Last night after Cody helped me make dinner we went to one of his friends houses. We drank and hung out. One of Cody’s friends got a little too drunk I guess because after he and Cody were play wrestling, I somehow ended up pinned against a wall. Plus when I came in the room before all that happened he was kinda being flirty with me, which made me uncomfortable, and he had his arm around me at one point. But anyways, yeah he pinned me against a wall.
It wasn’t bad, like when Peter pinned me against a wall, he had me up against the wall so hard I couldn’t move. Cody’s friend had me against the wall, but I could kinda move, but at the same time I felt trapped. Like, I totally love the whole being pinned against a wall because it’s hot, like if Cody were pinning me against the wall I wouldn’t have been uncomfortable, I’d be turned on.
But given the fact that I didn’t really know Cody’s friend well it definitely was kinda not cool. Cody later when we got back to my house told me he pulled a knife on his friend, not like putting it to his neck but keeping it three finger lengths away but still making it clear that he needed to let me go.
Cody’s other friend told Cody that if the other guy ever did anything like that again that Cody should beat his ass. I honestly was shocked when Cody said he pulled his knife out to get his friend to let me go. I mean, honestly that’s kinda hot and a turn on and makes me feel safe and protected.
Later when we got home I was still drunk, but we did these questions that I found a while ago that supposedly makes someone fall in love or makes the person more prone to falling in love.
Number 9, Cody said he felt most grateful for me in his life at the moment. That was super sweet! Number 13, “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?” Cody answered that he would want to know what he could do to make sure I’m still around, and make sure he doesn’t do anything to lose me. That was part of his answer and it was really sweet.
Number 19, “If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?” Cody answered that if he knew he was going to die in a year he would want to ask me to marry him before he dies and also give me a kid that way when he was gone I’d still have a part of him in a way. Jesus Fucking Hell. That was the most holy hell answer. Like holy hell, I am still in shock just thinking about that answer.
I feel so…cared about. So loved. It’s strange. A good strange. We both had the same answer for number 26, “Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “ We both said everything with.
Number 33 was challenging for me. “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?”
I answered that part of me wants to make amends with those who I haven’t had the best interactions with over the past couple months. I’d want to tell my family how much I love and care about them. Also, I would want to tell Cody everything. Everything about how I feel, about my fears, and just everything. As to why I haven’t told Cody all of my insecurities or fears? Well, fear of rejection. Fear of letting him down, etc.
I have to say that though Cody already loves me, and I am falling, this questionnaire definitely made me open up more, it made me feel more strongly towards Cody. I really did open up to Cody last night. I told him how he has given me hope for a normal future again. I told him that he inspires me to be more open. He makes me feel again. Though I do feel, I do get detached, but the important part is that I am feeling. I also told him I’m starting to actually believe he loves me.
I wanted to say those three words, eight letters to him, but I wasn’t ready. When I say it I want to make sure I really mean it. I also want to say it in a nice setting or something. I mean, in all honesty I almost have told him twice now because I am so used to when people say goodbye, when they say “I love you” I am used to saying it back. But last night I tried whispering those words a loud to see what it felt like, once Cody was asleep. It was scary to even whisper them. I am not used to saying “I love you” unless it’s to a family member. Even this morning when Cody left and he said I love you, I really wished I could say it back. I wanted to say it back, but again, I want to make sure I mean it and I want it to be special when I am ready to say it.
I think my worst fear is that I am too damaged to love. I know how crazy that might sound, but I am scared that I am too broken to let myself be that vulnerable. I really want to though. I want to be able to get over my mental blocks and be able to give myself fully to Cody. I honestly think it’s all mental at this point. I am trying my best to not hold back, and I am doing much better at not holding back, especially these past couple days. But, I think what happens is that every time I feel more, I start to hold back again until I am used to that level of feeling, in which I let myself go, until I start to have stronger feelings and then the cycle repeats itself.
I know this is a long post, but I process things through writing and talking. I haven’t told anyone that Cody has said those three words, eight letters to me. I’m scared that if I tell someone that it will go away or something. I know how irrational that might seem, but I just have those stupid fears. Trust me I want to tell someone, like a friend, but I don’t want them to burst my happy bubble and say ” how can he love you? You’ve known him for three weeks!” or something along those lines. I really do want to talk to someone about this though because I need to process this with someone. I need to talk with one of my girl friends and see their thoughts and have their advice on how to get over my mental blocks.
I long for the day when I feel secure enough to let myself fully go and be able to feel what I know is possible. Those questions definitely leveled up my feelings, for sure. I know that much. That’s why I think I’m starting to put my mental block back on, because to me I’m feeling too much and that scares me.
I just hope I can get over that mental block soon…