Memorial Day Weekend

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I haven’t posted since last week and that is because last week was finals, a friend visited for the weekend, and I gave Cody a surprise birthday party. I know three weeks after his birthday, which is why he never saw it coming.

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But the weekend was eventful. It was nice having my friend visit. Cody loved his party. We had been arguing a lot last week and we figured out what was going on with us. It was money stress. We both had been stressed because our rent was coming up, which we paid yesterday. But Cody and I talked! We talked about it, and later that night we talked about other things that were on our minds. The fact that we talked made me feel so good.

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Oh! Also we got a kitten, her name is Emily. Luvas before we got her was crying a lot and seemed lonely. We got a kitten and he originally hid under the bed for the first few days but now, a week since we’ve gotten her, and they can sit on the couch together. Luvas does need his space from her at times (like at night) but he doesn’t mind being in the same room as her or her following him around (with a couple feet in between of course). But it takes cats a while to get used to each other. That’s another thing. Cody and I have been like parents since we moved out.

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Luvas, before we got Emily kept us up all night every night crying because we wouldn’t give him attention. Now Emily sometimes keeps us up, or Luvas will if Emily is causing him stress. Since I am officially out of school, and Cody still have work in the morning, I do the “night-shift” with our cats. I’ve been up since 3:30 am. I eventually got out of bed at 5:30 am and started organizing our finances and looking over bank stuff while keeping the cats occupied so Cody could sleep. I’m crazy exhausted, but at least I can nap at some point in the day so I can feel rested.

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Also I got grades back! I got an A in my abnormal psych class and my police class. I am still waiting to hear from sociology, but I think I got an A…and if I did then I will have gotten straight A’s, and have a 4.0 GPA which I’ve never accomplished. So fingers crossed I got an A in sociology!

Cody just came stumbling out of the bedroom wondering why I was up…he is so cute!

XOXO Anna

Round and Round…Boys I Need Your Help!

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I feel like I keep going in circles. One second Cody and I are great, we talked, things seem like it’s going to improve and get better, then a couple days go by and we are back to where we started.

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I just want to know how to really be able to create positive change in our relationship. That talk we had about all the potential problems, or actual problems in the relationship…well it was okay, I guess. I felt bad because I was the one naming things that were wrong, i.e. forgetfulness, or asking him to talk to me with expressing feelings, or just wanting some quality time or even sex. I asked him what I needed to improve on, besides me losing my temper and yelling sometimes, because that is something I need to work on. Cody said nothing. That is complete bullshit, right? I am not that perfect. No one is that perfect.

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Also Cody never likes any of my posts on Facebook, and I’ve mentioned to him a lot that it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about my posts. He is always liking all of his friends posts. I bet that if I didn’t even post on Facebook, there would be no connection between us except for the “in relationship with” status. I asked him the other day why he didn’t like the post about the ring on Facebook and he said he didn’t know. I asked again today when he was on Facebook but didn’t like anything on my page and then he went on my page and liked everything on my page. How meaningless was that. I am sure he didn’t read any of the articles. I guess I just wanted him to care, but maybe I was asking for too much. Maybe the solution is to stop posting about us… maybe just post things about me and my life. Not our life. Then I can’t get offended when he doesn’t like anything of mine, because it’s just my stuff, not stuff about us. I know a stupid petty thing to most people, but to me it means something, but I will just have to let that one go for the good of our relationship.

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This is our conversation from maybe 10 minutes ago. I said, “K” to something he said. He knows when I say “K” I’m not happy. I told him that I was like this way before the conversation we were currently having, I was feeling this way when we talked earlier. He said, “Ok”… this is why I feel like I’m going in circles. He didn’t care. Look at that response. I told him that when we have conversations where feelings are involved (which Cody knows that I am not happy) that we both express our feelings and not give one word answers. *sigh* Again, behaviors not changing.

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Boys… I need your input here. Maybe I am being a stupid girl and not understanding how “guys are.” Cody and I recently talked about what I’ve mentioned above and even the fact that Cody just doesn’t open up to me much. Cody didn’t realize there was a problem in the relationship because he feels so close to me, which I said was because I am open with him. “I know you so well,” Cody said after guessing something I was thinking, and I replied, “Yeah you do, if only I knew you like that.” That is when it hit him that he wasn’t open much with me. I also talked to him about thought processes. I am a very introspective person. I think about why I think,do, feel things. If I feel angry at Cody I think about why and what caused it. If I feel stressed, I think about why. Cody’s normal response to any question that is not on a superficial level is “I don’t know.” My question to you guys out there is are boys not introspective? Do they just do things, say things, think things, without actually thinking about the why? Do they don’t realize why they feel a certain way? Do they not know why they would say something, or act a certain way? Or is it that boys don’t want to dig that deep in fear of finding out why? And I am not by any means saying all guys are the same, I just am wondering if the majority of guys are like this. So I would love any feedback I can get.

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I want to be very patient and very understanding with Cody and not blow up at him or say anything mean. I want to express to him in a way that maybe sinks in how much of a problem these things are without hurting him or making him feel offended. I’ve tried talking to him about some of these things multiple times with some change, little change, or no change depending on what it is. Am I just not being an effective communicator? Feeling at a loss as to how to move forward… guess it’s time to start searching psychology articles…again. I just want to feel loved again, you know? I logically know Cody loves me, I see it in some of the things he does, like being late for work to make sure I’m okay. Then there are things I’ve mentioned and it’s as if I’ve been ignored because nothing changes. Is there something I’m missing? I thought I was being direct, which guys like. Well…I’m going to get back to my final paper and studying…which means getting out the alcohol. Thanks for reading my frustrations.

XOXO Anna

LARP and Recovery

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Cody went to LARP this morning. We had a really nice night last night, but we didn’t end up going to Michael’s art exhibition. I was too tired. But I might see Michael at the end of the month.

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This weekend I have tons of homework to do. But I also wanna do some personal homework. I want to actually write out the exercises from Life Without Ed. It’s truly made a difference. I do feel a slight separation from Ed. I am not my eating disorder and I’ve known that but never felt it, and now I feel it. It’s a wonderful feeling. I feel a sense of freedom.

XOXO Anna

Fucking Cheaters

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My god does no one know how to keep it in their pants? Or actually talk to their partner? Or like actually love their partner? My friend from SCAD, my roommate, she her boyfriend cheated on her twice, with two different girls. That’s what led them to breakup months ago and I’m just finding out about the cheating.

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Now Cody and I have two friends who have broken up because of the cheating. Plus a porn account requested to follow Cody’s instagram which brought up old wounds…which wouldn’t have been as bad if I hadn’t been talking about cheating with my friend. *sigh*

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Worst part is the guy who cheated on her, he is fucking not letting her go. He was holding her hand and putting his arm around her because he got jealous that she was moving on with another guy!

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I want to curl up under the covers, cry, and not come out because the world makes me sad.

XOXO Anna

LARP and an Old Friend

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Live Action Role Play… I’ve never done it but Cody is into it. So Cody hasn’t done it in a while, because the games seemed to conflict with things we’d scheduled for. Cody wants to get back into it, which is fine. He wants me to go to one also just to try it. So I looked at the game schedules and there are 13 weekends of games that Cody will be going to,so I hope Cody enjoys them, but now I have 13 weekends where I have free…that means who the hell am I hanging out with? Serena? Well, in the summer there will be plenty of people to go party and drink with. Or I could write? I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. I really wish I actually tried harder to make friends at my new school now… but even if I did they are in the city which I wouldn’t want to take a train into the city just to see a friend.

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Oh also I reconnected with a childhood friend, and he goes to NYU and is curating a show this weekend. Cody agreed to stay on friday and go with me and leave saturday morning for LARP. I think Cody is just scared that my old friend will hit on me 😛 but seriously no.We will call him Michael. I am not even sure I’ll even like Michael as a friend anymore.I haven’t seen him since I was eight years old and I’m twenty-two. Lots has changed. But if we do end up hitting it off then maybe he and I will hang out occasionally and I’ll actually be able to say I have a friend in the area.

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I guess it’s times like these that make me realize how my hometown feels like it’s not mine. It’s really Cody’s. He has his friends and memories here. I have memories but not many friends, plus they don’t live around here anymore. My life really was back in Savannah, GA. But Cody and I are building a life together here… I just sometimes feel like I don’t fit in. These friends of his are his friends, not mine. Sure I know them, I’ll talk to them, and occasionally hang with them, but they aren’t my friends. Not yet…if ever. If I went to school where I live instead of the city I would hopefully have friends too. It’s just everyone at my school either knows each other because they went to high school together or they started in freshman year together. Being a transfer student is hard…

XOXO Anna

A Present for India

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I got India a ring from that Jeulia site too. I ended up following the company’s instagram and to my dismay some customers didn’t have a great experience. Some loved their rings while others complained. So hopefully the ring set Cody got me doesn’t chip like some customers said the black rings did. Some customers complained of getting the rings weeks late too. So fingers crossed that everything works out in the end…I mean those rings they designed are beautiful so it would be a shame if there were issues.

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Also haven’t done my police homework yet, and my class is at 2:50 pm. I am super stressing about finals. Also I have an OBGYN appointment on monday, which is the day Cody and I are moving. See I’ve been bleeding a bit since my period ended so we are worried. Not about pregnancy but that something isn’t right? I’ve never really had this issue but I’m sure everything’s okay. It’s just annoying that we have to do that on the day we are moving :/

XOXO Anna

Breakup Drama and Finals

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Last week I didn’t end up posting because of lack of time and having to deal with Cody’s friends who broke up over cheating, which I mentioned in an earlier post. She started texting me on thursday morning and throughout my first class. She mentioned suicide and self harm a lot. I got her to meet me at Grand Central and we talked and she ended up running when I tried to help her. I told her ex-boyfriend, and he contacted her family so hopefully she is getting help. I know I am being short about it in this post, but it’s just too long to write about if I went into detail.

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Finals are coming up. I still am working on my Sociology paper and I have yet to begin my police paper. Then I actually have final tests in those classes and my psych class. I am super stressing because I feel like I won’t do as well as I did on earlier exams. So that’s a bit nerve wracking. Then Cody and I are moving out next monday. Next monday! It’s going to be even more stressful. I can’t wait until May is over.

XOXO Anna

 

We Signed The Lease!

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Yesterday Cody and I signed the lease to the apartment! I am so happy. We also have been building a website for my mom’s company so that’s been fun. Plus I’m getting paid too. That will help out when we move out. I also have the babysitting job, and I’ll be getting paid $20/hour, so that is also going to help out with rent. Overall things are good!

XOXO Anna

Everything Happens For A Reason

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If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know the things I’ve been through since I went to college. It’s been over three years since my first sexual assault, over two years since my first rape, and over a year since my second rape. Going through that, I honestly thought my life was pretty much over. At least romantically… even friendships seemed too hard to have.

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This past year, being with Cody, he has taught me so much. I honestly never thought I would be “over” what happened to me. I live with it everyday, but it’s not as bad as it once was. Sure I have my off days where I will blame myself, or hate myself, or tell myself I deserved to be treated that way, but there are days where I know that it wasn’t my fault, and I love myself, and I know that I should be treated with respect.

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The progress I’ve made…I never thought I would get to such a good place, especially in the after math of it happening. Especially with friends either blaming me, taking the rapists side, or leaving me. I didn’t think I could heal. But I did. I have, and am still healing every day.

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There are days where I want to still curl up under the covers and cry because when I think back to it or if I have flashbacks -which rarely happen these days- I feel unsafe and scared. But those days are rare now. They are not my everyday experience. It’s taken a long time to heal, to really think that I can be loved after what I’ve been through. To believe that I should be treated with respect. For me to be able to believe that…it’s huge.

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Because of what I’ve gone through it’s made me want to do something. Do something to help other survivors, and yes if you’ve been through this or any type of trauma you are a survivor. It takes an enormous amount of strength to get through a trauma. Be proud of how strong you are. Acknowledge it. I did. That is probably one of my favorite things about me, is how resilient I am and how strong I am. I wouldn’t change a thing about what I’ve been through. It’s shaped me into the person I am today. I am strong, determined, resilient, brave, courageous, and I don’t back down and cower. For me, going through those trauma’s really in the end made me a better person. It took time to understand that though.

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After my trauma’s I hated myself, thought I was worthless, and wanted to kill myself at times. It’s taken a long time to get to this point of self-love, and acceptance. I still struggle, but for the most part I am okay.

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I am still not at the point where I feel I can be “out” about it, but I’ve made a lot of progress with it. I am pursuing a career in justice because of what I’ve gone through, and because of what almost every one of my girlfriends tell me they’ve gone through. I want to help the survivors and stop the perpetrators. I want things to change. I want there to be better sex education in schools. I think that over the past couple years, that there have been a lot of steps forward regarding rape issues, and talking about it. Rape used to never be talked about. Now it’s everywhere.

In my police class, my professor when talking about rape, I could see how disgusted he was. He hated how hard it was to convict a rapist, and he really was upset that rape is the only crime where the victim is accused. I personally didn’t have the best experience with the police and my rapes, but just seeing my professor be so affected helped.

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I know I can’t be a cop, due to my anorexia, and I don’t know if I could cut it as a lawyer. I do want to pursue my forensic psychology studies, but I also want to be a therapist. I have helped a lot of my friends, and even my own therapist said I would be a good therapist. That meant a lot to me. She was the therapist I saw for my traumas, and I worked with her until maybe a month ago.

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I want to be able to help survivors in some way. Whether it’s helping them through therapy, or emails and talking to them, or being a volunteer at a shelter. To me, helping others is the best thing I could do with my life. I love when I can really help  a person, and keep them from making mistakes I’ve made or I know others have made. I like seeing other people succeed. That is what brings me the greatest happiness. With going through what I’ve been through, it just made it so much more clear that’s where I want my life to go; to helping others.

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Hopefully through some of my blog posts I’ve helped people or at least they’ve learned through my own mistakes. If anyone ever wants to reach out, or even just ask me a question that you would want me to post about, or have a topic you want me to write about, email me and I would love to. I want to be able to write about things you guys want to read about.

Email: anonymousannaxo@gmail.com

(anything emailed to me will stay private if you want me to answer a type of question. I will just say Reader X asked this. As you know by my blog I like to keep things anonymous because it is safer and a more open environment)

XOXO Anna

Stressed to the Max

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It’s spring break and I finished my rough draft of my Sociology paper, which I chose to write as a blog post, which I want to post once I edit it. Then I still have my police paper to write, but I have to finish listening to Serial Podcast and then I can start trying to write it. I then am meeting the child I am going to hopefully babysit on saturday. It’s not really a babysitter since she is 11, but its more of just watching her and taking her to her activities. It will help bring in some extra money, which Cody and I will need.

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I’ve mentioned that Cody and I are trying to move out. Well, it’s been hectic. Last week we saw the apartment, we LOVED it. We got the application, we filled everything out, we worked out a budget (I even am getting a part-time babysitting job)…everything is done except for his dad signing the cosign for the application. This is the application! Not even the lease. I’m scared that we are going to lose our hold on this apartment. I am praying to the gods that by the time Cody gets his dad to do the paper work and us turning it in that the apartment is still available…Fingers crossed!

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Also I’ve tried talking to India, and she is very upset. She feels our parents love me more simply because they are giving me more money for the apartment than they give her. I explained that Cody, mom, dad, and I all sat down and came up with the budget based on our spending and we even cut the budget down by $200 working with them. So I just hope India and I are okay. Cody and I are moving out simply so India can come home over the summer. She refuses to come home if Cody is here, so we are moving out for India. Don’t get me wrong, Cody and I want to move out, we just didn’t expect to be moving out this soon. We wanted to save more before doing this.

Hope everything works out though!

XOXO Anna

Stress, Cutting, and Moving Out

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It’s been a hectic couple days. Since last friday I’ve been dead tired and dizzy…all the time. I have felt like I’ve been in a dream like state, which freaks me out. Today is the first day I feel like slightly better. Then I had an exam on tuesday, so I was stressing for that. I went home early because I was so exhausted and slept the rest of that day away.

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Cody went to parkour, and my parents told me that Cody and I have to move out because India might be coming home and she refuses to come home if Cody is living there. So Cody and I have found some places we want to look at. This saturday we are going to look at a house, a house. It’s multifamily, but I think the owner lives on the first floor and then if we got the house we would get the second floor, a balcony, deck, and the attic. The description says it is a 2-3 bedroom so we would have plenty of space.

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But back to my parents telling me India might be coming home, things were stressful. See I have tried to figure out so many things I could do for Cody’s birthday and each plan keeps falling apart. So because India might come home, what I wanted to do for Cody can’t happen…at least not the way I wanted it to, and I ends dup crying over it and my dad apologized because he knows how much I’ve put into it- or was putting into it. There were some other things going on tuesday that were stressing me out, and I was extremely depressed over India possibly coming home. It’s not because I don’t want her to come home, because I miss her a lot, but because it means Cody and I have to move out within six weeks essentially. So moving, finals, and everything else…it’s just overwhelming. So I took a bath and grabbed the safety pin and cut before I even thought about what I was doing.

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When Cody got home he wasn’t happy and asked me why I did it. I explained and we talked and everything. We ended up arguing a little later but made up. I yelled at him and he made a comment about my cutting. We both did things wrong but apologized and made up.

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Cody was thinking about getting a second job possibly if need be. I personally would hate it if he had to do that, but again, Cody really wants to be able to financially support us, it’s important to him that he is capable of doing that. I don’t think I posted about Serena’s party, but it was not fun. I was exhausted. But see, Cody told me that to him, he felt like he can’t give me an engagement ring until he feels he can financially support us and that we are stable. To most women maybe it’s not romantic, but to me it was the sweetest thing to hear. I couldn’t believe he felt like he didn’t deserve to marry me if he couldn’t support us financially. I thought it was ridiculous, but I could understand where he was coming from and how he grew up. But it was super sweet because that meant he was serious about marriage and wasn’t taking it lightly. He was really thinking about the reality of it and such, which made me happy. I’ve thought about marriage in the reality way of finances, living situations, career, school etc. and how we would handle all that. I was so happy to see Cody was thinking with the same level of seriousness and maturity.

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But it’s been a stressful week. I hope that this house we see is good because it would be a freaking dream if it was good and worked out. My parents however are being… stubborn? I understand that they have been very understanding about Cody and I living in the attic of their house and financially supporting me with school and such, but they told me they wouldn’t co-sign for any place Cody and I move, and they said Cody’s dad would have to co-sign. So Cody has to mention that to his dad. I just feel like I’ll be less stressed once I know our living situation is secured. I don’t want to feel like we are going to be kicked out with no place to live.

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I feel like instead of having the time to plan our move and everything it is now rushed, which is where my stress is coming from. Before this all happened Cody and I had a plan to move out by next winter, which was nice because it meant Cody had more time to save for rent, and Cody seemed to think prices would be better in winter because no one wants to move when it’s snowing. But life threw us a curve ball, and we are handling it. Cody is completely calm and collected, and I have to say I admire him for that because I am so stressed by this. But then again that is where our personalities differ, which is fine because he keeps me relaxed but I remind him of the realities and that we need to make decisions in a timely manner. But the one thing that made me practically tear up was when Cody said that the only thing that mattered to him was that wherever we moved he wanted to make sure I was safe. He wanted to make sure that he didn’t have to worry about me if I was in the house or apartment alone without him because of crime and such. It was so sweet to hear him say that he would live in a shittier apartment if I was safe because it was a god neighborhood.

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Fingers crossed about this house this saturday, and if not this house, then one of the apartments we will see! Also at the moment I have A’s in all my classes!

XOXO Anna

Cheating and an Ignorant Teacher

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I found out that one of Cody’s friends, well his girlfriend cheated on him. Cody and I are very sad to hear that. We love both of them, and Cody’s friend told us not to treat her any differently. It just makes me sad because she is one of the only girls I get along with, so it hurts to hear that she would do something so low. I just wish she were more mature and had told her boyfriend that things weren’t working, or exactly what the issues were to see if maybe he could change things. This is why I say communication is key.

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*Trigger Warning for those with Eating Disorders*

Today I had abnormal psychology. My teacher…holy hell, I just got done venting to Cody, but my teacher is not cool. Today we studied Eating Disorders. Do you know how he started the class? He said, “At the end of class I want your opinions on whether or not you think this chapter should be taught.”

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As someone with anorexia that was extremely insensitive to hear. So, just because Eating Disorders are relatively a new diagnosis they should just be skipped over? I don’t think so. Then he proceeds to his slides on anorexia. First things first, he teaches us that anorexia’s key feature is extreme weight loss. That is true, but he made it seem like anorexics are all lanky skeletons that have wasted away and that is what anorexics all look like. They all have to be extremely underweight. He made it seem like if they weren’t under the BMI then they weren’t “officially” anorexics. I am sorry but I am 5′ 2 3/4″ and my lowest weight when I was in the worst of my disorder at age 18 was 110 lbs. I wasn’t a skeleton but I was sick. At an earlier age in high school I was 106 lbs. So weight is not the defining factor. Just because I am not extremely underweight, it doesn’t mean I’m not anorexic.

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Then he when talking about the subtypes of anorexics, which are restrictive and purging, he mentioned that purging was vomiting and over exercise. He neglected that laxatives and diuretics were also methods used. For me and my own anorexia, I would restrict, over exercise, and “purge” by using either laxatives or drinking excessive amounts of coffee as a form of laxative. That pissed me off.

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Then he has this BMI chart that shows what is considered underweight, normal, and overweight. I would have to weigh 100 lbs to be “underweight” which to me I know is underweight, but I would consider myself underweight if I weighed 110 lbs. I think anything below 115 lbs for me is not a healthy thing. So the chart was off and a student even said to the teacher that the chart does not consider one’s body type and physique. He admitted it was true, so he gets points for that.

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Then the percentage of suicide rates from anorexia seemed off. I can’t fully blame him, but anorexia is one of the deadliest psychological disorders because suicide is a issue. If you’ve read my blog you know I’ve had suicidal thoughts, and have come close to attempts. Anorexia is a huge component as to why I would want to end it all, it’s because I perceive myself as not pretty enough or skinny enough or good enough. The death records say suicide is cause of death, and they don’t say that anorexia is, so that is why the numbers are off, which he should have made aware. But he didn’t. I just feel like he didn’t completely get eating disorders.

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He also talked about anorexics and the fact that it’s not that they don’t still want to eat, it’s that they refuse. He didn’t make aware that hunger cues go away after an amount of time. Like I was telling Cody after class that I couldn’t feel whether I was hungry or not and wasn’t sure if I should eat, which I should. My teacher made it sound like anorexics still feel hunger, when in reality once you’ve had the disorder and restricted for a certain amount of time, your hunger cues are lost. That is why I could go two days without realizing I was hungry- because I didn’t feel it at all. I can still go a whole day forgetting to eat just because I honestly don’t feel the hunger cues. Half the time someone has to remind me. Only recently has my stomach begun to growl again on occasion, which I see as an improvement. I can’t tell you how many months it’s been since I’ve heard my stomach growl. Cody’s growls all the time, hence why we go eat. So my teacher messed that up too.

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Then talking about bulimia and binge eating disorders, he was alright with. Still messed some things up, but not as bad as the way he made the class perceive anorexia. I literally ranted to Cody for at least 20 minutes because I was so angry. I hated that be taught the class incorrectly on some key facts to each disorder.

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But yeah… It was annoying.It was also a very triggering class. I am having tea right now and I have a chocolate croissant…and I am finding it extremely difficult to even try to take a bite of it.

XOXO Anna

 

Venting

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I need to vent, like really vent, so as I write this most of this is just a feeling in the moment. I am really annoyed at Cody for one. I am annoyed because I put in a lot of effort into the relationship, and sometimes I feel like I still don’t put in enough, yet, from my point of view, it seems that Cody has gotten complacent. He seems to think we are okay. Not that we aren’t, per se, but my fucking god sometimes guys are the most clueless people when it comes to relationships. I get it girls also have their own problems when it comes to relationships but I am just frustrated to the point of exploding, and part of that is probably PMS to be completely honest.

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I know that women have the tendency to communicate indirectly and men communicate directly. There is a huge difference, thus lots of miscommunication. Then there’s the fact that women tend to be more tuned to relationships than men. Women have read romance novels, watched movies, read articles about relationships, and for the most part women seem to be informed on relationships, whereas it seems men aren’t always there. The tendency seems to be that men aren’t as aware of relationships needs and such.

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But with Cody right now I just am…I don’t know. I have a real issue when it comes to telling him what I want, because I don’t want to feel selfish. Then I have a problem when it comes to disagreeing with him on what to do, because I don’t want to be the one who is a “joy kill” or something like that. All he wants from me is to tell him what I want…

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I just feel like Cody is content and complacent and has no drive right now. I mean, yes he is doing well at my parents company, and he says he is going to apply to school and do summer classes. Key word is says, Cody has a tendency to not follow through, which I try my best not to get too upset at. I also… we are so different when it comes to ambition. I have a lot of ambition and drive, and I work, and I am serious, and I know actions have consequences. Cody is laid back, lazy, content, and a dreamer. Maybe that’s why I can get frustrated with him because all of it is talk with no action or reality behind it. When I talk, there is real commitment and action to make whatever I’m talking about happen.

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Then conversation…holy fuck. Lately every conversation is about video games, LARP, or cars. I know he is passionate about cars, that I don’t mind as much hearing him talk, because he wants to work on cars…so there a goal aspect to that conversation. Video games and LARPing…it’s childish? Or immature? Or just not my cup of tea to talk about. I’ll leave it at that.

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I rather us talk about meaningful things….like, oh…I don’t know… School, jobs, career, coffee shop, relationships, plans, future goals, politics, or any topic that actually requires brain power. Sorry if it sounded harsh, again venting to get my anger out so when I get home I don’t yell at Cody, but rather have a calm conversation.

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Part of this rant was inspired by this article, which I agreed with on certain things. I just…I feel like I think about Cody and his wants and needs more than he does for me. Maybe he thinks about me just as much… I wouldn’t know. But I don’t know I just… he has the life. He has a job, a girlfriend, friends, rent free living, etc. I do chores, I go to school, and I’ve got him and then my friends are in Savannah. Speaking of friends Andy texted me today about what word I would use to describe him for his film project, and I told him either “badass” or “protector” because he is both. I also told him I needed to talk to him. I was supposed to talk to him like last week but it didn’t happen. I was going to talk to him about Cody and the temper Cody threw at that dinner. I am over Cody’s temper. But I do want to talk to Andy about how I can get Cody to care.

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When I say care, I mean I *****want him to want to***** talk to me about his goals in life, his aspirations, the future (and if i’m in it), plans, school, etc. If he doesn’t want to then we won’t talk about it because then it’s meaningless. I just want to know that he does intend to stay on the path to success, and yes I said that. He, being a dreamer, wants tons of money and nice cars and all this fancy superficial bullshit that I personally couldn’t care less about. The problem is it’s all talk and no action or anything to back it up. It’s empty words. It frustrates me that he lives in a dream world while I’m stuck here in shitty reality. If we both were dreamers we would have no money no careers no family no nothing! But if we were both in reality we wouldn’t have any fun. I know it’s good that we are different in that way, but sometimes I just want to know that he might have maybe one serious bone in his body? Please? I don’t want to keep us both afloat. I want a partner, a team mate, who can help me out. I don’t want to feel like I’m in a relationship where the dynamic is that I am the mother who cares for the child. I want a man, by my side, who can keep up. Not saying he isn’t, it’s just he doesn’t always act like that.

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Maybe I expect too much though. He is twenty one. He still has a lot of maturing to do, as well as myself. But I just have always been serious, determined, and ambitious, ready for a serious relationship and the real world. Well, maybe not all of the real world, but still. I just want to know I’m not alone in all this, you know?

XOXO Anna

Family Dinner, Hot Temper, and Critisisms

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Monday night Cody and I went to his sister birthday dinner. Their mom and grandparents were there. On the way to dinner Cody and I got in a fight about his driving. Then at dinner Cody was still angry and when he passed my phone to me his sister had texted me. She said something that shocked me and I couldn’t believe she said that so I laughed. Cody thought I was laughing at him, and he knocked my phone out of my hand. Everyone at the table was shocked.

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I was not happy about Cody’s temper. Yesterday when I got back from the city we went to our favorite bar and we talked about his temper and why he lost it. I had to play therapist because if I asked him why he got mad he would shrug. I had to ask questions that made him think deeper than the superficial level. I am not trying to say Cody cannot get to a deeper level of realization, I’m just saying he needs a push to get there.

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I also had my police and abnormal psych exams yesterday. When I told my dad that I had to guess on five questions my dad said, “Why didn’t you know the answers? You need to study harder.” I studied a lot. Cody did end up helping me monday night with studying which I appreciated, because in my last post I was writing about how he didn’t help me.

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Then yesterday I told Cody that Serena wanted to hang out with me soon. I said possibly it would be friday. I’ve let him have two guys nights where I stay in and do my own thing while he enjoys his friends. I got annoyed and upset when he said he would go out with his friends that night then too. I got annoyed because I already have issues with guys nights, because of past experiences, and it took  a lot for me to give him two guys nights within a short time period. I told him I just don’t want to be anxious while I’m out with Serena, which he understood. But before he got to the understanding point, he called me controlling and said he didn’t have any freedom. That comment has stuck with me, and I feel like shit.

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I know I should trust him, but there are times where my mind is very irrational and I worry. I worry about him either drinking too much or cheating (which I know he wouldn’t do). But I just… bleh. That comment really hurt me. So from now on I am going to do my best to just not worry about that. I am going to let him go out with his friends for guys night whenever. Even if I’m not totally okay with it I want to be able to let him go out. I don’t want to come off as controlling. Cody did apologize for saying that and said he didn’t mean it, but I feel like he secretly did mean it.

XOXO Anna

Broken Promises and Disappointment

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If there is one quality that Cody has that is bad it’s that he never sticks to his promises. Well I won’t say never but 75% of the time I know if he promises something it’s not going to happen.

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Yesterday we did what Cody wanted for the most part. He played video games while I studied. We had sex. We went to my favorite restaurant for lunch (which was the only part of yesterday I enjoyed besides sex). We then went to this expensive coffee bar. We then came home and we were supposed to study together because I asked Cody to help me. One of his best friend was leaving today to go back to school so last night was his last night in town, I told him to go have a boys night. (If you’ve read my posts you will know I have issues with boys nights so I was very generous.) He said today would be our day.

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We went to brunch this morning with his dad which I actually really enjoyed. Then we went to his bank to settle an issue. We went to his dad’s house to do his tax form. His brother then joined us to go to Barnes and Noble. We then all went back to our house and we did archery and some shooting. His brother wanted to get his jacket and cigarettes and come back to keep doing it. Cody said, “Don’t you have homework to do?” I replied, “Yeah. I’ll actually go do that now and you guys can keep playing.” I knew it was going to be too good to be true that Cody was actually going to help me with my homework. What in the world was I thinking? He can’t even do his own homework, so how is he supposed to help me. Stupid me.

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So I am taking a quick study break. I have more than half my police exam material memorized. Also in Psychology we talked about alcohol and how it actually can help memory. So I am having a glass of prosecco while I study to test that theory. Anyways, I guess I’ll get back to studying alone. I guess I am just a bit sick of getting let down. I knew when Cody said that today would be our day, I knew he meant it when he said it…it’s just he has a habit of switching plans. If something “better” or “more fun” comes up we do that. It’s not that I didn’t kinda enjoy his brother’s company…it’s just today wasn’t our day. It was his day. I hope next weekend we can do what I want.

XOXO Anna

Dinner with Mom

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Last night’s dinner was hell. I haven’t had time to post for the past couple days and finally I have time. My parents have been on my ass to get either a job or internship this summer once school gets out. Also because my parents have been constantly criticizing Cody and me we wanted to move out. I don’t know where Cody and I stand on that at the moment, but I personally think I still want to move out. I just can’t take my parents treating me like I’m in high school. I’m 22 years old and I should be able to make my own decisions.

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But last night at dinner Cody, me, and my mom were drinking and eating while talking about me. Talking about how my mom thinks I am weak, a child, and dependent. It’s true that I am financially dependent on them. But to call me a child and weak? I feel like that was uncalled for. Also she said my life is a mess right now and I need to get my shit together.

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If you’ve been reading my blog, you will know that right now my life is the most together it’s been in over three years. I am going to school and am in a healthy relationship. Back at my old school I was dealing with my trauma’s and stuff. I was not in a good place. But I finally am. I haven’t self harmed in almost six months. I’ve basically stopped drinking aside from the occasional drink with dinner, and I am going to school. I feel like my life is pretty together at the moment.

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Cody couldn’t believe that my mom didn’t pick up on my sarcastic acting last night. I basically just agreed with everything my mom said to please her and she loved it. She loved the me I was faking. She said, “Where did this Anna go? I’m glad she is back.” That implies that I used to be a kiss ass. Which I wasn’t. I am raging pissed because now my mom and dad are going to be infuriated if I don’t find a job or internship for the summer. Their definition of an acceptable job for me is being a waitress where I make $300-$400 a night in tips. That’s not possible for me to do.

I just hope that when I tell my mom last night was a huge lie she doesn’t freak on me. There’s just all this pressure and I feel like I’m drowning in it.

 

XOXO Anna

Had The Flu

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I’ve had the flu all weekend and this week. I went to the doctor yesterday and got a note because I wasn’t going into the city with a high fever to take my first exam. I emailed my professor and he said we could reschedule if I had a doctors note. I was so thankful! I was really worrying because I hadn’t made my flashcards and every time I tried I couldn’t focus. Today is the first day I haven’t had a fever and I got all my notecards done and have been studying a bit. Cody said he was going to help me later tonight with studying, so that should be helpful!

XOXO Anna

Sui Died …

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For those of you who have been reading my blog for over a year, you probably know that I have, or had, a fish named Sui. I don’t get attached to fish usually, but Sui really got me. Yesterday my mom changed his tank, and yesterday he seemed so happy. He was swimming up to the top and then diving in the helmet and being really playful.

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This morning when Cody and I came downstairs, my mom asked me if Sui usually would wrap himself around the filter, to which I said no. I put the net in to see if he would move, and when he didn’t my heart dropped. I got Sui away from the filter and he sunk to the bottom, lifeless. Cody saw I was getting really upset so he pulled me away from the tank and hugged me as I proceeded to shed some tears. I couldn’t really lose it because we were going to breakfast, so I kept myself together but I was very sad.

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I decided that I was going to get a new fish. I couldn’t stand the thought of Sui’s nice tank being empty. Plus I just got him a new filter and heater because the old ones broke, hence why we changed the tank. So Cody and I went to get a new fish after breakfast. We haven’t named him yet, I still want to see what his personality is like. But here is a picture.

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Not the best pictures. He won’t stay still. He really likes the tank though. He won’t stop swimming long enough for me to really get a picture. But I am still trying to figure out what to name him. My sister said she thought he should be named Envy because he has a green tint. I personally think he would have to be a darker colored fish to be called that. I’ll eventually come up with a name. And yes, I really am writing a post about a fish.

XOXO Anna

Sex and Anorexia

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When we are younger we grow up thinking sex is something amazing, flawless, and something you do only when you love the person. At least that’s how I was introduced to sex. Sex seemed like this special thing that happened once you were mature enough to experience it. The way society portrays sex in movies or in TV shows further pushed that message. In the movies, there are two attractive people, and the experience is perfect and amazing. In reality sex is not always so smooth. What society fails to portray is that sex can be awkward. It can be funny, it can be intimate, it can be embarrassing, it can be scary, it can be violent, and so on.

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Sex for me was awkward and pleasurable for the most part before the rapes. Sex then turned into something scary. I was terrified by intimacy and never wanted it. Anorexia also built up a wall between intimacy. I remember every time I was doing anything sexual with Ethan I was so self-conscious about my body that I couldn’t really enjoy whatever we were doing. With other guys, like one night hookups, it wasn’t as much as a problem-mainly because I was intoxicated to some degree I couldn’t be bothered to think about that. With Eric sex was intimate at times, which was new for me. It was scary.

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Sex with Cody these past eight months has been amazing. There have obviously been the ups and downs. The times were it ended because of my flashbacks, or times I would start crying in the middle of it. But besides those times, sex was something that was intimate most of the time, which I had never had. Anorexia has sometimes gotten in the way. This past week it has gotten in the way. I have been super self-conscious of my body, like insanely so that the anorexic voice in my head has been beating me all week. I’ve definitely restricted this week.

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Last night sex sucked not because Cody isn’t great at sex, but because I was so disgusted with myself and how I looked that I couldn’t get into it, thus not feeling anything. Today we had sex and I started crying a bit, and then we talked and later had amazing sex. But that amazing sex we had…I was damn exhausted. After we were done and went to clean off, I was dizzy. I still am. I’ve been doing my sociology homework, kind of. I should do my police work but I don’t know if I have the mental energy to concentrate on that podcast. Also we are going to see a movie later, so I have to get my work done now.

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I just want to sleep. But I can’t. My memory sucks right now, I’m exhausted beyond belief, my moods are everywhere, and all the other stupid anorexia stuff slowly is coming back. Anorexia is a killer.

XOXO Anna

Peer Counseling

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Yesterday after my police class I saw a peer counseling table and went over. The student and I ended up talking a lot and he showed me where the counseling center was. He said I should email the person in charge of the Peer Counseling program and see if I get in. So I think I will email them and see what happens. It would be a cool opportunity.

XOXO Anna