Hot and Cold?

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Cody mentions marriage, right? Those of you who’ve read my posts, you know Cody is the one who mentioned marriage and a future with me first. I would have never done that. Today after I was getting our finances figured out, I told him that when we got married I didn’t want an expensive wedding. He was like we don’t have to talk about this now.

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I said I know but I didn’t want to get to the point where he proposes and we had different expectations. I just felt shot down. Like Cody was about to walk out of the kitchen to go back to work and it took every inch of courage to say that to him. I honestly have never been okay with thinking about marriage and a future with a guy…like ever!

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The fact that I, for the past week, have felt like it’s okay to talk about and its normal is huge. I was getting comfortable with the idea. Now I feel like I shouldn’t really mention it…and that’s probably stupid, but I just feel I don’t know. It’s just part of me is excited to talk about it because I never thought I would get to have that. Then part of me feels like it’s too good to be true and that I should keep my mouth shut and pretend that isn’t even an option.

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I grew up learning that you were not supposed to talk about marriage to a guy if you wanted them to stay with you. I know that sounds warped, but it’s what my friends and society has taught me. So the fact that Cody was the one to mention it and will talk about it completely confused me at first. But he does talk about it, so I thought it was okay to talk about. When I tell him how it made me feel later he will say I am being ridiculous and that of course we can talk about it. At least I hope that’s what he would say.

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I guess my worst fear would be him having doubts about wanting to marry me, and I guess him saying that comment made me feel like it was that, which I know it isn’t, but yeah. I know my feelings can be irrational or stupid, but I can’t help it. I mean, honestly just writing this post has made me feel better. But also! Talking expectations…Cody expects that our parents will pay for the wedding. Now I know nothing about weddings, but is that true? Most times do parents pay for their children’s weddings? Or do the people getting married pay for it?

XOXO Anna

Love Hate Relationship

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I want to first state that I love my mom. But there are times when she drives me crazy! The other night my mom came into my bedroom and asked to talk to Cody and I. I was sitting on the bed while Cody was about to start gaming. My mom starts talking to us about my eating (or lack there of) and I’m already annoyed.

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Then she goes on to say to Cody, “Come on Cody, isn’t she too much to handle? I know you must feel that way.” My mom is staring at him with that face that says “agree with me.” Cody looks back to her and says, “Not at all. She isn’t too much.”

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Then my mom pulls the whole, “You two are 21, of course she is too much to handle.” That’s a hot button issue with Cody, when people tell him that because of his age he can’t understand or do something.

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When my mom left Cody and I talked and he tried to make me feel better. He really was annoyed at my mom because she thinks we are young 21 year olds in love and that it isn’t a serious relationship. It couldn’t be more opposite than that.

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Cody and I love each other. Not the whole bullshit in love thing, but actually love each other for who we are, flaws and all. We live together, we are able to compromise very well, and we get through disagreements/fights in a healthy and quick way. We also talk about the future, our career goals and family goals. Cody isn’t just one of my boyfriends. He is a partner, someone I can see in my future by my side being my team mate in life. I’ve never felt that way about anyone of my other boyfriends. Those relationships were the young and in love bullshit relationships that I knew would never work. Cody is different.

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I just wish my mom could see that we are serious about each other. I wish she could accept that not everyone in life will bail because I’m “too much.” Why would she even tell me that? I even told her the other week to stop telling me that I’m “too much” for Cody to handle. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve someone as good as Cody. Why would she ask Cody if I’m too much to handle for him in front of me? My therapist and I came to the conclusion that she is projecting. Maybe she feels like I’m too much for her to handle. But what parent feels that way about their child?

XOXO Anna

 

Not Ready

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After I posted Cody and I ended up having sex. I told him to go slowly in the beginning because I was nervous, because I didn’t want it to hurt because of yesterday. Maybe that was my first clue I wasn’t ready to have sex with him. The fact that I was nervous. It didn’t hurt, which was great, and it started out nicely. Something felt off though, and I ended up having to stop. I got triggered.

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I feel like a fucking failure and I know how stupid that sounds. But PTSD is a fucking bitch. Yesterday so much happened. There were tests done that were triggering to me for my rape yesterday and with that already being an issue, plus Cody coming home drunk from guys night, driving intoxicated, that was all just too much a reminder of the past I guess. I mean, Cody and I talked before we had sex. But maybe I am just not over last night. Hopefully I feel better later today.

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Cody also said to me once again, “Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship.” I guess it’s true, but then again, how would I know that with my past being my past. I am used to being sex or money. So when I told Cody that I couldn’t continue with sex he said okay, got off, put boxers on, and just wanted to make me feel better.

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I felt bad though because I had gotten off and I had to stop before I got him there. He told me I didn’t have to feel bad and that this was his fault. I just guess I am annoyed at myself. I am annoyed because when I had sex with Cody this morning it didn’t feel right. It’s never felt like that with him, and that’s what made me so upset. In the past, there were times when I’d sleep with my boyfriend of the time and it didn’t feel as good or right and I’d just do it. But with Cody I couldn’t just do that. It didn’t feel right, and it felt like I would be doing something wrong to him if I’d let it continue. It’s not fair to him either. I mean, when we have sex it’s good, it’s making love, it’s positive, respectful, exciting, fun, playful, etc. But this time didn’t feel right and I don’t know what to think of that.

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I knew I was nervous to have sex because of the burst cyst and I wasn’t sure if there was going to be pain, but I was also nervous because I don’t know. It just… grr. I told Cody I might not be able to have sex later today, or tomorrow, or even the next day. It’s a possibility, but knowing me, I figure I’ll be fine to go again tomorrow. But I honestly don’t know. With the emotional whiplash of yesterday in the ER and the boys night fall out I just don’t know.

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Damn emotions.

XOXO Anna

Fun Brunch and More Family Stuff

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Cody and I went out to brunch. After I posted earlier today I took a shower, and I got a safety pin. I kinda started to cry, and I went over where I usually would cut, lightly once. That is usually enough to remind me to not cut. I did that and I didn’t cut. Thinking about Cody and his reaction was enough to keep me from doing it even though it’s what I wanted to do more than anything in those moments. No one’s ever been stronger than my addiction. I am hoping it stays like this, that if I ever do get that close, the thought of Cody and his reaction will keep me from doing it when I can’t convince myself. I told Cody and gave him the safety pin.

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We went to the bar and he got a beer and food and I had some coffee and food. One of his friends was there, like always, and it was nice to see and talk to him. Brunch was really fun and got my mood back up.

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I got home and explained why I wanted my food to be mine. My mom didn’t get it, and I told her I almost cut and she said I was overreacting, and I said that if Cody wasn’t in my life that it wouldn’t be a safety pin she needed to worry about, but a kitchen knife. She didn’t take me seriously and I just got annoyed and walked out to talk to my dad and explain. I apologized, my dad apologized. Things were good. My sister walked in the kitchen and I asked her if she got what I bought. She proceeded with opening the trash and showing me she threw it away.

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I’m now in my room, door locked, sad music playing, trying not to cry. I mean, I knew it was a possibility that she would throw it away, but I knew how much she loved the things I got, so I thought her love of those things would outweigh her hatred of me… I’ll be fine, but it hurt to have her tell me she threw it away and then open the trash, and rub it in my face.

Just another hour before Cody gets out of work and I get out of this house…

XOXO Anna

Past Demons

Yesterday was a very rough day. Lots of things were still coming up from the previous night with Cody. At treatment I had to Ensure it. I felt like a failure or disappointment. I did hang out with some of the girls after treatment though, and that was really fun.

I went to dinner with Cody and two of his friends at this place called Mecha Noodle bar. I was not a fan. I figured I wasn’t going to be eating too much if we went, but I got a Proseco which made me happy.  Then Cody had to go to Target, so me and his friends went to a bar. Once Cody got back we went back to his place so he could get things ready for LARPing. I was wearing a really hot outfit. I haven’t worn something that hot since I was back at my old school.

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Yesterday was really rough because in treatment we talked about shopping and other things and the whole day all I felt like was a sex object. That’s part of the reason I wore the outfit I did for Cody, but the other half was that I wanted him to have a good last impression of me before he went away this weekend.

Cody and I had amazing sex again last night. I got emotional…again. *sigh* I was not happy at all. It really did remind me of Deb and Rudy, though. That’s not comforting if you think about who Rudy really is. But, I think I’m getting used to whatever emotions I am feeling.

I also figured out where my anxiety was coming from this past week! See, in my past relationships, whenever one of us would go away for a weekend, or part for the summer, things either got bad between us or we ended the relationship.  That’s part of where my separation anxiety comes from. I know, Cody is not any of those guys, but because every time I’ve parted with a partner for a weekend or summer things went wrong or ended, I’ve been conditioned, in a way, to expect bad things when one partner leaves for a trip.

I do realize the irrationality of this, and that’s why I feel better right now. Plus I also told Cody to just check in with me, like a text or something. See, for me, radio silence is one of my biggest triggers, whether it triggers my restriction or self-harm.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know of all my shitty past relationships. I don’t know if I’ve written about this yet, but why not.

Radio silence sucks. It scares the hell out of me. What’s worse, is when you reach out, and you’re further ignored. Ethan and I never really had a radio silence problem, but Monster and I did.

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When I went home for winter break my sophomore year of college, Monster practically fell off the face of the earth. There I was, trying to figure out if I was going to be going to treatment the first time, and he was gone. Monster said he was going on some trip with no service. Checked Facebook, and he had service. My messages were ignored, and he never sent a message to initiate conversation. That was probably when I was my worst in my anorexia, because that silent treatment killed me. I didn’t know if he was okay or not and I knew I wasn’t okay.  I think that’s when I was eating only a snack in a day. If even that. I was at my lowest weight then, I believe. I starved myself for the two or three weeks where Monster was ignoring me.

With Captain America, who I’ve mentioned on here minimally, also gave me the silent treatment. Captain America was the guy who I used as training wheels after Monster. I knew Captain America was safe because he was Christian and a virgin. Captain America was great at spoiling me with gifts, but terrible at being there emotionally. Once summer came, it was as if I didn’t exist. He was always terrible at responding to texts, but over that summer, I swear as if I was dead to him. I would send a message and maybe get a response two days to a week later. We skyped a couple times, but only because I begged. It sucked. I felt meaningless. Captain America was triggering all those feelings that came up with Monster. Captain America and I broke up and I went back to treatment for the second time.

Right now, my sister is not exactly giving me the silent treatment, but if you’ve read some of my posts for the past month, you’ll know that we aren’t on good terms…at all. She practically pretends I’m not in the room when I’m there or ignores me when I speak, as if I don’t exist. This behavior is a more extreme version of what Monster and Captain America did, because it is triggering to me. There are times when I just want to restrict or cut or burn because it’s so overwhelmingly painful.

Today we made progress though! She acknowledged my existence again but still in a rude way. I asked her to go to the diner with me and she said, “No, fuck you.” It’s better than silence. Anything is better than silence.

Silence is deadly in relationships. I’ve stated a thousand times that communication is key and it is! The fact that my sister and I are at least having some type of dialogue is good, even if it’s rude. Ignoring someone, or just not talking never solves anything. It makes things worse.

So that’s why I told Cody to just check in with me. I know it’s just the weekend, but because I know how badly I can get triggered, I just let him know that radio silence was something that was triggering for me.

I do have a couple of things I might do this weekend though! Serena can’t hang, so I can’t hang with Brian. Or, I can, but because I know Cody is uncomfortable with it, I’m not going to hang out with Brian alone. I can see Brian on wednesday for Karaoke night at the bar with Serena and her bf. I might hang with some of Cody’s friends though! And I might go to NYC tomorrow to see a friend from my old school. I also might hang with some of the girls from treatment. Again, these are all options, and none set in stone. I also would be happy with just a weekend to myself. Me, my writing, my TV shows, and a nice long relaxing bath and a book to read.

I am an ENFJ, or and INFJ. Those are personality types. I am in the middle of introversion and extraversion. For me, I love to stay busy all the time and have plans with people. It’s just what I’m used to since college. I hate when I isolate or have no one to hang with. Of course, in college, I had a pattern of hanging out with people everyday and I was burned out by the weekend but I still went out clubbing. I did, however, take two days to myself to recharge, and that was satisfactory and could let me hang out with people nonstop for another week.

Since I’ve met Cody, it’s been go, go, go. Which I love! But, it’s nice to know that I can just choose to relax a bit if I want. I still am not sure if I am in the go, go, go mood or the “I just need to stay home” mood. Because if I’m not with Cody, I’m with Serena or some of her friends. Sometimes I just want to stay at home and watch some Grey’s and live vicariously through those characters! I know, maybe it’s lame, but it makes me happy sometimes.

This is a long post…again, I know. It’s just I’ve had so much on my mind and this past week was stressful and I barely had time to sit down to blog. I’m at the diner right now, and I’ve finished breakfast. I just got inspired to write some of my stories. I seem to always get inspired if I’m sitting in a room of crowded people. I think that’s why I like the Coffee Fox back at my old school. I would get inspired to write when I had writers block. I’ve had writers block since  a little bit before I met Cody, and for some reason I just have that urge to write something. Maybe this weekend I’ll pump out twenty new pages to one of my stories! That would be awesome.

XOXO Anna

Never Thought I’d Feel This Again…

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I don’t even know how to start this post. There’s so many emotions going on right now. Cody and I just had sex. Like really amazing sex, not that it isn’t always that good, but there was just something about tonight. I’m scared. Like totally freaked out.

I’ve only felt this once before. It was with Monster when I lost my virginity. I’m not going to talk about that but yeah.

Cody is right next to me right now, falling asleep. I am freaking out. I want to cry, but not because I’m sad. I mean, I’ve cried after, before, during sex because of my PTSD stuff. I’ve only ever cried once after sex because of the emotions I felt. That was Monster.

I feel something so very similar to that night it scares me. Even while Cody and I were having sex I could feel the emotions, I was half way scared I was going to start crying during sex. Again, not because of anything bad.

I want to just hold Cody right now, tightly, and never let go.

Maybe I am feeling this way because I did in fact go and re-read some of my journals.

But I am overwhelmed with emotion right now. Of course, if someone looked at me they would think I am in a calm and emotionless state. I am anything but.

It scares me how good it was tonight. I am scared out of my fucking mind. I am not sure how to deal with these emotions.

I remember losing my virginity and crying after and all that Monster did to assure/comfort me.

I haven’t felt this since Monster and that is what is scaring the living daylights out of me. Feelings are scary as fuck and I am scared. I know I’ve probably written the word scared at least twenty times in this post but I am. I don’t know what to do with these emotions or how to sit with them. I am at a loss right now.

I feel so much that I am kind of numbing myself. That’s how I know it’s like really real. I am trying really hard not to cry. I am trying hard not to show emotion and feel right now. It’s very difficult. I don’t know what to do. I don’t… I just… I am at a loss for words right now.

Right now, love is scary. Love is wonderful and amazing as I’ve stated in other posts. At this moment though, love is scary. It’s scary for obvious reasons.

Kind of in a very strange state right now and am just trying to figure out how to just sit with all these overwhelming and scary emotions.

XOXO Anna

Fucking Accomplished!

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Last night I made so much progress both physically and emotionally!! I finally went down on Cody, and well let’s just say I’m good at it. I mean I knew that I was good at that but after Eric forced me to go down on him I just wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do it well again. But I rocked it! And as proud as I am for that, I am more proud of the fact that I stood up for myself.

That girl that I mentioned I was jealous of a bit… Well I never told you guys Cody was planning on moving in with her and another guy friend of theirs.

That brought up a lot of uncomfortable emotions when I first found out that was potentially happening. Last night I told Cody that I was kinda uncomfortable with it but I’d been trying to deal on my own with it.

That’s when he said that it was now only going to be him and her moving in together. I was like okay that crosses a line for me I draw the line there I am not okay with that. Cody respected that.

I actually for once in my life stood up for what I wanted, didn’t want, was okay with, and not okay with. It took all I had to stand up for what I was and wasn’t okay with.

It’s just that this brought up a lot of Owen things because he had a girl roommate which made me uncomfortable. Difference in these situations is that Owen was living with her before I knew him and we weren’t serious. So it wasn’t as bad.

But yeah anyways just super proud of myself. Never did I think I was going to be able to do both those things in one night!

XOXO Anna