Hot and Cold?

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Cody mentions marriage, right? Those of you who’ve read my posts, you know Cody is the one who mentioned marriage and a future with me first. I would have never done that. Today after I was getting our finances figured out, I told him that when we got married I didn’t want an expensive wedding. He was like we don’t have to talk about this now.

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I said I know but I didn’t want to get to the point where he proposes and we had different expectations. I just felt shot down. Like Cody was about to walk out of the kitchen to go back to work and it took every inch of courage to say that to him. I honestly have never been okay with thinking about marriage and a future with a guy…like ever!

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The fact that I, for the past week, have felt like it’s okay to talk about and its normal is huge. I was getting comfortable with the idea. Now I feel like I shouldn’t really mention it…and that’s probably stupid, but I just feel I don’t know. It’s just part of me is excited to talk about it because I never thought I would get to have that. Then part of me feels like it’s too good to be true and that I should keep my mouth shut and pretend that isn’t even an option.

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I grew up learning that you were not supposed to talk about marriage to a guy if you wanted them to stay with you. I know that sounds warped, but it’s what my friends and society has taught me. So the fact that Cody was the one to mention it and will talk about it completely confused me at first. But he does talk about it, so I thought it was okay to talk about. When I tell him how it made me feel later he will say I am being ridiculous and that of course we can talk about it. At least I hope that’s what he would say.

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I guess my worst fear would be him having doubts about wanting to marry me, and I guess him saying that comment made me feel like it was that, which I know it isn’t, but yeah. I know my feelings can be irrational or stupid, but I can’t help it. I mean, honestly just writing this post has made me feel better. But also! Talking expectations…Cody expects that our parents will pay for the wedding. Now I know nothing about weddings, but is that true? Most times do parents pay for their children’s weddings? Or do the people getting married pay for it?

XOXO Anna

Love Hate Relationship

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I want to first state that I love my mom. But there are times when she drives me crazy! The other night my mom came into my bedroom and asked to talk to Cody and I. I was sitting on the bed while Cody was about to start gaming. My mom starts talking to us about my eating (or lack there of) and I’m already annoyed.

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Then she goes on to say to Cody, “Come on Cody, isn’t she too much to handle? I know you must feel that way.” My mom is staring at him with that face that says “agree with me.” Cody looks back to her and says, “Not at all. She isn’t too much.”

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Then my mom pulls the whole, “You two are 21, of course she is too much to handle.” That’s a hot button issue with Cody, when people tell him that because of his age he can’t understand or do something.

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When my mom left Cody and I talked and he tried to make me feel better. He really was annoyed at my mom because she thinks we are young 21 year olds in love and that it isn’t a serious relationship. It couldn’t be more opposite than that.

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Cody and I love each other. Not the whole bullshit in love thing, but actually love each other for who we are, flaws and all. We live together, we are able to compromise very well, and we get through disagreements/fights in a healthy and quick way. We also talk about the future, our career goals and family goals. Cody isn’t just one of my boyfriends. He is a partner, someone I can see in my future by my side being my team mate in life. I’ve never felt that way about anyone of my other boyfriends. Those relationships were the young and in love bullshit relationships that I knew would never work. Cody is different.

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I just wish my mom could see that we are serious about each other. I wish she could accept that not everyone in life will bail because I’m “too much.” Why would she even tell me that? I even told her the other week to stop telling me that I’m “too much” for Cody to handle. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve someone as good as Cody. Why would she ask Cody if I’m too much to handle for him in front of me? My therapist and I came to the conclusion that she is projecting. Maybe she feels like I’m too much for her to handle. But what parent feels that way about their child?

XOXO Anna

 

Not Ready

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After I posted Cody and I ended up having sex. I told him to go slowly in the beginning because I was nervous, because I didn’t want it to hurt because of yesterday. Maybe that was my first clue I wasn’t ready to have sex with him. The fact that I was nervous. It didn’t hurt, which was great, and it started out nicely. Something felt off though, and I ended up having to stop. I got triggered.

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I feel like a fucking failure and I know how stupid that sounds. But PTSD is a fucking bitch. Yesterday so much happened. There were tests done that were triggering to me for my rape yesterday and with that already being an issue, plus Cody coming home drunk from guys night, driving intoxicated, that was all just too much a reminder of the past I guess. I mean, Cody and I talked before we had sex. But maybe I am just not over last night. Hopefully I feel better later today.

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Cody also said to me once again, “Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship.” I guess it’s true, but then again, how would I know that with my past being my past. I am used to being sex or money. So when I told Cody that I couldn’t continue with sex he said okay, got off, put boxers on, and just wanted to make me feel better.

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I felt bad though because I had gotten off and I had to stop before I got him there. He told me I didn’t have to feel bad and that this was his fault. I just guess I am annoyed at myself. I am annoyed because when I had sex with Cody this morning it didn’t feel right. It’s never felt like that with him, and that’s what made me so upset. In the past, there were times when I’d sleep with my boyfriend of the time and it didn’t feel as good or right and I’d just do it. But with Cody I couldn’t just do that. It didn’t feel right, and it felt like I would be doing something wrong to him if I’d let it continue. It’s not fair to him either. I mean, when we have sex it’s good, it’s making love, it’s positive, respectful, exciting, fun, playful, etc. But this time didn’t feel right and I don’t know what to think of that.

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I knew I was nervous to have sex because of the burst cyst and I wasn’t sure if there was going to be pain, but I was also nervous because I don’t know. It just… grr. I told Cody I might not be able to have sex later today, or tomorrow, or even the next day. It’s a possibility, but knowing me, I figure I’ll be fine to go again tomorrow. But I honestly don’t know. With the emotional whiplash of yesterday in the ER and the boys night fall out I just don’t know.

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Damn emotions.

XOXO Anna

Fun Brunch and More Family Stuff

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Cody and I went out to brunch. After I posted earlier today I took a shower, and I got a safety pin. I kinda started to cry, and I went over where I usually would cut, lightly once. That is usually enough to remind me to not cut. I did that and I didn’t cut. Thinking about Cody and his reaction was enough to keep me from doing it even though it’s what I wanted to do more than anything in those moments. No one’s ever been stronger than my addiction. I am hoping it stays like this, that if I ever do get that close, the thought of Cody and his reaction will keep me from doing it when I can’t convince myself. I told Cody and gave him the safety pin.

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We went to the bar and he got a beer and food and I had some coffee and food. One of his friends was there, like always, and it was nice to see and talk to him. Brunch was really fun and got my mood back up.

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I got home and explained why I wanted my food to be mine. My mom didn’t get it, and I told her I almost cut and she said I was overreacting, and I said that if Cody wasn’t in my life that it wouldn’t be a safety pin she needed to worry about, but a kitchen knife. She didn’t take me seriously and I just got annoyed and walked out to talk to my dad and explain. I apologized, my dad apologized. Things were good. My sister walked in the kitchen and I asked her if she got what I bought. She proceeded with opening the trash and showing me she threw it away.

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I’m now in my room, door locked, sad music playing, trying not to cry. I mean, I knew it was a possibility that she would throw it away, but I knew how much she loved the things I got, so I thought her love of those things would outweigh her hatred of me… I’ll be fine, but it hurt to have her tell me she threw it away and then open the trash, and rub it in my face.

Just another hour before Cody gets out of work and I get out of this house…

XOXO Anna

Past Demons

Yesterday was a very rough day. Lots of things were still coming up from the previous night with Cody. At treatment I had to Ensure it. I felt like a failure or disappointment. I did hang out with some of the girls after treatment though, and that was really fun.

I went to dinner with Cody and two of his friends at this place called Mecha Noodle bar. I was not a fan. I figured I wasn’t going to be eating too much if we went, but I got a Proseco which made me happy.  Then Cody had to go to Target, so me and his friends went to a bar. Once Cody got back we went back to his place so he could get things ready for LARPing. I was wearing a really hot outfit. I haven’t worn something that hot since I was back at my old school.

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Yesterday was really rough because in treatment we talked about shopping and other things and the whole day all I felt like was a sex object. That’s part of the reason I wore the outfit I did for Cody, but the other half was that I wanted him to have a good last impression of me before he went away this weekend.

Cody and I had amazing sex again last night. I got emotional…again. *sigh* I was not happy at all. It really did remind me of Deb and Rudy, though. That’s not comforting if you think about who Rudy really is. But, I think I’m getting used to whatever emotions I am feeling.

I also figured out where my anxiety was coming from this past week! See, in my past relationships, whenever one of us would go away for a weekend, or part for the summer, things either got bad between us or we ended the relationship.  That’s part of where my separation anxiety comes from. I know, Cody is not any of those guys, but because every time I’ve parted with a partner for a weekend or summer things went wrong or ended, I’ve been conditioned, in a way, to expect bad things when one partner leaves for a trip.

I do realize the irrationality of this, and that’s why I feel better right now. Plus I also told Cody to just check in with me, like a text or something. See, for me, radio silence is one of my biggest triggers, whether it triggers my restriction or self-harm.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know of all my shitty past relationships. I don’t know if I’ve written about this yet, but why not.

Radio silence sucks. It scares the hell out of me. What’s worse, is when you reach out, and you’re further ignored. Ethan and I never really had a radio silence problem, but Monster and I did.

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When I went home for winter break my sophomore year of college, Monster practically fell off the face of the earth. There I was, trying to figure out if I was going to be going to treatment the first time, and he was gone. Monster said he was going on some trip with no service. Checked Facebook, and he had service. My messages were ignored, and he never sent a message to initiate conversation. That was probably when I was my worst in my anorexia, because that silent treatment killed me. I didn’t know if he was okay or not and I knew I wasn’t okay.  I think that’s when I was eating only a snack in a day. If even that. I was at my lowest weight then, I believe. I starved myself for the two or three weeks where Monster was ignoring me.

With Captain America, who I’ve mentioned on here minimally, also gave me the silent treatment. Captain America was the guy who I used as training wheels after Monster. I knew Captain America was safe because he was Christian and a virgin. Captain America was great at spoiling me with gifts, but terrible at being there emotionally. Once summer came, it was as if I didn’t exist. He was always terrible at responding to texts, but over that summer, I swear as if I was dead to him. I would send a message and maybe get a response two days to a week later. We skyped a couple times, but only because I begged. It sucked. I felt meaningless. Captain America was triggering all those feelings that came up with Monster. Captain America and I broke up and I went back to treatment for the second time.

Right now, my sister is not exactly giving me the silent treatment, but if you’ve read some of my posts for the past month, you’ll know that we aren’t on good terms…at all. She practically pretends I’m not in the room when I’m there or ignores me when I speak, as if I don’t exist. This behavior is a more extreme version of what Monster and Captain America did, because it is triggering to me. There are times when I just want to restrict or cut or burn because it’s so overwhelmingly painful.

Today we made progress though! She acknowledged my existence again but still in a rude way. I asked her to go to the diner with me and she said, “No, fuck you.” It’s better than silence. Anything is better than silence.

Silence is deadly in relationships. I’ve stated a thousand times that communication is key and it is! The fact that my sister and I are at least having some type of dialogue is good, even if it’s rude. Ignoring someone, or just not talking never solves anything. It makes things worse.

So that’s why I told Cody to just check in with me. I know it’s just the weekend, but because I know how badly I can get triggered, I just let him know that radio silence was something that was triggering for me.

I do have a couple of things I might do this weekend though! Serena can’t hang, so I can’t hang with Brian. Or, I can, but because I know Cody is uncomfortable with it, I’m not going to hang out with Brian alone. I can see Brian on wednesday for Karaoke night at the bar with Serena and her bf. I might hang with some of Cody’s friends though! And I might go to NYC tomorrow to see a friend from my old school. I also might hang with some of the girls from treatment. Again, these are all options, and none set in stone. I also would be happy with just a weekend to myself. Me, my writing, my TV shows, and a nice long relaxing bath and a book to read.

I am an ENFJ, or and INFJ. Those are personality types. I am in the middle of introversion and extraversion. For me, I love to stay busy all the time and have plans with people. It’s just what I’m used to since college. I hate when I isolate or have no one to hang with. Of course, in college, I had a pattern of hanging out with people everyday and I was burned out by the weekend but I still went out clubbing. I did, however, take two days to myself to recharge, and that was satisfactory and could let me hang out with people nonstop for another week.

Since I’ve met Cody, it’s been go, go, go. Which I love! But, it’s nice to know that I can just choose to relax a bit if I want. I still am not sure if I am in the go, go, go mood or the “I just need to stay home” mood. Because if I’m not with Cody, I’m with Serena or some of her friends. Sometimes I just want to stay at home and watch some Grey’s and live vicariously through those characters! I know, maybe it’s lame, but it makes me happy sometimes.

This is a long post…again, I know. It’s just I’ve had so much on my mind and this past week was stressful and I barely had time to sit down to blog. I’m at the diner right now, and I’ve finished breakfast. I just got inspired to write some of my stories. I seem to always get inspired if I’m sitting in a room of crowded people. I think that’s why I like the Coffee Fox back at my old school. I would get inspired to write when I had writers block. I’ve had writers block since  a little bit before I met Cody, and for some reason I just have that urge to write something. Maybe this weekend I’ll pump out twenty new pages to one of my stories! That would be awesome.

XOXO Anna

Never Thought I’d Feel This Again…

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I don’t even know how to start this post. There’s so many emotions going on right now. Cody and I just had sex. Like really amazing sex, not that it isn’t always that good, but there was just something about tonight. I’m scared. Like totally freaked out.

I’ve only felt this once before. It was with Monster when I lost my virginity. I’m not going to talk about that but yeah.

Cody is right next to me right now, falling asleep. I am freaking out. I want to cry, but not because I’m sad. I mean, I’ve cried after, before, during sex because of my PTSD stuff. I’ve only ever cried once after sex because of the emotions I felt. That was Monster.

I feel something so very similar to that night it scares me. Even while Cody and I were having sex I could feel the emotions, I was half way scared I was going to start crying during sex. Again, not because of anything bad.

I want to just hold Cody right now, tightly, and never let go.

Maybe I am feeling this way because I did in fact go and re-read some of my journals.

But I am overwhelmed with emotion right now. Of course, if someone looked at me they would think I am in a calm and emotionless state. I am anything but.

It scares me how good it was tonight. I am scared out of my fucking mind. I am not sure how to deal with these emotions.

I remember losing my virginity and crying after and all that Monster did to assure/comfort me.

I haven’t felt this since Monster and that is what is scaring the living daylights out of me. Feelings are scary as fuck and I am scared. I know I’ve probably written the word scared at least twenty times in this post but I am. I don’t know what to do with these emotions or how to sit with them. I am at a loss right now.

I feel so much that I am kind of numbing myself. That’s how I know it’s like really real. I am trying really hard not to cry. I am trying hard not to show emotion and feel right now. It’s very difficult. I don’t know what to do. I don’t… I just… I am at a loss for words right now.

Right now, love is scary. Love is wonderful and amazing as I’ve stated in other posts. At this moment though, love is scary. It’s scary for obvious reasons.

Kind of in a very strange state right now and am just trying to figure out how to just sit with all these overwhelming and scary emotions.

XOXO Anna

Fucking Accomplished!

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Last night I made so much progress both physically and emotionally!! I finally went down on Cody, and well let’s just say I’m good at it. I mean I knew that I was good at that but after Eric forced me to go down on him I just wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do it well again. But I rocked it! And as proud as I am for that, I am more proud of the fact that I stood up for myself.

That girl that I mentioned I was jealous of a bit… Well I never told you guys Cody was planning on moving in with her and another guy friend of theirs.

That brought up a lot of uncomfortable emotions when I first found out that was potentially happening. Last night I told Cody that I was kinda uncomfortable with it but I’d been trying to deal on my own with it.

That’s when he said that it was now only going to be him and her moving in together. I was like okay that crosses a line for me I draw the line there I am not okay with that. Cody respected that.

I actually for once in my life stood up for what I wanted, didn’t want, was okay with, and not okay with. It took all I had to stand up for what I was and wasn’t okay with.

It’s just that this brought up a lot of Owen things because he had a girl roommate which made me uncomfortable. Difference in these situations is that Owen was living with her before I knew him and we weren’t serious. So it wasn’t as bad.

But yeah anyways just super proud of myself. Never did I think I was going to be able to do both those things in one night!

XOXO Anna

Liquid Courage, Pinned Against A Wall, and Intense Emotions

Last night after Cody helped me make dinner we went to one of his friends houses. We drank and hung out. One of Cody’s friends got a little too drunk I guess because after he and Cody were play wrestling, I somehow ended up pinned against a wall. Plus when I came in the room before all that happened he was kinda being flirty with me, which made me uncomfortable, and he had his arm around me at one point. But anyways, yeah he pinned me against a wall.

It wasn’t bad, like when Peter pinned me against a wall, he had me up against the wall so hard I couldn’t move. Cody’s friend had me against the wall, but I could kinda move, but at the same time I felt trapped. Like, I totally love the whole being pinned against a wall because it’s hot, like if Cody were pinning me against the wall I wouldn’t have been uncomfortable, I’d be turned on.

But given the fact that I didn’t really know Cody’s friend well it definitely was kinda not cool. Cody later when we got back to my house told me he pulled a knife on his friend, not like putting it to his neck but keeping it three finger lengths away but still making it clear that he needed to let me go.

Cody’s other friend told Cody that if the other guy ever did anything like that again that Cody should beat his ass. I honestly was shocked when Cody said he pulled his knife out to get his friend to let me go. I mean, honestly that’s kinda hot and a turn on and makes me feel safe and protected.

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Later when we got home I was still drunk, but we did these questions that I found a while ago that supposedly makes someone fall in love or makes the person more prone to falling in love.

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Number 9, Cody said he felt most grateful for me in his life at the moment. That was super sweet! Number 13, “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?” Cody answered that he would want to know what he could do to make sure I’m still around, and make sure he doesn’t do anything to lose me. That was part of his answer and it was really sweet.

Number 19, “If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?” Cody answered that if he knew he was going to die in a year he would want to ask me to marry him before he dies and also give me a kid that way when he was gone I’d still have a part of him in a way. Jesus Fucking Hell. That was the most holy hell answer. Like holy hell, I am still in shock just thinking about that answer.

I feel so…cared about. So loved. It’s strange. A good strange. We both had the same answer for number 26, “Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “ We both said everything with.

Number 33 was challenging for me. “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?”

I answered that  part of me wants to make amends with those who I haven’t had the best interactions with over the past couple months. I’d want to tell my family how much I love and care about them. Also, I would want to tell Cody everything. Everything about how I feel, about my fears, and just everything. As to why I haven’t told Cody all of my insecurities or fears? Well, fear of rejection. Fear of letting him down, etc.

I have to say that though Cody already loves me, and I am falling, this questionnaire definitely made me open up more, it made me feel more strongly towards Cody. I really did open up to Cody last night. I told him how he has given me hope for a normal future again. I told him that he inspires me to be more open. He makes me feel again. Though I do feel, I do get detached, but the important part is that I am feeling. I also told him I’m starting to actually believe he loves me.

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I wanted to say those three words, eight letters to him, but I wasn’t ready. When I say it I want to make sure I really mean it. I also want to say it in a nice setting or something. I mean, in all honesty I almost have told him twice now because I am so used to when people say goodbye, when they say “I love you” I am used to saying it back. But last night I tried whispering those words a loud to see what it felt like, once Cody was asleep. It was scary to even whisper them. I am not used to saying “I love you” unless it’s to a family member. Even this morning when Cody left and he said I love you, I really wished I could say it back. I wanted to say it back, but again, I want to make sure I mean it and I want it to be special when I am ready to say it.

I think my worst fear is that I am too damaged to love. I know how crazy that might sound, but I am scared that I am too broken to let myself be that vulnerable. I really want to though. I want to be able to get over my mental blocks and be able to give myself fully to Cody. I honestly think it’s all mental at this point. I am trying my best to not hold back, and I am doing much better at not holding back, especially these past couple days. But, I think what happens is that every time I feel more, I start to hold back  again until I am used to that level of feeling, in which I let myself go, until I start to have stronger feelings and then the cycle repeats itself.

I know this is a long post, but I process things through writing and talking. I haven’t told anyone that Cody has said those three words, eight letters to me. I’m scared that if I tell someone that it will go away or something. I know how irrational that might seem, but I just have those stupid fears. Trust me I want to tell someone, like a friend, but I don’t want them to burst my happy bubble and say ” how can he love you? You’ve known him for three weeks!” or something along those lines. I really do want to talk to someone about this though because I need to process this with someone. I need to talk with one of my girl friends and see their thoughts and have their advice on how to get over my mental blocks.

I long for the day when I feel secure enough to let myself fully go and be able to feel what I know is possible. Those questions definitely leveled up my feelings, for sure. I know that much. That’s why I think I’m starting to put my mental block back on, because to me I’m feeling too much and that scares me.

I just hope I can get over that mental block soon…

XOXO Anna

Love and Nightmares

Last night Cody stayed over and I have been sending him some of my blog posts through fb message so he still gets to read the content without knowing my blog. I know, for me to share my posts on here with someone is a big step. It means I’m letting them into my deepest and darkest places. Scary.

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Anyways, so Cody read yesterday’s post, Lunch, Hindsight, and Love. We talked about it. He was glad to know my views on love. He said he learned a lot himself about love and that he now has more information as to whether to know if he is ever in love. We continued talking once we went to my bed and we had sex after. It was triggering. I cried. He wiped away my tears. I told him that I didn’t understand why he was so nice to me. He said because I deserve it. He also said other stuff that night like…well honestly I am just going to assume I heard this wrong, but I think he said, “It’s like you wrote on your blog. You can’t control when you’re falling.” I am going to assume I heard that wrong. Maybe he was just being general.

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He also said that he had been nice to girls before because that’s who he is, but that he has been so much nicer to me and he still feels like he isn’t giving me enough. He said he wants to give me everything. He also said he wants to do that and doesn’t care what he gets in return. He said that is really caring about a person.

Oh! Also, that post where I said Cody told his friend it was getting serious, Cody was serious about us being serious. Yes I just used the word serious that many times in a sentence!

So yeah. I am very happy that he is open with his emotions because every other guy I’ve been with never expressed their feelings towards me. But yeah, the whole love conversation was terrifying. I am not used to talking about love with guys I’m romantically involved with. It honestly scares the mother fucking shit out of me. Mainly because I have been hurt in the past and to me love is scary and painful.

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Cody mentioned to me that I had written I would never say “I love you” to a guy unless they did it first. He just said, “I guess I won’t know until I say it.” I thought he was going to bring up the fact that I said I was never going to fall in love again. Then Cody found where I said that and he didn’t seem phased by it. If I had ever let any of my ex’s know that they probably would have dumped me or gotten angry at me. Cody however responded with, “I think I can make you- well not make you- but I think I am capable of having you fall for me” or something like that. That was his response. He figures that I can fall in love with him eventually. His attitude is very positive about it. He also doesn’t blame me for not wanting to ever fall in love since my experiences were bad and painful.

Had a nightmare about Cody. Owen was in it too. I don’t want to talk about it, but the nightmare sucked.

Anyways, anyone have any opinions or anything to offer me. I am extremely at a loss right now with all this talk of emotions. Yay that we are serious. Yay he thinks he can fall for me. Yay he isn’t mad at me for my cynical views on love. But can anyone offer advice or opinions on this? What do you guys think Cody is feeling or thinking? I mean, yeah he is pretty upfront about it all, which is a god send, but I feel like I can’t trust this, or I’m not ready to trust this with all the trauma I’ve gone through. Any comments are appreciated! Thanks!

XOXO Anna

I Want To Scream and Cry

Watching Grey’s Anatomy seems to have triggered me to feel. I stayed unemotional for most of today but now for some reason I want to just scream and cry and breakdown. I want to not feel the way I’m feeling right now…which is scared and sad and angry. This Owen stuff is triggering and seeing Cody, or being with Cody is nice but scary. I am so scared of getting hurt. I can’t help it. I have so much fear when it comes to actually feeling anything for anyone anymore. I have fear with getting close to someone. I have fear of actually letting someone help me. I have fear that they will one day just walk away because they can’t handle my strong emotional swings that come with the territory of PTSD.

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I have no idea how to handle the overwhelming emotions I’m feeling right now that I’m trying to suppress…

XOXO Anna

Therapy

I’m going back to the therapist who got me through Peter and started working on Monster with me. I’ve got an appointment in an hour and I’m really nervous. I really like my therapist, I do, but part of me feels embarrassed or like a disappointment because I got raped again. I just wish I didn’t have to go back and say, “Hey, so Eric and I broke up. He ended up being a huge douche! Ethan and I almost lost our friendship, and I got raped again.” Like that just sucks.

But I can’t move forward if I don’t talk about it. I can’t move forward if I avoid it. Every time I see a Subaru I get really angry. Owen has two Subaru sports cars. One blue, which was the one he drove me around in a lot. He then was working on his silver one when things went bad between us.

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I guess just take one day at a time.

XOXO Anna

It’s my last day…

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Today is my last day at my school. That is crazy to think about. I still have my detective presentation later today, which I still need to prepare for… 😛 But I’m not sure how I feel about leaving. I mean, positive, obviously, but also a bit sad. The most prominent feeling, is freedom. I feel like I have a future. That’s the best feeling.

XOXO Anna

Can’t believe I’m leaving…

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These past couple weeks I’ve been trying to grasp the fact that I truly am leaving. It’s honestly super bittersweet. I was talking to my councilor at the rape crisis center and it was just sad. I am leaving something behind. I am leaving some friends, and a beautiful town.

But I am also leaving those who betrayed me, those who hurt me, and those who abused me.

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It’s just scary to start over. Exciting yes! Very much so. Honestly I can’t wait. I really just want to be in the town I’ll be going to school, and I want to explore. But it saddens me to leave some of my friends. To leave to good memories.

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Why is change and leaving so hard? Why so painful yet so wonderful?

XOXO Anna

Andy and Quick Silver being amazing friends

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I told them yesterday that I was leaving, but each of them knew before I told them. I told them separately. I originally went over to Andy’s and told him, and he knew and I got mad because he had already processed it before I got there. But then Andy helped me with processing Owen and getting into Owen’s head as to why he did what he did, his thought process and such. It gave me some closure for sure. I still am struggling like hell from PTSD and stuff, but Andy really helped me.

Then we picked up Quick Silver from a set and we headed back to Andy’s. Andy’s girlfriend got home and she stormed out soon after. So I think they are having problems again. Oh, Andy got a dog! Soooo cute! His name is Zeke. But anyways, I told Quick Silver, who also guessed I was leaving too. I was so angry that he knew before I told him. Quick Silver told me that he was happy for me because he thought that it would really help me. I asked if he was going to be sad, and he said yes. I asked if we all could still keep in touch and have phone calls or Skype sessions to which they both agreed to.

Then Quick Silver got me talking about the stuff I’ve really been struggling with lately and he got me to be honest with myself and with another person. Quick Silver, yet again knew right when to grab me and pull me into a hug and let me cry on his shoulder and such. Last night, Quick Silver gave me something I desperately needed, which was the feeling of support, the feeling that someone actually was listening and caring, and someone who is a friend.

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I am honestly going to miss the fuck out of Andy and Quick Silver when I leave. I can honestly say I love their company so much. They are great friends and I will truly miss hanging out with them. I love them so much.

XOXO Anna

The First Step

Last night I was contacted by Andy’s old roommate at 11:30 PM who I knew through the parties they had at their place. Andy moved out and is at a new place now. But this guy who we’ll call, Adam, invited me over to watch movies. Now, this guy is open emotionally. It’s very different than what I’m used to. So in the car, he just started asking questions right off the bat, of course I dodged some of them.

When we got back to his place we watched the movie and talked. He kept asking me if I were comfortable and making sure I was okay. I guess he knew I was a bit nervous or tense. We cuddled and watched the movie and talked. He wants to pursue being a professional masseur after he graduates here. He gave me a massage, and he is pretty good. We continued talking and watching the movie.

I told him he had to open up first and we would go in baby steps. We did. He opened up, I revealed my anorexia. Then he opened up again, I revealed my self harm. He opened up. I revealed other things that I haven’t revealed here, nor wish to. We finally got down to the rape. Turns out he knows someone who was raped and all that.

He was very kind to me even though he called himself a player. He is not the normal player or does he define himself by being a player. He says he is honest about his sexuality, which is him not wanting a relationship but being fine with sleeping with people because he is leaving in a year and doesn’t want to get attached to anyone romantically.

He ended up kissing me, which hell I was scared but excited. I don’t like him, but ever since Owen I have been terrified of that first step back into normalcy with a guy. So last night we made out. He respected my boundaries, and he took me home when I asked. I originally felt really guilty after we made out because everyone kept telling me that if I stayed away from guys then all my problems would be solved. As if, keeping away from guys means I can’t get raped or something.

But this morning I don’t feel guilty. I feel unsure. I wasn’t really turned on at all throughout the making out and stuff, and it was because I was constantly on guard, a bit fearful, actually planning out how to defend myself if anything went wrong. I feel stupid, because Adam is pretty nice and did respect every time I said no. I am cynical, jaded, and cautious. I don’t trust Adam. I don’t expect anything from Adam.

I am glad, however, that I got that first step out of the way. Just kissing/making out with a guy. Figure out what it feels like now, and if anything about what I like and don’t like has changed. Because after the sexual assault, things I liked/disliked changed. Same after Monster. Now, I can’t really tell because of how hesitant I was and how I drew the line at making out. But I know that I am more hesitant. I know that I am not ready for any intimacy romantically. But I know that it is possible for a guy to think I’m attractive even though they know I’ve been raped. I know it’s possible for a guy to be respectful of my wishes.

Since Adam is the type to just be casual about his sexuality I think what turned me off most about last night was knowing it meant nothing, it was meaningless, and supposed to just be fun. To me, it wasn’t meaningless in the way that it was the first step. That’s what it meant, the first step to regaining any sexual confidence. So for that I am thankful I got that “first” experience out of the way now so I wouldn’t build it up in my head any more than I did- hence me being so scared and not being able to enjoy anything last night.

XOXO Anna

Question about Self-Harm

Due to the trauma’s I’ve been through, I have self harmed.

I started out with lighters and burning myself, not bad, but enough to get the high.

After Monster, I started cutting the “XO”.

Then now, I’ve kinda gone back to burning in those intense moments of being overwhelmed with emotions.

What is the difference between burning and cutting? Why does one to one over the other? I am just curious. Trust me, I am not proud of the self-harm, and I do have positive coping skills. There are just some moments where I forget about them. I was just wondering if there was a reason I switched back to burning instead of cutting.

Self-harm is a taboo topic, I know. Most don’t understand why people self harm. It also is a topic that has a lot of shame surrounding it. I honestly, am ashamed to admit that I’ve done those things to myself in those dark times. I really don’t need to be judged. I logically know that it doesn’t make sense to those on the outside looking in. Be gentle if you comment.

XOXO Anna

My Date with Ramone…

Well can I say fuck me royally?

He ended up getting a flat on the way and was late, but then we grabbed coffee and tea, and walked around for a bit and then we went back to my place. We started watching Dexter but soon were making out, and then one thing led to another…and now I’ve had sex with him.

Fuck. I so didn’t mean for that one to happen. I really honestly thought all I would do is make out with him at most.

I can’t tell if I feel guilty or bad or just plain like trash. I know that those aren’t supposed to be the feelings you feel with sex, so that makes me annoyed. It was a one night stand. something I really tend not to do. I think I just feel bad because I had sex with someone who doesn’t want more? Or at least I feel like he doesn’t.

All I know is I feel like I stupidly had expectations. Is it wrong for me to think a guy might want more than one date? Or actually like me as a person? I guess I feel like shit because lately all I feel like I am to a guy is “a piece of ass.” I guess my mistake was sleeping with him. My mistake was actually being attracted to him. My mistake was actually hoping that maybe he wanted more than just a fuck. IDK he said he’d text me or something sometime.

This is why I gave up on guys and romance. Maybe I’m just going low because I was high earlier. Not high as in stoned, high as in mood. I actually was hopeful. The date seemed promising until we jumped into bed. I think my problem is that I think if I don’t give the guy what he wants he will walk away. The real problem is I give the guy what he wants and then he walks away. So it was my mistake, it’s on me for sleeping with someone.

But I will admit this, there were moments where when we had sex, it felt safe, no judgement. It was a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. I think that’s why this one hurts. It hurts because I lost something I used to have. With Andy I didn’t feel what I just felt with Ramone. With Owen I sure as hell didn’t feel what I just felt with Ramone. I guess I just got a taste of what I’ve been looking for, and now I am sure after today it’s gone.

XOXO Anna

Building a defense…

So I remember posting about Ethan and our argument about Monster.

I know Ethan apologized that day, but it honestly hurt me very deeply that he said that. It hurt me that Dean told me I should have kept my mouth shut about it, and that it was extreme for me to report Monster. Ethan and Dean have made me feel like shit about doing the right thing.

I really need to talk to both of them, individually, about how their comments hurt me, and re-traumatized me by making me feel alone and as if they were on Monster’s side.

So the past couple days I’ve been building my defense against them. I know, its sad and sick that I would have to do this, but I just don’t know how else to do this. I don’t want to talk to each of them, and then them making it worse by saying that I was wrong all over again.

My sister made me text Ethan saying that I had to talk to him face to face when I got back to school. So Ethan knows I have to talk to him about something. I am honestly nervous to talk to him, because I don’t know what I would do if Ethan still took Monster’s side after the defense file I’ve put together for myself.

The problem is that most people aren’t educated when it comes to sexual assault and rape. Their are a lot of myths and misconceptions, and no one wants to think that their friend, family member, partner, class mate, etc. could be capable of something like that. Reading this article really spoke to me, and I think it will help when I let Ethan and Dean read it.

Yes, Your Friend May Be a Rapist

I hope that all goes well when I talk to them…and if they can’t see past their own ignorance, than I guess I’m better off without them…

XOXO Anna

A not so Merry Christmas after all…

So later today we found out that our family friend who is sick might not make it through the day. This is the family friend who has cancer.

I cried, my mom cried. My dad was asked to write a eulogy. I didn’t see my sister cry, but she was visibly upset. How does one deal with death? My only experience with death was when I graduated eighth grade and during that summer my grandma and my uncle died within a month of each other. I went to my grandma’s funeral, but my mother wouldn’t let me and my sister go to our uncle’s because of how close the deaths were.

I haven’t experienced a close death since I was fourteen. I am now almost twenty-one. Even writing this brings up a lot of emotions. I know there are the five stages of grief.

  1. Denial/Isolation
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

Those are what have been told to me. I can understand the denial and isolation. I for one, though I knew he had cancer, was in complete denial that he was going to die. I also went through some isolation during that. Hearing that he might not make it through today made me incredibly sad. I still am very sad. I feel as though I will be sad about this for a long time. I also feel like this isn’t real. This person was someone who seemed to be able to do anything. Like he could conquer the world. He was so full of life…it’s just incomprehensible to think that he is or will be gone.

I just don’t understand I guess. I don’t know how to deal with loss. All I know is I hate loss whether it’s a death or just losing someone in my life due to other reasons.

I don’t even know what to say to his family when I see them at the service, which is supposed to be in a couple days. I just feel like I don’t know how to act. I feel as though I’m supposed to be strong and not show too much emotion. But in reality I feel a lot of emotion.

I know death is natural and all apart of the circle of life, but how does one deal with it? Is there a right way? I’m at a loss as to what to do, say, and feel…

XOXO Anna

Triggers and Urges

So two nights ago I was watching a movie, and went on Facebook to see that the Vitoria’s Secret show had  been on. That was hugely triggering for me. I had literally just talked myself into eating a late night snack, which was Smartfood. I instantly started bashing myself and telling myself that I was terrible for eating a snack. I had the urge to drink copious amounts of coffee and go running on the treadmill upstairs, in the room next to my parents. Of course I did neither of those, since it was late at night.

I ended up continuing to watch the movie, but the movie had an abusive relationship in it, and it ended up triggering Monster issues. So I ended up still in a panicked state. I went to bed half crying. I ended up having a dream with Monster in it. It wasn’t bad, but whenever Monster enters my dreams I never feel good the next morning.

So for the past couple days I’ve had the urge to weigh myself, of course I haven’t caved. I have stayed strong, and am eating and not going near the scale. And I had the urge to drink when I was watching the movie the other night, but didn’t. Then today I also had the urge, and I found where my dad hid the Vodka, but I was too lazy to get it since it was high up, plus I didn’t really want it. But I tried to figure out what has made me have urges lately.

I think I figured it out. I mean, I completely broke down when I finished watching “How I Met Your Mother.” I think having Ethan, Eric, and I fall apart this last quarter really affected me. I mean, Ethan and I are still good, and I think we will be good for a long time. But Eric, Ethan and I were like a family. It’s been hard or me to accept that our family has fallen apart.

XOXO Anna