Breakup Drama and Finals


Last week I didn’t end up posting because of lack of time and having to deal with Cody’s friends who broke up over cheating, which I mentioned in an earlier post. She started texting me on thursday morning and throughout my first class. She mentioned suicide and self harm a lot. I got her to meet me at Grand Central and we talked and she ended up running when I tried to help her. I told her ex-boyfriend, and he contacted her family so hopefully she is getting help. I know I am being short about it in this post, but it’s just too long to write about if I went into detail.


Finals are coming up. I still am working on my Sociology paper and I have yet to begin my police paper. Then I actually have final tests in those classes and my psych class. I am super stressing because I feel like I won’t do as well as I did on earlier exams. So that’s a bit nerve wracking. Then Cody and I are moving out next monday. Next monday! It’s going to be even more stressful. I can’t wait until May is over.




Food, Family, and Luvas

I called Renfrew today to let them know I’m not coming back. I left a voicemail so I’ll get a call later today from them asking for an explanation probably.


Also last night sucked. I asked my mom to make me pasta, and well she made dinner for everyone else but me. Cody had to make me pasta after he found me crying. I also called my sister last night, and that was bad. See when growing up my mom would often forget to feed me, especially the carb part of the dinner. And once I knew I had anorexia my sister really stood up to my mom and told her that I needed carbs as much as any other food.


So I called her and asked how she was doing but she could tell I was crying and I told her mom was being mom. I proceeded to ask again what was going on with her. She then said the only reason she answered my call was to make sure no one died in my family and hung up on me.

That’s when I really cried and Cody came over and he made me food after I told him what happened.


Today has been better. I went to therapy and talked about it. When I got home I found out that Luvas got outside and I almost had a panic attack. He has gotten outside before and will often just hide in the bushes near the door and cry until I pick him up by the scruff and put him back in, but he had gotten out while I was out. My mom and I went outside and searched around the house. He was in the backyard hiding in the bushes near the bird feeder. When he heard me calling his name he started crying and that’s how I found him.


I was so scared. I noticed when he was inside that his eye was irritated because he kept it more shut than the other. Now I am hoping that he doesn’t have an infection or something. Luvas is supposed to be an indoor cat because I know I’m not going to be living in my parents house forever with a nice yard. When Cody and I move out to an apartment Luvas won’t be able to go outside because we won’t have a yard, not until Cody and I move into a house or something which would be years down the line, so I don’t want Luvas getting used to going outside when I know he won’t be able to when Cody and I eventually move out.


I am hoping that the rest of the week isn’t too hectic. We ended up having brunch yesterday with Cody’s dad, sister, and brother. That was really nice and tomorrow Cody and me are meeting his mom for happy hour. I’m really excited about that because I really like Cody’s mom!

Hope everyone has a good week! 🙂





Family conflict

My mother told me my sister is having real issues with me and Cody. I want to doc things with my sister but my mom told me to take my time in making it up to her. My sister is the world to me. I am extremely upset that we are at odds right now but my mother said siblings fight, it’s part of life. I guess I just have to wait it out. Hope things settle themselves soon.




So I didn’t post yesterday and I am just getting online late tonight. Things have been hectic. Me and my sister totally freaked out on my parents the other night. Things that we had been holding in for a while. My mom also went to the doctor so she was already stressed. Today we apologized and bought her flowers, cleaned the kitchen and bought my dad chocolate. My mom was supposed to go back to the doctors so they could take another look and they were so backed up she didn’t get to get in so she’s going in on saturday.

It makes me nervous that my mom has to go back in. They have to look at her liver again. I can’t imagine why there would be a problem with her liver, but the idea that there is a potential problem makes me nervous. I just want everyone in my family to be healthy.

I am debating on whether I need to go back to treatment for my eating disorder so that’s making me very on edge. My parents are on edge for either work or health reasons. I don’t know things have just been strained around the house since my sister’s gotten home.


Our family is good in sets of three’s (mom, dad, one of us) but when we are all in the house we tend to fight a lot and the house gets a bit claustrophobic at times. But then again, I guess all families have their issues…


Quick Silver, Andy, Self-Defense and an Insecure Girlfriend….

Well I also got Quick Silver hooked up with my journalist friend to see if Quick Silver wants to apply for the film crew.

So when Quick Silver, Andy and I were all at Andy’s we immediately started training. Andy pulled an unloaded gun out and taught me how to disarm someone with a gun. He taught me what to do if pinned against the wall. He taught me what to do when I was pinned on the floor. He taught me how to deflect a punch. I feel more empowered for sure. I also told Andy what happened with Owen and I.

I eventually practiced against Quick Silver and that was fun. It was nice to have two people to be able to try out what I learned on that way it isn’t the same every time. It was intense. But once Andy’s girlfriend got home things got tense. She had like 2 fits. One where after about ten minutes of getting home and such she started leaving and Andy had to talk her down. Quick Silver said he would explain more later. Then things got settled and we continued training. Sonic was mentioned at one point and like we were all chilling in Andy’s bedroom and like I don’t know what happened but I wasn’t in the room and suddenly she stormed out.

I was very confused because I was talking to Quick Silver when that happened. Like jeez! I don’t know if it was jealousy of me or just him hanging out with other people than her, but it was not fun for me. There’s a reason I hate girls. One reason is they get between me and my guy friends. It sucks to be one of the bro’s yet still suffer the side effects of actually being a girl.

Quick Silver tried to get me to open up while Andy tried to calm his girlfriend down because Quick Silver noticed I was distressed. I told him I was scared that I would be kicked out of the friend group and Quick Silver said I was blowing it way out of proportion, but I explained that it was all I knew. In my past if one person in the friend group didn’t like someone, then they were essentially ditched or kicked out. Quick Silver assured me that’s not what was going to happen.

Then we started talking about Owen and the rape and my emotions. I didn’t write about this the other day because I was too embarrassed or ashamed. But I wrote a suicide letter- not a serious one, just one to vent in. I would never commit suicide just saying that now to be clear. But with my parents not supporting me it really got me severely down and I wrote a letter out of anger and pain trying to explain to them what it would be like if I weren’t here and such. It was a letter to vent in. I frequently write letters when I’m angry and then rip them up or burn them. It’s really just a way to vent my feelings when I don’t know how to actually talk to the person.

Quick Silver I think got worried. I assured him I am not suicidal I just was down and needed to vent. I told him not to tell Andy about the cutting or suicide letter. I don’t know how Andy would react to that. But Andy and Quick Silver assured me that if I ever felt unsafe I could always go to one of their places to chill. That was nice to know, but that was before the girlfriend got home, so I am just taking a wild guess that I am probably not going to be allowed back into Andy’s house…

I am stating this now. I have NO interest in Andy what so fucking ever. And in all honesty Andy’s girlfriend isn’t like the most attractive, I mean, she is pretty but I can see how she could be threatened by me, but there is no threat. Though now I know why Andy never told her about that one night Andy and I had. She probably would have lost her shit on him. I still feel guilty about that night sometimes.

But anyways, I am just happy that Quick Silver and Andy won’t be like leaving me. I mean, I totally wasn’t invited to Sonic because of the girlfriend, so I am a bit hurt, but at the same time I want to keep the peace. I told Quick Silver I would never want to do something to hurt Andy, his, and my friendship. Quick Silver was really nice and gave me some hugs since I opened up  again and was obviously emotional when talking about the suicide because hell, that ain’t easy to admit that you were in that dark a place that you wrote a goodbye letter essentially. Quick Silver walked me to my car which was really nice. It made me feel safe.

One thing I love about Quick Silver is that even though he reminds me sometimes of Ethan- the good things- the one thing I am happy about is Quick Silver knows when to give a hug. With Ethan I would be crying and Ethan would be on the opposite side of the room. So it’s refreshing to have a friend be able to read emotions and react accordingly.


I am just not happy that Andy’s girlfriend and me are already having issues. That isn’t promising. I just hope that she eventually knows that I am not a threat. Because hell if I were to ever choose a guy to be with it sure as shit wouldn’t be Andy.


Didn’t expect this!

So after my fiction class yesterday, this guy who I would say I’m becoming friends with asks me out to dinner.

Since this is like the third or fourth time a guy I’ve tried to be just friends with has either asked me out or pulled a move on me I was sick of it.

I replied, “what do you mean? Like what are your expectations?”

“Not what you’re dating experience has been like. I just want to take you out to dinner and get to know you.”

“So like why are you asking me out? Like are there feelings or something?”

“No, I just fancy you. I want to get to know more about you. If you don’t want to that’s okay.”

And in the end I agreed. I mean, why not be open and give him the chance? Of course half this conversation took place in front of a classmate I think is cute, but again not looking for anything.

The date went nicely. We went to my favorite hibachi place. We had nice conversation, and it honestly felt more like two friends hanging out than a date. So I liked that, but when we asked if we could do it again, I told him I rather be friends.

Was not expecting to be asked out by him at all…but I got a free dinner and got to know him a bit better and he is a cool friend.