The Holidays

tumblr_nxm9vpAZ081uhmuomo1_500

This year was the first year that I celebrated Christmas without my sister. If you’ve read my blog, you will know that my sister ran away a little over a year ago. Of course, we ended up finding her and she is safe, but the relationship with her is still fragile. This Christmas was very hard on my parents and granddad. Apparently my granddad cried himself to sleep a couple nights before Christmas because my sister wasn’t here.

I know I’ve been off this holiday season as well. I’ve definitely been sad because my sister isn’t here and that last christmas eve was when I was starting to really see that Cody had a porn problem.

Even with all that sadness, I think I had a pretty good holiday season over all. Cody and I spent time with my parents and granddad, and we spent time with Cody’s family.

tumblr_nfvfbihKK11qikmd9o1_500

Family. That word has always been so loaded for me. I am adopted and I haven’t really thought much of it. At least not until my sister ran away. I’ve definitely thought about it over the years at different times, but lately, I’ve felt out of place even more so than I ever have. I guess with India gone it seems so lonely. To me, India and I were always more of a family than India, me, and my parents together. Maybe because we both bonded over being adopted and felt closer to each other because of that.

I was talking with Cody about family, and how I feel so out of place. I guess I’ve noticed it more now that I’ve been in a serious relationship where family dinners and gatherings happen and I will go to them. This year Cody’s grandparents got me a Christmas present, and that means something. This year Cody’s dad and siblings got me a present that only family members get every year -socks. It’s a joke because every year the dad gets the kids socks along with other gifts, so they got me socks and other things. That moment made me feel so part of the family. And lately these days I feel more accepted by Cody’s family, not that they ever made me not feel accepted, but I feel more a part of them.

The moms side of the family had a get together yesterday and everyone on that side was there. They did a family photo thing, and one of the aunts asked me to take the family picture. That made me feel so out of place. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there, or that I was just an outsider. Of course, Cody’s mom said I was a part of the family and to not dwell on that. But I guess I was shocked at myself for being sensitive to that. I never expected myself to be sensitive to that, but I was. I think I was sensitive because Cody lately has felt like the closest thing to family that I have. With India gone, and my parents relationship being up and down, Cody has been my constant. He has been stable, and also his dad has been stable. So I guess I felt thrown when I was taking the family photo. I mean, Cody’s moms boyfriend was in the picture, and they aren’t married. I know that the boyfriend has been her boyfriend since Cody’s parents divorce, but I just felt so…rejected maybe?

tumblr_n42bxjavd31smcbm7o1_500

But besides that, the holidays have been nice. I know that New Years is coming up and that means more family get togethers and get togethers with friends, so I will prepare myself for any emotional stuff that might be brought up. I think I also want to maybe address my adoption in therapy more. I honestly haven’t thought about the fact that I am adopted until a couple weeks ago, and I actually sat down to think about how adoption has affected my life. It’s not been a bad thing at all. It’s just being adopted has always made me have a different perspective on family. Family isn’t made from blood but by people that you love.

XOXO Anna

Advertisements

Finals are Over! Education Still On the Brain…

tumblr_o2dkzy9clm1sx1tkgo1_500

I am so happy that finals are over! No more stress, finally. Cody and I are also doing really well since last wednesday when we had a therapy session together. We were having issues with initiation of intimacy, and we solved it with if the candle is lit one of us is in the mood and open to the other person initiating. It’s solved a lot of our arguments.

tumblr_n7wosoiROZ1teec32o2_500

Even though finals just happened, I am thinking about next semester already. I am even thinking further than next semester. I am really excited about school and my education, and yeah I am a nerd. I fully admit it and am proud. For the longest time I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to do with psychology. I love psychology, law, and law enforcement. So when talking to one of my professors earlier this semester about his study on jurors and then my mom suggesting watching Bull, I realized there was a whole field in psychology I didn’t know about. Trial science. I know it’s nothing like the show Bull, but from what my professor and articles online have explained, it seems very interesting. Something that I might want to pursue or look further into.

tumblr_n6ho59jGd81ts4xrso1_500

Treatment has been going well, and I have 3 weeks left before I discharge, which is really great. Center for Discovery definitely is an amazing treatment center for eating disorders. Much better than Renfrew in my experience. Tonight is family night, and Cody and my parents are coming. Also, my relationship with my mom has improved ten fold because of the family sessions we’ve been having. It’s nice, especially since Christmas is coming up.

tumblr_nbfrsrSpYX1tq4of6o1_500

Speaking of Christmas, I got presents for my parents and Cody. I don’t have any for his family, and neither does he, so later this week we have to go do that. Christmas is a great time of year but also extremely stressful the week of. So many people are rushing around shopping, driving recklessly, and so set on getting everything on their list. I know that I haven’t gotten everything I wished I could have gotten for everyone but I am doing my best not to stress about it. In reality Christmas should be about spending time with those you love more than the gifts. I know that I got Cody things he wanted, and I got my mom something she wanted, and got my dad something that I personally think he would like, but I didn’t shower them in a million gifts. It will just be nice to have Christmas morning with all of them and have a nice family breakfast.

I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season!

XOXO Anna

 

Day 6

tumblr_no2h9ro65F1s9rs2wo2_500

Lots has happened since I last posted. After I posted last I broke down completely. India came up to the attic to check on me. I poured my heart out to her and we seemed to be in a better place after that.

tumblr_mimywwFwWL1qe1upro1_400

I spent Christmas eve with Cody and his family. I met his grandparents. Dinner sucked though. Cody and I got into…or well Cody did something that hurt me but no worries we are good now. But I really wasn’t sure for a while. I really wanted to self harm but I couldn’t because I was at the dinner table when it all went down. I started using my wrist band and snapping it against my wrist just so I could focus on that so I wouldn’t break down at the dinner table. After a while that didn’t cut it and I held the band tightly against my skin and rubbed it back and forth on my wrist. I did it too much and broke skin. My wrist still hurts which sucks, but whatever at least I didn’t “really” self-harm.

tumblr_n6gk0zF1vT1sdyulzo2_250

tumblr_nh423wrOom1sliirlo1_500

Anyways, Christmas was good. I woke up and spent the first half at my house with my family and then went to Cody’s house to spend the rest of Christmas with his family. Christmas morning I talked to my dad about what happened with Cody and he is the one who helped me get over it or at least be okay about it. India bought Cody a present and she even wrote him a note. That was huge for her. When my dad was wrapping Cody’s gift he asked if he should write from “the in-laws” which I said I think Cody would like. That’s my dad’s sense of humor for you.

tumblr_nwhhdu088I1uc4xwdo1_250

Christmas at Cody’s was amazing. His family rocks. I met his aunts, uncles, and cousins. He has a big family and half of them weren’t even at the Christmas dinner. I loved my Christmas with them. I even ate normally! It was amazing. Like, growing up, I always wanted a big family and never had one and last night I knew what it was like to have a big family so to speak and it was really fun.

tumblr_n61rn7u6RJ1qikmd9o1_500

I got home today and things went back to hell. See, tonight was supposed to be hibachi with India, her boyfriend and me. But this morning before I got home my mom called me and said that Cody, me, them, and my granddad were going out to dinner. I assumed that my mom had spoken to my sister. But then I got a text from India asking me to make reservations for us tonight because she, her boyfriend, and friend were joining dinner with us.

tumblr_mg9qslfRfk1rng8zfo1_r2_500

My sister is not ready to be in a room with Cody so I figured some miscommunications had happened. Getting home I said, “there’s been miscommunication.” I talked to my parents in the upstairs TV room, and my sister’s room is down the hall so she heard everything. She got the impression that I wanted to have dinner with Cody more than with her. She was crying and I went to her room to talk to her and she was yelling at me. My dad intervened and said some stuff that I personally knew was probably the wrong thing to say in the situation. My sister got really hurt when he said that we were all on pins and needles since she’s gotten home.

tumblr_inline_n4wlvvyrBP1qb19wj

It’s true though, we all don’t know what will make her explode. She all have tried to be cautious with our actions and words. Though I’ve mentioned Cody a lot and that’s only to get her to be desensitized, which I explained to her days ago.

tumblr_mzh5ewnVPx1tom0qio1_500

So today’s plans have totally fallen apart. My sister, her boyfriend, and friend are doing hibachi without me. My parents cancelled our dinner so Cody and I are back at his house now and his dad is going to make us dinner.

tumblr_mpz2xdrsaa1qabnaqo2_250

tumblr_mjpyqeqRHP1s8unaco1_250

It’s crazy how something as simple as miscommunications about plans made us loose the progress we’ve made over the past 6 days. I honestly thought I was getting my sister back. I actually had hope. Now… everything feels crushed. My family is hoping that she calms down by tomorrow and that we can all be peaceful again.

tumblr_nwnve4fG4E1qixrmoo1_500

Cody and I might have a poker night, finally, but not sure yet. Hopefully the rest of today goes well…

XOXO Anna

Day 3

tumblr_mpz2xdrsaa1qabnaqo2_250

I got home around 11 and saw India and her boyfriend in the kitchen. After I came down from showering India said she and him were going Christmas shopping for all of us. I told her what I knew no one had gotten me yet and what was already bought for our parents.

tumblr_mbci6sXJiw1qcldlc

I went to my parents office for their Christmas party and saw Cody. While we were there India called me and asked me about what Cody would want as a Christmas gift. Now if you’ve read some of my posts about what’s been going on in our family with India, you will know that she really dislikes Cody, with a burning passion it seems. So when she called to ask what he would want for Christmas, I was floored! Maybe it’s because she saw the present he got her, and she liked it until I told her it was from him. I don’t know, but it’s progress.

tumblr_nm3y3uC30s1tvelxmo2_500

Tonight we have a family friends dinner and I am hoping that goes well. Cody is Christmas shopping today and after I blog I might go upstairs and use the xbox one that Cody and I got together and play GTA. I am a complete noob when it comes to gaming, so hopefully I can figure it out on my own.

tumblr_n0fxdnku8H1tq8mv3o1_500

Maybe I’ll post later if things change, but I am probably staying at Cody’s house again. Hoping everyone is having a great holiday season!

XOXO Anna

Day 2

tumblr_mzh5ewnVPx1tom0qio1_500

Last night was pretty bad after I posted. I almost self-harmed and India said she wanted a flight out of here. I went over to Cody’s and it saved me. I felt safe and loved.

tumblr_n6gk0zF1vT1sdyulzo2_250

Cody was so happy to see me. We cuddled and talked and he gave me the twin mattress and he slept on the floor. Today has been better though.

tumblr_m8djq7IVtg1qdd7ono13_r1_250

When I got home from therapy I talked to India. We had a real conversation about her feelings and everything that happened. She still didn’t answer all my questions. I told her half the things I wrote in the letter to her. I gave the letter to her boyfriend this morning and told him to read it and to give it to her when he thinks she is ready to read it.

tumblr_n4cf6ltT0B1sawmpoo1_500

Then after India and I talked she wanted to re-dye her hair and we did that together. It was so nice because that is our thing and we did it and we talked a lot. She told me all about her new life and the people she has met. I told her that all that I cared about was that she was happy.

tumblr_nesjvfrTuc1shqzgvo1_500

Things are looking up for day 2! My granddad will arrive within the hour. I’ll spend time with the family before I go to parkour with Cody, and then if things are still good I will probably sleep at my house tonight. I’m hoping that I keep making progress with India through this trip because I’ve gotten some of those old moments back with her today and it felt great.

XOXO Anna

My Sisters Home

tumblr_n6603pxlrY1tzdi6bo1_500

Cody was leaving just as my dad pulled in the driveway with my sister and her boyfriend. I don’t even remember if I said “I love you” to Cody before he left. He was really nervous when leaving too. I’ve never seen him like that. I was nervous also. The condition for my sister to come home was that Cody had to move out of our house while she was here.

tumblr_mzh5ewnVPx1tom0qio1_500

I tried saying “hi” to my sister and she old her boyfriend, “I just can’t deal with her right now” in an angry/annoyed tone. That hurt. It took me a while to be able to enter the kitchen where everyone was eating dinner. I finally entered and when mom was going to make me food I said I might just go out to eat. Mom told me I’m not allowed to leave the house. My sister was like, “Please let her go. That would be great.” That also hurt. I am not being acknowledged by her. She tried petting Luvas and playing with him but he is nervous around her. The only people he loves and is okay around is Cody and me.

tumblr_nnab8hqfX31u8hb0vo1_500

I decided to stay in for dinner. Probably not going to eat much… not in the mood to eat though I’m starving. It was also surreal to see my sister drinking beer at dinner. I remember how she used to be so against drinking and drugs and all that stuff. I really want a drink right now, hence why I wanted to go out to dinner. There’s no alcohol at the house I want to drink. But knowing how much of a light weight I am I wouldn’t be able to drive home after having a glass or two of proseco for a while. I didn’t want to go out to eat alone and sit at a restaurant alone waiting for the alcohol to subside.

tumblr_n8z0vbsHYi1t9jkyqo1_500

It’s day one. Nine more days to survive. I want to be able to give my sister this letter I wrote her. I hope I get the chance to, and I hope she actually reads it and doesn’t tear it into pieces.

Dear India,

I am sorry for making you feel abandoned. At least that’s what I am assuming you felt. If I made you feel that way I cannot tell you enough how terribly sorry I am. I know you say words are meaningless from me, but I hope that you can see that I am writing from my heart.

I am sorry that when I met Cody I wasn’t there for you. I am sorry I didn’t see the signs. I want you to know that I am here for you if you do ever want to talk. I know you have people for that, but if you ever do want to, I am here. If not, then that’s okay too.

I don’t know how I can make any of this right, but I want to try to make it right with you, if you want to. I am ready when you are. If you’re not ready to talk to me right now then that’s okay. I’ll be here when you are ready. And if you’re not ready to read this, then feel free to stop right now and put this away for another day when you might want to read this.

I want you to know how proud of you I am though. You have been so strong, and have been an inspiration. Sometimes I wish I had the courage that you have, especially when it comes to mom and dad. I know we aren’t on good terms right now but I want to tell you how amazing it has been to have you as my sister.

For one thing you are the funniest person I know. You always make me and people around you laugh and that’s one of my favorite things about you. You know I am not funny, and I have always envied how you seem to just do it so naturally. Honestly it’s a great quality and I hope you are still making everyone in your life laugh, including yourself.

You are always there. Ever since my trauma’s and my anorexia, when I asked for help or just needed someone to talk to you were there without judgement. You told me that everything was okay and what I was feeling was valid. That was exactly what I needed to hear since everyone else was telling me otherwise. I know that if you’re there for me like that that your friends are some of the luckiest people. Having someone who is so caring in their lives is amazing. If you treat them anything like you treat me when I am down then they have the best thing in the world- someone who genuinely cares and is patient and understanding.

Another thing I love about you is that you know what you want and you won’t let anyone else change your mind. I personally am easily swayed sometimes when people comment on my decisions, but you don’t let others opinions change anything. I like that you are that confident in yourself and your decisions. Your confidence is great and I hope you are keeping that up.

You don’t judge when someone opens up to you. I know many times I’ve been scared to open up because I am terrified that someone will judge what I am thinking or feeling, but you don’t. You can be very understanding and create a comforting environment where I feel safe enough to open up. Most people I know don’t know how to create that environment or even that kind of relationship with another person where the other feels safe enough to do so.

I am so lucky to have had you in my life. You’ve made me a better person through knowing you. You call me on my bullshit and that is another great quality. You have been a huge influence. Sometimes I think to myself “What would India do” or “How would India feel” when I am trying to decide something and get stuck. Your opinions and thoughts matter a lot to me. Maybe this is all one sided, but I wanted to let you know all this in case things between us don’t get better down the road. I miss you and love you so much. I really wish I could go back in time and change things. I know that’s not a possibility so I am going to focus on changing the future, our future.

I want to be someone worthy of having you in my life. In the past my actions might have made you feel taken for granted and if that’s the case I apologize. You are one of the most important people in my life and I want you to know that. I don’t know what actions I have to take to show that to you, but I won’t stop trying. If I fail to show you then I will try something else until I find something that works.

I’ve never been good at knowing what to do in situations where there’s conflict. The one thing I know I am good at is writing letters from my heart. This is my attempt to show you how much I care and love you. If this doesn’t work I will try something else. I just hope one day we can get on better terms.

If we don’t get past this then these past twenty years with you have been a privilege. It’s been a fun ride with great memories and stories that I’ll never forget and I’ll smile at when remembering them. If you want to talk I’m always here even if it’s twenty years down the line, I’ll always be here, waiting for you.

I love you with all my heart,

Anna

I hope she does end up reading it if I give it to her.

tumblr_nu1ae1x9KG1rnvg14o1_250

Sitting alone at the dinner table now, waiting for dinner. The pain I feel sucks. The feeling of being alone also sucks. The feeling of being scared in your own house sucks. I hate walking on egg shells in my house. I hate the fact that I want to hide in the attic and am scared to leave it because my sister and her boyfriend are here. I hate feeling scared in this house again. It’s been at least five years since I’ve felt scared in my house, and it’s been great to not be scared. I feel like an outsider in this house right now. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like it would be best if I left. But it’s day one. I have to stay. I have to try. I have to push through all this bullshit.

tumblr_n7cvr1m5d71smcbm7o1_250

My sister came in and was asking mom to make tea, and mom told her she could do it and I asked for some too. I told my sister she didn’t have to make me any but she did. She actually responded to a question I asked her. Improvement.

XOXO Anna

Holiday Anxieties

tumblr_nwhhdu088I1uc4xwdo1_250

Holidays are a great time of year where family gets together and celebrates, but this year for my family it’s tough. I haven’t really talked to my parents about their opinion and thoughts on my sister coming home with her boyfriend after running away.

tumblr_n35tlhsNaO1rac0mvo1_500

I know I’ve written a bit about this, but my anxieties are getting overwhelming. She arrives on the 21st, so I’ve got basically a week before she is home and Cody is kicked out. Part of me is so happy that she will be home, and part of me is terrified.

tumblr_nk2td60Pdo1rc3z3ro1_1280

I miss her SO much and being able to see her will be one of the best Christmas presents I could ask for. I figure she will be ignoring me for the first few days and I know that will be torture, not like all of this hasn’t already been torture, but at least it’s been torture from a far so it hasn’t had the worst affects on me. I just want to be able to talk to her and have a real conversation. I hope that she is civil with all of us.

tumblr_ny6k1ycZ0g1sexuoko1_250

We as a family know that we all failed her in our own way and all we want to do is make it up to her. We want her to know that we are here for her no matter what and we love her so much. We just hope that she gives us the chance to prove that to her.

She is one of the most stubborn people I know, and being stubborn isn’t a bad quality necessarily, but she has taken it to a whole new level. Almost half a year has gone by…. it’s insane when I think about it. Not being able to talk to her and hang out with her for that long…it’s painful.

tumblr_newatwWtwT1sbxkwko1_500

tumblr_ng87y8WSz41rycw13o1_500

Emotional pain is much worse than physical pain in my opinion, or at least it can be. I rather have broken my leg than go through this. Being in such intense emotional pain for this long is devastating. Cody has been amazing through all of this. He is understanding and patient. There are days where I’ve been suicidal, there have been days where all I wanted to do was cut, and there have been days where all I wanted to do was cry all day because of this thing with my sister. Six months of that is a lot.Of course it’s not everyday I feel those things but if I added up the days it would at least be three weeks of it.

tumblr_mzolmiHDpc1qgtf8yo1_500

I constantly feel guilty. I feel like if only I saw the signs earlier or if I had really pushed my sister to talk maybe I could have helped or she would have opened up. But my sister is a closed book. She has walls sky high, and when she thinks someone is trying to help her she shuts as tight as a clam would. She puts up this impenetrable force to keep everyone out. I refuse to give up trying to make things better with her. I don’t care how much of a wall she puts up I won’t stop trying to help her and be there for her when she is ready to accept it. That’s the key though, I have to try and fail over and over until she one day is ready to let me in.

tumblr_nrhq12L0Gl1upoxhuo1_500

tumblr_nvv746BpnC1uzc3meo1_500

tumblr_n1vs6gSqIM1s9prw9o1_250

I think my worst fear is losing her forever. I honestly don’t know how to live without her. She has been a huge part of my life. She has been my person. She has been the ONE person who never made me feel bad about my anorexia or PTSD or any of my issues. I just don’t know what to do to fix all of this. I’ve thought about it so many times. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am always doing the wrong thing. Not talking to her would be wrong, but then texting her with her ignoring me also feels wrong. I can’t figure out if she wants me to keep trying or if I should just leave her alone. If it were me I would want the person to keep trying to show me that they care, so that’s why I continue to text her. I want her to know I care.

tumblr_n61rn7u6RJ1qikmd9o1_500

I don’t know what to do or how to handle her coming home at all. I am at a complete loss. I feel like I am blind and any move I make could be fatal. But I keep trying because I care, and I want her to know that I do. I feel like there’s nothing I can do at the moment to get through to her and that’s one of the hardest things.

tumblr_n31ri56C9l1r62mtoo1_500

I also feel guilty because I feel like maybe she ran away because of how close Cody and I got in the beginning of our relationship and how I kinda totally ditched her. She keeps thinking I was choosing between Cody and her but she is wrong. I was choosing between myself and her. I never put myself first, and I finally did when I met Cody because I knew there was something special about him, and I wanted to give myself a chance at real true happiness. I feel terrible that me putting myself first hurt my sister so deeply. I don’t know how I can explain it to her or how she can forgive me. I don’t know how to forgive myself I think.

tumblr_nnmyvdtaCE1rbb9x4o2_500

Sorry that it’s such a long post, I just had to get my thoughts out so I could understand them better. I think I just have to give her space for the first couple days and then continue to try to see if she is willing to talk to me, let alone be in the same room as me. I know that healing and forgiveness can be a long process and I know that her coming home for Christmas doesn’t mean everything will go back to the way things used to be, but maybe it will be a step in the right direction.

XOXO Anna