Memorial Day Weekend


I haven’t posted since last week and that is because last week was finals, a friend visited for the weekend, and I gave Cody a surprise birthday party. I know three weeks after his birthday, which is why he never saw it coming.


But the weekend was eventful. It was nice having my friend visit. Cody loved his party. We had been arguing a lot last week and we figured out what was going on with us. It was money stress. We both had been stressed because our rent was coming up, which we paid yesterday. But Cody and I talked! We talked about it, and later that night we talked about other things that were on our minds. The fact that we talked made me feel so good.


Oh! Also we got a kitten, her name is Emily. Luvas before we got her was crying a lot and seemed lonely. We got a kitten and he originally hid under the bed for the first few days but now, a week since we’ve gotten her, and they can sit on the couch together. Luvas does need his space from her at times (like at night) but he doesn’t mind being in the same room as her or her following him around (with a couple feet in between of course). But it takes cats a while to get used to each other. That’s another thing. Cody and I have been like parents since we moved out.


Luvas, before we got Emily kept us up all night every night crying because we wouldn’t give him attention. Now Emily sometimes keeps us up, or Luvas will if Emily is causing him stress. Since I am officially out of school, and Cody still have work in the morning, I do the “night-shift” with our cats. I’ve been up since 3:30 am. I eventually got out of bed at 5:30 am and started organizing our finances and looking over bank stuff while keeping the cats occupied so Cody could sleep. I’m crazy exhausted, but at least I can nap at some point in the day so I can feel rested.


Also I got grades back! I got an A in my abnormal psych class and my police class. I am still waiting to hear from sociology, but I think I got an A…and if I did then I will have gotten straight A’s, and have a 4.0 GPA which I’ve never accomplished. So fingers crossed I got an A in sociology!

Cody just came stumbling out of the bedroom wondering why I was up…he is so cute!


Round and Round…Boys I Need Your Help!


I feel like I keep going in circles. One second Cody and I are great, we talked, things seem like it’s going to improve and get better, then a couple days go by and we are back to where we started.


I just want to know how to really be able to create positive change in our relationship. That talk we had about all the potential problems, or actual problems in the relationship…well it was okay, I guess. I felt bad because I was the one naming things that were wrong, i.e. forgetfulness, or asking him to talk to me with expressing feelings, or just wanting some quality time or even sex. I asked him what I needed to improve on, besides me losing my temper and yelling sometimes, because that is something I need to work on. Cody said nothing. That is complete bullshit, right? I am not that perfect. No one is that perfect.


Also Cody never likes any of my posts on Facebook, and I’ve mentioned to him a lot that it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about my posts. He is always liking all of his friends posts. I bet that if I didn’t even post on Facebook, there would be no connection between us except for the “in relationship with” status. I asked him the other day why he didn’t like the post about the ring on Facebook and he said he didn’t know. I asked again today when he was on Facebook but didn’t like anything on my page and then he went on my page and liked everything on my page. How meaningless was that. I am sure he didn’t read any of the articles. I guess I just wanted him to care, but maybe I was asking for too much. Maybe the solution is to stop posting about us… maybe just post things about me and my life. Not our life. Then I can’t get offended when he doesn’t like anything of mine, because it’s just my stuff, not stuff about us. I know a stupid petty thing to most people, but to me it means something, but I will just have to let that one go for the good of our relationship.

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This is our conversation from maybe 10 minutes ago. I said, “K” to something he said. He knows when I say “K” I’m not happy. I told him that I was like this way before the conversation we were currently having, I was feeling this way when we talked earlier. He said, “Ok”… this is why I feel like I’m going in circles. He didn’t care. Look at that response. I told him that when we have conversations where feelings are involved (which Cody knows that I am not happy) that we both express our feelings and not give one word answers. *sigh* Again, behaviors not changing.


Boys… I need your input here. Maybe I am being a stupid girl and not understanding how “guys are.” Cody and I recently talked about what I’ve mentioned above and even the fact that Cody just doesn’t open up to me much. Cody didn’t realize there was a problem in the relationship because he feels so close to me, which I said was because I am open with him. “I know you so well,” Cody said after guessing something I was thinking, and I replied, “Yeah you do, if only I knew you like that.” That is when it hit him that he wasn’t open much with me. I also talked to him about thought processes. I am a very introspective person. I think about why I think,do, feel things. If I feel angry at Cody I think about why and what caused it. If I feel stressed, I think about why. Cody’s normal response to any question that is not on a superficial level is “I don’t know.” My question to you guys out there is are boys not introspective? Do they just do things, say things, think things, without actually thinking about the why? Do they don’t realize why they feel a certain way? Do they not know why they would say something, or act a certain way? Or is it that boys don’t want to dig that deep in fear of finding out why? And I am not by any means saying all guys are the same, I just am wondering if the majority of guys are like this. So I would love any feedback I can get.


I want to be very patient and very understanding with Cody and not blow up at him or say anything mean. I want to express to him in a way that maybe sinks in how much of a problem these things are without hurting him or making him feel offended. I’ve tried talking to him about some of these things multiple times with some change, little change, or no change depending on what it is. Am I just not being an effective communicator? Feeling at a loss as to how to move forward… guess it’s time to start searching psychology articles…again. I just want to feel loved again, you know? I logically know Cody loves me, I see it in some of the things he does, like being late for work to make sure I’m okay. Then there are things I’ve mentioned and it’s as if I’ve been ignored because nothing changes. Is there something I’m missing? I thought I was being direct, which guys like. Well…I’m going to get back to my final paper and studying…which means getting out the alcohol. Thanks for reading my frustrations.


LARP and Recovery


Cody went to LARP this morning. We had a really nice night last night, but we didn’t end up going to Michael’s art exhibition. I was too tired. But I might see Michael at the end of the month.



This weekend I have tons of homework to do. But I also wanna do some personal homework. I want to actually write out the exercises from Life Without Ed. It’s truly made a difference. I do feel a slight separation from Ed. I am not my eating disorder and I’ve known that but never felt it, and now I feel it. It’s a wonderful feeling. I feel a sense of freedom.


Fucking Cheaters


My god does no one know how to keep it in their pants? Or actually talk to their partner? Or like actually love their partner? My friend from SCAD, my roommate, she her boyfriend cheated on her twice, with two different girls. That’s what led them to breakup months ago and I’m just finding out about the cheating.


Now Cody and I have two friends who have broken up because of the cheating. Plus a porn account requested to follow Cody’s instagram which brought up old wounds…which wouldn’t have been as bad if I hadn’t been talking about cheating with my friend. *sigh*


Worst part is the guy who cheated on her, he is fucking not letting her go. He was holding her hand and putting his arm around her because he got jealous that she was moving on with another guy!


I want to curl up under the covers, cry, and not come out because the world makes me sad.


LARP and an Old Friend


Live Action Role Play… I’ve never done it but Cody is into it. So Cody hasn’t done it in a while, because the games seemed to conflict with things we’d scheduled for. Cody wants to get back into it, which is fine. He wants me to go to one also just to try it. So I looked at the game schedules and there are 13 weekends of games that Cody will be going to,so I hope Cody enjoys them, but now I have 13 weekends where I have free…that means who the hell am I hanging out with? Serena? Well, in the summer there will be plenty of people to go party and drink with. Or I could write? I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. I really wish I actually tried harder to make friends at my new school now… but even if I did they are in the city which I wouldn’t want to take a train into the city just to see a friend.


Oh also I reconnected with a childhood friend, and he goes to NYU and is curating a show this weekend. Cody agreed to stay on friday and go with me and leave saturday morning for LARP. I think Cody is just scared that my old friend will hit on me 😛 but seriously no.We will call him Michael. I am not even sure I’ll even like Michael as a friend anymore.I haven’t seen him since I was eight years old and I’m twenty-two. Lots has changed. But if we do end up hitting it off then maybe he and I will hang out occasionally and I’ll actually be able to say I have a friend in the area.


I guess it’s times like these that make me realize how my hometown feels like it’s not mine. It’s really Cody’s. He has his friends and memories here. I have memories but not many friends, plus they don’t live around here anymore. My life really was back in Savannah, GA. But Cody and I are building a life together here… I just sometimes feel like I don’t fit in. These friends of his are his friends, not mine. Sure I know them, I’ll talk to them, and occasionally hang with them, but they aren’t my friends. Not yet…if ever. If I went to school where I live instead of the city I would hopefully have friends too. It’s just everyone at my school either knows each other because they went to high school together or they started in freshman year together. Being a transfer student is hard…


A Present for India

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I got India a ring from that Jeulia site too. I ended up following the company’s instagram and to my dismay some customers didn’t have a great experience. Some loved their rings while others complained. So hopefully the ring set Cody got me doesn’t chip like some customers said the black rings did. Some customers complained of getting the rings weeks late too. So fingers crossed that everything works out in the end…I mean those rings they designed are beautiful so it would be a shame if there were issues.


Also haven’t done my police homework yet, and my class is at 2:50 pm. I am super stressing about finals. Also I have an OBGYN appointment on monday, which is the day Cody and I are moving. See I’ve been bleeding a bit since my period ended so we are worried. Not about pregnancy but that something isn’t right? I’ve never really had this issue but I’m sure everything’s okay. It’s just annoying that we have to do that on the day we are moving :/


Breakup Drama and Finals


Last week I didn’t end up posting because of lack of time and having to deal with Cody’s friends who broke up over cheating, which I mentioned in an earlier post. She started texting me on thursday morning and throughout my first class. She mentioned suicide and self harm a lot. I got her to meet me at Grand Central and we talked and she ended up running when I tried to help her. I told her ex-boyfriend, and he contacted her family so hopefully she is getting help. I know I am being short about it in this post, but it’s just too long to write about if I went into detail.


Finals are coming up. I still am working on my Sociology paper and I have yet to begin my police paper. Then I actually have final tests in those classes and my psych class. I am super stressing because I feel like I won’t do as well as I did on earlier exams. So that’s a bit nerve wracking. Then Cody and I are moving out next monday. Next monday! It’s going to be even more stressful. I can’t wait until May is over.