He agreed.

That was an extremely hard day and that’s the day I cut.

The next day we met with him, my sister, and his mom in a mall. She honestly was such a nice woman. The meeting went well. We agreed that the next day we would go shopping so my sister would have clothes for the winter.

We went to the mall, and waited for them to arrive. While waiting I went shopping at this store to distract myself from the crazy situation we were in and found a gorgeous sexy dress, a pair of pants, and an amazing top. When they arrived my sister said she wanted me to go shopping with her and the guy. It wasn’t very successful because I do get anxiety when shopping and I only got her to agree to buy a pair of pants.

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We went back to the food court and then his mom and my mom went with my sister and the guy to shop. I stayed with my dad. After they came back with what my sister actually needed, we all went out to dinner. It was hard. There were moments where it seemed like nothing had changed and my sister and I were like we always were. Then it hit me that she was going to be staying with this family for the semester.

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When we said goodbye my sister actually hugged each of us back and said she loved us after we each told her we loved her. I cried. It was extremely hard and I cut again that night.

The next day we went home without my sister.

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It’s been really hard. The whole situation has made me beyond anxious. I have had nightmares since the first night we left the country until now. Also, because all this stuff with my sister brought up some of my own stuff, it’s been really hard. I’ve had irrational fears about Cody and I, and I’ve had more irrational thoughts regarding me and my worth and whether I am deserving of love and such.

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I had therapy today and talked about everything that this situation has brought up for me. It’s brought up all these old irrational fears and thoughts that I haven’t had since I met Cody. It’s brought up Monster stuff (rape stuff, and cheating stuff), and it’s brought up abandonment issues. It’s also brought up separation anxiety. I am also struggling with eating… so lots is going on.

I am trying my best to keep it together, and keep things as normal as possible.

XOXO Anna