“Nice Titties”

I need to blog about this right now if I’m going to make it home on the train ride without crying. 
For those who read my blog, you know I have been sexually assaulted and raped twice. I have PTSD but have been treated for it with EMDR and I have been doing really well. 

After I got out of my Cognitive Psych class, which I got an A on the exam, I was walking down the stairs and when I got to the bottom a guy said “hey” to me, I nodded and kept walking unsure of why he tried talking to me. He said, “stop” so I stopped, and looked at him and then to his friends who had smiles on their face. 

I asked if they were doing a psychology experiment because of the strange behavior they displayed. He said no, and that he stopped me because he thought I was very attractive.  I said thank you and was going to keep walking but he kept talking. He kept saying how attractive I was and if my eyes were real or colored contacts. I said real. He then proceeded with saying, “don’t slap me when I say this.” I said ,”okay” and he said “you’re very attractive, your eyes and hair, and I noticed you because of your blouse and well, you have nice titties.” He also asked for my snapchat and I told him I was in a serious relationship and he gave me his name and said if he saw me again he would stop me and talk to me.

I feel completely objectified and gross after that. I wear the outfit I’m wearing today (jeans, low cut tank top and a jacket) every week. It’s nothing new or flashy, just my every day casual clothes. I am so jumpy and scared and just stupid PTSD reaction… I just want to be home with Cody so he can hug me and I can feel safe. 

I know most girls like getting hit on, but I don’t at least not like that. That was very vulgar and gross. It made me feel so uncomfortable. Especially given my history. 

Is this normal behavior for a guy? I’ve been hit on but never like that…

XOXO Anna 

Hot and Cold?

Cody mentions marriage, right? Those of you who’ve read my posts, you know Cody is the one who mentioned marriage and a future with me first. I would have never done that. Today after I was getting our finances figured out, I told him that when we got married I didn’t want an expensive wedding. He was like we don’t have to talk about this now.

I said I know but I didn’t want to get to the point where he proposes and we had different expectations. I just felt shot down. Like Cody was about to walk out of the kitchen to go back to work and it took every inch of courage to say that to him. I honestly have never been okay with thinking about marriage and a future with a guy…like ever!

The fact that I, for the past week, have felt like it’s okay to talk about and its normal is huge. I was getting comfortable with the idea. Now I feel like I shouldn’t really mention it…and that’s probably stupid, but I just feel I don’t know. It’s just part of me is excited to talk about it because I never thought I would get to have that. Then part of me feels like it’s too good to be true and that I should keep my mouth shut and pretend that isn’t even an option.

I grew up learning that you were not supposed to talk about marriage to a guy if you wanted them to stay with you. I know that sounds warped, but it’s what my friends and society has taught me. So the fact that Cody was the one to mention it and will talk about it completely confused me at first. But he does talk about it, so I thought it was okay to talk about. When I tell him how it made me feel later he will say I am being ridiculous and that of course we can talk about it. At least I hope that’s what he would say.

I guess my worst fear would be him having doubts about wanting to marry me, and I guess him saying that comment made me feel like it was that, which I know it isn’t, but yeah. I know my feelings can be irrational or stupid, but I can’t help it. I mean, honestly just writing this post has made me feel better. But also! Talking expectations…Cody expects that our parents will pay for the wedding. Now I know nothing about weddings, but is that true? Most times do parents pay for their children’s weddings? Or do the people getting married pay for it?

XOXO Anna

Never Thought I’d Feel This Again…

I don’t even know how to start this post. There’s so many emotions going on right now. Cody and I just had sex. Like really amazing sex, not that it isn’t always that good, but there was just something about tonight. I’m scared. Like totally freaked out.

I’ve only felt this once before. It was with Monster when I lost my virginity. I’m not going to talk about that but yeah.

Cody is right next to me right now, falling asleep. I am freaking out. I want to cry, but not because I’m sad. I mean, I’ve cried after, before, during sex because of my PTSD stuff. I’ve only ever cried once after sex because of the emotions I felt. That was Monster.

I feel something so very similar to that night it scares me. Even while Cody and I were having sex I could feel the emotions, I was half way scared I was going to start crying during sex. Again, not because of anything bad.

I want to just hold Cody right now, tightly, and never let go.

Maybe I am feeling this way because I did in fact go and re-read some of my journals.

But I am overwhelmed with emotion right now. Of course, if someone looked at me they would think I am in a calm and emotionless state. I am anything but.

It scares me how good it was tonight. I am scared out of my fucking mind. I am not sure how to deal with these emotions.

I remember losing my virginity and crying after and all that Monster did to assure/comfort me.

I haven’t felt this since Monster and that is what is scaring the living daylights out of me. Feelings are scary as fuck and I am scared. I know I’ve probably written the word scared at least twenty times in this post but I am. I don’t know what to do with these emotions or how to sit with them. I am at a loss right now.

I feel so much that I am kind of numbing myself. That’s how I know it’s like really real. I am trying really hard not to cry. I am trying hard not to show emotion and feel right now. It’s very difficult. I don’t know what to do. I don’t… I just… I am at a loss for words right now.

Right now, love is scary. Love is wonderful and amazing as I’ve stated in other posts. At this moment though, love is scary. It’s scary for obvious reasons.

Kind of in a very strange state right now and am just trying to figure out how to just sit with all these overwhelming and scary emotions.

XOXO Anna

Three Words, Eight Letters

The title refers to Gossip Girl’s Blair and Chuck. I love you. Three words, eight letters.

Last night, Cody came over and hung out after we went to the beach with his friends, and while watching Short Term 12 (amazing movie by the way, check it out) we talked feelings. I showed him my posts from yesterday, he actually found my blog. He found my blog. I told him now that he does have full access and not the restricted access I did give him, that if he reads any of my posts, like older ones, that he tells me so we can discuss it. This blog is the equivalent to a closet, and the posts are the skeletons. That’s why this is an anonymous blog.

As we talked feelings, over the past couple days he had been hinting. He had said phrases like, “I think I can fall for you” and stuff. Well, last night he said those three words, eight letters to me. “I love you. I’m in love with you Anna.”

My reaction was disbelief, since I am the queen of denial and not letting myself be happy. I was also shocked but under the surface of a possibly faceless expression I was happy. He also said that he had felt that way for a couple days, but didn’t want to say it too soon. I honestly can’t believe it. Again, feels too good to be true. He said it again today when I dropped off his phone at work when I was leaving.

I understand how big a step it is for someone to say those three words, eight letters. I told him, and took a huge fucking leap of faith here, that “I’m definitely falling for you.” I also explained all the reasons I knew I was falling. So here it goes, I admit I’m falling. Ain’t that just fucking great? haha yeah… I guess it might be time for me to break that vow I made to myself.

I, Anna, will allow myself to fall in love again. I allow myself to tell someone I love them when I feel it.

There, a new vow’s been made. I can’t wait for the day when I can actually say it.

Today was also my first day back at treatment. It’s strange. Things have changed. There’s a new nutritionist, who I really like because of how accommodating she is. My favorite therapist is gone and that makes me sad. She did this group on body image one day about Barbie. I honestly loved that group. The girls this time are really nice. I really like them all. I even talked today in group. In Body Image we talked self esteem and positive self esteem and relationships. I admitted what Cody had said to me, I admitted other things that I was feeling and going through with my self esteem. They related. I felt like I wasn’t alone. It was nice.

By the way, I apologize if this post seems very emotionally detached. This morning when writing down emotions before breakfast, I wrote, “Detached-Numb-Anxious”. I also am having issues with eating and pain. I think its gas or abdominal pain but it’s bad. I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow about it. Anyways, I did eat all my breakfast, and couldn’t get through lunch because of the pain.

As I stated earlier, I then dropped Cody’s phone off at work for him and he said those three words, eight letters. It was nice to hear. In treatment, I explained my feelings on it. I talked about how I don’t trust it. Notice my language there, it not him. I don’t trust the feeling not the person. I trust the person. I just…I’ve never been (romantically) loved. It’s hard for me to believe after all the fucked up crap I’ve gone through. But this summer, with therapy, and meeting Cody I’ve made a lot of progress. More than I ever thought I could.

One thing Cody said that meant the world to me was that he saw how strong I was. He thinks I’m strong. I like that. I don’t want to disappoint him. I told him I have my weak moments though. I warned him about my hypomanic-depressive shit. And I’ve been neutral to hypomanic since I met Cody. I was wondering when it would all come crashing down. Well, it did today. I was supposed to have my friends over tonight but they all cancelled, which triggered my depression. I’m definitely in a sad/depressed mood, but also numb and half detached at the same time. I hate this state, it’s uncomfortable. It makes me feel like a completely different person. I don’t feel like Anna. I feel like someone else. I am a person who feels things strongly so when I become this sad numb person it is so out of character.

I also really want to cry. I also want to smash my baseball bat against the mattress in the attic but I don’t have the energy for that. I also can’t cry. I hate when I get this way. It’s like I’m sad, and I want to feel but I can’t. Like I am listening to my Sad/Suicial/Mad playlist and I am still not crying or feeling what I know I am feeling deep down, I just won’t let myself. I hate that.

I’m supposed to hang with Cody later and go to his best friends girlfriends house for a bonfire or something. I said I would go, but my mood is taking it’s toll on me. Plus I haven’t eaten dinner…I have to fucking stupidly eat dinner. I can’t skip. I need the nutritionist to see I am trying. I need to be on her good side so when tough meals come along she will be more lenient. I feel fucked.

First day always was the hardest for me. Plus my stomach pains are still half way there and I don’t want to eat if it means I’m going to be in pain again. I am so angry at the situation. I feel like I have no control, which in turn, makes me restrict so I have a sense of control. Trust me I psychoanalyze myself all the fucking time. I know what to do, I know what I am doing, and I know to kick my ass when I have the energy and confidence to do so.

But as I said, I’m having a weak day. I am having a low day. I am having a day that I wouldn’t want Cody to know about or to witness. He says those three words, eight letters to me, but he hasn’t seen me in this depressed state. Fear. That emotion has been a constant emotion I’ve been dealing with lately. Rationally I know how fucking irrational it is to think that just because a person has a bad day it means people bail. I know. But emotionally I can’t get over the irrational fear.

Hoping that my mood switches before Cody gets here…

XOXO Anna

Haunted Asylum

Cody, my sister, and I went to a haunted abandoned asylum this evening and it was fun! Cody totally got scared though, but he says if he were with his usual friends that he does that with then he would have been fine. My sister got scared because Cody got scared, and that made me scared. So I eventually said fuck it and went in again and my sister followed me and we went into the upstairs and the basement a bit but I didn’t like it after a while so we left. But we are all going to go back again when we are more prepared. We didn’t bring flashlights or anything. But it was exciting!

I am the biggest chicken shit ever and I went in first! I led my sister. I took initiative and took the lead. I don’t take lead, like ever. I only step up when no one else will. But I’m very freaking proud of myself.

XOXO Anna

Home Alone

So my parents are about to leave for their show, which means me and my sister will be alone while they’re gone. That means having to take care of our old dog, who we are scared will possibly die while they’re gone, and just making sure the house stays clean.

I hate it when people I love fly. I get scared. I get separation anxiety. It sucks. I always, when I know a loved one is flying, demand to know when they land to make sure they are safe. I hope that my parents show goes well! I really love what my moms designed.

Also while they’re gone I’ll be applying to the school in NYC and I’ll have to decide whether I want to do full time or part time. If I do part time then I get to work for my parents and learn the family business which I do want to know. I just have a hard time figuring out which passions I should follow. I also should be hearing back from Renfrew to know when I start. I am not used to things not being planned or set in stone. I am trying to just go with the flow but that’s not always natural for me.

I pray my parents have a safe flight to the show and when they come back!

XOXO Anna

I Want To Scream and Cry

Watching Grey’s Anatomy seems to have triggered me to feel. I stayed unemotional for most of today but now for some reason I want to just scream and cry and breakdown. I want to not feel the way I’m feeling right now…which is scared and sad and angry. This Owen stuff is triggering and seeing Cody, or being with Cody is nice but scary. I am so scared of getting hurt. I can’t help it. I have so much fear when it comes to actually feeling anything for anyone anymore. I have fear with getting close to someone. I have fear of actually letting someone help me. I have fear that they will one day just walk away because they can’t handle my strong emotional swings that come with the territory of PTSD.

I have no idea how to handle the overwhelming emotions I’m feeling right now that I’m trying to suppress…

XOXO Anna

Decided to go to that lunch

So I am putting all fears and bullshit aside and am going to have lunch with this guy. I am literally going to have lunch with someone. That shouldn’t be something to fear. Like, seriously. Yes it’s the first meeting so that’s scary, but overall, it’s a public place. Nothing is going to happen. Just two people sitting and talking. Simple. Well, yeah, I just have to tell that to myself a million times before I believe it. But hopefully it goes well- and by well I just mean a positive experience.

XOXO Anna

Transferring and Telling Friends

I mentioned that I wanted to transfer schools. I really do, and it’s incredibly scary right now. I am looking at schools, trying to figure out where I want to go, and the application process is a royal bitch.

I have told some of my old “friends” and some told me to stay while others told me that I was making the right decision.

Telling Quick Silver and Andy is what is a bit nerve wracking for me. I feel like when I tell them they won’t actually care, which will make me feel like shit. They will have questions for sure. I texted Quick Silver tonight and we hopefully will hang sometime this week.

I want to make my last four weeks here count, friendship wise. I want to reconnect with those who have been busy. I want to talk to everyone who matters to me, even those I haven’t seen since freshman year. I kind of want to throw a going away party, but am scared no one will show up… 😛

This process is terrifying. Plus then there are the questions of if it’s the right thing to do and will I regret this or will it be the best thing for me, etc. Only time will tell…

XOXO Anna

The First Step

Last night I was contacted by Andy’s old roommate at 11:30 PM who I knew through the parties they had at their place. Andy moved out and is at a new place now. But this guy who we’ll call, Adam, invited me over to watch movies. Now, this guy is open emotionally. It’s very different than what I’m used to. So in the car, he just started asking questions right off the bat, of course I dodged some of them.

When we got back to his place we watched the movie and talked. He kept asking me if I were comfortable and making sure I was okay. I guess he knew I was a bit nervous or tense. We cuddled and watched the movie and talked. He wants to pursue being a professional masseur after he graduates here. He gave me a massage, and he is pretty good. We continued talking and watching the movie.

I told him he had to open up first and we would go in baby steps. We did. He opened up, I revealed my anorexia. Then he opened up again, I revealed my self harm. He opened up. I revealed other things that I haven’t revealed here, nor wish to. We finally got down to the rape. Turns out he knows someone who was raped and all that.

He was very kind to me even though he called himself a player. He is not the normal player or does he define himself by being a player. He says he is honest about his sexuality, which is him not wanting a relationship but being fine with sleeping with people because he is leaving in a year and doesn’t want to get attached to anyone romantically.

He ended up kissing me, which hell I was scared but excited. I don’t like him, but ever since Owen I have been terrified of that first step back into normalcy with a guy. So last night we made out. He respected my boundaries, and he took me home when I asked. I originally felt really guilty after we made out because everyone kept telling me that if I stayed away from guys then all my problems would be solved. As if, keeping away from guys means I can’t get raped or something.

But this morning I don’t feel guilty. I feel unsure. I wasn’t really turned on at all throughout the making out and stuff, and it was because I was constantly on guard, a bit fearful, actually planning out how to defend myself if anything went wrong. I feel stupid, because Adam is pretty nice and did respect every time I said no. I am cynical, jaded, and cautious. I don’t trust Adam. I don’t expect anything from Adam.

I am glad, however, that I got that first step out of the way. Just kissing/making out with a guy. Figure out what it feels like now, and if anything about what I like and don’t like has changed. Because after the sexual assault, things I liked/disliked changed. Same after Monster. Now, I can’t really tell because of how hesitant I was and how I drew the line at making out. But I know that I am more hesitant. I know that I am not ready for any intimacy romantically. But I know that it is possible for a guy to think I’m attractive even though they know I’ve been raped. I know it’s possible for a guy to be respectful of my wishes.

Since Adam is the type to just be casual about his sexuality I think what turned me off most about last night was knowing it meant nothing, it was meaningless, and supposed to just be fun. To me, it wasn’t meaningless in the way that it was the first step. That’s what it meant, the first step to regaining any sexual confidence. So for that I am thankful I got that “first” experience out of the way now so I wouldn’t build it up in my head any more than I did- hence me being so scared and not being able to enjoy anything last night.

XOXO Anna

Small Victory

So I got out of class early since I finished the test before class time was over. I decided to go downtown and eat dinner by myself. It was dark by the time I got out of class, and though I was scared, I pushed myself to go out.

XOXO Anna

Trigger first thing in the morning…

I’m writing this from my phone. I was leaving my apartment and walking down the stairs to the parking garage and a guy in military uniform was behind me and I was so god damn terrified. I felt so scared and stupid because I knew it wasn’t Owen. But still every time I see a guy in military uniform I get that fight or flight response. When I made it to the parking garage I sprinted to my car because I was so scared. Even getting to my morning class I was hyper vigilant and heart racing. I called my mom and talking to her got me to calm down. I called my sister too but I think I woke her up so she wasn’t really mentally there. But I’m in class right now just trying to get back to “normal” whatever that is! 😛

XOXO Anna

I reported Owen

I made the choice yesterday, really with a huge push from Ramone. I went to hang out with Ramone and he could tell I was off and eventually he got me to admit what happened between Owen and me.

I told Ramone:

I went over to Owen’s and it seemed like we were making progress, we were actually talking and stuff, and then we started fooling around. I told him that, “I didn’t want to have sex with anyone unless they were my boyfriend. I’m not with casual sex.” Owen said,” I can respect that, but I wish you told me sooner.” I said, “Sorry.” Then we continued fooling around. I thought I was safe. But the next thing I know is we are passionately making out and then Owen is in me. I realize that he is having sex with me when I said I didn’t want to have sex. I told him, “Wait, whoa, what did I just say?” Owen stopped thrusting. Owen stayed still over me, still in me, for at least another 30 seconds to a minute. He finally pulled out. I was terrified, stuck in my head. I got dressed and pulled away from Owen. Owen started apologizing and saying that it wasn’t my fault. “I’m so sorry. It wasn’t your fault. I lost control. I got caught up, and I can’t help that you’re so irresistible. I know I just lost a lot of your trust how can I earn it back?” I just sat there silently trying to figure out if I should leave, if I should go get a medical exam done, if I should report it. “I am so sorry, really. Please, just don’t leave. Okay? I’m sorry,” Owen said as if reading my mind. Once Owen told me not to leave, I knew I couldn’t leave. I was scared to leave. Owen is ex-military with a gun and a very strong man of 30. I am a 21 year old girl who knows practically nothing about self-defense and can easily be overpowered. I weighed my options in my head and I didn’t think I could grab my things and make it to my car without him chasing after me, trying to stop me, so I stayed because I didn’t want anything worse to happen. In the morning he woke up and I woke up too, he kissed me goodbye, and then I fell asleep again. I woke up and I left. I left knowing what happened but not wanting to say it. Not wanting to admit that I’ve now been raped 2 times. This proved me right in waiting to figure out whether I wanted to be with Owen or not. I sure as hell don’t want to be with a guy who can’t respect no.

Ramone told me I had been raped and I needed to report it. I told him I was scared to go to the station on my own and I was scared people would turn on me or leave me or hate me. He asked “why would they?”

I replied “I don’t know.”

He said he would go to the station with me, and barely gave me time to resist, and we were soon out the door heading to the parking lot to get my car. I called my dad on the way there because I am one who seeks approval from their parents. My dad said I should’t report it. I would look bad, it wouldn’t hold up, and he said what was I expecting if I were fooling around? My parents agree that it was rape, no doubt, but they said I had to look at my actions and see why this happened to me again. Made me feel like it was my fault. My sister was on my side, but she also agrees that if it were her she wouldn’t report it. I told her that me confronting the guy who did me wrong didn’t help in the past- it actually made it worse- so that’s another reason I’m just reporting it. I am doing it to stand up for myself, try to not let it happen to someone else, and to not just be a “victim”. I respect any individual victims choice of whether or not to report. I personally believe that it is my duty as a victim to report because when people don’t say anything the problem continues. But if people spoke up, then maybe things could slowly change.

I hung out with Quick Silver after the reporting. I told Quick Silver and he said I made the right decision too, and fully supports me. I also told him that I sometimes cut. He doesn’t like that subject to say the least. I did cut “XO” in my arm with a safety pin the other night, but it was just scratching no bleeding, and I stopped myself before it got worse. I just, after Monster I cut “XO” into my arm because Love and Abuse were mixed up and confused. I am angry about Owen and the only way I could get my emotions out were by scratching “XO” on my arm. But Quick Silver and I got dinner and talked and he was very supportive of me and made me feel like I did the right thing. He told me my parents were stupid.

“If I had a car, I would have made you go to the station too. I just didn’t have one and wasn’t sure…and I just want you to know I would have done that for you too. And if you ever need me to tell your parents to fuck off, I’ll do that. I would have hung up on your parents too if I was in the car listening to them telling you all those things. But seriously, if you ever are with me and you’re on the phone with your parents about this and they give you a hard time, I’ll talk to them,” Quick Silver told me.

That’s why I am glad to have Quick Silver as a friend. This reminds me why I want him as just a friend. Yeah he is cute. So is Andy. So is Ramone. But all of them, I want them as my friends. But seriously, Quick Silver and Ramone gave me something I haven’t had in ages- a friend who is completely on my side supporting me. They have no idea how much last night meant to me.

Anyways, I get the report on monday. Owen is out of town and won’t know I did this until they start investigating. All I can pray for is that he didn’t wash his sheets. But still it’s a he said/she said thing.

But I am very scared. My dad even pointed out to me, “What if Owen gets angry at you for tarnishing his name and goes after you or decides to get revenge?”

I told him that I thought of that already. And I have, hell that’s what I was thinking the night it happened when I was in Owen’s bed trying to figure out what to do. Trust me, I am scared. Owen not respecting my choice to not want to have sex showed something about his character I didn’t know before. Him getting angry at me for ending it and trying to blame it on me shows me something about his character I didn’t know before. It was the right decision to take it slow with labels with Owen, because I am so glad he was never my boyfriend. I don’t even know him if he can do that. And you wanna know the worst part? Before the rape and fooling around happened, I was telling Owen how hard of a week it had been with my PTSD symptoms and telling him I was too scared to leave my apartment at times.

So to those reading this, please, I believe I did the right thing. I don’t need any negatively with me towards this decision. I am already feeling humiliated that this has happened to me again, ashamed, and angry. I understand my parents wanted to protect me, and they thought by me saying nothing I was being protected. But no, that just enables the problem. I already feel like crap. Like with Monster, I had feelings for Owen, and it was a hard decision to make, but when I take emotions out of it, I know what he did was wrong and I can’t let my emotions for someone cloud that. That’s what I did with Monster and look how all that ended up?

Also just saw a snapchat from Owen, he is out of town, it’s confirmed. I feel a little safer- for now.

Thanks for reading.

XOXO Anna

Self – Defense

Andy is finally going to teach me some self-defense tomorrow! My schedule has been so busy that I haven’t had time to ask him to. And after what happened with Owen, I really wanna know how to handle situations better. I remember that after Owen pulled out I was scared and I wanted to leave, but I knew if I tried to leave he could easily run after me and I didn’t want to make a scene or get into a situation I couldn’t handle.

I might also chill with Andy tonight if he can, but I’m still in my Detective class right now on break. He won’t be back to hang until 9 so maybe we’ll hang, but I’m not putting my money on it. Plus, I need to eat dinner anyways. Kinda starving right now. If Andy ends up not being able to hang I have no idea who to chill with. I wouldn’t wanna ask Quick Silver because we’ve already hung out like two times this week.

XOXO Anna

Thrown under the bus…

So Ethan and Eric were hanging out friday night downtown drunk from the bars, and runs into my roommate. They go up to talk to her.

“Who are you?” my roommate says.

“It’s Eric.”

“Who?” my roommate asks again.

“You know, the guys who used to date Anna.”

“Oh, ok.”

“So does Anna rage about Eric all the time?” Ethan asks.

“No, she hasn’t mentioned him at all, she doesn’t have time,” my roommate replies.

They are floored. Eric’s ego went down ten notches.

“Wait what? Really?” Ethan asks.

“Really, she has a life, she doesn’t have time for that.”

That’s what my roommate told me. She said they were stupid to think that she would throw me under the bus. It’s true, I call them dumb-asses for a reason. But knowing Ethan was trying to throw me under the bus hurts. Of course he was drunk, and it was the first time they had hung out with each other since the break up, so I could see Ethan trying that to gain Eric’s trust.

But still hearing that was annoying to say the least. It made me feel like Ethan had chosen to be on Eric’s side. Thought there aren’t any sides, but I am honestly scared that Eric will try to poison Ethan’s head and turn Ethan against me. Irrational fear, but a fear none the less…

XOXO Anna

Coming to terms with loss…

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep at all. Was up until 2 AM and from 1-2 I was on and off crying. So I didn’t go to my morning class…

I was mourning Eric and the loss of him as a friend. I am trying my best to understand what’s going on, and why he is acting the way he is…but I honestly can’t stand the idea of Eric hating me or being upset with me. It hurts me. It hurts because I am doing my best not to be angry or upset at him but in truth I am.

I am upset because I told him that the way the breakup and post breakup is handled will really be telling and will have an impact on whether or not we will remain friends. The fact that he hasn’t contacted me at all is upsetting. Not going to lie. It hurts like a bitch. Just because I have feelings of hurt or anger at Eric doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to talk to him.

I do want to talk to him, it’s just I don’t know when. Or how. I am terrified if I show up on his door step the second he sees me he will slam the door in my face. I also want my stuff back that’s still at his place. I want to talk to him, have a civil conversation. But I am so damn scared of him rejecting me as a human being that I am paralyzed with fear, unable to reach out to him and make that initial contact so we can maybe try to move forward with whatever is left, if there is anything left between us.

XOXO Anna