I need to vent, like really vent, so as I write this most of this is just a feeling in the moment. I am really annoyed at Cody for one. I am annoyed because I put in a lot of effort into the relationship, and sometimes I feel like I still don’t put in enough, yet, from my point of view, it seems that Cody has gotten complacent. He seems to think we are okay. Not that we aren’t, per se, but my fucking god sometimes guys are the most clueless people when it comes to relationships. I get it girls also have their own problems when it comes to relationships but I am just frustrated to the point of exploding, and part of that is probably PMS to be completely honest.
I know that women have the tendency to communicate indirectly and men communicate directly. There is a huge difference, thus lots of miscommunication. Then there’s the fact that women tend to be more tuned to relationships than men. Women have read romance novels, watched movies, read articles about relationships, and for the most part women seem to be informed on relationships, whereas it seems men aren’t always there. The tendency seems to be that men aren’t as aware of relationships needs and such.
But with Cody right now I just am…I don’t know. I have a real issue when it comes to telling him what I want, because I don’t want to feel selfish. Then I have a problem when it comes to disagreeing with him on what to do, because I don’t want to be the one who is a “joy kill” or something like that. All he wants from me is to tell him what I want…
I just feel like Cody is content and complacent and has no drive right now. I mean, yes he is doing well at my parents company, and he says he is going to apply to school and do summer classes. Key word is says, Cody has a tendency to not follow through, which I try my best not to get too upset at. I also… we are so different when it comes to ambition. I have a lot of ambition and drive, and I work, and I am serious, and I know actions have consequences. Cody is laid back, lazy, content, and a dreamer. Maybe that’s why I can get frustrated with him because all of it is talk with no action or reality behind it. When I talk, there is real commitment and action to make whatever I’m talking about happen.
Then conversation…holy fuck. Lately every conversation is about video games, LARP, or cars. I know he is passionate about cars, that I don’t mind as much hearing him talk, because he wants to work on cars…so there a goal aspect to that conversation. Video games and LARPing…it’s childish? Or immature? Or just not my cup of tea to talk about. I’ll leave it at that.
I rather us talk about meaningful things….like, oh…I don’t know… School, jobs, career, coffee shop, relationships, plans, future goals, politics, or any topic that actually requires brain power. Sorry if it sounded harsh, again venting to get my anger out so when I get home I don’t yell at Cody, but rather have a calm conversation.
Part of this rant was inspired by this article, which I agreed with on certain things. I just…I feel like I think about Cody and his wants and needs more than he does for me. Maybe he thinks about me just as much… I wouldn’t know. But I don’t know I just… he has the life. He has a job, a girlfriend, friends, rent free living, etc. I do chores, I go to school, and I’ve got him and then my friends are in Savannah. Speaking of friends Andy texted me today about what word I would use to describe him for his film project, and I told him either “badass” or “protector” because he is both. I also told him I needed to talk to him. I was supposed to talk to him like last week but it didn’t happen. I was going to talk to him about Cody and the temper Cody threw at that dinner. I am over Cody’s temper. But I do want to talk to Andy about how I can get Cody to care.
When I say care, I mean I *****want him to want to***** talk to me about his goals in life, his aspirations, the future (and if i’m in it), plans, school, etc. If he doesn’t want to then we won’t talk about it because then it’s meaningless. I just want to know that he does intend to stay on the path to success, and yes I said that. He, being a dreamer, wants tons of money and nice cars and all this fancy superficial bullshit that I personally couldn’t care less about. The problem is it’s all talk and no action or anything to back it up. It’s empty words. It frustrates me that he lives in a dream world while I’m stuck here in shitty reality. If we both were dreamers we would have no money no careers no family no nothing! But if we were both in reality we wouldn’t have any fun. I know it’s good that we are different in that way, but sometimes I just want to know that he might have maybe one serious bone in his body? Please? I don’t want to keep us both afloat. I want a partner, a team mate, who can help me out. I don’t want to feel like I’m in a relationship where the dynamic is that I am the mother who cares for the child. I want a man, by my side, who can keep up. Not saying he isn’t, it’s just he doesn’t always act like that.
Maybe I expect too much though. He is twenty one. He still has a lot of maturing to do, as well as myself. But I just have always been serious, determined, and ambitious, ready for a serious relationship and the real world. Well, maybe not all of the real world, but still. I just want to know I’m not alone in all this, you know?