Worst Nightmare

My nightmare started off with me going to English class. It was strange it was set in my high school building, part of it, and I sit down for english and I look to see my teacher is Owen. I sit there in shock and then there was some assignment and Owen didn’t like mine. It was obvious he treated me differently than the other students.

Then time skipped or locations skipped. I think I was still on campus, but something happened to the world. I don’t know what, but it was in chaos and things weren’t good, kinda almost post apocalyptic maybe… but all the girls were having to go get assigned to a man who they were to marry.


I was in line and I wrote down my anonymous blog name “Anonymous Anna XOXO.” I put that in the basket, and when it was pulled I was called forward and was told I was going to be marrying Owen. Somehow they knew he had raped someone, but they thought it was a different girl, so they made sure she didn’t end up with him. Once a name is pulled you can’t go back and I tried explaining that the other girl wasn’t the one he raped, but it was me. They said sorry, and sent me forward to go meet him to get married.


Jesus Fucking Hell! What in the world made me dream of Owen and what in the hell made me dream that I’m marrying him? Maybe marriage was in the dream because of my mom and Gabby talking about in ten years and Ethan and shit. But I wasn’t even thinking of Owen yesterday, or a couple days previous.

I am totally creeped out by my dream. I would hope to the gods that if I ever get married I wouldn’t be marrying someone so terrible and scary. I mean, yeah marriage would be awesome to have one day but if I ever ended up marrying someone like Owen I would fucking like run away.

The worst part in my dream was that when I was assigned to marry him I knew I was about to have a life of getting abused and possibly killed because I had reported him. In the dream Owen definitely treated me differently, he treated me with passive aggressive anger and I knew he was angry at me for reporting him.


So glad to be awake and realize I have an amazing boyfriend who treats me with respect.


Secret Letters


In my room I have one of those fake books. I have all these secret letters and notes that I’ve written over the years. I was downstairs in the kitchen with my mom, drinking a celebratory glass of Proseco, when she pulled out a note and I recognized it. It wasn’t a suicide note, per se, but a goodbye note in case anything happened to me. It’s dated 12/17/13. I remember writing it.

I thought that I’d gotten rid of all goodbye/suicide notes because Eric told me to get rid of them all because it wasn’t good to have around. I just went back to my secret book and found the second draft of the letter that my mom had found. She found the first draft, and yes I’ve written multiple drafts before to get it right. I mean, if I was writing a goodbye letter I had to make sure I didn’t leave anything out.


Reading it makes me sad. I wrote to my sister, “What can I say…Thank you. Thank you for being there when no one else was. You are the reason I keep going. So thank you for being so un-judgmental and loving. I couldn’t have asked for a better sister. I love you with ever fiber in my bone.”


I wrote this letter before I admitted what Monster had done to me and it makes me sad to see what I wrote to him. To know that I was trying so hard to stay in denial really makes me sad.


I did get rid of the suicide letters for sure. But then again, there is a suicide letter on my computer. It was written for a class assignment. I originally wrote it when things were really bad with Ethan over the past year. I changed things of course and made it fictional for my assignment but it was inspired from true feelings. My teacher loved that I chose to write a letter for the word count. We could only write up to 500 words and a letter was a good way to meet that requirement he said.

Looking through my secret letters it’s kind of funny. Some are about how frustrated I was with Ethan during our relationship. I swear there are so many “fucks” in the letter I can’t believe I got a sentence out. I also found a note that I wrote when Ethan and I were first getting together and all my worries and Ethan’s friend Dean (who I’ve mentioned before, and that we have a rocky history) helped me that night to fight my irrational thoughts.


I also found a note from my first kiss! It’s dated November 29th, 2008. Reading it was really funny to see how nervous I was. I remember my first kiss and I am so annoyed with it. I wish I hadn’t been so nervous or just wish it hadn’t been on a dare in front of everyone. I really liked this guy too, but I didn’t want him to know. Then I had to kiss one of the other guys that night, that I had had a crush on in the past, and I described it as kissing a stuffed animal. It’s cute to read some of these notes and see the innocence I used to have.

I also found a note to this guy I met in Australia. We still Skype every couple of months, which is awesome. It’s been like five years and we still talk! Speaking of which, I need to Skype him soon so I can update him on all of the things that have happened!

In all honesty, I kind of wish I didn’t throw those suicide notes away. It expressed all my pain once I realized what Monster did to me. I do have my journals though, and damn. I’ve tried to go back and read those and it’s really hard. I mean, I am a very sentimental person and also with the PTSD and trauma my memory isn’t too sharp. I like to occasionally refresh my memory of how I felt or what I was going through.

I might just skim through my journals… I kind of want to know what I wrote about Monster once I realized what he had done.


New Friends


So me and my best friend, who we’ll call Serena, hung out yesterday and went to the bars together for the second time. I also dyed my hair two days ago. I was originally blonde and went brown and I really am enjoying the change! Serena and her family also loved it. So Serena and I were going to a coffee shop after the bar and we ran into one of her high school guy friends. He invited us to go to the beach with some friends and we went.

I socialized with people my age for the first time in like a month. I mean I’ve seen friends individually but I haven’t hung out in a group setting in a while. Plus with my PTSD I’ve been isolating, so getting out last night was awesome. It was me, Serena, and four guys friends. I thought two of the guys were cute. I really hit it off with one of them, who we’ll call Cody, and I hope that me and him will hang out again on our own. Serena at the end of the night told me that “Cody totally digs you” so that’s cool. I’m totally flattered, but at the same time I feel bleh. This article gives some valid points that I can relate to. I relate to number 1 in this situation. I think Cody is cool from what I know, and I want to actually hang out with him again, but I don’t want there to be any “moves” yet. I rather just get to know him better as a person.


After the beach we all went to a diner and I sat next to Cody. Serena and I were originally going to just split fries, but she wanted actual food, and then since we were sitting at the opposite side of the table she was telling me I should order chicken tenders, and Cody was like, “I was going to get those, we can split them if you like.” I took him up on that offer. I was honestly really nervous about eating in front of these new people. Mainly because I tried on some of my old clothes and they looked and felt different since I’ve become a healthy weight. They are tighter and I don’t like that. I am still trying to get used to my body, keep in shape and healthy.

Looking at Body tumblr_n4u2181LIx1ts7f01o1_500

Serena also said at the end of the night, “You’re totally going to hookup with him.” That made me feel strange when I heard that. I told her I wasn’t going to because I don’t know him. Even in therapy we discussed the topic of guys and the place they will have in my life from now on and how I’ll go about anything romantic.

Anyways, later tonight there’s a bbq and people from yesterday will be there so I’ll be seeing this guy again tonight, so I’m a little nervous. Hopefully all goes well!


Meeting for The First Time

Another Article I wrote for Ideafortoday


These days, everyone is dating online. I rarely come across someone who meets someone through a class, or a mutual friend. Everyone is on Tinder, OkCupid, POF, and many others. If you’re like the many college students out there, meeting someone from offline for the first time can be nerve wracking. I’ve had plenty of first dates from one of those dating sites. Picking a first date with someone you’ve never met can be anxiety provoking! I’ve found that the best bet is either a coffee date or a lunch date.

A coffee date is simple and sweet! You get to meet them in person and get a sense of who they are and if you two will hit it off. There are infinite opportunities to know if you are going to have a second date, or if you two mutually agree on parting ways then and there. I would recommend a coffee date for those of you who didn’t spend too much time talking to the person before you agree to a date. I’ve been on a couple of coffee dates, and I was thankful it was a coffee date. We soon realized that there wasn’t any spark so we parted ways. I once made the mistake of going out to dinner for a first date and had to sit through an hour of awkwardness with a guy that I realized had nothing in common with me.

Lunch is also a nice option for a first date if you’ve really talked to them a lot online. I went on a really nice lunch date the other week with a guy I had been talking to for about a week or so. We enjoyed each other’s company and continued talking about subjects we briefly mentioned. A lunch date allows you time to get to know them better. Plus you can get a taste of what they like, and see if you both have similar taste in foods or not. I don’t know about you, but that’s somewhat important to me, to at least have some overlap in food likes so we can enjoy each other’s company on lunches or dinners.

Also, if your coffee date or lunch date goes well, you two can continue to hang out afterward, go for a walk, or do some other activity. First dates can be awkward, especially if you’re meeting someone for the first time, but just be you and make it light. You’ll have a good time if you’re honest about what you’re looking for and what you want. Go out there and enjoy some dates!


Decided on college!


I chose my college yesterday! I paid the deposit and am going to be going there in the fall. It’s very different than going to an arts school though. It’s more sporty and it’s a more traditional college feel. I’m excited though for the experience! Nervous as hell about making friends. Excited for the Criminology and Psychology program!

My mom and I have been apartment hunting for the past two days and it’s exhausting. I liked this one place that’s like ten minutes from campus but it more expensive…my mom wants to still look because she thinks my dad will freak at the price. Hopefully we find a place… fingers crossed!


Psychology of Love

[This is a post I wrote for Ideafortoday.com and thought I would post it here too]


Ever want to know why you fall in and out of love? What makes you attracted to a person? What attracts them to you? Well, I’m going to tell you about it!

I am in love with psychology and love studying it. In one of my classes we talked about the psychology of love. That was by far one of my favorite topics we covered. I did always wonder why someone falls in love with another person and why they stopped being in love with someone. I’m about to explain Love to you guys through psychology terms.

Let’s start by defining love. It seems so simple, but do you really know what love is? Is it a noun? A verb?

In truth love is a verb. Love is a behavior. Here are two definitions that were given in class.

  • The will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing ones own and/or another’s “spiritual growth”.
  • You make a contribution to your own or anther’s well being. You do not have to feel good about the other person in order to love them.

Falling In Love (or infatuation/lust)

Signs and symptoms

  • Lots of preoccupation with the person
  • Sexualization
  • The person seems “flawless” to you

Falling Out Of Love

Signs and Symptoms

  • Low preoccupation with them
  • Low sexualization
  • Flaws go up (or you actually see them)
  • Built up tolerance to PEA

Now that we know the signs of when you fall in love and out of love, we beg the question of why?

To answer that, it all has to do with Pheromones. Pheromones are a lock and key type of deal. In our bodies we create a chemical called PEA. PEA increases in our system, which drives the “in love” stage. PEA is a chemical in pheromones that when increased, one gets a feeling of ecstasy. The problem with this, is that after a period of time, we build up a tolerance to it, which leads us to falling out of love.

Ego Boundaries

When two people are in love the boundaries overlap. It’s like a ben diagram, where two circles overlap and there’s shared space. When people fall out of love, the two circles separate, and that’s when the two people have their own space and can think and see things clearly and can be objective.

Another factor that plays into love and relationships is testosterone!


  • This is the chemical that is the source of the sex drive
  • High Testosterone people tend to be sexual, think and talk about sex, are easily aroused. Sex is also not only pleasurable but also a release for stress. They can also dress provacatively.
  • Low Testosterone people tend to not think or talk about sex, are slower to be aroused. Sex is not a stress release to them. Also they tend to dress modestly

Now why are we talking about this? Because, the levels of testosterone between two people plays an important factor in romantic relationships. Ever heard a friend complain about their significant other constantly wanting sex, or the opposite, that they never want to be romantic? Well, testosterone explains it!

If you are in a relationship, and one person is High T and the other is Low T, things tend to get complicated.

If a High T and Low T are in a relationship together, the Low T person may feel as if all they are is an object to the other person, whereas the High T may feel like the other person doesn’t love them. Sex is an important part within romantic relationship and if you find yourself in a relationship with the opposite testosterone level that you are, then you have to talk about sex and the role it plays if you want the relationship to survive.

If this is your case, then the High T person needs to spend time building up the Low T person, whereas the Low T person needs to build up empathy for the High T person with pent up sexual energy. One thing that was done in these cases was for the couple to sit down and talk about sex and how many times a week they would have sex, that way both people in the relationship got their needs met.

So if you’re in a relationship, this information could help you solve some issues you might be having. It might explain some behavior, or your own feelings. I’ll be making another post about love that might also help your dating life and relationships when it comes to communication.


A Day Of Goodbyes


Today is my last day here. I had to get Ethan to drive me to a house to get my car and we said goodbye. I was running errands all day. Then I picked up Quick Silver and Andy and we went back to my place and we talked and had a photoshoot and goofed around. Quick Silver and Andy got into some wrestling matches to steal Quick Silvers beanie. It was really funny. Then they would dance to music and I totally recorded them on my camera. I got Quick Silver to take pictures of Andy and I and then got Andy to take pictures of Quick Silver and I.


Andy was pretty ridiculous. He planned out a storyline with the images he took and let’s just say it’s not exactly PG but when scrolling through the photos together Quick Silver and I were dying when we figured out how Andy took photos of us. Andy told me to send them to him, so I will once I edit them all. Plus I’ll post them online.

I drove them back to Andy’s and said goodbye. Fuck that was sad and painful. I hugged them and blabbered on about how great they were and how I would visit and how I would miss them. I then got hugs again. I cried on the drive home.


But I will hopefully be seeing them again once I come back here in a week to pack up. I know I’ll be seeing Andy because he is taking care of Luvas while I’m gone. Then I hope I see Quick Silver.

Fuck. I am going to miss them so much. If you’ve been reading my blog, you will know how AMAZING Quick Silver and Andy have been to me this quarter. I can honestly say without them, I probably wouldn’t be here right now. They are truly amazing friends. I can only hope and pray that I find amazing friends like them when I go to my new school.



Quick Silver almost gave me a heart attack…

So I am making tea in my apartment when I get a call asking if I can give him a ride back to his dorm. I say sure. He gets in the car, and I mention this thing my therapist told me to ask him.

Sidenote- I had therapy today and because I was talking about friends and leaving and how sad I would be, she told me to ask Quick Silver to list all the qualities, inner and outer, that he see’s in me, or feels from me and why he chose me as a friend.

So I mention that he could make like a graphic design poster with his signature thing that he made and stuff, so we will discuss that further later.

But then on the ride home he tells me, “I need to talk to you about something. It’s going to be uncomfortable, and you might be upset, but- wait, I’ll just tell you when we get to the parking lot.”


My heart dropped. I thought he was going to well, I don’t even want to write it, but if you’ve read my past posts about Quick Silver you can guess what I thought he was going to confront me about.

So we get to the parking lot, he tells me to drive to the top floor for privacy. At this point my heart is racing and I’m trying to think my way out of what I think he is going to confront me about.

We almost get to the top when I see Captain America pulling out. I stop my car mid road in the parking lot, hop out and he opens his door and I give him a huge hug and ask if we can hang out before I leave. So Captain America and I will hopefully hang out tomorrow evening!


I get back in my car and park on the top level. It takes Quick Silver about 5-10 minutes before he really speaks much of anything, all the while I’m dying inside, getting nauseous.


Quick Silver comes to some epiphany, and realizes what he was going to confront me about, well it wasn’t even me. I can’t get into details because it involves Quick Silver and people in his life, but it was a mistake.

Basically he thought I was having suicidal thoughts, and was freaking out and thought I would be angry at him or something. I literally was so relieved when he told me that. I dodged a bullet! But then we got talking about many other things.

Quick Silver was very nice yesterday and mentioned how he tried not to look at my blog page much to respect my privacy. I thought that was sweet. But we got talking about Andy and his girlfriend. Fuck. This conversation was intensely painful.


We get talking about Andy’s gf and her worries and then cheating comes up. Quick Silver was like, “Well at least Andy hasn’t fucked up in a big way, like cheating.” I stay silent. I can’t betray Andy and I can’t lie to Quick Silver so I just stay silent, and then I kinda panic and say, “This is making me uncomfortable, let’s not talk about Andy and the possibility of cheating, I just don’t like this conversation.” Quick Silver was suspicious of me but dropped the conversation. I was emotionally exhausted after all that.


We then went on to talk about him a bit and how he honestly doesn’t care about romance or any of that stuff and he can’t imagine him falling in love. We have very different ideas of what we want out of our future. Quick Silver wants a successful career where he can travel. I want a successful career, with a husband, house, dog and cat.

Quick Silver and I ended up sitting in my car for at least an hour. But in all honesty, I was so glad to have hung out with him today. So far today has been an amazing day! And before leaving, Quick Silver was like, “We’re good right?” I was confused, and said, “What do you mean?” Quick Silver was like, “You’re not mad at me anymore about almost giving you a heart attack, right?” I was like, “Of course not! Totally past that. We’re good.” He replied, “Okay, good.”

Quick Silver and I will hang out saturday, the day before I leave. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I am really going to miss him and Andy.



Had an amazing weekend!


Even though its finals weekend I had a blast. I hung out with Richard and our friend that I go to group with. We went downtown and drank and just had fun. Then I had a day to myself where I got to relax and get some work done. Today I got to see that guy I had a lunch date with last week! Then after that I hung out with one of my girlfriends.

My date today went really well. He really is a sweet guy. I have definitely had fun hanging out with him.



Made Progress!!


So last night this guy that I hooked up with at the end of last quarter messaged me. So he came over and we watched Avengers…until we started making out. Then we did more, and more, and then I decided to have sex with him. You read that right. I decided. I didn’t post about him because it honestly wasn’t really anything.  This guy is a douche when it comes to himself because he is self-centered, egotistical, and narcissistic. But when it comes to women he is respectful and kind. I know, he is confusing. Never met any guy like him before.


But all I am saying is I am SO happy that I was able to have sex. I honestly thought that Owen, after that, I was broken. I thought that I would never be able to have sex again and enjoy it.

When me and the guy started, after a couple minutes I did get overwhelmed and started crying a bit. He stopped and held me, asking me if he did anything. He actually tried to comfort me… not something I’m used to. But I told him I wanted to keep going, that I just needed a minute. He also doesn’t know my sexual history of sexual assault and two rapes. I didn’t tell him. I wasn’t ready, and didn’t think I had to since I thought of last night as a one time thing. Training wheels to get me back on track with my confidence. And after I composed myself, me and him had a really fun night. I almost at points forgot that Owen raped me. It was empowering. I felt like I wasn’t broken, that I still could enjoy sex, and give enjoyment to the partner. I felt hope. I felt like I had my confidence, or some of it, back in the bedroom.

Really happy right now! 😀

Plus, I got into another college!



Lunch went well!


I had fun! I actually had fun. Of course at first I was nervous but once I relaxed I enjoyed his company. Though it was awkward because the guy who hit on me for the spine skeleton jacket I have works at Panera! He recognized me and it was awkward. But the guy I was having lunch with was nice. Quiet, shy, introverted, passive, but nice. The fact that he was a more passive and quiet guy made me feel more comfortable. When lunch was over and we were parting ways he suggested hanging out again. I think I might take him up on that.

Today I took a step forward. I feel very accomplished. I am glad I took the chance.



Decided to go to that lunch

So I am putting all fears and bullshit aside and am going to have lunch with this guy. I am literally going to have lunch with someone. That shouldn’t be something to fear. Like, seriously. Yes it’s the first meeting so that’s scary, but overall, it’s a public place. Nothing is going to happen. Just two people sitting and talking. Simple. Well, yeah, I just have to tell that to myself a million times before I believe it. But hopefully it goes well- and by well I just mean a positive experience.



Had a blast last night with friends!


Last night I hung out with a couple of my guy friends. I’ve mentioned two of the three on here. It was Arrow, Richard and another friend. Me and this other friend go to group together so we grabbed lunch after that and then later we headed downtown to meet Arrow and Richard. I got dressed up, makeup and all, and had a blast. Of course, if I hadn’t had guy friends with me I wouldn’t have gone out nor dressed up. But I wanted to dress up. We were going to my favorite place for dinner. It’s a hibachi place and the food is amazing there!

Then today me and the friend that goes to group went to see Kingsman. There was some camera stuff I didn’t like, but as a writer, I liked certain things. There were moments were it seemed a bit childish, but then there were more serious moments. Overall a pretty good film. Definitely entertaining!

Having a great weekend so far! Now time to do homework :/



I saw Ethan for the first time since…


I saw Ethan for the first time since I knew he knew about me leaving. First time since Richard told Ethan to reach out to me. I was leaving class and heading to the exit, and there he was,sitting in a chair in the common area near the entrance. I pretended I didn’t see him because it was too painful. I don’t know if he saw me, but if he did, he didn’t do anything to engage.


Ethan broke my heart today all over. And not romantically. He broke my heart as a friend. The amount of pain I feel is excruciating, but I’m dealing. Saying goodbyes…knowing you’re leaving and never seeing certain people again is so bittersweet. I hate goodbyes.



The First Step

Last night I was contacted by Andy’s old roommate at 11:30 PM who I knew through the parties they had at their place. Andy moved out and is at a new place now. But this guy who we’ll call, Adam, invited me over to watch movies. Now, this guy is open emotionally. It’s very different than what I’m used to. So in the car, he just started asking questions right off the bat, of course I dodged some of them.

When we got back to his place we watched the movie and talked. He kept asking me if I were comfortable and making sure I was okay. I guess he knew I was a bit nervous or tense. We cuddled and watched the movie and talked. He wants to pursue being a professional masseur after he graduates here. He gave me a massage, and he is pretty good. We continued talking and watching the movie.

I told him he had to open up first and we would go in baby steps. We did. He opened up, I revealed my anorexia. Then he opened up again, I revealed my self harm. He opened up. I revealed other things that I haven’t revealed here, nor wish to. We finally got down to the rape. Turns out he knows someone who was raped and all that.

He was very kind to me even though he called himself a player. He is not the normal player or does he define himself by being a player. He says he is honest about his sexuality, which is him not wanting a relationship but being fine with sleeping with people because he is leaving in a year and doesn’t want to get attached to anyone romantically.

He ended up kissing me, which hell I was scared but excited. I don’t like him, but ever since Owen I have been terrified of that first step back into normalcy with a guy. So last night we made out. He respected my boundaries, and he took me home when I asked. I originally felt really guilty after we made out because everyone kept telling me that if I stayed away from guys then all my problems would be solved. As if, keeping away from guys means I can’t get raped or something.

But this morning I don’t feel guilty. I feel unsure. I wasn’t really turned on at all throughout the making out and stuff, and it was because I was constantly on guard, a bit fearful, actually planning out how to defend myself if anything went wrong. I feel stupid, because Adam is pretty nice and did respect every time I said no. I am cynical, jaded, and cautious. I don’t trust Adam. I don’t expect anything from Adam.

I am glad, however, that I got that first step out of the way. Just kissing/making out with a guy. Figure out what it feels like now, and if anything about what I like and don’t like has changed. Because after the sexual assault, things I liked/disliked changed. Same after Monster. Now, I can’t really tell because of how hesitant I was and how I drew the line at making out. But I know that I am more hesitant. I know that I am not ready for any intimacy romantically. But I know that it is possible for a guy to think I’m attractive even though they know I’ve been raped. I know it’s possible for a guy to be respectful of my wishes.

Since Adam is the type to just be casual about his sexuality I think what turned me off most about last night was knowing it meant nothing, it was meaningless, and supposed to just be fun. To me, it wasn’t meaningless in the way that it was the first step. That’s what it meant, the first step to regaining any sexual confidence. So for that I am thankful I got that “first” experience out of the way now so I wouldn’t build it up in my head any more than I did- hence me being so scared and not being able to enjoy anything last night.




For the past three nights I’ve been having dreams with Owen and Monster in them. It’s not been fun, and I assume that’s why I keep having issues sleeping. The dreams aren’t terrifying per se. Only the one with Owen a couple nights ago was scary a bit. The ones with Monster have just been strange and nonsensical. I just don’t know how to make the nightmares stop.

Extremely tired for my 8 AM and I have a scene to film today :/


Want to Fall In Love?


Well, since Valentine’s Day is coming up there have been so many articles about love. Most are stupid. Sorry to be blunt but they are. Though, I found this one article back in January and thought I would share. I really do want to try this with someone, but I’m way to scared to do this with anyone now. Maybe one day.

To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This

Fall In Love Questions 

Did you think that was interesting? I did! I really do want to test this out one day.  Let me know your thoughts!


Update on Case and Job

So I pretty much have the job. I haven’t done the interview yet, but it’s set for tomorrow, so I am super excited!

Then I met with my official officer today and did the whole report in detail. I just have to say that this was an amazing experience compared to when I reported Monster. This officer was respectful and kind. He was understanding and he took me seriously. He didn’t play it off as if it were nothing. I don’t want to post anything revealing but let’s just say this officer made me feel like I have a chance. That’s all I’m going to say for now until the case is over.

I pray that I get the job. I pray that everything works out in the end.