Suicide Letters

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Let me start this post off with stating that I don’t plan on committing suicide, but I did write a suicide letter just now. At first I was hurting when I wrote it, and then as I wrote it I grew sad knowing that if I ever did do that so many people would be devastated. That sucked because I don’t want to hurt those I love.

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I think I wrote the note because of the emotions I am feeling because my sister is coming home tomorrow and I don’t know how to handle any of it. I wrote it to cope with my overwhelming feelings. I also finally wrote a letter to my sister. Feeling my feelings sucks. There’s a lot of pain and sometimes I don’t know how to handle it. I know I wanna cut. I know that won’t solve anything.

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So I am going to try to life my mood before Cody and I go out to his friends Christmas party. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I hope that my mood gets better. I hate being a downer.

XOXO Anna

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Holiday Anxieties

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Holidays are a great time of year where family gets together and celebrates, but this year for my family it’s tough. I haven’t really talked to my parents about their opinion and thoughts on my sister coming home with her boyfriend after running away.

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I know I’ve written a bit about this, but my anxieties are getting overwhelming. She arrives on the 21st, so I’ve got basically a week before she is home and Cody is kicked out. Part of me is so happy that she will be home, and part of me is terrified.

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I miss her SO much and being able to see her will be one of the best Christmas presents I could ask for. I figure she will be ignoring me for the first few days and I know that will be torture, not like all of this hasn’t already been torture, but at least it’s been torture from a far so it hasn’t had the worst affects on me. I just want to be able to talk to her and have a real conversation. I hope that she is civil with all of us.

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We as a family know that we all failed her in our own way and all we want to do is make it up to her. We want her to know that we are here for her no matter what and we love her so much. We just hope that she gives us the chance to prove that to her.

She is one of the most stubborn people I know, and being stubborn isn’t a bad quality necessarily, but she has taken it to a whole new level. Almost half a year has gone by…. it’s insane when I think about it. Not being able to talk to her and hang out with her for that long…it’s painful.

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Emotional pain is much worse than physical pain in my opinion, or at least it can be. I rather have broken my leg than go through this. Being in such intense emotional pain for this long is devastating. Cody has been amazing through all of this. He is understanding and patient. There are days where I’ve been suicidal, there have been days where all I wanted to do was cut, and there have been days where all I wanted to do was cry all day because of this thing with my sister. Six months of that is a lot.Of course it’s not everyday I feel those things but if I added up the days it would at least be three weeks of it.

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I constantly feel guilty. I feel like if only I saw the signs earlier or if I had really pushed my sister to talk maybe I could have helped or she would have opened up. But my sister is a closed book. She has walls sky high, and when she thinks someone is trying to help her she shuts as tight as a clam would. She puts up this impenetrable force to keep everyone out. I refuse to give up trying to make things better with her. I don’t care how much of a wall she puts up I won’t stop trying to help her and be there for her when she is ready to accept it. That’s the key though, I have to try and fail over and over until she one day is ready to let me in.

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I think my worst fear is losing her forever. I honestly don’t know how to live without her. She has been a huge part of my life. She has been my person. She has been the ONE person who never made me feel bad about my anorexia or PTSD or any of my issues. I just don’t know what to do to fix all of this. I’ve thought about it so many times. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am always doing the wrong thing. Not talking to her would be wrong, but then texting her with her ignoring me also feels wrong. I can’t figure out if she wants me to keep trying or if I should just leave her alone. If it were me I would want the person to keep trying to show me that they care, so that’s why I continue to text her. I want her to know I care.

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I don’t know what to do or how to handle her coming home at all. I am at a complete loss. I feel like I am blind and any move I make could be fatal. But I keep trying because I care, and I want her to know that I do. I feel like there’s nothing I can do at the moment to get through to her and that’s one of the hardest things.

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I also feel guilty because I feel like maybe she ran away because of how close Cody and I got in the beginning of our relationship and how I kinda totally ditched her. She keeps thinking I was choosing between Cody and her but she is wrong. I was choosing between myself and her. I never put myself first, and I finally did when I met Cody because I knew there was something special about him, and I wanted to give myself a chance at real true happiness. I feel terrible that me putting myself first hurt my sister so deeply. I don’t know how I can explain it to her or how she can forgive me. I don’t know how to forgive myself I think.

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Sorry that it’s such a long post, I just had to get my thoughts out so I could understand them better. I think I just have to give her space for the first couple days and then continue to try to see if she is willing to talk to me, let alone be in the same room as me. I know that healing and forgiveness can be a long process and I know that her coming home for Christmas doesn’t mean everything will go back to the way things used to be, but maybe it will be a step in the right direction.

XOXO Anna

It’s been rough

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Monster’s anniversary was really rough last week. Last monday I will admit I was suicidal. I was actually going to do something but Cody walked into my bedroom and saw me crying. I told him everything and he has been amazing this past week. Things with my sister still aren’t good. I figure my depression is from things being so strained with my sister and some PTSD stuff with Monster.

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I reached out to a friend tonight and talked to her and told her everything that’s been going on with me and it helped a lot. It was really nice to talk to someone who understands and who made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

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Tonight I am at Cody’s house with him and his brother. His brothers friend and boyfriend are joining too, and they are all going to play Fallout 4. Apparently it’s some big game that gamers have been waiting for. It is released at midnight. I don’t game, so I’ll be blogging or watching netflix or writing or reading. But it’s nice. Everyone is here, and honestly being around everyone now just makes me feel better. This is the kind of hangouts I like, where its chill, at someone’s house, everyone is just hanging out, and having fun.

XOXO Anna

Not Even Five Minutes Home And…

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I walk through the door and I ask how last night went with talking to my sister. They gave me the vaguest bullshit answer, and I demanded specifics after like three times of asking. My dad went further into it, and I was at least happy they talked to her. Apparently she didn’t really talk back, and is being pretty much silent to them. My mom explained that if in two days she doesn’t decide what she’s doing, then they are going to I think shut her cell service off. At least my mom is being a hard-ass.

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But I comment on how everything I bought my sister wasn’t in the kitchen and I asked if she threw it away or took it. They figured she took it upstairs. I then opened the snack drawer where my smartfood was and half the bag was gone, as expected, and I commented, “Hey dad, can you not eat the rest of this? Or if you do, can you go get more?” My dad responded in an annoyed tone with, “Who is paying for that? You can’t tell me I can’t have any more of it. Next time you should buy two or three bags if you’re worried about me eating it. Okay?”

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I swallowed, and held my tongue, knowing if I lost it on my dad everything would be worse so I said, “Okay, you’re right.” I’ve never felt so submissive. I hated that. I didn’t want to even fight for it. I just gave up. That reminds me of the person I was back in middle school when I feared this girl, Skyler, and she ruled over everyone.

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If I had the fight in me I would have explained why I wanted him not to eat it, because of the anxiety I get going into the grocery, but I think he would laugh it off or something. I don’t know, but I know that only five minutes of getting back to my house and I am craving a safety pin. That’s really sad. I was hoping that coming back from Cody’s, everything would be a bit calmer today or… I don’t know. I’m just feeling really discouraged and submissive, which I hate. I just can’t take anymore anger or negative emotions directed at me or I will break.

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I want to scream, and cry, and hit my baseball bat against the mattress in the attic, but I know if I try to express any “negative” emotion my mom will burst through the door and tell me to stop. That’s really annoying because there’s a reason I restrict, drink excessively, or cut or burn. It’s because I am trying to express my emotions, or numb them. If I can’t express my emotions in a healthier way I will end up turning to my bag habits.

Also, with all the shit I went through yesterday, I ate and didn’t restrict at all! I am seriously proud of myself, plus since my period is coming, I am feeling bloated too, but I stayed strong and ate knowing that’s what I’m supposed to do.

I am shocked at how low my mood got since I got in my house. I seriously feel like I’m back in middle school or high school or something. I am honestly shocked that I made it through that period without self-harming or other extreme measures with all the bullying.

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I am trying so hard to stay on track, but being in this house is killing me.

XOXO Anna

Intense Urges

Having extremely strong urges to cut for a variety of reasons with one just making the other worse and so on. I’m stuck in a car right now and I have nothing to cut with even if I were home… Trying to just ride out these irrational emotions and stay relatively calm… I’m really hoping this mood passes soon because this is just painful.

XOXO Anna

Three Words, Eight Letters

The title refers to Gossip Girl’s Blair and Chuck. I love you. Three words, eight letters.

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Last night, Cody came over and hung out after we went to the beach with his friends, and while watching Short Term 12 (amazing movie by the way, check it out) we talked feelings. I showed him my posts from yesterday, he actually found my blog. He found my blog. I told him now that he does have full access and not the restricted access I did give him, that if he reads any of my posts, like older ones, that he tells me so we can discuss it. This blog is the equivalent to a closet, and the posts are the skeletons. That’s why this is an anonymous blog.

As we talked feelings, over the past couple days he had been hinting. He had said phrases like, “I think I can fall for you” and stuff. Well, last night he said those three words, eight letters to me. “I love you. I’m in love with you Anna.”

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My reaction was disbelief, since I am the queen of denial and not letting myself be happy. I was also shocked but under the surface of a possibly faceless expression I was happy. He also said that he had felt that way for a couple days, but didn’t want to say it too soon. I honestly can’t believe it. Again, feels too good to be true. He said it again today when I dropped off his phone at work when I was leaving.

I understand how big a step it is for someone to say those three words, eight letters. I told him, and took a huge fucking leap of faith here, that “I’m definitely falling for you.” I also explained all the reasons I knew I was falling. So here it goes, I admit I’m falling. Ain’t that just fucking great? haha yeah… I guess it might be time for me to break that vow I made to myself.

I, Anna, will allow myself to fall in love again. I allow myself to tell someone I love them when I feel it.

There, a new vow’s been made. I can’t wait for the day when I can actually say it.

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Today was also my first day back at treatment. It’s strange. Things have changed. There’s a new nutritionist, who I really like because of how accommodating she is. My favorite therapist is gone and that makes me sad. She did this group on body image one day about Barbie. I honestly loved that group. The girls this time are really nice. I really like them all. I even talked today in group. In Body Image we talked self esteem and positive self esteem and relationships. I admitted what Cody had said to me, I admitted other things that I was feeling and going through with my self esteem. They related. I felt like I wasn’t alone. It was nice.

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By the way, I apologize if this post seems very emotionally detached. This morning when writing down emotions before breakfast, I wrote, “Detached-Numb-Anxious”. I also am having issues with eating and pain. I think its gas or abdominal pain but it’s bad. I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow about it. Anyways, I did eat all my breakfast, and couldn’t get through lunch because of the pain.

As I stated earlier, I then dropped Cody’s phone off at work for him and he said those three words, eight letters. It was nice to hear. In treatment, I explained my feelings on it. I talked about how I don’t trust it. Notice my language there, it not him. I don’t trust the feeling not the person. I trust the person. I just…I’ve never been (romantically) loved. It’s hard for me to believe after all the fucked up crap I’ve gone through. But this summer, with therapy, and meeting Cody I’ve made a lot of progress. More than I ever thought I could.

One thing Cody said that meant the world to me was that he saw how strong I was. He thinks I’m strong. I like that. I don’t want to disappoint him. I told him I have my weak moments though. I warned him about my hypomanic-depressive shit. And I’ve been neutral to hypomanic since I met Cody. I was wondering when it would all come crashing down. Well, it did today. I was supposed to have my friends over tonight but they all cancelled, which triggered my depression. I’m definitely in a sad/depressed mood, but also numb and half detached at the same time. I hate this state, it’s uncomfortable. It makes me feel like a completely different person. I don’t feel like Anna. I feel like someone else. I am a person who feels things strongly so when I become this sad numb person it is so out of character.

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I also really want to cry. I also want to smash my baseball bat against the mattress in the attic but I don’t have the energy for that. I also can’t cry. I hate when I get this way. It’s like I’m sad, and I want to feel but I can’t. Like I am listening to my Sad/Suicial/Mad playlist and I am still not crying or feeling what I know I am feeling deep down, I just won’t let myself. I hate that.

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I’m supposed to hang with Cody later and go to his best friends girlfriends house for a bonfire or something. I said I would go, but my mood is taking it’s toll on me. Plus I haven’t eaten dinner…I have to fucking stupidly eat dinner. I can’t skip. I need the nutritionist to see I am trying. I need to be on her good side so when tough meals come along she will be more lenient. I feel fucked.

Looking at Body

First day always was the hardest for me. Plus my stomach pains are still half way there and I don’t want to eat if it means I’m going to be in pain again. I am so angry at the situation. I feel like I have no control, which in turn, makes me restrict so I have a sense of control. Trust me I psychoanalyze myself all the fucking time. I know what to do, I know what I am doing, and I know to kick my ass when I have the energy and confidence to do so.

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But as I said, I’m having a weak day. I am having a low day. I am having a day that I wouldn’t want Cody to know about or to witness. He says those three words, eight letters to me, but he hasn’t seen me in this depressed state. Fear. That emotion has been a constant emotion I’ve been dealing with lately. Rationally I know how fucking irrational it is to think that just because a person has a bad day it means people bail. I know. But emotionally I can’t get over the irrational fear.

Hoping that my mood switches before Cody gets here…

XOXO Anna

Question about Self-Harm

Due to the trauma’s I’ve been through, I have self harmed.

I started out with lighters and burning myself, not bad, but enough to get the high.

After Monster, I started cutting the “XO”.

Then now, I’ve kinda gone back to burning in those intense moments of being overwhelmed with emotions.

What is the difference between burning and cutting? Why does one to one over the other? I am just curious. Trust me, I am not proud of the self-harm, and I do have positive coping skills. There are just some moments where I forget about them. I was just wondering if there was a reason I switched back to burning instead of cutting.

Self-harm is a taboo topic, I know. Most don’t understand why people self harm. It also is a topic that has a lot of shame surrounding it. I honestly, am ashamed to admit that I’ve done those things to myself in those dark times. I really don’t need to be judged. I logically know that it doesn’t make sense to those on the outside looking in. Be gentle if you comment.

XOXO Anna