I don’t even know how to begin this post. Let’s start with last wednesday. I posted about Cody’s struggle to breathe. It started on wednesday and was nonstop all weekend, and today he still is struggling to breathe normally. We took him to an urgent care place on friday. He refused to go to the ER, and on saturday we wanted to, but his dad didn’t want him to go because he figured there wouldn’t really be specialty doctors to treat him if needed. On sunday I finally got Cody to the ER because his eyes were yellowish. I can’t go into detail about all this because it’s all a blur.
The emotional and mental stress was and is huge. Worrying non stop about your partner’s struggle to breathe, and when you’re partner says they can’t breathe and you have to calm them down, all while keeping it together and doing anything they need. I’ve definitely been restricting. Cody’s lost weight rapidly because he’s been too nervous to eat. I’ve done everything for him. Everything. Held his hand, stayed by his side, held him when he cried, reassured him when he was scared, raced in a car to get him to his dads, an urgent care facility, and the ER, help him with the inhaler they gave him, and much more. I am exhausted. Cody has felt slightly better today.
All Cody did was talk about cars while he was scared because it made him feel better and that’s fine, even when I tried talking about something else, and he cut me off and changed the topic. Today we were going to try and relax and have a good day until his doctors appointment tomorrow morning.
While at the ER, I was offended he didn’t put me down as an emergency contact because I’ve put him down as one of mine. I wrote a note in my phone about it and showed Cody because he asked and I told him to write a response back, and he didn’t. His dad was sitting next to us, and he was like, “Dad she is upset because I didn’t put her down as an emergency contact. Anna that’s stupid. Why are you upset over that? Because it means you’re less of family? Not as important?”
I felt utterly humiliated. I didn’t want his dad to know and that was just terrible. Cody threw me under the bus again later when we were out of the ER and I didn’t want to sleep at Cody’s dads house on a couch again with Cody. Cody told his dad, “Anna doesn’t want to stay here.” I felt humiliated. Of course I was willing to stay if that is what Cody needed, but I was being honest with Cody because he asked, and then told his dad. I feel like I’ve looked so bad to Cody’s dad over this weekend. That sucks because before all this, on friday his dad said that he is glad we are together and sees how good we are for each other and he thanked me for taking such good care of Cody through all this.
I know Cody isn’t feeling well, I get that, but does that mean that he gets to take it out on me? I just…I’ve already tried to heal from his secret porn addiction and help him in recovery, all while dying inside from the pain of betrayal. I’ve tried being as nice and comforting to him through his breathing struggles, dropping everything when he needed me. Maybe I am being selfish or but-hurt, but it sucks when the person you love doesn’t seem to respect you at times. It’s hard being the strong one. The one who takes care of the other person and does everything. Cody does stuff, but I just feel like the progress we had made has been set back because of how much he would snap at me and belittle me. Sorry for the vent.
It’s just in the car ride home today, I finally cracked and told him I was sick of hearing about cars and him changing the topic whenever I talked about anything that was important to me. I made a comment, jokingly, about how his brother was more attractive than he was (which his brother isn’t-totally not my type at all, even though they’re twins) and Cody called me an asshole and put me down again. I told him it was a joke and I was sorry for exploding about him talking about cars and stuff. He eventually said “Leave me, I don’t care.” That hurt. After everything I’ve done for him, he says he doesn’t care if I leave him. I know it was said in the heat of a moment, but my god, way to plunge a knife in my back – or should I say the heart.