Amazing Concert and Funny Parents

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Yesterday after treatment Cody, me, and his friend and girlfriend all went to the city to see Rise Against. Holy hell I haven’t had so much fun since GA when I was at school. I moshed and this time I didn’t get a concussion!

Cody did a great job at keeping me safe. His friend who we will call Drake and his girlfriend who we’ll call Claire, were so much fun! I really love the both of them. Such fun and great company. At one point Cody left to get me water. Drake got lost from Claire and I and a circle pit was forming, so we got out of there before we got caught up in that. When we went back we couldn’t find Cody but found Drake. Drake couldn’t find Cody either.

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We made it back to where we originally were in the pit and Claire got hit in the head. Drake took her out and I realized I was alone in the pit. It was like perfect timing because Cody appeared out of nowhere and I hugged him so hard. I told him I had been looking everywhere and couldn’t find him and that I was so glad I wasn’t alone in the pit before things got rough again.

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The train ride home was very interesting. Also we have a potential bowling date next week with them, so I’m super excited! There were some real fun moments and then moments when I was royally pissed at Cody, but I couldn’t stay mad at him for long. We made up and showered and went to bed. We got breakfast this morning which was nice.

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After getting breakfast with Cody I went over to my parents office. I was telling my mom all about the concert and telling her about how I hated being at the house because of the negative vibes from my sister. She interrupted me at one point and said, “I honestly was not sure what to expect when you got here. You never come to the office. I thought you were going to tell me that Cody and you wanted to get married or something.” I started laughing at that. My dad soon came in like five minutes after and he said, “Are you and Cody eloping, is that what you needed to come to work to tell us?” He was being sarcastic but it was funny since mom had just made her comment only minutes before.

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I then talked to them about how we needed to do something about my sister. I also talked to them about what I could possibly do at the business eventually which they aren’t sure of yet. Also talked school stuff. Now I’m making lunch, listening to music, while my sister is fucking pissed at me in the other room.

Hopefully the rest of my day goes well…fingers crossed!

XOXO Anna

Anorexia and Bathing Suits

Tonight Cody and I are going to his friends birthday party. I totally wanna go. I just have anxiety over wearing a bathing suit now that I am not supposed to restrict. I ate everything I was supposed to for breakfast this morning. Lunch, I did an okay job with. But now that I have been reminded of the party, I am anxious about eating later. Plus I have to find my bathing suit, I can’t remember where I put it.

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I don’t know what to do. I mean, in treatment the girls had lots of suggestions, but I am just nervous. I don’t know. Cody says he wants to get drunk tonight so I’m the driver. I’ve never seen Cody drunk so this will be telling. In all honesty I am worried about my urges to drink. I’ve been getting a little too used to drinking as regularly as I have been. So yeah, I wanna go to the party tonight because people will be there and I’m sure I’ll have a great time. But…wearing a bathing suit right as I’ve started treatment? Can I say fuck me royally?

I know this is terrible to write or say, but I think I’ll take it easy on food later… I’ll still eat, but I am not sure if I’ll be able to do my best. I guess I’ll just see when I put the suit on and see how much I hate myself for it. I think it will be okay, but last time we went to her house to swim I was restricting, so just irrational anorexia thoughts are happening. I’ll deal though.

XOXO Anna

Liquid Courage, Pinned Against A Wall, and Intense Emotions

Last night after Cody helped me make dinner we went to one of his friends houses. We drank and hung out. One of Cody’s friends got a little too drunk I guess because after he and Cody were play wrestling, I somehow ended up pinned against a wall. Plus when I came in the room before all that happened he was kinda being flirty with me, which made me uncomfortable, and he had his arm around me at one point. But anyways, yeah he pinned me against a wall.

It wasn’t bad, like when Peter pinned me against a wall, he had me up against the wall so hard I couldn’t move. Cody’s friend had me against the wall, but I could kinda move, but at the same time I felt trapped. Like, I totally love the whole being pinned against a wall because it’s hot, like if Cody were pinning me against the wall I wouldn’t have been uncomfortable, I’d be turned on.

But given the fact that I didn’t really know Cody’s friend well it definitely was kinda not cool. Cody later when we got back to my house told me he pulled a knife on his friend, not like putting it to his neck but keeping it three finger lengths away but still making it clear that he needed to let me go.

Cody’s other friend told Cody that if the other guy ever did anything like that again that Cody should beat his ass. I honestly was shocked when Cody said he pulled his knife out to get his friend to let me go. I mean, honestly that’s kinda hot and a turn on and makes me feel safe and protected.

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Later when we got home I was still drunk, but we did these questions that I found a while ago that supposedly makes someone fall in love or makes the person more prone to falling in love.

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Number 9, Cody said he felt most grateful for me in his life at the moment. That was super sweet! Number 13, “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?” Cody answered that he would want to know what he could do to make sure I’m still around, and make sure he doesn’t do anything to lose me. That was part of his answer and it was really sweet.

Number 19, “If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?” Cody answered that if he knew he was going to die in a year he would want to ask me to marry him before he dies and also give me a kid that way when he was gone I’d still have a part of him in a way. Jesus Fucking Hell. That was the most holy hell answer. Like holy hell, I am still in shock just thinking about that answer.

I feel so…cared about. So loved. It’s strange. A good strange. We both had the same answer for number 26, “Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “ We both said everything with.

Number 33 was challenging for me. “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?”

I answered that  part of me wants to make amends with those who I haven’t had the best interactions with over the past couple months. I’d want to tell my family how much I love and care about them. Also, I would want to tell Cody everything. Everything about how I feel, about my fears, and just everything. As to why I haven’t told Cody all of my insecurities or fears? Well, fear of rejection. Fear of letting him down, etc.

I have to say that though Cody already loves me, and I am falling, this questionnaire definitely made me open up more, it made me feel more strongly towards Cody. I really did open up to Cody last night. I told him how he has given me hope for a normal future again. I told him that he inspires me to be more open. He makes me feel again. Though I do feel, I do get detached, but the important part is that I am feeling. I also told him I’m starting to actually believe he loves me.

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I wanted to say those three words, eight letters to him, but I wasn’t ready. When I say it I want to make sure I really mean it. I also want to say it in a nice setting or something. I mean, in all honesty I almost have told him twice now because I am so used to when people say goodbye, when they say “I love you” I am used to saying it back. But last night I tried whispering those words a loud to see what it felt like, once Cody was asleep. It was scary to even whisper them. I am not used to saying “I love you” unless it’s to a family member. Even this morning when Cody left and he said I love you, I really wished I could say it back. I wanted to say it back, but again, I want to make sure I mean it and I want it to be special when I am ready to say it.

I think my worst fear is that I am too damaged to love. I know how crazy that might sound, but I am scared that I am too broken to let myself be that vulnerable. I really want to though. I want to be able to get over my mental blocks and be able to give myself fully to Cody. I honestly think it’s all mental at this point. I am trying my best to not hold back, and I am doing much better at not holding back, especially these past couple days. But, I think what happens is that every time I feel more, I start to hold back  again until I am used to that level of feeling, in which I let myself go, until I start to have stronger feelings and then the cycle repeats itself.

I know this is a long post, but I process things through writing and talking. I haven’t told anyone that Cody has said those three words, eight letters to me. I’m scared that if I tell someone that it will go away or something. I know how irrational that might seem, but I just have those stupid fears. Trust me I want to tell someone, like a friend, but I don’t want them to burst my happy bubble and say ” how can he love you? You’ve known him for three weeks!” or something along those lines. I really do want to talk to someone about this though because I need to process this with someone. I need to talk with one of my girl friends and see their thoughts and have their advice on how to get over my mental blocks.

I long for the day when I feel secure enough to let myself fully go and be able to feel what I know is possible. Those questions definitely leveled up my feelings, for sure. I know that much. That’s why I think I’m starting to put my mental block back on, because to me I’m feeling too much and that scares me.

I just hope I can get over that mental block soon…

XOXO Anna

Treatment Day 2

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Today was much better than yesterday. I am so fucking happy that I was able to eat this mornings breakfast. It was egg and cheese on an english muffin. I don’t like egg, but I got it down. I finished it! Then groups were good throughout the day. Lunch was an easy meal because I like caesar salad but I forgot they put a roll of bread with it. The size of the salad seemed daunting, but I ended up eating everything.

I just got home because I had a doctors appointment and I was planning on napping but the cleaners are here so I can’t. I am seriously exhausted.

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Oh! Funny moment in treatment today was that when we all sat down for lunch, one girl sitting across the table was like, “Is that what I think it is Anna?” She was referring to the lightest most least noticeable hickey I’ve ever gotten. I was embarrassed and she said she noticed it when she first came in this morning. Everyone was looking at me and I guess I went red because they were joking about my reaction. They assured me they’ve had worse and it wasn’t a big deal. See, last night I made Cody stop kissing my neck because I wasn’t sure what the girls would think if I had a hickey. I love having my neck kissed and I love hickeys too, so it took a lot of self control to tell Cody to stop, but now that they didn’t mind it or think less of me because of it, I won’t tell Cody to stop next time.

Anyways, having a good day so far. I still have to have a snack before dinner which sucks…and then I have to eat dinner… Why do you have to eat three times a day? It’s just hard because I have to face food three times a day plus when I have a snack. Like damn. I guess I’ll go see if I can make that snack now… and then pray that I can get a nap in!

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XOXO Anna

Facebook Official!!!

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Okay so as some of you may know, Facebook Official in my past relationships has been a rocky subject. Ethan and me were fine. Monster refused to put it on Facebook which made me hurt. Then Captain America refused that too. Eric did it because he knew how much that meant to me since my past boyfriends refused.

Cody had no idea about how I felt about Facebook official, and when I go to see my phone I see that there was a request for a relationship on Facebook! Plus Cody doesn’t really use Facebook, so yeah, so I’m happy like super hypomanic happy right now, like I was jumping up and down happy. Yeah kinda really hypomanic and need to calm down but it was just such a fucking surprise. A brilliant one. Like holy fuck. Fucking happy right now. I just can’t stop smiling damn it.

I’m supposed to head over to Cody’s in fifteen. But stupid Facebook isn’t like letting me accept his request, so it shows up on his Facebook in his status but it won’t in mine because when I click accept request it says error has occurred. Fuck my life. But still….Cody fucking sent a fucking relationship request. I just….he has no idea what that means to me with not knowing my past experiences with the whole Facebook official shit.

So fucking happy. Best like gift/surprise ever! 😀

XOXO Anna

Love and Nightmares

Last night Cody stayed over and I have been sending him some of my blog posts through fb message so he still gets to read the content without knowing my blog. I know, for me to share my posts on here with someone is a big step. It means I’m letting them into my deepest and darkest places. Scary.

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Anyways, so Cody read yesterday’s post, Lunch, Hindsight, and Love. We talked about it. He was glad to know my views on love. He said he learned a lot himself about love and that he now has more information as to whether to know if he is ever in love. We continued talking once we went to my bed and we had sex after. It was triggering. I cried. He wiped away my tears. I told him that I didn’t understand why he was so nice to me. He said because I deserve it. He also said other stuff that night like…well honestly I am just going to assume I heard this wrong, but I think he said, “It’s like you wrote on your blog. You can’t control when you’re falling.” I am going to assume I heard that wrong. Maybe he was just being general.

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He also said that he had been nice to girls before because that’s who he is, but that he has been so much nicer to me and he still feels like he isn’t giving me enough. He said he wants to give me everything. He also said he wants to do that and doesn’t care what he gets in return. He said that is really caring about a person.

Oh! Also, that post where I said Cody told his friend it was getting serious, Cody was serious about us being serious. Yes I just used the word serious that many times in a sentence!

So yeah. I am very happy that he is open with his emotions because every other guy I’ve been with never expressed their feelings towards me. But yeah, the whole love conversation was terrifying. I am not used to talking about love with guys I’m romantically involved with. It honestly scares the mother fucking shit out of me. Mainly because I have been hurt in the past and to me love is scary and painful.

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Cody mentioned to me that I had written I would never say “I love you” to a guy unless they did it first. He just said, “I guess I won’t know until I say it.” I thought he was going to bring up the fact that I said I was never going to fall in love again. Then Cody found where I said that and he didn’t seem phased by it. If I had ever let any of my ex’s know that they probably would have dumped me or gotten angry at me. Cody however responded with, “I think I can make you- well not make you- but I think I am capable of having you fall for me” or something like that. That was his response. He figures that I can fall in love with him eventually. His attitude is very positive about it. He also doesn’t blame me for not wanting to ever fall in love since my experiences were bad and painful.

Had a nightmare about Cody. Owen was in it too. I don’t want to talk about it, but the nightmare sucked.

Anyways, anyone have any opinions or anything to offer me. I am extremely at a loss right now with all this talk of emotions. Yay that we are serious. Yay he thinks he can fall for me. Yay he isn’t mad at me for my cynical views on love. But can anyone offer advice or opinions on this? What do you guys think Cody is feeling or thinking? I mean, yeah he is pretty upfront about it all, which is a god send, but I feel like I can’t trust this, or I’m not ready to trust this with all the trauma I’ve gone through. Any comments are appreciated! Thanks!

XOXO Anna

Fun Lunch, Hindsight, and Love

I went to CVS which is across the street from where Cody works and he asked me to drop by, so I did and we went out to Panera for his break. I am SO happy we did that because I honestly was not going to be eating a decent lunch today. I feel ten times better now that I have food in my system.

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We talked a lot during lunch. We talked about our sisters. He really does not like his sister. I love mine. He apologized for me seeing his “dark” side. Honestly though it was his “dark” side it was nice to see. It makes him more human. I think I’ve mentioned this on my blog before, but I tend to like people for their flaws, not their perfections. I personally love seeing others flaws, I think because it makes them more relatable. I am glad Cody did open up about his feelings for his sister. He apologized after, but that was important for me to know and see. I told him that when in a relationship, you are getting to know a person, the good and the bad. If you are to truly accept someone in your life, you accept the good and the bad.

James Michael Sama has been one blog that I love to read! I love his posts about relationships and though there are posts I can disagree with, he makes tons of good points in some posts. I remember each time I was in a relationship, I would read his posts and think to myself, “Why doesn’t the guy I’m with do this or know this?”

10 Tiny Things In A Relationship That Are Literally A Big Deal is a really good post that I can agree with. Those things mentioned in the article are true. In past relationships there were many times where those key things were missing.

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Love notes, James explains it as something as simple as an “I miss you” and it can be that simple. I know that in past relationships maybe…okay, Monster, Eric, and Owen were the only ones to have ever texted me I miss you. Sadly those were the worst of my past. I am excellent at letting people know my feelings for them through writing. I used to express to Ethan what was on my mind through notes. I never wrote a love note, except for Eric for his birthday. After Eric though I honestly am not sure I could write another “love note” like that unless I really trusted them. Ethan was a great listener and so was Eric. Monster had psychological insight which was nice when I talked. Captain America however was very immature and couldn’t really listen or understand my emotions. Good morning texts are always nice for sure. I think Monster was the one who texted me good morning.

Reliability! That is huge! Ethan was never reliable, making it hard to trust him. Monster was decently reliable. The others not so much. But that is a huge thing in relationships is being reliable. If you say you’re going to do something then do it. If you say you’re going to be there be there. Patience is also important in a relationship. Ethan was the person who taught me patience at first because as most people know I am not always a patient person. But patience really does go a long way when in a relationship. Honesty, that is the biggest one for me. I am a very honest person and I’ve had to deal with lots of liars and that is the one thing I won’t accept. Lies. I used to tell people, whether a friend or romantic interest, in the beginning that honesty and trust are the most important things to me, so if you lie to me you’re out of my life. I really have issues with people who lie to me. It’s completely disrespectful. Making your partner feel safe is another big one. Honestly if I feel safe with a guy then that’s all that matters. With Owen I never felt truly safe with him. That was a huge reason as to why I never got attached or took it too seriously. Compromise, that’s another big one. In the past compromise was pretty nonexistent for me.

Reading most of James’ posts I look back and wish I had spoken up to the guys I was with because there were so many flaws. So many red flags that I just ignored because I thought I didn’t deserve better. I also have to say loyalty should be added to that list because loyalty is very important.

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With Cody I feel safe, like genuinely safe. That’s new for me. I like it though, I really do. Cody also seems to be reliable which is also very nice. Looking back I see a lot of differences in Cody from the others. Good differences.

Then James posts about love a lot. I have many opinions on love and the concept of love, but that all depends on how cynical I’m feeling that day 😛

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Two of my posts that talk about love are The Psychology of Love and The 5 Languages of Love. Those are very important posts. In my psychology class back when I was with Ethan, my teacher taught us about love. It is very true that society portrays love in a false way. To say “I love you” to someone is a big thing. To say that to someone means that you accept them for who they are, faults and all. It means that you will be there for that person no matter what happens. Most people think they love someone but end up realizing they don’t. Why do people do this? Because of the chemicals! In the psychology of love post it explains it clearly why and how people fall in and out of love. I hate that. I hate the concept of falling in love. Falling in love is superficial and doesn’t mean anything. Falling in Love should be renamed Falling in Lust. Loving someone means something. “In Love” is the stage of a relationship where you see the other person as perfect. If you think the person is perfect you don’t love them. You love what you think you see and know.

Yes, there is a process to loving someone, and part of it is going through that phase of everything is perfect, but what really counts is when you see the person you’re with, and you know the good and bad, and you still feel that way. You still can say to yourself I love that person. That’s real true love. My teacher and all the classmates agreed that society portrays love in a false and damaging way.

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I’ve mentioned before that the only two people I loved or “fallen in love with” were Ethan and Monster. The Ethan experience was shit, and I vowed I’d never utter those words to a guy unless he said it first, and after Monster I vowed I’d never “fall in love” again. Of course those vows won’t last forever, but it gave me a feeling of control. The truth is, when it comes to emotions and love, there is no control. It happens or it doesn’t. Trust me, I’ve tried to keep myself from loving someone because for me, my experiences with love have been painful and terrible. The only thing I know from love is being hurt and dissapointed.

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Love is a choice. To love someone is a big choice. It’s easy to be attracted to someone but it’s hard to love someone. Loving someone isn’t easy and fun like they show you in the movies. Loving someone is a wonderful thing, but it also means you are there during the difficult times, you stick it out through the 2 AM fights, and that you try you’re best to compromise on issues the two of you have. Falling in love is easy, but loving someone, truly loving someone is hard.

But then, people say if it’s easy then what’s the point? I can tell you first hand how hard it is and was to love Ethan. I love him as a friend today, and you know why? Because once you love someone, or choose to love them, truly love them you don’t stop. Sure the way you love a person can change, but you always love them. Am I still not fully okay with Ethan? Yeah. But as my psychology teacher said, “You don’t have to like someone to love them.” That really spoke to me, because I don’t like Ethan very much anymore. He has changed from the person I used to love (romantically speaking). But I can’t stop loving him (as a friend). And Monster? How twisted is it to say I love him (as a person)? It’s fucked up, like way fucked up. But again, I “fell in love” with him and though he raped me, I will always care for him. I know you must think I’m crazy, but with all Monsters faults, I still care.

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It takes time to love someone for who they truly are. Sometimes a person can fall fast and hard for someone, or sometimes it takes time. But you always can know whether you’re going to fall. The sad thing is you can’t stop it once it’s started. That’s the scariest and most exciting thing about love I would say. Love is an adventure. One with ups and downs, laughter and tears. Love is one hell of an adventure. If you’ve never “fallen in love” or loved someone, then when you do it will sweep you off your feet. It is one hell of an experience. An experience worth living for, really. What’s life without love? A boring one.

What are your thoughts on love?

XOXO Anna