Date Night!

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Last night was awesome at the theatre! They had reclining leather chairs, and they were in sets of two’s so when both chairs were reclined it was really easy to cuddle. Dinner before wasn’t that good though. I am not a fan of buffalo wild wings, but Cody loves it. Also there were some triggers on the way there, so I was definitely off until we got to the theatre. But let me tell you, watching a movie like that was amazing. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go to a normal theatre again and enjoy it as much.

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School starts next week and I am extremely excited! I can’t wait to see what my police class is like. I started reading the textbook too because I’m just that much of a nerd. I am just so ready to get back into school.

XOXO Anna

Big Date and Cody’s Surprise

This past weekend Cody and I had our fancy date at the restaurant his mom works at. I swear it was an amazing night. I wore this beautiful new dress I got while I was out of the country. Cody got all dressed up too. We took my moms Range Rover out, and Cody drove. At the restaurant we sat outside overlooking the street. The lighting, the mood, it was all perfect.

It was like being in a fairy tale. No lie. I honestly felt like a princess.

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Then on Sunday we go out to brunch, we are taking my mom’s Range Rover again. I’m driving this time. We get in the car after brunch and I turn on my camera because I know my phone is going to give away the location. Cody’s face when he heard the casino’s name was great. Of course taking Cody to a casino wasn’t the whole surprise, but he seemed pretty happy when he figured out the casino.

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When we got there I filmed again. Cody snapped at me for filming, and I felt bad, but I held my ground and told him he would have to put up with it. Like seriously, he better not be snapping at me in the future like that, it kinda hurt my feelings. But anyways, the anticipation is building as we are walking through the hotel lobby, and we are outside the hotel waiting for a car. I give him the folded paper I had with the information of what we were doing.

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He was like a little kid on Christmas! He could not believe that I got him 7 laps in a Ferrari 458 Italia (one of his dream cars). It was an early Christmas present. It was so much fun! I filmed again. He told me to stop filming him like 5 times through out that day. But it was amazing to see him so happy and full of life. He really needed it after having such a lousy week at work.

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Then my mom told me that there was a position open at her company, and Cody has an interview on thursday. I hope he gets the job because it’s better hours, better pay, and another perk to this would be that because Cody is over all the time, as in it’s kinda like he lives here, my parents said if he gets the job at their company, that they would look for an apartment for Cody and I. My mom and I talked this morning and she was like, “You’re 21, and you need your own place. Also Skyler has been living with her boyfriend since she was 19. So you deserve your own place.” Skyler is a frenemy that…well that’s a long long long story that maybe I’ll tell one day.

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But if Cody gets his job, if I get a job, then my mom said that if we found a place to move into beginning in October we could do it. I told Cody about the job and the apartment thing. When I got out of the shower last night Cody told me he had been looking at apartments. I honestly had no idea he… I don’t know. I honestly was floored when my mom said that she would find Cody and I an apartment if he started working for my parents. I was still processing. Cody seemed to be totally game for it and started actually looking. I am not going to lie, I wasn’t sure whether to mention to Cody that my parents said that because I like letting the guy take lead in the relationship, as in taking the next step and all. So me, saying that my parents were willing to find us a place was really scary and big for me. I wasn’t sure what he would think of the idea. I’m glad he was excited though. That’s always a good response. I do hope he gets the job, not because we will get to move out together, but because it’s better pay and better hours and Cody deserves it.

XOXO Anna

Fancy Date and Breakfast Together

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Last night Cody and I went out on a date. He wanted us to dress up so we did and we went to dinner. After that we headed back to my house and played ping pong platted some music, and made out and watched Transformers. Then this morning I had therapy and Cody slept in. When I got back he wanted to make me french toast since I love it. We went out to the grocery and got the ingredients and then he made us some. It was really good! We had such a fun day together with just eating and talking and relaxing. He is off playing D&D and I have to pick my sister up from the dentist, that is, if she lets me know to pick her up.

She is still royally pissed at me. Mom says we will have another family talk about Cody coming over and stuff. My parents are stressed because they have a show next week and will be gone. They don’t want to leave me and my sister home alone together if we aren’t even speaking.

Cody and I are hopefully going to go see Jurassic World tonight and hopefully my family gets to talk this evening and we work things out. I hate conflicts and I hate that every member of my family has a problem with me…

XOXO Anna

First Date and Treatment

Though Cody and I couldn’t go to a movie we still hung out. We originally met up at a bar because he wanted a couple drinks after work and then we went to the coffee shop and got coffee. I didn’t have anything even though Cody was telling me he would get me anything. We talked more about my eating disorder and it’s really sweet of him to want to help me but I told him it’s not his job. He still responded with he felt bad and wanted to do whatever he could. I’ve learned a lot through having an eating disorder while seeing someone.

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Back when I first realized I had anorexia Ethan wanted to help me with my disorder. He said the one thing that would make him happy was either helping me or curing me of my disorder. It wasn’t until later that I realized how unhealthy that was. His happiness relying upon how well or sick I was.

I appreciate that Cody says he wants to help, and he even said that he knows nothing about psychology or anything which makes him feel like he doesn’t know at all how to help. I thanked him and tried to make it clear that my anorexia was my issue to resolve. I did try to explain the disorder a bit more, like that sometimes I’ll look in a mirror and I won’t see what everyone else see’s, or that I hate shopping because my weight will change on whether I am eating or not.

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Cody then said we had time to go bowling instead of a movie that way we would still have our first date. I totally jumped at that idea. Bowling was so much fun. The first game I totally kicked his ass! I’m quite competitive and I got a score of 94 and he got a score of 33. Then the second game he kinda kicked my ass, I got a score of 66 and he got a score of 93. And while we played he kissed me! In public! It was such a high. Then he had to go to his work meeting and he asked to hang out after his meeting. I just told him I couldn’t be out too late.

So I got home and had my mom make me dinner. I also sat down with my parents and said I needed to go back to Renfrew. They said okay, obviously. After I ate dinner which took like an hour to eat, Cody got out of work and came over to watch Dexter.

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We also made out while watching it which was nice. I was so tired. Like, you know when you’re so tired you feel like your drunk or wasted? I was that tired. We went up to my room and we made out and part of me wanted him to stay over but part of me knew better. Cody said he shouldn’t stay you know didn’t want it to be too much. I agreed though. That also scared me, that I wanted him to stay. I mean, yeah I was having a rough day with Owen thoughts and really wanted comfort but the fact that I wanted comfort from someone else scared me. It scared me that I trusted Cody or liked him enough to believe that he could comfort me.

This morning I called Renfrew and I have an assessment on monday. Cody texted me and we’ve been texting today. I am crazy exhausted though, so I’m probably going to take a nap later and Cody said he would call me so I wouldn’t sleep the day away. That’s sweet of him.

I just hope I can get the eating or -lack there of- under control. I know there are reasons why I don’t wanna eat, like Owen and having to do EMDR, and Cody because I do like him and that scares me, and nerves about going to a new school and whether I’ll fit in or not.

XOXO Anna

Quick Silver almost gave me a heart attack…

So I am making tea in my apartment when I get a call asking if I can give him a ride back to his dorm. I say sure. He gets in the car, and I mention this thing my therapist told me to ask him.

Sidenote- I had therapy today and because I was talking about friends and leaving and how sad I would be, she told me to ask Quick Silver to list all the qualities, inner and outer, that he see’s in me, or feels from me and why he chose me as a friend.

So I mention that he could make like a graphic design poster with his signature thing that he made and stuff, so we will discuss that further later.

But then on the ride home he tells me, “I need to talk to you about something. It’s going to be uncomfortable, and you might be upset, but- wait, I’ll just tell you when we get to the parking lot.”

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My heart dropped. I thought he was going to well, I don’t even want to write it, but if you’ve read my past posts about Quick Silver you can guess what I thought he was going to confront me about.

So we get to the parking lot, he tells me to drive to the top floor for privacy. At this point my heart is racing and I’m trying to think my way out of what I think he is going to confront me about.

We almost get to the top when I see Captain America pulling out. I stop my car mid road in the parking lot, hop out and he opens his door and I give him a huge hug and ask if we can hang out before I leave. So Captain America and I will hopefully hang out tomorrow evening!

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I get back in my car and park on the top level. It takes Quick Silver about 5-10 minutes before he really speaks much of anything, all the while I’m dying inside, getting nauseous.

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Quick Silver comes to some epiphany, and realizes what he was going to confront me about, well it wasn’t even me. I can’t get into details because it involves Quick Silver and people in his life, but it was a mistake.

Basically he thought I was having suicidal thoughts, and was freaking out and thought I would be angry at him or something. I literally was so relieved when he told me that. I dodged a bullet! But then we got talking about many other things.

Quick Silver was very nice yesterday and mentioned how he tried not to look at my blog page much to respect my privacy. I thought that was sweet. But we got talking about Andy and his girlfriend. Fuck. This conversation was intensely painful.

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We get talking about Andy’s gf and her worries and then cheating comes up. Quick Silver was like, “Well at least Andy hasn’t fucked up in a big way, like cheating.” I stay silent. I can’t betray Andy and I can’t lie to Quick Silver so I just stay silent, and then I kinda panic and say, “This is making me uncomfortable, let’s not talk about Andy and the possibility of cheating, I just don’t like this conversation.” Quick Silver was suspicious of me but dropped the conversation. I was emotionally exhausted after all that.

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We then went on to talk about him a bit and how he honestly doesn’t care about romance or any of that stuff and he can’t imagine him falling in love. We have very different ideas of what we want out of our future. Quick Silver wants a successful career where he can travel. I want a successful career, with a husband, house, dog and cat.

Quick Silver and I ended up sitting in my car for at least an hour. But in all honesty, I was so glad to have hung out with him today. So far today has been an amazing day! And before leaving, Quick Silver was like, “We’re good right?” I was confused, and said, “What do you mean?” Quick Silver was like, “You’re not mad at me anymore about almost giving you a heart attack, right?” I was like, “Of course not! Totally past that. We’re good.” He replied, “Okay, good.”

Quick Silver and I will hang out saturday, the day before I leave. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I am really going to miss him and Andy.

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XOXO Anna

Had an amazing weekend!

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Even though its finals weekend I had a blast. I hung out with Richard and our friend that I go to group with. We went downtown and drank and just had fun. Then I had a day to myself where I got to relax and get some work done. Today I got to see that guy I had a lunch date with last week! Then after that I hung out with one of my girlfriends.

My date today went really well. He really is a sweet guy. I have definitely had fun hanging out with him.

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XOXO Anna

Lunch went well!

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I had fun! I actually had fun. Of course at first I was nervous but once I relaxed I enjoyed his company. Though it was awkward because the guy who hit on me for the spine skeleton jacket I have works at Panera! He recognized me and it was awkward. But the guy I was having lunch with was nice. Quiet, shy, introverted, passive, but nice. The fact that he was a more passive and quiet guy made me feel more comfortable. When lunch was over and we were parting ways he suggested hanging out again. I think I might take him up on that.

Today I took a step forward. I feel very accomplished. I am glad I took the chance.

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XOXO Anna

Decided to go to that lunch

So I am putting all fears and bullshit aside and am going to have lunch with this guy. I am literally going to have lunch with someone. That shouldn’t be something to fear. Like, seriously. Yes it’s the first meeting so that’s scary, but overall, it’s a public place. Nothing is going to happen. Just two people sitting and talking. Simple. Well, yeah, I just have to tell that to myself a million times before I believe it. But hopefully it goes well- and by well I just mean a positive experience.

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XOXO Anna

I’m being really harsh to myself

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I am being really mean to myself. I’m admitting it right now. I am kicking myself for turning guys down. I feel like I should be normal. I feel like I shouldn’t let Owen raping me affect me. But I can’t help it. Guys are very scary to me right now. See I’ve been turning down any guy who asks me out. But tonight I actually accepted getting lunch with a guy on sunday. Though who know’s if I’ll chicken out.

But for the most part I am very scared of men and distrustful. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know that’s not good. I know I shouldn’t expect men to be violent towards me, but at this point in time I can’t help it. I know in time, I will heal.

But I’ve been hyper-critical of myself for not being ready and okay with guys. I need to give myself a break and treat myself a bit better and not constantly be telling myself that I should be “normal”. I will eventually get back to normal, but for now, I am on the cautious side and that’s okay.

XOXO Anna

Got hit on in Panera

Yesterday I got to Panera before my mom got there, so I ordered. I was wearing a black cardigan with a design of a skeleton down the spine. So as I’m walking to grab soda some guy says, “I don’t mean to worry you, but I can see your spine.” And I laughed. It was original and unexpected.

As I was waiting for my order he came over to wait for his and he introduced himself and he asked my name and stuff. My mom eventually got there and my order was ready so I left to eat with my mom.

As I was finishing my meal, I heard on the loud speaker, “Owen, you’re order is ready,” and I freaked out in my head. I was suddenly hyper vigilant and scared. My mom could see me get nervous, though she says she has seen me act like that before.

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The place to dump your dishes was over near where you pick up orders and I was too scared to go over there, so I asked my mom to put my dishes away while I waited outside.

When I got outside the guy who hit on me was there. He asked me if he could take me out to lunch. I hesitated but caved and said sure and he asked for my number and I gave it to him.

All the while I was scared. This guy doesn’t look like the typical guy one would be scared of, he actually looks sweet. But I can’t get over the fear. And he texted me and I’ve ignored it because I don’t think I’m ready to go out on a date yet. I don’t know how to let him down though. Guys are so annoying.

I just am not ready to go out with another guy. I will admit I am a bit fearful of dating. I mean, my track record isn’t that good. Ethan, Monster, Eric, Owen…not looking so good. I am not ready to jump back into the fire.

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XOXO Anna

Nightmares

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For the past three nights I’ve been having dreams with Owen and Monster in them. It’s not been fun, and I assume that’s why I keep having issues sleeping. The dreams aren’t terrifying per se. Only the one with Owen a couple nights ago was scary a bit. The ones with Monster have just been strange and nonsensical. I just don’t know how to make the nightmares stop.

Extremely tired for my 8 AM and I have a scene to film today :/

XOXO Anna

Want to Fall In Love?

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Well, since Valentine’s Day is coming up there have been so many articles about love. Most are stupid. Sorry to be blunt but they are. Though, I found this one article back in January and thought I would share. I really do want to try this with someone, but I’m way to scared to do this with anyone now. Maybe one day.

To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This

Fall In Love Questions 

Did you think that was interesting? I did! I really do want to test this out one day.  Let me know your thoughts!

XOXO Anna

Coffee date was a bust, but I ended up writing my script!

I am sitting in the coffee shop for my coffee date, and I texted him ahead of time to make sure he was still up for meeting. I just got a text that he just woke up and had slept through his alarms. But because I anticipated either getting stood up or the guy being late, I brought work. I brought my laptop to blog. I brought my books from school to read. So it isn’t a total fail. But still this doesn’t make me feel too good.

Oh well… At least I’m finally hanging with one of my friends later. I also skipped my class this morning. I just couldn’t get up I was so tired. I also couldn’t fall asleep last night so that might be part of the problem…

But I was stuck by inspiration and have written part of my script for the pilot episode to my web series!

XOXO Anna

Quick Silver and I got closer!

Last night I went over to Quick Silvers. Andy was also there for a bit. So we all just chilled for a while, but then Quick Silver kicked Andy out and Quick Silver and I really talked about everything that’s been going on. We talked about Ramone, and we talked about Ethan.

I didn’t want Andy to hear about Ethan because Andy, on my birthday, told me not to contact Ethan again. I however, because of the funeral, didn’t want to regret not talking to Ethan if one of us should die randomly.

So I talked to Ethan. And he still doesn’t believe me or Monster and is sticking with indifference and staying neutral.

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Quick Silver said that’s not a good friend. Quick Silver helped me delete Ethan and Eric’s numbers from my phone. It was scary to delete Ethan’s number. It meant it was real, that I was officially starting the process of cutting him out of my life.

Ironically I bumped into Ethan and the friend who couldn’t make it to my bday dinner. She invited me to lunch tomorrow a couple days ago, and I finally told her I could go. She was like, “Ethan and I are also having lunch, but now it can be the three of us.” It was really strange, because Ethan and I were talking and I totally forgot I had deleted his number until our friend said all of us could get lunch. See, I guess I forgot that I had deleted Ethan’s number because I simply thought oh, I bumped into Ethan, let’s have small talk. I didn’t think it would lead to him, her, and me all hanging out.

I don’t know what to do. I texted Quick Silver and explained what happened today, and I don’t wanna be a burden or stupid or something but I kinda do…

Also Quick Silver and I were talking about Ramone and all that. We talked about relationships and friendships in general. I came to some epiphanies, I guess. Part of me has this tiny crush on Quick Silver and I hate it! I really do. It sucks haha, but I can ignore it. I enjoy Quick Silver as a friend for sure! Like even though he is physically like gorgeous, I wouldn’t ever actually try anything with him ever. The only thing I should be focusing on is school- and my dog which I am planning to get soon! Like within the next week or so.

XOXO Anna

My Date with Ramone…

Well can I say fuck me royally?

He ended up getting a flat on the way and was late, but then we grabbed coffee and tea, and walked around for a bit and then we went back to my place. We started watching Dexter but soon were making out, and then one thing led to another…and now I’ve had sex with him.

Fuck. I so didn’t mean for that one to happen. I really honestly thought all I would do is make out with him at most.

I can’t tell if I feel guilty or bad or just plain like trash. I know that those aren’t supposed to be the feelings you feel with sex, so that makes me annoyed. It was a one night stand. something I really tend not to do. I think I just feel bad because I had sex with someone who doesn’t want more? Or at least I feel like he doesn’t.

All I know is I feel like I stupidly had expectations. Is it wrong for me to think a guy might want more than one date? Or actually like me as a person? I guess I feel like shit because lately all I feel like I am to a guy is “a piece of ass.” I guess my mistake was sleeping with him. My mistake was actually being attracted to him. My mistake was actually hoping that maybe he wanted more than just a fuck. IDK he said he’d text me or something sometime.

This is why I gave up on guys and romance. Maybe I’m just going low because I was high earlier. Not high as in stoned, high as in mood. I actually was hopeful. The date seemed promising until we jumped into bed. I think my problem is that I think if I don’t give the guy what he wants he will walk away. The real problem is I give the guy what he wants and then he walks away. So it was my mistake, it’s on me for sleeping with someone.

But I will admit this, there were moments where when we had sex, it felt safe, no judgement. It was a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. I think that’s why this one hurts. It hurts because I lost something I used to have. With Andy I didn’t feel what I just felt with Ramone. With Owen I sure as hell didn’t feel what I just felt with Ramone. I guess I just got a taste of what I’ve been looking for, and now I am sure after today it’s gone.

XOXO Anna

Way too tired

I got in pretty late last night from my flight, so I am exhausted for my 8 AM. Plus, I now am out of cereal, milk, half-n-half, and more, so I will have to go grocery shopping later today.

After my 8 AM I have to meet with a councilor about the Emotional Support Animal to get the paperwork done. Then after that, I have a lunch date with a guy who I failed to truly mention before.

So hopefully he doesn’t sleep through our lunch date 😛 because I have been thinking about him. Which annoys me. I truly wasn’t sure if he was still interested, but I guess he is(?).

I am truly nervous though. Because even though this guy, who we’ll call Ramone, and I have talked briefly at concerts and seen each other, what if we can’t find anything to talk about. What if all he talks about is sex? Because he is very expressive sexually when texting me. Which sometimes I don’t mind, I even am flattered. But if I’m not in the mood then it comes off annoying, or like he’s only interested in me for sex- which hell he could be with the luck I’ve had with guys.

But sadly, there’s this part of me that hopes today’s lunch date goes well. A part of me really wants it to go well. Maybe just so I can have hope again for guys. I just pray he doesn’t want just sex from me, or I will thoroughly be dissapointed.

XOXO Anna

Tinder and dating apps/sites

Can someone remind me why people use them? I feel as if it’s pointless. I mean, it’s entertaining for sure, and is good when bored, but overall isn’t online dating stupid and pointless? It seems as though everyone these days just wants meaningless hookups.

Again, as I said i’m single and happy about it, but one day when I’m ready to get back in the game, I want to be able to find something meaningful.

Is that still possible? Are there any decent guys left, or all they all already taken?

XOXO Anna

Roses

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I have always enjoyed roses, preferably red or white. I always wanted someone to buy me flowers. I always thought it was such a romantic gesture. I remember when in freshman year of college I hinted to Ethan about how much I loved roses right before valentines day. He of course got the hint and gave me a red rose, along with all my favorite candy. But that was the first guy to ever give me a rose.

I don’t always have someone to give me a rose. So why not buy roses for myself, right? Well, I do that occasionally. I remember when Eric was visiting me over the summer, and he saw red and white roses in my room.

“Were those there last time?” He asked.

“No, I bought them for myself,” I replied.

“That’s pathetic. You buy yourself flowers,” Eric replied, laughing.

I got angry at him for that comment. Why is it pathetic if a girl buys herself flowers? It’s called self-care. It’s not pathetic. If buying myself roses occasionally makes me smile, why not do it?

I’m talking about roses because this whole break I’ve been dying to get myself roses, and I finally did that tonight. I got home and my mom had also gotten herself some flowers too. She was talking to the cashier and they had a conversation about how women shouldn’t buy themselves flowers because that’s the mans job. He said that men have it so easy compared to women and the struggles they go through. In the end the cashier gave my mom the flowers for free because she explained that she buys herself flowers because they are visually pleasing and make her happy.

XOXO Anna

In the City

So I went to the city yesterday to finally hang out with Andy, who I was supposed to hang out with after my date with Shaggy in the city last week.

It was super fun! We walked all around and went into these cool shops. We talked about a lot. Friends back at school, that one night we had together, issues in general etc.

Andy even took me to a shop specifically because it was very provocative and had a sex mannequin in a sex position and pointed it out to me to try and make me remember that he had me in that position. Of course because I had gotten a concussion that night, it took me a while to remember.

Andy was pretty good about the whole food thing with me. It took a while to figure out where to eat, and I was nervous and I didn’t know any of the places around so we ended up at McDonalds.

Apparently Andy and his girlfriend still aren’t great. He said he is just waiting for it to end. We talked a bit about Quicksilver too.

We went to Times Square and went into all these places like M&M store and Hershey store. We eventually crashed at Penn station to just rest our feet and we talked for an hour about the things I’ve already mentioned. Then Andy had to make sure I ate something other that McDonalds in the city so we went into a convenience store and I don’t know how Quicksilver came up but he did. Andy was talking about how he was the best kisser I’ve ever had, which is true. And I think I was telling him that it was such a shock to go from Andy -amazing kisser- to Quicksilver- who I had to instruct how to kiss. Andy died when he heard that, and I didn’t mean to tell him, it just slipped out.

Andy said he was going to hold that over Quicksilver for whenever Andy did something stupid and Quicksilver would call him an idiot, Andy would reply, “At least I didn’t need instructions on how to kiss.”

So I really hope that Quicksilver won’t be mad at me when Andy eventually uses that against him. Andy also said that one day he and I would sleep together again just so he could prove to me that he is skilled in bed. Andy, the night of the concussion, did say he had major skill, and showed me some moves before everything started happening, but because he was exhausted and all, he didn’t perform his best. So he wants to one day prove to me that he is amazing in bed. Whatever. I don’t really want to sleep with him again. I rather us just have that one night that we can joke about.

But Andy and I had a real fun day overall. There’s just something about Andy’s personality that is fun to be around. Andy reminds me of certain people I don’t have in my life anymore. I think it’s a comfort thing as to why I enjoy Andy’s company. He is just really easy to get along with and chill out with.

We went back to Grand Central and Andy got food because he thought I was going to get food, which I strategically escaped. Andy was frustrated with me and said that I had to promise to send him a picture of what I was going to eat at home, which I did.

Andy leaves to go back to where we go to school today and promised me he would message me before he takes off and when he lands because he knows how I get nervous when those I care about fly.

Overall Andy was a nice distraction from everything else that’s going on.

XOXO Anna

Day in the city!

Monday was one of the most fun days I’ve had in a long time. I knew that Andy was going to be in the city on Monday so I told him that I would probably meet up with him at some point. Well, it turned out that Shaggy’s train was delayed, so Andy met me at Grand Central and we just talked and caught up until Shaggy got there.

At first I was not sure about it all. Andy hugged me goodbye and Shaggy and I were left to figure out what we were going to do. Shaggy and I both hate the city, and were terrible at navigating the city. We ended up just walking out of Grand Central trying to find a place to eat. It was so cold, that we just went to a McDonald’s and ate there.

So we dat down at a table and I was incredible shy. Plus there was food involved so that made me even more nervous. Shaggy was a sweetheart. There’s just this vibe about him, like a sweet puppy dog. I don’t know how else to describe it, but it’s a nice change of pace for me. One thing I liked most was that Shaggy said that I was mysterious and he had a hard time reading me.

Let me tell you, that comment made me smile. I loved it! See, Eric always said I was super easy to read and that he knew me better than I knew myself. So for someone to tell me that they couldn’t read me made me super happy.

While sitting at McDonalds Shaggy was his usual emotional self- and I say that with the utmost happiness- and was expressing his feelings. I, on the other hand, sat there quietly smiling and listening, not sure what to say. I think I told him about my dog, that passed away, that came from an abused home and wasn’t used to such kind people when he came home with us and it took him a while to warm up. I told Shaggy that’s why I was being more on the reserved side, because let’s be honest, my past relationships- romantic or not- have not been the healthiest or good.

After McDonald’s we went back to Grand Central and tried to figure out the subway system. We eventually got to the Met. Now, I for one hate museums, but it was freaking freezing, so I rather be in a museum than outside where I couldn’t feel my legs.

Walking around the museum Shaggy and I talked. We got along, and I stayed on the reserved side, while Shaggy still expressed his feelings. The whole time all I could think about was, what if I took the chance to be with him. Shaggy asked to be with me, but I said he had no idea what he was asking for.

After the Met we tried to find a Starbucks to sit in, but it was packed, so we went back to Grand Central, and sat int he dining concourse and talked.

Shaggy asked me to be his girlfriend, for like the third time now. I sat there, shocked that he still was asking. I don’t remember how we ended up talking about this but I think I mentioned PTSD and all the issues, and he told me his experiences with friends and such. Let’s just say after him opening up about things he has witnessed and gone through, it made me more comfortable. It made me comfortable enough to open up more. And he asked again if I would be his girlfriend. I told him about my most recent experience and how I was scared to take that leap of faith.

In the end I said yes. I am not one to make impulsive decisions, but I just couldn’t say no. Yes, I feel crazy about it, but my gut is telling me that there’s something good here. Eric once told me that fear shouldn’t run my life. He told me he hoped that I wouldn’t let fear stop me from anything. So remembering that, I took the chance and agreed to be his girlfriend. I then talked about triggers and Shaggy said he wanted to know, so I told him about Peter, Ethan, and Monster.

I’m in a relationship. I’m excited, and terrified all at once. This is new, and utterly crazy, but then again, if you all knew my parents love story, mine isn’t as crazy. I might make a post about their love story because it’s just that amazing.

So here is to new beginnings, not letting the past control my future, and taking chances,

XOXO Anna